Archive for TNA Global Championship

TNA iMPACT! 5/13/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2010 by Grappleholic

“Last week on iMPACT!…” video.

“Three Tickets To Sacrifice”

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  David Penzer is the ring announcer.

Eric Bischoff comes out and does his “heel who thinks he’s a babyface” bit.  He introduces the TNA World Heavyweight Champion, Rob Van Dam.  Bischoff talks about the poll.  He says he wanted to book RVD vs. Jeff Hardy, but Hardy isn’t answering his phone, so RVD has the night off.  RVD wants action, though.  AJ Styles comes out.  He bitches at RVD about not being a role model.  Styles challenges him to a match tonight, even though they have a match at the PPV.  Styles wants to break RVD’s legs so he doesn’t have to break a sweat at the PPV.  Jeff Hardy comes out.  He’s confused by the time changes, as he doesn’t have a secretary.  Styles says the match is already set.  Hardy tells RVD to make it a three-way, since RVD is apparently the booker.  He tells Bischoff to make the match.  AJ is pissed.

Jeremy Borash interviews Knockouts Champion and Knockouts Tag Team Champions, The Beautiful People.  Lacey runs away because she has to pee.  Go before your fucking interview, moron.

Taylor Wilde (w/ Sarita) vs. Tara.  Sarita gets sent to the back before the match.  Wilde goes on the attack and beats the hell out of Tara.  Tara begs off, then sends Wilde to the ramp.  Tara throws her back in.  Wilde avoids the hilo leg drop.  Wilde goes for a shitty cross body.  Tara love taps her with a shitty middle kick for the pin in 1:30.  This blew.  Tara beats Wilde with her knee brace after the match.  Sarita makes the save.

Something is going on backstage with Desmond Wolfe and Chelsea.

Chelsea is claiming she was attacked “in an undisclosed location.”  Her vagina?

Brian Kendrick vs. Doug Williams.  Williams still has the X Division belt.  He says Kendrick doesn’t deserve a title shot, so it’s a non-title match.  Kendrick attacks Williams.  Williams attacks him back.  The X Division Champion Kazarian joins the announcers.  Williams works Kendrick’s leg.  He locks Kendrick in a half crab.  Kazarian walks down the ramp with the intent of getting the belt.  Kendrick schoolboys Williams for the pin in 2:13.  Williams manages to hold onto the belt.  Match was pointless.

Christy Hemme asks Pat Kenney what happened, but he won’t say anything.

Christy says she knows the attacker, but can’t tell.  The fuck?

Handicap Match: Generation Me vs. TNA World Tag Team Champions Matt Morgan.  Morgan destroys them both.  He takes the mic and bitches about Hulk Hogan not telling him who his partner is.  Morgan sets up Jeremy Buck on the outside for the Carbon Footprint into the post.  Samoa Joe comes out and brawls with Morgan.  Match is presumably a no-contest in about a minute and a half.  Joe hits the Muscle Buster and leaves.  The Band comes out.  Kevin Nash has that Feast or Fired briefcase that nobody remembered.

Handicap Match for the TNA World Tag Team Championship: Matt Morgan (c) vs. Kevin Nash & Scott Hall (w/ Eric Young).  Earl Hebner rings the bell.  Nash gets the pin at the 12 second mark.  Nash and Hall are World Tag Team Champions.  In 2010.

Ink Inc. talk backstage.  You can hear the intros for the Williams/Kendrick match from earlier.  Ink Inc. are psychic and somehow knew that they’d be facing Hall and Nash at Sacrifice instead of Morgan.

Four-Way Match: Ink Inc. vs. Team 3D vs. Motor City Machine Guns vs. Beer Money.  No entrances except for Ink Inc.  Shelley and Storm start.  Sabin tags in and throws Storm out of the ring.  Sabin hits a dive.  Cover gets 2 back inside.  3D works over Roode.  Moore tags in and hits a diving cross body for Roode for 2.  Beer Money work over Moore.  Neal gets the hog tag and runs wild.  He face plants Roode and covers, but Storm saves.  Brother Ray tags in and knocks down Beer Money.  Neal schoolboys him for 2.  3D and the Guns fight.  Everybody brawls everywhere.  3D hits the Doomsday Device on Neal.  Moore saves and fights 3D.  They go for the 3D, but Neal stops it.  Moore hits the Mooregasm on Ray.  Neal spears Ray for the pin in 7:18.  Best thing on the show up to now and probably period.

Weird Ric Flair taped promo with impossible to read subtitles.

TNA Global Champion Rob Terry is headed our way!  He’ll face Abyss NEXT!

Jeff Hardy and RVD chat in the bathroom.  Who the fucking is taping this?

Rob Terry comes out for his title defense against Abyss.  Abyss doesn’t come out, because he’s getting arrested.  He’s apparently the one being accused of assaulting Chelsea.  Desmond Wolfe jumps him and is held back by the cops.  Hulk Hogan shows up to talk to Abyss, who professes in innocence.  Abyss doesn’t want to take his mask off.  Hogan takes the mask off and puts Abyss’ hood on his head.  The cops take Abyss away.  This is so motherfucking stupid.  Rob Terry is still in the ring.  Orlando Jordan (in pink gear) attacks Terry from behind and gropes his balls.  Jordan hits Terry with a lead pipe, then holds up a card that says, literally, “The Wild Card.”  Why the fuck am I watching this shit?  Didn’t I boycott this show after last week?

Orlando Jordan is still in the fucking ring.  He cuts a promo.  Okay, you’re gay, we get it.  He issues an open challenge.  Tomko (he still works here?) accepts.

Orlando Jordan vs. Tomko.  They do some awkward half assed shit.  Tomko presses Jordan, then hits a fall away slam.  Jordan hits a dropkick.  Jordan does some shit.  Tomko hits a clothesline for 2.  Jordan hits a Backstabber for 2.  Jordan clamps on a guillotine for the win in 3:14.  This blew.

Another weirdly taped thing with Hulk Hogan.  Lacey Von Erich comes in and shows him a cell phone video.

Eric Bischoff tells Tara she’s going to wrestle Sarita tonight.  She’s all bitchy about it.

Sarita vs. Tara.  Sarita attacks Tara on the ramp.  They finally get in the ring to start the match, then brawl outside some more.  Back inside, Sarita misses a dive, then beats up Tara some more.  Tara cries and begs off, then sends Sarita outside.  Sarita hits a slingshot splash, then goes after Tara’s knee brace.  The referee grabs her and gets elbowed in the face.  Tara hits Sarita with the knee brace for the pin in 1:52.  This sucked.  Tara beats her with the knee brace some more.

AJ Styles is backstage in his silly robe.  The main event is next.

Sting/Jeff Jarrett video package.

Non-Title Three-Way Match: Jeff Hardy vs. AJ Styles vs. TNA World Heavyweight Champion Rob Van Dam.  Styles argues with a fan.  The dastardly good guys double team the poor overwhelmed heel.  Hardy and RVD start to fight each other.  Hardy knocks RVD out of the ring.  Hardy fights AJ.  RVD comes in and lands kicks on both of them.  Hardy drops both of them with neckbreaker variations.  He covers RVD, but Styles saves.  Styles beats up both.  Styles attacks RVD’s leg.  He locks in the figure-four leglock.  Hardy leg drops Styles to break it.  Hardy goes up top.  Styles cuts him off and knocks him out of the ring.  RVD monkey flips AJ.  Ken Anderson attacks Hardy at ringside.  RVD hits his diving kick on Styles and the referee, then saves Hardy from Anderson.  Styles hits a dive on everybody.  Styles SPIKES RVD with a DDT on the floor.  Back inside, Styles puts his feet on the ropes and pins RVD in 5:54.  This was a mess.  Hardy calls Anderson to the ring to fight.  Anderson isn’t interested.  Hulk Hogan comes out and blocks his way to the back.  Hogan decks Anderson.  Hardy beats up Anderson.  Commercials.

Hardy and Anderson keep fighting.  Why the fuck isn’t this show over yet?  Hardy puts Anderson on a table and hits a Swanton off the announcers’ table through the table.  Many replays are shown.  Hardy celebrates.

They show Lacey Von Erich’s cell phone video of Desmond Wolfe and Chelsea setting up the whole fucking stupid angle with Abyss.

Sacrifice hype videos.

Fuck this horrible motherfucking show.  Why did I even watch this shit?

TNA iMPACT! 5/3/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2010 by Grappleholic

“Last week on iMPACT!…” video.

“Hogan/Sting – The Summit”

Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff talk while riding in a limo.

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo, Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  I’m sure David Penzer is around somewhere as ring announcer.  Tenay announces that iMPACT! is going back to Thursday.  I guess it took their lowest rating ever to convince them that Monday was a bad idea.

Ric Flair’s music plays.  Jay Lethal comes out in a suit, wearing Flair’s Hall of Fame ring.  Lethal is in full Flair impersonation mode, and it’s GREAT.  He does a better Ric Flair than Richard Fliehr.  The crowd turns it in and chants “WE WANT FLAIR!”  Ric Flair comes out.  Crowd chants “DOUBLE VISION!”  Flair stomps on his own sunglasses, I guess to make a point.  Lethal gives Flair his ring back and tells him he meant no disrespect.  Lethal puts over Flair like crazy.  Flair slaps him a bunch while berating him.  Lethal finally slaps him back and they brawl a little.  Lethal backdrops Flair and puts him in the figure-four leglock.  Beer Money, AJ Styles, and Desmond Wolfe run in to attack Lethal.  Abyss runs out to make the save, but gets beaten down too.  Team 3D runs in with the same effect.  TNA World Champion Rob Van Dam and a steel chair finally make the save.

Hogan and Bischoff are in their limo still.  Hogan gets a text about what just happened and tells the driver to turn around.

Moments ago, that long paragraph above happened.

The babyfaces are still in the ring and the heels are on the ramp.  RVD calls them “the Four Horse’s Asses.”  Flair agrees and everybody brawls some more.  They brawl over the place.  Hulk Hogan comes out, so his limo must not have been far away.  He drops all of the heels with one punch except for the 120 year old Ric Flair.  Commercials.

The brawl is still going on.  Security finally gets off their asses and breaks it up.  Hogan books RVD vs. Wolfe for the title, Abyss vs. Styles, and Beer Money vs. 3D vs. The Motor City Machine Guns for tonight.

Sting is in the rafters.

The Beautiful People bitch about having to defend all the titles.  Lacey is still stupid.

Doug Williams and Brian Kendrick are in the ring.  Williams still has the X Division Championship belt.  He cuts a promo on the shitty way he was stripped of the title due to a volcano.  He also resents having to tag with “this crazed lunatic.”  Williams says he’ll face Kazarian for the title at Sacrifice.

Doug Williams & Brian Kendrick vs. Ink Inc.  Ink Inc. is the new team of Shannon Moore and Jesse Neal.  They have a title shot against TNA World Tag Team Champions Matt Morgan at Sacrifice.  Williams and Neal start.  Morgan joins Tenay and Taz at the table.  Kendrick beats on Neal.  Stuff happens.  The match is completely secondary to Morgan’s bitching.  Moore gets the tag and runs wild on Kendrick.  Morgan leaves.  Kendrick gets a schoolboy for 2.  Moore hits a neckbreaker.  Neal tags in and spears Kendrick for the pin in 3:05.  Williams and Kendrick argue.  Samoa Joe comes out and drops both of them, then gives Kendrick the Muscle Buster.  Joe teases cutting a promo, then just throws the mic down and leaves.  Stupid match, stupid commentary, stupid aftermath, stupid segment.

Jeremy Borash is in Team Flair’s locker room.  Flair throws Borash out, so Borash eavesdrops while Flair bitches at everybody for being failures.

Backstage, Hogan whines about Sting cheating on him, or what the fuck ever it is.

Tenay and Taz hype the Hogan/Sting whatever and other shit.

Backstage, Ken Anderson beats up The Pope while wearing a dress, then rams a trunk into him and steals his sunglasses.

Ken Anderson comes out in his dress and babbles out a pseudo-sermon.  Jeff Hardy comes out and challenges Anderson for Sacrifice.  Anderson says no, then makes it blatantly obvious that he’s going to try to attack Jeff from behind, then gets dropped by the Twist of Fate.  Hardy rips Anderson’s dress off, then works Anderson’s mouth to “accept” the challenge.  Fucking retarded segment.

TNA Knockouts Championship & TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship Match: The Beautiful People (c) vs. Tara, Taylor Wilde, & Sarita.  Jobber entrances for the challengers.  Tara is in full heel mode.  Lacey is in full dumb bimbo mode.  Tara does the suplex into the guillotine.  Lacey throws a kick that fails, then dances.  Sarita tags in.  Velvet tags in and beats her up.  Sarita does some sloppy stuff.  Wilde tags in and Sarita backdrops her into a moonsault on Velvet for 2.  Velvet drops Wilde and tags in Rayne.  Wilde hits a sloppy release German suplex.  Tara screams for the tag, gets it, then Sarita blind tags herself in.  Tara decks Sarita.  Tara and Wilde argue and shove each other.  They go out of the ring.  Velvet and Lacey hit a double DDT on Sarita.  Rayne pins Sarita in 2:54.  Fucking abortion.

Still to come, Styles vs. Abyss and Wolfe vs. RVD.

Christy Hemme interviews Tara.  She challenges Rayne for the title at Sacrifice with Tara’s career on the line.

Three-Way Match: Team 3D vs. Beer Money vs. Motor City Machine Guns.  Beer Money and Guns both get jobber entrances.  Roode beats up Sabin.  Sabin does some flips and hits Roode with a kick for 2.  Storm and Shelley tag in.  Guns double team Storm.  Devon tags in and beats on Storm.  Storm hits a Codebreaker on Devon.  Beer Money work over Devon.  BEER!  MONEY!  Ray tags in and runs wild.  WASSUP headbutt on Roode.  Kevin Nash and Scott Hall come in and attack 3D for the DQ in 3:56.  Eric Young comes out with a Singapore cane, then to the shock of absolutely no one, turns on 3D and joins The Band.  The Guns come back in.  Shelley throws Young out of the ring.  Guns beat up Nash and Hall!  Beer Money beat up the Guns and hit the DWI on Sabin.  The heels beat down the babyfaces.

TNA’s cuts to commercial are very awkward.

David Penzer introduces Orlando Jordan, who gets on his “O-Zone” talk show set.  This is gayer than two guys blowing each other.  He interviews a cardboard cutout of Rob Terry.  Terry finally comes in, shoves Jordan down, tears up the cutout, and warns Jordan not to make him come back.  Terry holds up the Global Championship belt.  Jordan attacks Terry from behind and chokes him out.  Jordan throws a stupid vase thing on top of Terry.  Fuck this shit.

Monster’s Ball Match: AJ Styles vs. Abyss.  Styles springboards to the outside.  Abyss catches him and goes for a chokeslam.  Fails.  AJ throws a trash can.  Abyss throws AJ into the ring.  Abyss hits a big boot, then holds up a crutch.  AJ kicks him.  AJ avoids a chair shot.  Abyss punches him.  Abyss picks up the chair again.  AJ hits the Pele and a dropkick, then beats down Abyss.  Abyss sends AJ into a chair wedged between the turnbuckles, then hits the Shock Treatment for 2.  Abyss pours out thumbtacks.  Ric Flair and Chelsea come out.  Flair tells her to take her coat off.  Abyss tries to protect her and gets hit from behind by AJ.  Abyss sends Styles to the outside.  Styles hits a springboard cross body into the tacks for the pin in 4:11.  Chelsea opens her coat to reveal… her dress.  Flair and Styles put the boots to Abyss.  Another awkard cut to commercial.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: Rob Van Dam (c) vs. Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea).  Jobber entrance for Wolfe.  Wolfe attacks RVD on the outside immediately.  Wolfe beats up RVD back in the ring.  RVD blocks a suplex attempt.  Wolfe beats him up some more.  Cover gets 2.  Wolfe hits the Divorce Court for 2.  RVD hits the flying kick and the Rolling Thunder, then goes up top.  Wolfe cuts him off and goes for the Tower of London.  He tries again on the apron.  RVD counters and hits a springboard kick on the ramp.  ROB!  VAN!  DAM!  RVD backdrops Wolfe back into the ring, then hits the Five Star Frog Splash for the pin in 3:01, just so we all know Wolfe is a jobber.  AJ Styles sneak attacks RVD and says he’s taking his rematch at Sacrifice.

Backstage, Hulk Hogan finds that Jeff Jarrett has been clobbered by Sting.  Commercials.

Hulk Hogan comes out and babbles.  Sting comes out.  Hogan wants to know why Sting turned heel.  Sting says “Total Nonstop Action,” then babbles for a while about Hogan being protected, or something.  They banter.  Hogan challenges Sting to hit him.  Jeff Jarrett comes out, takes the bat, and hits Sting.  Hogan holds him back.  End of show.

That’s it.  Fuck this show.  I’m done.

TNA iMPACT! 4/19/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 21, 2010 by Grappleholic

Lockdown highlights.

“What We All Fight For.”

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are our announcers.

TNA World Heavyweight Champion AJ Styles comes to the ring and cuts a promo.  He says he’s “pound for pound, the best wrestler in the world.”  He talks about being the best and beating everybody.  Rob Van Dam comes out and cuts a promo on AJ.  Jeff Hardy comes out and spouts off a bunch of jibberish.  Hulk Hogan comes out and cuts a promo putting over the importance of the title.  Hogan books RVD vs. Hardy in a #1 Contender match, with the winner challenging AJ for the title.  Styles says he won’t be ready by Sacrifice.  Hogan says the match is TONIGHT!  Long segment.  I gave you the short version.

Ric Flair arrives.  Somebody tells him about the match Hogan just booked.  Flair isn’t happy.

Tenay and Taz cream themselves over the matches Hogan booked.  Also, Ric Flair will be barred from ringside for the title match.

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship Match: The Beautiful People (c) (w/ TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne) vs. ODB & Daffney.  The BP team is announced as Velvet & Rayne, but Lacey is the one that’s wrestling, so I guess they’re using the Freedbird rule.  Of course, nobody bothers to explain that.  Daffney runs wild to start, literally.  Lacey tags in and does her stupid backflip elbow drop.  Velvet tags in and beats up Daffney.  Daffney catches Velvet coming off the top with a shot to the gut.  ODB gets the hot tag and runs wild.  Madison distracts the referee.  Lacey sprains hair spray in ODB’s eyes and Velvet schoolgirls her for the pin in 2:42.  Well this sucked.

Jeremy Borash eavesdrops of AJ Styles bitching at Ric Flair about the situation he’s in tonight.  Flair encourages AJ, saying he’ll beat whoever he faces tonight.  Flair says he wants a rematch from Lethal Lockdown.  JB comes in and questions Flair about it.  Flair says if Team Hogan doesn’t accept the challenge in 5 minutes, he’ll claim the win by forfeit.  I give TNA major credit for not doing the invisible camera shit here.

Abyss and Jeff Jarrett come to the ring.  Abyss says the war between Team Hogan and Team Flair is over since the babyfaces won at Lockdown.  I agree.  Abyss says they would accept the challenge if RVD and Hardy weren’t already booked tonight.  Ric Flair comes out with Sting, Beer Money, and Desmond Wolfe.  Flair says “Kiss my ass.”  Team Flair comes to the ring and gangs up on Abyss and Jarrett.  “The Freak” Rob Terry makes the save for Team Hogan and cleans house.  He takes 2 tries to press Desmond Wolfe and trips while trying to do his jumping kick on Sting in the process.  Flair starts babbling.  Eric Bischoff comes out and agrees to the rematch, with Team Flair vs. Abyss, Jarrett, Terry, and a mystery man.

RVD vs. Hardy TONIGHT!

Stupid commercial inset: Jeff Hardy!

TNA World Tag Team Champions Matt Morgan asks Shannon Moore to defend the tag titles with him next week, referring to himself in plural form the whole time.  Moore says he has an X Division Title shot next week, so Morgan can “kiss [his] tattooed ass.”

Tenay and Taz wonder who the mystery man is going to be.

Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff talk about the double cross they pulled on Flair last night and the matches they’ve booked tonight.  Hogan asks if “he” is for sure going to be there tonight.  Bischoff assures Hogan that “he” will be there.  Hogan asks Bischoff about his supposed rankings system.  Bischoff sends Miss Tessmacher’s ass to go get some files for him.  Bischoff says “she takes great dictation.”  I bet she does…

RVD is walking backstage.  This is shot in shitty documentary style.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contender Match: Jeff Hardy vs. Rob Van Dam.  They shake hands, then start feeling each other out.  In a wrestling way, not a homoerotic way.  Well…  Nevermind.  They trade holds.  Hardy goes for a surprise Twist of Fate, but that shit’s not happening.  Match goes to commercial a minute in.  Fuck.  They show a random few seconds in the middle of the break.  I motherfucking hate when those motherfuckers do that shit.  RVD hits the MOTHERFUCKING GUARDRAIL LEG DROP!  They show RVD getting bumped into the barricade during the break.  RVD hits a slingshot apron leg drop.  Awesome.  I seem to pop for any unusual leg drop variation.  RVD hits a diving cross body for 2.  RVD’s head wound from Lockdown opens up again.  He’s BUSTED WIDE OPEN!  Hardy makes his comeback and gets some near falls.  Hardy catches RVD’s splits monkey flip move and does his weird leg drop to the legs pinning predicament move for 2.  Hardy goes up top.  RVD cuts him off, sets him up on the top rope, and hits his springboard kick.  Hardy takes a bump out of the ring.  RVD hits a twisting leg drop and a Rolling Thunder-style splash for 2.  RVD avoids Hardy’s corner dropkick and hits the split legged moonsault for 2.  They go at it some more.  Hardy hits his front suplex and goes up top.  RVD catches him with a kick.  Hardy fights RVD off the top and goes for the Swanton Bomb.  RVD avoids it and hits the Five Star Frog Splash for the pin in 13:30.  Really good match.

Christy Hemme is with RVD and Jeff Hardy.  They do commentary over clips of their match.  It’s funny.  They shake hands and hug.  RVD is ready for his title shot.

Abyss gives Jeff Jarrett and Rob Terry a pep talk.

They show Sting and Jarrett brawling last Monday.

Lethal Lockdown Rematch… Except that there’s no cage: Team Flair (Sting, Beer Money, & Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. Team Hogan (Abyss, Jeff Jarrett, TNA Global Champion “The Freak” Rob Terry, & Mystery Partner).  Sting and Jarrett are the first two entrants.  Commercials before the opening bell, then Sting and Jarrett are brawling in the crowd.  The referee says “Fuck it” and calls for the opening bell.  They brawl in the crowd and hit each other with chairs for the first 4 minutes, then finally make it to the ring.  Jarrett avoids the Stinger Splash and hits some awful looking punches and a clothesline.  Right after, they do a double clothesline spot.  Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) comes in for Team Flair and tags in.  Yeah, apparently it’s tag team rules.  Jarrett and Wolfe wrestle.  Wolfe goes for the Tower of London, but Jarrett counters and hits a backdrop suplex.  Rob Terry comes in for Team Hogan, tags in, and runs wild.  Orlando Jordan comes out in a bubble wrap vest to check out Terry.  Commercials.  Robert Roode and Abyss, who both entered during the break, go at it.  James Storm enters for Team Flair and kicks Abyss in the head, allowing Roode to hit a Blockbuster.  Beer Money double teams Abyss.  Wolfe and Jarrett tag in.  Jarrett fights off Wolfe and Roode until Storm kicks Jarrett in the gut.  Beer Money and Wolfe tripe team Jarrett, but Jarrett fights them all off.  SAMOA JOE enters for Team Hogan!  And the stupid face paint and pajama pants are gone!  Joe tags in and MURDER DEATH KILLS Team Flair.  Joe hits the Muscle Buster on Roode for the pin in 16:40.  JOE IS BACK!  He refuses to celebrate with his partners and leaves.  Apparently Joe was kidnapped by Weight Watchers and the Fashion Police.  Ric Flair comes out and starts to talk.  Commercials!

TNA has no fucking idea how to work their show around commercials.

During the break, Ric Flair challenged Abyss to a Ring vs. Ring match next week.  Abyss accepted.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: AJ Styles (c) vs. Rob Van Dam.  Styles throws his robe at RVD and jumps him to start the match.  Styles sends RVD out of the ring and wipes him out with a suicide dive.  Commercials!  Styles works over RVD.  They do the leapfrog, drop down, dropkick but with RVD tripping in the process, but they recovered nicely.  Styles works RVD’s leg.  RVD makes his comeback, monkey flips Styles across the ring, and hits the Rolling Thunder for 2.  Styles locks RVD in the figure-four leglock.  RVD gets a rope break.  Styles goes for it again, but RVD gets him with an inside cradle for 2.  Styles hits the Pele kick and goes for the Styles Clash.  RVD backdrops him to the apron.  Styles goes for a springboard rana, but RVD powerbombs him and hits the Five Star Frog Splash for the pin in 10:33 to WIN THE TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!  Pretty good match.  Confetti falls.  Jeff Hardy comes out to raise RVD’s hand.  Hulk Hogan, Dixie Carter, Abyss, Team 3D, Rob Terry, Jeff Jarrett, and Eric Bischoff come out to join in the celebration.  Hogan presents RVD with the belt.  3D raises RVD up on their shoulders.  Styles looks on, very upset.  Great feel good moment.

This was a really good TV show by TNA standards, and MUCH better than the horrible Raw we suffered through this week.  They still need to work on pacing their show better so the commercial breaks aren’t at such retarded fucking times.

TNA iMPACT! 4/5/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 6, 2010 by Grappleholic

“Last week on iMPACT!…” video package.

Christy Hemme is in the locker room explaining some convoluted womens’ match they’re doing tonight.  There’s gonna be four keys that unlock four boxes.  In the respective boxes are Poison (Tara’s spider), a contract for a match of their choice, something that will compel a woman to do a striptease, and the Knockouts Title.  Christy interviews the Knockouts Tag Team Champions, The Beautiful People.  Velvet says they’re going to crush the spider.  Lacey wants to do the walk around in her underwear.  She has to win a match for that?

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Hulk Hogan, Abyss, and Jeff Jarrett come out.  Hogan and Abyss cut promos.  Ric Flair is wheeled out by Chelsea.  Sting, Desmond Wolfe, and Beer Money come out with him.  I assume that’s his team for Lockdown.  Flair cuts a typically great promo.  Crazy Ric Flair is awesome.  Hogan says Flair will find out who the rest of Team Hogan is “when the time is right.”  Team Flair heads to the ring.  Jarrett wants to ask Sting a question, “Friend to friend, or is it foe?”  I think it’s pretty fucking obvious he’s a foe when you’re on opposite sides of a blood feud, you fucking moron.  Jarrett asks Sting “Why now?” then slaps him.  Sting slaps him back and drops him with the Scorpion Death Lock.  Wolfe jumps Abyss with Sting’s bat.  Beer Money comes in and they corner Hogan.  Jeff Hardy and Rob Van Dam make the save.  I guess who know who the other two guys on Team Hogan are.  Commericials.

Rob Van Dam vs. James Storm.  JIP.  RVD has the advantage.  He hits a monkey flip out of the corner for 2.  RVD knocks Storm off of the apron with his flying kick, fails a baseball slide dropkick, and gets rammed into the barricade.  Storm hits the DDT OF MURDER! on RVD for 2.  RVD is the first guy I ever remember seeing take that move from Randy Orton.  Storm hits a suplex.  BEER!  Cover gets 2.  Storm clamps on a rear chin lock.  RVD fights out and gets a quick schoolboy for 2.  RVD hits a bunch of his fancy kicks.  RVD hits the Rolling Thunder for 2.  Storm hits an enzuigiri and the Eye of the Storm for 2.  RVD wallops Storm with a kick to the head, then slams him and hits the split legged moonsault for the pin (about 5 1/2 minutes shown).  Not a bad little match.  I fear this is as good as this show is going to get, though.  Storm smashes a beer bottle in RVD’s face.  Guys come out to check on him.  Commercials!

Moments ago, ^ happened.

The guys help RVD as Storm does RVD’s taunt on the ramp.  Jeff Hardy runs out and decks him from behind.  Storm bails.  Hardy checks on RVD.  Robert Roode sneaks in through the crowd and gives Hardy a spinebuster.

Christy Hemme interviews one of the teams in the convoluted women’s match tonight: Knockouts Champion Tara, Angelina Love, ODB, and Hamada.  Tara thinks TNA is doing this to get ratings.  Hah!  Like ANYTHING TNA does is going to get ratings.  Angelina wants the title.  They argue stupidly.  ODB wants the contract so she can wrestle AJ.  Hamada speaks Japanese.  Hemme says “What she said.”  I agree.

TNA Global Championship Match: “The Freak” Rob Terry (c) vs. Homicide.  Holy shit, Homicide is still employed!  Homicide tries, but Terry no sells everything he does and destroys him.  Terry press slams Homicide and otherwise tosses him around.  Homicide fails at building momentum.  Terry hits the over the shoulder powerslam for the pin in 1:57.  Whatever.  Homicide attacks Terry with a chair.  He gives Terry a chair shot RIGHT TO THE FUCKING HEAD, COMPLETELY UNPROTECTED.  Terry no sells it and chokeslams Homicide.  Terry is bleeding.  Orlando Jordan appears on the stage and shoots white cream all over himself.  … the fuck?  I saw this segment during the live airing and went on quite a tirade about it, but I’ve lost some of my venom since then.

Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle in a Ladder Match is still to come!  The stupid Knockouts match is NEXT!

The Beautiful People are getting ready.

Lock Box Showdown Elimination Match: TNA Knockouts Champion Tara, Angelina Love, ODB, & Hamada vs. TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions Velvet Sky & Madison Rayne, Lacey Von Erich, & Daffney.  They do some shit.  Who cares?  Rayne puts Tara in a head scissors and humps the mat.  Tara gives her the Window’s Peak for the pin at 1:13, so they’re both eliminated and Tara gets a key.  Daffney attacks somebody.  Insta-commercials.  ODB fights Velvet.  Daffney pinned Hamada after a failed moonsault during the break.  ODB hits a fall away slam on Velvet, nips up, and covers for 2.  Velvet pins ODB after a DDT to win key #3.  Angelina beats up Lacey.  Lacey fails the moonsault elbow drop.  Love hits a Flatliner for the pin (4:28 shown).  Tara, Daffney, Velvet, and Love win.  It doesn’t make sense to me either.  I give this whole concept -***** and I don’t even give star ratings.

They show the locked boxes in the back, except they’re all unlocked.  They’ll be (presumably) re locked and unlocked again later.

Angle/Anderson video package.

Ladder Match: Ken Anderson vs. Kurt Angle.  The prize is the key to the cage at Lockdown.  What is it with all of the fucking keys tonight?  Entrances, insta-commercials.  The match starts with Angle immediately going for the Angle Slam.  Anderson counters.  Anderson brings in a ladder and suplexes Angle onto it.  Angle belly to belly suplexes Anderson onto the ladder.  The ladder gets set up.  Angle gets whipped, ducks under it, and gets it thrown in his face.  Anderson goes for the key.  Angle hits the Angle Slam off of the ladder.  Angle throws Anderson out of the ring and goes for the key.  He climbs too slow.  Anderson comes back in and pushes the ladder over.  Angle takes a bump out of the ring.  Crowd chants “HOLY SHIT!” and they bleep it.  Anderson slowly climbs the ladder.  Angle climbs to the top rope and dropkicks the ladder over.  Angle lays out Anderson out the ladder, pounds his face in, goes up top, and hits a MOONSAULT onto Anderson ON THE LADDER!  Angle climbs the ladder.  Anderson steals the dog tag again and chokes Angle with it.  Angle still manages to touch the big wooden plank attached to the key, but finally passes out.  Anderson climbs up and grabs the key to win it in 9:11.  Actually a good match, but unnecessary.  Anderson says he’s going to drink some bubbly to celebrate his victory at Lockdown, because he just secured it.  He’s going to party by himself.

Jeremy Borash interviews Hulk Hogan.  JB asks him about Eric Bischoff.  Hogan says his business with Eric is private.  Bubba the Love Sponge comes up to talk to Hogan.  I wish that fuck would fuck off and fucking die.  He leaves.  Jay Lethal comes up to talk to Hogan and silliness ensues.

The Band shows up and meets Bubba.  Fuck that guy.

Later tonight, the unlocked boxes will be locked and unlocked again!

Christy Hemme interviews the TNA World Tag Team Champions Matt Morgan.  Seriously.  He’s champions by himself now.  Christy is confused.  That’s not a new sensation for her.

TNA World Tag Team Championship #1 Contenders Match: The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Team 3D.  They wrestled to a double pin on Xplosion last week.  Sabin and Ray start.  Ray wrings Sabin’s arm and Sabin does his flippy stuff to escape.  He wrings Bubba’s arm, and Bubba does Sabin’s flippy stuff to escape.  Sabin throws some kicks.  Bubba mows him down with a boot.  Sabin hits a NICE springboard cross body for 2.  Shelley tags in.  Guns double kick Bubba.  Bubba chops Shelley down.  Devon tags in and beats up Shelley.  Shelley catches Devon with a knee and makes the tag.  Sabin hits 3D with elbow smashes.  Sabin drops 3D with a double dropkick.  Sabin ducks Bubba, who accidentally clotheslines Devon.  Sabin hits an enzuigiri to drop Bubba.  Guns double team Devon.  The cross body/neckbreaker combo gets 2.  3D hit the WASSUP  on Sabin.  “GET THE TABLES!”  Why do they do that in every match?  You’ll be DQ’d, morons.  Devon sets up a table on the outside.  The Band comes out and jumps 3D to cause the DQ in 4:03.  Really fun little match while it lasted.  Syxx-Pac hits the X Factor on Bubba.  Hall hits the Razor’s Edge on Sabin.  Nash teases powerbomb Shelley, then just clotheslines him.  Can Nash even do a powerbomb anymore?  Pac spray paints Shelley’s back, then pounds on Bubba some more.  Commercials.

The Band is still in the ring.  Bubba the worthless fuck comes out to join them.  Nash says they might not be signing the checks, but they’re running the show.  Nash cuts a promo on Hogan.  They learned how to be bad from him, etc. etc.  The Wolfpac rip off theme plays.

JB interviews The Pope.  Desmond Wolfe interrupts “The Poop.”  That’s what it sounded like he said, anyway.  Wolfe says he should be getting the title shot.  He could pull double duty at Lockdown.  Pope says Wolfe can have the title shot if he beats him tonight.

Tara is stressing about the key.

TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams comes out.  Crowd chants “USA!”  Williams talks about the flippy floppy guys in the X Division.  He wants to called Douglas Williams from now on.  He’s going to face Generation Me in a Gauntlet Match tonight.

Non-Title: TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams vs. Jeremy Buck.  Jeremy gets a near fall with a moonsault body block.  Jeremy hits a slingshot X Factor for 2.  Williams avoids another moonsault and hits the Chaos Theory for the pin in 1:22.

Non-Title: TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams vs. Max Buck.  Max hits a slingshot clothesline into the ring, does some flippy stuff, and gets 2 off of a dropkick.  Max keeps the pressure on and hits a leg drop for 2.  Max goes up top.  Williams cuts him off and locks in a guillotine for the submission win in 1:17.  He refuses to break the hold.  Shannon Moore makes the save and tries to put makeup on Williams.  Williams bails.  Moore calls Williams a boring ass wrestler.  Fuck him.  He wants a title shot at Lockdown.  Ugh.

Angelina Love has a key.

House Show plugs.

Christy Hemme interviews Team 3D.  Bubba is like “WTF man?”  Bubba challenges “the Wolfpac” to a match next week.  Devon says they’ll kick their asses.

Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  Wolfe gets a jobber entrance.  He meets Pope on the stage and they brawl.  Pope throws Wolfe into the ring, takes his entrance gear off, and gets jumped trying to get into the ring.  Pope fights back.  Crowd chants “POPE IS PIMPIN’!”  Wolfe hits the Divorce Court and goes for the Tower of London.  Pope counters.  Pope drops his knee pads and hits a Codebreaker(!) for the pin in 2:04.  Too short to amount to anything.  The World Champion AJ Styles jumps Pope, kicks his ass, and gives him the Styles Clash.  Abyss comes out.  Styles bails.  Wolfe jumps Abyss and gets his ass kicked.  Styles clips Abyss’ leg.  Styles taunts Pope.  Wolfe hits Abyss with a fire extinguisher.

Tenay and Taz talk about how Team Flair has picked off Team Hogan.

JB is on stage with the locked boxes and chicks who won keys.  Velvet Sky wins the open contract.  Tara wins her spider.  She’s happy, then realizes that means she lost the title.  Angelina wins the Knockouts Title and Daffney has to strip.  JB tells Daffney she has to do the striptease or be fired.  They play stripper music.  Daffney walks to the ring looking nothing at all like a chick I want to see strip.  She takes off her hat and collar.  She lowers hear straps a little bit.  Lacey Von Erich runs out, whacks Daffney with the ugly stick, and starts to do the strip tease.  Tara and Angelina start brawling over the title.  Lacey just prances around while Tara and Angelina roll around the mat.  Velvet says next week, she’s using her contract to face Angelina in a Leather & Lace Match.  Tara and Love go after Lacey.  Security holds them back.  The show ends.

Seriously, fuck this show.

TNA iMPACT! 3/22/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 27, 2010 by Grappleholic

The show opens with Eric Bischoff in the ring playing guitar.  The fuck?  He calls out Jeff Jarrett because he wants Jarrett to play the guitar.  Jarrett says Bischoff isn’t going to humiliate him anymore.  Bischoff says Jarrett has no guts, or whatever.  Jarrett takes the guitar, puts it down, and leaves.  Bischoff talks about him having “no stones” again.  Jarrett comes back and CLOBBERS Bischoff with the guitar!  YES!

Jarrett comes backstage and hugs Mick Foley.  Jarrett says that felt good.

Moments ago, ^ happened.

Bischoff finally struggles to his feet and books Jeff Jarrett vs. Mick Foley for tonight, with the loser getting fired and winner being Bischoff’s bitch.

Foley and Jarrett are pissed backstage.

Mike Tenay and Taz are our announcers.

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions The Beautiful People, Lacey Von Erich, & Daffney vs. TNA Knockouts Champion Tara, Angelina Love, Taylor Wilde, & Sarita.  After the heels’ entrances, Tara comes out and begs Daffney not to hurt her spider.  The heels jump Tara, but her partners make the save.  Insta-commercials, JIP.  Lots of quick tags and some decent exchanges.  The bad girls get heat on Tara.  Daffney taunts Tara with her spider.  Love tags in and hits a Flatliner on Daffney.  Velvet hits a DDT on Love.  Wilde gets a Northern Lights suplex hold on Rayne.  Who the fuck is legal?  Sarita hits a sit-out powerbomb on Rayne.  Lacey hits a chokeslam on Sarita.  Tara hits the Widow’s Peak on Lacey, then goes to retrieve her spider.  Daffney hits a swank spinning fisherman’s neckbreaker (the Lobotomy) for the pin.  Total clusterfuck.

AJ Styles and Ric Flair arrive, all banged up.  Flair is still in the wheelchair and Styles is on a crutch and has his arm in a sling.

Still to come, Jarrett vs. Foley.  Hulk Hogan makes an announcement about Lockdown NEXT!

Styles and Flair are hobbling/wheeling in backstage.

Destination X highlight package.

Hulk Hogan and Abyss come out.  Hogan talks for a while, then announces that Abyss will be the captain of Team Hogan at Lockdown.  Abyss talks for a while.  Ric Flair (wheeled by Chelsea) and AJ Styles come out and yell.  Flair says the captain of Team Flair will be Sting.  The lights go out.  Sting appears sitting on a top turnbuckle.  Styles whacks Abyss with his crutch.  Hogan is magically handcuffed to the ropes.  Sting leaves as Styles puts the boots to Abyss.  D’Angelo Dinero makes the save and hits the Elijah Express on Styles, when unlocks Hogan’s cuffs.  Hogan pushes Flair’s wheelchair down the ramp and Abyss clotheslines Flair.  Those dicks.  This was stupid.

Jeff Hardy, Rob Van Dam, and Shannon Moore arrive.  Christy Hemme talks to them.

TNA Global Championship Match: Rob Terry (c) vs. Tomko.  Terry no sells everything and kills Tomko.  Terry hits the World’s Strongest Slam, the spin kick, and the chokeslam/spinebuster for the pin in 1:02.  Whatever.

They show Foley shaving Bischoff’s head and Jarrett whacking him with the guitar.

Foley and Jarrett will meet NEXT!  Beer Money are going to be the special guest referees!

Foley & Jarrett/Bischoff video package.

Jeremy Borash interviews Mick Foley and Jeff Jarrett.

Loser Is Fired: Mick Foley vs. Jeff Jarrett.  Beer Money are the special guest referees.  They lock up and break.  They lock up again.  Foley backs Jarrett into the corner and Storm forces a break.  Storm is the inside referee while Roode is on the outside.  Foley hits an elbow smash for 2.  Jarrett gets a sunset flip for 2.  FOLEY DOES A BACKSLIDE.  Now I’ve seen everything.  They counter each other’s finishers.  Roode trips Jarrett.  Foley and Jarrett fight outside.  Bischoff comes out to the announce table.  Insta-commercials.  Jarrett and Foley brawl on the stage.  Jarrett suplexes Foley on the stage, which actually holds up this week.  They go at it back in the ring.  Jarrett drops Foley with a punch for a 2 count.  Beer Money have switched places now, with Roode being in the ring and Storm being outside.  If it matters.  It doesn’t.  Jarrett hits a DDT for 2.  Jarrett brings in a chair.  Foley boots him in the gut and hits the double arm DDT for 2, as Jarrett gets his foot on the bottom rope.  Foley pulls out the sock and clamps on the Mandible Claw.  Roode doesn’t something I missed.  Foley turns it into a Mandible Claw body scissors or something.  Jarrett gets free and hits the Stroke onto the chair for the pin (8:02 shown).  Pretty good match.  Jarrett is upset at getting his friend fired, but Foley raises Jarrett’s hand.  Jarrett returns the gesture and they shake hands.  Bischoff tells Beer Money to beat up Jarrett, and they oblige.  They wedge a chair between the top and middle turnbuckles and ram Jarrett into it.  Jeff Hardy and Rob Van Dam run in and chase of Beer Money.  RVD takes the mic and challenges Beer Money to a match tonight.  They accept.

Moments ago, ^ happened.

They show Mick Foley saying his goodbyes as he leaves.  Bubba the Love Sponge is back.  FUCK.  Even the Impact Zone mutants boo him.  Foley doesn’t want to talk to him.  Bubba insults him, so Foley fucking decks him.  YES!  ***** segment.  Foley says “BANG BANG!” and leaves.  That makes my day.

Bischoff talks to Hogan backstage.  They discuss their various personal issues.  Hogan tells Bischoff do drop the personal vendetta against Jeff Jarrett.  Bischoff agrees, asks Hogan if he set up the RVD and Hardy deal, says “nevermind,” and leaves.

Christy Hemme interviews Beer Money.  They meet RVD & Jeff Hardy TONIGHT!

Up NEXT, the battle of Tag champions!

House show plugs!

JB interviews Rob Van Dam and Jeff Hardy.

Morgan/Hernandez video package.

TNA World Tag Team Champion Matt Morgan vs. TNA World Tag Team Champion Hernandez.  Hernandez jumps Morgan in the aisle and kicks his ass.  Morgan begs off, but Hernandez doesn’t buy it and keeps kicking his ass.  He does the shirt throw thingy, a Stinger Splash, and a spinebuster.  Hernandez charges Morgan in the corner again, but Morgan backdrops Hernandez out of the ring.  They brawl on the floor, but Hernandez accidentally hits the post.  Morgan hits the Carbon Footprint and sandwiches Hernandez’s head into the post.  Fucking OUCH.  It’s a no contest in about 3 1/2 minutes as referee Slick Johnson calls for medics.  Insta-commercials.

They stretcher Hernandez out.  Homicide makes his first appearance in weeks as he comes out to check on his former partner that he turned on months ago.  They put Hernandez in an ambulance.  Hogan tells somebody to call Hernandez’s wife.  Taz and Tenay talk about what happened.

They show what happened with The Band and Eric Young at Destination X.

Beer Money vs. Rob Van Dam & Jeff Hardy.  Storm and Hardy start.  Hardy backdrops Storm out of the ring and onto Roode, then gets a ladder and sets it up between the apron and the barricade.  Insta-commercials.  Rob Van Dam hits an apron leg drop on Roode.  Insta-commercials.  Seriously.  I hate those.  RVD hits a moonsault body block on Roode for 2.  Tag to Storm.  RVD wipes him out with a kick and tags in Hardy.  Hardy hits his legs spread leg drop and a front suplex on Storm for 2, as Roode saves.  RVD comes in and takes Roode out.  Hardy goes up top, but Roode trips him.  Beer Money gets heat on Hardy.  Taz gets in his weekly “Vintage” jab.  Roode hits a BIG spinebuster for 2.  Beer Money continues to beat up Hardy while taunting Van Dam.  Hardy hits the Whisper In The Wind on Storm.  Roode and RVD get the tags.  RVD runs wild.  RVD monkey flips Roode and hits his diving kick for 2.  Storm saves.  RVD kicks Storm in the head, slams him, and hits the split legged moonsault.  He’s not the legal man, Rob!  Roode nails RVD with a clothesline.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Beer Money hits a double suplex on Hardy.  Beer Money hit their AWESOME catapult into a DDT on RVD.  Roode covers for 2.  Roode goes for the Payoff on Hardy, but Hardy counters and hits the Twist of Fate.  Hardy takes his shirt off, then Roode pulls him out of the ring.  Hardy slides under the ladder, then sends it into Storm.  RVD hits the Rolling Thunder on Roode.  Hardy hits the Swanton Bomb and Van Dam follows with the Five Star Frog Splash on Roode for the pin (10:52 shown).  Really good tag match.

As RVD and Hardy celebrate, Eric Young comes in through the crowd and says that next week, it’ll be The Band vs. Young, RVD, & Hardy.  They all hold hands in the middle of the ring as the show closes.  I jest.  Kind of.

Better show than Raw this week, I thought.

TNA Destination X 2010

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 27, 2010 by Grappleholic

Opening video package.

TNA Wrestling presents… Destination X!  Pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Four-Way Ladder Match to determine the #1 Contender for the TNA X Division Championship: Brian Kendrick vs. Amazing Red vs. Daniels vs. Kazarian.  Typically great flippy spottyness.  Red takes out Daniels and Kazarian with an awesome spinning dive to the outside.  Kendrick brings in a ladder and goes for the prize, but Kazarian cuts him off.  Everybody cuts everybody else off from climbing the ladder.  Red slides under the ladder and dropkicks it into Daniels, then tries to climb.  Kendrick cuts him off and tries to climb.  Red returns the favor and cuts Kendrick off.  Kendrick slingshots Kazarian onto the ladder from the apron.  Daniels drops Kendrick with an STO.  Daniels does the Terry Funk spinning ladder spot until Red hits him with a drop toe hold.  Kendrick sets up a ladder bridge between the apron and the barricade.  Kazarian front suplexes him onto it.  Daniels lays out Kazarian on the ladder and hits the Arabian press onto him.  Red hits a swank springboard rana off of the ladder bridge onto Daniels.  “HOLY SHIT!” chants.  “THIS IS AWESOME!” chants.  Kazarian and Red fight on top of the ladder.  Kendrick tries to do something to them and gets pie faces off.  Kazarian teases the Flux Capacitor on Red, but Kendrick pushes the ladder over to prevent that awesomeness from occurring.  Daniels sends Kazarian painfully into the ladder.  More painful looking ladder spots follow.  Awesome spot with Red ducking the ladder Matrix-style and kicking it into Kazarian’s face.  Daniels turns Red inside out with a lariat.  Daniels tries to suplex Kazarian onto a ladder, but Kendrick nails them both with another ladder, then tries to climb.  Kazarian cuts him off.  Daniels backdrops Kazarian into the ladder bridged in the corner.  Kendrick tries to climb the vertical ladder, but Daniels cuts him off and climbs himself.  Kazarian powerbombs Daniels into the corner ladder.  Ouch.  Kazarian and Kendrick fight on top of the ladder.  Kendrick brings Kazarian down face first.  Double ouch.  Red and Kendrick fight.  Kendrick backdrops Red out of the ring.  Kazarian and Kedrick fight.  Kazarian counters a Sliced Bread #2 attempt and hits an STO.  Kazarian catches Red with a springboard Ace Crusher.  Ouch.  Kendrick hits the Sliced Bread #2 on Kazarian.  Daniels hits a Death Valley Driver on Kendrick.  Red hits Daniels with a palm strike and sets up another ladder.  They fight as they climb up.  Daniels hits a Rock Bottom off of the ladder.  Daniels traps Red under the ladder.  Daniels and Kendrick climb up.  Kazarian springboards to the ladder, knocks Kendrick off, and suplexes Daniels off the ladder.  Kazarian fights Kendrick off again and grabs the contract hanging above the ring for the win in 13:42.  Really fun opening spot fest.  Kazarian celebrates and they show highlights.

Tenay and Taz talk about the main event.  Ric Flair’s music interrupts.

Chelsea wheels Ric Flair out in a wheel chair.  Flair cuts a typical Flair ranting promo, then has Chelsea wheel him to the back.  Alrighty.

Hulk Hogan talks to Abyss backstage.  The picture randomly goes black for a second.  Eric Bischoff walks in as Abyss leaves.  Bischoff is pissed about having his head shaved.  Abyss and Hogan think it’s funny.  Hogan tells Bischoff to focus on business instead of personal issues.

Knockouts Tale of the Tape.

TNA Knockouts Championship Match: Tara (c) vs. Daffney.  They start brawling immediately.  Tara slams Daffney and hits the standing moonsault for 2 (might have been 1, I can’t pay extreme close attention and type at the same time).  Daffney hits some painful looking stomps to Tara’s back, then kicks her in the leg, then covers for 2.  Tara rallies against the assault and locks in the Tarantula.  Daffney keeps the heat on Tara with repeated snapmares.  Cover gets 2.  Daffney rocks some weird submission holds.  Tara makes her comeback and rocks Daffney with an enzuigiri.  Tara hits a spinebuster for a very close 2.  Daffney hits a Northern Lights suplex hold for 2.  Tara hits a spinning side slam for 2.  Daffney hits a Codebreaker-style knee to the face for 2, screams, and throws Tara outside.  Daffney rams Tara into the barricade.  Back inside, Daffney tries to use the belt as a weapon.  Tara avoids it and hits the Widow’s Peak for the pin in 6:43.  Fine match.  Tara hugs some fans.  Tara comes back into the ring to find that Daffney has stolen her spider.  Tara chases her.

Christy Hemme interviews Brutus Magnus, who says his name is now just “Magnus.”  The Magnus formerly known as Brutus cuts a promo on Rob Terry.

TNA Global Championship Match: Rob Terry (c) vs. Magnus.  They lock up.  Terry kicks Magnus’ ass.  Magnus gets a little bit of offense rolling, but Terry hits the World’s Strongest Slam.  Magnus fights some more, but Terry drops him with a swank kick and a spinebuster for the pin in 1:24.  Whatever.

Ultimate X video package.

Christy Hemme interviews the Motor City Machine Guns.  The video randomly blacks out for a second again.

Tenay and Taz talk as the ring crew put the finishing touches on the Ultimate X structure.

Ultimate X Match to determine the #1 Contenders for the TNA World Tag Team Championship: Generation Me vs. The Motor City Machine Guns.  Super fast start, including the do si do spot.  Really great stuff, but they’re moving way faster than I can type!  Double teaming on both sides.  Shelley holds the Bucks down with a double submission hold to give Sabin a chance to climb up, but he fails.  Annoying dueling chants.  Sabin takes out Max with a sweet dive to the outside.  Jeremy goes for the X, but Sabin cuts him off.  Guns double team Jeremy, but he fights them off.  Jeremy goes for the X again.  Guns cut him off and double team him again.  Much awesomeness.  Max hits a big missile dropkick to the guns, then hits then with a baseball slide dropkick through the ropes.  Jeremy wipes the Guns out with a dive.  Awesome.  “TNA!” chants.  Max goes for the X.  Sabin fails at cutting him off.  Shelley succeeds, then fails at the Shiranui.  Bucks double team Shelley.  Jeremy hits a sick springboard X factor on Sabin, then hits another suicide dive on Shelley.  Another “HOLY SHIT!” chant, followed by an “X DIVISION!” chant.  Jeremy climbs the structure and goes for the X as Max stands guard.  Sabin drops Max and uses him as a springboard to take Jeremy down.  A succession of awesome moves follows.  “THIS IS AWESOME!” chant.  All 4 guys go for the prize and all end up dropping.  Bucks land a series of superkicks to the guns.  Max powerbombs Shelley into Jeremy’s knees.  More crazy awesomeness.  Guns hit the Made In Detroit on Max.  Sabin and Jeremy go for the prize.  Sabin kicks Jeremy down and grabs the big red X for the win at 12:03.  Awesome match.

Nash & Young vs. The Band video package.

Jeremy Borash interviews Syxx-Pac and Scott Hall, who is finally wearing wrestling gear.  They then go to the ring with no music.  Hall goes old school with his pre-match promo, doing the survey thing.

Scott Hall & Syxx-Pac vs. Kevin Nash & Eric Young.  Hall and Pac have to win to get contracts, or lose and leave “forever.”  Young and Pac start with a very aggressive lock up.  Young hits a Lou Thesz press and otherwise beats up Waltman.  Hall decks Young from the apron.  Young nails Hall, but eats a spin kick from Waltman for 2.  Hall tags in to a big pop.  Hall hits a fall away slam on Young for 2.  Waltman tags in and battles Young some more.  Waltman throws Young out of the ring and hits a nice dive.  It would have been more impressive if we hadn’t already see a hundred crazy dives already on this show.  Young drives Waltman’s balls into the post.  Hall decks Young to give Waltman time to recover.  Hall tags in and locks Young in a sleeper hold.  Young fights out and makes the tag to Nash… but the referee missed it.  Waltman grabs some spray paint from under the ring and sprays it in Young’s face.  Young tries to fight while blinded.  He makes the tag to Nash.  Nash powerbombs Young!  Nash puts Young in the corner, then tags him in.  Waltman hits the X Factor.  Hall hits the Razor’s Edge.  Waltman pins Young in 7:56.  The match was okay in points, but nothing especially good.  Waltman spray paints the outline of Young’s body on the mat.  THE WOLFPAC THEME PLAYS!  Oh, it’s a cheap knockoff.  Boo.

JB interviews Kurt Angle.  Angle tells him to leave because he doesn’t like guys who hold mics anymore.  Angle holds up his medal, then burns a picture of Mr. Anderson.

TNA X Division Championship Match: Doug Williams (c) vs. Shannon Moore.  They have a good wrestling exchange on top of the spray paint outline.  Good back and forth action.  Moore hits a nice diving rana for 2.  Williams chokes Moore with his boot.  Just choke him a little longer and harder, Doug.  Williams hits a knee lift for 2.  Williams hits a gutwrench suplex and goes for the Chaos Theory, fails, and hits a running knee in the corner.  They fight back and forth.  Moore gets some offense rolling.  Moore hits a Whisper In the Wind.  Williams bails.  Moore hits a baseball slide dropkick, then a moonsault from the top rope to the outside.  Williams grabs a brick from under the ring and nails Moore with it behind the referee’s back.  Williams gets the pin in 6:20.  Fine match, and any match that involves Shannon Moore getting hit in the face with a brick is automatically alright by me.  Williams cuts a promo after the match, saying his style is what the X Division should be, as opposed to the flippy floppy guys.  Williams calls Moore a clown and spreads red face paint on his face.  I love Doug Williams now.

Hernandez/Matt Morgan/Beer Money video package, followed by the Tag Lines.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match: Matt Morgan & Hernandez (c) vs. Beer Money.  Morgan and Hernandez are clearly not on the same page.  Morgan starts with Roode, but tags out to Hernandez before any contact is made.  They hop around a bit until Roode drops Hernandez with a forearm.  Morgan tags himself in.  Storm drinks beer at ringside.  Morgan no sells Roode’s offense and goes his sidewalk drop.  He yells at Hernandez, then tags him in.  Beer Money beat on Hernandez.  Hernandez hits a loooooooooong stalling vertical suplex on Storm.  Hernandez tries to tag out, but Morgan refuses.  Hernandez hits another move, then Morgan tags himself in.  Morgan sends Storm face first into the top turnbuckle, poses at Hernandez, does more cocky posturing, and gets poked in the eye.  Beer Money try to get something going, but Morgan drops them both with a cross body.  Morgan tags in Hernandez, who comes in against Roode.  Hernandez hits a big shoulder block and goes for a suicide drive, but Morgan stands in his way.  Storm kicks Hernandez from behind, then Roode hits a blockbuster.  “MORGAN SUCKS!” chant.  Beer Money beat up Hernandez.  Crowd chants “MORGAN BOO, HERNANDEZ YAY!”  Idiots.  Beer Money hits a double superplex on Hernandez.  BEER!  MONEY!  Storm covers for 2.  Hernandez rallies and drops Storm with a springboard shoulder block.  Morgan tags in and beats up Beer Money.  Crowd chants “YOU STILL SUCK!”  Roode counters a chokeslam attempt, but Morgan drops him with a discus lariat.  Morgan tags in the still worn out Hernandez, who immediately hits a suicide dive to Roode on the outside.  Morgan yells at him and throws him back in the ring.  Storm spits beer in Morgan’s face.  Hernandez hits his weird move on Storm for the pin in 11:23.  Morgan comes in and blasts Hernandez with the Carbon Footprint, then holds up both belts.  It worked in context.

Angle/Anderson video package.

Ken Anderson vs. Kurt Angle.  They lock up.  Angle takes Anderson down with a side headlock.  They work the headlock for a few minutes.  Angle invites Anderson to put him in a headlock.  Anderson grabs it, and Angle easily escapes it.  Repeat.  Angle allows it again, and this time backdrop suplexes Anderson, then puts the boots to him.  Angle punches Anderson in the corner, then hits a suplex.  Cover gets, like 1, if that.  Anderson catches Angle with a boot and heads up top, but Angle pushes him to the floor.  Anderson comes back in and hits an armbreaker.  Anderson works Angle over, focusing on the arm.  Anderson sends Angle into the post, then schoolboys him for 2.  Angle fights back with the good arm and hits a belly to belly suplex for 2.  Anderson counters an Angle Slam attempt and hits the Lambeau Leap for 2.  Angle counters the Mic Check and hits the rolling Germans.  Angle hits the Angle Slam for 2.  Anderson hits a low blow and the Mic Check, but Angle kicks out.  Anderson tries to set up a superplex, but Angle fights him off and hits a frog splash for 2.  Anderson arm drags out of an Angle Slam attempt and sends Angle into the referee, which of course kills the referee dead.  Anderson hits the Angle Slam on Angle.  Anderson grabs a chair out of the crowd, throws it down, and grabs Angle’s dog tag.  Angle ducks a punch and hits a German suplex.  Angle holds up the dog tag, then cuts Anderson’s head open with it.  Angle locks in the Angle Lock ’03 for the submission in 17:34.  Good match.  I still think they could do better.  I hope they have a cage match next month.  Angle leaves and Anderson calls for his mic to be dropped down and cuts a promo, despite the fact that he is a bloody mess who just tapped clean in the middle of the ring.

Tenay and Taz talk about the main event.

AJ Styles/Abyss video package.

Christy Hemme interviews the World Champion, AJ Styles.

JB interviews Abyss.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: AJ Styles (c) (w/ Ric Flair & Chelsea) vs. Abyss.  Abyss jumps Styles before JB can finish Styles’ ring introduction.  Abyss throws Styles around.  Styles fires some chops that Abyss doesn’t sell.  Abyss shoulder blocks Styles out onto the stage.  Abyss teases chokeslamming Styles on the stage right in front of Flair.  Styles avoids it and starts fighting back.  Styles runs at Abyss, who belly to belly THROWS Styles across the ring.  Styles dropkicks Abyss’ leg.  Styles sends Abyss to the outside and wipes him out with a gorgeous suicide dive.  While it was pretty, it’s not something your main event heel should be doing.  Flair “WOOOO”s as Styles grabs a chair and wedges it between the top and middle turnbuckles.  Abyss tries to rally, but Styles kicks his leg some more.  Styles works the leg.  Abyss makes a comeback and hits a sidewalk slam for 2.  Styles escapes the Shock Treatment and hits the Pele kick.  Abyss backdrops Styles to the apron.  Styles hits the flying forearm for 2.  Abyss catapults Styles into the chair in the corner.  That looked painful.  Abyss hits the Shock Treatment for 2.  Abyss goes for a superplex, but Styles fights him off and HITS THE SPIRAL TAP!  Cover only gets 2.  “THAT WAS AWESOME!” indeed, TNA mutants.  Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam for 2.  Flair sprays something in the referee’s eyes.  Styles hits Abyss in the balls, then clocks him with the belt.  Hulk Hogan comes out with referee Earl Hebner!  He sends Hebner in to take over the match, then wheels Flair to the back.  Styles hits the springboard 450 splash, but Abyss powers out and hulks up.  Abyss chokeslams Styles THROUGH THE RING!  Hebner stops the match.  It’s a no-contest at 14:54.  Hogan comes out and gives the belt to Abyss, but Hebner takes it away.  Flair wheels himself back out.  Abyss pulls Flair out of his wheelchair, trips in the big hole in the ring.  Chelsea tries to spray something at Abyss, but Hogan redirects it to Flair.  Desmond Wolfe runs it, but Abyss and Flair beat him up.  Wolfe and Flair are sent into the hole in the ring.  Good match up until the fuck finish.  I didn’t notice until they did the finishing spot, but there was a different ring canvas for the main event, because Eric Young’s outline was missing.  Hogan and Abyss celebrate.

Some of this stuff was very pedestrian, but there’s some good stuff in here.

TNA iMPACT! 3/4/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 6, 2010 by Grappleholic

“Last week on iMPACT!” video.

“Never Say Never”

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are our hosts.  They hype the big tag match taking place this coming Monday.

The World Heavyweight Champion AJ Styles and Ric Flair come out, flanked by generic women.  Flair calls out Hulk Hogan, saying they want to apologize and give him a gift.  Hogan and Abyss come out.  Flair wants a peaceful conversation.  He offers Hogan some of the women as a peace offering.  Hogan and Abyss say they’re going to run wild on them on Monday.  Flair says he’s never beat Hogan on national TV, so that’s what he’s aiming for.  Styles rambles a bit, then he and Flair try to leave.  Eric Bischoff comes out and announces that Styles will defend the World title against Abyss, The Pope, and Desmond Wolfe tonight.  Sweet.

Tenay and Taz hype Monday’s tag match again.

Jeremy Borash interviews Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea).  He cuts a funny promo laced with British-isms.  He calls Abyss a “window licker.”  Chelsea wants the Hall of Fame ring.  Wolfe says she’ll get it.

Eric Bischoff is on the phone making fun of the XFL.  Jeff Jarrett comes in talking about the great burgers he made last week.  Bischoff sends him to clean the men’s room.  Jarrett says he’ll be the best janitor ever.

Non-Title, Four-Way Match: The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Generation Me vs. Beer Money vs. TNA World Tag Team Champions Matt Morgan & Hernandez.  Generation Me have now been given the last name “Buck.”  Now if I can just remember which one is which.  Sabin and Jeremy (the lighter haired one) start.  Shelley tags in and the Guns double team Buck.  Max tags in and hits a moonsault to Shelley’s arm.  Jeremy tags back in and hits a diving blow of some sort to Shelley’s arm as well.  Sabin tags in and gets double teamed by the Bucks too.  Sabin overcomes both, then Hernandez tags himself in.  Max tries a cross body, but gets press slammed.  Hernandez sets up for a springboard move, but Morgan tags himself in.  He big boots James Storm, then chokeslams both Bucks.  Roode tags in.  Storm superkicks Morgan, then Roode schoolboys him for the pin in 3:08.  Hernandez is annoyed, and rightfully so.

Bischoff talks to Sean Morley.  He tells him he’s facing Jeff Jarrett in a Falls Count Anywhere Match, but he hasn’t told Jarrett.  Morley and referee Slick Johnson take off to find Jarrett, who is mopping the bathroom.

Four-Way for the title tonight!

Kurt Angle talks to Hogan.  He wants to take care of Flair and Styles for Hogan.  Hogan says no, he has to do it himself.  Angle tells him to be careful.  Alrighty.

They show Mick Foley in etiquette school.  Funny stuff.

Falls Count Anywhere Match: Sean Morley vs. Jeff Jarrett.  Slick “rings the bell” outside the bathroom, then Morley goes in to attack Jarrett.  Morley beats up Jarrett, then covers him for 2.  Jarrett says “What the hell are you doing?”  Slick informs him that he’s in a Falls Count Anywhere match.  Morley abuses Jarrett with the bathroom door, then pins him with a prawn hold in 1:42.  Kinda funny.

Christy Hemme interviews The Pope.  He says he’ll win the title tonight, and he’ll pimp slap Ric Flair if Flair gets in his way.  The four-way is TONIGHT!

Video chronicling the rise and fall of the British Invasion.

Non-Title: TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams vs. TNA Global Champion Rob Terry.  Williams slaps Terry.  Terry shoves him, then press slams him.  Terry applies a bear hug.  Williams bits his way free.  Terry wipes him out with a kick, then goes for the running powerslam.  William counters, then fails at the Chaos Theory.  Terry hits a chokeslam for the pin in 1:04.  Brutus Magnus attacks Terry after the match.  Magnus and Williams beat Terry down.

A trainer is checking on Jeff Jarrett.  Bischoff comes in.  Jarrett yells at him.  Bischoff challenges Jarrett to hit him.  Jarrett’s sick of his crap.  Bischoff calls him picky.  He says Jarrett has a match in the ring tonight.  Jarrett calls him a prick.

Mr. Anderson is dressed like Kurt Angle.

Mick Foley in etiquette school part 2.

Anderson/Angle video package.

Mr. Anderson comes dressed and acting like a retarded Kurt Angle, with Angle’s entrance and music.  He does a parody of an Angle promo.  Kurt Angle comes out and kicks his ass.  Anderson bails, throws water in Angle’s face, the drops the straps on his singlet and Angle slams him.  He slingshots his bald cap into Angle’s face.  Ouch.  Anderson steals Angle’s dog tag again.

Abyss talks to Hogan backstage.  Abyss talks about watching Hogan when he was a child.  He says that he can handle Flair and Styles on his own with the power of the ring.  Hogan says he and Abyss are one and have the same blood.  Huh?  This goes on for a while.  They hug and profess their love for each other.  All righty then.

THE TAG MATCH IS THIS MONDAY!  THAT’S THE MONDAY THAT’S GOING TO BE THE VERY NEXT MONDAY THAT HAPPENS!

Beautiful People/Angelina Love video.  Earlier today, the Beauts jumped Angelina during a photo shoot and beat her down.

Angelina Love comes out and calls out Velvet Sky.  Velvet comes out with the belt she whipped Angelina with earlier.  Angelina goes after Velvet on the ramp.  Velvet tries to run away, but gets her ass kicked.  Angelina gets the belt.  Madison Rayne and Lacey Von Erich run in.  Madison gets whipped, but Lacey hits Love with the ugly stick.  The Beautiful People commence to beating her down.  Velvet whips her again.

Bubba the Love Sponge (I thought he got fired) tells Hogan that he can’t wrestle, or he’ll cripple himself.

Mick Foley in etiquette school, part 3.  The lessons aren’t sinking in very well.

Kevin Nash/Eric Young vs. The Band video.  Nash and Young will have COMMENTS this Monday!  COMMENTS!

Tomko vs. Jeff Jarrett.  Jarrett is back to having no music.  They lock up.  Jarrett fights out of a side headlock, then hits shoulder blocked down.  Tomko works Jarrett’s injured shoulder.  Jarrett rocks Tomko with an enzuigiri, sits on him against the ropes, then gets dropped with a clothesline for 2.  Tomko continues working the shoulder.  Jarrett fights back.  Tomko hits an inverted atomic drop.  Jarrett hits a Jack Brisco roll out of the corner for the pin in 3:54.   Bischoff is displeased because Jarrett won.  I’m displeased because this sucked.

Bischoff also discourages Hogan from wrestling.  Hogan says he’s boxed into this position, even though he did it to himself.

Four-Way Match for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship: AJ Styles (c) (w/ Ric Flair) vs. Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero vs. Abyss.  Pope is wrestling despite being unable to walk from the attack 2 weeks ago.  He and Styles start.  It’s tag team rules.  Styles tries the figure-four.  Pope kicks him away and tags in Abyss.  Styles notices and tags in Wolfe.  Abyss sits on Wolfe, then tries to double chokeslam Wolfe and Styles.  He fails, but hits a sidewalk slam on Wolfe for 2.  Pope and Abyss clothesline Styles and Wolfe out of the ring.  Insta-commercials.  Abyss and Wolfe fight outside while Styles and Pope fight in the ring.  Flair hits Pope’s injured ankle with a chair behind the referee’s back.  You seriously can’t hear that, you fucking useless ref?  Styles locks Pope in the figure-four leglock.  Pope survives it, killing any credibility that this move had left.  The referee stops it to give Styles the win (3:45 shown).  Styles, Wolfe, and Flair beat down Pope.  Abyss makes the save.  Flair attacks Abyss with the barbed wire bat.  They beat down Abyss, but Hulk Hogan comes out to take the save.  He hits Flair with the bat and Flair bleeds like a mofo.  Hogan beats up Flair and some security goons.  Abyss helps.  Styles and Wolfe pull Flair to safety.  Commercials.

Hogan cuts a promo on Flair, who is a bloody mess.  Pope challenges the heels to come back to the ring and fight.  Fin.

Well, the streak of decent Impacts is dead.  This show sucked big floppy donkey dick.