Archive for Snooki

WWE Superstars 3/31/11

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 1, 2011 by Grappleholic

WWE open, Superstars open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Jack Korpela and Matt Striker are the first announcers.  Tony Chimel is the first ring announcer.

Curt Hawkins vs. Trent Barreta.  Hawkins grabs a side headlock and lands a shoulder block.  Barreta does drop down, leap frog, elbow smash.  Cover gets 2.  Hawkins backs Barreta into the corner and slaps him.  Barreta gets pissed and fires back.  Hawkins slides under the ropes and trips Barreta in the process, then pulls him to the floor.  Back inside, Hawkins puts a beating on Barreta.  Barreta tries to rally, beat eats a clothesline.  Cover gets 2.  Barreta fights out of a hold, flips out of a backdrop suplex, and hits Hawkins with an enzuigiri.  Hawkins falls to the floor.  Barreta hits a Space Flying Tiger Drop.  Back inside, Barreta hits a springboard dropkick for 2.  Hawkins counters the tornado DDT and hits a body slam for 2.  Barreta counters a move and hits the tornado DDT for the pin in 5:20.  Fine little match.

Tonight, six-woman tag match.  Ugh.

WWE.com plug.

Josh Matthews and Scott Stanford are now the announcers.  Justin Roberts is now the ring announcer.

Awesome Undertaker/Triple H hype video.

Snooki hype video leading to the horrible Snooki & Trish/LayCool bar fight from Raw.

Edge/Alberto Del Rio hype video.

WWE Champion The Miz on Conan O’Brian.

Raw Rebound.

Divas tag match next.  Ugh again.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Melina & The Bella Twins vs. WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres, Natalya, & Gail Kim.  One of the Bellas beats up Natalya.  Natalya hits a snap suplex and a basement dropkick for 2.  Natalya goes for the Sharpshooter, but the Bella reaches the ropes.  Natalya pulls her up and down for 2.  Melina tags in and gets slammed by Natalya.  Gail tags in.  Natalya throws her on top of Melina for 2.  Melina misses the splits and eats a basement dropkick.  Gail beats up Melina for a bit.  Gail tries to springboard, but Melina pulls her down across the top rope.  Gail gets caught in the heel corner and they get the heat on her.  Melina goes for the Code Red, but Gail counters it.  Gail plants Melina with a powerbomb.  Eve gets the hot tag and runs wild until Melina low bridges her out of the ring.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Bellas pull the switcheroo.  Eve goes for her neckbreaker drop, but the Bella hits her with an X Factor for the pin in 6:24.  There ya go.

The opener was fun, at least.

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WWE Monday Night Raw 3/28/11

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 30, 2011 by Grappleholic

WWE open.

CM Punk is sitting Indian style in the ring.  We’re LIVE from Chicago.  He cuts a promo about Randy Orton.  He blames the New Nexus for their own misfortunes.  They show Punk’s attack on Orton at Orton’s bus last week.  He says he’ll close this chapter at Mania.  Randy Orton limps out with his knee taped up.  They brawl.  Orton hits the DDT OF MURDER and humps the mat despite his injured knee.  Orton goes for the punt, but his knee gives out and Punk escapes.  He realizes that this would be a good time to take advantage of a wounded opponent and returns to the ring to taunt him, then kicks him in the injured knee.  Punk delivers the Go 2 Sleep.

Tonight, The Undertaker and Triple H will face off!  So will John Cena, The Miz, and The Rock.

Edge and Christian meet up backstage.  Edge talks about the stupidity of Teddy Long saying he can’t touch Alberto Del Rio on Smackdown, but the iBooker says he can.  Commercials.

WWE Rewind: Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio from Smackdown.

Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and Josh Matthews are the announcers.  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

World Heavyweight Champion Edge & Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio & Brodus Clay.  Del Rio & Clay are of course introduced by Ricardo Rodriguez.  Edge and Clay start.  Clay is awesome at beating and being beaten.  Edge and Christian make quick tags and try to work Clay’s arm over.  They bundle him out of the ring and Christian gos for a dive.  Clay catches him, but Edge knocks him down with a baseball slide dropkick.  Commercials.  Del Rio works Christian’s arm, having gained the advantage during the break.  Del Rio and Clay keep the heat going on Christian.  Edge gets the hot tag and runs wild.  Edge goes for the spear on Clay, but Del Rio trips him from the outside.  Christian attacks Del Rio, who whips him into the barricade.  Edge spears Clay for the pin in 8:15.  The match was fine.  Del Rio puts Christian in the cross armbreaker in the aisle.  Edge chases Del Rio out of the building.  Edge goes back to check on Christian.  Del Rio attacks him from behind and puts him in the cross armbreaker.

Trish Stratus and Snooki are in a bar in New Jersey.  Commercials.

Sin Cara vignette.

Chicago!

WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley are backstage with an upside down WWE logo.

The iBooker dings in.  Lawler believes this will be a good chance to fuck with Cole, but Cole, who routinely leaves the Cole Mine, now stays securely inside and reads the e-mail from his iPad.  Cole announcers Lawler vs. Jack Swagger for tonight.

Awesome Undertaker/Triple H hype video.  They’ll face off tonight!  Commercials!

WrestleMania Week events list.

WWE Tag Team Champion Justin Gabriel (w/ WWE Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett, WWE Tag Team Champion Heath Slater, & Ezekiel Jackson) vs. Santino Marella (w/ The Big Show, Kane, Vladimir Kozlov, & Tamina).  These guys will have an 8-man tag at Mania.  They lock up and wrestle a bit.  Slater distracts Santino.  Gabriel lands a spin kick for 2.  Gabriel cranks on Santino’s arm.  Santino throws him off and makes his comeback.  Santino frighters Slater with the Cobra.  Kane decks Slater.  Kozlov trips Gabriel behind the referee’s back.  Show and Kane take out the rest of the Corre at ringside.  Santino hits the Cobra for the pin in 1:52.  There ya go.  All of the babyfaces celebrate jovially.

Plug for WWE All Stars, a very silly looking game.

Triple H is headed our way!  Commercials.

Keri Hilson will perform America The Beautiful at WrestleMania.  Never heard of her.

The Undertaker comes out.  So does Triple H.  So does Shawn Michaels.  Michaels apologizes for interrupting, then proceeds to hype up the match.  Michaels is mad that Triple H thinks he can do what Michaels couldn’t.  Triple H says Michaels has gone soft.  He talks about Undertaker’s dedication and says that’s why he chose to pattern himself after Taker.  Triple H has this really great bit about how he and Shawn made a pact to tell each other when it was time to leave, and now he’s telling Taker it’s time for him to leave out of respect.  Taker says if he ever needed someone to put him down, he’d want it to be Triple H, but it’s not time for that yet.  He says he and the streak will both survive Mania.  Taker talks about how Michaels failed twice despite his greatness and that is now humbled.  He sort of shoves Michaels.  Michaels goes for the superkick.  Undertaker catches it and goes for the chokeslam.  Triple H breaks it up and stares down Taker.  He tells Shawn to tell Taker why he will beat him at Mania.  Shawn leaves instead.  Triple H calls out to him.  Shawn looks back and says “You can’t win.”  Taker tips his hat to Triple H and leaves.  Fucking great segment.

Tonight a face off between Cena, Rock, and Miz that won’t be in the same universe as the one we just saw.  Commercials.

Jack Swagger (w/ Michael Cole) vs. Jerry “The King” Lawler.  Lawler comes out to new music that sucks compared to the music he’s always used in WWE.  Cole gets on the apron.  Lawler lunges for him.  Swagger jumps Cole and beats him up.  Swagger sends Lawler outside and throws him over the barricade so he can pose uninterrupted.  Lawler clocks Swagger with a chair to cause the DQ in 1:16, then several more times to boot.  He goes after Cole, who hides in the Cole Mine, so Lawler hits the Cole Mine, then tries to climb into it.  He’s held back by Cole’s security.  Cole throws liquid on him, then talks shit from the safety of his box.

Tonight, Cena/Rock/Miz stuff.  Commercials.

Slam of the Week: John Morrison & Trish Stratus vs. Dolph Ziggler, LayCool, & Vickie Guerrero from last week, where Morrison did the job for Vickie Guerrero.  Yes.  That happened.

Vickie Guerrero comes out to be obnoxious and do John Morrison poses.  I fast forward through her screaming with her nails on a chalkboard voice.

WWE United States Champion Sheamus & Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. John Morrison & Daniel Bryan.  Sheamus beats up Morrison.  One of Morrison’s best roles is getting his ass kicked by Sheamus.  Morrison decks Ziggler on the apron.  Sheamus hits the Irish Curse for 2.  Commercials.  Morrison continues playing face in peril.  Bryan tags in and locks Ziggler in the LeBell Lock.  Sheamus kicks Bryan in the back of the head, then tags in and kills Bryan with a Polish Hammer.  Morrison saves.  Ziggler accosts Morrison and gets dropped with a Pele Kick.  Sheamus sends Morrison outside.  Bryan goes for the LeBell Lock.  Sheamus counters, then avoids Bryan in the corner and hits the Razor’s Edge for the pin in 6:15.  What the showed of it was pretty fun.

Earlier tonight, stuff went down between Randy Orton and CM Punk.

Randy Orton ices his injured knee backstage.  Scott Stanford asks him if he’ll make it to Mania.  He says he’ll make it there, but Punk won’t make it out.

Tonight, Cena/Rock/Miz stuff.  Commercials.

Chicago!

New Hall of Fame inductee: The Road Warriors!

Trish Stratus and Snooki TAPED via satellite.  Pretty sure Snooki is drunk.  Some Jersey tard hits on them.  Snooki slaps him.  LayCool show up.  Snooki throws a drink in Layla.  They brawl.

Cena/Rock/Miz next.  Commercials.

The Rock comes out.  He talks about how his first WrestleMania match was in this building.  He goes on with his promo, the highlight of which is when he calls John Cena “a homeless Power Ranger.”  Cena comes out and talks to Rock for a while.  They get mad at each other and act like they’re gonna fight.  WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley come out.  Miz babbles for a while.  Rock says it doesn’t matter what Miz thinks.  Miz and Riley jump The Rock.  Cena has disappeared.  Rock makes his own comeback, knocks Riley out of the ring, and DDTs Miz and gives him the People’s Elbow, then throws him out of the ring.  Cena comes back in and gives Rock the Attitude Adjustment.

Pretty good go-home show, I thought.

WWE Monday Night Raw 3/21/11

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 22, 2011 by Grappleholic

WWE open.

Justin Roberts introduces Jim Ross.  Michael Cole comes out in a fat suit and a cowboy hat.  I already hate this show.  Cole throws the hat at Jerry Lawler and scampers into the Cole Mine for safety.  Cole, Lawler, and Josh Matthews are the announcers.

Triple H comes out to cut a promo about his match with The Undertaker at WrestleMania.  He asks Undertaker to show up on Raw next week.  He talks more about how one of them is going to die at Mania.  After the promo, Ted Dibiase Jr. comes out to talk about how far his star has fallen.  He wants to take out Triple H so people will notice him.  Triple H kicks his ass, throws him into stuff, and beats him with a chair.  Pedigree through the announce table.  This had absolutely no purpose besides burying Dibiase even further under the Earth.

Tonight, John Cena responds to the Miz live via satelitte.  Are you fucking serious?  Also, The Miz is “rewriting Miz-story.”  Ugh.  Commercials.

Non-Title: WWE United States Champion Sheamus vs. Evan Bourne.  Sheamus is good and pissed off, probably because he got the jobber entrance, and beats up Bourne.  Bourne avoids Sheamus in the corner, then kicks him in the face.  Bourne goes for the Shooting Star press, but crashes and burns when Sheamus avoids it.  Sheamus hits the brogue kick for the pin in 1:23.  There ya go.  Sheamus says he’s the United States Champion of America.  Former United States Champion of America Daniel Bryan comes out and says he wants his rematch at WrestleMania.  Sheamus throws him the belt and drops him with the brogue kick.  So Bryan is getting buried too.

Tonight, WrestleMania Rewind: Mysterio vs. Orton!  Commercials.

Slam of the Week: Randy Orton defeating and punting Mason Ryan last week, to CM Punk’s displeasure.

Randy Orton steps off of his bus.  Scott Stanford interviews him.

Non-Title: Maryse vs. WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres.  Maryse prances around and poses.  Eve facetiously claps.  They get into a cat fight.  Maryse rams Eve’s face into stuff.  Eve avoids a charge and Maryse hits her leg on the rope.  Michael Cole starts talking over the match again, calling for it to end.  I actually agree with him, but feel sorry for the divas.  Eve goes for a standing moonsault, but Maryse gets her knees up.  Maryse goes for a neckbreaker, but Eve counters into her neckbreaker drop for the pin in 2:20.  Terrible.  Cole is happy it’s over, and so am I.  Eve tries to get at Cole in the Cole Mine, but of course Cole has security there to protect him from women and old announcers.  Eve manages to slap Cole’s arm.  Cole talks shit while security takes her away.

Tonight, Rewriting “Miz-Story,” whatever the fuck that is.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

From Smackdown: The Corre beat down The Big Show & Kane.

Non-Title: WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater of The Corre (w/ Wade Barrett & Ezekiel Jackson) vs. Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov (w/ Tamina).  I’ve seen this match 700 times and it’s never been good.  Santino and Gabriel do some shit.  Santino threatens Slater with the Cobra.  Gabriel drops Santino with a kick for 2.  Slater tags in and works over Santino.  Kozlov gets the tag and runs wild.  Barrett distracts Kozlov.  Slater hits a reverse DDT.  Gabriel tags in and hits the 450 splash on Kozlov for the pin in 1:50.  At least it’s over.  Or not.  The Corre beat down Santino & Kozlov.  The Big Show and Kane make the save.  Kane throws Gabriel into the barricade.  Show gives Slater the KO punch.  Kane and Show hit a double chokeslam on Jackson.  Show shakes hands with Santino and Kozlov.

John Cena live via satellite next.  Commercials.

The Rock will be here next week.

Pittsburgh!

Highlights of Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio last week.  Cena was beaten down by Del Rio, Brodus Clay, and then The Miz who was dressed up as The Rock.

The announcers talk to John Cena via satellite.

Cole gets out of his cage to be obnoxious.  He promises to be obnoxious more next.  Commercials.

Michael Cole and Jack Swagger prance around the ring like fairies together.  Swagger stands in front of the announce table.  Cole talks shit about Lawler.  They show Brian Christopher being a snot nosed little bastard to his dad last week.  Cole says Christopher gave him the Lawler family photo album.  They show pictures of Lawler’s family on the big screen while Cole makes fun of them.  Lawler has finally had enough and gets up from the table.  Swagger jumps him, but Lawler kicks ass and chases Cole around the ring.  Swagger clotheslines Lawler and Cole scampers away into the Cole Mine for safety.  Swagger pushes Lawler’s face into the cage while Cole talks shit.  Swagger puts Lawler in the ankle lock.  With Lawler safely down, Cole takes over.  I can’t wait to see Lawler pound Cole’s face in at Mania.

Tonight, Mysterio vs. Orton!  Commercials.

Pittsburgh!

Lawler is gone.  Cole is an obnoxious little shit.

Last week: Stuff with Snooki, Vickie Guerrero, Trish Stratus, LayCool, Dolph Ziggler, and John Morrison.

Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero, Michelle McCool, & Layla) vs. John Morrison (w/ Trish Stratus).  They lock up.  Ziggler has found his viciousness.  He beats Morrison down.  Morrison rallies and beats on Ziggler in the corner.  Ziggler hits a neckbreaker for 2.  Ziggler applies a rear chin lock.  Morrison fights out and lands a dropkick, then clotheslines Ziggler out of the ring.  McCool blocks him from doing a dive.  Trish takes out LayCool.  The iBooker dings in.  Cole reads that it’s now Morrison & Trish vs. Ziggler, LayCool, & Vickie.  Trish tries to grab Vickie, but LayCool get her away.  Commercials.  Ugh.

Handicap Match: Dolph Ziggler, Michelle McCool, Layla, & Vickie Guerrero vs. John Morrison & Trish Stratus.  JIP.  Ziggler has Morrison in a rear chin lock.  Morrison fights out.  Ziggler avoids the running knee and tags in Layla.  Trish beats up Layla.  Trish hits the Stratusphere, then chops Layla in the tits.  McCool kicks Trish from the apron.  They cut Trish off and get the heat on her.  Vickie tags in and misses a leg drop.  Morrison tags in and runs wild on Ziggler.  Morrison hits the Flying Chuck.  Layla pulls Trish off the apron.  Morrison misses the Starship Pain.  Ziggler hits the Zig Zag.  Ziggler tags in Vickie, who pins Morrison (4:11 shown).  Yes, John Morrison just did a job for Vickie Guerrero.  I hate the world.

Tonight, whatever stupid thing The Miz is doing.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Sin Cara vignette.

Various wrestlers talk about the Undertaker/Triple H Mania match.

They show Randy Orton taking out all of the members of the New Nexus as he makes his way to the ring.  Orton vs. Mysterio is NEXT!  Commercials.

They replay Orton’s promo from earlier tonight, with really horrible audio.

WrestleMania Rewind Match: Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio Jr.  Mysterio tries a go behind.  Orton elbows him in the face.  They go back and forth a bit.  Orton lands a European uppercut from his knees, which looks to be about the right height to hit Mysterio.  Orton slides Mysterio out of the ring and throws him back in, so that was pretty pointless.  Cover gets 2.  Orton continues the offensive with a rear chin lock.  Mysterio hits the diving seated senton.  Orton hits the powerslam and goes for the DDT OF MURDER.  Mysterio counters and goes for the 619.  Orton counters and hits the DDT OF MURDER.  CM Punk appears on the screen.  He’s at Orton’s bus.  He says he’s going to go in and meet Orton’s wife.  Orton runs to the back and presumable gets counted out.  He makes it to the bus, where Punk hits him with a wrench.  Orton’s wife screams, then looks oddly turned on by Punk, then calls for help.  I guess the match is a no-contest in about 4 minutes.  Shame.

Miz’s thing is next.  Commercials.

Undertaker, Triple H, and The Rock will all be here next week.

Alex Riley is in the ring.  He’s been rehired as Miz’s “Vice President of Corporate Communications.”  He introduces WWE Champion The Miz, who comes out without the belt.  He blathers for a while.  He turns the WWE log upside down so it looks like Ms instead of Ws, because his name is Miz.  He’s done the same with the belt.  John Cena appears on the tron and makes fun of him.  Geeks take away Cena’s “walls” to reveal he’s actually in the arena.  That was really fucking stupid.  Cena hits the ring to fight.  Miz runs away.  Cena puts Riley in the STF.  Repeatedly.

This show sucked.

WWE Superstars 3/17/11

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 15, 2011 by Grappleholic

WWE open, Superstars open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Jack Korpela and Matt Striker are the first announcers.  Tony Chimel is the first ring announcer.

JTG vs. Tyler Reks.  They lock up.  Reks shoves JTG around.  JTG throws some punches.  Reks charges him in the corner and misses.  JTG lands a dropkick.  Reks clings to the ropes for safety.  Reks comes back and throws JTG out of the ring, then puts a hurting on him on the outside.  Back inside, Reks hits a backbreaker for 2.  JTG tries to fight back.  Reks hits a Final Cut for 2.  JTG avoids Reks in the corner again and gets a schoolboy for 2.  Reks holds onto the ropes to avoid a reverse cradle.  JTG gets it on the second try to for 2.  JTG low bridges Reks out of the ring and hits a diving shoulder block off the apron.  Back inside, JTG plants Reks with a DDT for 2.  JTG comes off the top rope, but Reks ducks him and kicks him in the gut.  Reks his his Burning Hammer for the pin in 5:48.  They tried, but I couldn’t get into it.

Tonight, Raw replays featuring Snooki.

WWE.com plug.

From Raw: Vickie Guerrero beat Trish Stratus after Dolph Ziggler, John Morrison, and LayCool got involved.  A brawl with Snooki happened and they booked a 6-person tag for Mania.

Santino & Kozlov in action next.

Scott Stanford and Josh Matthews are now the announcers.  Justin Roberts is now the ring announcer.

Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov vs. Jimmy & Jey Uso.  Ugh.  Santino has a new singlet.  I notice things like that.  The announcers don’t know the trick to telling the Usos apart.  Santino and Jey do some shit.  For what it’s worth, Jey is the one with the cross tattoo on his right arm.  Usos make quick tags and work over Santino.  Usos pull the switcheroo, but it doesn’t work.  Santino continues playing face in peril.  Kozlov gets the hot tag and runs wild.  Powerslam on Jey.  Jimmy saves.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Santino back body drops Jimmy on the floor.  Kozlov boots Jey and tags out.  Santino hits the Cobra on Jey for the pin in 4:24.  There ya go.

8-woman tag match tonight.  Ugh.

Raw Rebound.

WrestleMania hype.

Divas tag match next.  Ugh.

Melina, Alicia Fox, & The Bella Twins vs. WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres, Natalya, Gail Kim, & Tamina.  Tamina beats up one of the Bellas.  Fox beats up Tamina.  Tamina beats up Fox.  Fox beats up Gail.  Gail hits a dropkick and a clothesline for 2.  Natalya tags in.  She and Gail give Fox a double suplex.  Natalya goes for the Sharpshooter, but Fox makes it to the ropes before she can.  One of the Bellas tags in.  Natalya schoolgirls her for 2.  The other Bella distracts Natalya to let the legal Bella get the advantage.  The heel divas cut Natalya off and get the heat on her.  Insta-commercials.  Natalya continues to play face in peril.  Natalya gets a cradle on Melina for 1.  Melina applies a rear chin lock while chewing on her hair.  Natalya escapes and goes for an enzuigiri.  Melina ducks.  One of the Bellas pulls Eve off the apron.  Tamina drops both of the Bellas at ringside.  Natalya clotheslines Melina and makes the tag to Eve.  Natalya slams Melina.  Eve’s first act of the match is to hit a moonsault press on Melina for the pin (5:55 shown).  At least it’s over.  Face divas celebrate.

I was not into this show at all.  Not only was it not good, but I was also not in the right state of mind to get through this in a good humor.

WWE Monday Night Raw 3/14/11

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 14, 2011 by Grappleholic

WWE open.

The Rock appears on the screen pretending to talk to President Obama on the phone.  John Cena’s music plays.  A kid dressed like Cena appears in Rock’s office.  Rock has a talk with “Cena,” makes him cry, and gives him some Fruity Pebbles.  Rock then cuts a serious promo on The Miz.

Trish Stratus chats with Snooki backstage.

Michael Cole, Josh Matthews, and Jerry Lawler are the announcers.  Cole is in a plexiglass box.  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

WWE Champion The Miz comes out.  They show his various recent attacks on John Cena.  Miz cuts a promo on The Rock.  iBooker dings in.  Cole leaves the Cole Mine to read it, so what’s the point of the Cole Mine?  Lawler punks him down and reads it himself.  Tonight, there are to be 2 never before seen matches: Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio and Miz vs. Great Khali, the latter of which is next.  Commercials

Non-Title: WWE Champion The Miz vs. Great Khali (w/ Ranjin Singh).  Miz goes on the attack.  Khali lightly shoves him down.  Khali beats up Miz, who looks like a midget by comparison.  Khali applies the head vice.  Miz gets a rope break.  Alex Riley appears and attacks Khali to cause the DQ in 1:10.  Khali gives Riley the crown chop and the tree slam.  Miz wears out Khali with a chair.  So let me get this straight: THE WWE CHAMPION, 3 WEEKS BEFORE WRESTLEFREAKINGMANIA, COULDN”T BEAT THE GREAT FUCKING KHALI?  It’s not like Khali has any fucking credibility anyway, since the last time he was on Raw he was doing the stupid kiss cam.  Miz DDTs Khali on the chair.

Cole promises to “expose” Jerry Lawler tonight.  Also, Randy Orton vs. Mason Ryan.  Commercials.

WWE.com plug.

From Smackdown: Triple H cut a promo on The Undertaker.

Saint Louis!

John Morrison hits on Snooki backstage.  Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler interrupt.  Vickie talks shit to Snooki.  Snooki slaps her.  Vickie throws a fit.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

WWE United States Championship: Daniel Bryan (c) (w/ Gail Kim) vs. Sheamus.  Sheamus promised to quit if he lost, but he seems to be having second thoughts about that.  They lock up and wrestle a bit.  Sheamus hits a shoulder block for 0.  Bryan back flips over Sheamus and hits a drop toe hold.  He goes for the LeBell Lock, but Sheamus rolls to the apron.  Bryan kicks him off and lands a tope suicida.  Back inside, Bryan hits a missile dropkick for 2.  Sheamus bails.  Commercials.  Sheamus has Bryan in a neck crank, having gained the advantage during the break.  Sheamus beats on Bryan.  Sheamus lands a knee lift for 2.  Bryan catches an inside cradle for 2, then back body drops Sheamus to the floor.  Sheamus sells a leg injury like he did last week.  Sheamus makes it back in.  The referre stands in Bryan’s way.  Sheamus goes for the brogue kick, but Bryan ducks and locks in the LeBell Lock.  Sheamus gets a rope break.  Sheamus goes for the Razor’s Edge, but Bryan counters into a cradle for 2.  They trade elbows.  Bryan lands a flurry of kicks for 2.  Bryan goes up top and dives.  Sheamus kills him in midair with the brogue kick for the pin in 8:59 to win the title.  Fun match, even if the Bryan mark in me is a little bummed he lost the title.

Cole promises to interview someone from Lawler’s past next.  Commercials.

Slam of the Week: Last week, Michael Cole introduced JBL as his WrestleMania referee, but Stone Cold Steve Austin intervened and signed on for the job.  Also, beer was poured on Michael Cole, which was awesome.

Michael Cole is obnoxious, then introduces his guest, Lawler’s son Brian Christopher.  Christopher comes out dancing to the old Too Cool music and looking older than his dad.  The crowd does not give a fuck.  Christopher talks about what a shitty dad Lawler was.  Lawler retorts about what a fuck up Christopher is.  Christopher asks Lawler how he feels about Christopher competing at WrestleMania before him, then shoves and slaps his dad.  He says he never used Lawler’s name because he’s ashamed of him.  Cole starts to shit talk Lawler again.  “Boomer Sooner” plays and Jim Ross comes out!  Cole shit talks JR.  They banter for a bit.  Cole continues talking shit, then Ross acts like he wants to fight.  Jack Swagger appears from somewhere and jumps Lawler, then beats up JR and puts him in the ankle lock.  Lawler wakes up to make the save.  Cole jumps on his back.  Swagger knocks Lawler down and puts him in the ankle lock.  Cole puts JR in the ankle lock.

Tonight, Cena vs. Del Rio!  It could be a big money drawing match in 6 months to a year, so of course they’re giving it away free with no build!  Orton vs. Ryan is next.  Commercials.

WWE Rewind: Randy Orton punting Michael McGillicutty 2 weeks ago, and David Otunga last week.

Randy Orton vs. Mason Ryan (w/ CM Punk).  Punk watches from the stage since he isn’t allowed at ringside.  They lock up, then brawl.  Ryan hits a backbreaker for 2.  Ryan hits 2 more backbreakers for 2, so an extra backbreaker does not equal an extra count.  Ryan applies a bear hug.  Ryan hits a side Rock Bottom for 2.  He goes for it again.  Orton hits the RKO for the pin in 3:00.  At least it’s over.  Punk can’t have Nexus fight his battle for him at WrestleMania.  Orton stares at Punk for a while, then returns to the ring and punts Ryan, then humps the mat while glaring at Punk.  Punk backs away in fear.

Earlier tonight, Snooki/Vickie Guerrero stuff.  Commercials.

Saint Louis.

New Hall of Famer: Drew Carey.  Are you fucking serious?  I hate WWE.

Michael Cole decides he hasn’t been obnoxious enough tonight, so he’s obnoxious some more.

Cena vs. Del Rio tonight.

Trish Stratus and Snooki are walking backstage.  Zack Ryder hits on Snooki, who approves of his abs.  Commercials.

Snooki comes out.  She’s not nearly as obnoxious as that parody of her in TNA.  She says Trish Stratus will shut up Vickie Guerrero.  She leaves to sit at ringside.  Vickie comes out and is obnoxious.

No DQ Match: Vickie Guerrero vs. Trish Stratus.  Vickie does jumping jacks and football exercises.  Trish schoolgirls her for 2.  Dammit.  Trish pie faces Vickie.  Vickie bails and runs around the ring.  Trish chases her back in.  Vickie cackles and tries to use a shoe as a sword, then throws it.  Who throws a shoe, honestly?  Trish spanks Vickie with her own shoe.  Dolph Ziggler runs in.  John Morrison hits the ring and takes him out, then hits him with a dive.  Michelle McCool and Layla appear and attack Trish.  Michelle kicks Trish with the loaded boot.  Vickie covers and gets the pin while LayCool sit on her back in 2:27.  So Vickie has a job.  Fuck.  All of the obnoxious women are obnoxious together.  McCool talks shit to Snooki, who is very short.  McCool shoves Snooki.  Snooki pulls her down face first into the apron, then attacks Layla in the ring.  Trish stops McCool from making the save.  Vickie throws a fit.  The heels escape.  Ugh.  Vickie challenges Morrison, Trish, & Snooki to face Ziggler & LayCool at WrestleMania.  Snooki agrees.  Joy.

Cena vs. Del Rio is next.  Commercials.

Sin Cara vignette.

Video of Shawn Michaels talking about The Undertaker.

Justin Roberts introduces Ricardo Rodriguez to introduce Alberto Del Rio.

Alberto Del Rio (w/ Brodus Clay) vs. John Cena.  They lock up.  Del Rio takes Cena down with a side headlock.  Del Rio hits a shoulder block.  Cena makes a comeback.  Cole insists that The Rock is here.  Commercials 5 minutes into the overrun.  Del Rio lands a dropkick for 2.  Cena turns a headlock in a backdrop suplex.  Double clothesline spot.  They trade punches.  Cena makes his standard comeback and goes for the Attitude Adjustment.  Brodus Clay attacks Cena to cause the DQ in 7:19.  The Rock’s music plays, but it’s The Miz wearing a very believable skin cap.  Miz, Del Rio, and Clay beat down Cena.  Miz hits the Rock Bottom.  Okay, now I can see the outlines on the skin cap.  Del Rio gives Cena an enzuigiri.  Clay delivers a fall away slam.  Miz does The Rock’s corner pose, then takes off the stupid skin cap and goes outside to ram Cena’s back into the post.  Miz hits Cena with a microphone and talks shit to him.  Miz suplexes Cena on the stage, then picks him up.  Cena fights back and goes for the Attitude Adjustment.  Miz counters and DDTs Cena on the stage, then throws him into the set, then gives him the Skull Crushing Finale.

Parts of the show were passable, but mostly… just fucking ugh.