Archive for Sergeant Slaughter

WWF at Madison Square Garden 4/6/81

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 12, 2015 by Grappleholic

Vince McMahon is commentary. Howard Finkel is the ring announcer.

WWF Intercontinental Championship Match: Pedro Morales (c) vs. Moondog Rex (w/ Captain Lou Albano). Moondog King failed to unseat Morales last month, so now Rex is taking a shot. Albano is escorted to the back for being crazy or something. Rex holds a headlock for about an hour, then goes to work on the champ’s arm. Vince says that Morales is having more trouble with Rex than he did with King. King beats on Morales for about a week. Morales finally makes a comeback, then gets an inside cradle for the pin in 9:29. 1/2* because it wasn’t completely worthless.

Sergeant Slaughter (w/ The Grand Wizard) vs. Pat Patterson. Patterson is a fiery babyface. He wants some of Slaughter, but Slaughter appears to want none of it. Slaughter sneaks around and tries to jump Patterson from behind, but gets his ass kicked. Patterson fights dirty with chokes, closed fights, and even a bite to Sarge’s hand. Patterson catapults Sarge into the turnbuckles and scores a 2 count. Somebody is blowing a whistle. Is Bill Alfonso around? Patterson applies a crab hold. Back to their feet. Patterson hits a shoulder block and goes for another. Sarge avoids it and sends him crashing to the outside. Slaughter threatens to dive off the top rope to the floor, but thinks better of it and settles for a kick off the apron. Slaughter is trying to win by count out. He covers his ears to drown out the crowd’s boos. Patterson makes it back in and Sarge goes to work on him. Slaughter goes for a diving knee drop, but Patterson avoids it. Patterson locks in a figure-four leglock. Slaughter suffers, but makes the ropes. They brawl outside. Patterson hits Sarge with a chair, which is apparently fine if you’re on the outside. Back inside, Patterson shoves the ref twice. Sarge rakes his eyes. They brawl. Slaughter shoves the ref. Slaughter and Patterson both throw the ref out of the ring. Sarge applies the Cobra Clutch. The ref comes back in and Slaughter immediately kicks him in the groin. Apparently there are rules, as the referee finally calls for the bell. It’s a double DQ in 13:30. Even in 1981, this company hated finishes. Patterson is angry at the ref. Vince assures us that Pat will apologize to the ref once he cools off. **1/2

Steel Cage Match for the WWF Heavyweight Championship: Bob Backlund (c) (w/ Arnold Skaaland) vs. Stan Hansen. Finkel announces that the winner will be the one who successfully runs away. Hansen jumps Backlund immediately, but Backlund throws him into the cage and generally kicks his ass. Back and forth brawl. Backlund hits a piledriver and tries to escape. Hansen hits him the ding ding. Lots of ramming of heads into the cage. Hansen bleeds. Backlund avoids an elbow drop. More brawling. Backlund escapes to win in 8:52. Fun brawl. Hansen is none the worse for wear because a cage match where the objective is to run away is fucking stupid. **1/2

“Pretty Boy” Larry Sharpe & “The Unpredictable” Johnny Rodz vs. Tony Garea & Rick Martel. Martel and Roz start. Both sides tag in and out. The heels, Sharpe & Rodz, cut Martel off and get the heat on him. Garea gets a lukewarm tag. Rodz sucks him and lets him crash into the corner. Now they’re working over Garea. Martel gets a much more lively hot tag and runs wild. Clusterfuck ensues. Martel and Garea send the heels into each other. Martel pins Sharpe with a jackknife hold in 7:05. **1/2

It was way more interesting than the show I watched previously.

WWE Friday Night Smackdown! 11/19/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 22, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open, video package of shit that went down last week, Smackdown open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Todd Grisham, Michael Cole, and Matt Striker are the announcers.  Tonight, Rey Mysterio vs. Alberto Del Rio!  Tony Chimel is the ring announcer.

Tony Chimel introduces Ricardo Rodriguez, who introduces Alberto Del Rio.

Alberto Del Rio cuts a promo about Survivor Series.  They show Del Rio beating Sergeant Slaughter on Monday’s Raw.  MVP comes out to his horrible entrance music and cuts a promo on Del Rio about having respect for legends.  Del Rio says MVP will never be a legend, but Del Rio already is one.  Them’s fightin’ words to MVP, but Del Rio bitches down because he has a match with Mysterio tonight, but says MVP couldn’t handle him anyway.  He books MVP vs. Drew McIntyre, so apparently Del Rio has booking power now.

Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Drew McIntyre.  They brawl.  MVP hits a crappy belly to belly suplex.  McIntyre bails.  MVP follows.  McIntyre reverses MVP into the barricade.  MVP hot shots McIntyre into the barricade, then throws him back in the ring.  Commercials.  Less than a minute into the match.  MVP front suplexes McIntyre into the ropes.  McIntyre bails and tries to hide under the ring.  MVP goes after him.  McIntyre pulls MVP’s arm into the metal part of the ring, then rams his arm into the steps.  Back inside, cover gets 2.  McIntyre works MVP’s arm.  MVP makes his comeback and hits a misplaced Yakuza kick for 2.  MVP hits his weak Exploder, then the Ballin’ elbow.  McIntyre boots MVP in the bad arm and hits a neckbreaker for 2.  McIntyre beats up MVP in the corner.  The referee separates them.  MVP hits the Shining Yakuza kick for the pin in 7:28.  It was fine.  His music is still awful.

Edge is backstage ranting about Kane to Paul Bearer, who is still bound and gagged.  How did Edge get him all the way from England to Virginia?  Edge pulls the tape off of Bearer’s mouth.  Bearer screams for Kane.  Edge says nobody knows where they are.  Except for, you know, the camera guy.  Edge wants to race wheel chairs.  Bearer refuses to participate.  This is retarded.  Commercials.

WWE.com plug.

Chavo Guerrero Jr. complains to Teddy Long in the office.  Kane storms in.  Chavo leaves.  Kane sits down and asks where Paul Bearer is.  Teddy doesn’t know.  Kane doesn’t believe him, so he screams a lot and wrecks Teddy’s office.

Survivor Series Showdown Match: Chris Masters vs. Jack Swagger.  They lock up.  Swagger takes Masters down.  Masters punches Swagger in the face.  Swagger rams Masters into the corner, then hits the springboard Vader Bomb for 2.  Swagger applies an abdominal stretch.  Masters hip tosses his way free, hits a Samoan drop, and gets rolling.  Masters hits a diving shoulder block for 2.  Swagger kicks Masters in the knee.  Masters goes for the Master Lock.  Swagger steps over the ropes to the apron to break it.  Neat!  Swagger rams Masters’ ankle into the post.  Swagger locks in the ankle lock for the win in 2:58.  Fine.

Edge talks to Paul Bearer some more, then throws a ball at him.  This is TNA levels of stupid.  Commercials.

Moments ago, that ^ retarded shit happened.

Kaval is in the ring for a match against Dolph Ziggler.  They show Ziggler beating Mark Henry on Raw.  Ziggler comes out, cuts a promo, and insults Kaval, calling him a “nobody.”

Non-Title: Kaval vs. WWE Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero).  Ziggler beats up Kaval.  Cole goes on his usual tirade about the internet.  Kaval sends Ziggler’s shoulder into the post.  Kaval gets rolling and hits a handspring cross body for 2.  Ziggler goes for the Zig Zag.  Kaval holds onto the ropes to avoid it.  They trade cradles.  Kaval rolls through one and gets the pin in 1:57.  Kaval finally won a match!  He looks as shocked at winning as Ziggler does at losing.  Kaval celebrates, then says that he’s taking his PPV title shot (that he got for winning NXT) to face Ziggler for the Intercontinental title at Survivor Series.

Tonight, Del Rio vs. Mysterio!  Next, Cody Rhodes vs. Kofi Kingston!  Commercials!

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Edge pushes Paul Bearer around in the wheelchair.  This shit is so fucking stupid.

Survivor Series Showdown Match: Kofi Kingston vs. “Dashing” Cody Rhodes.  They lock up.  Rhodes hides in the ropes, then cheap shots Kofi.  Kofi hits Rhodes in the face.  Rhodes bails and throws a fit, then looks at himself in the mirror on his ring jacket.  Commercials.  Less than a minute into the match.  Rhodes beats up Kingston.  He’s good and pissed off.  Kofi takes Rhodes down with a headlock.  Kofi hits a monkey flip.  Rhodes bails again.  Kofi hits a baseball slide dropkick and throws Rhodes back into the ring.  Rhodes hits a couple of front suplexes and a knee drop for 2.  Rhodes pulls Kofi’s middle into the ring post.  Cover gets 2.  They brawl a bit.  Kofi gets the better of it and beats Rhodes down in the corner.  The referee makes his break.  Kofi gets rolling.  Kofi hits the pendulum kick in the corner, then a diving cross body for 2.  Kofi hits the Boom Drop, then goes for the Trouble In Paradise.  Rhodes easily avoids it and misses his slingshot kick.  Kofi gets a cradle for 2.  Rhodes hits the Cross Rhodes for the pin in 10:19.  This didn’t do anything for me.

Kane rants at Rosa Mendez backstage.  Random.

Tonight, Del Rio vs. Mysterio!  Commercials.

Smack of the Night: Tthose “little bitches” LayCool talking shit to Mae Young on Raw.

WWE Divas Champions Michelle McCool & Layla vs. Natalya & Kelly Kelly.  The title is no longer being referred to as “Unified.”  Layla and Kelly lock up.  Kelly hits a Thesz press and rams Layla’s head into the mat.  I fucking hate that shit.  Natalya tags in and Irish whips Layla.  McCool tags in.  Natalya hits a wheelbarrow German on McCool for 2.  Natalya gets a reverse cradle just after Layla blind tags in.  LayCool hit a double big boot.  Layla pins Natalya in 1:12.  That was… flat.  This was pointless.  I guess LayCool had to get their heat back after losing to an 87 year old woman on Raw.

Edge has pizza, bread sticks, and wings.  He abuses Paul Bearer with a bread stick, pours marinara sauce on him, shoves a brownie into his ear, throws hot wings on him, and hits him in the head with a pizza.  I’m starting to hate wrestling again.  Edge says it’s time to go see Kane and wheels Bearer away.

The Big Show is headed our way!  Commercials!

Kane is sulking somewhere outside.  He breaths like he’s about to ejaculate, then gets up and yells, then sits down and cries.

Survivor Series Showdown Match: The Big Show vs. Tyler Reks.  Reks tries.  You have to give the guy credit.  Show grabs him by the throat.  Reks fights out and drops Show with a lariat for 2.  Reks goes for a kick, but Show catches his foot.  Show makes his comeback and hits the chokeslam for the pin in 1:19.  Lots of really short matches tonight.

Josh Matthews interviews Alberto Del Rio.

Update: Mean Gene Okerlund plugs merchandise!  Commercials.

John Cena video package.

Survivor Series hype.

Edge and Paul Bearer has arrived to the arena.  They both call for Kane.  Edge goes to put Paul back in the van.  Ugh.

Kane has heard Paul Bearer’s cry.  He walks past Caylen Croft and some geek with a tattoo on the side of his neck.  That ends up being Croft’s last hurrah in WWE.  Kane finds Paul in the van.  Edge jumps off the top of the van, beats Kane up, then leaves to throw Paul Bearer into the river or something.  This shit is awful.  Commercials.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Tony Chimel introduces Ricardo Rodriguez (again) to introduce Alberto Del Rio (again).

Survivor Series Showdown Match: Alberto Del Rio vs. Rey Mysterio Jr.  Del Rio wins the lock up and the cheap shot.  Del Rio beats up Mysterio.  Mysterio fights back.  Mysterio rolls through a sunset flip and kicks Del Rio in the head for 2.  Mysterio goes for the 619, but Del Rio bails.  Jack Swagger, Cody Rhodes, Drew McIntyre, and Tyler Reks run in and attack Mysterio to cause the DQ in 1:51.  Kofi Kingston, Chris Masters, MVP, and The Big Show make the save.  Teddy Long comes out and orders a 10-man Battle Royal NEXT!  Commercials.

Survivor Series Showdown Battle Royal featuring Alberto Del Rio, Jack Swagger, “Dashing” Cody Rhodes, Drew McIntyre, Tyler Reks, Rey Mysterio Jr., The Big Show, Kofi Kingston, Chris Masters, and Montel Vontavious Porter.  Everybody brawls for a long time.  Masters eliminates Rhodes.  Kofi and Masters try to eliminate Reks, but fail.  Mysterio fails to eliminate Del Rio.  Reks eliminates Masters.  More brawling.  Kofi eliminates Reks.  Mysterio fails to eliminate McIntyre.  MVP drops a knee on Del Rio’s face.  McIntyre eliminates Kingston.  Del Rio dumps MVP.  Show tosses McIntyre.  Mysterio eliminates Del Rio with a head scissors.  Mysterio hits Swagger with the Bombs Away.  Swagger locks him in the ankle lock.  Mysterio counters out.  Show kicks Swagger.  Mysterio hits the 619.  Show eliminates Swagger.  Show and Mysterio win in 5:17.

Pretty lame Smackdown this week.  Let’s hope Survivor Series is better.

WWE Monday Night Raw 11/15/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 15, 2010 by Grappleholic

The recognized symbol of excellence in sports entertainment!  Awesome Raw open with current starts in an old style open.  Pyro and ballyhoo!  Old school logos, sirens, etc.  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are the announcers and are in old school attire.  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

Mean Gene Okerlund comes out to the old school interview podium.  He introduces “Cowboy” Bob Orton Jr.  He starts to introduce Randy, but Bob says he’s not there yet.  Okerlund interviews Orton about his son’s chances at Survivor Series.  He says something I didn’t catch that angers the crowd.  Wade Barrett comes out and chastises him about being old and whatnot.  The Miz and Alex Riley come out.  Miz talks about being a dick last week and his Money In The Bank privilege.  He says he might cash in tonight and fuck up the Survivor Series main event, somehow forcing Cena to stay in Nexus forever.  John Cena appears on the screen and tells Miz that he’s not going to allow any such frivolities and challenges Miz to a match tonight.  Miz accepts.  Commercials.  This is fun, with the old school set and music and all.

WWE.com plug.

Non-Title: WWE Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. Mark Henry.  OLD SCHOOL INSET PROMOS DURING ENTRANCES!  Henry comes out to the Sexual Chocolate theme!  Ziggler goes for the sleeper hold.  Henry throws him out of the ring.  Blue ring apron, posts, and steps!  Red, white, and blue ring ropes!  Old school logos on the turnbuckle pads!  Referees wearing light blue shirts and bow ties!  This rules.  Henry beats up Ziggler.  Ziggler fails to apply the sleeper hold again.  Ziggler gets crotched on the top rope and falls to the floor.  Sexual Chocolate leers at Vickie, then press slams Ziggler back into the ring.  Ziggler dropkicks Henry’s knee and puts the boots to him.  Ziggler beats up Henry.  Henry hits a powerslam, but Ziggler gets a foot on the bottom rope.  Ziggler avoids getting squashed by a big splash and hits a Fameasser for 2.  Cole called it the Zig Zag because he’s mentally retarded.  Ziggler hits the Zig Zag for the pi… no, 2!  Amazingly, Cole didn’t call it the Fameasser.  Ziggler locks in a scissored sleeper and wins by referee stop in 4:27.  The environment made this way more fun to watch than it should have been.

The Hart Dynasty chat backstage about working through their problems.  They encounter Tony Atlas, who babbles about teaming with Rocky Johnson back in the day and rubs WD-40 onto his skin.  Hilarious.  Commercials.

Backstage, Tony Atlas is STILL rambling!  Yoshi Tatsu is listening, and feigns committing seppuku.

Non-Title: WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater of The Nexus vs. The Hart Dynasty.  Smith and Slater start with a great wrestling exchange.  Gabriel throws some kicks, but Smith catches one and trips him.  Smith beats up Gabriel.  Smith hits ROLLING BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEXES for 2.  Slater saves.  Slater tags in.  Smith powerslams him and hits a leg drop for 2.  Smith goes for the running powerslam, but gets distracted by Gabriel.  Slater gets the advantage on Smith.  Nexus make quick tags and work Smith over.  Smith goes to tag in Kidd, but Kidd TURNS HEEL and kicks him in the head!  Gabriel hits the 450 splash on Smith for the pin in 3:05.  The Hart Dynasty has finally collapsed!

Mean Gene Okerlund interviews WWE Champion Randy Orton (w/ his dad, “Cowboy” Bob Orton Jr.).  R-Truth interrupts to tell him about how Cena is going to fuck him on Sunday.  Orton says he’s going to kick Cena in the head tonight to keep that from happening.  Commercials.

Random note: I also love the old school shirts everyone is wearing tonight.

Old school WWEShop.com plug with Mean Gene plugging old school merchandise!

Justin Roberts introduces Howard Finkel, who will be doing ring announcing for at least the next match.  He’s still awesome.  He should be doing ring announcing full time!  He introduces The Brooklyn Brawler (w/ Harvey Whippleman)!  They heel on the crowd and issue an open challenge to anyone from “the new school.”  ZEKE accepts!

The Brooklyn Brawler (w/ Harvey Whippleman) vs. Ezekiel Jackson.  Zeke hits a shoulder block.  Brawler talks shit, shoves Zeke, and tries to slam him.  Zeke mauls him.  Zeke hits the Book of Ezekiel for the pin in 50 seconds.  Awesome!

Tonight, John Cena vs. The Miz!  Old school match graphics!  Commercials!

The 5 lesser members of The Nexus are backstage.  David Otunga says that somebody needs to deal with R-Truth.  He calls himself “leader,” which Barrett overhears.  Barrett tells Otunga that he’ll be the one facing R-Truth tonight.  Cole gets an email from the iBooker 9000.  Shouldn’t they use an old computer for this?  iBooker says Otunga already has a “special” match tonight, so Barrett will face R-Truth tonight.  Barrett is fine with this.  Harris says they have his back, but Barrett says he’ll handle this.  John Cena comes in to talk about whatever.  Barrett orders Harris and McGillicutty to have Cena’s back tonight.  Cena declines.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night, but it’s written OLD SCHOOL!

John Cena and The Miz (w/ Alex Riley) come out for their match.  They show Miz screwing Randy Orton in the 10-man tag last week.  Miz cuts a promo and sends Riley to fight in his stead.

John Cena vs. Alex Riley (w/ The Miz).  They lock up.  Cena hits a snap mare.  Cole babbles about not knowing what year it is.  Cena outclasses Riley some more.  Riley lands an elbow smash.  Miz decks Cena behind the referee’s back.  Riley pounds on Cena.  Cena fights back, but misses Riley in the corner and eats turnbuckle pads.  Riley beats up Cena some more.  Riley hits a move that we don’t see because the camera was focused on Miz for 2.  Retarded camera work in this match.  Cena makes his comeback.  Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment, then locks in the STF for the win in 3:43.  It was fine.

Randy Orton runs out and brawls with Miz.  Husky Harris and Michael McGillicutty jump Orton.  Orton kicks their asses.  Cena and Orton face off and brawl.  The old school referees and officials (including Tony Garea!) break them up.  Cole gets an email from the iBooker.  Ugh.  iBooker says that later tonight, Cena and Orton will be guests on Piper’s Pit!  Thank God we don’t have to suffer through another Orton/Cena match tonight.  Commercials!

The recognized symbol of excellence in sports entertainment!  They play that and the open again.  I don’t know why, and I don’t care.  It’s cool.

Cole and Lawler talk.

Howard Finkel introduces The Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff!  Volkoff sings the Soviet national anthem.  In 2010.  Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov come out.  Kozlov wants to sing the Soviet anthem with Volkoff!  They sing!  This rules!  Santino stops them because it’s awful.  He wants to sing his own song.  He brings out THE DOCTOR OF STYLE, SLICK!  SLICK COMES OUT TO JIVE SOUL BRO!  THIS IS THE GREATEST SHOW EVER!  Sheik babbles incoherently.  I can’t believe they gave that man a live mic.  The Usos come out.  We’ve got a tag title #1 Contender match next.  In the Usos’ corner will be JIMMY “SUPERFLY” SNUKA!  Commercials.

WWE Tag Team Championship #1 Contenders Match: Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov vs. Jimmy & Jey Uso (w/ Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka & Tamina).  JIP.  The Usos get the heat on Santino.  Santino hits Jey with a judo throw and gator rolls him to the corner.  Kozlov tags in and hits Jey with a fall away slam.  Santino tags in and hits a slam thingy for 2.  Kozlov tags back in and beats up Jey some more.  Jimmy blind tags in and takes out Kozlov’s leg.  Jimmy hits a jumping headbutt for 2.  Jimmy hits a backdrop suplex for 2.  Jimmy works a rear chin lock.  Kozlov breaks free and knocks Jimmy across the ring with a battering ram headbutt.  Jey tags in and cuts Kozlov off from making the tag.  Santino gets knocked off the apron, then distracts the referee so his partner can get double teamed.  The Usos work over Kozlov.  Jimmy tries to knock Santino off again, but Santino decks him.  Kozlov makes the hot tag to Santino, who runs wild on Jimmy.  Confusion ensues.  Actually, I think that’s Jey getting run wild upon.  Santino hits the Cobra on Jey for the pin (about 5 1/2 minutes shown).  This wasn’t any good.

Sheamus runs in, drops Kozlov and the Usos, and goes after Santino.  Santino begs off.  John Morrison appears, low bridges Sheamus out of the ring, and knocks him off the apron with an enzuigiri.  Morrison says he keeps attacking Sheamus because Sheamus is a bully who will run away when confronted.  He challenges Sheamus to fight.  Sheamus does just as Morrison said he would and leaves.

Tonight, Piper’s Pit with Cena and Orton!  Commercials!

The Survivor Series song is some crappy song by some crappy band.

David Otunga vs. Kofi Kingston.  Inset promo from Kingston!  Kingston lands some leg kicks, then grabs a side headlock.  Otunga catches a cross body and slams Kingston.  Otunga slams Kingston again.  And again.  Cover gets 2.  Otunga grabs a headlock.  Kofi fights out.  Otunga hits what Cole calls an elbow but what looked to me like a back butt for 2.  Otunga grabs a chin lock.  Kofi fights back and starts his comeback.  Double clothesline spot.  George “The Animal” Steele comes out and teases eating the turnbuckle pad.  The referee stops him, so he eats one in a different corner.  Otunga is back on his feet and his like “WTF?”  Kofi gets up and rams his head into the exposed turnbuckle, then hits the Trouble In Paradise for the pin in 4:50.  Heh.

Gerald Brisco and Arn Anderson compliment John Morrison on dealing with Sheamus.  Sheamus hits Morrison with the pump kick out of nowhere and accepts his challenge for a match… at Survivor Series.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Aksana walks around backstage with the Million Dollar Championship.  “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan shows up to tell her that her mom is there.  Huh?  It’s Dusty Rhodes with a curly blond wig.  He has Kelly Kelly drop a net on her.  Goldust steals the Million Dollar belt back from her.  He returns the belt to it’s rightful owner, “The Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiase.  Irwin R. Schyster promises to find him a good tax shelter.  Dibiase tries to give the belt back to his son, Ted Dibiase Jr., but Jr. doesn’t want it.  Cody Rhodes says “that ended far from dashing.”  Goldust and Cody walk away.  Dusty says “I raised some weird kids.”  They play Dusty’s “Common Man” theme.  Dusty, Tatanka, and Hacksaw dance. Ron Simmons sees this and says “DAMN!”  Funny stuff.

Earlier tonight, SHIT WENT DOWN between John Cena and Randy Orton.

R-Truth and Eve Torres are headed our way!  Commercials!

WWE.com plug.

“Promotional Consideration Paid For By The Following…”  R.D. Reynolds just WrestleCrapped his pants.

R-Truth (w/ Eve Torres) vs. Wade Barrett.  They brawl.  Truth flips around and hits the break dancing kick.  Truth clotheslines Barrett out of the ring and hits him with a somersault dive.  Back inside, Truth goes up top.  Barrett goes to cut him off.  Truth jumps over him, but Barrett catches Truth with a sidewalk slam.  Barrett his a suplex for 2.  Barrett hits a diving elbow drop for 2.  Barrett his a backbreaker for 2.  John Cena and Randy Orton are both show watching backstage.  Truth gets an inside cradle that we almost missed for 2.  Barrett applies a rear chin lock.  Truth makes his comeback and gets a fancy cradle for 2.  Truth hits a front suplex for 2.  Barrett avoids the scissors kick and goes for the Wasteland.  Truth counters, but gets booted in the face.  Barrett hits the Wasteland for the pin in 5:06.  It was fine.

Tonight, Cena and Orton on Piper’s Pit!  Commercials!

They play the opens again.

Cole and Lawler goof off.

Ricardo Rodriguez is here!  That’s 3 ring announcers tonight.  Tito Santana comes out to cut him off and introduces Alberto Del Rio himself!  Del Rio has Chavo Classic driving him!  Del Rio cuts a promo.  He wants the other legends to kiss his ass like Tito and Chavo.  Sergeant Slaughter comes out and cuts an awesome promo.  “Shut your hole, puke, and listen up!  There’s 2 things you don’t mess with: Legends and America!”  He challenges Del Rio to a match.  Del Rio accepts.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Sergeant Slaughter.  Del Rio beats on Slaughter.  Slaughter locks in the Cobra Clutch.  Del Rio gets a rope break and elbows Sarge in the face.  Del Rio hits a clothesline for 2.  Del Rio applies a rear chin lock.  Slaughter fights out.  Del Rio beats him up some more.  Sarge locks in the Cobra Clutch again.  Del Rio backs him into the corner and breaks free, then whips Sarge into the corner and hits an enzuigiri for the pin in 1:54.  It was what it was.  Del Rio applies the cross armbreaker after the match.  MVP comes out and runs off Del Rio.

Mean Gene plugs WWE merchandise again.  Commercials.

Cole and Lawler talk.  Cole is being a dick,

WrestleMania tickets went on sale last weekend!

Mean Gene Okerlund brings out Mae Young!  She’s escorted by the Bella Twins.  Poor thing.  They show a really old black & white picture.  Mae was a babe in her day.  They show a video package on some of her exploits.  Unified WWE Divas Champions Michelle McCool & Layla come out to be obnoxious bitches and ruin a feel good moment.  Mae Young wants a match “with these sluts!”  She’s a feisty old gal!  “You little bitches, let’s go!”  LayCool laugh.  The bell rings.  This is a real match!  Falls count anywhere!

Handicap Falls Count Anywhere Match: Mae Young (w/ The Bella Twins) vs. Unified WWE Divas Champions Michelle McCool & Layla.  Natalya, Gail Kim, Melina, and Eve Torres come out and beat up LayCool.  Mae slaps Layla and pins her in 54 seconds!  Awesome!  Commercials!  That was AWESOME!

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Howard Finkel introduces JIM ROSS to do commentary on the next match!  YAY!  Michael Cole is not happy about this.

Non-Title: WWE United States Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Jack Swagger.  It’s so good to hear J.R. again.  Bryan and Swagger lock up.  Awesome grappling.  Danielson counters out of the ankle lock and lands a Mirko Cro Cop head kick.  Cole needs to shut the fuck up and let J.R. talk.  More awesome grappling on the mat.  Danielson leapfrogs Swagger and  lands a dropkick for 1.  Danielson back flips over Swagger and gets booted in the face.  Commercials.  Cole needs to SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP RUINING THE MOMENT.  Jim Ross welcomes us back to Raw as Swagger has Bryan in a hold.  Cole is BEING A FUCKING IGNORANT PRICK AND NEEDS TO FUCK OFF AND DIE.  Swagger beats up Bryan.  Swagger gator rolls Bryan out of the ring and pounds him on the apron.  I’d give my right nut for the chance to punch Michael Cole in the face right now.  Bryan low bridges Swagger out of the ring.  COLE NEEDS TO FUCK OFF.  Danielson lands a baseball slide dropkick, then hits a flying knee off the apron!  STOP CUTTING TO COLE, YOU FUCKS!  Back inside, Danielson hits a missile dropkick for 2.  Bryan kicks the crap out of Swagger.  Swagger catches his leg and goes for the ankle lock.  Bryan flips Swagger into the corner, then misses Swagger in the corner and hurts himself.  SHUT UP, COLE!  Swagger hits a Vader Bomb for 2.  Lawler finally tells Cole to “shut the hell up.”  Swagger hits another Vader Bomb.  He goes for the Doctor Bomb, but Danielson dead weights him and goes for the LeBell Lock.  Swagger counters into a backbreaker.  Danielson counters the Doctor Bomb again and lands the high kick for the pin in 10:44.  Awesome match that even Cole’s retardation couldn’t ruin.  Ted Dibiase Jr. appears and hits Bryan with the Dream Street, then poses with the United States title belt as his awful music plays.  Maryse comes out just so they can leave together.  Cole needs to fuck off and die.

Survivor Series hype.

J.R. slaps Cole with his cowboy hat!  YAY!

Orton and Cena are headed our way!  Commercials!

Promotional consideration paid for by the following!

Justin Roberts introduces the legends to the crowd: Jimmy Snuka, Bob Orton Jr., Irwin R. Schyster, Tito Santana, Sergeant Slaughter, Jim Duggan, Brooklyn Brawler, Chavo Classic, Mean Gene Okerlund, Howard Finkel, Mae Young, Gerald Brisco, Ted Dibiase, Slick, Tatanka, Tony Atlas, Arn Anderson, Ron Simmons, Dusty Rhodes, George Steele, Jim Ross, The Iron Sheik, and Nikolai Volkoff.  That’s nice!  “Hey, here’s a bunch of our agents and other guys we’ve fired a bunch of times!” -My buddy mhirn.

“Rowdy” Roddy Piper comes out to do Piper’s Pit!  He cuts a promo, then introduces John Cena.  Piper bitches at Cena about disrespecting legends by possibly giving Wade Barrett the WWE Championship this Sunday.  He urges Cena to do the ring thing.  Cena replies at length about his respect for the legends.  He says he’ll call the match right down the middle.  That means he’s going to screw someone.  Wade Barrett comes out and says that’s fine, because he doesn’t need help to win, but Cena is still fired if Barrett loses.  Piper bitches Barrett out in awesome crazy old man style.  Barrett bitches at Piper, then Cena.  He forces Cena to put on a Nexus t-shirt.  Why the hell is he just now doing that?  Cena puts the shirt on, then tells Barrett he’s going to turn his face into mush on Sunday.  Barrett says Nexus will kick Cena’s ass before he can hurt Barrett.  WWE Champion Randy Orton comes out, talks to Cena for a minute, then beats up Barrett.  Orton humps the mat.  Cena intervenes before Orton can hit the RKO or come or whatever he’s trying to do.  Orton RKOs Cena and goes for the PUNT OF DEATH.  Barrett cuts him off.  Cena avoids the punt and hits the Attitude Adjustment.  Barrett orders Cena to raise his hand.  Cena gives Barrett the Attitude Adjustment instead.  He takes off the Nexus shirt and throws it on Barrett.  Piper raises Cena’s hand to close the show.  Why isn’t Miz cashing in right now while the getting is good?

I don’t care if most of the wrestling sucked (I say “most” because Bryan vs. Swagger was awesome), this show ruled!

AWA SuperClash III

Posted in AWA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 4, 2010 by Grappleholic

Larry Nelson introduces the show.  Lee Marshall joins him.  This a very old video, and not the best quality.  I hope I can get through it.  Marshall and Ray Stevens are the announcers.  Gary Michael Cappetta is the ring announcer.  He introduces various people.  The audio and video are kind of out of sync.  I hope that doesn’t drive me too insane.

Cactus Jack & AWA Southern Tag Team Champions The Rock & Roll RPMs vs. Chavo, Mando, & Hector Guerrero.  Hector does some break dancing, then avoids being doubled teamed by the RPMs.  He takes them over with a headlock/head scissors combo.  Cactus and Mando tag in.  Mando gets a sunset flip, but puts him into the ropes.  Cactus throws some punches and sends Mando out of the ring.  Cactus follows him out and gets backdropped on the concrete.  The Guerreros works Cactus’ leg.  Cactus tags in one of the RPMs.  Chavo takes him over with a head scissors.  The Guerreros do flippy stuff to the RPMs as a clusterfuck ensues.  When I finally figure out which RPM is which, Cactus comes back in and beats up Chavo.  The RPMs and Cactus take turns beating up Chavo.  Hector tags in and dropkicks everybody.  Another clusterfuck ensues.  Mike Davis accidentally clotheslines Tommy Lane.  The Guerreros dispose of the heels.  Chavo pins Lane with a moonsault body block in 6:33.  Fun little opener.

Larry Nelson interviews the POWW Champion Nina (the future Ivory).

WCCW World Light Heavyweight Championship Match: Jeff Jarrett (c) vs. Eric Embry.  They lock up.  They break and lock up again.  Repeat.  They trade hammerlocks in a fast and furious fashion.  Repeat.  They counter hip toss attempts, then shove each other.  Jarrett works Embry’s arm.  Embry escapes and drops Jarrett with a lariat.  Embry dodges a cross body, causing Jarrett to take a bump on his shoulder.  Jarrett rolls to the floor and sells it.  Jarrett makes it back in.  Embry attacks the injured shoulder.  Jarrett rallies and hits a missile dropkick, but hurts his shoulder.  Jarrett gets a sunset flip for 2, then a backslide for 2, then an inside cradle for 2, then another sunset flip.  Embry counters it and pins Jarrett with a prawn hold in 4:14.  Fine little match.  Embry regains the title for the fourth time, according to Cappetta.  Lee Marshall interviews Embry.  Embry says he’ll give Jarrett a rematch anytime, then goes to the back to check on his condition.  What a nice guy.

Larry Nelson interviews The Terrorist.

Jimmy Valiant vs. Wayne Bloom.  Bloom jumps Valiant and kicks his ass.  Valiant kicks Bloom’s ass back.  Valiant gets the pin with an elbow drop in 25 seconds.  Whatever.

Larry Nelson interviews some guy and Bambi.  The guy is POWW promoter David McClane.  POWW is a women’s promotion and they’re doing some stupid Lingerie Street Fight Battle Royal.

Verne Gagne has at some point replaced Ray Stevens on commentary.

WCCW Texas Heavyweight Championship Match: Iceman King Parsons (c) vs. Brickhouse Brown.  They shove each other.  Brown grabs a side headlock, then drops Parsons with a shoulder block and a dropkick.  Parsons bails.  Back inside, they lock up.  Brown works a headlock for a couple of hours.  He drops Parsons twice more with shoulder blocks, then hits a fucked up spinning backslide for 2.  Parsons bails again.  Brown works the headlock for another day or so.  Parsons escapes and hits a butt butt.  Parsons hits a weak clothesline for 2.  Parsons hits a suplex for 2.  Brown hits a cross body for 2.  Parsons knocks Brown down with some punches for 2.  He argues with the ref.  Trust me, Iceman, I wish this match was over, too.  Parsons tries a piledriver, but fails and gets backdropped.  Brown makes his comeback.  Parsons begs off.  Brown puts the boots to him in the corner, then beats him up some more.  Brown hits a half assed cross body and covers.  He thinks he got the pin, but Parsons’ foot was on the ropes.  Parsons punches Brown with and gets the pin in 5:42.  This sucked.  Marshall interviews Parsons.  Ugh.

Larry Nelson interviews Brandi Mae and Pocahontas.  This whole stupid match is about the Terrorist ripping up Brandi’s shorts.  Pocohantas promises to war dance tonight.  That David guy strikes me as a sleaze ball.

There’s some kind of convoluted six-person tag.  Cappetta says the titles are on the the line, so whatever.  Diamond Dallas Page interrupts the ring announcing.  Whatever, let’s just get this over with.

AWA World Tag Team Championship & AWA World Women’s Championship Match: Badd Company (c) & Madusa Miceli (w/ Diamond Dallas Page) vs. The Top Guns & Wendi Richter (c).  Everybody brawls.  The faces whip the heels into each other.  The Top Guns double team Pat Tanaka.  Dukes works over Tanaka.  Diamond tags in and beats up Dukes.  Diamond misses Dukes in the corner.  Richter tags in and tries to pull Madusa in the ring.  Madusa pulls across the top rope, then comes in the ring and beats her up.  Richter fights back and throws her around.  Richter missed a dropkick.  Richter hits a powerbomb, but Diamond saves.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Tanaka savate kicks Richter, then accidentally kicks Madusa.  Richter pins Madusa in 5:44.  The Top Guns spank Madusa.  The Top Guns are announced as the World Tag Team Champions, but history says otherwise.  I don’t know what the fuck happened there, and I don’t care.  The heels bitch at Lee Marshall.  Madusa slaps Tanaka and Page.  Badd Company and Page yell abuse at Madusa after she leaves and call her a bimbo.

Lee Marshall interviews WCCW World Heavyweight Champion Kerry Von Erich, with his young daughter Holly.  He says he’ll prove tonight that he’s the one and only World Heavyweight Champion.

AWA International Television Championship Match: Ron Garvin vs. Greg Gagne.  Stevens is back on commentary now.  Make up your minds!  The title is held up.  They lock up.  Garvin beats up Gagne.  Yay!  Gagne beats up Garvin.  Boo!  Garvin beats up Gagne some more.  Gagne back body drops Garvin for 2.  Gagne works Garvin’s arm.  Garvin fights back and beats up Gagne.  Garvin gets an inside cradle for 2.  I swear it sounds like Marshall keeps calling him “Garmin.”  They end up stuck on the ropes for a minute, then Garvin beats up Gagne on the outside.  Gagne makes it back inside and wins by count-out in 5:52.  Garvin puts Gagne in a sleeper.  Gagne escapes and puts Garvin in a sleeper.  THE FUCKING MATCH IS OVER, STOP TORTURING ME!  Gagne wins the vacant title.  This sucked.  A lot.  Marshall interviews Gagne.  I don’t care.

Still to come, the stupid 80’s eye candy match.

Larry Nelson interviews Verne Gagne.  Diamond Dallas Page interrupts.  He leaves, and Verne keeps talking.  Fuck.  And there are a lot of matches still to come.  Double fuck.

They a clip of a Jerry Lawler/Kerry Von Erich match from Memphis.

Nelson interviews the AWA World Heavyweight Champion, Jerry “The King” Lawler.

Cappetta introduces that annoying sleazy David McLane to do the ring announcing for the stupid women’s match.

Beverly Hills Lingerie Street Fight Battle Royal featuring Laurie Lynn, Luna Vachon, Peggy Lee Leather, Pali the Syrian Terrorist, Malibu, Bambi, Pocahontas, Brandi Mae, and POWW Champion Nina.  They fight.  It sucks.  They’re all in street clothes.  People get eliminated.  It comes down to Pali and Brandi Mae.  They fight horribly.  Brandi rips a Pali’s weird leotard thing.  Pali chokes Brandi with her stockings or something.  Fuck, I want this to end.  Pali eliminates Brandi and wins after a horribly long 8:33.  It was terrible.  Pali talks, then Marshall interviews her so she can talk some more.

Larry Nelson interviews Peggy Lee Leather.  Luna interrupts and cuts a weird promo.  This segment sucks too.

Lee Marshall puts over random people.  He talks to PWI Editor Bill Apter.  Apter is going to present an award to Jerry “The King” Lawler.

Larry Nelson interviews Sergeant Slaughter.

Boot Camp Match: Colonel DeBeers (w/ Diamond Dallas Page) vs. Sergeant Slaughter.  Sarge beats the shit out of DeBeers to start.  I didn’t hear an opening bell.  Maybe they don’t need one, since this is anything goes.  I don’t know.  DeBeers gets the shit beat out of him, then chokes Sarge with something.  Sarge stops being choked and beats up DeBeers some more.  They fight outside.  Page steals Sarge’s combat helmet.  DeBeers hits Slaughter with one of the things that they string a rope in that I guess does service for a guardrail here.  Page gives DeBeers Sarge’s helmet.  Page holds Sarge for DeBeers to hit.  Sarge ducks and Page gets knocked off of the apron.  Sarge makes a comeback and takes his helmet back.  Sarge headbutts DeBeers with the helmet a bunch of times.  Sarge hits a clothesline (the Slaughter Cannon), then locks in the Cobra Clutch.  Sarge wins by submission in about 6 minutes.  Sheik Adnan El Kaissey runs and The Iron Sheik run in and they all beat up Sarge.  The Guerreros make the save!  Sarge takes a swing at Chavo.  That dick.  Sarge goes after the Iron Sheik.  Shit eventually calms down and Marshall interviews Slaughter.  This match sucked.  Sarge recites the pledge of allegiance.

Larry Nelson is with Bill Apter and Jerry Lawler.  Apter presents Lawler with the Most Inspirational Wrestler of the Year Award.

WCCW World Tag Team Championship Match: The Samoan Swat Team (c) (w/ Buddy Roberts) vs. Michael Hayes & Steve Cox.  Samu and Hayes lock up.  They hammer each other in the corner.  Hayes whips Samu into Cox’s boot.  Cox tags in and twists Samu’s arm.  Fatu runs in and nails Cox, but Cox doesn’t let go.  Hayes runs over and knocks Fatu off of the apron.  Cox avoids a cross body and hits an arm drag on Samu, then cranks on the arm again.  Samu accidentally clocks Fatu and knocks him off the apron again.  The exact same thing happens again a minute later.  The SST finally manage to get heat on Cox.  Fatu puts him in a nerve hold.  Cox hits the ropes and knocks Samu off the apron, then he and Fatu clothesline each other.  Hayes gets the hot tag and runs wild.  Cox takes out Samu with a dive to the outside.  Hayes hits a DDT on Fatu.  Roberts comes in behind the referee’s back and hits Hayes in the back of the head with something, allowing Fatu to get the pin in 7:53.  Decent enough match.

Larry Nelson interviews the Iron Sheik and Sheik Adnan El Kaissey.

Prior to the strap match, Cappetta introduces a special guest, the IWGP Heavyweight Champion, Tatsumi Fujinami!  Fernandez bad mouths Fujinami.  Fujinami holds Fernandez to let Wahoo nail him!

Indian Strap Match: Manny Fernandez vs. Wahoo McDaniel.  Wahoo whips Manny’s hand with the strap.  Ouch.  Wahoo shows his expertise with the strap, using it to snapmare Fernandez, then choke him, then whip him.  Fernandez gets the advantage and beats up Wahoo.  Wahoo is BUSTED WIDE OPEN!  Manny touches one corner before Wahoo cuts him off.  They trade chops.  Manny gets BUSTED WIDE OPEN as well.  Wahoo beats him up.  Wahoo touches 3 corners before Manny manages to cut him off.  Fernandez hits a diving knee drop.  Manny goes up top, stupidly, and Wahoo pulls him off by the strap, predictably.  Wahoo touches 3 corners.  Manny kicks him into the 4th corner to give Wahoo the win in 7:49.  Manny keeps beating on Wahoo, but Fujinami makes the save!  Lee Marshall interviews Wahoo.

Larry Nelson interviews Verne Gagne and AWA President Stanley Blackburn.

Al Lerner (who?) is the guest ring announcer for the main event.  Lawler and Von Erich both cut promos before the match.

Title Unification Match: AWA World Heavyweight Champion Jerry “The King” Lawler vs. WCCW World Heavyweight Champion “The Modern Day Warrior” Kerry Von Erich.  Lawler plays chickenshit to start.  Lawler rams Von Erich’s arm into the top turnbuckle to “bust it open” (Kerry had cut his arm open before the match because he was coked up or something).  They lock up.  Von Erich hits Lawler with a punch that sends him ass over teakettle.  Kerry hits Lawler with a vicious clothesline.  Repeat.  They lock up again.  Lawler avoids a clothesline… but gets clotheslined again anyway.  WCCW booker Frank Dusek is at ringside.  Kerry wants a test of strength.  Lawler stupidly obliges.  Kerry hits a discus lariat for a pair of 2 counts.  They roll around on the mat.  Lawler hits Von Erich with some great punches and knocks him out of the ring.  Kerry goes for a slingshot splash, but Lawler catches him with his knees.  Lawler hits a piledriver.  Kerry no sells it.  Lawler struts around and turns around into a tornado punch.  Kerry covers for 2.  Kerry goes for the Claw, but Lawler fights it.  Lawler avoids a knee drop.  Lawler gets a cover, but Kerry throws him on top of the referee.  Kerry hits a piledriver, but by the time the referee wakes up, Lawler manages to kick out at 2.  Kerry beats up Lawler some more.  Kerry goes for a tornado punch outside, but Lawler ducks and Kerry punches the post.  Lawler pulls an object out of his tights and hits Von Erich with it, then hits a diving fist drop.  Lawler hits another fist drop, then another diving one with his object.  Kerry catches him with the Claw to the stomach.  Kerry is BUSTED WIDE OPEN!  Kerry shifts the Claw to Lawler’s forehead.  Lawler gets a rope break.  Kerry puts the Claw back on.  They get up.  Lawler avoids Kerry in the corner and Kerry hits the turnbuckles.  Kerry punches Lawler some.  Lawler hits Kerry with his object again.  Frank Dusek yells.  It’s No DQ, so quit your bitching!  Lawler punches Kerry’s blood forehead.  Lawler goes into his Muhammad Ali routine and hits Kerry with a bunch of jabs.  Lawler punches Kerry with his object again.  Kerry falls out of the ring, where Dusek checks on him.  Kerry comes back in.  The referee checks the cut.  Lawler punches him again.  They trade punches.  Kerry beats up Lawler.  The punch each other down.  Kerry covers for 2, then applies the Claw again.  Lawler gets his shoulder up repeatedly.  The referee stops it due to Kerry’s blood loss at 18:53.  Lawler is awarded the match, despite being down and out.  Dusek bitches at the referee.  Kerry leaves with the belts.  Lawler did what he could to hold the match together, but it wasn’t very good.  Lawler is announced as the winner, despite the fact that Kerry stole the belts, presumably to buy more coke.  Marshall interviews Lawler after the match.

Larry Nelson interviews the bloody mess that is Kerry Von Erich.  They show clips of the match.  Stanley Blackburn defends the referee’s decision.

The Stud Stable (w/ Sylvia) vs. The Rock & Roll Express.  Ricky Morton and Jimmy Golden start.  Morton hits an arm drag.  Robert Fuller comes in and gets arm dragged, too.  Robert Gibson comes in and everybody brawls.  Studs bail.  Morton holds Golden in a front face lock for a bit.  Everybody ends up in the ring fighting again.  Studs bail again.  Gibson and Fuller run the ropes.  Golden knees Gibson in the back from the apron.  Fuller sends Gibson out of the ring.  Sylvia whacks Gibson with her big stick.  Studs beat up Gibson.  Gibson gets thrown out and beaten with the stick again.  Golden puts Gibson in an abdominal stretch, using the ropers for leverage.  Gibson gets free.  Morton tags in and half assed runs wild.  Clusterfuck ensues again.  R&R hit a double dropkick on one of them.  They all brawl, leading to a double DQ in 7:03.  Whatever.  Marshall interviews the Rock & Roll Express.

Larry Nelson interviews the Stud Stable.

Lee Marshall interviews Verne Gagne at ringside.

And finally this horrible fucking show ends.  Aside from a couple of good short matches at the beginning, this show sucked in pretty much every way.

WWE Monday Night Raw 3/29/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 29, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open, followed by highlights of the Undertaker/Shawn Michaels match from last night’s WrestleMania.

Raw open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are the announcers.  Tonight is Shawn Michaels’ farewell.

Batista comes out and cuts a promo.  Cena beating him was a fluke, nobody will remember WrestleMania (WTF?), etc. etc.  Crowd chants “YOU TAPPED OUT!”  He did.  Batista wants his rematch.  He says Cena can’t beat him, despite the fact that Cena beat him clean as a sheet last night.  The NEW WWE Champion John Cena comes out.  Cena says he beat Batista at WrestleMania.  He did.  Crowd chants “CENA SUCKS!”  He makes fun of Batista for tapping out, then offers Batista his rematch TONIGHT!  Cena says Batista will bitch out and refuse the match tonight.  Batista bitches out and refuses the match tonight.  They brawl for a second, then Batista bails.  Jack Swagger ambushes Cena with the briefcase and says he’s cashing in Money In The Bank!  Cena comes back to life and goes for for the STF.  Swagger bails, changes his mind, grabs the briefcase, and leaves.

Shawn Michaels moment: The Rockers make their WWF debut against the Rougeau Brothers.

Slam of the Week: The Orton/Dibiase/Rhodes match from last night.

A whole bunch of legends come out!  Ted Dibiase, Nick Bockwinkel, Pat Patterson, Irwin R. Schyster, and Arn Anderson!  Roddy Piper, Sergeant Slaughter, Tony Garea, and Ricky Steamboat follow!  Jerry Lawler joins them around the ring.  Justin Roberts introduces tonight’s guest hosts, Clark Duke and Rob Corddry from Hot Tub Time Machine.  Ah, I get it.  They announce Batista & Swagger vs. Cena & a partner of his choice, and a hot tub match with Duke & Corddry vs. The Divas.  The legends are around the ring for a Legends Lumberjack Match.

Legends Lumberjack Match: Christian vs. Ted Dibiase Jr.  JIP.  Christian hits his diving sunset flip for 2.  They slap each other.  Christian throws Dibiase out of the ring and the lumberjacks throw him back in.  Dibiase counters Christian’s tornado DDT and lands a kick to the face for 2.  Dibiase clamps on a rear chin lock.  Christian escapes and hits a missile dropkick for 2.  Dibiase goes for the Dream Street, but Christian counters.  Christian hits his corner kick and the diving European uppercut, then goes for the Killswitch.  Dibiase counters and clotheslines him, taking them both of the ring.  The lumberjacks throw them in, then start brawling amongst themselves.  Christian hits the Killswitch for the pin (about 3 minutes shown).  This was fun.  Dibiase Sr. comes in the ring to help his son up.  Dibiase Jr. shoves him and leaves.  Major boos for that.

Shawn Michaels moment: Throwing Marty Jannetty through the Barber Shop window.  Michaels’ farewell is TONIGHT!

Triple H is headed our way!

Plugs for the shitty Mania theme song and WWE.com.

WrestleMania Week highlights.

Clark Duke and Rob Corddry are backstage talking.  Santino Marella randomly walks by, says something, and leaves.  Duke and Corddry get in a hot tub with the very hot Bella Twins, the very hot Rosa Mendez, and the very hot Tiffany.  They agree to give whoever can stay in the longest a future Divas Championship match.  They drink champagne.  Whatever.

Triple H comes out to the stage and cuts an emotional promo about his friend, Shawn Michaels.  He says he has something to say to Shawn that he’s never said before.  Sheamus clobbers Triple H from behind with a lead pipe and we don’t get to hear Hunter profess his homosexual love for Michaels.

Moments ago, ^ happened.

Beth Phoenix, Mickie James, Gail Kim, Kelly Kelly, & Eve Torres vs. WWE Women’s Champion Michelle McCool, WWE Divas Champion Maryse, Vickie Guerrero, Alicia Fox, & Layla.  Great, have a rematch of the worst match on the show.  Eve and Maryse yell at each other.  Maryse poses and looks FINE.  Eve schoolgirls her for the pin in 21 seconds.  Vickie yells at the faces.  They take her jacket off an she bails.  The heels jump the faces, but the faces clean house.  Quick and painless.  All divas matches should be this long.

Shawn Michaels moment: The Ladder Match with Razor Ramon at WrestleMania X.

Tonight, Cena/X vs. Batista/Swagger!

Bret Hart is headed our way!

Shawn Michaels moment: The Iron Man Match with Bret at WrestleMania XII.

Bret Hart comes out.  He puts over Shawn Michaels and wishes him the best in his future endeavors.  He talks some more.  He has an awesome shirt on that has a photo of him and Owen wrestling.  He thanks the fans.  The Unified Tag Team Champions The Big Show & The Miz come out.  Miz insults Bret and puts himself over.  He’s the Tag champion and the United States Champion, people should be talking about him, etc.  He says he’s 1-0 at Mania, only 17 wins away from tying Undertaker’s streak.  Everybody laughs.  He calls Bret and his family overrated.  Bret challenges them to make him leave.  The Hart Dynasty come out to back up Bret.  Miz Show bail.  Bret challenges them to come back and wrestle the Hart Dynasty.  Miz is ready to go, but has to talk Show into it.  Commercials!

WrestleMania!

Non-Title: Unified WWE Tag Team Champions The Big Show & WWE United States Champion The Miz vs. The Hart Dynasty (w/ Bret Hart & Natalya).  JIP.  Smith hits the stall suplex on Miz.  Miz catches Smith with a kick, then gets clotheslined out of the ring.  Smith backdrops Kidd out of the ring to wipe out Miz.  Kidd chases Miz around the ring.  Show tags in.  Kidd goes right after him, but is overcome.  Show Miz get heat on Kidd.  Smith gets the hot tag and runs wild on Miz.  Springboard Hart Attack on Miz.  Kidd locks Miz in the Sharpshooter.  Show yells at Miz for not listening to him, then pulls Miz out of the ring.  Show Miz leave and get counted out (about 4 minutes shown).  It was good for what it was.  I hope this leads to the Harts getting a title shot.

Shawn Michaels moment: DX.

WWE Rewind: Money In The Bank Ladder Match from last night.

The hosts and the divas are still in the hot tub.  The divas look bored.  Tiffany and Rosa get creeped out and leave.  Their co-star Craig Robinson appears on the TV and tells the Bellas they win, then sends Mark Henry to get in the tub with them.  In a speedo.  Gross.  Hornswoggle is snorkeling in the tub.  At least the chicks were hot.

Earlier tonight, Sheamus killed Triple H with a lead pipe.

Jack Swagger comes out and cuts a promo about his briefcase.  The main event is next, I assume.

Batista & Jack Swagger vs. WWE Champion John Cena & Randy Orton.  So I guess Orton is officially babyface now.  Cena and Swagger lock up.  Cena hits the Fisherman’s suplex, then tags in Orton.  Orton does the Garvin Stomp to Swagger.  VINTAGE ORTON!  Orton humps the mat.  Swagger bails.  Commercials.  The bad guys get the heat on Cena.  Swagger hits the springboard Vader Bomb for 2.  Batista hits the spinebuster and goes for the Batista Bomb, but Cena backdrops his way free and makes the hot tag.  Swagger tags in as well.  Orton runs wild on him.  Orton hits the powerslam and then the 3.0.  Cover, but Batista saves.  Batista spears Cena.  Orton RKOs Batista, then RKOs Swagger for the pin in 8:05.  Fine match.  Orton celebrates.

Shawn Michaels moment: Michaels vs. Undertaker at WrestleMania XXV.  Shawn’s farewell is next.

Tomorrow night on NXT, the results of the first Pros Poll!

Justin Roberts introduces Shawn Michaels.  Before Michaels can speak, The Undertaker comes out to the stage, tips his hat to Michaels, and leaves.  Shawn says he doesn’t know what to say.  Crowd chants “PLEASE DON’T GO!”  Shawn talks about his career.  They show and old lady crying.  Crowd chants “THANK YOU SHAWN!”  Shawn talks for a bit more.  He says he’s reluctant to thank people for fear of forgetting someone, but he does thank Triple H for being his friend.  He puts over the cameramen, production crew, announcers, and Adam the video package guy.  The crowd ridiculously chants “ONE MORE MATCH!”  Shawn says he knows how people feel about career ending matches, and he doesn’t want to go back on his word.  He thanks Bret Hart and says he drove Bret crazy in the  90s and that Bret had every right to say everything he’s ever said about Shawn.  He thanks Bret for forgiving him, etc. etc.  He puts over Vince McMahon and thanks the fans, then puts over Jesus.  Can’t go wrong there.  He says to his wife and kids “Daddy’s comin’ home.”  He finishes by saying “‘The Heartbreak Kid’ Shawn Michaels has left the building.  I apologize for the shitty job I did of recapping this segment.  When he makes it to the top of the ramp. Triple H appears and they do all but make out.  Fin.

Fun show.  Nothing outstanding, but definitely worth watching.