Archive for The Band

TNA iMPACT! 6/17/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 18, 2010 by Grappleholic

Here we go again…

Slammiversary highlights.

“Anderson’s Agenda”

Eric Bischoff announces that The Band has been stripped of the TNA World Tag Team Championship because of Scott Hall being a fuck up.  A tournament will start tonight, with the winners facing the Motor City Machine Guns at Victory Road.  Why is the Band being stripped of the titles when they still have 2 members to defend them?

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Tournament – Round 1: The Band vs. Ink Inc.  The Band jump Ink Inc. before they can even get in the ring.  They’re understandably pissed about this BS, I presume.  Nash and Young take turns beating on Neal.  Young hits the diving elbow drop on Neal for 2.  Moore finally gets the hot tag and runs wild on Young.  Moore hits a spinning kick for 2.  Young Flair flips in the corner and tries to go up top, but Moore cuts him off.  Moore decks Nash on the apron, then hits a half assed top rope Frankensteiner on Young.  Cover, but Nash saves.  Nash tries to set up Moore for the powerbomb, but Neal spears him.  Neal lifts Young in a fireman’s carry and Moore comes off the top with a neckbreaker.  Moore gets the pin in Young in 6:06.  This was pretty meh.

Tenay and Taz talk about what went down at Slammiversary.  Tonight, Abyss vs. Mr. Anderson vs. Jeff Hardy in a #1 Contender Match.

Ric Flair, AJ Styles, Beer Money, Desmond Wolfe, and Kazarian come out to the stage.  Flair’s gonna make an announcement NEXT!  Commercials.!

Chelsea tells Abyss she wants to be with him now.  Abyss tells her to go back to Desmond.  He says she won’t want to be around him after tonight.

Ric Flair and friends are now in the ring.  He announces that their new group is called Fortune.  He then proceeds to tell his new group how much better the Four Horsemen were than them.  He calls Desmond the Lex Luger of the group.  BURN!  He bitches at Styles for losing to Jay Lethal.  Lethal comes out SUITED UP!  Lethal does his fantastic Flair impersonation.  Flair takes off his jacket and throws a shoe at Lethal.  Who throws a shoe, honestly?  Lethal beats up his jacket in response.  They have a Flair Off.  This is hilarious.  Desmond challenges Lethal to a match tonight.  Lethal retorts with something about Chelsea and agrees to the match.  Flair wants to fight Lethal.  Flair tells Wolfe to take care of business tonight or he’s out of Fortune.

Lacey Von Erich gets a massage.

Anderson vs. Abyss vs. Hardy TONIGHT!

Mr. Anderson arrives at the building.  Some dude annoys him with stupid questions.

Hernandez vs. Samoa Joe.  They lock up.  Joe hammers Hernandez with a flurry of punches and stomps.  Joe rocks Hernandez with a big kick.  Hernandez tries to fight back, but Joe drops him again.  Hernandez finally makes a comeback.  Hernandez sends Joe outside.  Matt Morgan comes in behind the referee’s back and hits Hernandez in the balls.  Joe hits an Exploder for the pin in 3:04.  This was lame.  As Joe is leaving, he sees Morgan’s interference replayed in the screen.  He comes back to kick some ass, but Morgan runs away.

AJ Styles talks to Desmond Wolfe backstage.  He tells him to get his woman in line.

Jeff Hardy talks backstage.  Mr. Anderson comes in, just to establish that they’re “good friends” now.

TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams cuts a promo in the ring.  He says he’s redefined the X Division, or something.

Non-Title: TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams vs. Max Buck.  Williams displays his superior wrestling skills.  Buck displays his superior flippyness.  Williams hits a snap, side, and Exploder suplex in quick succession for 2.  Williams goes for his tornado DDT, but Buck avoids it and hits a Diamond Dust for 2.  Williams lands a European uppercut and the jumping tornado DDT for the pin in 2:56.  Decent match while it lasted.  Williams locks in a cravat hold after the match.  Brian Kendrick runs in and locks Williams in a cobra clutch.

Jeff Jarrett/Sting video.  They’ll have some kind of confrontation tonight.

They show the unveiling of JAKK’s new TNA action figure line.

The returning Angelina Love cuts a promo in the ring.  She’s going to beat all of the Beautiful People one by one leading to a title match at the PPV, apparently.

Angelina Love vs. TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champion Lacey Von Erich.  Love jumps Lacey immediately and kicks her ass.  Lacey gets a move in and hurts Love’s nose.  Love gets pissed.  Lacey beats on her for a bit and does the corner punches, but Love powerbombs her.  Love goes outside and roughly removes So Cal Val from her chair and brings the chair into the ring.  Love DDTs Lacey on the chair and gets DQ’d in 2:42.  This sucked and was pointless.

Jay Lethal talks to Hulk Hogan backstage.  I hate this stupid, poorly shot backstage segments that are supposed to make it look more real.

Still to come, Jarrett calls out Sting and Abyss vs. Anderson vs. Hardy.!

Christy Hemme interviews Jeff Hardy.  Mr. Anderson interrupts because they’re best buddies now.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Tournament – Round 1: Team 3D vs. Beer Money.  3D are not getting alone after what happened at the PPV.  Storm is rolling on the Boozer Cruiser again!  Devon and Roode start.  Roode avoids a leg drop and hits the Mr. Perfect head snap.  Devon avoids a charge in the corner and hits a clothesline.  Ray tags in.  3D hit a double team move on Roode for 2.  The crowd’s “YOU’RE A DOUCHEBAG!” chant distracts Bubba.  Storm tags in and gets the advantage.  Ink Inc. come out to join Tenay and Taz.  3D double team Storm.  Beer Money double team Devon.  Double suplex.  BEER!  MONEY!  Ray comes in and all 4 brawl.  3D hit the Doomsday Device on Roode.  Devon covers for 2.  3D set up the 3D, but Ray realizes that Ink Inc. are at the announce table and leaves to go brawl with them.  Storm spits beer on Devon’s face and Roode schoolboys Devon for the pin in 4:14.  This was okay.

Desmond Wolfe tells Chelsea to get her ass in line, in so many words.  Commercials.

Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. Jay Lethal.  As Lethal poses on the turnbuckles, Wolfe pushes him out the ring.  This somehow starts the match.  Tommy Dreamer is in the crowd again.  Wolfe yells at Chelsea.  Lethal fights back and the screen is obscured by live event graphics.  Wolfe hits the Divorce Court, then yells at Chelsea some more.  Chelsea starts to leave, then trips on the ramp because she has no coordination at all.  Lethal comes up the ramp and kicks Wolfe’s ass back the ring as Chelsea makes her escape.  Lethal hits a handspring elbow.  Wolfe sends him into the middle turnbuckle.  Lethal ducks a shot and hits his backdrop neckbreaker for the pin in 2:16.  This was more of an angle than a match.  Dreamer applauds Lethal.  Wolfe jumps Lethal after the match and attacks his arm.  Ric Flair comes down and chops Lethal while Wolfe holds him up.  Flair hits Lethal in the balls.  Hulk Hogan comes out to run off the heels and raises Lethal’s hand.  Hogan puts over Lethal and calls for Flair to come back out.  Hogan books Flair vs. Lethal at Victory Road.  Flair is upset about this for some reason.

Sting is coming down from his club house.  Something with him and Jeff Jarrett is next.

New Top 10 rankings: #10 Kurt Angle, #9 Desmond Wolfe, #8 The Pope, #7 Jay Lethal, #6 Samoa Joe, #5 Sting, #4 AJ Styles.  The three-way tonight will determine the top 3.  These rankings are arbitrary and pointless.

Jeff Jarrett calls out Sting.  Sting comes out.  Jarrett asks him to take his sunglasses off, presumably so they can stare lovingly at each other.  Jarrett talks history for a while, then says Sting made a mistake by leaving him standing.  Actually, Jarrett was very much not standing.  Jarrett says their rematch is next week and he’ll be fighting for Hogan, Bischoff, and the fans.  Oh whatever.  Commercials.

Three-Way TNA World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contender Match: Ken Anderson vs. Abyss vs. Jeff Hardy.  Hardy and Anderson work together to take out the big guy.  Abyss catches Hardy trying the do the Poetry In Motion, but Anderson cuts him off from doing anything.  They also stop Abyss from hitting a double chokeslam.  Anderson and Hardy hit a double suplex.  Hardy and Anderson argue over who is going to get the pin.  Abyss clotheslines them both.  Anderson punches Abyss to no effect.  Abyss squashes Anderson in the corner and charges Hardy in the opposite corner, but Hardy avoids him and hits the Whisper In the Wind.  Hardy sends Abyss to the outside  and fights to keep him out there.  Anderson teases attacking Hardy from behind, but goes after Abyss instead.  Hardy takes out Abyss with a dive.  Anderson grounds and pounds Abyss.  The referee counts all 3 of them out in 3:52.  That’s fucking retarded.  Abyss starts beating the hell out of both of them.  Abyss throws Hardy and Anderson back in the ring, then sends Hardy right back out for no reason.  Abyss hits the Shock Treatment on Anderson.  Abyss attacks Hardy with a Singapore cane, then pours broken glass in the ring.  He canes the crap out of Anderson.  Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam onto the glass.  Geeze!  Poor Anderson.  That shit can’t be fun.  Hardy tries to fight back against Abyss in the ramp, but Abyss chokeslams him off the stage.  Hulk Hogan comes out and is like “WTF man?”  Abyss points at Hogan.  End of show.  Lovely, yet another nonsensical heel turn in TNA.

This show sucked.  This promotion sucks.  I don’t know why I force myself to suffer through it every week.

TNA iMPACT! 6/10/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 11, 2010 by Grappleholic

Ugh, here we go again.

“Last week on iMPACT!..” music video.

“A Flair For The Dramatic.”

Pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.  Tonight, Kurt Angle returns to the ring!  Also, they’ll show “never before seen footage” of Sting’s attack on Jeff Jarrett of Sacrifice.  Probably the exact same footage they showed last week, but now it’s never been seen.

AJ Styles, Desmond Wolfe, Kazarian, and Beer Money come out.  Styles says that he’s in charge in Flair’s absence.  He says they’re in an 8-man tag, then does some first grade math.  He says 5 guys in a group doesn’t work, and makes reference to the Beatles, the Fantastic 4, and the Four Horsemen.  He tries to kick Kazarian out of the group.  Jay Lethal comes out, this week playing the role of Ric Flair.  He does do a great Flair impersonation.  Lethal introduces his team for the 8-man tag: Abyss and Mr. Anderson.  Styles notes that that’s only 3.  Lethal says Abyss counts as 2.  The faces rush the ring and brawl with the 5 heels.  To the shock of absolutely no one, Jeff Hardy makes the save (running in through the crowd).  Man, this show is horribly written.

Weird backstage video promo with Brian Kendrick.

Brian Kendrick vs. Homicide.  Yes, Homicide is still employed.  TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams comes out to do commentary.  They lock up.  Homicide lands some punches that Kendrick sells like shotgun blasts.  Kendrick fights back.  Homicide goes for the Cop Killa, but Kendrick counters.  Homicide beats up Kendrick some more.  Homicide hits an Exploder for 2.  Homicide hits a Michinoku Driver II for 2.  Homicide continues beating up Kendrick.  Homicide unwraps his wrist tape to use.  The referee takes it away, so Homicide uses the tap from the other wrist to choke Kendrick.  Kendrick makes a comeback.  He knocks Homicide out to the ramp and ramps his head into the ramp.  Homicide empties out a toolbox from under the ring and grabs a screwdriver.  The referee takes it away.  Kendrick kicks Homicide in the face for the pin in 6:02.  Very oddly structured match.  At least Kendrick didn’t do the job right before his PPV title shot.

Ink Inc. and Team 3D are in the back.  Apparently Moore, Devon, and security are trying to hold Ray and Neal back from fighting.

Ink Inc. are in the ring.  Neal calls out Brother Ray.  Team 3D come out.  Agents (including Terry Taylor and Pat Kenney) try to keep order.  Neal accuses Bubba of laying them out and putting cards on them.  Bubba cuts a promo about how great he is and how Neal is nothing, just to show what a big prick he is.  Bubba calls more a bitch.  Moore calls Bubba a bully and a douchebag.  Well, he’s right.  Moore calls Devon Bubba’s puppet.  Devon cuts a promo on Moore, then tells Bubba to get his head straight and leave Neal alone.  Devon leaves.  Ray cheap shots Neal and runs away.

Slammiversary commercial.

They show Sting’s beat down of Jeff Jarrett from Sacrifice.  Fast forward.

Jeff Jarrett comments NEXT!

Eric Bischoff and Miss Tessmacher are with Matt Morgan backstage.  Morgan wants to know who his partner is at Slammiversary.  Bischoff says he has a partner for Morgan and his tag title rematch is next.

Jeff Jarrett talks about Sting destroying him.

Matt Morgan comes out.  Hulk Hogan follows and talks about Morgan being a prick.  He introduces Morgan’s partner, the returning Hernandez.  Hernandez kicks Morgan’s ass.  Hogan joins Tenay and Taz for commentary.  Hernandez chokes Morgan with his towel.  Hogan books Hernandez vs. Morgan for Slammiversary.  Geeks come out to put Morgan on a stretcher.  Wasn’t there supposed to be a tag title match somewhere in here?  Ah, here comes The Band.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match: Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, & Eric Young (c) vs. Matt Morgan.  Young pins Morgan on the stretcher in 17 seconds.

Christy Hemme interviews TNA World Heavyweight Champion Rob Van Dam.  Sting jumps RVD from behind and chokes him out, then steals the belt.

Moments ago, ^ happened.

People check on RVD.  He realizes his belt is gone and he’s pissed.

Kurt Angle comes out and cuts a promo.  He asked his X Divison friend to wrestle him tonight, and to hold nothing back.

Kurt Angle vs. Amazing Red.  They shake hands and lock up.  Red does his stuff and Angle hangs with him.  Angle hits a belly to belly suplex and a European uppercut.  Red side steps Angle and sends him outside.  Red goes for a dive, but Angle avoids it.  Red jumps off the apron and hits a rana.  Back inside, Angle NAILS Red with a clothesline.  Angle goes for the Angle Slam, but Red hits a DDT.  Red hits a jumping DDT for 2.  Angle hits a German suplex.  Red arm drages out of an Angle Slam attempt and hits a sick rana head drop and the Red Star Press for 2.  Angle avoids the Infra Red and hits the Angle Slam for the pin in 3:44.  Fun little match.  I wish Angle would stop getting dropped on his head and shit, though.  Angle helps Red up, raises his hand, and hugs him.

Sting talks to or about the World Championship belt.  He has “Deception” written on the belt.

Slammiversary hype video.

RVD goes to look for Sting in his clubhouse, or wherever the fuck Sting hangs out up there.

AJ Styles, Beer Money, & Desmond Wolfe vs. Jeff Hardy, Mr. Anderson, Abyss (w/ Chelsea), & Jay Lethal.  Roode and Lethal brawl to start.  Lethal hits a handspring elbow smash.  All of the faces deck Roode.  Abyss tags in.  Beer Money try to double team Abyss, but get fought off.  Anderson tags in against Storm.  Anderson and Hardy make quick tags and work over Storm’s arm.  Wolfe gets the tag and wrestles with Hardy.  Hardy hits a suplex for 2.  Styles tags in to work over Hardy.  Styles hits a knee drop for 2.  The heels isolate Hardy on their side of the ring and work him over.  Hardy reverses Wolfe into Beer Money’s boots.  Clusterfuck ensues briefly.  Hardy gets beaten up by the heels.  Double suplex by BEER!  MONEY!  Roode hits a knee drop for 2.  Roode hits the bottom rope decapitator thing for 2.  Lethal gets the tag, but the referee misses it and doesn’t allow it.  The heels continue beating up Hardy.  Hardy hits a jawbreaker on Styles, then drops him with a kick.  Hardy makes the hot tag to Lethal, who runs wild.  Lethal hits a move on Styles and covers, but Wolfe saves.  Everybody starts hitting signature moves.  Nigel hits the jawbreaker lariat on Abyss, then asks Chelsea for the chair she’s sitting in.  She hesitates, but Wolfe gets the chair.  Abyss punches it into his face.  Styles hits Abyss with the springboard forearm.  Lethal goes for a rana, but Styles catches him and hits the Styles Clash for the pin in 10:50.  Pretty good match.  I’m shocked they actually got some time and it wasn’t mostly commercials.

Sting isn’t in his clubhouse, he’s somewhere else.  Commercials.

RVD shows up at wherever Sting is.  Sting jumps him from behind and kicks his ass.  RVD fights back.  They brawl all over backstage and throw each other into shit.  They eventually make it to the ring.  RVD takes off Sting’s coat and the belt and continues to beat him up.  RVD wedges a chair between the top and middle turnbuckles.  They fight some more.  RVD lands a superkick.  Sting sends RVD’s head into the chair, then hits him in the back with the chair.  Sting says the belt is RVD’s until Sunday.  This whole thing was stupid.

There was some good stuff on this show, but as always, there was a bunch of crap and the writing is just fucking horrible.

TNA iMPACT 5/27/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 2, 2010 by Grappleholic

Let’s just get through this…

“Last week…” video.

“The Enigma And The A-H***.”  They need to stop naming this shitty shows.

Pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are announcers.  Jeremy Borash is ring announcer.  Tonight, the Beautiful People defend the Knockouts Tag Team title against Taylor Wilde & Sarita, The Band vs. Team 3D vs. Ink Inc., and something with Mr. Anderson and Jeff Hardy.  Kazarian vs. Jay Lethal, who they seem to be trying to get over.  Sting has been routinely fucking shit up with his bat.

Jeff Hardy comes out and calls out Mr. Anderson.  Anderson talks about confusing people.  This fucking show definitely confuses me.  Anderson says he’s an asshole.  I feel like an asshole for watching this piece of shit.  Anderson wants Jeff to embrace his assholiness.  He sings an asshole song.  This is stupid.  Why do I do this to myself?  AJ Styles, Ric Flair, Beer Money, and Desmond Wolfe come out.  Styles says he has a match with “you” tonight.  He doesn’t specify who “you” is.  We finally figure out that it’s Anderson, who Styles calls “butt munch.”  Anderson wants to introduce himself to Styles.  He has been content with a regular microphone up to this point, but now calls for his hanging mic so he can do his intro.  Anderson Anderson.  End of segment.  I hate myself for watching this show.

Team 3D/Ink Inc. video package.  They’re already in the ring for their match.

Non-Title Three-Way Match: Team 3D vs. Ink Inc. vs. TNA World Tag Team Champions The Band.  Young and Moore start.  Nash and Hall are both on the apron, so I guess it’s 2 on 2 on 3.  Ink Inc. double team Young.  Young fights back and beats up Neal.  Ray blind tags himself in and goes after Neal.  Ray beats up Neal.  Devon tags himself in.  Ray is annoyed.  Devon pushes Neal to his corner to make the tag to Moore.  Moore gets a sunset flip for 2.  Neal tags in.  Brother Ray blind tags in again and clotheslines Ink Inc. in the back of the head.  Ray beats up Neal.  Ray grabs a chair out of the front row.  The Band drops off the apron.  Devon takes the chair away.  Neal spears Ray for the pin in 4:49.  This was stupid.  3D argue.  Ray challenges Neal to a match at Slammiversary.  3D argue some more.

Christy Hemme interviews Kazarian.  Ric Flair comes in.  They’re friends now, apparently.  AJ Styles comes in and says he’s been looking for Flair all day, even though they were JUST TOGETHER ON TV 10 FUCKING MINUTES AGO.

One of those weirdly shot stupid backstage videos with Rob Van Dam talking about Sting.

Kazarian vs. Jay Lethal.  Lethal shines early.  Swank springboard rana by Lethal, followed by a tope suicida.  Lethal continues to shine.  Ric Flair comes out.  Kazarian takes advantage of the distraction to jump all over Lethal.  Kazarian beats up Lethal as Flair looks on approvingly.  Lethal makes his comeback.  Moonsault body block gets 2 for Lethal.  Kazarian hits a jawbreaker.  Lethal rallies and locks in the figure-four leglock.  Flair gets on the apron and encourages Kazarian to get a rope break, which he finally does.  Lethal decks Flair.  Kazarian schoolboys Lethal and grabs a handful of tights for the pin in 4:41.  Decent little match that furthers a storyline without giving me a headache, so I approve.  Flair beats down Lethal.  Lethal makes his own comeback and chops the shit out of Flair.  Flair takes his face bump.  Lethal clears Flair out of the ring.  AJ Styles runs down and jumps Lethal.  Styles and Kazarian start arguing.  Lethal dropkicks them in the arms to send them out of the ring.  Okay, so this turned out a little overbooked, but it’s TNA, so you kinda have to grade on a curve.  I still approve.  Flair berates Styles.

Tonight, RVD calls out Sting!  Also, Styles vs. Anderson!

Shannon Moore is laid out backstage with an Ace of Spades card on his back.  The fuck?

Video of the Abyss/Desmond Wolfe/Chelsea story.

Orlando Jordan comes out with pink stickers on his nipples.  They show his injuring of Rob Terry’s knee last week.

Orlando Jordan vs. Abyss (w/ Chelsea).  The stickers on Jordan’s nipples are of Abyss.  Ugh.  Jordan attacks Abyss’ arm.  Abyss rips the pasty things off and back body drops Jordan.  Jordan avoids Abyss in the corner and Abyss hits the arm that was cut open by a glass bottle last week.  Jordan viciously attacks the arm and rips the bandage off.  One of the pasty things is still attached.  Why do I notice these things?  Abyss makes his comeback.  A faceplant that I think of as a reverse powerbomb gets 2.  Abyss sends Jordan outside and follows.  Jordan shoves Abyss into Chelsea.  Abyss looks concerned, but goes back to queer bashing before turning around to check on her.  Desmond Wolfe appears and hits Abyss with a pipe to cause the DQ in 4:42.  Wolfe and Jordan beat down Abyss.  Rob Terry makes the save.  Wolfe bails, but Jordan takes the Freak Buster.  This sucked.  Abyss carries Chelsea to the back.

TNA World Heavyweight Champion Rob Van Dam is headed our way to call out Sting!

Sting heel dickery video package.

TNA World Heavyweight Champion Rob Van Dam comes to the ring and addresses Sting.  Sting’s music plays and a video of him destroying RVD plays.  Sting appears in the rafters and talks to RVD briefly.  He basically just says he’ll win the title at Slammiversary.

In one of those stupid, poorly shot things, Hulk Hogan talks to Ken Anderson.

A midget wrestling commercial.

Puppet the Psycho Dwarf has joined Tenay and Taz to hype the new midget wrestling show.

Christy Hemme interviews Roxxi.  They show the sick ankle break again.  She gets a Knockouts title shot at Slammiversary.  She’s so stoked to learn this.  She has negative charisma.

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship Match: The Beautiful People (c) (w/ TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne) vs. Taylor Wilde & Sarita.  Jobber entrance for the challengers, who just a few months ago were one of my favorite tag teams and put me in mind of a female Rock & Roll Express.  Sarita and Velvet start.  Sarita is still pretty awesome.  Wilde seems kind of awkward in the ring lately.  They challengers make quick tags and work over Velvet.  Lacey cheap shots Wilde, then tags in and hits a claw bomb for the pin in 2:22.  So disappointing.  Remember when the Knockouts division was worth watching?  Puppet goes to the ring and celebrates with the Beautiful People.  He slaps Velvet’s ass and draws their ire.  Rayne hits a DDT on Puppet, then they put the boots to him.  Stupid.  Lacey shows sympathy and checks on Puppet and the roll around the ring and make out.  Okay.

Stupidly shot backstage thing with Jeff Hardy.

House show plugs.

Kurt Angle comes out to join Tenay and Taz for commentary.

Desmond Wolfe vs. Jeff Hardy.  Instead of locking up, Wolfe headbutts Hardy in the mid-section and goes to work.  Fucking alternating chants.  Hardy does his weird leg drop to the legs cover thing for 2.  Wolfe beats up Hardy some more.  Hardy fights back.  They end up outside.  Wolfe surprises Hardy with a shot while Hardy was fucking around posing, then throws him back in the ring.  Wolfe goes for the Tower of London, but Hardy avoids it.  Wolfe hits a running European uppercut to the corner.  Wolfe counters the Twist of Fate and hits the Divorce Court for 2.  Hardy goes for something off the top and bumps the referee.  Hardy hits the Twist of Fate, but the ref is dead.  Wolfe hits Hardy with a slap jack for the pin in 5:52.  Fine little match.

Commercial for a Ric Flair impersonation contest.  Seriously.

Matt Morgan is in the ring.  He bitches about the various injustices he has suffered.  He invites anyone to be his tag partner at Slammiversary.  He calls for “the bald guy” Kurt Angle to come down.  Security tries to get in the way for some reason, but Morgan waives them off.  He makes like Angle is some green rookie.  They chat, then Morgan shoves Angle.  Morgan tries to bail, but Angle kicks his ass until security pulls him off.  Samoa Joe comes down.  Morgan leaves.  Joe and Angle have a stare down, then Angle leaves.  Stupid, stupid segment.

Tenay and Taz hype the Slammiversary card.

AJ Styles vs. Ken Anderson.  Entrances.  Commercials.  Bell.  They lock up, then do nothing.  Styles grabs a side headlock.  Anderson eventually reverses it and grounds Styles with his headlock.  Styles counters into a head scissors.  Nice mat work.  They get to their feet and trade blows.  Styles hits some LOUD chops.  Fuck, the crowd is annoying.  Styles hits a dropkick.  Anderson catches Styles out of nowhere and hits the Lambeau Leap for 2.  Styles drops Anderson with a kick.  Cover gets 2.  Styles beats up Anderson.  Anderson fights back.  Anderson hits a cross body, but Styles rolls through and gets the pin with his legs in the ropes at 5:52.  Two matches in a row lasting the exact same time?  That’s kind of amusing.  Good match, though.  Anderson calls for his special mic and gives AJ props.  Anderson asks the crowd if AJ pulled his tights.  Crowd chants “YES HE DID!”  Anderson kicks AJ’s ass.  Beer Money run in and attack Anderson.  Jeff Hardy makes the save with a steel chair.  Hardy and Anderson back into each other and almost come to blows, then shake hands.

Besides a few passable matches, this show fucking blew.  I don’t know why I watch this shit.  I hate it, but I can’t stop for some reason.  I hate almost everything about this company.  I hate the booker, the fans, the management, and the production, but I like a lot of the wrestlers.  I guess I watch to support the wrestlers I like.  Is it really worth it?

TNA iMPACT! 5/20/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2010 by Grappleholic

Sacrifice highlight video.

“10 Card Stud”

Pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Tonight, the Top 10 Contenders will be announced!  Tonight, there will be an announcement regarding the main event of tonight’s show.  Well I fucking hope so.  Also, Kurt Angle returns.

Eric Bischoff comes out with Miss Tessmacher.  Bischoff introduces the top 10 contenders.  Each guy comes out to the ramp and they show a brief video package.  #10 is Samoa Joe.  #9 is TNA Global Champion Rob Terry.  #8 is Desmond Wolfe.  #7 is “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  #6 Abyss.  #5 is Mr. Anderson.  #4 is Jeff Hardy.  #3 is AJ Styles.  #2 is Kurt Angle (who doesn’t come out).  Crowd chants “WE WANT ANGLE!”  #1 is Sting.  WHAT THE FUCK?  These rankings are motherfucking retarded.  Sting comes to the ring.  Crowd chants “WE WANT A RECOUNT!”  Bischoff books Sting vs. Jeff Hardy for tonight.  Sting smashes the stupid poster things in the ring, the hits Abyss with the bat.  Abyss tries to make the save, but gets owned.  Hardy takes the bat from Sting.  Hardy slaps Sting.  Sting kicks Hardy in the balls and takes his bat back.  TNA World Champion Rob Van Dam comes out.  Hardy clips Sting’s leg and hits the Twist of Fate.  Hardy goes up top, but Sting leaves.  Just to recap, Sting vs. Hardy tonight and Sting vs. RVD for the World Title at Slammiversary.  This was all stupid.

Moments ago, some shitty booking was played out.

Matt Morgan bitches to Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff.  “They” want “their” rematch for the tag titles.

Roxxi, who looks totally different from the last time I saw her, comes out.  They show her breaking her ankle in a match against Ayako Hamada on New Years’ Eve.

Non-Title: Roxxi vs. TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne.  Roxxi seems freakishly tall.  She’s all over Rayne to start.  Rayne avoids a shot and attacks her.  Knee lift gets 1.  Rayne works Roxxi’s face.  Seriously.  Roxxi hits the Voodoo Drop for the pin in 2:42.  Whatever.  Rayne is pissed.

Chelsea bitches at Desmond Wolfe about having to be Abyss’ property for 30 days.  Wolfe reassures her.

Kurt Angle arrives with a goatee and refuses to answer some geek’s questions.

Kurt Angle music video.

Kurt Angle comes out and talks for a while.  He says he’s taking himself out of the #1 contender spot and he’s going to wrestle every one of the top contenders.

Christy Hemme talks to Ric Flair and Beer Money.  Beer Money are facing Jay Lethal and a partner tonight.  Kazarian comes in.  He wants to talk to Flair.

Tonight, Sting vs. Hardy.

Rob Terry says he has a knee injury, and he’s wrestling with it tonight.

Jeremy Borash is still doing ring announcing.

Non-Title: TNA Global Champion Rob Terry vs. Orlando Jordan.  Why the fuck are we doing this again?  Jordan goes on the attack.  Terry fights back.  Earl Hebner gets knocked down.  Jordan gets back dropped.  Cover gets 2.  Jordan attacks the injured knee and works it over.  Jordan locks in a knee bar.  Terry refuses to tap, but Hebner stops it and gives Jordan the win in 2:58.  It served its purpose, so I have no complaints.  Jordan attacks Terry again after the match and puts the hold back on.

Jay Lethal talks about his issues with Ric Flair.  Rob Van Dam offers to be his partner.  Lethal agrees.

Jeff Hardy applies his makeup and talks about idolizing Sting when he was a child.

Ink Inc. barge into Team 3D’s locker room.  Neal bitches at Bubba about the shit he pulled at the PPV, which was a dick move.  Neal and Bubba come to blows.

Beer Money vs. TNA World Heavyweight Champion Rob Van Dam & AJ Styles.  Lethal has his own music and gear and is no longer doing the Black Machismo gimmick.  Roode Pearl Harbors Lethal to start the match.  Lethal fights back.  Lethal goes up top, but Roode shoves him off.  Beer Money put the boots to Lethal.  Roode tags in and works him over.  Lethal gets turned inside out by a clothesline.  Beer Money hit a double back body drop on Lethal.  Roode takes over the punishment.  Lethal hits a handspring elbow smash and makes the tag to RVD.  RVD runs wild briefly, then gets cut off by Roode.  RVD rallies and hits the flying kick.  Cover, but Roode saves.  Lethal blind tags in and hits a missile dropkick on Roode.  Lethal hits the Lethal Combination.  RVD hits the Rolling Thunder.  Lethal locks Roode in the figure-four leglock.  RVD takes Storm out with a dive.  Roode submits to Lethal’s figure-four in 3:56.  Fun little tag match.  Ric Flair comes out and brawls with Lethal.  They brawl to the back.  RVD celebrates some more and slaps hands with fans.  A fan in a Sting mask hits RVD with a chair.  He takes off the mask to reveal… Sting!  Okay, that was fucking awesome.  Sting hits RVD again and leaves.

Recap of the shit Sting has pulled so far tonight.

Jeff Hardy is in the ring.  He cuts a promo on Sting and leaves.

Security tells Desmond Wolfe “It’s time.”  Wolfe tells Chelsea it’s going to be okay and bitches out the security guards.

Abyss comes to the ring and calls for Desmond Wolfe to bring him his new property.  Security brings Chelsea out, with Wolfe trailing behind and still acting all pissed off.  Abyss says he made Wolfe his bitch at Sacrifice, and tonight he’s taking his bitch.  Wolfe says Abyss will take Chelsea over his dead body.  He kicks Abyss and the security guards in the balls, then beats up the security guards.  I think they need better security.  Wolfe takes a glass bottle from Chelsea, breaks it, and threatens Abyss with it.  Wolfe cuts Abyss’ arm, then bitches at Chelsea.  Abyss’ arm is bleeding.  He knocks the bottle away and hits the Black Hole Slam on Wolfe.  Abyss carries Chelsea away, presumably to fuck repeatedly.

House show plugs.

TNA World Tag Team Champions The Band are in the ring.  Eric Young cuts a promo about having joined The Band.

Eric Young (w/ TNA World Tag Team Champions Kevin Nash & Scott Hall) vs. Shannon Moore (w/ Jesse Neal).  Young attacks.  Moore responds with lots of moves.  Young beats up Moore some more.  Diving elbow drop gets 2.  Young keeps the heat on.  Hebner catches Nash trying to interfere and stops him, but Young is doing fine on his own.  Young makes his comeback.  Brother Ray comes out.  Jesse Neal attacks him on the ramp.  Brother Devon comes out to break it up.  Hall hits Moore in the back with the belt.  Young hits a piledriver for the pin in 3:41.  It’s nice to see someone using the piledriver as a finish again.  Brother Ray attacks Neal again, just because he’s a dick.  He and Devon argue.

Sting vs. Hardy is still to come.

Taz and Tenay talk about the situation with Team 3D and Jesse Neal.

X Division Battle Royal featuring The Motor City Machine Guns of Chris Sabin & Alex Shelley, Generation Me of Max Buck & Jeremy Buck, Kazarian, Homicide, and Amazing Red.  No entrances, everyone is just in the ring and start brawling.  The winner becomes #10 contender since Angle gave up his spot so everyone else moves up a spot.  Kazarian eliminates Red.  Bucks double team the Guns.  Sabin eliminates Max by dropkicking him off the apron.  Shelley gets eliminated by Jeremy.  Sabin eliminates Jeremy.  Ric Flair comes out.  Kazarian eliminates Sabin.  Homicide attacks Kazarian.  Brian Kendrick comes in and eliminates Homicide.  He’s in the match, but nobody knew it until now, because there were no entrances on TV and he wasn’t in the ring when the match started.  Kazarian withstands Kendrick’s attack and throws him out to win it in 2:52.  There’s some sort of connection with Flair and Kazarian now.

Sting vs. Hardy is NEXT!

Sting vs. Jeff Hardy.  They lock up.  Sting is the aggressor early.  Hardy fights back.  Sting bails.  After a minute, Hardy hits a baseball slide dropkick.  He goes for a dive, but Sting avoids it.  Sting rams Hardy’s knee against the ramp a couple of times, then continues beating Hardy up back in the ring.  FUCKING ALTERNATING CHANTS AGAIN.  Hardy avoids the Stinger Splash and makes his comeback.  Basement dropkick gets 2.  Sting avoids the Whisper In The Wind and locks in the Scorpion Death Lock.  Hardy gets a rope break.  Ref bump.  Sting goes for the Scorpion Death Drop.  Mr. Anderson sneaks in and hits a Scorpion Death Drop on Sting.  It’s sloppy.  Hardy pins Sting in 5:40.  Not much of a match.  Anderson tries to make friends with Hardy again.  Sting kills them both with the bat.

Not the worst iMPACT! ever by any means.

TNA Sacrifice 2010

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2010 by Grappleholic

PPV open, pyro and ballyhoo. Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers LIVE from Orlando. Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Three-Way Match to determine the #1 Contenders for the TNA World Tag Team Championship: The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Beer Money vs. Team 3D.  Shelley and Roode start.  Always good stuff with the Guns and Beer Money.  Shelley plants Roode with a Mysterio-esque flippy bulldog for 2.  Roode hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for 2.  Storm tags in, avoids a superkick, bails, and gets superkicked by Sabin.  Guns double team Roode.  Guns double team Storm.  Storm catches Sabin with a knee.  Brother Ray tags himself in and beats up Sabin.  3D work over Sabin.  Shelley breaks a cover by Devon.  Sabin rallies and goes for a dive, but Brother Ray avoids it.  Devon continues to beat up Sabin.  Roode breaks a cover.  Ray tags in, drops Sabin, and decks Beer Money.  Sabin avoids a diving senton and makes the hot tag to Shelley.  Shelley tries to run wild, but 3D don’t sell for him.  They catch a cross body and Sabin dropkicks it over.  Guns start to run wild.  Sabin hits a tope suicida on Storm.  Shelley goes for a dive on Ray and misses.  Roode tags in and beats up Shelley.  Beer Money double teams Shelley.  BEER!  MONEY!  Storm hits a hangman’s neckbreaker on Shelley for 2.  Beer Money continues getting heat on Shelley.  Sabin gets the tag and runs wild on Beer Money.  Nice diving rana on Roode.  Springboard suicide cross body on Storm.  Springboard tornado DDT on Roode.  Cover, but Devon saves.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Ray throws Sabin outside to the ramp.  3D hit the Doomsday Device on Roode.  Sabin hits a springboard cross body on Ray for 2.  Ray sends Sabin outside again.  3D goes for the 3D on Roode, but Storm spits beer in Bubba’s face.  Roode hits a spinebuster on Ray.  Guns double team people.  They hit the neckbreaker/cross body combo on Ray and Sabin gets the pin in 13:14.  Very good opener.

Tenay and Taz talk about the retarded fucking angle with Desmond Wolfe, Chelsea, and Abyss from iMPACT!  “Local authorities are investigating Desmond Wolfe and Chelsea for filing false police reports.”

Global Tale of the Tape.

TNA Global Championship Match: Rob Terry (c) vs. Orlando Jordan.  Jordan is lowered to the ring and prances around like a fairy.  See, because that’s his gimmick.  Terry is all business and kicks his ass and throws him around.  Sidewalk slam gets 2.  Jordan hits a weak kick.  Terry hits a not so weak spin kick.  Terry clotheslines Jordan outside to the ramp.  Jordan tries to crawl to the back.  Terry cuts him off and throws him back in.  Terry hits the running powerslam for the… 2 count.  Fuck.  Jordan begs off, then attacks Terry’s leg.  Jordan works the leg.  For a long time.  Jordan hits a knee drop and a very homoerotic cover gets 2.  Jordan goes for a diving knee drop, but Terry moves to avoid it.  Terry recovers and hits a chokeslam for the pin in 7:46.  Not good, but still not as terrible as I expected.  Jordan clips Terry’s knee from behind as Terry walks up the ramp.  Jordan drives Terry’s knee into the belt.

Team 3D bitch in the locker room.  Ink Inc. come in for a chat.  Team 3D are mad because Ink Inc. have the audacity to think they can take care of The Band.

Kazarian/Doug Williams video package.  X Factors.

TNA X Division Championship Match: Kazarian (c) vs. Doug Williams.  Williams, of course, still has possession of the belt.  They lock up.  Nothing comes of it.  They do some ground wrestling, which always pleases me.  Tenay says Kazarian’s “sabbatical” from TNA could have been “career suicide.”  I got the joke and chuckled.  Kazarian works the arm.  Kazarian does a weird roll that puts Williams near the ropes, so Williams grabs the ropes with his legs.  Kazarian goes back to working the arm.  Back and forth mat wrestling.  That puts such joy into my heart.  Williams goes the apron to escape a hold.  Kazarian hits an arm whip and Williams takes a bump off the apron.  Kazarian hits a springboard Oklahoma roll for 2.  They go back and forth on a test of strength.  Williams locks on a necktie/surfboard move.  Kazarian reverses the necktie.  Williams gets a rope break.  Kazarian superkicks him and goes for the Flux Capacitor, but Williams avoids it and sends Kazarian into the ramp.  Williams hits a hangman’s neckbreaker on the apron.  Williams gets a front face lock and rams Kazarian’s face into the apron.  Williams goes back to the front face lock.  Kazarian turns it into a slingshot, then dropkicks Williams off the apron.  Kazarian hits a slingshot suicide cross body.  Back inside.  Kazarian gets rolling on offense.  Swinging neckbreaker gets 2.  Kazarian turns a Chaos Theory attempt into a front cradle for 2.  Kazarian gets a backslide for 2.  Williams backdrops Kazarian to the apron.  Kazarian hits a slingshot DDT for 2.  More happens.  It’s awesome.  Kazarian goes for the Axe Guillotine Driver, gets countered, but gets a cradle for 2.  He goes for it again and gets countered and powerbombed into the corner.  Williams hits a weird twisting brainbuster for 2.  Kazarian avoids the Chaos Theory again and hits a swinging Complete Shot for 2.  Kazarian goes for an electric chair suplex, but Williams counters and hits the Chaos Theory for the pin in 13:53.  Really damn good match.  Poor Kazarian was champion for a month and never got to wear the belt.

Desmond Wolfe and Chelsea bicker about their possible legal and other issues.  Chelsea says she doesn’t want the ring anymore and urges Wolfe to call the whole thing off.  Wolfe says he wants to win to move up in the rankings.

Tara/Madison Rayne video package.  Knockouts Tale of the Tape.

TNA Knockouts Championship vs. Tara’s Career: Madison Rayne (c) (w/ TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions Velvet Sky & Lacey Von Erich) vs. Tara.  Rayne tells the other Beautiful People to leave before the match.  Tara jumps her to start.  Rayne counters an early Widow’s Peak attempt.  Geeze, TNA Mutants, are alternating chants really necessary for THIS match?  Tara beats up Rayne on the outside.  Rayne hits her head on the post.  Back inside, cover gets 2.  Cradle sequence, which I always enjoy.  Tara throws Rayne around.  Suplex into the guillotine.  Rayne fights free.  Rayne hits some weak clotheslines to get rolling on offense.  Tara hits a stronger clothesline to cut her off.  Rayne counters the Widow’s Peak again.  Tara finally hits it, but Rayne rolls out of the ring.  Tara throws her back in.  Rayne fights back.  Tara hits a slam and a moonsault press for 2.  Tara stomps Rayne’s belly and goes for another moonsault, but Rayne moves.  Rayne hits kind of a reverse Playmaker for the pin in 6:28.  Not bad.  So Cal Val hands Tara the spider cage.  She takes the spider out to show it off.  Weird.  Security comes to escort her out.  Tara bows to everyone and leaves.

Christy Hemme interviews The Band.  Young talks about joining The Band.  Nash explains that the tag titles will be defended under the Freebird rule.  He then addresses Ink Inc.

Tag Lines.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match: Kevin Nash & Scott Hall (c) vs. Ink Inc.  Moore and Hall start.  Moore slaps Hall.  They lock up and Hall attacks Moore’s arm.  Moore rallies and hits a missile dropkick.  Why is Scott Hall wrestling on national TV in 2010?  He looks awful.  He tags out to Nash, who moves even worse.  Nash wants Neal.  Neal obliges him.  They brawl.  Hall cheap shots Neal.  Nash covers for 2.  Hall tags in and locks Neal in an abdominal stretch, using classic heel tactics to “gain leverage.”  Moore gets the hot tag and runs wild.  He hits a diving cross body on Nash, then tags in Neal.  Moore hits the Mooregasm, then decks Hall and takes him out with a dive.  Neal goes for the spear, but Nash avoids it and the ref gets speared.  Neal beats up Nash.  Eric Young comes out with a Singapore cane and throws it to Nash.  Neal avoids the blow and decks Young.  Moore distracts Nash.  Neal spears Nash.  Neal picks up the cane, but Young cuts him off and takes it away.  Brother Ray comes down and tackles Young, canes him, yells at the downed Nash, then canes Neal.  Young puts Nash on top of Neal for the pin in 8:00.  It was okay I guess.  The Band celebrates.  Brother Ray looks on with a weird look on his face.

Lowlights of the motherfucking retarded angle from iMPACT!.

Chelsea vs. Ring: Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. Abyss.  Abyss jumps Wolfe during his entrance and kicks his ass.  Chelsea tries to slip away, but the referee makes her come back and sit in a fancy chair.  Abyss finally gets Wolfe into the ring to start the match.  Abyss no sells everything Wolfe tries and kicks his ass some more.  Wolfe gets the advantage and works Abyss’ arm.  Wolfe hits a bunch of shoulder blocks to no effect.  Abyss drops him with one elbow.  Wolfe goes back to working the arm.  Fucking alternating chants again.  Abyss makes his comeback.  Sidewalk slam gets 2.  Wolfe hits the Divorce Court for 2.  Nigel goes for the jawbreaker lariat, but Abyss catches him with a chokeslam.  Chelsea tries to interfere.  Abyss grabs her.  She threw a set of brass knucks to Wolfe.  Wolfe punches Abyss.  Abyss kicks out and Hulks up.  Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam for the pin in 9:01.  It was okay.  Abyss wins Chelsea for 30 days.  Taz says Chelsea should stock up on soap.  …The fuck?

Christy Hemme interviews Mr. Anderson.  Anderson says his fans are “Anderson’s Assholes.”  Great promo.  He comes back and scares Christy by yelling his name again.  Funny stuff.

Jeff Hardy vs. Ken Anderson.  They lock up aggressively.  Anderson’s ribs are taped from taking Hardy’s big dives on iMPACT!  “I’M AN ASSHOLE!” chants.  Yes you are, mutants.  Hardy beats up Anderson.  Anderson sends Hardy to the outside and drives him into the side of the ring.  Anderson beats up Hardy.  Anderson locks in an abdominal stretch and holds Hardy’s purple speckled belt to gain leverage.  Anderson dives off the top.  Hardy gets his legs up, but Anderson avoids hitting them and drops an elbow for 2.  Anderson drives some knees into Hardy’s back.  Alternating “Let’s Go Hardy!” and “Let’s Go Asshole!” chants.  That one I’m not as annoyed with.  Anderson continues building his heat on Hardy.  Hardy backdrops Anderson to the ramp.  Hardy gets a chair from under the ring and uses it as a springboard to hit a leg lariat back into the ring.  Neat.  They trade punches.  Hardy hits some weak clotheslines and a Sling Blade for 2.  Hardy hits a bulldog for 2.  Anderson counters a suplex and hits the Lambeau Leap for 2.  Hardy counters the Mic Check.  Anderson sends him into the ropes, then hits the Mic Check for 2, as Hardy gets a rope break.  Hardy hits the front suplex and goes up top.  He drops down and hits the Twist of Fate, takes his shirt off to make the girls scream, then goes up top again.  Anderson cuts him off and goes for the Lambeau Leap off the top, but ends up landing on his face with Hardy on his back.  Fail.  Hardy hits the Swanton Bomb for the pin in 13:57.  It was okay.  Anderson recovers and offers a handshake.  Hardy refuses.  What a prick.

Christy Hemme interviews Ric Flair and AJ Styles.

Sting/Jeff Jarrett video package.

Jeff Jarrett’s music plays.  Cut to the back, where Sting is beating up a bloody Jarrett.  Sting injures Jarrett’s shoulder.  Sting brings him into the arena and beats him up some more.  Jarrett is a bloody mess.  Sting hits his leg with the bat, pulls him under the steps, and stomps the bat into the injured shoulder.  More shoulder torture with the bat.  Sting finally throws Jarrett into the ring.

Sting vs. Jeff Jarrett.  Sting hits the Scorpion Death Drop for the pin in 13 seconds.  Sting takes the mic and says some other guys are going to pay because of some deception game.  Referees and various other geeks come in to tend to Jarrett while Sting stalks around ominously.  Crowd chants “STING!”  Jarrett gets stretchered out.  Sting knocks the stretcher over.  Hulk Hogan comes out to threaten Sting away, or something.  Replays.  Why?

Tenay and Taz talk about how appalled they are.

Christy Hemme interviews the TNA World Heavyweight Champion, Rob Van Dam.

RVD/Styles video package.  Tale of the Tape.  Entrances, intros, and it’s main event time!  Earl Hebner is the referee.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: Rob Van Dam (c) vs. AJ Styles (w/ Ric Flair).  They dick around for a full 2 minutes before making contact.  They both avoid kicks.  Styles is reprimanded for pulling RVD’s hair.  RVD ducks a shot and clotheslines Styles out of the ring, then poses some more.  Styles pulls him out of the ring and chops him.  RVD avoids a moonsault block off of the ramp and succeeds in his attempt of the same thing.  RVD gets in the ring and poses some more.  5 minutes in and little has happened.  RVD avoids a springboard and goes for the Rolling Thunder, but Flair grabs his leg.  Hebner tells Flair to leave, then shoves Flair down when Flair gets all pissed.  Styles and Flair argue with Hebner.  Flair leaves.  Hebner argues with Styles some more.  Flair joins the announcers.  Styles drops RVD on the outside, then poses in the ring.  Styles goes for a dive, but RVD avoids it.  The announcers claim he hit it, but little or no contact was made.  Back in the ring, Styles puts the boots to RVD.  Styles slams RVD and hits a knee drop for 2.  RVD drops Styles with a kick.  RVD goes to the top, but Styles shoves him off and into the ramp.  Styles works over RVD.  Styles hits a tornado DDT for 2.  Styles argues with Hebner again.  RVD takes a weird bump off of a dropkick.  Cover gets 2.  RVD hits his diving kick, then a monkey flip, then goes for the Five Star Frog Splash.  AJ avoids it and Van Dam crashes and burns.  Styles hits the springboard forearm for 2.  Tenay calls it a clothesline.  He jumped the shark as announcer years ago, but he used to be really good.  Styles gets a cradle for 2.  RVD hits a jawbreaker.  Styles hits the Pele kick for 2.  RVD avoids Styles in the corner and Styles’ face hits the top turnbuckle.  RVD hits a Northern Lights suplex hold for 2.  Styles gets an inside cradle for 2.  RVD hits an inverted atomic drop, crotches AJ on the top rope, and hits the flying kick.  RVD goes for the Rolling Thunder again, but Styles gets his knees up.  Styles covers for 2.  Styles sells his knee.  Styles locks RVD in the Torture Rack, then turns it into a powerbomb for 2.  Nice.  Styles hits a forearm to the corner for 2.  Styles goes for the Styles Clash, gets backdropped, and turns into a sunset flip.  Cradle reversal sequence.  Double clothesline.  They get to their feet and trade blows.  RVD hits his cool leg cradle for 2.  Styles goes for the figure-four, but RVD turns it into an inside cradle for 2.  Styles hits the Phenomenon for 2.  Styles goes for the springboard 450, but RVD avoids it.  Flair leaves the booth and heads back to the ring.  Jay Lethal of all people comes out and brawls with Flair.  Lethal puts Flair in the figure-four leglock.  So Lethal has gone from being a Randy Savage impersonator to a Ric Flair impersonator.  Styles crotches RVD on the top rope and goes for a superplex.  RVD fights him off, then hits the Five Star Frog Splash for the pin in 24:47.  A very different match than you would expect from these two, but it turned out to be pretty good.  The Lethal run in was random.  Replays.  RVD celebrates.

Some weird stuff on this show, but nothing was too horrible and a few of the matches were really good.  Match of the Night honors go to Kazarian and Williams.

TNA iMPACT! 5/13/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2010 by Grappleholic

“Last week on iMPACT!…” video.

“Three Tickets To Sacrifice”

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  David Penzer is the ring announcer.

Eric Bischoff comes out and does his “heel who thinks he’s a babyface” bit.  He introduces the TNA World Heavyweight Champion, Rob Van Dam.  Bischoff talks about the poll.  He says he wanted to book RVD vs. Jeff Hardy, but Hardy isn’t answering his phone, so RVD has the night off.  RVD wants action, though.  AJ Styles comes out.  He bitches at RVD about not being a role model.  Styles challenges him to a match tonight, even though they have a match at the PPV.  Styles wants to break RVD’s legs so he doesn’t have to break a sweat at the PPV.  Jeff Hardy comes out.  He’s confused by the time changes, as he doesn’t have a secretary.  Styles says the match is already set.  Hardy tells RVD to make it a three-way, since RVD is apparently the booker.  He tells Bischoff to make the match.  AJ is pissed.

Jeremy Borash interviews Knockouts Champion and Knockouts Tag Team Champions, The Beautiful People.  Lacey runs away because she has to pee.  Go before your fucking interview, moron.

Taylor Wilde (w/ Sarita) vs. Tara.  Sarita gets sent to the back before the match.  Wilde goes on the attack and beats the hell out of Tara.  Tara begs off, then sends Wilde to the ramp.  Tara throws her back in.  Wilde avoids the hilo leg drop.  Wilde goes for a shitty cross body.  Tara love taps her with a shitty middle kick for the pin in 1:30.  This blew.  Tara beats Wilde with her knee brace after the match.  Sarita makes the save.

Something is going on backstage with Desmond Wolfe and Chelsea.

Chelsea is claiming she was attacked “in an undisclosed location.”  Her vagina?

Brian Kendrick vs. Doug Williams.  Williams still has the X Division belt.  He says Kendrick doesn’t deserve a title shot, so it’s a non-title match.  Kendrick attacks Williams.  Williams attacks him back.  The X Division Champion Kazarian joins the announcers.  Williams works Kendrick’s leg.  He locks Kendrick in a half crab.  Kazarian walks down the ramp with the intent of getting the belt.  Kendrick schoolboys Williams for the pin in 2:13.  Williams manages to hold onto the belt.  Match was pointless.

Christy Hemme asks Pat Kenney what happened, but he won’t say anything.

Christy says she knows the attacker, but can’t tell.  The fuck?

Handicap Match: Generation Me vs. TNA World Tag Team Champions Matt Morgan.  Morgan destroys them both.  He takes the mic and bitches about Hulk Hogan not telling him who his partner is.  Morgan sets up Jeremy Buck on the outside for the Carbon Footprint into the post.  Samoa Joe comes out and brawls with Morgan.  Match is presumably a no-contest in about a minute and a half.  Joe hits the Muscle Buster and leaves.  The Band comes out.  Kevin Nash has that Feast or Fired briefcase that nobody remembered.

Handicap Match for the TNA World Tag Team Championship: Matt Morgan (c) vs. Kevin Nash & Scott Hall (w/ Eric Young).  Earl Hebner rings the bell.  Nash gets the pin at the 12 second mark.  Nash and Hall are World Tag Team Champions.  In 2010.

Ink Inc. talk backstage.  You can hear the intros for the Williams/Kendrick match from earlier.  Ink Inc. are psychic and somehow knew that they’d be facing Hall and Nash at Sacrifice instead of Morgan.

Four-Way Match: Ink Inc. vs. Team 3D vs. Motor City Machine Guns vs. Beer Money.  No entrances except for Ink Inc.  Shelley and Storm start.  Sabin tags in and throws Storm out of the ring.  Sabin hits a dive.  Cover gets 2 back inside.  3D works over Roode.  Moore tags in and hits a diving cross body for Roode for 2.  Beer Money work over Moore.  Neal gets the hog tag and runs wild.  He face plants Roode and covers, but Storm saves.  Brother Ray tags in and knocks down Beer Money.  Neal schoolboys him for 2.  3D and the Guns fight.  Everybody brawls everywhere.  3D hits the Doomsday Device on Neal.  Moore saves and fights 3D.  They go for the 3D, but Neal stops it.  Moore hits the Mooregasm on Ray.  Neal spears Ray for the pin in 7:18.  Best thing on the show up to now and probably period.

Weird Ric Flair taped promo with impossible to read subtitles.

TNA Global Champion Rob Terry is headed our way!  He’ll face Abyss NEXT!

Jeff Hardy and RVD chat in the bathroom.  Who the fucking is taping this?

Rob Terry comes out for his title defense against Abyss.  Abyss doesn’t come out, because he’s getting arrested.  He’s apparently the one being accused of assaulting Chelsea.  Desmond Wolfe jumps him and is held back by the cops.  Hulk Hogan shows up to talk to Abyss, who professes in innocence.  Abyss doesn’t want to take his mask off.  Hogan takes the mask off and puts Abyss’ hood on his head.  The cops take Abyss away.  This is so motherfucking stupid.  Rob Terry is still in the ring.  Orlando Jordan (in pink gear) attacks Terry from behind and gropes his balls.  Jordan hits Terry with a lead pipe, then holds up a card that says, literally, “The Wild Card.”  Why the fuck am I watching this shit?  Didn’t I boycott this show after last week?

Orlando Jordan is still in the fucking ring.  He cuts a promo.  Okay, you’re gay, we get it.  He issues an open challenge.  Tomko (he still works here?) accepts.

Orlando Jordan vs. Tomko.  They do some awkward half assed shit.  Tomko presses Jordan, then hits a fall away slam.  Jordan hits a dropkick.  Jordan does some shit.  Tomko hits a clothesline for 2.  Jordan hits a Backstabber for 2.  Jordan clamps on a guillotine for the win in 3:14.  This blew.

Another weirdly taped thing with Hulk Hogan.  Lacey Von Erich comes in and shows him a cell phone video.

Eric Bischoff tells Tara she’s going to wrestle Sarita tonight.  She’s all bitchy about it.

Sarita vs. Tara.  Sarita attacks Tara on the ramp.  They finally get in the ring to start the match, then brawl outside some more.  Back inside, Sarita misses a dive, then beats up Tara some more.  Tara cries and begs off, then sends Sarita outside.  Sarita hits a slingshot splash, then goes after Tara’s knee brace.  The referee grabs her and gets elbowed in the face.  Tara hits Sarita with the knee brace for the pin in 1:52.  This sucked.  Tara beats her with the knee brace some more.

AJ Styles is backstage in his silly robe.  The main event is next.

Sting/Jeff Jarrett video package.

Non-Title Three-Way Match: Jeff Hardy vs. AJ Styles vs. TNA World Heavyweight Champion Rob Van Dam.  Styles argues with a fan.  The dastardly good guys double team the poor overwhelmed heel.  Hardy and RVD start to fight each other.  Hardy knocks RVD out of the ring.  Hardy fights AJ.  RVD comes in and lands kicks on both of them.  Hardy drops both of them with neckbreaker variations.  He covers RVD, but Styles saves.  Styles beats up both.  Styles attacks RVD’s leg.  He locks in the figure-four leglock.  Hardy leg drops Styles to break it.  Hardy goes up top.  Styles cuts him off and knocks him out of the ring.  RVD monkey flips AJ.  Ken Anderson attacks Hardy at ringside.  RVD hits his diving kick on Styles and the referee, then saves Hardy from Anderson.  Styles hits a dive on everybody.  Styles SPIKES RVD with a DDT on the floor.  Back inside, Styles puts his feet on the ropes and pins RVD in 5:54.  This was a mess.  Hardy calls Anderson to the ring to fight.  Anderson isn’t interested.  Hulk Hogan comes out and blocks his way to the back.  Hogan decks Anderson.  Hardy beats up Anderson.  Commercials.

Hardy and Anderson keep fighting.  Why the fuck isn’t this show over yet?  Hardy puts Anderson on a table and hits a Swanton off the announcers’ table through the table.  Many replays are shown.  Hardy celebrates.

They show Lacey Von Erich’s cell phone video of Desmond Wolfe and Chelsea setting up the whole fucking stupid angle with Abyss.

Sacrifice hype videos.

Fuck this horrible motherfucking show.  Why did I even watch this shit?

TNA iMPACT! 5/3/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2010 by Grappleholic

“Last week on iMPACT!…” video.

“Hogan/Sting – The Summit”

Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff talk while riding in a limo.

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo, Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  I’m sure David Penzer is around somewhere as ring announcer.  Tenay announces that iMPACT! is going back to Thursday.  I guess it took their lowest rating ever to convince them that Monday was a bad idea.

Ric Flair’s music plays.  Jay Lethal comes out in a suit, wearing Flair’s Hall of Fame ring.  Lethal is in full Flair impersonation mode, and it’s GREAT.  He does a better Ric Flair than Richard Fliehr.  The crowd turns it in and chants “WE WANT FLAIR!”  Ric Flair comes out.  Crowd chants “DOUBLE VISION!”  Flair stomps on his own sunglasses, I guess to make a point.  Lethal gives Flair his ring back and tells him he meant no disrespect.  Lethal puts over Flair like crazy.  Flair slaps him a bunch while berating him.  Lethal finally slaps him back and they brawl a little.  Lethal backdrops Flair and puts him in the figure-four leglock.  Beer Money, AJ Styles, and Desmond Wolfe run in to attack Lethal.  Abyss runs out to make the save, but gets beaten down too.  Team 3D runs in with the same effect.  TNA World Champion Rob Van Dam and a steel chair finally make the save.

Hogan and Bischoff are in their limo still.  Hogan gets a text about what just happened and tells the driver to turn around.

Moments ago, that long paragraph above happened.

The babyfaces are still in the ring and the heels are on the ramp.  RVD calls them “the Four Horse’s Asses.”  Flair agrees and everybody brawls some more.  They brawl over the place.  Hulk Hogan comes out, so his limo must not have been far away.  He drops all of the heels with one punch except for the 120 year old Ric Flair.  Commercials.

The brawl is still going on.  Security finally gets off their asses and breaks it up.  Hogan books RVD vs. Wolfe for the title, Abyss vs. Styles, and Beer Money vs. 3D vs. The Motor City Machine Guns for tonight.

Sting is in the rafters.

The Beautiful People bitch about having to defend all the titles.  Lacey is still stupid.

Doug Williams and Brian Kendrick are in the ring.  Williams still has the X Division Championship belt.  He cuts a promo on the shitty way he was stripped of the title due to a volcano.  He also resents having to tag with “this crazed lunatic.”  Williams says he’ll face Kazarian for the title at Sacrifice.

Doug Williams & Brian Kendrick vs. Ink Inc.  Ink Inc. is the new team of Shannon Moore and Jesse Neal.  They have a title shot against TNA World Tag Team Champions Matt Morgan at Sacrifice.  Williams and Neal start.  Morgan joins Tenay and Taz at the table.  Kendrick beats on Neal.  Stuff happens.  The match is completely secondary to Morgan’s bitching.  Moore gets the tag and runs wild on Kendrick.  Morgan leaves.  Kendrick gets a schoolboy for 2.  Moore hits a neckbreaker.  Neal tags in and spears Kendrick for the pin in 3:05.  Williams and Kendrick argue.  Samoa Joe comes out and drops both of them, then gives Kendrick the Muscle Buster.  Joe teases cutting a promo, then just throws the mic down and leaves.  Stupid match, stupid commentary, stupid aftermath, stupid segment.

Jeremy Borash is in Team Flair’s locker room.  Flair throws Borash out, so Borash eavesdrops while Flair bitches at everybody for being failures.

Backstage, Hogan whines about Sting cheating on him, or what the fuck ever it is.

Tenay and Taz hype the Hogan/Sting whatever and other shit.

Backstage, Ken Anderson beats up The Pope while wearing a dress, then rams a trunk into him and steals his sunglasses.

Ken Anderson comes out in his dress and babbles out a pseudo-sermon.  Jeff Hardy comes out and challenges Anderson for Sacrifice.  Anderson says no, then makes it blatantly obvious that he’s going to try to attack Jeff from behind, then gets dropped by the Twist of Fate.  Hardy rips Anderson’s dress off, then works Anderson’s mouth to “accept” the challenge.  Fucking retarded segment.

TNA Knockouts Championship & TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship Match: The Beautiful People (c) vs. Tara, Taylor Wilde, & Sarita.  Jobber entrances for the challengers.  Tara is in full heel mode.  Lacey is in full dumb bimbo mode.  Tara does the suplex into the guillotine.  Lacey throws a kick that fails, then dances.  Sarita tags in.  Velvet tags in and beats her up.  Sarita does some sloppy stuff.  Wilde tags in and Sarita backdrops her into a moonsault on Velvet for 2.  Velvet drops Wilde and tags in Rayne.  Wilde hits a sloppy release German suplex.  Tara screams for the tag, gets it, then Sarita blind tags herself in.  Tara decks Sarita.  Tara and Wilde argue and shove each other.  They go out of the ring.  Velvet and Lacey hit a double DDT on Sarita.  Rayne pins Sarita in 2:54.  Fucking abortion.

Still to come, Styles vs. Abyss and Wolfe vs. RVD.

Christy Hemme interviews Tara.  She challenges Rayne for the title at Sacrifice with Tara’s career on the line.

Three-Way Match: Team 3D vs. Beer Money vs. Motor City Machine Guns.  Beer Money and Guns both get jobber entrances.  Roode beats up Sabin.  Sabin does some flips and hits Roode with a kick for 2.  Storm and Shelley tag in.  Guns double team Storm.  Devon tags in and beats on Storm.  Storm hits a Codebreaker on Devon.  Beer Money work over Devon.  BEER!  MONEY!  Ray tags in and runs wild.  WASSUP headbutt on Roode.  Kevin Nash and Scott Hall come in and attack 3D for the DQ in 3:56.  Eric Young comes out with a Singapore cane, then to the shock of absolutely no one, turns on 3D and joins The Band.  The Guns come back in.  Shelley throws Young out of the ring.  Guns beat up Nash and Hall!  Beer Money beat up the Guns and hit the DWI on Sabin.  The heels beat down the babyfaces.

TNA’s cuts to commercial are very awkward.

David Penzer introduces Orlando Jordan, who gets on his “O-Zone” talk show set.  This is gayer than two guys blowing each other.  He interviews a cardboard cutout of Rob Terry.  Terry finally comes in, shoves Jordan down, tears up the cutout, and warns Jordan not to make him come back.  Terry holds up the Global Championship belt.  Jordan attacks Terry from behind and chokes him out.  Jordan throws a stupid vase thing on top of Terry.  Fuck this shit.

Monster’s Ball Match: AJ Styles vs. Abyss.  Styles springboards to the outside.  Abyss catches him and goes for a chokeslam.  Fails.  AJ throws a trash can.  Abyss throws AJ into the ring.  Abyss hits a big boot, then holds up a crutch.  AJ kicks him.  AJ avoids a chair shot.  Abyss punches him.  Abyss picks up the chair again.  AJ hits the Pele and a dropkick, then beats down Abyss.  Abyss sends AJ into a chair wedged between the turnbuckles, then hits the Shock Treatment for 2.  Abyss pours out thumbtacks.  Ric Flair and Chelsea come out.  Flair tells her to take her coat off.  Abyss tries to protect her and gets hit from behind by AJ.  Abyss sends Styles to the outside.  Styles hits a springboard cross body into the tacks for the pin in 4:11.  Chelsea opens her coat to reveal… her dress.  Flair and Styles put the boots to Abyss.  Another awkard cut to commercial.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: Rob Van Dam (c) vs. Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea).  Jobber entrance for Wolfe.  Wolfe attacks RVD on the outside immediately.  Wolfe beats up RVD back in the ring.  RVD blocks a suplex attempt.  Wolfe beats him up some more.  Cover gets 2.  Wolfe hits the Divorce Court for 2.  RVD hits the flying kick and the Rolling Thunder, then goes up top.  Wolfe cuts him off and goes for the Tower of London.  He tries again on the apron.  RVD counters and hits a springboard kick on the ramp.  ROB!  VAN!  DAM!  RVD backdrops Wolfe back into the ring, then hits the Five Star Frog Splash for the pin in 3:01, just so we all know Wolfe is a jobber.  AJ Styles sneak attacks RVD and says he’s taking his rematch at Sacrifice.

Backstage, Hulk Hogan finds that Jeff Jarrett has been clobbered by Sting.  Commercials.

Hulk Hogan comes out and babbles.  Sting comes out.  Hogan wants to know why Sting turned heel.  Sting says “Total Nonstop Action,” then babbles for a while about Hogan being protected, or something.  They banter.  Hogan challenges Sting to hit him.  Jeff Jarrett comes out, takes the bat, and hits Sting.  Hogan holds him back.  End of show.

That’s it.  Fuck this show.  I’m done.