Archive for Sacrifice

TNA iMPACT! 6/10/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 11, 2010 by Grappleholic

Ugh, here we go again.

“Last week on iMPACT!..” music video.

“A Flair For The Dramatic.”

Pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.  Tonight, Kurt Angle returns to the ring!  Also, they’ll show “never before seen footage” of Sting’s attack on Jeff Jarrett of Sacrifice.  Probably the exact same footage they showed last week, but now it’s never been seen.

AJ Styles, Desmond Wolfe, Kazarian, and Beer Money come out.  Styles says that he’s in charge in Flair’s absence.  He says they’re in an 8-man tag, then does some first grade math.  He says 5 guys in a group doesn’t work, and makes reference to the Beatles, the Fantastic 4, and the Four Horsemen.  He tries to kick Kazarian out of the group.  Jay Lethal comes out, this week playing the role of Ric Flair.  He does do a great Flair impersonation.  Lethal introduces his team for the 8-man tag: Abyss and Mr. Anderson.  Styles notes that that’s only 3.  Lethal says Abyss counts as 2.  The faces rush the ring and brawl with the 5 heels.  To the shock of absolutely no one, Jeff Hardy makes the save (running in through the crowd).  Man, this show is horribly written.

Weird backstage video promo with Brian Kendrick.

Brian Kendrick vs. Homicide.  Yes, Homicide is still employed.  TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams comes out to do commentary.  They lock up.  Homicide lands some punches that Kendrick sells like shotgun blasts.  Kendrick fights back.  Homicide goes for the Cop Killa, but Kendrick counters.  Homicide beats up Kendrick some more.  Homicide hits an Exploder for 2.  Homicide hits a Michinoku Driver II for 2.  Homicide continues beating up Kendrick.  Homicide unwraps his wrist tape to use.  The referee takes it away, so Homicide uses the tap from the other wrist to choke Kendrick.  Kendrick makes a comeback.  He knocks Homicide out to the ramp and ramps his head into the ramp.  Homicide empties out a toolbox from under the ring and grabs a screwdriver.  The referee takes it away.  Kendrick kicks Homicide in the face for the pin in 6:02.  Very oddly structured match.  At least Kendrick didn’t do the job right before his PPV title shot.

Ink Inc. and Team 3D are in the back.  Apparently Moore, Devon, and security are trying to hold Ray and Neal back from fighting.

Ink Inc. are in the ring.  Neal calls out Brother Ray.  Team 3D come out.  Agents (including Terry Taylor and Pat Kenney) try to keep order.  Neal accuses Bubba of laying them out and putting cards on them.  Bubba cuts a promo about how great he is and how Neal is nothing, just to show what a big prick he is.  Bubba calls more a bitch.  Moore calls Bubba a bully and a douchebag.  Well, he’s right.  Moore calls Devon Bubba’s puppet.  Devon cuts a promo on Moore, then tells Bubba to get his head straight and leave Neal alone.  Devon leaves.  Ray cheap shots Neal and runs away.

Slammiversary commercial.

They show Sting’s beat down of Jeff Jarrett from Sacrifice.  Fast forward.

Jeff Jarrett comments NEXT!

Eric Bischoff and Miss Tessmacher are with Matt Morgan backstage.  Morgan wants to know who his partner is at Slammiversary.  Bischoff says he has a partner for Morgan and his tag title rematch is next.

Jeff Jarrett talks about Sting destroying him.

Matt Morgan comes out.  Hulk Hogan follows and talks about Morgan being a prick.  He introduces Morgan’s partner, the returning Hernandez.  Hernandez kicks Morgan’s ass.  Hogan joins Tenay and Taz for commentary.  Hernandez chokes Morgan with his towel.  Hogan books Hernandez vs. Morgan for Slammiversary.  Geeks come out to put Morgan on a stretcher.  Wasn’t there supposed to be a tag title match somewhere in here?  Ah, here comes The Band.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match: Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, & Eric Young (c) vs. Matt Morgan.  Young pins Morgan on the stretcher in 17 seconds.

Christy Hemme interviews TNA World Heavyweight Champion Rob Van Dam.  Sting jumps RVD from behind and chokes him out, then steals the belt.

Moments ago, ^ happened.

People check on RVD.  He realizes his belt is gone and he’s pissed.

Kurt Angle comes out and cuts a promo.  He asked his X Divison friend to wrestle him tonight, and to hold nothing back.

Kurt Angle vs. Amazing Red.  They shake hands and lock up.  Red does his stuff and Angle hangs with him.  Angle hits a belly to belly suplex and a European uppercut.  Red side steps Angle and sends him outside.  Red goes for a dive, but Angle avoids it.  Red jumps off the apron and hits a rana.  Back inside, Angle NAILS Red with a clothesline.  Angle goes for the Angle Slam, but Red hits a DDT.  Red hits a jumping DDT for 2.  Angle hits a German suplex.  Red arm drages out of an Angle Slam attempt and hits a sick rana head drop and the Red Star Press for 2.  Angle avoids the Infra Red and hits the Angle Slam for the pin in 3:44.  Fun little match.  I wish Angle would stop getting dropped on his head and shit, though.  Angle helps Red up, raises his hand, and hugs him.

Sting talks to or about the World Championship belt.  He has “Deception” written on the belt.

Slammiversary hype video.

RVD goes to look for Sting in his clubhouse, or wherever the fuck Sting hangs out up there.

AJ Styles, Beer Money, & Desmond Wolfe vs. Jeff Hardy, Mr. Anderson, Abyss (w/ Chelsea), & Jay Lethal.  Roode and Lethal brawl to start.  Lethal hits a handspring elbow smash.  All of the faces deck Roode.  Abyss tags in.  Beer Money try to double team Abyss, but get fought off.  Anderson tags in against Storm.  Anderson and Hardy make quick tags and work over Storm’s arm.  Wolfe gets the tag and wrestles with Hardy.  Hardy hits a suplex for 2.  Styles tags in to work over Hardy.  Styles hits a knee drop for 2.  The heels isolate Hardy on their side of the ring and work him over.  Hardy reverses Wolfe into Beer Money’s boots.  Clusterfuck ensues briefly.  Hardy gets beaten up by the heels.  Double suplex by BEER!  MONEY!  Roode hits a knee drop for 2.  Roode hits the bottom rope decapitator thing for 2.  Lethal gets the tag, but the referee misses it and doesn’t allow it.  The heels continue beating up Hardy.  Hardy hits a jawbreaker on Styles, then drops him with a kick.  Hardy makes the hot tag to Lethal, who runs wild.  Lethal hits a move on Styles and covers, but Wolfe saves.  Everybody starts hitting signature moves.  Nigel hits the jawbreaker lariat on Abyss, then asks Chelsea for the chair she’s sitting in.  She hesitates, but Wolfe gets the chair.  Abyss punches it into his face.  Styles hits Abyss with the springboard forearm.  Lethal goes for a rana, but Styles catches him and hits the Styles Clash for the pin in 10:50.  Pretty good match.  I’m shocked they actually got some time and it wasn’t mostly commercials.

Sting isn’t in his clubhouse, he’s somewhere else.  Commercials.

RVD shows up at wherever Sting is.  Sting jumps him from behind and kicks his ass.  RVD fights back.  They brawl all over backstage and throw each other into shit.  They eventually make it to the ring.  RVD takes off Sting’s coat and the belt and continues to beat him up.  RVD wedges a chair between the top and middle turnbuckles.  They fight some more.  RVD lands a superkick.  Sting sends RVD’s head into the chair, then hits him in the back with the chair.  Sting says the belt is RVD’s until Sunday.  This whole thing was stupid.

There was some good stuff on this show, but as always, there was a bunch of crap and the writing is just fucking horrible.

TNA iMPACT! 5/20/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2010 by Grappleholic

Sacrifice highlight video.

“10 Card Stud”

Pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Tonight, the Top 10 Contenders will be announced!  Tonight, there will be an announcement regarding the main event of tonight’s show.  Well I fucking hope so.  Also, Kurt Angle returns.

Eric Bischoff comes out with Miss Tessmacher.  Bischoff introduces the top 10 contenders.  Each guy comes out to the ramp and they show a brief video package.  #10 is Samoa Joe.  #9 is TNA Global Champion Rob Terry.  #8 is Desmond Wolfe.  #7 is “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  #6 Abyss.  #5 is Mr. Anderson.  #4 is Jeff Hardy.  #3 is AJ Styles.  #2 is Kurt Angle (who doesn’t come out).  Crowd chants “WE WANT ANGLE!”  #1 is Sting.  WHAT THE FUCK?  These rankings are motherfucking retarded.  Sting comes to the ring.  Crowd chants “WE WANT A RECOUNT!”  Bischoff books Sting vs. Jeff Hardy for tonight.  Sting smashes the stupid poster things in the ring, the hits Abyss with the bat.  Abyss tries to make the save, but gets owned.  Hardy takes the bat from Sting.  Hardy slaps Sting.  Sting kicks Hardy in the balls and takes his bat back.  TNA World Champion Rob Van Dam comes out.  Hardy clips Sting’s leg and hits the Twist of Fate.  Hardy goes up top, but Sting leaves.  Just to recap, Sting vs. Hardy tonight and Sting vs. RVD for the World Title at Slammiversary.  This was all stupid.

Moments ago, some shitty booking was played out.

Matt Morgan bitches to Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff.  “They” want “their” rematch for the tag titles.

Roxxi, who looks totally different from the last time I saw her, comes out.  They show her breaking her ankle in a match against Ayako Hamada on New Years’ Eve.

Non-Title: Roxxi vs. TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne.  Roxxi seems freakishly tall.  She’s all over Rayne to start.  Rayne avoids a shot and attacks her.  Knee lift gets 1.  Rayne works Roxxi’s face.  Seriously.  Roxxi hits the Voodoo Drop for the pin in 2:42.  Whatever.  Rayne is pissed.

Chelsea bitches at Desmond Wolfe about having to be Abyss’ property for 30 days.  Wolfe reassures her.

Kurt Angle arrives with a goatee and refuses to answer some geek’s questions.

Kurt Angle music video.

Kurt Angle comes out and talks for a while.  He says he’s taking himself out of the #1 contender spot and he’s going to wrestle every one of the top contenders.

Christy Hemme talks to Ric Flair and Beer Money.  Beer Money are facing Jay Lethal and a partner tonight.  Kazarian comes in.  He wants to talk to Flair.

Tonight, Sting vs. Hardy.

Rob Terry says he has a knee injury, and he’s wrestling with it tonight.

Jeremy Borash is still doing ring announcing.

Non-Title: TNA Global Champion Rob Terry vs. Orlando Jordan.  Why the fuck are we doing this again?  Jordan goes on the attack.  Terry fights back.  Earl Hebner gets knocked down.  Jordan gets back dropped.  Cover gets 2.  Jordan attacks the injured knee and works it over.  Jordan locks in a knee bar.  Terry refuses to tap, but Hebner stops it and gives Jordan the win in 2:58.  It served its purpose, so I have no complaints.  Jordan attacks Terry again after the match and puts the hold back on.

Jay Lethal talks about his issues with Ric Flair.  Rob Van Dam offers to be his partner.  Lethal agrees.

Jeff Hardy applies his makeup and talks about idolizing Sting when he was a child.

Ink Inc. barge into Team 3D’s locker room.  Neal bitches at Bubba about the shit he pulled at the PPV, which was a dick move.  Neal and Bubba come to blows.

Beer Money vs. TNA World Heavyweight Champion Rob Van Dam & AJ Styles.  Lethal has his own music and gear and is no longer doing the Black Machismo gimmick.  Roode Pearl Harbors Lethal to start the match.  Lethal fights back.  Lethal goes up top, but Roode shoves him off.  Beer Money put the boots to Lethal.  Roode tags in and works him over.  Lethal gets turned inside out by a clothesline.  Beer Money hit a double back body drop on Lethal.  Roode takes over the punishment.  Lethal hits a handspring elbow smash and makes the tag to RVD.  RVD runs wild briefly, then gets cut off by Roode.  RVD rallies and hits the flying kick.  Cover, but Roode saves.  Lethal blind tags in and hits a missile dropkick on Roode.  Lethal hits the Lethal Combination.  RVD hits the Rolling Thunder.  Lethal locks Roode in the figure-four leglock.  RVD takes Storm out with a dive.  Roode submits to Lethal’s figure-four in 3:56.  Fun little tag match.  Ric Flair comes out and brawls with Lethal.  They brawl to the back.  RVD celebrates some more and slaps hands with fans.  A fan in a Sting mask hits RVD with a chair.  He takes off the mask to reveal… Sting!  Okay, that was fucking awesome.  Sting hits RVD again and leaves.

Recap of the shit Sting has pulled so far tonight.

Jeff Hardy is in the ring.  He cuts a promo on Sting and leaves.

Security tells Desmond Wolfe “It’s time.”  Wolfe tells Chelsea it’s going to be okay and bitches out the security guards.

Abyss comes to the ring and calls for Desmond Wolfe to bring him his new property.  Security brings Chelsea out, with Wolfe trailing behind and still acting all pissed off.  Abyss says he made Wolfe his bitch at Sacrifice, and tonight he’s taking his bitch.  Wolfe says Abyss will take Chelsea over his dead body.  He kicks Abyss and the security guards in the balls, then beats up the security guards.  I think they need better security.  Wolfe takes a glass bottle from Chelsea, breaks it, and threatens Abyss with it.  Wolfe cuts Abyss’ arm, then bitches at Chelsea.  Abyss’ arm is bleeding.  He knocks the bottle away and hits the Black Hole Slam on Wolfe.  Abyss carries Chelsea away, presumably to fuck repeatedly.

House show plugs.

TNA World Tag Team Champions The Band are in the ring.  Eric Young cuts a promo about having joined The Band.

Eric Young (w/ TNA World Tag Team Champions Kevin Nash & Scott Hall) vs. Shannon Moore (w/ Jesse Neal).  Young attacks.  Moore responds with lots of moves.  Young beats up Moore some more.  Diving elbow drop gets 2.  Young keeps the heat on.  Hebner catches Nash trying to interfere and stops him, but Young is doing fine on his own.  Young makes his comeback.  Brother Ray comes out.  Jesse Neal attacks him on the ramp.  Brother Devon comes out to break it up.  Hall hits Moore in the back with the belt.  Young hits a piledriver for the pin in 3:41.  It’s nice to see someone using the piledriver as a finish again.  Brother Ray attacks Neal again, just because he’s a dick.  He and Devon argue.

Sting vs. Hardy is still to come.

Taz and Tenay talk about the situation with Team 3D and Jesse Neal.

X Division Battle Royal featuring The Motor City Machine Guns of Chris Sabin & Alex Shelley, Generation Me of Max Buck & Jeremy Buck, Kazarian, Homicide, and Amazing Red.  No entrances, everyone is just in the ring and start brawling.  The winner becomes #10 contender since Angle gave up his spot so everyone else moves up a spot.  Kazarian eliminates Red.  Bucks double team the Guns.  Sabin eliminates Max by dropkicking him off the apron.  Shelley gets eliminated by Jeremy.  Sabin eliminates Jeremy.  Ric Flair comes out.  Kazarian eliminates Sabin.  Homicide attacks Kazarian.  Brian Kendrick comes in and eliminates Homicide.  He’s in the match, but nobody knew it until now, because there were no entrances on TV and he wasn’t in the ring when the match started.  Kazarian withstands Kendrick’s attack and throws him out to win it in 2:52.  There’s some sort of connection with Flair and Kazarian now.

Sting vs. Hardy is NEXT!

Sting vs. Jeff Hardy.  They lock up.  Sting is the aggressor early.  Hardy fights back.  Sting bails.  After a minute, Hardy hits a baseball slide dropkick.  He goes for a dive, but Sting avoids it.  Sting rams Hardy’s knee against the ramp a couple of times, then continues beating Hardy up back in the ring.  FUCKING ALTERNATING CHANTS AGAIN.  Hardy avoids the Stinger Splash and makes his comeback.  Basement dropkick gets 2.  Sting avoids the Whisper In The Wind and locks in the Scorpion Death Lock.  Hardy gets a rope break.  Ref bump.  Sting goes for the Scorpion Death Drop.  Mr. Anderson sneaks in and hits a Scorpion Death Drop on Sting.  It’s sloppy.  Hardy pins Sting in 5:40.  Not much of a match.  Anderson tries to make friends with Hardy again.  Sting kills them both with the bat.

Not the worst iMPACT! ever by any means.

TNA Sacrifice 2010

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2010 by Grappleholic

PPV open, pyro and ballyhoo. Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers LIVE from Orlando. Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Three-Way Match to determine the #1 Contenders for the TNA World Tag Team Championship: The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Beer Money vs. Team 3D.  Shelley and Roode start.  Always good stuff with the Guns and Beer Money.  Shelley plants Roode with a Mysterio-esque flippy bulldog for 2.  Roode hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for 2.  Storm tags in, avoids a superkick, bails, and gets superkicked by Sabin.  Guns double team Roode.  Guns double team Storm.  Storm catches Sabin with a knee.  Brother Ray tags himself in and beats up Sabin.  3D work over Sabin.  Shelley breaks a cover by Devon.  Sabin rallies and goes for a dive, but Brother Ray avoids it.  Devon continues to beat up Sabin.  Roode breaks a cover.  Ray tags in, drops Sabin, and decks Beer Money.  Sabin avoids a diving senton and makes the hot tag to Shelley.  Shelley tries to run wild, but 3D don’t sell for him.  They catch a cross body and Sabin dropkicks it over.  Guns start to run wild.  Sabin hits a tope suicida on Storm.  Shelley goes for a dive on Ray and misses.  Roode tags in and beats up Shelley.  Beer Money double teams Shelley.  BEER!  MONEY!  Storm hits a hangman’s neckbreaker on Shelley for 2.  Beer Money continues getting heat on Shelley.  Sabin gets the tag and runs wild on Beer Money.  Nice diving rana on Roode.  Springboard suicide cross body on Storm.  Springboard tornado DDT on Roode.  Cover, but Devon saves.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Ray throws Sabin outside to the ramp.  3D hit the Doomsday Device on Roode.  Sabin hits a springboard cross body on Ray for 2.  Ray sends Sabin outside again.  3D goes for the 3D on Roode, but Storm spits beer in Bubba’s face.  Roode hits a spinebuster on Ray.  Guns double team people.  They hit the neckbreaker/cross body combo on Ray and Sabin gets the pin in 13:14.  Very good opener.

Tenay and Taz talk about the retarded fucking angle with Desmond Wolfe, Chelsea, and Abyss from iMPACT!  “Local authorities are investigating Desmond Wolfe and Chelsea for filing false police reports.”

Global Tale of the Tape.

TNA Global Championship Match: Rob Terry (c) vs. Orlando Jordan.  Jordan is lowered to the ring and prances around like a fairy.  See, because that’s his gimmick.  Terry is all business and kicks his ass and throws him around.  Sidewalk slam gets 2.  Jordan hits a weak kick.  Terry hits a not so weak spin kick.  Terry clotheslines Jordan outside to the ramp.  Jordan tries to crawl to the back.  Terry cuts him off and throws him back in.  Terry hits the running powerslam for the… 2 count.  Fuck.  Jordan begs off, then attacks Terry’s leg.  Jordan works the leg.  For a long time.  Jordan hits a knee drop and a very homoerotic cover gets 2.  Jordan goes for a diving knee drop, but Terry moves to avoid it.  Terry recovers and hits a chokeslam for the pin in 7:46.  Not good, but still not as terrible as I expected.  Jordan clips Terry’s knee from behind as Terry walks up the ramp.  Jordan drives Terry’s knee into the belt.

Team 3D bitch in the locker room.  Ink Inc. come in for a chat.  Team 3D are mad because Ink Inc. have the audacity to think they can take care of The Band.

Kazarian/Doug Williams video package.  X Factors.

TNA X Division Championship Match: Kazarian (c) vs. Doug Williams.  Williams, of course, still has possession of the belt.  They lock up.  Nothing comes of it.  They do some ground wrestling, which always pleases me.  Tenay says Kazarian’s “sabbatical” from TNA could have been “career suicide.”  I got the joke and chuckled.  Kazarian works the arm.  Kazarian does a weird roll that puts Williams near the ropes, so Williams grabs the ropes with his legs.  Kazarian goes back to working the arm.  Back and forth mat wrestling.  That puts such joy into my heart.  Williams goes the apron to escape a hold.  Kazarian hits an arm whip and Williams takes a bump off the apron.  Kazarian hits a springboard Oklahoma roll for 2.  They go back and forth on a test of strength.  Williams locks on a necktie/surfboard move.  Kazarian reverses the necktie.  Williams gets a rope break.  Kazarian superkicks him and goes for the Flux Capacitor, but Williams avoids it and sends Kazarian into the ramp.  Williams hits a hangman’s neckbreaker on the apron.  Williams gets a front face lock and rams Kazarian’s face into the apron.  Williams goes back to the front face lock.  Kazarian turns it into a slingshot, then dropkicks Williams off the apron.  Kazarian hits a slingshot suicide cross body.  Back inside.  Kazarian gets rolling on offense.  Swinging neckbreaker gets 2.  Kazarian turns a Chaos Theory attempt into a front cradle for 2.  Kazarian gets a backslide for 2.  Williams backdrops Kazarian to the apron.  Kazarian hits a slingshot DDT for 2.  More happens.  It’s awesome.  Kazarian goes for the Axe Guillotine Driver, gets countered, but gets a cradle for 2.  He goes for it again and gets countered and powerbombed into the corner.  Williams hits a weird twisting brainbuster for 2.  Kazarian avoids the Chaos Theory again and hits a swinging Complete Shot for 2.  Kazarian goes for an electric chair suplex, but Williams counters and hits the Chaos Theory for the pin in 13:53.  Really damn good match.  Poor Kazarian was champion for a month and never got to wear the belt.

Desmond Wolfe and Chelsea bicker about their possible legal and other issues.  Chelsea says she doesn’t want the ring anymore and urges Wolfe to call the whole thing off.  Wolfe says he wants to win to move up in the rankings.

Tara/Madison Rayne video package.  Knockouts Tale of the Tape.

TNA Knockouts Championship vs. Tara’s Career: Madison Rayne (c) (w/ TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions Velvet Sky & Lacey Von Erich) vs. Tara.  Rayne tells the other Beautiful People to leave before the match.  Tara jumps her to start.  Rayne counters an early Widow’s Peak attempt.  Geeze, TNA Mutants, are alternating chants really necessary for THIS match?  Tara beats up Rayne on the outside.  Rayne hits her head on the post.  Back inside, cover gets 2.  Cradle sequence, which I always enjoy.  Tara throws Rayne around.  Suplex into the guillotine.  Rayne fights free.  Rayne hits some weak clotheslines to get rolling on offense.  Tara hits a stronger clothesline to cut her off.  Rayne counters the Widow’s Peak again.  Tara finally hits it, but Rayne rolls out of the ring.  Tara throws her back in.  Rayne fights back.  Tara hits a slam and a moonsault press for 2.  Tara stomps Rayne’s belly and goes for another moonsault, but Rayne moves.  Rayne hits kind of a reverse Playmaker for the pin in 6:28.  Not bad.  So Cal Val hands Tara the spider cage.  She takes the spider out to show it off.  Weird.  Security comes to escort her out.  Tara bows to everyone and leaves.

Christy Hemme interviews The Band.  Young talks about joining The Band.  Nash explains that the tag titles will be defended under the Freebird rule.  He then addresses Ink Inc.

Tag Lines.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match: Kevin Nash & Scott Hall (c) vs. Ink Inc.  Moore and Hall start.  Moore slaps Hall.  They lock up and Hall attacks Moore’s arm.  Moore rallies and hits a missile dropkick.  Why is Scott Hall wrestling on national TV in 2010?  He looks awful.  He tags out to Nash, who moves even worse.  Nash wants Neal.  Neal obliges him.  They brawl.  Hall cheap shots Neal.  Nash covers for 2.  Hall tags in and locks Neal in an abdominal stretch, using classic heel tactics to “gain leverage.”  Moore gets the hot tag and runs wild.  He hits a diving cross body on Nash, then tags in Neal.  Moore hits the Mooregasm, then decks Hall and takes him out with a dive.  Neal goes for the spear, but Nash avoids it and the ref gets speared.  Neal beats up Nash.  Eric Young comes out with a Singapore cane and throws it to Nash.  Neal avoids the blow and decks Young.  Moore distracts Nash.  Neal spears Nash.  Neal picks up the cane, but Young cuts him off and takes it away.  Brother Ray comes down and tackles Young, canes him, yells at the downed Nash, then canes Neal.  Young puts Nash on top of Neal for the pin in 8:00.  It was okay I guess.  The Band celebrates.  Brother Ray looks on with a weird look on his face.

Lowlights of the motherfucking retarded angle from iMPACT!.

Chelsea vs. Ring: Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. Abyss.  Abyss jumps Wolfe during his entrance and kicks his ass.  Chelsea tries to slip away, but the referee makes her come back and sit in a fancy chair.  Abyss finally gets Wolfe into the ring to start the match.  Abyss no sells everything Wolfe tries and kicks his ass some more.  Wolfe gets the advantage and works Abyss’ arm.  Wolfe hits a bunch of shoulder blocks to no effect.  Abyss drops him with one elbow.  Wolfe goes back to working the arm.  Fucking alternating chants again.  Abyss makes his comeback.  Sidewalk slam gets 2.  Wolfe hits the Divorce Court for 2.  Nigel goes for the jawbreaker lariat, but Abyss catches him with a chokeslam.  Chelsea tries to interfere.  Abyss grabs her.  She threw a set of brass knucks to Wolfe.  Wolfe punches Abyss.  Abyss kicks out and Hulks up.  Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam for the pin in 9:01.  It was okay.  Abyss wins Chelsea for 30 days.  Taz says Chelsea should stock up on soap.  …The fuck?

Christy Hemme interviews Mr. Anderson.  Anderson says his fans are “Anderson’s Assholes.”  Great promo.  He comes back and scares Christy by yelling his name again.  Funny stuff.

Jeff Hardy vs. Ken Anderson.  They lock up aggressively.  Anderson’s ribs are taped from taking Hardy’s big dives on iMPACT!  “I’M AN ASSHOLE!” chants.  Yes you are, mutants.  Hardy beats up Anderson.  Anderson sends Hardy to the outside and drives him into the side of the ring.  Anderson beats up Hardy.  Anderson locks in an abdominal stretch and holds Hardy’s purple speckled belt to gain leverage.  Anderson dives off the top.  Hardy gets his legs up, but Anderson avoids hitting them and drops an elbow for 2.  Anderson drives some knees into Hardy’s back.  Alternating “Let’s Go Hardy!” and “Let’s Go Asshole!” chants.  That one I’m not as annoyed with.  Anderson continues building his heat on Hardy.  Hardy backdrops Anderson to the ramp.  Hardy gets a chair from under the ring and uses it as a springboard to hit a leg lariat back into the ring.  Neat.  They trade punches.  Hardy hits some weak clotheslines and a Sling Blade for 2.  Hardy hits a bulldog for 2.  Anderson counters a suplex and hits the Lambeau Leap for 2.  Hardy counters the Mic Check.  Anderson sends him into the ropes, then hits the Mic Check for 2, as Hardy gets a rope break.  Hardy hits the front suplex and goes up top.  He drops down and hits the Twist of Fate, takes his shirt off to make the girls scream, then goes up top again.  Anderson cuts him off and goes for the Lambeau Leap off the top, but ends up landing on his face with Hardy on his back.  Fail.  Hardy hits the Swanton Bomb for the pin in 13:57.  It was okay.  Anderson recovers and offers a handshake.  Hardy refuses.  What a prick.

Christy Hemme interviews Ric Flair and AJ Styles.

Sting/Jeff Jarrett video package.

Jeff Jarrett’s music plays.  Cut to the back, where Sting is beating up a bloody Jarrett.  Sting injures Jarrett’s shoulder.  Sting brings him into the arena and beats him up some more.  Jarrett is a bloody mess.  Sting hits his leg with the bat, pulls him under the steps, and stomps the bat into the injured shoulder.  More shoulder torture with the bat.  Sting finally throws Jarrett into the ring.

Sting vs. Jeff Jarrett.  Sting hits the Scorpion Death Drop for the pin in 13 seconds.  Sting takes the mic and says some other guys are going to pay because of some deception game.  Referees and various other geeks come in to tend to Jarrett while Sting stalks around ominously.  Crowd chants “STING!”  Jarrett gets stretchered out.  Sting knocks the stretcher over.  Hulk Hogan comes out to threaten Sting away, or something.  Replays.  Why?

Tenay and Taz talk about how appalled they are.

Christy Hemme interviews the TNA World Heavyweight Champion, Rob Van Dam.

RVD/Styles video package.  Tale of the Tape.  Entrances, intros, and it’s main event time!  Earl Hebner is the referee.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: Rob Van Dam (c) vs. AJ Styles (w/ Ric Flair).  They dick around for a full 2 minutes before making contact.  They both avoid kicks.  Styles is reprimanded for pulling RVD’s hair.  RVD ducks a shot and clotheslines Styles out of the ring, then poses some more.  Styles pulls him out of the ring and chops him.  RVD avoids a moonsault block off of the ramp and succeeds in his attempt of the same thing.  RVD gets in the ring and poses some more.  5 minutes in and little has happened.  RVD avoids a springboard and goes for the Rolling Thunder, but Flair grabs his leg.  Hebner tells Flair to leave, then shoves Flair down when Flair gets all pissed.  Styles and Flair argue with Hebner.  Flair leaves.  Hebner argues with Styles some more.  Flair joins the announcers.  Styles drops RVD on the outside, then poses in the ring.  Styles goes for a dive, but RVD avoids it.  The announcers claim he hit it, but little or no contact was made.  Back in the ring, Styles puts the boots to RVD.  Styles slams RVD and hits a knee drop for 2.  RVD drops Styles with a kick.  RVD goes to the top, but Styles shoves him off and into the ramp.  Styles works over RVD.  Styles hits a tornado DDT for 2.  Styles argues with Hebner again.  RVD takes a weird bump off of a dropkick.  Cover gets 2.  RVD hits his diving kick, then a monkey flip, then goes for the Five Star Frog Splash.  AJ avoids it and Van Dam crashes and burns.  Styles hits the springboard forearm for 2.  Tenay calls it a clothesline.  He jumped the shark as announcer years ago, but he used to be really good.  Styles gets a cradle for 2.  RVD hits a jawbreaker.  Styles hits the Pele kick for 2.  RVD avoids Styles in the corner and Styles’ face hits the top turnbuckle.  RVD hits a Northern Lights suplex hold for 2.  Styles gets an inside cradle for 2.  RVD hits an inverted atomic drop, crotches AJ on the top rope, and hits the flying kick.  RVD goes for the Rolling Thunder again, but Styles gets his knees up.  Styles covers for 2.  Styles sells his knee.  Styles locks RVD in the Torture Rack, then turns it into a powerbomb for 2.  Nice.  Styles hits a forearm to the corner for 2.  Styles goes for the Styles Clash, gets backdropped, and turns into a sunset flip.  Cradle reversal sequence.  Double clothesline.  They get to their feet and trade blows.  RVD hits his cool leg cradle for 2.  Styles goes for the figure-four, but RVD turns it into an inside cradle for 2.  Styles hits the Phenomenon for 2.  Styles goes for the springboard 450, but RVD avoids it.  Flair leaves the booth and heads back to the ring.  Jay Lethal of all people comes out and brawls with Flair.  Lethal puts Flair in the figure-four leglock.  So Lethal has gone from being a Randy Savage impersonator to a Ric Flair impersonator.  Styles crotches RVD on the top rope and goes for a superplex.  RVD fights him off, then hits the Five Star Frog Splash for the pin in 24:47.  A very different match than you would expect from these two, but it turned out to be pretty good.  The Lethal run in was random.  Replays.  RVD celebrates.

Some weird stuff on this show, but nothing was too horrible and a few of the matches were really good.  Match of the Night honors go to Kazarian and Williams.

TNA iMPACT! 5/13/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2010 by Grappleholic

“Last week on iMPACT!…” video.

“Three Tickets To Sacrifice”

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  David Penzer is the ring announcer.

Eric Bischoff comes out and does his “heel who thinks he’s a babyface” bit.  He introduces the TNA World Heavyweight Champion, Rob Van Dam.  Bischoff talks about the poll.  He says he wanted to book RVD vs. Jeff Hardy, but Hardy isn’t answering his phone, so RVD has the night off.  RVD wants action, though.  AJ Styles comes out.  He bitches at RVD about not being a role model.  Styles challenges him to a match tonight, even though they have a match at the PPV.  Styles wants to break RVD’s legs so he doesn’t have to break a sweat at the PPV.  Jeff Hardy comes out.  He’s confused by the time changes, as he doesn’t have a secretary.  Styles says the match is already set.  Hardy tells RVD to make it a three-way, since RVD is apparently the booker.  He tells Bischoff to make the match.  AJ is pissed.

Jeremy Borash interviews Knockouts Champion and Knockouts Tag Team Champions, The Beautiful People.  Lacey runs away because she has to pee.  Go before your fucking interview, moron.

Taylor Wilde (w/ Sarita) vs. Tara.  Sarita gets sent to the back before the match.  Wilde goes on the attack and beats the hell out of Tara.  Tara begs off, then sends Wilde to the ramp.  Tara throws her back in.  Wilde avoids the hilo leg drop.  Wilde goes for a shitty cross body.  Tara love taps her with a shitty middle kick for the pin in 1:30.  This blew.  Tara beats Wilde with her knee brace after the match.  Sarita makes the save.

Something is going on backstage with Desmond Wolfe and Chelsea.

Chelsea is claiming she was attacked “in an undisclosed location.”  Her vagina?

Brian Kendrick vs. Doug Williams.  Williams still has the X Division belt.  He says Kendrick doesn’t deserve a title shot, so it’s a non-title match.  Kendrick attacks Williams.  Williams attacks him back.  The X Division Champion Kazarian joins the announcers.  Williams works Kendrick’s leg.  He locks Kendrick in a half crab.  Kazarian walks down the ramp with the intent of getting the belt.  Kendrick schoolboys Williams for the pin in 2:13.  Williams manages to hold onto the belt.  Match was pointless.

Christy Hemme asks Pat Kenney what happened, but he won’t say anything.

Christy says she knows the attacker, but can’t tell.  The fuck?

Handicap Match: Generation Me vs. TNA World Tag Team Champions Matt Morgan.  Morgan destroys them both.  He takes the mic and bitches about Hulk Hogan not telling him who his partner is.  Morgan sets up Jeremy Buck on the outside for the Carbon Footprint into the post.  Samoa Joe comes out and brawls with Morgan.  Match is presumably a no-contest in about a minute and a half.  Joe hits the Muscle Buster and leaves.  The Band comes out.  Kevin Nash has that Feast or Fired briefcase that nobody remembered.

Handicap Match for the TNA World Tag Team Championship: Matt Morgan (c) vs. Kevin Nash & Scott Hall (w/ Eric Young).  Earl Hebner rings the bell.  Nash gets the pin at the 12 second mark.  Nash and Hall are World Tag Team Champions.  In 2010.

Ink Inc. talk backstage.  You can hear the intros for the Williams/Kendrick match from earlier.  Ink Inc. are psychic and somehow knew that they’d be facing Hall and Nash at Sacrifice instead of Morgan.

Four-Way Match: Ink Inc. vs. Team 3D vs. Motor City Machine Guns vs. Beer Money.  No entrances except for Ink Inc.  Shelley and Storm start.  Sabin tags in and throws Storm out of the ring.  Sabin hits a dive.  Cover gets 2 back inside.  3D works over Roode.  Moore tags in and hits a diving cross body for Roode for 2.  Beer Money work over Moore.  Neal gets the hog tag and runs wild.  He face plants Roode and covers, but Storm saves.  Brother Ray tags in and knocks down Beer Money.  Neal schoolboys him for 2.  3D and the Guns fight.  Everybody brawls everywhere.  3D hits the Doomsday Device on Neal.  Moore saves and fights 3D.  They go for the 3D, but Neal stops it.  Moore hits the Mooregasm on Ray.  Neal spears Ray for the pin in 7:18.  Best thing on the show up to now and probably period.

Weird Ric Flair taped promo with impossible to read subtitles.

TNA Global Champion Rob Terry is headed our way!  He’ll face Abyss NEXT!

Jeff Hardy and RVD chat in the bathroom.  Who the fucking is taping this?

Rob Terry comes out for his title defense against Abyss.  Abyss doesn’t come out, because he’s getting arrested.  He’s apparently the one being accused of assaulting Chelsea.  Desmond Wolfe jumps him and is held back by the cops.  Hulk Hogan shows up to talk to Abyss, who professes in innocence.  Abyss doesn’t want to take his mask off.  Hogan takes the mask off and puts Abyss’ hood on his head.  The cops take Abyss away.  This is so motherfucking stupid.  Rob Terry is still in the ring.  Orlando Jordan (in pink gear) attacks Terry from behind and gropes his balls.  Jordan hits Terry with a lead pipe, then holds up a card that says, literally, “The Wild Card.”  Why the fuck am I watching this shit?  Didn’t I boycott this show after last week?

Orlando Jordan is still in the fucking ring.  He cuts a promo.  Okay, you’re gay, we get it.  He issues an open challenge.  Tomko (he still works here?) accepts.

Orlando Jordan vs. Tomko.  They do some awkward half assed shit.  Tomko presses Jordan, then hits a fall away slam.  Jordan hits a dropkick.  Jordan does some shit.  Tomko hits a clothesline for 2.  Jordan hits a Backstabber for 2.  Jordan clamps on a guillotine for the win in 3:14.  This blew.

Another weirdly taped thing with Hulk Hogan.  Lacey Von Erich comes in and shows him a cell phone video.

Eric Bischoff tells Tara she’s going to wrestle Sarita tonight.  She’s all bitchy about it.

Sarita vs. Tara.  Sarita attacks Tara on the ramp.  They finally get in the ring to start the match, then brawl outside some more.  Back inside, Sarita misses a dive, then beats up Tara some more.  Tara cries and begs off, then sends Sarita outside.  Sarita hits a slingshot splash, then goes after Tara’s knee brace.  The referee grabs her and gets elbowed in the face.  Tara hits Sarita with the knee brace for the pin in 1:52.  This sucked.  Tara beats her with the knee brace some more.

AJ Styles is backstage in his silly robe.  The main event is next.

Sting/Jeff Jarrett video package.

Non-Title Three-Way Match: Jeff Hardy vs. AJ Styles vs. TNA World Heavyweight Champion Rob Van Dam.  Styles argues with a fan.  The dastardly good guys double team the poor overwhelmed heel.  Hardy and RVD start to fight each other.  Hardy knocks RVD out of the ring.  Hardy fights AJ.  RVD comes in and lands kicks on both of them.  Hardy drops both of them with neckbreaker variations.  He covers RVD, but Styles saves.  Styles beats up both.  Styles attacks RVD’s leg.  He locks in the figure-four leglock.  Hardy leg drops Styles to break it.  Hardy goes up top.  Styles cuts him off and knocks him out of the ring.  RVD monkey flips AJ.  Ken Anderson attacks Hardy at ringside.  RVD hits his diving kick on Styles and the referee, then saves Hardy from Anderson.  Styles hits a dive on everybody.  Styles SPIKES RVD with a DDT on the floor.  Back inside, Styles puts his feet on the ropes and pins RVD in 5:54.  This was a mess.  Hardy calls Anderson to the ring to fight.  Anderson isn’t interested.  Hulk Hogan comes out and blocks his way to the back.  Hogan decks Anderson.  Hardy beats up Anderson.  Commercials.

Hardy and Anderson keep fighting.  Why the fuck isn’t this show over yet?  Hardy puts Anderson on a table and hits a Swanton off the announcers’ table through the table.  Many replays are shown.  Hardy celebrates.

They show Lacey Von Erich’s cell phone video of Desmond Wolfe and Chelsea setting up the whole fucking stupid angle with Abyss.

Sacrifice hype videos.

Fuck this horrible motherfucking show.  Why did I even watch this shit?

TNA iMPACT! 5/3/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2010 by Grappleholic

“Last week on iMPACT!…” video.

“Hogan/Sting – The Summit”

Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff talk while riding in a limo.

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo, Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  I’m sure David Penzer is around somewhere as ring announcer.  Tenay announces that iMPACT! is going back to Thursday.  I guess it took their lowest rating ever to convince them that Monday was a bad idea.

Ric Flair’s music plays.  Jay Lethal comes out in a suit, wearing Flair’s Hall of Fame ring.  Lethal is in full Flair impersonation mode, and it’s GREAT.  He does a better Ric Flair than Richard Fliehr.  The crowd turns it in and chants “WE WANT FLAIR!”  Ric Flair comes out.  Crowd chants “DOUBLE VISION!”  Flair stomps on his own sunglasses, I guess to make a point.  Lethal gives Flair his ring back and tells him he meant no disrespect.  Lethal puts over Flair like crazy.  Flair slaps him a bunch while berating him.  Lethal finally slaps him back and they brawl a little.  Lethal backdrops Flair and puts him in the figure-four leglock.  Beer Money, AJ Styles, and Desmond Wolfe run in to attack Lethal.  Abyss runs out to make the save, but gets beaten down too.  Team 3D runs in with the same effect.  TNA World Champion Rob Van Dam and a steel chair finally make the save.

Hogan and Bischoff are in their limo still.  Hogan gets a text about what just happened and tells the driver to turn around.

Moments ago, that long paragraph above happened.

The babyfaces are still in the ring and the heels are on the ramp.  RVD calls them “the Four Horse’s Asses.”  Flair agrees and everybody brawls some more.  They brawl over the place.  Hulk Hogan comes out, so his limo must not have been far away.  He drops all of the heels with one punch except for the 120 year old Ric Flair.  Commercials.

The brawl is still going on.  Security finally gets off their asses and breaks it up.  Hogan books RVD vs. Wolfe for the title, Abyss vs. Styles, and Beer Money vs. 3D vs. The Motor City Machine Guns for tonight.

Sting is in the rafters.

The Beautiful People bitch about having to defend all the titles.  Lacey is still stupid.

Doug Williams and Brian Kendrick are in the ring.  Williams still has the X Division Championship belt.  He cuts a promo on the shitty way he was stripped of the title due to a volcano.  He also resents having to tag with “this crazed lunatic.”  Williams says he’ll face Kazarian for the title at Sacrifice.

Doug Williams & Brian Kendrick vs. Ink Inc.  Ink Inc. is the new team of Shannon Moore and Jesse Neal.  They have a title shot against TNA World Tag Team Champions Matt Morgan at Sacrifice.  Williams and Neal start.  Morgan joins Tenay and Taz at the table.  Kendrick beats on Neal.  Stuff happens.  The match is completely secondary to Morgan’s bitching.  Moore gets the tag and runs wild on Kendrick.  Morgan leaves.  Kendrick gets a schoolboy for 2.  Moore hits a neckbreaker.  Neal tags in and spears Kendrick for the pin in 3:05.  Williams and Kendrick argue.  Samoa Joe comes out and drops both of them, then gives Kendrick the Muscle Buster.  Joe teases cutting a promo, then just throws the mic down and leaves.  Stupid match, stupid commentary, stupid aftermath, stupid segment.

Jeremy Borash is in Team Flair’s locker room.  Flair throws Borash out, so Borash eavesdrops while Flair bitches at everybody for being failures.

Backstage, Hogan whines about Sting cheating on him, or what the fuck ever it is.

Tenay and Taz hype the Hogan/Sting whatever and other shit.

Backstage, Ken Anderson beats up The Pope while wearing a dress, then rams a trunk into him and steals his sunglasses.

Ken Anderson comes out in his dress and babbles out a pseudo-sermon.  Jeff Hardy comes out and challenges Anderson for Sacrifice.  Anderson says no, then makes it blatantly obvious that he’s going to try to attack Jeff from behind, then gets dropped by the Twist of Fate.  Hardy rips Anderson’s dress off, then works Anderson’s mouth to “accept” the challenge.  Fucking retarded segment.

TNA Knockouts Championship & TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship Match: The Beautiful People (c) vs. Tara, Taylor Wilde, & Sarita.  Jobber entrances for the challengers.  Tara is in full heel mode.  Lacey is in full dumb bimbo mode.  Tara does the suplex into the guillotine.  Lacey throws a kick that fails, then dances.  Sarita tags in.  Velvet tags in and beats her up.  Sarita does some sloppy stuff.  Wilde tags in and Sarita backdrops her into a moonsault on Velvet for 2.  Velvet drops Wilde and tags in Rayne.  Wilde hits a sloppy release German suplex.  Tara screams for the tag, gets it, then Sarita blind tags herself in.  Tara decks Sarita.  Tara and Wilde argue and shove each other.  They go out of the ring.  Velvet and Lacey hit a double DDT on Sarita.  Rayne pins Sarita in 2:54.  Fucking abortion.

Still to come, Styles vs. Abyss and Wolfe vs. RVD.

Christy Hemme interviews Tara.  She challenges Rayne for the title at Sacrifice with Tara’s career on the line.

Three-Way Match: Team 3D vs. Beer Money vs. Motor City Machine Guns.  Beer Money and Guns both get jobber entrances.  Roode beats up Sabin.  Sabin does some flips and hits Roode with a kick for 2.  Storm and Shelley tag in.  Guns double team Storm.  Devon tags in and beats on Storm.  Storm hits a Codebreaker on Devon.  Beer Money work over Devon.  BEER!  MONEY!  Ray tags in and runs wild.  WASSUP headbutt on Roode.  Kevin Nash and Scott Hall come in and attack 3D for the DQ in 3:56.  Eric Young comes out with a Singapore cane, then to the shock of absolutely no one, turns on 3D and joins The Band.  The Guns come back in.  Shelley throws Young out of the ring.  Guns beat up Nash and Hall!  Beer Money beat up the Guns and hit the DWI on Sabin.  The heels beat down the babyfaces.

TNA’s cuts to commercial are very awkward.

David Penzer introduces Orlando Jordan, who gets on his “O-Zone” talk show set.  This is gayer than two guys blowing each other.  He interviews a cardboard cutout of Rob Terry.  Terry finally comes in, shoves Jordan down, tears up the cutout, and warns Jordan not to make him come back.  Terry holds up the Global Championship belt.  Jordan attacks Terry from behind and chokes him out.  Jordan throws a stupid vase thing on top of Terry.  Fuck this shit.

Monster’s Ball Match: AJ Styles vs. Abyss.  Styles springboards to the outside.  Abyss catches him and goes for a chokeslam.  Fails.  AJ throws a trash can.  Abyss throws AJ into the ring.  Abyss hits a big boot, then holds up a crutch.  AJ kicks him.  AJ avoids a chair shot.  Abyss punches him.  Abyss picks up the chair again.  AJ hits the Pele and a dropkick, then beats down Abyss.  Abyss sends AJ into a chair wedged between the turnbuckles, then hits the Shock Treatment for 2.  Abyss pours out thumbtacks.  Ric Flair and Chelsea come out.  Flair tells her to take her coat off.  Abyss tries to protect her and gets hit from behind by AJ.  Abyss sends Styles to the outside.  Styles hits a springboard cross body into the tacks for the pin in 4:11.  Chelsea opens her coat to reveal… her dress.  Flair and Styles put the boots to Abyss.  Another awkard cut to commercial.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: Rob Van Dam (c) vs. Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea).  Jobber entrance for Wolfe.  Wolfe attacks RVD on the outside immediately.  Wolfe beats up RVD back in the ring.  RVD blocks a suplex attempt.  Wolfe beats him up some more.  Cover gets 2.  Wolfe hits the Divorce Court for 2.  RVD hits the flying kick and the Rolling Thunder, then goes up top.  Wolfe cuts him off and goes for the Tower of London.  He tries again on the apron.  RVD counters and hits a springboard kick on the ramp.  ROB!  VAN!  DAM!  RVD backdrops Wolfe back into the ring, then hits the Five Star Frog Splash for the pin in 3:01, just so we all know Wolfe is a jobber.  AJ Styles sneak attacks RVD and says he’s taking his rematch at Sacrifice.

Backstage, Hulk Hogan finds that Jeff Jarrett has been clobbered by Sting.  Commercials.

Hulk Hogan comes out and babbles.  Sting comes out.  Hogan wants to know why Sting turned heel.  Sting says “Total Nonstop Action,” then babbles for a while about Hogan being protected, or something.  They banter.  Hogan challenges Sting to hit him.  Jeff Jarrett comes out, takes the bat, and hits Sting.  Hogan holds him back.  End of show.

That’s it.  Fuck this show.  I’m done.

TNA iMPACT! 4/26/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 30, 2010 by Grappleholic

“Last week…” video.

“Mr. Monday Night”

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Tonight, AJ Styles & Sting face Jeff Jarrett & Jeff Hardy, plus Ric Flair takes on Abyss!  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  David Penzer is the ring announcer.

Hulk Hogan comes out and babbles for a while, then introduces the NEW TNA World Heavyweight Champion, Rob Van Dam.  Damned if that belt doesn’t look good on him.  Van Dam tells “Hulkie” that from now on, he is to be known as “Mr. TNA.”  Hogan seems to approve.  RVD makes some pot references and talks about how awesome he is.  AJ Styles and Ric Flair come out.  Hogan says they weren’t invited.  Is anyone ever?  Crowd chants “EX WORLD CHAMP!” at AJ.  Styles talks shit to both of them and raises some valid points.  Flair cuts a typically great promo on Hogan.

The Beautiful People bitch about Madison Rayne having to defend the Knockouts Title tonight.  Lacey is stupid.  I’m pretty sure that’s the point.

Tara/Angelina Love/Beautiful People video.

Three-Way Match for the TNA Knockouts Championship: Madison Rayne (c) (w/ TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions Velvet Sky & Lacey Von Erich) vs. Angelina Love vs. Tara.  The Beautiful People are ejected by the referee before the match.  Tara clotheslines Rayne.  Love and Tara stare at each other, then fight.  Rayne comes in and tries to steal the pin, but gets beaten up by Love.  Tara attacks Love again.  Love gets hurt.  Rayne knocks Tara out of the ring.  Commercials.  Love beats up Rayne.  Tara is still selling on the outside.  Rayne tries to bail, but Love pulls her back in and hits a World’s Strongest Slam for 2.  Tara comes back in and throws Love into the post and out of the ring.  Rayne schoolgirls Tara for 2.  Tara hits a snap suplex into a guillotine.  It sure looked like Rayne was tapping.  Rayne hits a shitty face plant.  Love comes back in and fights them both.  Tara hits an airplane spin into a side slam on Love.  Rayne knocks Love into Tara, then schoolgirls Love for the pin in 8:19 (including commercials).  This sucked.  Tara and Love brawl after the match.

Sting & Styles vs. The Jeffs TONIGHT!  Plus, Flair vs. Abyss!

Shannon Moore is getting ready!

ShopTNA.com!

TNA X Division Championship Match: Kazarian (c) vs. Shannon Moore.  Kaz is still belt-less.  They lock up and wrestle.  Nice exchange of arm drags.  Kazarian avoids a leg a drop.  Moore hits a rana and an atomic drop, then a leg drop for 2.  Kazarian hits a cool slingshot arm drag and a spinning neckbreaker for 2.  Kazarian goes for the Axe Guillotine Driver, but Moore counters.  Kazarian shoves Moore into the referee.  Moore goes up top.  Kazarian rocks him with a kick and goes for a Frankensteiner, but Moore knocks him off.  Matt Morgan runs out and shoves Moore off the top rope, then throws him back in the ring.  Kazarian hits the Axe Guillotine Driver for the pin in 4:20.  It was an alright little match.  Not as good as the match from a few weeks ago, though.  SAMOA JOE comes out and MURDER DEATH KILLS Kazarian and gives him the Muscle Buster.  Bad ass.

Abyss cuts a promo in some darkened backstage area.

TNA World Tag Team Champions Matt Morgan asks Jesse Neal to defend the titles with him.  Neal says no, based on how Morgan treats his tag partners.  Morgan brings up Neal’s Navy buddy who died, which makes Neal start to reconsider.

AJ Styles is headed our way!

Jeff Jarrett and Jeff Hardy are also headed our way!

Falls Count Anywhere Match: AJ Styles & Sting vs. Jeff Jarrett & Jeff Hardy.  Everybody brawls.  Hardy and Styles brawl outside.  Sting and Jarrett brawl in the ring.  Hardy suplexes Styles on the ramp for 2.  Sting and Jarrett brawl in the crowd.  This match has 2 referees.  That’s smart.  Everybody comes back to the ring and breaks down into a tag match.  Why?  Styles low blows Jarrett to escape a sleeper.  Jarrett tags Hardy, but the referee doesn’t allow it because he didn’t see it IN A FUCKING NO DQ MATCH.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKERS?  Jarrett and Sting do a double down.  Jeff gets the tag again, but the referee STILL DIDN’T SEE IT.  Jeff says “Fuck this shit” and kicks Styles’ ass anyway.  Sting leaves.  Just fucking leaves.  Hardy goes up top, but Styles cuts him off.  Styles goes the Styles Clash on the stage on Hardy, but gets reversed.  Jarrett goes to the back and brawls with Sting.  Hardy puts Styles on a table and sets up a ladder on the stage.  Sting hits Jarrett with a bat.  Sting pins Jarrett on the steps in 6:15.  Hardy has reached the top of the ladder, but since the match is over, the fucking referee pulls AJ off the table.  This match was the worst fucking match in the history of terrible fucking matches.

Jesse Neal talks to Team 3D about teaming with Matt Morgan against them tonight.  They discuss it for a while, then 3D give their blessing.

The Pope is headed our way!

ShopTNA.com!

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero comes out.  They show highlights of the match with AJ Styles at Lockdown.  Pope has his arm in a sling and a studded eye patch.  Pope cuts a promo.  Mr. Anderson interrupts and babbles for a while, then challenges Pope to a match at Sacrifice.  Pope pimp slaps Anderson.  Anderson kicks his ass, rips off his eye patch, and thumbs Pope in the injured eye.  Security breaks it up.

Team 3D has put Syxx-Pac through a table backstage.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match: Matt Morgan (c) & Jesse Neal vs. Team 3D.  Devon and Neal do stuff while the crowd does some stupid chant.  Ray tags in and bear hugs Neal.  Kevin Nash and Scott Hall come out.  3D meets them and brawls with them on the ramp.  Neal joins to help 3D.  It’s a no-contest in 1:08.  Morgan drops Neal and takes him back to the ring.  Morgan chokeslams Neal, then poses with the belts.  Commercials.  This was pointless.

Team 3D and Jesse Neal are in the ring.  Neal calls Morgan out because he wants to kick his ass.  Christy Hemme talks to Matt Morgan backstage.  Morgan says he’s off the lock.  Hulk Hogan tells Morgan to go the ring, or deal with Hogan.  Hogan’s like 107 years old, so Morgan could easily take him out.  Instead, he goes back out.  Neal meets him on the ramp and kicks his ass.  3D has disappeared.  Neal goes to hit Morgan with the belt, but Morgan low blows him.  Moore hits Neal with the belt.  Shannon Moore comes out and hits Morgan with a missile dropkick.  Neal and Moore shake hands.  Team Mohawk!  Retarded segment.

Eric Bischoff and Miss Tessmacher are in the office.  Bischoff says the fans will vote for the #1 Contender.  Jay Lethal comes in and lists a bunch of 80s guys.  Stupid.

AJ Styles pumps up Ric Flair for the main event, which is NEXT!

Orlando Jordan, in the gayest get up I’ve ever seen, cuts a promo about Rob Terry.  Tenay and Taz are like WTF?

They show a low key Ric Flair talking backstage, presumably earlier today.

Kevin Nash and Scott Hall talk.  Nash is pissed.

Abyss/Flair video package.

Ring vs. Ring: Ric Flair vs. Abyss.  They lock up.  Abyss overpowers Flair.  Flair chops Abyss.  Abyss punches Flair.  Abyss back body drops Flair.  Flair takes a walk around the ring.  Abyss follows.  Flair chops Abyss.  Abyss punches Flair.  Flair is BUSTED WIDE OPEN!  Flair goes up top, but Abyss throws him off, just like in every other Flair match you’ve ever seen.  Flair gets knocked loopy and face flops.  Flair kicks Abyss and Earl Hebner in the balls, then punches Abyss with brass knuckles.  ABYSS FUCKING NO SELLS BRASS KNUCKLES, so Flair hits him in the balls with them and gets the pin in 4:40.  Except that Hebner finds the knuckles.  They get into a shoving match.  Hebner resumes the match.  Flair punches Abyss.  Abyss hulks up.  Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam for the pin in 5:20.  This match fucking blew.  Hulk Hogan comes out to pull Flair’s ring off.  Hogan says he knows who he’s giving Flair’s ring to next week.  So TNA’s only drawing card is WWE Hall of Fame rings.

This show was fucking horrible in every way.  Whoever put this piece of shit together should be fired.  I don’t mean fired from their job.  I mean set on fire.

TNA iMPACT! 4/19/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 21, 2010 by Grappleholic

Lockdown highlights.

“What We All Fight For.”

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are our announcers.

TNA World Heavyweight Champion AJ Styles comes to the ring and cuts a promo.  He says he’s “pound for pound, the best wrestler in the world.”  He talks about being the best and beating everybody.  Rob Van Dam comes out and cuts a promo on AJ.  Jeff Hardy comes out and spouts off a bunch of jibberish.  Hulk Hogan comes out and cuts a promo putting over the importance of the title.  Hogan books RVD vs. Hardy in a #1 Contender match, with the winner challenging AJ for the title.  Styles says he won’t be ready by Sacrifice.  Hogan says the match is TONIGHT!  Long segment.  I gave you the short version.

Ric Flair arrives.  Somebody tells him about the match Hogan just booked.  Flair isn’t happy.

Tenay and Taz cream themselves over the matches Hogan booked.  Also, Ric Flair will be barred from ringside for the title match.

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship Match: The Beautiful People (c) (w/ TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne) vs. ODB & Daffney.  The BP team is announced as Velvet & Rayne, but Lacey is the one that’s wrestling, so I guess they’re using the Freedbird rule.  Of course, nobody bothers to explain that.  Daffney runs wild to start, literally.  Lacey tags in and does her stupid backflip elbow drop.  Velvet tags in and beats up Daffney.  Daffney catches Velvet coming off the top with a shot to the gut.  ODB gets the hot tag and runs wild.  Madison distracts the referee.  Lacey sprains hair spray in ODB’s eyes and Velvet schoolgirls her for the pin in 2:42.  Well this sucked.

Jeremy Borash eavesdrops of AJ Styles bitching at Ric Flair about the situation he’s in tonight.  Flair encourages AJ, saying he’ll beat whoever he faces tonight.  Flair says he wants a rematch from Lethal Lockdown.  JB comes in and questions Flair about it.  Flair says if Team Hogan doesn’t accept the challenge in 5 minutes, he’ll claim the win by forfeit.  I give TNA major credit for not doing the invisible camera shit here.

Abyss and Jeff Jarrett come to the ring.  Abyss says the war between Team Hogan and Team Flair is over since the babyfaces won at Lockdown.  I agree.  Abyss says they would accept the challenge if RVD and Hardy weren’t already booked tonight.  Ric Flair comes out with Sting, Beer Money, and Desmond Wolfe.  Flair says “Kiss my ass.”  Team Flair comes to the ring and gangs up on Abyss and Jarrett.  “The Freak” Rob Terry makes the save for Team Hogan and cleans house.  He takes 2 tries to press Desmond Wolfe and trips while trying to do his jumping kick on Sting in the process.  Flair starts babbling.  Eric Bischoff comes out and agrees to the rematch, with Team Flair vs. Abyss, Jarrett, Terry, and a mystery man.

RVD vs. Hardy TONIGHT!

Stupid commercial inset: Jeff Hardy!

TNA World Tag Team Champions Matt Morgan asks Shannon Moore to defend the tag titles with him next week, referring to himself in plural form the whole time.  Moore says he has an X Division Title shot next week, so Morgan can “kiss [his] tattooed ass.”

Tenay and Taz wonder who the mystery man is going to be.

Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff talk about the double cross they pulled on Flair last night and the matches they’ve booked tonight.  Hogan asks if “he” is for sure going to be there tonight.  Bischoff assures Hogan that “he” will be there.  Hogan asks Bischoff about his supposed rankings system.  Bischoff sends Miss Tessmacher’s ass to go get some files for him.  Bischoff says “she takes great dictation.”  I bet she does…

RVD is walking backstage.  This is shot in shitty documentary style.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contender Match: Jeff Hardy vs. Rob Van Dam.  They shake hands, then start feeling each other out.  In a wrestling way, not a homoerotic way.  Well…  Nevermind.  They trade holds.  Hardy goes for a surprise Twist of Fate, but that shit’s not happening.  Match goes to commercial a minute in.  Fuck.  They show a random few seconds in the middle of the break.  I motherfucking hate when those motherfuckers do that shit.  RVD hits the MOTHERFUCKING GUARDRAIL LEG DROP!  They show RVD getting bumped into the barricade during the break.  RVD hits a slingshot apron leg drop.  Awesome.  I seem to pop for any unusual leg drop variation.  RVD hits a diving cross body for 2.  RVD’s head wound from Lockdown opens up again.  He’s BUSTED WIDE OPEN!  Hardy makes his comeback and gets some near falls.  Hardy catches RVD’s splits monkey flip move and does his weird leg drop to the legs pinning predicament move for 2.  Hardy goes up top.  RVD cuts him off, sets him up on the top rope, and hits his springboard kick.  Hardy takes a bump out of the ring.  RVD hits a twisting leg drop and a Rolling Thunder-style splash for 2.  RVD avoids Hardy’s corner dropkick and hits the split legged moonsault for 2.  They go at it some more.  Hardy hits his front suplex and goes up top.  RVD catches him with a kick.  Hardy fights RVD off the top and goes for the Swanton Bomb.  RVD avoids it and hits the Five Star Frog Splash for the pin in 13:30.  Really good match.

Christy Hemme is with RVD and Jeff Hardy.  They do commentary over clips of their match.  It’s funny.  They shake hands and hug.  RVD is ready for his title shot.

Abyss gives Jeff Jarrett and Rob Terry a pep talk.

They show Sting and Jarrett brawling last Monday.

Lethal Lockdown Rematch… Except that there’s no cage: Team Flair (Sting, Beer Money, & Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. Team Hogan (Abyss, Jeff Jarrett, TNA Global Champion “The Freak” Rob Terry, & Mystery Partner).  Sting and Jarrett are the first two entrants.  Commercials before the opening bell, then Sting and Jarrett are brawling in the crowd.  The referee says “Fuck it” and calls for the opening bell.  They brawl in the crowd and hit each other with chairs for the first 4 minutes, then finally make it to the ring.  Jarrett avoids the Stinger Splash and hits some awful looking punches and a clothesline.  Right after, they do a double clothesline spot.  Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) comes in for Team Flair and tags in.  Yeah, apparently it’s tag team rules.  Jarrett and Wolfe wrestle.  Wolfe goes for the Tower of London, but Jarrett counters and hits a backdrop suplex.  Rob Terry comes in for Team Hogan, tags in, and runs wild.  Orlando Jordan comes out in a bubble wrap vest to check out Terry.  Commercials.  Robert Roode and Abyss, who both entered during the break, go at it.  James Storm enters for Team Flair and kicks Abyss in the head, allowing Roode to hit a Blockbuster.  Beer Money double teams Abyss.  Wolfe and Jarrett tag in.  Jarrett fights off Wolfe and Roode until Storm kicks Jarrett in the gut.  Beer Money and Wolfe tripe team Jarrett, but Jarrett fights them all off.  SAMOA JOE enters for Team Hogan!  And the stupid face paint and pajama pants are gone!  Joe tags in and MURDER DEATH KILLS Team Flair.  Joe hits the Muscle Buster on Roode for the pin in 16:40.  JOE IS BACK!  He refuses to celebrate with his partners and leaves.  Apparently Joe was kidnapped by Weight Watchers and the Fashion Police.  Ric Flair comes out and starts to talk.  Commercials!

TNA has no fucking idea how to work their show around commercials.

During the break, Ric Flair challenged Abyss to a Ring vs. Ring match next week.  Abyss accepted.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: AJ Styles (c) vs. Rob Van Dam.  Styles throws his robe at RVD and jumps him to start the match.  Styles sends RVD out of the ring and wipes him out with a suicide dive.  Commercials!  Styles works over RVD.  They do the leapfrog, drop down, dropkick but with RVD tripping in the process, but they recovered nicely.  Styles works RVD’s leg.  RVD makes his comeback, monkey flips Styles across the ring, and hits the Rolling Thunder for 2.  Styles locks RVD in the figure-four leglock.  RVD gets a rope break.  Styles goes for it again, but RVD gets him with an inside cradle for 2.  Styles hits the Pele kick and goes for the Styles Clash.  RVD backdrops him to the apron.  Styles goes for a springboard rana, but RVD powerbombs him and hits the Five Star Frog Splash for the pin in 10:33 to WIN THE TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!  Pretty good match.  Confetti falls.  Jeff Hardy comes out to raise RVD’s hand.  Hulk Hogan, Dixie Carter, Abyss, Team 3D, Rob Terry, Jeff Jarrett, and Eric Bischoff come out to join in the celebration.  Hogan presents RVD with the belt.  3D raises RVD up on their shoulders.  Styles looks on, very upset.  Great feel good moment.

This was a really good TV show by TNA standards, and MUCH better than the horrible Raw we suffered through this week.  They still need to work on pacing their show better so the commercial breaks aren’t at such retarded fucking times.