Archive for TNA Global Championship

TNA iMPACT! 4/5/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 6, 2010 by Grappleholic

“Last week on iMPACT!…” video package.

Christy Hemme is in the locker room explaining some convoluted womens’ match they’re doing tonight.  There’s gonna be four keys that unlock four boxes.  In the respective boxes are Poison (Tara’s spider), a contract for a match of their choice, something that will compel a woman to do a striptease, and the Knockouts Title.  Christy interviews the Knockouts Tag Team Champions, The Beautiful People.  Velvet says they’re going to crush the spider.  Lacey wants to do the walk around in her underwear.  She has to win a match for that?

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Hulk Hogan, Abyss, and Jeff Jarrett come out.  Hogan and Abyss cut promos.  Ric Flair is wheeled out by Chelsea.  Sting, Desmond Wolfe, and Beer Money come out with him.  I assume that’s his team for Lockdown.  Flair cuts a typically great promo.  Crazy Ric Flair is awesome.  Hogan says Flair will find out who the rest of Team Hogan is “when the time is right.”  Team Flair heads to the ring.  Jarrett wants to ask Sting a question, “Friend to friend, or is it foe?”  I think it’s pretty fucking obvious he’s a foe when you’re on opposite sides of a blood feud, you fucking moron.  Jarrett asks Sting “Why now?” then slaps him.  Sting slaps him back and drops him with the Scorpion Death Lock.  Wolfe jumps Abyss with Sting’s bat.  Beer Money comes in and they corner Hogan.  Jeff Hardy and Rob Van Dam make the save.  I guess who know who the other two guys on Team Hogan are.  Commericials.

Rob Van Dam vs. James Storm.  JIP.  RVD has the advantage.  He hits a monkey flip out of the corner for 2.  RVD knocks Storm off of the apron with his flying kick, fails a baseball slide dropkick, and gets rammed into the barricade.  Storm hits the DDT OF MURDER! on RVD for 2.  RVD is the first guy I ever remember seeing take that move from Randy Orton.  Storm hits a suplex.  BEER!  Cover gets 2.  Storm clamps on a rear chin lock.  RVD fights out and gets a quick schoolboy for 2.  RVD hits a bunch of his fancy kicks.  RVD hits the Rolling Thunder for 2.  Storm hits an enzuigiri and the Eye of the Storm for 2.  RVD wallops Storm with a kick to the head, then slams him and hits the split legged moonsault for the pin (about 5 1/2 minutes shown).  Not a bad little match.  I fear this is as good as this show is going to get, though.  Storm smashes a beer bottle in RVD’s face.  Guys come out to check on him.  Commercials!

Moments ago, ^ happened.

The guys help RVD as Storm does RVD’s taunt on the ramp.  Jeff Hardy runs out and decks him from behind.  Storm bails.  Hardy checks on RVD.  Robert Roode sneaks in through the crowd and gives Hardy a spinebuster.

Christy Hemme interviews one of the teams in the convoluted women’s match tonight: Knockouts Champion Tara, Angelina Love, ODB, and Hamada.  Tara thinks TNA is doing this to get ratings.  Hah!  Like ANYTHING TNA does is going to get ratings.  Angelina wants the title.  They argue stupidly.  ODB wants the contract so she can wrestle AJ.  Hamada speaks Japanese.  Hemme says “What she said.”  I agree.

TNA Global Championship Match: “The Freak” Rob Terry (c) vs. Homicide.  Holy shit, Homicide is still employed!  Homicide tries, but Terry no sells everything he does and destroys him.  Terry press slams Homicide and otherwise tosses him around.  Homicide fails at building momentum.  Terry hits the over the shoulder powerslam for the pin in 1:57.  Whatever.  Homicide attacks Terry with a chair.  He gives Terry a chair shot RIGHT TO THE FUCKING HEAD, COMPLETELY UNPROTECTED.  Terry no sells it and chokeslams Homicide.  Terry is bleeding.  Orlando Jordan appears on the stage and shoots white cream all over himself.  … the fuck?  I saw this segment during the live airing and went on quite a tirade about it, but I’ve lost some of my venom since then.

Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle in a Ladder Match is still to come!  The stupid Knockouts match is NEXT!

The Beautiful People are getting ready.

Lock Box Showdown Elimination Match: TNA Knockouts Champion Tara, Angelina Love, ODB, & Hamada vs. TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions Velvet Sky & Madison Rayne, Lacey Von Erich, & Daffney.  They do some shit.  Who cares?  Rayne puts Tara in a head scissors and humps the mat.  Tara gives her the Window’s Peak for the pin at 1:13, so they’re both eliminated and Tara gets a key.  Daffney attacks somebody.  Insta-commercials.  ODB fights Velvet.  Daffney pinned Hamada after a failed moonsault during the break.  ODB hits a fall away slam on Velvet, nips up, and covers for 2.  Velvet pins ODB after a DDT to win key #3.  Angelina beats up Lacey.  Lacey fails the moonsault elbow drop.  Love hits a Flatliner for the pin (4:28 shown).  Tara, Daffney, Velvet, and Love win.  It doesn’t make sense to me either.  I give this whole concept -***** and I don’t even give star ratings.

They show the locked boxes in the back, except they’re all unlocked.  They’ll be (presumably) re locked and unlocked again later.

Angle/Anderson video package.

Ladder Match: Ken Anderson vs. Kurt Angle.  The prize is the key to the cage at Lockdown.  What is it with all of the fucking keys tonight?  Entrances, insta-commercials.  The match starts with Angle immediately going for the Angle Slam.  Anderson counters.  Anderson brings in a ladder and suplexes Angle onto it.  Angle belly to belly suplexes Anderson onto the ladder.  The ladder gets set up.  Angle gets whipped, ducks under it, and gets it thrown in his face.  Anderson goes for the key.  Angle hits the Angle Slam off of the ladder.  Angle throws Anderson out of the ring and goes for the key.  He climbs too slow.  Anderson comes back in and pushes the ladder over.  Angle takes a bump out of the ring.  Crowd chants “HOLY SHIT!” and they bleep it.  Anderson slowly climbs the ladder.  Angle climbs to the top rope and dropkicks the ladder over.  Angle lays out Anderson out the ladder, pounds his face in, goes up top, and hits a MOONSAULT onto Anderson ON THE LADDER!  Angle climbs the ladder.  Anderson steals the dog tag again and chokes Angle with it.  Angle still manages to touch the big wooden plank attached to the key, but finally passes out.  Anderson climbs up and grabs the key to win it in 9:11.  Actually a good match, but unnecessary.  Anderson says he’s going to drink some bubbly to celebrate his victory at Lockdown, because he just secured it.  He’s going to party by himself.

Jeremy Borash interviews Hulk Hogan.  JB asks him about Eric Bischoff.  Hogan says his business with Eric is private.  Bubba the Love Sponge comes up to talk to Hogan.  I wish that fuck would fuck off and fucking die.  He leaves.  Jay Lethal comes up to talk to Hogan and silliness ensues.

The Band shows up and meets Bubba.  Fuck that guy.

Later tonight, the unlocked boxes will be locked and unlocked again!

Christy Hemme interviews the TNA World Tag Team Champions Matt Morgan.  Seriously.  He’s champions by himself now.  Christy is confused.  That’s not a new sensation for her.

TNA World Tag Team Championship #1 Contenders Match: The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Team 3D.  They wrestled to a double pin on Xplosion last week.  Sabin and Ray start.  Ray wrings Sabin’s arm and Sabin does his flippy stuff to escape.  He wrings Bubba’s arm, and Bubba does Sabin’s flippy stuff to escape.  Sabin throws some kicks.  Bubba mows him down with a boot.  Sabin hits a NICE springboard cross body for 2.  Shelley tags in.  Guns double kick Bubba.  Bubba chops Shelley down.  Devon tags in and beats up Shelley.  Shelley catches Devon with a knee and makes the tag.  Sabin hits 3D with elbow smashes.  Sabin drops 3D with a double dropkick.  Sabin ducks Bubba, who accidentally clotheslines Devon.  Sabin hits an enzuigiri to drop Bubba.  Guns double team Devon.  The cross body/neckbreaker combo gets 2.  3D hit the WASSUP  on Sabin.  “GET THE TABLES!”  Why do they do that in every match?  You’ll be DQ’d, morons.  Devon sets up a table on the outside.  The Band comes out and jumps 3D to cause the DQ in 4:03.  Really fun little match while it lasted.  Syxx-Pac hits the X Factor on Bubba.  Hall hits the Razor’s Edge on Sabin.  Nash teases powerbomb Shelley, then just clotheslines him.  Can Nash even do a powerbomb anymore?  Pac spray paints Shelley’s back, then pounds on Bubba some more.  Commercials.

The Band is still in the ring.  Bubba the worthless fuck comes out to join them.  Nash says they might not be signing the checks, but they’re running the show.  Nash cuts a promo on Hogan.  They learned how to be bad from him, etc. etc.  The Wolfpac rip off theme plays.

JB interviews The Pope.  Desmond Wolfe interrupts “The Poop.”  That’s what it sounded like he said, anyway.  Wolfe says he should be getting the title shot.  He could pull double duty at Lockdown.  Pope says Wolfe can have the title shot if he beats him tonight.

Tara is stressing about the key.

TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams comes out.  Crowd chants “USA!”  Williams talks about the flippy floppy guys in the X Division.  He wants to called Douglas Williams from now on.  He’s going to face Generation Me in a Gauntlet Match tonight.

Non-Title: TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams vs. Jeremy Buck.  Jeremy gets a near fall with a moonsault body block.  Jeremy hits a slingshot X Factor for 2.  Williams avoids another moonsault and hits the Chaos Theory for the pin in 1:22.

Non-Title: TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams vs. Max Buck.  Max hits a slingshot clothesline into the ring, does some flippy stuff, and gets 2 off of a dropkick.  Max keeps the pressure on and hits a leg drop for 2.  Max goes up top.  Williams cuts him off and locks in a guillotine for the submission win in 1:17.  He refuses to break the hold.  Shannon Moore makes the save and tries to put makeup on Williams.  Williams bails.  Moore calls Williams a boring ass wrestler.  Fuck him.  He wants a title shot at Lockdown.  Ugh.

Angelina Love has a key.

House Show plugs.

Christy Hemme interviews Team 3D.  Bubba is like “WTF man?”  Bubba challenges “the Wolfpac” to a match next week.  Devon says they’ll kick their asses.

Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  Wolfe gets a jobber entrance.  He meets Pope on the stage and they brawl.  Pope throws Wolfe into the ring, takes his entrance gear off, and gets jumped trying to get into the ring.  Pope fights back.  Crowd chants “POPE IS PIMPIN’!”  Wolfe hits the Divorce Court and goes for the Tower of London.  Pope counters.  Pope drops his knee pads and hits a Codebreaker(!) for the pin in 2:04.  Too short to amount to anything.  The World Champion AJ Styles jumps Pope, kicks his ass, and gives him the Styles Clash.  Abyss comes out.  Styles bails.  Wolfe jumps Abyss and gets his ass kicked.  Styles clips Abyss’ leg.  Styles taunts Pope.  Wolfe hits Abyss with a fire extinguisher.

Tenay and Taz talk about how Team Flair has picked off Team Hogan.

JB is on stage with the locked boxes and chicks who won keys.  Velvet Sky wins the open contract.  Tara wins her spider.  She’s happy, then realizes that means she lost the title.  Angelina wins the Knockouts Title and Daffney has to strip.  JB tells Daffney she has to do the striptease or be fired.  They play stripper music.  Daffney walks to the ring looking nothing at all like a chick I want to see strip.  She takes off her hat and collar.  She lowers hear straps a little bit.  Lacey Von Erich runs out, whacks Daffney with the ugly stick, and starts to do the strip tease.  Tara and Angelina start brawling over the title.  Lacey just prances around while Tara and Angelina roll around the mat.  Velvet says next week, she’s using her contract to face Angelina in a Leather & Lace Match.  Tara and Love go after Lacey.  Security holds them back.  The show ends.

Seriously, fuck this show.

TNA iMPACT! 3/22/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 27, 2010 by Grappleholic

The show opens with Eric Bischoff in the ring playing guitar.  The fuck?  He calls out Jeff Jarrett because he wants Jarrett to play the guitar.  Jarrett says Bischoff isn’t going to humiliate him anymore.  Bischoff says Jarrett has no guts, or whatever.  Jarrett takes the guitar, puts it down, and leaves.  Bischoff talks about him having “no stones” again.  Jarrett comes back and CLOBBERS Bischoff with the guitar!  YES!

Jarrett comes backstage and hugs Mick Foley.  Jarrett says that felt good.

Moments ago, ^ happened.

Bischoff finally struggles to his feet and books Jeff Jarrett vs. Mick Foley for tonight, with the loser getting fired and winner being Bischoff’s bitch.

Foley and Jarrett are pissed backstage.

Mike Tenay and Taz are our announcers.

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions The Beautiful People, Lacey Von Erich, & Daffney vs. TNA Knockouts Champion Tara, Angelina Love, Taylor Wilde, & Sarita.  After the heels’ entrances, Tara comes out and begs Daffney not to hurt her spider.  The heels jump Tara, but her partners make the save.  Insta-commercials, JIP.  Lots of quick tags and some decent exchanges.  The bad girls get heat on Tara.  Daffney taunts Tara with her spider.  Love tags in and hits a Flatliner on Daffney.  Velvet hits a DDT on Love.  Wilde gets a Northern Lights suplex hold on Rayne.  Who the fuck is legal?  Sarita hits a sit-out powerbomb on Rayne.  Lacey hits a chokeslam on Sarita.  Tara hits the Widow’s Peak on Lacey, then goes to retrieve her spider.  Daffney hits a swank spinning fisherman’s neckbreaker (the Lobotomy) for the pin.  Total clusterfuck.

AJ Styles and Ric Flair arrive, all banged up.  Flair is still in the wheelchair and Styles is on a crutch and has his arm in a sling.

Still to come, Jarrett vs. Foley.  Hulk Hogan makes an announcement about Lockdown NEXT!

Styles and Flair are hobbling/wheeling in backstage.

Destination X highlight package.

Hulk Hogan and Abyss come out.  Hogan talks for a while, then announces that Abyss will be the captain of Team Hogan at Lockdown.  Abyss talks for a while.  Ric Flair (wheeled by Chelsea) and AJ Styles come out and yell.  Flair says the captain of Team Flair will be Sting.  The lights go out.  Sting appears sitting on a top turnbuckle.  Styles whacks Abyss with his crutch.  Hogan is magically handcuffed to the ropes.  Sting leaves as Styles puts the boots to Abyss.  D’Angelo Dinero makes the save and hits the Elijah Express on Styles, when unlocks Hogan’s cuffs.  Hogan pushes Flair’s wheelchair down the ramp and Abyss clotheslines Flair.  Those dicks.  This was stupid.

Jeff Hardy, Rob Van Dam, and Shannon Moore arrive.  Christy Hemme talks to them.

TNA Global Championship Match: Rob Terry (c) vs. Tomko.  Terry no sells everything and kills Tomko.  Terry hits the World’s Strongest Slam, the spin kick, and the chokeslam/spinebuster for the pin in 1:02.  Whatever.

They show Foley shaving Bischoff’s head and Jarrett whacking him with the guitar.

Foley and Jarrett will meet NEXT!  Beer Money are going to be the special guest referees!

Foley & Jarrett/Bischoff video package.

Jeremy Borash interviews Mick Foley and Jeff Jarrett.

Loser Is Fired: Mick Foley vs. Jeff Jarrett.  Beer Money are the special guest referees.  They lock up and break.  They lock up again.  Foley backs Jarrett into the corner and Storm forces a break.  Storm is the inside referee while Roode is on the outside.  Foley hits an elbow smash for 2.  Jarrett gets a sunset flip for 2.  FOLEY DOES A BACKSLIDE.  Now I’ve seen everything.  They counter each other’s finishers.  Roode trips Jarrett.  Foley and Jarrett fight outside.  Bischoff comes out to the announce table.  Insta-commercials.  Jarrett and Foley brawl on the stage.  Jarrett suplexes Foley on the stage, which actually holds up this week.  They go at it back in the ring.  Jarrett drops Foley with a punch for a 2 count.  Beer Money have switched places now, with Roode being in the ring and Storm being outside.  If it matters.  It doesn’t.  Jarrett hits a DDT for 2.  Jarrett brings in a chair.  Foley boots him in the gut and hits the double arm DDT for 2, as Jarrett gets his foot on the bottom rope.  Foley pulls out the sock and clamps on the Mandible Claw.  Roode doesn’t something I missed.  Foley turns it into a Mandible Claw body scissors or something.  Jarrett gets free and hits the Stroke onto the chair for the pin (8:02 shown).  Pretty good match.  Jarrett is upset at getting his friend fired, but Foley raises Jarrett’s hand.  Jarrett returns the gesture and they shake hands.  Bischoff tells Beer Money to beat up Jarrett, and they oblige.  They wedge a chair between the top and middle turnbuckles and ram Jarrett into it.  Jeff Hardy and Rob Van Dam run in and chase of Beer Money.  RVD takes the mic and challenges Beer Money to a match tonight.  They accept.

Moments ago, ^ happened.

They show Mick Foley saying his goodbyes as he leaves.  Bubba the Love Sponge is back.  FUCK.  Even the Impact Zone mutants boo him.  Foley doesn’t want to talk to him.  Bubba insults him, so Foley fucking decks him.  YES!  ***** segment.  Foley says “BANG BANG!” and leaves.  That makes my day.

Bischoff talks to Hogan backstage.  They discuss their various personal issues.  Hogan tells Bischoff do drop the personal vendetta against Jeff Jarrett.  Bischoff agrees, asks Hogan if he set up the RVD and Hardy deal, says “nevermind,” and leaves.

Christy Hemme interviews Beer Money.  They meet RVD & Jeff Hardy TONIGHT!

Up NEXT, the battle of Tag champions!

House show plugs!

JB interviews Rob Van Dam and Jeff Hardy.

Morgan/Hernandez video package.

TNA World Tag Team Champion Matt Morgan vs. TNA World Tag Team Champion Hernandez.  Hernandez jumps Morgan in the aisle and kicks his ass.  Morgan begs off, but Hernandez doesn’t buy it and keeps kicking his ass.  He does the shirt throw thingy, a Stinger Splash, and a spinebuster.  Hernandez charges Morgan in the corner again, but Morgan backdrops Hernandez out of the ring.  They brawl on the floor, but Hernandez accidentally hits the post.  Morgan hits the Carbon Footprint and sandwiches Hernandez’s head into the post.  Fucking OUCH.  It’s a no contest in about 3 1/2 minutes as referee Slick Johnson calls for medics.  Insta-commercials.

They stretcher Hernandez out.  Homicide makes his first appearance in weeks as he comes out to check on his former partner that he turned on months ago.  They put Hernandez in an ambulance.  Hogan tells somebody to call Hernandez’s wife.  Taz and Tenay talk about what happened.

They show what happened with The Band and Eric Young at Destination X.

Beer Money vs. Rob Van Dam & Jeff Hardy.  Storm and Hardy start.  Hardy backdrops Storm out of the ring and onto Roode, then gets a ladder and sets it up between the apron and the barricade.  Insta-commercials.  Rob Van Dam hits an apron leg drop on Roode.  Insta-commercials.  Seriously.  I hate those.  RVD hits a moonsault body block on Roode for 2.  Tag to Storm.  RVD wipes him out with a kick and tags in Hardy.  Hardy hits his legs spread leg drop and a front suplex on Storm for 2, as Roode saves.  RVD comes in and takes Roode out.  Hardy goes up top, but Roode trips him.  Beer Money gets heat on Hardy.  Taz gets in his weekly “Vintage” jab.  Roode hits a BIG spinebuster for 2.  Beer Money continues to beat up Hardy while taunting Van Dam.  Hardy hits the Whisper In The Wind on Storm.  Roode and RVD get the tags.  RVD runs wild.  RVD monkey flips Roode and hits his diving kick for 2.  Storm saves.  RVD kicks Storm in the head, slams him, and hits the split legged moonsault.  He’s not the legal man, Rob!  Roode nails RVD with a clothesline.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Beer Money hits a double suplex on Hardy.  Beer Money hit their AWESOME catapult into a DDT on RVD.  Roode covers for 2.  Roode goes for the Payoff on Hardy, but Hardy counters and hits the Twist of Fate.  Hardy takes his shirt off, then Roode pulls him out of the ring.  Hardy slides under the ladder, then sends it into Storm.  RVD hits the Rolling Thunder on Roode.  Hardy hits the Swanton Bomb and Van Dam follows with the Five Star Frog Splash on Roode for the pin (10:52 shown).  Really good tag match.

As RVD and Hardy celebrate, Eric Young comes in through the crowd and says that next week, it’ll be The Band vs. Young, RVD, & Hardy.  They all hold hands in the middle of the ring as the show closes.  I jest.  Kind of.

Better show than Raw this week, I thought.

TNA Destination X 2010

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 27, 2010 by Grappleholic

Opening video package.

TNA Wrestling presents… Destination X!  Pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Four-Way Ladder Match to determine the #1 Contender for the TNA X Division Championship: Brian Kendrick vs. Amazing Red vs. Daniels vs. Kazarian.  Typically great flippy spottyness.  Red takes out Daniels and Kazarian with an awesome spinning dive to the outside.  Kendrick brings in a ladder and goes for the prize, but Kazarian cuts him off.  Everybody cuts everybody else off from climbing the ladder.  Red slides under the ladder and dropkicks it into Daniels, then tries to climb.  Kendrick cuts him off and tries to climb.  Red returns the favor and cuts Kendrick off.  Kendrick slingshots Kazarian onto the ladder from the apron.  Daniels drops Kendrick with an STO.  Daniels does the Terry Funk spinning ladder spot until Red hits him with a drop toe hold.  Kendrick sets up a ladder bridge between the apron and the barricade.  Kazarian front suplexes him onto it.  Daniels lays out Kazarian on the ladder and hits the Arabian press onto him.  Red hits a swank springboard rana off of the ladder bridge onto Daniels.  “HOLY SHIT!” chants.  “THIS IS AWESOME!” chants.  Kazarian and Red fight on top of the ladder.  Kendrick tries to do something to them and gets pie faces off.  Kazarian teases the Flux Capacitor on Red, but Kendrick pushes the ladder over to prevent that awesomeness from occurring.  Daniels sends Kazarian painfully into the ladder.  More painful looking ladder spots follow.  Awesome spot with Red ducking the ladder Matrix-style and kicking it into Kazarian’s face.  Daniels turns Red inside out with a lariat.  Daniels tries to suplex Kazarian onto a ladder, but Kendrick nails them both with another ladder, then tries to climb.  Kazarian cuts him off.  Daniels backdrops Kazarian into the ladder bridged in the corner.  Kendrick tries to climb the vertical ladder, but Daniels cuts him off and climbs himself.  Kazarian powerbombs Daniels into the corner ladder.  Ouch.  Kazarian and Kendrick fight on top of the ladder.  Kendrick brings Kazarian down face first.  Double ouch.  Red and Kendrick fight.  Kendrick backdrops Red out of the ring.  Kazarian and Kedrick fight.  Kazarian counters a Sliced Bread #2 attempt and hits an STO.  Kazarian catches Red with a springboard Ace Crusher.  Ouch.  Kendrick hits the Sliced Bread #2 on Kazarian.  Daniels hits a Death Valley Driver on Kendrick.  Red hits Daniels with a palm strike and sets up another ladder.  They fight as they climb up.  Daniels hits a Rock Bottom off of the ladder.  Daniels traps Red under the ladder.  Daniels and Kendrick climb up.  Kazarian springboards to the ladder, knocks Kendrick off, and suplexes Daniels off the ladder.  Kazarian fights Kendrick off again and grabs the contract hanging above the ring for the win in 13:42.  Really fun opening spot fest.  Kazarian celebrates and they show highlights.

Tenay and Taz talk about the main event.  Ric Flair’s music interrupts.

Chelsea wheels Ric Flair out in a wheel chair.  Flair cuts a typical Flair ranting promo, then has Chelsea wheel him to the back.  Alrighty.

Hulk Hogan talks to Abyss backstage.  The picture randomly goes black for a second.  Eric Bischoff walks in as Abyss leaves.  Bischoff is pissed about having his head shaved.  Abyss and Hogan think it’s funny.  Hogan tells Bischoff to focus on business instead of personal issues.

Knockouts Tale of the Tape.

TNA Knockouts Championship Match: Tara (c) vs. Daffney.  They start brawling immediately.  Tara slams Daffney and hits the standing moonsault for 2 (might have been 1, I can’t pay extreme close attention and type at the same time).  Daffney hits some painful looking stomps to Tara’s back, then kicks her in the leg, then covers for 2.  Tara rallies against the assault and locks in the Tarantula.  Daffney keeps the heat on Tara with repeated snapmares.  Cover gets 2.  Daffney rocks some weird submission holds.  Tara makes her comeback and rocks Daffney with an enzuigiri.  Tara hits a spinebuster for a very close 2.  Daffney hits a Northern Lights suplex hold for 2.  Tara hits a spinning side slam for 2.  Daffney hits a Codebreaker-style knee to the face for 2, screams, and throws Tara outside.  Daffney rams Tara into the barricade.  Back inside, Daffney tries to use the belt as a weapon.  Tara avoids it and hits the Widow’s Peak for the pin in 6:43.  Fine match.  Tara hugs some fans.  Tara comes back into the ring to find that Daffney has stolen her spider.  Tara chases her.

Christy Hemme interviews Brutus Magnus, who says his name is now just “Magnus.”  The Magnus formerly known as Brutus cuts a promo on Rob Terry.

TNA Global Championship Match: Rob Terry (c) vs. Magnus.  They lock up.  Terry kicks Magnus’ ass.  Magnus gets a little bit of offense rolling, but Terry hits the World’s Strongest Slam.  Magnus fights some more, but Terry drops him with a swank kick and a spinebuster for the pin in 1:24.  Whatever.

Ultimate X video package.

Christy Hemme interviews the Motor City Machine Guns.  The video randomly blacks out for a second again.

Tenay and Taz talk as the ring crew put the finishing touches on the Ultimate X structure.

Ultimate X Match to determine the #1 Contenders for the TNA World Tag Team Championship: Generation Me vs. The Motor City Machine Guns.  Super fast start, including the do si do spot.  Really great stuff, but they’re moving way faster than I can type!  Double teaming on both sides.  Shelley holds the Bucks down with a double submission hold to give Sabin a chance to climb up, but he fails.  Annoying dueling chants.  Sabin takes out Max with a sweet dive to the outside.  Jeremy goes for the X, but Sabin cuts him off.  Guns double team Jeremy, but he fights them off.  Jeremy goes for the X again.  Guns cut him off and double team him again.  Much awesomeness.  Max hits a big missile dropkick to the guns, then hits then with a baseball slide dropkick through the ropes.  Jeremy wipes the Guns out with a dive.  Awesome.  “TNA!” chants.  Max goes for the X.  Sabin fails at cutting him off.  Shelley succeeds, then fails at the Shiranui.  Bucks double team Shelley.  Jeremy hits a sick springboard X factor on Sabin, then hits another suicide dive on Shelley.  Another “HOLY SHIT!” chant, followed by an “X DIVISION!” chant.  Jeremy climbs the structure and goes for the X as Max stands guard.  Sabin drops Max and uses him as a springboard to take Jeremy down.  A succession of awesome moves follows.  “THIS IS AWESOME!” chant.  All 4 guys go for the prize and all end up dropping.  Bucks land a series of superkicks to the guns.  Max powerbombs Shelley into Jeremy’s knees.  More crazy awesomeness.  Guns hit the Made In Detroit on Max.  Sabin and Jeremy go for the prize.  Sabin kicks Jeremy down and grabs the big red X for the win at 12:03.  Awesome match.

Nash & Young vs. The Band video package.

Jeremy Borash interviews Syxx-Pac and Scott Hall, who is finally wearing wrestling gear.  They then go to the ring with no music.  Hall goes old school with his pre-match promo, doing the survey thing.

Scott Hall & Syxx-Pac vs. Kevin Nash & Eric Young.  Hall and Pac have to win to get contracts, or lose and leave “forever.”  Young and Pac start with a very aggressive lock up.  Young hits a Lou Thesz press and otherwise beats up Waltman.  Hall decks Young from the apron.  Young nails Hall, but eats a spin kick from Waltman for 2.  Hall tags in to a big pop.  Hall hits a fall away slam on Young for 2.  Waltman tags in and battles Young some more.  Waltman throws Young out of the ring and hits a nice dive.  It would have been more impressive if we hadn’t already see a hundred crazy dives already on this show.  Young drives Waltman’s balls into the post.  Hall decks Young to give Waltman time to recover.  Hall tags in and locks Young in a sleeper hold.  Young fights out and makes the tag to Nash… but the referee missed it.  Waltman grabs some spray paint from under the ring and sprays it in Young’s face.  Young tries to fight while blinded.  He makes the tag to Nash.  Nash powerbombs Young!  Nash puts Young in the corner, then tags him in.  Waltman hits the X Factor.  Hall hits the Razor’s Edge.  Waltman pins Young in 7:56.  The match was okay in points, but nothing especially good.  Waltman spray paints the outline of Young’s body on the mat.  THE WOLFPAC THEME PLAYS!  Oh, it’s a cheap knockoff.  Boo.

JB interviews Kurt Angle.  Angle tells him to leave because he doesn’t like guys who hold mics anymore.  Angle holds up his medal, then burns a picture of Mr. Anderson.

TNA X Division Championship Match: Doug Williams (c) vs. Shannon Moore.  They have a good wrestling exchange on top of the spray paint outline.  Good back and forth action.  Moore hits a nice diving rana for 2.  Williams chokes Moore with his boot.  Just choke him a little longer and harder, Doug.  Williams hits a knee lift for 2.  Williams hits a gutwrench suplex and goes for the Chaos Theory, fails, and hits a running knee in the corner.  They fight back and forth.  Moore gets some offense rolling.  Moore hits a Whisper In the Wind.  Williams bails.  Moore hits a baseball slide dropkick, then a moonsault from the top rope to the outside.  Williams grabs a brick from under the ring and nails Moore with it behind the referee’s back.  Williams gets the pin in 6:20.  Fine match, and any match that involves Shannon Moore getting hit in the face with a brick is automatically alright by me.  Williams cuts a promo after the match, saying his style is what the X Division should be, as opposed to the flippy floppy guys.  Williams calls Moore a clown and spreads red face paint on his face.  I love Doug Williams now.

Hernandez/Matt Morgan/Beer Money video package, followed by the Tag Lines.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match: Matt Morgan & Hernandez (c) vs. Beer Money.  Morgan and Hernandez are clearly not on the same page.  Morgan starts with Roode, but tags out to Hernandez before any contact is made.  They hop around a bit until Roode drops Hernandez with a forearm.  Morgan tags himself in.  Storm drinks beer at ringside.  Morgan no sells Roode’s offense and goes his sidewalk drop.  He yells at Hernandez, then tags him in.  Beer Money beat on Hernandez.  Hernandez hits a loooooooooong stalling vertical suplex on Storm.  Hernandez tries to tag out, but Morgan refuses.  Hernandez hits another move, then Morgan tags himself in.  Morgan sends Storm face first into the top turnbuckle, poses at Hernandez, does more cocky posturing, and gets poked in the eye.  Beer Money try to get something going, but Morgan drops them both with a cross body.  Morgan tags in Hernandez, who comes in against Roode.  Hernandez hits a big shoulder block and goes for a suicide drive, but Morgan stands in his way.  Storm kicks Hernandez from behind, then Roode hits a blockbuster.  “MORGAN SUCKS!” chant.  Beer Money beat up Hernandez.  Crowd chants “MORGAN BOO, HERNANDEZ YAY!”  Idiots.  Beer Money hits a double superplex on Hernandez.  BEER!  MONEY!  Storm covers for 2.  Hernandez rallies and drops Storm with a springboard shoulder block.  Morgan tags in and beats up Beer Money.  Crowd chants “YOU STILL SUCK!”  Roode counters a chokeslam attempt, but Morgan drops him with a discus lariat.  Morgan tags in the still worn out Hernandez, who immediately hits a suicide dive to Roode on the outside.  Morgan yells at him and throws him back in the ring.  Storm spits beer in Morgan’s face.  Hernandez hits his weird move on Storm for the pin in 11:23.  Morgan comes in and blasts Hernandez with the Carbon Footprint, then holds up both belts.  It worked in context.

Angle/Anderson video package.

Ken Anderson vs. Kurt Angle.  They lock up.  Angle takes Anderson down with a side headlock.  They work the headlock for a few minutes.  Angle invites Anderson to put him in a headlock.  Anderson grabs it, and Angle easily escapes it.  Repeat.  Angle allows it again, and this time backdrop suplexes Anderson, then puts the boots to him.  Angle punches Anderson in the corner, then hits a suplex.  Cover gets, like 1, if that.  Anderson catches Angle with a boot and heads up top, but Angle pushes him to the floor.  Anderson comes back in and hits an armbreaker.  Anderson works Angle over, focusing on the arm.  Anderson sends Angle into the post, then schoolboys him for 2.  Angle fights back with the good arm and hits a belly to belly suplex for 2.  Anderson counters an Angle Slam attempt and hits the Lambeau Leap for 2.  Angle counters the Mic Check and hits the rolling Germans.  Angle hits the Angle Slam for 2.  Anderson hits a low blow and the Mic Check, but Angle kicks out.  Anderson tries to set up a superplex, but Angle fights him off and hits a frog splash for 2.  Anderson arm drags out of an Angle Slam attempt and sends Angle into the referee, which of course kills the referee dead.  Anderson hits the Angle Slam on Angle.  Anderson grabs a chair out of the crowd, throws it down, and grabs Angle’s dog tag.  Angle ducks a punch and hits a German suplex.  Angle holds up the dog tag, then cuts Anderson’s head open with it.  Angle locks in the Angle Lock ’03 for the submission in 17:34.  Good match.  I still think they could do better.  I hope they have a cage match next month.  Angle leaves and Anderson calls for his mic to be dropped down and cuts a promo, despite the fact that he is a bloody mess who just tapped clean in the middle of the ring.

Tenay and Taz talk about the main event.

AJ Styles/Abyss video package.

Christy Hemme interviews the World Champion, AJ Styles.

JB interviews Abyss.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: AJ Styles (c) (w/ Ric Flair & Chelsea) vs. Abyss.  Abyss jumps Styles before JB can finish Styles’ ring introduction.  Abyss throws Styles around.  Styles fires some chops that Abyss doesn’t sell.  Abyss shoulder blocks Styles out onto the stage.  Abyss teases chokeslamming Styles on the stage right in front of Flair.  Styles avoids it and starts fighting back.  Styles runs at Abyss, who belly to belly THROWS Styles across the ring.  Styles dropkicks Abyss’ leg.  Styles sends Abyss to the outside and wipes him out with a gorgeous suicide dive.  While it was pretty, it’s not something your main event heel should be doing.  Flair “WOOOO”s as Styles grabs a chair and wedges it between the top and middle turnbuckles.  Abyss tries to rally, but Styles kicks his leg some more.  Styles works the leg.  Abyss makes a comeback and hits a sidewalk slam for 2.  Styles escapes the Shock Treatment and hits the Pele kick.  Abyss backdrops Styles to the apron.  Styles hits the flying forearm for 2.  Abyss catapults Styles into the chair in the corner.  That looked painful.  Abyss hits the Shock Treatment for 2.  Abyss goes for a superplex, but Styles fights him off and HITS THE SPIRAL TAP!  Cover only gets 2.  “THAT WAS AWESOME!” indeed, TNA mutants.  Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam for 2.  Flair sprays something in the referee’s eyes.  Styles hits Abyss in the balls, then clocks him with the belt.  Hulk Hogan comes out with referee Earl Hebner!  He sends Hebner in to take over the match, then wheels Flair to the back.  Styles hits the springboard 450 splash, but Abyss powers out and hulks up.  Abyss chokeslams Styles THROUGH THE RING!  Hebner stops the match.  It’s a no-contest at 14:54.  Hogan comes out and gives the belt to Abyss, but Hebner takes it away.  Flair wheels himself back out.  Abyss pulls Flair out of his wheelchair, trips in the big hole in the ring.  Chelsea tries to spray something at Abyss, but Hogan redirects it to Flair.  Desmond Wolfe runs it, but Abyss and Flair beat him up.  Wolfe and Flair are sent into the hole in the ring.  Good match up until the fuck finish.  I didn’t notice until they did the finishing spot, but there was a different ring canvas for the main event, because Eric Young’s outline was missing.  Hogan and Abyss celebrate.

Some of this stuff was very pedestrian, but there’s some good stuff in here.

TNA iMPACT! 3/4/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 6, 2010 by Grappleholic

“Last week on iMPACT!” video.

“Never Say Never”

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are our hosts.  They hype the big tag match taking place this coming Monday.

The World Heavyweight Champion AJ Styles and Ric Flair come out, flanked by generic women.  Flair calls out Hulk Hogan, saying they want to apologize and give him a gift.  Hogan and Abyss come out.  Flair wants a peaceful conversation.  He offers Hogan some of the women as a peace offering.  Hogan and Abyss say they’re going to run wild on them on Monday.  Flair says he’s never beat Hogan on national TV, so that’s what he’s aiming for.  Styles rambles a bit, then he and Flair try to leave.  Eric Bischoff comes out and announces that Styles will defend the World title against Abyss, The Pope, and Desmond Wolfe tonight.  Sweet.

Tenay and Taz hype Monday’s tag match again.

Jeremy Borash interviews Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea).  He cuts a funny promo laced with British-isms.  He calls Abyss a “window licker.”  Chelsea wants the Hall of Fame ring.  Wolfe says she’ll get it.

Eric Bischoff is on the phone making fun of the XFL.  Jeff Jarrett comes in talking about the great burgers he made last week.  Bischoff sends him to clean the men’s room.  Jarrett says he’ll be the best janitor ever.

Non-Title, Four-Way Match: The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Generation Me vs. Beer Money vs. TNA World Tag Team Champions Matt Morgan & Hernandez.  Generation Me have now been given the last name “Buck.”  Now if I can just remember which one is which.  Sabin and Jeremy (the lighter haired one) start.  Shelley tags in and the Guns double team Buck.  Max tags in and hits a moonsault to Shelley’s arm.  Jeremy tags back in and hits a diving blow of some sort to Shelley’s arm as well.  Sabin tags in and gets double teamed by the Bucks too.  Sabin overcomes both, then Hernandez tags himself in.  Max tries a cross body, but gets press slammed.  Hernandez sets up for a springboard move, but Morgan tags himself in.  He big boots James Storm, then chokeslams both Bucks.  Roode tags in.  Storm superkicks Morgan, then Roode schoolboys him for the pin in 3:08.  Hernandez is annoyed, and rightfully so.

Bischoff talks to Sean Morley.  He tells him he’s facing Jeff Jarrett in a Falls Count Anywhere Match, but he hasn’t told Jarrett.  Morley and referee Slick Johnson take off to find Jarrett, who is mopping the bathroom.

Four-Way for the title tonight!

Kurt Angle talks to Hogan.  He wants to take care of Flair and Styles for Hogan.  Hogan says no, he has to do it himself.  Angle tells him to be careful.  Alrighty.

They show Mick Foley in etiquette school.  Funny stuff.

Falls Count Anywhere Match: Sean Morley vs. Jeff Jarrett.  Slick “rings the bell” outside the bathroom, then Morley goes in to attack Jarrett.  Morley beats up Jarrett, then covers him for 2.  Jarrett says “What the hell are you doing?”  Slick informs him that he’s in a Falls Count Anywhere match.  Morley abuses Jarrett with the bathroom door, then pins him with a prawn hold in 1:42.  Kinda funny.

Christy Hemme interviews The Pope.  He says he’ll win the title tonight, and he’ll pimp slap Ric Flair if Flair gets in his way.  The four-way is TONIGHT!

Video chronicling the rise and fall of the British Invasion.

Non-Title: TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams vs. TNA Global Champion Rob Terry.  Williams slaps Terry.  Terry shoves him, then press slams him.  Terry applies a bear hug.  Williams bits his way free.  Terry wipes him out with a kick, then goes for the running powerslam.  William counters, then fails at the Chaos Theory.  Terry hits a chokeslam for the pin in 1:04.  Brutus Magnus attacks Terry after the match.  Magnus and Williams beat Terry down.

A trainer is checking on Jeff Jarrett.  Bischoff comes in.  Jarrett yells at him.  Bischoff challenges Jarrett to hit him.  Jarrett’s sick of his crap.  Bischoff calls him picky.  He says Jarrett has a match in the ring tonight.  Jarrett calls him a prick.

Mr. Anderson is dressed like Kurt Angle.

Mick Foley in etiquette school part 2.

Anderson/Angle video package.

Mr. Anderson comes dressed and acting like a retarded Kurt Angle, with Angle’s entrance and music.  He does a parody of an Angle promo.  Kurt Angle comes out and kicks his ass.  Anderson bails, throws water in Angle’s face, the drops the straps on his singlet and Angle slams him.  He slingshots his bald cap into Angle’s face.  Ouch.  Anderson steals Angle’s dog tag again.

Abyss talks to Hogan backstage.  Abyss talks about watching Hogan when he was a child.  He says that he can handle Flair and Styles on his own with the power of the ring.  Hogan says he and Abyss are one and have the same blood.  Huh?  This goes on for a while.  They hug and profess their love for each other.  All righty then.

THE TAG MATCH IS THIS MONDAY!  THAT’S THE MONDAY THAT’S GOING TO BE THE VERY NEXT MONDAY THAT HAPPENS!

Beautiful People/Angelina Love video.  Earlier today, the Beauts jumped Angelina during a photo shoot and beat her down.

Angelina Love comes out and calls out Velvet Sky.  Velvet comes out with the belt she whipped Angelina with earlier.  Angelina goes after Velvet on the ramp.  Velvet tries to run away, but gets her ass kicked.  Angelina gets the belt.  Madison Rayne and Lacey Von Erich run in.  Madison gets whipped, but Lacey hits Love with the ugly stick.  The Beautiful People commence to beating her down.  Velvet whips her again.

Bubba the Love Sponge (I thought he got fired) tells Hogan that he can’t wrestle, or he’ll cripple himself.

Mick Foley in etiquette school, part 3.  The lessons aren’t sinking in very well.

Kevin Nash/Eric Young vs. The Band video.  Nash and Young will have COMMENTS this Monday!  COMMENTS!

Tomko vs. Jeff Jarrett.  Jarrett is back to having no music.  They lock up.  Jarrett fights out of a side headlock, then hits shoulder blocked down.  Tomko works Jarrett’s injured shoulder.  Jarrett rocks Tomko with an enzuigiri, sits on him against the ropes, then gets dropped with a clothesline for 2.  Tomko continues working the shoulder.  Jarrett fights back.  Tomko hits an inverted atomic drop.  Jarrett hits a Jack Brisco roll out of the corner for the pin in 3:54.   Bischoff is displeased because Jarrett won.  I’m displeased because this sucked.

Bischoff also discourages Hogan from wrestling.  Hogan says he’s boxed into this position, even though he did it to himself.

Four-Way Match for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship: AJ Styles (c) (w/ Ric Flair) vs. Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero vs. Abyss.  Pope is wrestling despite being unable to walk from the attack 2 weeks ago.  He and Styles start.  It’s tag team rules.  Styles tries the figure-four.  Pope kicks him away and tags in Abyss.  Styles notices and tags in Wolfe.  Abyss sits on Wolfe, then tries to double chokeslam Wolfe and Styles.  He fails, but hits a sidewalk slam on Wolfe for 2.  Pope and Abyss clothesline Styles and Wolfe out of the ring.  Insta-commercials.  Abyss and Wolfe fight outside while Styles and Pope fight in the ring.  Flair hits Pope’s injured ankle with a chair behind the referee’s back.  You seriously can’t hear that, you fucking useless ref?  Styles locks Pope in the figure-four leglock.  Pope survives it, killing any credibility that this move had left.  The referee stops it to give Styles the win (3:45 shown).  Styles, Wolfe, and Flair beat down Pope.  Abyss makes the save.  Flair attacks Abyss with the barbed wire bat.  They beat down Abyss, but Hulk Hogan comes out to take the save.  He hits Flair with the bat and Flair bleeds like a mofo.  Hogan beats up Flair and some security goons.  Abyss helps.  Styles and Wolfe pull Flair to safety.  Commercials.

Hogan cuts a promo on Flair, who is a bloody mess.  Pope challenges the heels to come back to the ring and fight.  Fin.

Well, the streak of decent Impacts is dead.  This show sucked big floppy donkey dick.

TNA iMPACT! 2/25/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2010 by Grappleholic

Abyss is showing off the ring Hogan gave him to Jeremy Borash, Kazarian, Generation Me, Amazing Red, and Jay Lethal.  Abyss says “I thought last week was going to be the worst day ever, but it ended up being the greatest day in the history of my life.”

Video package of all that’s happened to Abyss recently, culminating in Hulk Hogan giving Abyss his Hall of Fame ring last week.

iMPACT! open.

Mike Tenay and Taz are our hosts!  They hype the matches that have been signed for TONIGHT!

The TNA World Heavyweight Champion, AJ Styles, comes out with Ric Flair.  They show their beatdown of The Pope last week.  Styles cuts a promo on The Pope.  Flair rants and raves about Hogan giving his Hall of Fame ring to Abyss.  Flair calls out “The Abyss.”  ABYSS COMES OUT TO “AMERICAN MADE!”  Flair rants and raves at Abyss.  Abyss replies with the great line, “You’re right, I couldn’t shine your shoes, BECAUSE I’M NOT A SHOE SHINE BOY!”  Abyss offers to shove Styles’ shoes up Flair’s ass.  Styles screams at Abyss.  Abyss points at Styles and yells “YOU!” ala Hogan hulking up.  Hogan comes out.  Hogan addresses Styles.  Flair yells at Hogan.  Flair and Styles challenge Hogan and Abyss to fight, then beg off.  Flair says before the night is over, the ring will be on Styles’ finger.  Good opening segment.

TNA moves to Monday on March 8!

Mick Foley arrives at the building.

Tenay and Taz hype the card for tonight again.

Moments ago, the Hogan & Abyss/Flair & Styles stuff happened.

Tables Match: The Nasty Boys (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. Team 3D.  They start brawling on the ramp, then Devon and Sags brawl in the ring while Ray and Knobs brawl outside.  They switch brawling locations.  Everybody ends up in the ring.  WASSUP headbutt on Sags.  Ray tells Devon to get the tables.  3D sets up the table.  The Nastys deck them.  They hip toss Devon, but Ray moves the table.  Ray goes up top(!), but Hart grabs his leg and causes him to get thrown off.  Jesse Neal comes out and grabs the helmet from Hart.  He throws the helmet to 3D, who uses it, then 3Ds Sags through the table for the win in 3:51.  Meh.

Foley bitches at Eric Bischoff over his shenanigans last week.  At least Foley got a nice suit out of the deal.  Bischoff tells Foley to suit up.

ODB vs. Daffney.  Daffney tries to charge ODB before the bell, but ODB avoids her.  ODB has the advantage.  PIP of Christy Hemme interviewing the Knockouts Champion, Tara, who got destroyed by Daffney last week.  Daffney gets the advantage on ODB.  Why is Tara addressing someone who is in the ring and can’t see it?  Daffney attacks ODB’s knee, eventually hitting it with the steps for the DQ in 2:07.  Daffney attacks the knee with a broomstick.  Dr. Stevie comes out to restrain her again.

JB interviews the World Tag Team Champions, Matt Morgan and Hernandez.  They’ve made up after their little tiff.  They’re ready to face the competition in the tag team division.

Scott Hall and Syxx-Pac are shown digging through the trash.

Beer Money are in the house, and they HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!  We’ll find out what NEXT!  Another one of TNA’s stupid bit within a commercial break.

ShopTNA.com!

Beer Money is in the ring.  They cut a promo.  They’re pissed that they have hardly been featured under the new regime.  Hernandez comes out, puts them over, and says he’s going to Hogan to ask him to make a Tag title match with Beer Money.  Roode agrees.

JB interviews Kevin Nash and Eric Young.  They want to fight Hall and Pac.

Jeff Jarrett storms into Bischoff’s office and bitches him out.  He doesn’t want to hear any of Bischoff’s shit.  Bischoff tells Jarrett to meet him in the ring tonight and he’ll give Jarrett “a better opportunity.”  A better opportunity to get fired?  Get jumped by the goon squad?  STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT!

TNA moves to Monday on March 8!

Jarrett/Bischoff video package.

Eric Bischoff comes to the ring.  He gets heavily booed, but no-sells it.  He asks Jeff Jarrett to come out, and even lets him have his music this week.  Bischoff has some chick bring out the barbed wire bat that’s been the cause of much grief lately.  He tells Jarrett that he did the right thing in not using it last week.  However, he didn’t do the ring thing by Bischoff.  Bischoff gives Jarrett one more chance to do the right thing: go to catering and flip burgers.  Bischoff gives him a spatula and a hairnet.  Poor Jarrett.

Commercial inset: Abyss vs. Desmond Wolfe TONIGHT!

Matt Morgan is mad at Hernandez for setting up the title defense against Beer Money without his knowledge.  Morgan didn’t want serious competition.  I smell a heel turn!

TNA X Divison Championship #1 Contender Match: Brian Kendrick vs. Kazarian.  Kendrick attacks Kazarian’s arm to start.  Kazarian fights back and hits a leg drop from the apron, dropkick in the corner, nip up, replays.  Kendrick avoids Kazarian in the corner and schoolboys him for 2.  Kendrick rocks him with an enzuigiri and hits a swank neckbreaker.  PIP of Samoa Joe being kindnapped last week.  Yeah, when the hell are they going to address that?  Kazarian puts Kendrick up top, then misses a kick.  Kazarian hits the Flux Capacitor for the pin in 2:34.  It was okay.  Kazarian gets the title shot at Destination X.

Kevin Nash and Eric Young are taping their fists.

JB interviews Abyss, who challenges anyone to try to take his ring.  “Bring a chainsaw, bring a see-saw, bring whatever you want!”

TNA Global Championship hype.  Tonight, Rob Terry defends that title against Mr. Anderson!

Christy Hemme interviews Mr. Anderson.  He says he’ll win his first TNA gold tonight.  He says Terry is “as strong as six gorillas.”  He then says he’s been in the ring with six gorillas, and he beat them by DQ.  Okay, THAT was funny.

Kurt Angle is headed our way!

TNA moves to Monday on March 8.  BE THERE!  Actually, record it or download it and watch it after you watch Raw.

Rob Terry is getting ready.  Brutus Magnus tells him not to bite the hand that feeds him.  Terry tells him to piss off.

Rob Terry comes out for his title defense.  Ken Anderson cuts a promo on the stage, making fun of Kurt Angle.  Angle comes up through the stage like usual entrance, holding a chair.  He stands there for a while, letting Anderson talk, then wallops him in the back with the chair.  Angle motions for Terry to come to the stage.  Crowd chants “BREAK HIS ANKLE!”  Terry picks up Anderson and carries him to the ring.

TNA Global Championship Match: Rob Terry (c) vs. Ken Anderson.  Terry throws Anderson into the ring, picks him up, running powerslam, and the pin in 24 seconds.

Jeff Jarrett is flipping burgers.

Mick Foley comes back into the building with a trench coat covering what is presumably his bitchin’ new suit.

MONDAY, MARCH 8!  MONDAY, MARCH 8!

They show all the shit that’s gone down with The Band since January 4.

Eric Young and Kevin Nash go out into the parking lot.  Young starts brawling with Waltman.  Off camera, Hall hits Nash in the knee with a lead pipe.  Hall chokes Young and tells him to stay out of it.  Waltman drops Young with a kick, then spray paints “4 Life” on his back.  Well that didn’t turn out well.

Abyss can “feel the enthusiasm” of all the Hulkamaniacs.

Jeff Jarrett is still flipping burgers.

Eric Bischoff is on the phone, making fun of the Raw guest host deal.  Mick Foley comes in.  He suited up!  He already got mustard on his jacket because he saw Jeff Jarrett working the grill in catering.  Bischoff sends him to etiquette school.

Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. Abyss.  Abyss now has his theme mixed with “American Made.”  Awesome.  Wolfe attacks Abyss’ arm and neck.  Not much happens, then Abyss squashes Wolfe in the corner and goes for the chokeslam.  Wolfe awesomely counters with his awesome hammerlock drop.  Abyss catches Wolfe with the Black Hole Slam for the pin in 1:54.  Poor Wolfe.  Ric Flair and Styles come out and attack Abyss.  Abyss fights them off, but Wolfe attacks Abyss with a chair.  Abyss hulks up, but Flair and Styles jump him from behind.  Wolfe handcuffs Abyss to the top rope and they beat on him.  Hulk Hogan comes in to make the save.  Flair clips his knee and they commence to beating down Hogan.  Styles clocks Hogan with the World title belt.  Abyss can’t do anything but watch Hogan get demolished.  Hogan is BUSTED WIDE OPEN!  Abyss uses the power of the ring to break the handcuffs and runs the heels off.  Commercials!

Moments ago, that stuff happened!

Hogan and Abyss are still in the ring.  Hogan announces himself & Abyss vs. Styles & Flair for the March 8 iMPACT!  Tenay says “HOLY *BLEEEEP*!”

MARCH 8!  MARCH 8!  MARCH 8!

iMPACT! continues to be a more watchable show.

TNA iMPACT! 2/18/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 20, 2010 by Grappleholic

Eric Bischoff arrives in a limo.  He’s talking to someone on the phone.  “Let the games begin,” he says.  Against All Odds highlight video.  Dixie Carter and Hulk Hogan’s announcement that TNA moves to Mondays on March 8.

“Lord of the Ring.”  iMPACT! open.

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero comes out.  Pope cuts a promo about his victory at the PPV that made him #1 Contender to the World Championship.  He addresses “Arthur Jackson” and “Dick Flair.”  Pope says he’ll win the title.  The World Champion, AJ Styles comes out along with Ric Flair and a bunch of bimbos.  Flair does the talking, which strikes me as a good thing.  Pope calls him a dick again.  Flair calls him a street thug.  Styles does his pitiful excuse for heel mic work.  Pope slugs AJ.  AJ and Flair beat down Pope.  The Pillmanize Pope’s ankle.  Styles puts him in the figure-four.

Moments ago… ^ happened.

Mike Tenay and Taz are our hosts!  They hype the move to Monday.

Non-Title: Daffney vs. TNA Knockouts Champion Tara.  Daffney’s music is awesome.  Apparently a former TNA Champion is returning tonight.  I guess that’s who Bischoff was talking to.  Tara beats up Daffney and hits a sidewalk slam out of a fireman’s carry for 2.  Daffney hits an European uppercut and a chop.  Tara back body drops her.  Tara almost has a wardrobe malfunction.  Daffney gets the advantage and works Tara’s hair.  That never ceases to amuse me.  When a guy has long hair, his opponent doesn’t attack it.  Daffney sends Tara to the floor and rams her into the guardrail.  Daffney pulls a toolbox from under the ring and hits Tara with it for the DQ in 2:21.  Daffney continues to assault Tara and screams at the referee.  Daffney traps Tara under a piece of the barricade and beats it with a chair.  Dr. Stevie finally pulls her away.  Good angle.

Mick Foley goes into Bischoff’s office.  Bischoff was pleased with the PPV match.  He has people there to make him some new gear.  They’re going shopping, courtesy of “ATM Eric.”  They leave.  Bischoff calls someone to send Abyss into his office.

Kevin Nash is in the house!

Orlando Jordan comes out with his bi-sexual lovers.  Joe’s music hits, but before he comes out they show Bischoff bitching at him for losing on Sunday.

Orlando Jordan (w/ bi-sexual lovers) vs. Samoa Joe.  Jordan tries to jump Joe, but Joe kicks his ass.  Joe decapitates Jordan with a leg lariat for 2.  Jordan hits a big spinebuster and puts the boots to Joe.  Jordan hits a swinging neckbreaker, drops some elbows, and hits a knee drop for 2.  Joe makes a comeback with clotheslines and back body drop.  Joe sets him up in Muscle Buster position, but beats the crap out of him instead of hitting the move.  The referee gets onto Joe.  Jordan hits a swank neckbreaker for the pin in 3:25.  Joe’s pissed.

Abyss talks to Jeremy Borash.  He’s worried about what Bischoff wants with him.

Bischoff bitches out Abyss for the same reason he praised Foley earlier.  Bischoff says there’s nobody here to protect Abyss, so he’s going to take his mask.  Abyss begs him not to.  Bischoff says he’s going to do it later tonight, and he’s got security posted to make sure Abyss doesn’t leave the building.

Christy Hemme interviews Eric Young.  Young says Kevin Nash is going to address Scott Hall and Syxx-Pac in the ring tonight.

Video of the Monday announcement again.

Bischoff walks into wherever the hell Jeff Jarrett is with the barbed wire bat.  Bischoff tells Jarrett to use the bat tonight in his match with Abyss.

TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams, The Motor City Machine Guns, & Brian Kendrick vs. Amazing Red, Generation Me, & Kazarian.  Kaz is back!  Williams jumps Kazarian to start.  Kazarian drops him.  Williams tags in Kendrick.  Kazarian kicks his ass.  The bell randomly rings again.  Generation Me double teams Kendrick.  Shelley tags in and hits an awesome crucifix hold on the dark haired one for 2.  Sabin tags in.  Guns double team the dark haired one (Taz says it’s Max).  Max tags in Red, who has an awesome bit with Sabin.  Red plants Sabin with a DDT.  Shelley saves.  Sabin knees Red in the gut and tags in Williams.  Williams drops Red and goes up top, but Red takes him down with a spin kick.  Tag to Kazarian, who runs wild on Williams.  Kazarian hits a spinning neckbreaker on Williams.  Kendrick saves.  Awesome clusterfuck ensues.  Guns try to double team Kazarian, but Red takes down down.  Red takes out the Guns with a dive to the outside.  Kazarian fights off Kendrick and hits a springboard DDT on Williams for the pin in 4:09.  Awesome little spot fest.

Abyss is trying to escape the building.  Referee Slick Johnson tells him he has a match.  Abyss wants to leave, not wrestle.  Abyss vs. Jarrett is NEXT!

Monday announcement for the trillionth time.

Abyss vs. Jeff Jarrett.  Jarrett still gets no music, and he has the barbed wire bat instead of a guitar.  They lock up.  Abyss drops Jarrett with a shoulder block.  Jarrett tries to get something going, but gets dropped with a clothesline.  Jarrett counters the Shock Treatment and rocks Abyss with an enzuigiri.  Jarrett dropkicks Abyss and does the punches in the corner.  Abyss stops it with an inverted atomic drop.  Jarrett clotheslines Abyss out of the ring.  Jarrett pulls a chair out of the front row.  I know I asked this at the PPV, but why are there empty seats in the front row?  Abyss cuts Jarrett off and rams Jarrett into the chair.  Abyss brings the chair back into the ring and wedges it between the top and middle turnbuckles.  Abyss doesn’t like touching the bat.  Back into the ring.  Double clothesline spot.  Eric Bischoff comes out to the stage to watch.  Insta-commercials.  Abyss hits a sidewalk slam for 2.  Jarrett comes off the middle rope, but Abyss catches him with a chokeslam for 2.  Jarrett avoids an elbow drop and hits Abyss with some punches.  Jarrett hits the Stroke, then hits it again into the chair from earlier.  Jarrett makes eye contact with Bischoff and picks up the bat.  Abyss begs off and Jarrett has second thoughts.  Jarrett throws the bat down.  Bischoff says he knew he couldn’t trust Jarrett.  He sends out Raven, Tomko, Homicide, Rhino, and Desmond Wolfe to jump Abyss and Jarrett.  It’s a no-contest in 7:33.  They hold Abyss.  Bischoff is about to rip his mask off when Hulk Hogan comes out.  Hogan tells Abyss to get to his office.  Oh, the match was fun while it lasted.  Abyss and Hogan leave.

Moments ago, all of that stuff happened.

Abyss is headed to Hogan’s office, flanked by security.

The British Invasion (Brutus Magnus & TNA Global Champion Rob Terry) vs. Beer Money.  They finally acknowledge Terry’s title win on the recent UK tour.  Storm and Magnus go at it.  Storm slaps Magnus HARD.  Terry clotheslines Storm from the apron.  Brits double team Storm while the referee keeps Roode out.  Terry hits a running powerslam on Storm.  Magnus tags back in and covers for 2.  Magnus tags Terry back in.  Oh, so Magnus wants Terry to do the work and take the glory for himself.  Magnus tags back in.  Storm kicks his ass and tags in Roode.  Roode hits a spinebuster on Magnus.  Terry comes in and gets double suplexed by Beer Money.  BEER!  MONEY!  They double clothesline Terry out of the ring.  Storm takes him out with a dive.  Beer Money hits the DWI on Magnus and Roode gets the pin in 2:48.  Magnus blames Terry for the loss.  He bitches Terry out, slaps him, and says the belt belongs to him.  Terry kicks his ass and takes his belt back.

Kevin Nash is backstage, looking angry.

Abyss is waiting on Hogan.  Hogan comes in yells at Abyss, yells at Bischoff to not come in, and yells at Abyss some more.  Hogan says he’s tired of Abyss being afraid of his own shadow.  Hogan gives Abyss his Hall of Fame ring, which is supposed to give Abyss Hogan’s power.  Silly, but kind of fun.  Abyss puts the ring on and feels the power!

Daniels vs. Kurt Angle.  Daniels jumps Angle at the bell and kicks his ass.  The referee pulls him off, and he jumps back on the attack.  Repeat.  Angle fights back, but Daniels drops him with a palm thrust for 2.  Daniels tries a sunset flip, but Angle locks him in the ankle lock for the victory on 1:06.  Does it still count as a squash if Daniels got 90% of the offense?

Angle takes the mic and addresses Mr. Anderson.  He’s mad at Anderson for spitting on his over sized dog tag at the PPV.  Angle talks about the hard year he had last year.  The dog tag means a lot to him because a soldier gave it to him.  He’s gonna fuck Ken Anderson’s shit up for spitting on America.  Or something like that.  He says he’ll see Anderson in hell.  Anderson comes out.  Commercials.

Anderson makes fun of Angle for whining.  He says he liked making Angle bleed.  Angle goes up the ramp and brawls with Anderson.  Anderson smashes Angle in the head with the microphone and welcomes him to Total Nonstop Anderson… ANDERSON!

JB tries to interview Samoa Joe as he’s leaving the building, but Joe has nothing to say.  A white van pulls up and a bunch of masked guys kidnap Joe.  The fuck?

Tenay and Taz agree with my sentiment.

Kevin Nash and Eric Young come out.  Nash stares at the camera and addresses Hall and Waltman.  Kind of creepy, as he said he bought a black suit 10 years ago because he knew he’d end up putting one of them in the ground.  He calls them out.  They come in through the crowd.  Young jumps Pac and they brawl on the outside.  Hall throws his toothpick and Nash and Nash kicks his ass.  Security breaks it up.  Hogan comes out and stands on the stage.  Nash says “Next week, it’s on.”

Very good show, and I haven’t said that about Impact in a very long time.

TNA iMPACT! 1/21/10 (Repost)

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 21, 2010 by Grappleholic

Genesis highlight video.  The name of this episode is “AJ Styles… Whooo!”

Ric Flair and the World Champion AJ Styles arrive in a limo with bimbos.

Impact open, pyro and ballyhoo, Mike Tenay and Taz.

Ric Flair comes out with bimbos.  Flair says he had 3 reasons for coming to TNA: 1.) He hates Hulk Hogan.  2.) He wants AJ Styles to be the new Nature Boy.  3.)  He nailed Dixie Carter.  That was the short version.  Be thankful.  Flair introduces AJ Styles (in a suit and with yet another bimbo).  Styles cuts a promo and comes off like a goofy kid pretending to be Ric Flair.  Kurt Angle comes out with Hulk Hogan in tow.  Hogan says he changed his mind about enforcing the Genesis stipulation and he’s giving Angle another title shot tonight.  If Flair interferes, Angle wins the title.

Matt Morgan’s New Year’s Resolution is to do more for charity.

Mick Foley is throwing a tamper backstage and looking for Eric Bischoff.

Tenay and Taz run down what’s on tap for TONIGHT!

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match: Matt Morgan & Hernandez (c) vs. The British Invasion.  This is the Brits’ rematch, having lost the titles at Genesis.  Williams beats up Morgan to start.  Magnus does the revolving elbows in the corner, clotheslines Williams, picks him up for a sidewalk slam, then just drops him.  Brits get the advantage on Morgan.  Hernandez gets the tag and runs wild.  Modified Border Toss thingy gets 2.  Rob Terry comes out as Williams hits a German suplex hold for 2.  Terry throws in his Feast or Fired case to Magnus.  Magnus accidentally clocks Williams, allowing Hernandez to get the pin in 4:00.  The match was meh.  Mick Foley comes out and hits the Brits with a chair, then double arm DDTs Williams onto the chair.  Foley tells the camera that Bischoff should schedule an appointment for him.

Audio clips of Jeff Jarrett on the Bubba The Love Sponge Show.  Jarrett keeps hanging up on him.

Hogan and Bischoff talk in their office.  Bischoff is going to take care of “Cactus Jack” and Hogan is going to take care of “that other thing.”  Kevin Nash comes in.  The Band is out of control and Nash is tagging with Eric Young tonight.

Orlando Jordan comes out.  Cut to Christy Hemme interviewing “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.

Orlando Jordan vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  They lock up.  Jordan does an arm drag.  I kinda wish Orlando Jordan would fuck off and die.  Pope does his slide over the guy and out of the ring deal.  Jordan hits a Dragon screw leg whip on Pope’s injured knee.  Jordan hits a Flatliner for the pin in 3:01.

Christy interviews Kurt Angle.

The Pope says every day is a new year for him.

More Jarrett on Bubba.

Nash and Eric Young talk backstage.

Beautiful People history package.

More Jarrett/Bubba.

Bobby Lashley meets with Eric Bischoff.  Despite what Lashley’s wife has been saying, he wants to wrestle in TNA.

Madison Rayne vs. Angelina Love.  Rayne begs off, then gets a cheap shot in and beats up Love.  Angelina fights back and kicks her ass.  Angelina gets the pin after a thrust kick in 1:04.  She rips Rayne’s shirt off and chokes her with it.  Hot.  Velvet Sky and Lacey Von Erich come out.  Love fights off Lacey and Rayne at first.  They finally get the 3 on 1 beat down and Lacey hits Love with the ugly stick (a pink nightstick).

Bubba interviews Scott Hall and Syxx-Pac.  They defend Hall’s beating up of “a fan” at Genesis.

Hogan and Bischoff are headed our way!

Velvet Sky doesn’t have a New Years’ Resolution.

Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff come to the ring.  Hogan babbles, then calls out The Band.  Hogan really hates rock, paper, scissors, so he kicks Hall and Pac out of the building.  Mick Foley comes out.  Commercials.

Eric Young says he’ll be dominate in 2010.

Nash tells Hall and Pac he’ll take care of things, so they leave.

The Nasty Boys vs. Kevin Nash & TNA Global Champion Eric Young.  Sags and Young start.  Young tries.  Sags beats him up.  Knobs tags in and beats up Young.  Nash tags in and beats up Knobs.  Sags tags in and clotheslines Nash for 2.  Nash drops Sags tag in Young, who hits a diving elbow for 2.  Knobs take out Nash.  Nastys give Young the Pit Stop.  Sags hits a pumphandle slam on Young for the pin in 3:09.  This sucked.

Angle vs. Styles is still to come!

Ken Anderson Anderson is headed our way!

During the break, Team 3D clobbered the Nasty Boys with chair shots backstage.

Highlights of Mr. Anderson’s debut against Abyss at Genesis.

Ken Anderson comes out and talks.  Abyss sneaks in behind him.  Anderson goes on making fun of Abyss.  Abyss finally taps Anderson on the shoulder, then kicks his ass.

Brother Devon’s resolution is to be a good wrestler.  Good luck with that, buddy.

Brother Ray’s is to have fun.

Abyss apologizes to Bischoff backstage.  Bischoff says the only reason Abyss has a job is because Hogan likes him.  Bischoff goes into Hogan’s office, where Mick Foley is being restrained by security.  They agree to have a civilized discussion.  Foley yells at Bischoff.  Bischoff has the camera guy leave.  Stupid segment.  I’m just happy they didn’t cut straight to the invisible camera.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: AJ Styles (c) vs. Kurt Angle.  Earl Hebner is the referee.  Just mentioning that in case it comes into play later on.  Styles jumps Angle before the bell.  Angle fights back and kicks his ass.  Angle back body drops Styles, who bails.  Angle chases him back into the ring and gets the boots put to him.  Angle hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for 2.  Angle hammers Styles.  A clothesline gets 2 for Angle.  Angle tries a German, but Styles holds onto the ropes and kicks him low.  Styles puts the boots to Angle.  Insta-commercial.  They trade blows in the middle of the ring.  Styles clips Angle’s leg and puts him in the figure-four leglock.  Angle escapes and hits a belly to belly overhead suplex, then goes for the Angle Slam, but Styles arm drags his way out of it.  Angle hits the rolling Germans.  Angle goes for the Slam again, but AJ avoids and hits the Pele kick, then goes for the Styles Clash.  Angle counters it and locks in the ankle lock.  Styles rolls through, locks in his own ankle lock, and Hebner IMMEDIATELY calls for the bell.  “BULLSHIT” chants.  That’s right, another lame Montreal rehash.  Hogan comes out.  Angle yells at him, accusing him of having something to do with it, “quits,” and spits on Hogan’s face.  Insta-commercial.

During the break, Angle stole Mike Tenay’s chair and beat up the set with it.

A bloody Eric Bischoff stumbles his way to the ring, takes the microphone, and fires Mick Foley.  End.

Man, what a fucking disjointed mess of a show.