Archive for The Usos

WWE Monday Night Raw 7/5/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 6, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open.

The 7 members of The Nexus are in the ring.  Wade Barrett says he was told by the iBooker 9000 to assemble in the ring to face the consequences of their actions.  Barrett says he can’t reveal their reasons yet, but it’s part of a bigger picture.  Skip Sheffield said they beat up the legends for fun.  He says Steamboat should thank them for creating interest in his DVD.  Michael Cole gets an email from the iBooker 9000 saying that no Nexus member can compete for a WWE title until further notice and that the ban on them fighting WWE Superstars is lifted.  John Cena comes out and says Nexus haven’t been in a fair fight yet.  Randy Orton, R-Truth, John Morrison, Evan Bourne, and The Hart Dynasty come out.  Sheamus, Edge, The Usos, Chris Jericho, Ted Dibiase Jr., and The Miz attack the babyfaces.  The faces clean house and Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment on one of the Usos.  Sheamus says the heels support the Nexus taking out Cena and Bret Hart.  He says the heels aren’t going to help Cena fight the Nexus.  Orton says he and Cena aren’t friends and never will be except when they have to be.  Orton reminds Edge that Nexus jumped them at Fatal 4 Way.  Orton recommends that the babyfaces beat up the heels.  Cole gets an email from the iBooker 9000 announcing a series of matches between the Money In The Bank participants.  iBooker also orders Cena to call a truce with Wade Barrett tonight.  Cena says he’ll punch Barrett’s teeth out instead.  iBooker says Cena needs to be the bigger man and do the right thing or face consequences “and that’s the bottom line because the GM said so.  Great, now idiot marks think it’s going to be Austin.  Wild segment to start the show.

WWE YouTube channel plug.

Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are the announcers.  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

John Morrison vs. Million Dollar Champion Ted Dibiase Jr. (w/ Maryse).  Maryse joins Cole and Lawler for commentary.  Dibiase beats up Morrison.  Dibiase hits a stun gun for 2.  Morrison makes his comeback.  A big kick gets 2.  Maryse takes a phone call.  Dibiase hits a powerslam for 2.  Morrison drops Dibiase with a kick.  Maryse puts on Morrison’s fur coat to distract him.  Dibiase thumbs Morrison in the eye and hits the Dream Street for the pin in 3:23.  They didn’t have time to do much of a match.

Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov are headed our way.  “It’s going to be like World War II, except this time, no Nazis!’

Tonight, something happens between John Cena and Wade Barrett!

Last Monday, Kozlov beat Santino, then saved Santino from William Regal.

Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov vs. William Regal & Great Khali (w/ Ranjin Singh).  Singh is trying to get Khali to turn heel.  Kozlov and Regal start.  Kozlov hits the headbutts, then tags in Santino.  Santino slowly tries to makes his way to the top rope, then hits an axe handle off the bottom rope.  Santino throws some kicks.  Regal is like WTF?  Santino goes for the Cobra strike, but Regal nails him.  Regal hits an Exploder.  Kozlov tags in and makes makes a comeback.  He hits the Iron Curtain for the pin in 1:36.  Khali comes in and hits Regal with the big chop.  At least this match was funny.  Everybody dances.

Tonight, Edge has Chris Jericho and Evan Bourne on the Cutting Edge!  Also, an update on Ricky Steamboat!  Commercials!

Nashville!

Lawler talks about the attack on the Legends last week.  They show the video.

Josh Matthews interviews Arn Anderson.  Anderson says Steamboat is in bad shape.  WWE Champion Sheamus interrupts and calls him a pathetic old man.  Anderson warns Sheamus about the hostile takeover.  Fuck, Anderson can still talk.  Sheamus isn’t taking the threat seriously.  Anderson says he just doesn’t get it.

Tonight, Alicia Fox defends the WWE Divas Championship against Eve Torres!  The Miz faces R-Truth next!  Commercials!

This Week In WWE History: Lex Luger slamming Yokozuna on the USS Intrepid on July 4, 1993.

R-Truth is out to wrestle WWE United States Champion The Miz.  Miz does another stupid rendition of Truth’s rap instead of coming out to his own awesome music.  Miz hits Truth with the microphone and beats him up on the outside.  Miz destroys Truth’s arm.  No match takes place.  Miz says he’s going to hurt all of the Money In The Bank participants.

Moments ago, ^ happened.

Edge comes out to do the Cutting Edge.  He makes fun of R-Truth and talks about the Nexus.  He introduces Evan Bourne, but Chris Jericho comes out instead.  He takes credit for Nexus’ destruction because he was Wade Barrett’s NXT pro.  They bicker abound stuff.  Edge attacks Jericho.  Jericho counters Edge and locks him in the Walls of Jericho.  Evan Bourne comes down and hits Jericho with the double knees.  Bourne leap frogs Edge’s spear attempt and escapes from Edge and Jericho.  Cole gets an email from the iBooker 9000 asking for a “Hell Yeah” if fans want to see action.  Ugh, another Austin tease?  iBooker says it’s going to be Jericho & Edge vs. Bourne & Randy Orton.  It’s next!  Commercials.

Edge & Chris Jericho vs. Randy Orton & Evan Bourne.  Jericho beats up Bourne to start.  Bourne replies with a knee strike and a running knee to the corner for 2.  Orton tags in and beats up Jericho.  Orton humps the mat.  Jericho scampers to the corner and makes the tag to Edge.  Edge and Orton brawl.  Orton does the Garvin Stomp.  Bourne tags in and hits a sliding kick for 2.  Edge tags in Jericho.  Bourne dropkicks Jericho.  Jericho bails an dBourne hits him with a baseball slide dropkick and a slingshot dive.  Jericho drops Bourne with a clothesline back inside.  Commercials.  The heels get heat on Bourne.  Edge goes for a suplex, but Bourne knees him in the head to escape it.  Orton and Jericho tag in.  Orton hits the powerslam, then the DDT OF MURDER!  Orton humps the mat.  Edge cuts him off allowing Jericho to hit an enzuigiri.  Edge tags in and puts the boots to Orton.  Jericho tags back in and lands a dropkick for 2.  Jericho hits the bulldog, then misses the Lionsault.  Bourne and Edge tag in.  Bourne runs wild, then gets caught with a boot.  Jericho tags in, bitches at Edge, then eats a knee from Bourne.  Edge spears Jericho and leaves.  Bourne hits the Shooting Star press on Jericho for the pin in 15:44.  Good tag match.  Orton RKOs Bourne afterward.

Highlights of the original Nexus attack on John Cena.  Tonight, will they call a truce?  Commercials!

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Nashville!

Randy Orton runs into David Otunga, Heath Slater, and Michael Tarver backstage.  They promise not to attack him again, but imply that they will take out the winner of the Steel Cage Match at the PPV so he’s easy pickings for the MITB winner.  Orton tells them to get out of his face.

R-Truth will not be able to be in the Money In The Bank Ladder Match, so there’s an opening.  Cole and Lawler hype the Money In The Bank card.

Josh Matthews says the iBooker 9000 has booked The Hart Dynasty vs. The Usos for the Unified WWE Tag Team Championship at Money In The Bank.  He interviews the Usos and Tamina.  Matthews can’t tell the Usos apart, and neither can I.  WWE Divas Champion Alicia Fox shows up and bitches at him for not interviewing her.  Commercials.

SummerSlam Recall: Bret Hart vs. Davey Boy Smith at SummerSlam 1992.

WWE Divas Championship Match: Alicia Fox (c) vs. Eve Torres.  Eve hits some dropkicks.  Alicia pretends to injure her knee, but says she wants to continue.  Fox knees Eve and hits the scissors kick for the pin in 1:25.  This was stupid.

Cena and Barrett call a truce… maybe… next!  Commercials.

Next week, Randy Orton takes on Edge!

Wade Barrett comes out.  He says it’s “unfortunate” that John Cena has been caught in the middle of all of this.  He calls for Cena to come out so they can shake hands like men.  Cena comes out.  Barrett says Cena isn’t in their future plans.  He wants to put the past behind them.  Cena asks for Barrett’s word that the attacks will stop.  Cena teases shaking his hand, but fakes him out and says his usual goofy things, then says Barrett should stuff his plans “up his Nexus.”  Cena says he will take down every member of the Nexus.  Barrett says if Cena doesn’t shake his hand he’ll face “very severe consequences.”  Cena shakes Barrett’s hand, then goes for the Attitude Adjustment.  The rest of the Nexus run in and attack Cena.  Evan Bourne runs in and gets his ass stomped too.  Same for John Morrison.  Mark Henry, Goldust, Great Khali, Vladimir Kozlov, The Hart Dynasty, Santino Marella, and Yoshi Tatsu come out to back up the babyfaces.  The babyfaces clean house and send the Nexus running.  Cole gets an email from the iBooker 9000 promising “consequences” if there isn’t “peace.”  Cena locks Darren Young in the STF.  iBooker 9000 says Cena must face all members of the Nexus in a 7 on 1 match next week.  Cena kicks the shit out of Black Cena some more and FUCKING THROWS THE RING STEPS AT HIM.  Cena throws Young over the announce table and tips the table over on top of him.

The opening and closing segments and the tag match were good.  The rest of the show sucked.

WWE Monday Night Raw 6/28/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 28, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open, then they show the NXT 7’s destruction of Vince McMahon from last week.

Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler talk about The Nexus’ heinous assault last week.  Yes, they’re officially called Nexus.  Wade Barrett is apparently meeting with WWE management.

Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

The steel cage is above the ring, but nobody has mentioned it yet.

WWE Champion Sheamus comes out.  He says he’s disgusted with what happened last week and he’s going to make a statement about it.  His statement is “the champ is here.”  He says John Cena isn’t #1 Contender anymore.  He hates Cena for calling him a human jar of mayonnaise.  He tells Cena to go to the back of the line.  Cena comes out to the ring instead.  Sheamus reminds Cena that he just said he’s not getting another title shot.  Cena says he wants Sheamus’ help.  He says the Nexus will be targeting Sheamus now that he’s the WWE Champion.  He wants Sheamus to help him fight the Nexus.  Cole gets an e-mail from the iBooker 9000.  iBooker will wait until next week to punish the Nexus to give Wade Barrett time to present his case to WWE management.  If any member of the Nexus attack a WWE Superstar tonight, he’ll be fired.  If any WWE Superstar attacks a member of the Nexus, he’ll be suspended.  Now Cena wants a title shot.  The iBooker 9000 books Sheamus vs. Mark Henry for tonight.  Why?  Cena says dorky things, then tells Cole he wants the GM to email him at his gay email address.  The iBooker 9000 says the Raw Money In The Bank participants will be revealed tonight.  The iBooker wants to demonstrate something.  Sheamus says “fuck this” and leaves.  The steel cage is lowered around Cena.  iBooker says at Money In The Bank, Sheamus will defend against Cena in a Steel Cage Match.  Silly segment.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Unified WWE Tag Team Champions The Hart Dynasty & Natalya come out for a match with the Usos and Tamina.  Usos and Tamina jump them and leave them laying before the match ever happens.  Tamina lays out Natalya in the ring and hits the Superfly Splash.  Okay then.

Josh Matthews interviews R-Truth about the Nexus.  Truth says he’s a zookeeper.  Commercials.

Slam of the Week: The Santino Marella/Vladimir Kozlov dance off from 3 weeks ago.  Really?

Vladimir Kozlov vs. Santino Marella.  Kozlov has agreed to become Santino’s partner if Santino beats him.  Santino tries to take Kozlov down and fails.  He succeeds, then Kozlov turns it into a cross armbreaker.  Shockingly, that was actually a nice bit of wrestling.  Kozlov hits the headbutts and the belly to belly suplex for 2.  Santino takes Kozlov down again.  Kozlov hits the Iron Curtain for the pin in 1:23.  Shockingly, there was actually some fun stuff in here.  Kozlov helps Santino up, then lets him fall.  Repeatedly.  William Regal shakes hands with Kozlov, then goes in the ring to beat up Santino.  Kozlov runs back down to make the save for Santino.  Kozlov helps Santino up and carries him to the back.  Are they finally friends now?

Josh Matthews interviews Great Khali (w/ Ranjin Singh) about Nexus.  Singh mistranslates Khali’s words, saying he’s sick of protecting Khali.  Ranjin leaves.  Commercials.

Tomorrow night on NXT, the POLL!

The Liberty Bell!

Guest host (they’re still doing that shit?) Rob Zombie comes out and cuts a promo.  He announcers the eight participants in the Raw Money In The Bank Ladder Match: Randy Orton, The Miz, R-Truth, Chris Jericho, Evan Bourne, Ted Dibiase Jr., John Morrison, and Edge.  That might be pretty good.  Edge appears on the screen.  He actually brings up using one of Rob’s songs as his entrance theme years back.  Edge says he dumped the song, Zombie says he took it away.  Edge talks about winning the first Money In The Bank Ladder Match, which they show footage of, and of him cashing it in to win the WWE Championship 10 months later.  Edge says he’ll win it again this year.  Cole gets another e-mail from the iBooker 9000, announcing that tonight’s main event will be an 8-man tag match featuring the Money In The Bank participants.

Mark Henry is headed our way.  Commercials.

Non-Title: WWE Champion Sheamus vs. Mark Henry (w/ Lucky Cannon).  Cannon comes out to the stage with Henry, looking like a deer in the headlights, then goes back to the back.  Henry and Sheamus brawl.  Sheamus hits a DDT for 2.  Sheamus beats on Henry.  Sheamus chop blocks Henry’s leg, but fails to take him down.  Sheamus tries to knock Henry down, but fails.  Henry hits a big splash for 2, as Sheamus gets his foot on the bottom rope.  Sheamus rolls out of the ring.  Henry follows and press slams Sheamus back into the ring.  Sheamus hits the pump kick for the pin in 2:30.  Lame.

Josh Matthews is backstage with the Nexus (sans-Wade Barrett).  Michael Tarver says they can still make an impact.  Skip Sheffield shoves around some backstage geek, then they laugh maniacally.  Ugh.

Tonight, 8-man mega tag match!  Commercials.

The Money In The Bank theme is some crappy song by some crappy band.

Jerry Lawler is the ring.  They show a trailer for the Ricky Steamboat DVD, which comes out tomorrow!  Ricky Steamboat comes out!  Lawler says some guys wanted to honor Steamboat’s career.  Arn Anderson, Dean Malenko, Mike Rotunda, and Michael Hayes come out!  They all put over Steamboat.  We have some good laughs and a great feel good moment.  The Nexus come out!  Uh oh!  The legends aren’t technically WWE Superstars!  Nexus surround the ring.  The legends fight to keep them out, putting the boots to them as soon as they get in.  They get hold of Anderson and beat the hell out of him.  Malenko gets sent into the barricade.  They kick the shit out of Rotunda.  They surround Lawler, Hayes, and Steamboat, then beat the shit out of them 6 on 3.  It ends up with all of them against Steamboat.  They challenge him to strike, and beat the shit out of him when he does.  Otunga gives Steamboat a spinebuster.  Sheffield hits his murderin’ lariat.  Gabriel hits the 450 splash.  Great segment here.

Moments ago, the Nexus beat the hell out of Legends!

EMTs stretcher Steamboat out and check on the other legends as Cole talks about the Nexus’ dastardly deeds.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

With Lawler incapacitated, Josh Matthews joines Cole for commentary.

WWE Divas Champion Alicia Fox & Maryse vs. Eve Torres & Gail Kim.  I feel like I’ve seen this exact same match 12,000 times.  Fox beats up Torres.  Torres goes for a sunset flip and gets kneed in the face.  Fox beats up Torres some more, then tags in Maryse.  Maryse beats up Torres.  Fox tags in and beats up Torres some more.  Gail gets the hot tag and runs wild on Fox.  Fox bails.  Eve goes after her, but gets sent into the apron.  Gail slaps Maryse.  Fox hits Gail from behind, then hits the scissors kick for the pin in 3:14.  Same old shit.  Fox and Maryse are obviously not getting along.

8-man tag next!

Last week, the Nexus destroyed Vince McMahon!

Philadelphia!

Earlier tonight, the Nexus destroyed some Legends!

Cole and Matthews wonder what’s gonna happen next week.

Edge, Chris Jericho, WWE United States Champion The Miz, & Million Dollar Champion Ted Dibiase Jr. (w/ Maryse) vs. Randy Orton, R-Truth, John Morrison, & Evan Bourne.  Entrances, then commercials.  Morrison and Dibiase stare.  Morrison wants to lock up, but Dibiase kicks him in the gut and stomps on him.  Truth tags in and backdrops Dibiase out of the ring.  Bourne hits a diving kick off of the apron.  Bourne kicks the crap out of Dibiase’s legs.  Miz tags in and Bourne hits an arm drag for 1.  Bourne hits a knee to Miz’s face in the corner for 2.  Dibiase cheap shots Bourne in the heels’ corner.  Jericho tags in and goes to work on his nemesis, Bourne.  Jericho kicks Bounre out of the ring and the heels put the boots to him behind the referee’s back.  Jericho throws Bourne back in the ring and taunts him.  Miz tags back in and stomps on Bourne.  Miz clamps on a rear chin lock.  Bourne fights back.  Miz goes for a suplex, but Bourne blocks it and makes the tag to Morrison.  Morrison runs wild on Miz.  Morrison hits the Flying Chuck and goes for the Starship Pain, but Dibiase pulls Miz out of the ring.  Morrison tags them both out with a dive.  Edge attacks Morrison from behind.  Commercials.  The heels work over Morrison in their corner.  During the break, Jericho hit Morrison with a ladder behind the referee’s back.  The heels take turns beating up Morrison.  Dibiase hits a powerslam on Morrison for 2.  Dibiase applies a rear chin lock.  Edge tags in and puts the boots to Morrison.  Edge goes for the spear, but Morrison avoids it.  Morrison rocks Edge with a kick.  Bourne and Jericho tag in.  Bourne runs wild.  Bourne goes up top, but Jericho cuts him off and goes for a superplex.  Bourne knocks Jericho down and goes for the Shooting Star press, but Jericho avoids it and hits the Codebreaker.  Dibiase and Orton tag in.  Orton hits the RKO for the pin in 15:09.  That was Orton’s first move all match.  Fun match, though.  I do love random 8-man tags.  Everybody brawls after the match.  Bourne hits a dive to the outside on Jericho.  Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale on Morrison.  Miz starts climbing the ladder, but Orton pushes it over.  Orton climbs the ladder and takes the briefcase down.  Orton poses with the briefcase to close the show.

The main event was fun and the Legends beat down was good.  Besides that, this show fucking sucked.

WWE Monday Night Raw 6/14/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 15, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open, “Last week on Raw…” video, then cut to the arena.

Wade Barrett is in the ring.  He says the GM ordered him to come out and apologize.  He calls for the other rookies to come in.  Michael Tarver, Skip Sheffield, Darren Young, Heath Slater, David Otunga, and Justin Gabriel come in through the crowd.  Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and Justin Roberts leave ringside just to be on the safe side.  Barrett calls for each of the rookies to apologize and they all decline.  Barrett says they’re behaving like animals because they were treated like animals on NXT.  Raw GM Bret Hart comes out and talks about the heinous actions they did last week.  Barrett implies that they disposed of Daniel Bryan because he felt remorse for what they did last week.  Well, I guess that’s as good an explanation as any.  The rookies want contracts and first class treatment.  Hart declines and fires Barrett to boot.  He also lets a “WWF” slip in there.  Hart says if they don’t leave, he’ll have the police take them out.  Commercials.

Moments ago, ^ happened.

Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole are the announcers.  They talk about the Fatal 4 Way PPV, and now they’re going to have one on free TV.  How TNA of them!  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

Four-Way Match for the WWE United States Championship: R-Truth (c) vs. John Morrison vs. Zack Ryder vs. The Miz.  The heels jump on the babyfaces.  Morrison sends Ryder outside, then drops Miz with a dropkick.  Truth and Morrison lock up and go at it.  Truth gets a front cradle,  but Ryder saves.  Miz trips Truth from the outside.  Morrison schoolboys Ryder for 2.  Ryder dives outside at Truth and Miz, but they both move.  Miz catches R-Truth with a boot.  Morrison hits Miz with a sunset flip powerbomb out of the ring and into Ryder.  Commercials.  Morrison drops Miz with a big kick for 2.  Another cover for 2.  Ryder goes up top, but Morrison cuts him off and tries a superplex.  R-Truth powerbombs Morrison, who simultaneously superplexes Ryder.  Truth covers all 3 guys in turn for 2.  Miz cradles R-Truth for 2.  Truth hits a front suplex on Morrison.  Truth hits a scissors kick on Ryder for 2, as Miz saves.  Miz low bridges R-Truth out of the ring, then dropkicks Morrison out too.  Miz hits Ryder with a corner lariat.  Morrison pulls Miz out of the ring and hits him with a lariat.  R-Truth comes back in and hits Ryder with the Lie Detector, but Morrison saves.  Morrison and R-Truth send Miz back out as soon as he comes in.  Truth ducks the Flying Chuck and hits a suplex into a stunner for 2, as Ryder saves.  Ryder avoids Truth in the corner and hits the Rough Ryder.  Morrison knees Ryder out of the ring and hits the Starship Pain.  Miz throws Morrison out of the ring and pins R-Truth in 9:04 to regain the title.  Pretty decent little match.

Tonight, Randy Orton takes on Sheamus!  Yeah, let’s make sure Orton is completely crippled by Sunday!

Randy Orton is backstage.  Josh Matthews comes in to interview him.  He says the NXT guys got off lucky.  Commercials.

Charlotte!

They show Big Show filming an episode of Royal Pains.

Guest host Mark Feuerstein of Royal Pains is backstage with the Bella Twins.  Ted Dibiase Jr. and Virgil come in.  Dibiase offers to buy him a new car if he makes hi co-guest host.  Why the fuck would he do that when the guest host has no power?  Feurstein refuses, then gets all tough when he sees that Big Show has arrived to back him up.  Show challenges them to a tag match.  Dibiase accepts.  The heels leave.  Feuerstein talks about being an ice skater and jumps into Show’s arms.  The Bellas leave.  How exactly is Dibiase supposed to get over when everybody he tries to buy off refuses?  Would his dad have ever gotten over if the people he tried to buy off always refused?

John Cena is headed our way!

WWE Rewind (or whichever one it is): Big Show beat Chris Jericho in a stupid body slam match last week, then beat him 2 other ways.

Chris Jericho vs. Evan Bourne.  Jericho goes on the attack immediately.  Bourne hits a rana and a sliding kick for 2.  Jericho clotheslines Bourne for 2.  Jericho hits a backdrop suplex.  Bourne lands on his feet from a second backdrop suplex attempt and hits a running knee strike.  Jericho rolls through a sunset flip attempt and goes for the Walls of Jericho, but Bourne counters.  Bourne gets his weird cradle for 2.  Jericho hits the Codebreaker, but Bourne kicks out!  Jericho puts the boots to Bourne, lightly pushes the referee, and gets DQ’d in 2:49.  Bourne kicks Jericho down from the apron and hits the Shooting Star press.  Good little match while it lasted.

John Cena speaks NEXT!

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

WWE Champion John Cena comes out.  He thanks Bret Hart for not making him wrestle tonight, then talks about last week’s attack.  He calls for the guys to come out and finish it and promises he won’t press charges.  That’s because John Cena is a man, as opposed to being a big vagina like Michael Cole.  The NXT guys come back out through the crowd.  This week some help shows up for Cena.  Cena, Jerry Lawler, William Regal, Santino Marella, R-Truth, Evan Bourne, Mark Henry, Randy Orton, Edge, and Sheamus clean house.  Henry, Santino, and R-Truth chase the NXT guys clear out of the building.  I have no idea where they’re going with this angle now.

Moments ago, ^ happened.

Sheamus is backstage.  Josh Matthews asks him why he just helped John Cena.  Sheamus says he’s not going to let some rookies ruin his title shot.  He’ll be the one taking out Cena.

WWE Rewind: Divas Battle Royal from last week’s Raw.

WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres & Gail Kim vs. Maryse & Alicia Fox.  These 4 will have a four-way match for the title at the PPV.  Eve and Maryse start cat fighting immediately.  Maryse lands a kick for 2 after Eve gets distracted by Fox on the apron.  Fox tags in and the heels hit a double face plant on Eve.  Fox covers for 2.  Fox hits a Northern Lights suplex hold for 2.  The bad girls get heat on Eve.  Fox accidentally kicks Maryse off of the apron.  Eve hits a neckbreaker on Fox for the pin in 2:31.  Gail, the best worker in the match, stood on the apron the whole time.

Tonight, Cena & Orton face Edge & Sheamus for absolutely no reason given that earlier tonight it was announced as being Orton vs. Sheamus in a singles match and Cena said he had the night off.

The Big Show and Mark Feuerstein get ready for their match, which is next.

This week in WWE History: Don Muraco defeated Pedro Morales for the Intercontinental Championship in Philadelphia on June 20, 1981.

The Big Show & Mark Feuerstein vs. Million Dollar Champion Ted Dibiase Jr. & Virgil.  Dibiase tries to take Show down.  He fails.  Show gives Dibiase the Stink Face, of all things.  Dibiase pokes Big Show in the eye to try to get the advantage, but that fails too.  Dibiase tags in Virgil and bails.  Virgil is like “WTF man?”  Show pulls Virgil into the ring.  Virgil bails out the other side.  Feuerstein throws him back in.  Show slams Virgil, then steps on him.  Show chokeslams Virgil and tags in Feuerstein.  Feuerstein deos the Worm and a half assed elbow drop for the pin in 3:55.  This was silly.  Dibiase stuffs a $100 bill on Virgil’s mouth, then takes it back and leaves.  Stupid segment.

Santino Marella vs. William Regal.  Vladimir Kozlov is the Special Guest Referee.  Santino clows around.  Regal nails him with an elbow smash and sets out to maul a fucker in awesome Regal fashion.  Santino gets a quick pinfall with a handful of tights in 1:20.

Bret Hart comes out and says he’s asked every Raw superstar to come out to the stage, presumably to make sure no shenanigans occur during the main event.  William Regal, Santino Marella, Vladimir Kozlov, Goldust, Evan Bourne, The Hart Dynasty, John Morrison, Great Khali, Mark Henry, The Miz, R-Truth, Primo, Ted Dibiase Jr., Yoshi Tatsu, Zack Ryder, and the Usos all come to the backstage.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Edge & Sheamus vs. WWE Champion John Cena & Randy Orton.  Cena and Sheamus start.  Sheamus looks particularly pale this week.  They wrestle around.  Orton tags in and grounds Sheamus with a side headlock.  Edge tags in and beats up Orton briefly.  Orton hits the 3.0 and humps the mat, setting up the RKO.  Edge bails.  Commercials.  Cena makes a comeback on Edge.  Fisherman buster gets 2.  Edge bails again and pulls Cena across the top rope.  Sheamus tags in and beats up Cena.  At one point, Super Cena walks most of the way to his corner with Sheamus on his back, but Sheamus manages to cut him off from making the tag.  Edge tags in to continue the punishment.  Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Edge counters and hits the Edge-O-Matic.  Edge goes for the spear, but Cena avoids.  Orton finally gets the hot tag and runs wild on Sheamus.  Orton hits the DDT OF MURDER and humps the mat.  Edge comes in.  Orton hits him with the RKO.  Sheamus hits Orton with a Polish Hammer, then the uranage backbreaker for 2.  Sheamus keeps the heat on Orton.  Edge tags in to continue the beating.  Cena gets the hot tag and starts to run wild… and it’s a no-contest in about 18 minutes, because…

Cut to the back, where the NXT Season 1 guys are destroying the fuck out of backstage.  Sheffield and Barrett drag Bret Hart into a limo.  The limo backs into some cars in the parking garage.  They pull Hart out of the limo and Barrett tells him they want their contracts by Sunday.  Then they run away.

Lame show with stupid continuity errors.  I hope they don’t fuck up this NXT angle any worse.  We’ll see what happens Sunday.

WWE Monday Night Raw 6/7/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 7, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open.  Cut straight to the arena, where Raw and Smackdown GMs Bret Hart and Teddy Long make their way to the ring.  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are the announcers.

Bret Hart welcomes the people to the Viewer’s Choice Raw.  Go to WWE.com and vote.  Joy.  They announce that the fans will pick the opponents for the participants in the Raw Fatal 4 Way match.  Long says they should talk about Randy Orton.  Orton comes out with his arm in a sling.  He says he wants Edge tonight.  Edge comes out to retort.  Long whispers in Bret’s ear.  Bret agrees to leave it up to the fans.  Long says it will be a debate, a sit-up contest, or a one arm match.  Stupid.  They pick the one armed thing.  I already hate this show.  Long announces that the first match is Chris Jericho vs. The Big Show.  It’s either Over The Top Rope Challenge, Submission Match, or Body Slam Challenge.  Stupid, stupid shit.  Big Show comes out.  Commercials.

Matt Striker reveals the results.  Body Slam Challenge wins.  Lawler is an idiot.

Body Slam Challenge: The Big Show vs. Chris Jericho.  Show is amused.  Jericho looks near tears.  Jericho slaps Show.  Show kicks his ass.  Jericho side steps Show in the corner and tries to slam him but fails, of course.  Show beats up Jericho some more.  Show signals for the KO punch.  Jericho bails.  Show grabs him, but Jericho pulls his arm across the top rope.  Jericho tries to work the arm.  Jericho comes off the top and gets caught with a chop.  Jericho tries a cross body, but Show catches him and slams him for the win in 2:52.  That was stupid.  Show puts Jericho in a camel clutch and Jericho taps out.  Show is announced as the winner again.  Show throws Jericho out of the ring to win again.  This was really, really stupid.

Miami!

Who will the Hart Dynasty face?  The Usos (now named John & Jey) (w/ Tamina), The Dudebusters, or Great Khali & Hornswoggle.  We get short promos from all 3.  Ugh.

WWE.com plug.

Striker reveals the winners… Khali & Hornswoggle.  FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Non-Title: Unified WWE Tag Team Champions The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya) vs. Great Khali & Hornswoggle.  Khali mauls Kidd.  Hornswoggle tags in and goes for the tadpole splash.  Kidd avoids it.  Smith kicks Khali off the apron.  Kidd pins Hornswoggle in 1:18.  This was retarded.  The Usos and Tamina attack the Harts again.  This week, the Harts clean house.

Lawler gets up from the announce table, saying he has a problem.  Cole introduces the Smackdown Rebound, with an angle so shitty is has to be recapped.

Guest hosts the A-Team cast are next.  Well, they can’t make this show any worse.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

The stars of The A-Team are introduces.  Only Bradley Cooper comes out.  He greets the crowd and leaves.  What was the fucking point of that.

Jerry Lawler is backstage looking for someone.  Quinton Jackson and Sharlto Copley find him.  Lawler says somebody stole his crown.  They say they’ll find it.  They go outside and encounter the Bella Twins, but stay in character.  Fuck, I hate this show.

Santino Marella comes out.  He’ll face Vladimir Kozlov in… a match, an arm wrestling match, or a dance off.  Fuck.

Vladimir Kozlov comes out.  Striker reveals the results.  It’s a Dance Off.  Shoot me now.

Santino dances… or comes out of the closet, I’m not sure which.  Kozlov does the robot, I think, and some other retarded shit.  “Vintage Kozlov!”  Cole is a moron.  Kozlov is judged the winner.  Kozlov and Santino dance together, then Kozlov shoves him down.  Ugh.  This show is retarded.

All of the divas are backstage.  Will it be a 12 woman tag, a battle royal, or champion vs. champion?  Can I vote for none of the above?

The Divas come out.  Lawler reveals that it’s gonna be a Battle Royal.

Divas Battle Royal featuring WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres, The Bella Twins, Gail Kim, Tiffany, Kelly Kelly, Maryse, Alicia Fox, Rosa Mendez, Jillian Hall, Michelle McCool, and WWE Women’s Champion Layla.  They fight.  Rosa gets eliminated by one of the Bellas.  McCool and Layla eliminate Tiffany.  McCool eliminates Kelly.  Gail eliminates Fox, then goes over herself.  LayCool eliminate the Bellas.  Eve fights LayCool  and manages to eliminate them both.  Maryse and Jillian beat down Eve.  They eliminate her.  Jillian declares herself and Maryse co-winners, but Maryse eliminates Jillian to win it in 3:55.  This sucked.  Are you surprised?

Cole and Lawler talk about how great all the stupid bullshit I’ve suffered through tonight were.

Sheamus is backstage.  He encounters Kane, who accuses him of turning Undertaker into a cucumber.  Sheamus says if he had done it, he wouldn’t be shy about it.  Kane calls him a liar and hopes to see him soon.

Who will Sheamus face?  Kane, Mark Henry, or Evan Bourne?

Sheamus comes out.  They show him getting pinned by Evan Bourne in the tag match against Bourne & John Cena last week.  Matt Striker reveals Sheamus’ opponent… Kane (with 88%).  Big surprise, right?

Sheamus vs. Kane.  Kane goes on the attack.  Sheamus cuts him off on the top rope and hits an over the shoulder powerslam for 2.  Commercials.  Sheamus puts his knee in Kane’s back and pulls on his arms.  What the fuck is that move called?  Kane gets out and boots Sheamus in the face.  Kane hits a basement dropkick for 2.  Kane hits the diving lariat and goes for the chokeslam, but Sheamus kicks free.  They counter each other until Sheamus hits a reverse DDT backbreaker.  Kane avoids the pump kick and goozles Sheamus out of the ring.  Sheamus comes back in.  Kane hits the chokeslam.  Sheamus rolls out of the ring.  He decides to take the count-out loss in 7:24.  Kane is pissed.  Best match on the show so far, and it wasn’t good either.

Tonight, Orton vs. Edge in a one armed match.

Who will John Cena face tonight?  Jack Swagger, Rey Mysterio, or CM Punk?

Miami.

Wade Barrett hype video.

Savannah interviews Wade Barrett.

Ted Dibiase Jr. bitches to Virgil.  Sharlto Copley and Quinton Jackson come in and accuse him of stealing the crown.  Another retarded segment.  Irwin R. Schyster comes in.  He repo’d the crown because Lawler owed back taxes.  There’s a “gas attack” and Copley passes out.  FUCKING RETARDED.

R-Truth and The Miz are headed out for a tag match.  R-Truth’s partner can be Christian, MVP, or John Morrison.  Miz’s partner can be Dolph Ziggler, William Regal, or Zack Ryder.

WWE Classics on Demand plug.

WWE United States Champion R-Truth makes his entrance.  His partner is… John Morrison.  Black Magic and the White Shadow reunite!

Lawler votes for William Regal to be Miz’s partner.  So did I.  Miz comes out and cuts a promo.  His partner is… Zack Ryder.  Really?

WWE United States Champion R-Truth & John Morrison vs. The Miz & Zack Ryder.  Miz and Truth start.  Miz does his jumping around, then tags in Morrison.  They hit a double hip toss.  Morrison nips up and tags Truth immediately back in.  They hit a double suplex.  Miz boots R-Truth in the face and tags in Ryder.  Ryder hits a neckbreaker on Truth, then tags in Miz.  Lots of quick tags.  Miz beats up Truth for a bit.  Morrison tags in and runs wild.  Morrison knees Miz in the face for 2, as Ryder saves.  R-Truth and Ryder are sent outside.  Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale on Morrison for the pin in 3:21.  It was okay, but rushed.

Edge bitches to Bret Hart backstage.  Hart encounters Kane, who of course, accuses him of turning Undertaker into a head of lettuce.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

One Arm Match: Edge vs. Randy Orton.  Orton’s arm is in a sling and Edge has an arm tied behind his back.  Orton ducks a clothesline, side steps a boot, and clotheslines Edge.  Orton does the Garvin Stomp.  Orton humps the mat and goes for the RKO.  Edge avoids it and hits a shoulder block.  Edge unties his arm and attacks Orton.  The ref tries to pull him back, then DQs  Edge in 1:35.  Edge goes for the spear, but Orton kicks him in the head, then kicks him out of the ring.  Orton follows Edge outside.  Edge attacks Orton’s arm with a chair.  I don’t think this stupid shit they keep having Orton do is going to be good for his shoulder.  This whole thing was stupid.

Cole and Lawler recap this shitty show, of which there is unfortunately still another hour.  They show “highlights” just to kill time.

John Cena will face either Jack Swagger, Rey Mysterio, or CM Punk, but voting isn’t until later.  Ugh.

NXT season 2 starts tomorrow.  Joy.

Miami.

Earlier tonight, this show sucked.  It still sucks.  Also, Edge vs. Randy Orton happened.

John Cena and Evan Bourne chat backstage.  Bourne leaves and Savannah interviews Cena.

The stupid A-Team guy wakes up.  Mean Gene Okerlund interviews him.  He’s still in character and things Gene is the old guy character.  Josh Matthews is there too.  This was fucking retarded, just like everything on this fucking show.

Drew McIntyre comes out.  Teddy Long introduces the candidates for his opponent: Yoshi Tatsu, Goldust, and a mystery opponent who is obviously Matt Hardy.  I want to see McIntyre vs. Rampage.

Striker reveals McIntyre’s opponent…. the mystery man (with 88%).  It’s Matt Hardy, to the shock of absolutely nobody.

McIntyre says the match isn’t happening because Hardy is suspended.  Teddy Long says Hardy is suspended from Smackdown, not Raw.  I love loopholes.

Drew McIntyre vs. Matt Hardy.  Hardy kicks McIntyre’s ass.  The referees celebrate them.  Hardy clotheslines McIntyre out of the ring and kicks his ass out there.  Back inside, McIntyre drops Hardy with a big boot.  Hardy avoids McIntyre in the corner and McIntyre spears the post.  Hardy hits the Twist of Fate for the pin in 1:26, then bashes McIntyre’s head against the mat.  The referee tries to separate them.  McIntyre finally manages to run away, getting some of his hair pulled out in the process.

Rampage Jackson is handcuffed to a chair backstage.  Dibiase, Virgil, and IRS are holding him captive.  They’re gonna take him to the ring and answer something.  Ugh.  This shit is retarded.

Ted Dibiase Jr., Virgil, and King Irwin R. Schyster have Rampage Jackson handcuffed to the top rope.  Dibiase says even he has a price.  Somebody hired him to capture his character from the A-Team.  It’s “Rowdy” Roddy Piper!  That’s hilarious.  Piper is still holding a grudge. He cuts a typically great Piper promo on Rampage.  The A-Team music plays.  Dusty Rhodes, Gene Okerlund, and Sharlto Copley come out in a golf cart.  Rampage breaks free and hits a spinebuster on Dibiase.  Rhodes hits the Bionic Elbow on IRS.  Piper shoves Virgil into Rampage to get chokeslammed.  Mean Gene interviews the A-Team and Dusty.  Also, they finally recover Lawler’s crown.  At least this segment was funny.  First time in a while one of these stupid guest host segments was funny.

Voting for the Cena match is open now.

Next week the guest host is the guy from Royal Pains.

Cole and Lawler say it’s been a fantastic show.  This is a lie.  Lawler votes for Mysterio to face Cena.  So did I.

Josh Matthews interviews the choices: Rey Mysterio Jr., World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger, and CM Punk (w/ The Straight Edge Society).

WWE Champion John Cena comes out.  Striker reveals his opponent, CM Punk.

Non-Title: WWE Champion John Cena vs. CM Punk (w/ Luke Gallows & Serena).  Cena goes for the mask and Punk bails.  Cena schools Punk some more.  They do some nice counter wrestling.  Cena goes for the mask again and Punk bails again.  Back inside, Punk lands some knees and attacks Cena’s mid-section.  Sweet dropkick to the back of the head gets 2.  Punk applies a figure-four head scissors.  Cena tries to make a comeback, but Gallows trips him.  Commercials.  Cena escapes a hold and goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Punk hits a DDT for 2.  Punk throws Cena out of the ring.  Serena gets her cheap shot in.  Back inside, Punk lands some kicks on Cena.  Cena makes his comeback.  When he goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, Wade Barrett comes out to distract him.  He hits it anyway, then goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but gets distracted by Barrett approaching the ring.  The rest of the NXT season 1 guys (Heath Slater, Michael Tarver, David Otunga, Skip Sheffield, Daniel Bryan, Justin Gabriel, and Darren Young) come through the crowd and beat the hell out of the Straight Edge Society, then get in the ring.  Otunga decks the referee.  Cena goes on the attack, but it’s 8 on 1, so he gets destroyed.  The rookies attack Striker and the announcers and demolish the ringside area.  The bell finally rings at 11:58.  I assume it’s a no-contest.  The rookies beat up all of the ringside personnel.  The rookies start tearing the ring apart.  Cena tries to fight back, but gets beaten down again.  The NXT guys take turns hitting moves on him.  They beat the hell out of Punk some more.  Sheffield clotheslines Cena.  Danielson screams “You are not better than me!” at Cena.  Danielson tropes Cena with a kick.  Barrett hits his shitty finish on Cena.  Gabriel hits the 450 splash.  The NXT guys finally leave, having completely devastated the ring and surrounding area.  Doctors check on Cena.  EMTs come out to stretcher Cena out.  Nobody seems concerned with the dead announcers and such.

This show was the absolute drizzling shits up until the main event, which was a good match.  The ending angle was interesting, and I’m very curious about where this is going.

WWE Monday Night Raw 5/31/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 3, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open.

Cut straight to the arena, where Edge is beating the shit out of Evan Bourne.  Bourne hits his double knees and lands some kicks.  Bourne goes for the Shooting Star press, but Edge avoids it and spears Bourne.  Edge takes the mic and cuts a promo about his Fatal 4 Way opponents.  Randy Orton comes out.  Edge bitches at him while acting all crazy.  Orton hits the RKO, then poses.

Tonight, John Cena & Randy Orton vs. Edge & Sheamus.  Also, guest host Ashton Kutcher.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Ashton Kutcher bitches to Eve Torres about Zack Ryder talking smack about him on Twitter.  He’s going to put a hit on Ryder.  The Miz comes in.  Kutcher tells him that per GM Bret Hart, Miz has a match against Daniel Bryan tonight(!!!).  Miz says he’ll beat Bryan to a bloody pulp.  Some other stupid bickering.

Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are the announcers.  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

Non-Title: WWE United States Champion R-Truth vs. Chris Jericho.  Jericho points at Truth.  Truth dances.  They lock up.  Jericho grabs a side headlock.  Truth hops around and hits a hip toss.  Truth catapults Jericho out of the ring and takes him out with a dive.  Commercials.  Jericho has Truth in a rear chin lock.  Boy, that was unpredictable.  Truth fights out and schoolboys Jericho for 2.  Jericho hits an enzuigiri for 2.  Jericho beats up Truth.  Truth hits a forearm and makes his comeback.  Truth hits a flying head scissors and a big boot for 2.  Jericho hits the bulldog.  Truth avoids the Lionsault.  Jericho avoids the scissors kick and goes for the Walls of Jericho, but Truth counters it.  Truth botches a front suplex for 2.  Jericho pokes Truth in the eye behind the referee’s back and hits a clothesline for 2.  Truth does some more break dancing shit.  Jericho locks in the Walls of Jericho, but Truth turns it into a cradle for the pin in 9:47.  Good match.  Jericho looks distraught.

Cena & Orton vs. Edge & Sheamus tonight.

NXT finale is tomorrow!

Last week, Batista quit and Bret Hart was introduced as the new GM.

Zack Ryder and Alicia Fox are in Bret’s office.  Ryder accuses Bret of being hired to take him out.  Well, he is the Hitman.  The Hart Dynasty and Natalya come in and talk about the Usos, who debuted attacking the Hart Dynasty next week.  Bret tells them to deal with it.

Santino Marella and Eve Torres come out.  They’re in a tag match next.  Eve looks a tit bit nipply tonight.

Santino Marella & WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres vs. William Regal (w/ Vladimir Kozlov) & Maryse.  Santino takes the mic before the match and tries again to talk Kozlov into teaming with him.  Santino says Eve will make love to him.  Eve quickly refutes that.  Whatever.  Maryse and Eve start.  Eve completely whiffs a dropkick.  Regal and Santino come in.  Santino fucks around.  Regal kicks his ass, which is glorious.  Regal hits an Exploder, then locks in the Regal Stretch.  Eve breaks it up.  Maryse tackles her, which distracts the ref.  Kozlov comes in and hits the Iron Curtain on Regal.  Kozlov and Maryse leave.  Santino pins Regal in 2:30.  Fun times.

Bret Hart is headed our way.

Memorial Day dedication.

Raw GM Bret Hart comes out.  He announces next week’s 3 hour Raw, with Raw and Smackdown talent, and they’re taking ideas from fans and wrestlers.  Sure they are.  Ted Dibiase Jr. and Virgil come out.  Dibiase wants to buy the GM job for the night.  Ashton Kutcher appears on the screen and proposes that next week’s Raw be Viewer’s Choice.  Bret agrees.  Vince McMahon comes out.  So much for his character being done after WrestleMania.  Dibiase and Virgil leave while Vince gets in the ring with Bret.  Vince talks to Bret for a while, then says the fans are like children.  He wishes Bret luck, then calls for cheers for himself and prances around the ring.  Stupid segment.

Zack Ryder accuses Randy Orton of being the one to take him out.  They leave.  Edge slams Orton’s locker room door into Orton’s injured shoulder.

University of Texas!

Moments ago, Edge hurt Randy Orton’s bad shoulder.

The Miz vs. Daniel Bryan.  They show the altercations between Cole and Bryan and Miz and Bryan on NXT last week.  Cole is in fine form tonight.  Danielson is in full MMA mode and it’s awesome.  Miz avoids Danielson in the corner and drops him with a lariat to the back of the head, then kicks his ass, then kicks him in the head for 2.  Miz beats on Bryan some more.  Miz hits a diving double axe handle.  Miz lands some more punches.  Danielson locks on a crossface hold.  Miz turns it into a pinning predicament.  Danielson counters into a crucifix hold for the pin in 2:07.  Cole looks dumbfounded.  Miz jumps Bryan and throws him out of the ring.  Miz tries to make Danielson apologize to Cole.  Danielson rams Miz’s face into the table, then throws him into Cole.  Fucking awesome, everything about this.  Just fucking hate filled awesomeness.

NXT finale is tomorrow!

Cole whines to Lawler.

Slam of the Week: Last Monday, the debuting Uso Brothers and Tamina jumped the Hart Dynasty and Natalya.

The Usos and Tamina are in the ring.  The introduce themselves (using the names Jay and Jimmy Uso).  They talk about their own family history, going back to the Wild Samoans.  They’re not stereotypical Samoans because they act black.  Tamina talks about the lack of respect their families get compared to the Harts.  She’s bitter that her dad, Jimmy Snuka, was in the corner in the main event at WrestleMania I.  The Hart Dynasty and Natalya come out and brawl with them.  They go for the Hart Attack on one of the Usos, but Tamina trips Kidd.  Usos lay out the Harts again and hit their splashes in triplicate.  Good segment.

Earlier tonight, Edge hurt Orton’s shoulder.  Yes, they showed it again.  WILL Orton be able to take part in the main event?

Zack Ryder and Alicia Fox come to the ring.  He demands that Kutcher reveal who the hitman is.  Jerry Lawler comes into the ring with a chair, sits down, and leaves.  Great Khali comes out.  Is Kutcher even at the arena?  They’ve only shown him on the screen.  Ryder and Fox bail.  Kutcher says Khali isn’t the hitman.  Goldust comes out.  Not him either.  Ryder begs Kutcher to tell him who it is.  Ashton says he’ll never see it coming.  Fox says she’s tired of the joke, then drops the mic.  Ryder bends over to pick it up.  Fox hits him with her scissors kick.  Stupid segment.

Edge and Sheamus chat backstage.

This Week In WWE History: Junkyard Dog.  This week is the 12th anniversary of his death.

Next week’s guest hosts are the cast of the A-Team: Quinton “Rampage” Jackson, Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, and Sharlto Copley.  The show will be Viewer’s Choice.

Entrances for the main event.  Orton is out of the match from Edge’s attack, which we see for the trillionth time tonight.  John Cena introduces his replacement partner, Evan Bourne!

Edge & Sheamus vs. WWE Champion John Cena & Evan Bourne.  Cena and Edge lock up.  Edge beats up Cena early on.  Bourne takes in and takes down Edge with a cool arm move.  Bourne hits some ranas and a spin kick.  Edge bails.  Commercials.  Cena beats up Sheamus.  Bourne tags in and hits a running taint to the corner for 2.  Edge tags in and beats up Bourne.  Sheamus tries to suplex Bourne, but gets countered.  Sheamus cuts off Bourne from making the tag and nails him with the Polish hammer for 2.  Bourne continues to play face in peril.  Bourne drops Edge and makes the hot tag to Cena.  Cena runs wild on Sheamus, who also tags in.  Cena avoids the pump kick and Bourne kicks Sheamus in the head from the apron.  Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment, then avoids a spear from Edge.  Bourne tags in and hits the Shooting Star press on Sheamus for the pin in 11:18!  Yay!  Pretty good little tag match, and it’s awesome to see Bourne get a big win.  Cena and Bourne celebrate.

Good show overall, by Raw standards.

WWE Monday Night Raw 5/24/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 30, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open, Cena/Batista Over The Limit highlights, Raw open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are the announcers LIVE from Toledo, Ohio!  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

Batista comes to the ring, wounded and helped by referees.  He sits in a wheelchair and demands his spotlight.  He says he only said “I Quit” last night because his life was in danger.  He’s contemplating a lawsuit against John Cena, WWE, and all of the fans.  He says his injuries could keep him out for years.  Everyone cheers.  Then he says he wants a rematch.  Justin Roberts interrupts to introduces the new Raw General Manager, Bret Hart!  Hart says he’s in charge now and at Fatal 4 Way, John Cena will defend the WWE Championship against three opponents that will have to win qualifying matches tonight.  Batista says he’s hurt.  Hart says Batista’s opponent will be another hurt man, Randy Orton.  Batista says Bret can’t make him compete.  Hart says he can either take it or forfeit.  Batista says if Hart does that, he’ll quit.  Bret says Orton wins by forfeit and leaves.  Batista yells about how important he is and quits.  Crowd cheers.  Yay!  Batista leaves as the crowd sings the goodbye song.

WWE.com plug.

Moments ago, Batista quit.

Fatal 4 Way Qualifying Match: Mark Henry vs. Sheamus.  Henry overpowers Sheamus to start and throws him out of the ring.  Sheamus pulls Henry’s arm over the top rope.  Sheamus goes on the attack and works Henry’s arm.  Henry makes a comeback.  Henry hits a big splash for 2.  Sheamus goes up top.  Henry tries to press slam him, but it hurts his arm.  Sheamus hits the pump kick for the pin in 4:03.  It was a match.

So far, the PPV match is Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. Sheamus.

Being the new GM, Bret Hart has vacated the United States Championship.  Tonight, The Miz vs. R-Truth for the vacant title!

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Tonight, Jon Lovitz’s Superstar Search.  Fuch.

Jon Lovitz talks to Mr. McMahon on the phone.  Maryse comes in.  Lovitz thinks she’s the masseuse.  He says he’s been teaching a submission move to Santino.  He speaks French to her.  She’s interested in something.  He blows her off.  She jumps at him and he flinches.  Fucking retarded segment.

Bret Hart talks to Edge, who wants a title shot.  They negotiate.  Chris Jericho comes in.  He also wants a title shot.  Bret says they’ll face John Cena in a Triple Threat Match tonight, and if one of them wins, they’re in the Fatal 4 Way.  Edge says he’s a better champion and Canadian than both Hart and Jericho.  Jericho tells Hart not to make an enemy out of him.  Whatever.

Slam of the Week: Eve Torres beat Maryse to retain the Divas Title at Over The Limit.

Maryse & Alicia Fox vs. WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres & Gail Kim.  Fox and Gail go at it.  Maryse tags in and beats up Gail.  Eve gets the hot tag and runs wild on Maryse.  Eve hits a standing moonsault.  Fox saves.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Fox kicks Eve and Maryse hits the DDT for the pin in 2:04.  Whatever.

Last week, Bret Hart beat The Miz for the United States Championship in a ludicrous match.  Now the title is vacant, but will be decided NEXT!

WWE United States Championship Match: R-Truth vs. The Miz.  R-Truth raps during his entrance and Miz cuts a promo during his.  Miz plays chickenshit, then cheap shots R-Truth to get the early advantage.  Truth responds with his wacky strikes and gets a front cradle for 2.  Miz bails.  Insta-commercials.  Miz beats up Truth on the outside.  Crowd chants “BORING!”  During the break, R-Truth failed a suicide dive and landed on his head.  Back in the ring, cover gets 2.  Miz beats up Truth.  Truth hits a spider German suplex for 2.  Truth makes his comeback.  Missile dropkick gets 2.  Complete Shot gets 2.  Truth hits a diving cross body, but Miz rolls through for 2.  Miz hits the reverse DDT backbreaker and goes for the neckbreaker, but Truth gets a backslide for 2.  Truth gets an inside cradle for 2.  Miz avoids the scissors kick, but Truth hits the Lie Detector for the pin (7:14 shown) to win the United States Championship!  Pretty good match.

Earlier tonight, the Batista stuff happened.

Tonight, Cena vs. Jericho vs. Edge.

Josh Matthews interviews the WWE Champion, John Cena.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Jon Lovitz comes out flanked by the Bella Twins.  They’re going to judge this stupid thing.  This guy is so fucking annoying and needs to fuck off and die, then fuck off again.  Great Khali and Ranjin Singh “sing.”  Jillian Hall comes out and Lovitz hits the buzzer before she can do anything.  Thank God for that.  He calls for the fans to show talent.  Some guy named Joe says he can pull his eye out of his face.  The guy pulls his glass eye out.  Gross.  Million Dollar Champion Ted Dibiase Jr. and Virgil come out.  Thank God.  Dibiase offers to buy the guy’s eyeball.  He says he can’t sell it.  Santino Marella comes out.  Marella threatens to use Lovitz’s submission hold to Virgil.  Lovitz babbles.  Marella does the Vulcan nerve pinch thing and takes out Virgil.  He tries it on Dibiase, but fails.  Dibiase hits the Dream Street.  Lovitz declares Dibiase the winner of the talent contest.  Stupidest fucking segment ever.

Cole and Lawler talk about everything that’s going on.  Earlier tonight, Sheamus beat Mark Henry.

Non-Title: Unified WWE Tag Team Champions The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya) vs. William Regal & Vladimir Kozlov.  Regal clobbers Kidd with an elbow.  Kozlov tags in and hits a powerslam for 2.  Kidd fights out of a Canadian backbreaker and kicks Kozlov in the head.  Smith tags in and beats up Kozlov.  Kozlov counters the running powerslam and tags in Regal.  Smith avoids the knee trembler and makes the tag.  Hart Attack.  Kidd pins Regal in 1:20.  The Uso Brothers and Tamina make their debut by jumping the Hart Dynasty, laying them out, and hitting stereo Superfly splashes.

Josh Matthews interviews the remaining NXT rookies: Wade Barrett, Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel, and David Otunga.  Gabriel says Slater should be eliminated.  Barrett agrees.  Slater thinks Otunga should go.  Otunga says Slater should go.

They show the greatness that was Daniel Bryan beating up Michael Cole on NXT last week.  Cole says if Daniel Bryan doesn’t apologize tomorrow night, he’s going to sue him.

Edge and Chris Jericho bicker backstage.

John Cena is headed our way!  The main event is NEXT!

Next week’s guest host is Ashton Kutcher.  He can’t be worse than the fucknut we had to endure tonight.

Triple Threat Fatal 4 Way Qualifying Match: WWE Champion John Cena vs. Edge vs. Chris Jericho.  Cena goes on the attack.  Jericho schoolboys him for 2.  Cena keeps fighting.  He clotheslines Edge out of the ring.  Jericho goes for the Walls of Jericho, but Cena counters and clotheslines him out of the ring too.  Insta-commercials.  Edge and Jericho beat up Cena.  Jericho sends Edge out of the ring and beats up Cena some more.  Suplex gets 2.  Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Jericho DDTs him.  Cena avoids Jericho in the corner and Jericho spears the post.  Cena makes his comeback.  He fails the Attitude Adjustment again, I think.  Edge spears Jericho.  Cena locks Edge in the STF.  Jericho puts Cena in the Walls of Jericho.  Edge breaks free.  Jericho puts Edge in the Walls of Jericho.  Cena breaks it.  Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment on Jericho.  Edge spears Cena.  Delayed cover.  Jericho breaks it and goes for the Walls again.  Edge counters and gets an inside cradle for 2.  Jericho hits Edge with an enzuigiri.  Cena clotheslines Jericho.  Cena and Edge counter each other.  Jericho hits the Codebreaker on Cena.  Edge spears Jericho for the pin (7:32 shown).  Edge qualifies for Fatal 4 Way.  Sheamus and Randy Orton come out so the Fatal 4 Way participants can all stare at each other.

Okay show overall.  A couple of things were good and some stuff was meh, but the Jon Lovitz stuff was motherfucking horrible.  They need to end the guest host shit NOW.