Archive for Miss Tessmacher

TNA Slammiversary VIII

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 14, 2010 by Grappleholic

The sixth annual Slammiversary, Slammiversary XVIII!  No, that’s not a typo.  It is the 8th anniversary of TNA, but the first Slammiversary was in 2005.

Opening video package highlighting the history of TNA, pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Kazarian vs. Kurt Angle.  Angle takes Kazarian down with a side headlock.  They do some running and jumping around.  Kazarian hits a pair of arm drags.  They trade arm locks.  The crowd chants “USA!”  Both of these guys are Americans.  Kazarian hits a springboard dropkick.  Angle hits the rolling Germans.  Kazarian kicks him in the balls.  The referee wants to DQ Kazarian, but Angle tells him not to.  Kazarian goes on the attack.  He throws Angle out of the ring and hits a slingshot hilo.  Back inside, Kazarian hits his slingshot leg drop for 2.  Kazarian applies a front face lock.  Kazarian hits a clothesline, then chokes Angle with his shin.  Angle fights back and hits a release German suplex.  They trade punches, complete with “BOO, YAY!” responses from the crowd.  Angle hits a belly to belly overhead suplex for 2.  Kazarian counters a move and hits a swinging neckbreaker for 2.  Angle hits a powerbomb for 2, then goes for the ankle lock.  Kazarian rolls through with a front cradle for 2.  Kazarian hits a dropkick for 2.  Kazarian goes up top.  Angle springs up and hits an arm drag for 2.  Angle goes for the Angle Slam.  Kazarian rolls through it, but Angle rolls through the roll through and goes for the ankle lock again.  Kazarian escapes and hits a slingshot DDT for 2.  Angle hits the rolling Germans again.  Angle goes for the Angle Slam again and gets countered again.  Kazarian hits the Axe Guillotine Driver!  Fucking ouch.  Angle kicks out!  Angle fights back, but eats a lariat for 2.  Angle hits the Angle Slam for 2.  Angle goes up top, but Kazarian powerbombs him out of the corner and puts his feet on the ropes for 2.  Kazarian goes for the Axe Guillotine Driver again, but Angle counters and locks in the ankle lock for the win in 14:14.  Very good opener.

Tenay and Taz talk about the anniversary of TNA.

X Factors.

TNA X Division Championship Match: Doug Williams (c) vs. Brian Kendrick.   The crowd is pro-Kendrick.  They chant “YOU’RE A WANKER!” at Williams.  Good back and forth wrestling to start.  Williams sends Kendrick to the floor and follows him out.  Williams avoids Kendrick, who crashes into the barricade, then backdrop suplexes him on the floor.  They trade blows back in the ring.  Williams hits a Samoan drop for 2.  Williams applies a bow & arrow lock, turns it into a pinning predicament for 2, the applies a cravat headlock.  Kendrick tries a springboard, but Williams avoids him by going outside.  Kendrick connects with a dive.  Back inside, Kendrick hits a missile dropkick for 2.  Kendrick hits a running knee strike for 2.  Another kick and another 2 count by Kendrick.  Williams kicks Kendrick in the thigh, then hits a lariat.  Kendrick tries a sunset flip, but Williams sets on him for 2.  They do a cradle reversal bit.  Williams hits a snap suplex and a side suplex, then an Exploder for 2.  Kendrick slaps Williams.  Williams goes for the Chaos Theory, but Kendrick bits his hand.  Williams hits a jumping tornado DDT for the pin in 9:35.  Good little match.  The announcers put over Williams being a hypocrite for using a top rope move to win.

Christy Hemme talks to Eric Bischoff (w/ Miss Tessmacher).  Bischoff is rooting for RVD tonight.

Knockouts Tale of the Tape.  Roxxi and Madison Rayne come out for the match.  Madison cuts a promo that the crowd hates.  She challenges Roxxi to put her career on the line.  Roxxi agrees, then Madison hits her in the head with the mic.

TNA Knockouts Championship vs. Roxxi’s Career: Madison Rayne (c) vs. Roxxi.  Rayne covers for off of the pre-match microphone shot.  Roxxi is BUSTED WIDE OPEN!  Roxxi fights back.  Polish hammer gets 2.  Rayne knocks Roxxi to the outside.  Roxxi is bleeding heavily.  Roxxi rams Rayne into the turnbuckle, then heads up top, but Rayne pulls her down.  Cover gets 2.  Rayne applies an arm hold.  Roxxi connects with an enzuigiri.  Roxxi hits the Voodoo Drop, but Rayne kicks out at 2.  Roxxi hits it again, but Rayne falls out of the ring.  Rayne comes back in and hits her move (the reverse Playmaker thing) for the pin in 4:16.  It was fine.  The last minute stip was random.

Brother Ray/Jesse Neal video package.  They come out for the match.  Ray calls for Brother Devon to come out.  Shannon Moore also comes out.  Brother Ray apologized to everyone for being a douchebag.  Crowd chants “YOU’RE A DOUCHEBAG!”  Moore leaves as Ray puts Neal over.  Ray apologizes again and hugs Neal.  Team 3D raise Neal’s hands.  As they head up the ramp, Ray decks Neal from behind and throws him into the ring.

Jesse Neal vs. Brother Ray.  Devon is like “WTF?” as he’s held back by security.  Ray kicks Neal in the face.  Moore comes back out.  The referee tells everyone to leave.  Neal tries to fight back, but Ray kicks his ass.  Neal finally makes a comeback and hits a belly to belly suplex for 2.  Bubba hits the Bubba Bomb.  Tommy Dreamer walks through the crowd.  Ray gets distracted, but avoids Neal’s spear.  Neal avoids a diving senton and spears Bubba for the pin in 5:53.  Not much of a match.  Ray is pissed.

Christy Hemme interviews Hernandez.

Matt Morgan/Hernandez video package.  Morgan comes out in street clothes and a neck brace.  He says he can’t wrestle tonight because Hernandez jumped him from behind “again.”  He gives the referee a doctor’s note.  Morgan tries to leave, but Hernandez jumps him and throws him in the ring.

Matt Morgan vs. Hernandez.  Hernandez chokes Morgan with a towel.  Hernandez politely sits the referee on the top rope to keep him out of the way.  Morgan begs off, then sends Morgan to the outside.  Morgan hits a shitty discus lariat.  Morgan beats up Hernandez for a little while.  Hernandez makes his comeback.  He rips Morgan’s shirt off and chokes him with it.  The referee tries to make him stop.  Hernandez tires of this shit and tosses the referee across the ring.  The ref DQ’s Hernandez in 5:19.  Hernandez tries to kick Morgan’s head into the post like Morgan did to him a few months ago, but Morgan pulls the ref in front of him.  Morgan runs away.  Earl Hebner runs out to check on the original referee, his son Brian.  Another promising match turning into a stupid angle.

Christy Hemme interviews Hulk Hogan, who is also rooting for RVD tonight.

Monster’s Ball Match: Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. Abyss.  Chelsea is back with Wolfe even though Abyss won her for 30 days 28 days ago.  So not only is Vince Russo a horrible booker, he also can’t count.  Abyss throws a bunch of weapons into the ring.  Wolfe swings a Singapore cane, but Abyss ducks it and kicks his ass.  Wolfe kicks a chair into Abyss.  Wolfe wedges the chair between the top and middle turnbuckles, then wails on Abyss with the Singapore cane.  Abyss hits a sidewalk slam for 2.  Abyss brings in a barbed wire board from under the ring.  Abyss sends Wolfe into the chair between the turnbuckles.  Abyss goes outside to get a trash can.  Wolfe kicks the middle rope into his balls on the way back in, then hits him with the trash can a couple of times.  Wolfe looks in a trash can and finds a teddy bear wrapped in barbed wire.  Awesome.  Abyss rams into Wolfe in the corner, then gives the barbed wire bear to Chelsea.  Abyss pours broken glass into the ring.  Wolfe says “Fuck this” and bails. using Chelsea was a shield.  Wolfe cheap shots Abyss with the Singapore cane, then chokes him with it.  They fight up to the announcers’ table.  Wolfe tries to hit Abyss with the cane again, but Abyss chokeslams him through the platform the announce table is on.  Abyss carries Wolfe back to the ring and covers, but Wolfe gets his foot on the bottom rope.  Abyss lays out the barbed wire board and tries to set up a superplex, but Wolfe hits a sunset flip powerbomb.  Cover gets 2.  Wolfe tees off with the Singapore cane again.  Abyss ducks a shot and hits the Shock Treatment for 2.  Abyss’ arms are cut up from the barbed wire.  Wolfe attacks the arm, then hits Abyss in the back of the head with the cane.  Abyss falls face first into the broken glass.  Chelsea looks concerned or disgusted.  Wolfe covers for 2.  Crowd chants “THIS IS AWESOME!”  It’s not.  Wolfe calls for Chelsea’s purse.  He’s mad that the brass knuckles aren’t in it.  Chelsea throws the knuckles to Abyss.  Abyss decks Wolfe with the knuckles, then hits the Black Hole Slam for the pin in 11:46.  Okay for a garbage match.

Christy Hemme interviews the TNA World Heavyweight Champon, Rob Van Dam.

Ric Flair/Jay Lethal/AJ Styles video package.

AJ Styles (w/ Ric Flair) vs. Jay Lethal.  Lethal chops Styles.  Styles bails.  Back inside, Styles works a side headlock.  Lethal turns it into a head scissors.  Styles turns it back into a headlock.  Styles kicks Lethal in the knee.  They trade chops.  Lethal hits a monkey flip, but Styles lands on his feet.  Lethal takes Styles down and lands a basement dropkick.  Lethal hits a backbreaker for 2.  Lethal hits a spinning head scissors.  Styles bails.  Lethal dives, but Styles slips back into the ring to avoid it.  Styles goes for a dive, but Lethal avoids it and pulls Styles down, causing Styles to smack his face on the apron.  Flair checks on Styles.  Back inside, Lethal ducks a chop and chops Styles.  Styles counters a head scissors attempt by crotching Lethal on the top rope.  Styles hits a knee drop for 2.  Some other stuff happens.  Lethal hits a dropkick for 2.  Styles hits a backdrop suplex for 2.  Styles sends Lethal outside.  Flair chokes Lethal with his jacket.  Back inside, Styles covers for 2.  Lethal hits a handspring elbow smash and some running elbows.  Lethal hits a diving kick and a moonsault body block for 2.  Lethal hits the Lethal Combination for 2.  Lethal tries to springboard, but Styles catches him and hits a fireman’s carry into a neckbreaker across the knee for 2.  Flair argues with Earl Hebner.  Lethal ducks a discus lariat and hits a backdrop into a neckbreaker for 2.  Styles locks Lethal in the figure-four leglock.  Nothing comes of that.  Styles hits a brainbuster for 2.  Styles for the Styles Clash, but Lethal counters and hits a release Dragon suplex.  Cover, but Flair puts Styles’ foot on the bottom rope.  Lethal locks Styles in the figure-four.  Lethal hits a backbreaker and goes for the diving elbow drop, but Styles avoids it.  Styles hits the Pele kick.  Styles tries to climb to the top, but slips and hits his face ont he top turnbuckle.  He tries a half assed something, but Lethal catches him with a half assed Northern Lights suplex hold for the pin in 17:10.  Very good match, but the finish was kind of weird.  Flair yells at Styles.  Kazarian runs out to try to make peace.  Flair and Kazarian leave Styles behind.

Sting cuts a promo up in his clubhouse.

Hardy & Anderson/Beer Money video package.

Christy Hemme interviews Jeff Hardy & Mr. Anderson.  They decide that their team is called “Extreme Enigmatic Assholes.”

Beer Money vs. Jeff Hardy & Mr. Anderson.  Anderson and Roode start.  Both teams make quick tags early.  Hardy and Anderson hit the old Hardy Boyz double leg drop on Roode at one point.  Anderson and Storm brawl.  Roode low bridges Anderson out of the ring and drives him into the side of the ring.  Back inside, Storm covers for 2.  Storm chokes Anderson.  Beer Money double team Anderson.  Anderson catches Storm with a clothesline and makes the tag to Hardy.  Hardy runs wild.  Front suplex on Roode.  Storm saves.  Anderson comes in just to get sent outside by Storm.  Beer Money hit the catapult into the DDT on Hardy.  Roode covers Hardy for 2.  Storm sets up the superkick, but Anderson pulls him out of the ring.  Hardy drops Roode and hits the Swanton Bomb.  Storm pulls the referee out of the ring.  The referee blames Anderson for it, stupidly.  Storm tags in and beats up Hardy.  Beer Money double team Hardy again.  Anderson comes in to save and gets reprimanded by that retarded ref again.  Storm hits a modified DDT OF MURDER on Hardy for 2.  Roode tags in and hits a backbreaker on Hardy for 2.  Anderson gets bitched at for making the save again.  Beer Money keep the heat on Hardy.  BEER!  MONEY!  Hardy inside cradles Storm for 2 while Anderson and Roode argue.  Roode tags in and beats up Hardy.  Hardy misses the Whisper In The Wind.  Hardy hits the Twist of Fate out of nowhere.  Anderson gets the hot tag and runs wild.  Lambeau Leap on Roode for 2.  Hardy takes out Storm with a dive, using Anderson as a springboard.  Roode counters the Mic Check and hits a spinebuster, but Hardy saves.  Hardy kicks Roode.  Storm hits the Eye of the Storm on Hardy.  Beer Money set up the DWI, but Hardy sends Storm out of the ring and helps Anderson counter it.  Anderson hits the Mic Check on Roode for the pin in 13:56.  Pretty good match.  Anderson’s face is bloody.  Anderson and Hardy introduce each other as winners of the match.

RVD/Sting video package.  They say it’s a first time ever match when they technically had a match when RVD debuted in TNA.  Tale of the Tape.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: Rob Van Dam (c) vs. Sting.  They lock up.  Sting takes RVD outside and into the crowd.  They brawl in the crowd, which is a great way to have a match without actually doing anything.  They go back to the ring side of the barricade, then Sting back body drops RVD back into the crowd, giving them an excuse to do more meaningless crowd brawling.  Sting finally brings RVD back in the ring and slowly puts the boots to him.  Sting hits a Stinger Splash for 2.  RVD lands a big kick, some other moves, and his diving kick for 2.  RVD slams Sting and hits the split legged moonsault for 2.  RVD goes for a diving cross body, but Sting moves and referee Earl Hebner takes it.  Sting attacks RVD with his bat.  Jeff Jarrett comes out, takes the bat away, and nails Sting with it a couple of times.  Jarrett leaves.  RVD hits the Rolling Thunder for 2.  Sting avoids RVD in the corner.  RVD avoids the Stinger Splash and lands a kick and the Five Star Frog Splash for the pin in 10:53.  Well this was kind of lame.

Pretty decent show for a TNA PPV, with the worst only being mediocre.

TNA iMPACT! 6/10/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 11, 2010 by Grappleholic

Ugh, here we go again.

“Last week on iMPACT!..” music video.

“A Flair For The Dramatic.”

Pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.  Tonight, Kurt Angle returns to the ring!  Also, they’ll show “never before seen footage” of Sting’s attack on Jeff Jarrett of Sacrifice.  Probably the exact same footage they showed last week, but now it’s never been seen.

AJ Styles, Desmond Wolfe, Kazarian, and Beer Money come out.  Styles says that he’s in charge in Flair’s absence.  He says they’re in an 8-man tag, then does some first grade math.  He says 5 guys in a group doesn’t work, and makes reference to the Beatles, the Fantastic 4, and the Four Horsemen.  He tries to kick Kazarian out of the group.  Jay Lethal comes out, this week playing the role of Ric Flair.  He does do a great Flair impersonation.  Lethal introduces his team for the 8-man tag: Abyss and Mr. Anderson.  Styles notes that that’s only 3.  Lethal says Abyss counts as 2.  The faces rush the ring and brawl with the 5 heels.  To the shock of absolutely no one, Jeff Hardy makes the save (running in through the crowd).  Man, this show is horribly written.

Weird backstage video promo with Brian Kendrick.

Brian Kendrick vs. Homicide.  Yes, Homicide is still employed.  TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams comes out to do commentary.  They lock up.  Homicide lands some punches that Kendrick sells like shotgun blasts.  Kendrick fights back.  Homicide goes for the Cop Killa, but Kendrick counters.  Homicide beats up Kendrick some more.  Homicide hits an Exploder for 2.  Homicide hits a Michinoku Driver II for 2.  Homicide continues beating up Kendrick.  Homicide unwraps his wrist tape to use.  The referee takes it away, so Homicide uses the tap from the other wrist to choke Kendrick.  Kendrick makes a comeback.  He knocks Homicide out to the ramp and ramps his head into the ramp.  Homicide empties out a toolbox from under the ring and grabs a screwdriver.  The referee takes it away.  Kendrick kicks Homicide in the face for the pin in 6:02.  Very oddly structured match.  At least Kendrick didn’t do the job right before his PPV title shot.

Ink Inc. and Team 3D are in the back.  Apparently Moore, Devon, and security are trying to hold Ray and Neal back from fighting.

Ink Inc. are in the ring.  Neal calls out Brother Ray.  Team 3D come out.  Agents (including Terry Taylor and Pat Kenney) try to keep order.  Neal accuses Bubba of laying them out and putting cards on them.  Bubba cuts a promo about how great he is and how Neal is nothing, just to show what a big prick he is.  Bubba calls more a bitch.  Moore calls Bubba a bully and a douchebag.  Well, he’s right.  Moore calls Devon Bubba’s puppet.  Devon cuts a promo on Moore, then tells Bubba to get his head straight and leave Neal alone.  Devon leaves.  Ray cheap shots Neal and runs away.

Slammiversary commercial.

They show Sting’s beat down of Jeff Jarrett from Sacrifice.  Fast forward.

Jeff Jarrett comments NEXT!

Eric Bischoff and Miss Tessmacher are with Matt Morgan backstage.  Morgan wants to know who his partner is at Slammiversary.  Bischoff says he has a partner for Morgan and his tag title rematch is next.

Jeff Jarrett talks about Sting destroying him.

Matt Morgan comes out.  Hulk Hogan follows and talks about Morgan being a prick.  He introduces Morgan’s partner, the returning Hernandez.  Hernandez kicks Morgan’s ass.  Hogan joins Tenay and Taz for commentary.  Hernandez chokes Morgan with his towel.  Hogan books Hernandez vs. Morgan for Slammiversary.  Geeks come out to put Morgan on a stretcher.  Wasn’t there supposed to be a tag title match somewhere in here?  Ah, here comes The Band.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match: Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, & Eric Young (c) vs. Matt Morgan.  Young pins Morgan on the stretcher in 17 seconds.

Christy Hemme interviews TNA World Heavyweight Champion Rob Van Dam.  Sting jumps RVD from behind and chokes him out, then steals the belt.

Moments ago, ^ happened.

People check on RVD.  He realizes his belt is gone and he’s pissed.

Kurt Angle comes out and cuts a promo.  He asked his X Divison friend to wrestle him tonight, and to hold nothing back.

Kurt Angle vs. Amazing Red.  They shake hands and lock up.  Red does his stuff and Angle hangs with him.  Angle hits a belly to belly suplex and a European uppercut.  Red side steps Angle and sends him outside.  Red goes for a dive, but Angle avoids it.  Red jumps off the apron and hits a rana.  Back inside, Angle NAILS Red with a clothesline.  Angle goes for the Angle Slam, but Red hits a DDT.  Red hits a jumping DDT for 2.  Angle hits a German suplex.  Red arm drages out of an Angle Slam attempt and hits a sick rana head drop and the Red Star Press for 2.  Angle avoids the Infra Red and hits the Angle Slam for the pin in 3:44.  Fun little match.  I wish Angle would stop getting dropped on his head and shit, though.  Angle helps Red up, raises his hand, and hugs him.

Sting talks to or about the World Championship belt.  He has “Deception” written on the belt.

Slammiversary hype video.

RVD goes to look for Sting in his clubhouse, or wherever the fuck Sting hangs out up there.

AJ Styles, Beer Money, & Desmond Wolfe vs. Jeff Hardy, Mr. Anderson, Abyss (w/ Chelsea), & Jay Lethal.  Roode and Lethal brawl to start.  Lethal hits a handspring elbow smash.  All of the faces deck Roode.  Abyss tags in.  Beer Money try to double team Abyss, but get fought off.  Anderson tags in against Storm.  Anderson and Hardy make quick tags and work over Storm’s arm.  Wolfe gets the tag and wrestles with Hardy.  Hardy hits a suplex for 2.  Styles tags in to work over Hardy.  Styles hits a knee drop for 2.  The heels isolate Hardy on their side of the ring and work him over.  Hardy reverses Wolfe into Beer Money’s boots.  Clusterfuck ensues briefly.  Hardy gets beaten up by the heels.  Double suplex by BEER!  MONEY!  Roode hits a knee drop for 2.  Roode hits the bottom rope decapitator thing for 2.  Lethal gets the tag, but the referee misses it and doesn’t allow it.  The heels continue beating up Hardy.  Hardy hits a jawbreaker on Styles, then drops him with a kick.  Hardy makes the hot tag to Lethal, who runs wild.  Lethal hits a move on Styles and covers, but Wolfe saves.  Everybody starts hitting signature moves.  Nigel hits the jawbreaker lariat on Abyss, then asks Chelsea for the chair she’s sitting in.  She hesitates, but Wolfe gets the chair.  Abyss punches it into his face.  Styles hits Abyss with the springboard forearm.  Lethal goes for a rana, but Styles catches him and hits the Styles Clash for the pin in 10:50.  Pretty good match.  I’m shocked they actually got some time and it wasn’t mostly commercials.

Sting isn’t in his clubhouse, he’s somewhere else.  Commercials.

RVD shows up at wherever Sting is.  Sting jumps him from behind and kicks his ass.  RVD fights back.  They brawl all over backstage and throw each other into shit.  They eventually make it to the ring.  RVD takes off Sting’s coat and the belt and continues to beat him up.  RVD wedges a chair between the top and middle turnbuckles.  They fight some more.  RVD lands a superkick.  Sting sends RVD’s head into the chair, then hits him in the back with the chair.  Sting says the belt is RVD’s until Sunday.  This whole thing was stupid.

There was some good stuff on this show, but as always, there was a bunch of crap and the writing is just fucking horrible.

TNA iMPACT! 6/3/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 4, 2010 by Grappleholic

Ugh, here we go again.

Music video.

“Smoke & Mirrors.”

Pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  10 days until Slammiversary.  Tonight, Jay Lethal faces AJ Styles and Frankie Kazarian.  They don’t bother to specify if it’s a Three-Way or a Handicap Match.  Last week, some shit happened.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Sting comes out to cut a promo.  He talks about how confuckled TNA is.  Crowd chants “WHY STING WHY?”  I don’t give a fuck at this point.  The lights go out and a video of Sting beating the fuck out of Jeff Jarrett, Rob Van Dam, and Eric Bischoff plays.  Eric Bischoff comes out with Miss Tessmacher.  Bischoff cuts a promo on Sting.  He says Sting will have a  match tonight, and his opponent is behind him.  It’s Samoa Joe.

Sting vs. Samoa Joe.  Joe jumps Sting and kicks his ass.  Matt Morgan attacks Sting, which the referee is totally cool with.  TNA World Heavyweight Champion Rob Van Dam makes the save.  He kind of fucks up his springboard kick on Morgan, but manages.  Bischoff comes back out and says later tonight, it’ll be Sting & Morgan vs. RVD & Joe.  This match is presumably a no-contest in like 30 seconds.  I already hate this show.  RVD says it should be a Four-Way instead.  Bischoff says he doesn’t have the authority.  He doesn’t?  Hulk Hogan comes out, puts over RVD’s stroke, and makes the match.  Ugh.

Christy Hemme interviews AJ Styles.  Ah, so the match is a three-way.  He just found out about it.  Well, so did we.  Ric Flair comes in.  Styles complains to him.  Kazarian comes in.  Flair gave him a watch.  Styles is upset by this.

Rosie Lottalove vs. Roxxi.  Rosie is a big woman who dresses naughtily.  Rosie uses her superior size to dominate Roxxi.  Roxxi avoids a running ass to the corner and fights back.  Madison Rayne appears from somewhere and hits Roxxi in the back with the Knockouts Championship belt from the outside.  Rosie takes too long and Roxxi pins her with an inside cradle in 1:44.  Rayne yells at Rosie.  Rosie gives her a choke bomb.  This was stupid.

Jeremy Borash interviews Rosie Lottalove on the ramp.  She’s going to take out the Beautiful People on behalf of ugly people, or something.  She kisses JB.

Styles vs. Kazarian vs. Lethal next.

Three-Way Match: AJ Styles (w/ Ric Flair) vs. Kazarian vs. Jay Lethal.  Styles goes outside to let Kazarian and Lethal go at it.  They go for a few seconds, then Styles attacks Lethal.  Lethal avoids a blow in the corner and hits a head scissors.  Lethal goes for the Lethal Combination, the Kazarian dropkicks Lethal.  Kazarian and Styles both call to Flair, then argue.  Lethal decks Styles, then bulldogs Kazarian while clotheslining Styles.  Styles backdrops Lethal to the apron.  He goes for a springboard, but Kazarian pushes Styles away and catches Lethal with an Ace Crusher for 2.  Styles hits a backbreaker on Lethal.  They’re playing “Can you top this?”  Kazarian hits a huge hip toss.  They argue and try to set up a double team, but Lethal fights back.  Styles hits the nip up rana on Lethal, which is awesome.  Styles and Kazarian try to work together, but go for opposite suplexes and argue.  Kazarian causes Styles to miss a springboard.  Lethal gets Styles with a reverse cradle for the pin in 4:42.  Flair bitches at Styles.  He tells Styles to go home and regroup.  Kurt Angle appears on the ramp.  Styles mumbles, or something, and leaves.  This was stupid.

Kurt Angle is still in the ring with Ric Flair and Kazarian.  Angle says he’ll face Kazarian at Slammiversary.  Flair is insulted that Angle didn’t address him.  Flair talks about Angle helping his son Reid with amateur wrestling, but pro wrestling is Flair’s world.  Flair says he’s God, which bothers me.  He tells Angle to go away, and threatens to take off his sport coat.  Flair wants Angle to hold the ropes open for him.  Angle does, then throws Flair off the ramp.  Kazarian jumps Angle from behind, just like Angle just did to Flair.  Kazarian throws Angle back in the ring.  Angle makes a comeback and Kazarian bails.  What was the point of this stupid segment?  I hate this show.

In one of those shitty, horribly shot backstage segments, Matt Morgan talks to Sting.  Sting doesn’t reply.

Sting vs. Morgan vs. RVD vs. Joe tonight.

AJ Styles throws a temper tantrum outside the building.  He says he has to kill Jay Lethal, so he’ll challenge him to a match at Slammiversary.

Video of the confusion going on with Ken Anderson lately.

Christy Hemme is in the ring.  She introduces Mr. Anderson.  He checks out her boobs.  She slaps him.  He checks out her ass.  She says “Really?”  He does it just because he’s an asshole.  He says the fans are assholes for hoping for a wardrobe malfunction.  Crowd pops.  They chant “WE ARE ASSHOLES!”  He says it’s going to be himself & Jeff Hardy vs. Beer Money at Slammiversary.  Hardy comes out.  Hardy says Anderson is a funny asshole.  They’re friends now.  Hardy babbles about whatever.  Beer Money come out.  They’re having singles matches tonight.  Roode cuts a long promo about tag teams.  Anderson asks Roode why his hair is always wet and why Storm is wearing sunglasses.  Roode laughs, then decks Anderson.  Everybody brawls.  Security breaks them up.

Jeff Hardy vs. James Storm.  They’re brawling outside when the show comes back on.  Hardy removes the floor padding and hip tosses Storm on concrete.  They finally get inside to start the match.  Storm hits a modified DDT OF MURDER, I think, for 2.  Storm beats up Hardy.  Storm hits a really half assed uranage for 2.  Storm brings a chair in.  The ref takes it away.  That was pointless.  Hardy hits a jawbreaker.  They trade shots.  Hardy hits his shitty clotheslines, which for some reason look better than usual.  Hardy uses the chair as a springboard for the Poetry In Motion for 2.  Hardy hits a front suplex and goes up top.  Storm cuts him off and goes for a Frankensteiner.  Hardy blocks it and hits the Whisper In The Wind for 2.  Storm spits beer at Hardy and hits the Eye of the Storm for 2.  Good.  That’s got no  impact to be a finish.  Hardy avoids a chair shot and it bounces off the ropes and hits Storm.  Hardy hits the Twist of Fate and the Swanton bomb for the pin in 5:56.  This was kind of okay.  Commercials.

Robert Roode vs. Ken Anderson.  Anderson looks to be all business.  They lock up.  Roode pushes Anderson into the corner.  Crowd chants “LET’S GO ASSHOLE!”  Anderson clamps on a side headlock.  Roode drops down to avoid something and gets hit in the back.  Roode connects with some punches.  Anderson hits a running back to the back, or something, then a schoolboy for 2.  Roode bails.  Anderson chases him.  The referee gets in Anderson’s way getting back in the ring.  Roode cheap shots Anderson to get the advantage.  Roode works over Anderson.  Anderson fights back and goes for the Mic Check, fails, but back body drops Roode.  Anderson goes for the Lambau Leap, but Roode rakes his eyes.  Kennedy goes for a diving sunset flip, but Roode crushes it and grabs the ropes to get the pin in 4:54.  It was okay.  Anderson calls for his hanging mic.  He says people can only beat him by cheating, because He’s Mr. Asshole.  Or whatever.  I hate this show.

TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams talks backstage.

Abyss, Rob Terry, and Chelsea are headed our way.

Abyss/Terry vs. Wolfe/Jordan video package.  Seriously.

Desmond Wolfe & Orlando Jordan vs. TNA Global Champion Rob Terry & Abyss (w/ Chelsea).  Tenay says Wolfe and Chelsea got probation and community service for the false police report thing.  They fuck around, then Wolfe jumps Abyss and attacks the damaged arm.  Jordan tags in and works the arm too.  Abyss fights back and throws Jordan out of the ring “like a pink torpedo.”  Jordan checks out Chelsea, then shakes his head.  She slaps him.  Wolfe bitches at both of them.  Abyss beats up Wolfe.  Jordan has Rob Terry pasties on his nipples this week.  Terry beats up Jordan.  Terry hits the Freak Buster for the pin in 2:52.  This blew.  Shock, right?

Team 3D/Ink Inc. video.  Devon things Bubba is overreacting.

The Four-Way is next.

Jesse Neal is laid out backstage with an Ace of Spades on his chest, just like Shannon Moore was last week?  The fuck?  This shit is so fucking stupid.

Entrances for the main event.  They show Sting’s fucking up of Jeff Jarrett again.  They show Joe costing Morgan the tag titles.  New stupid camera play for RVD’s entrance music, but I love the music.

Non-Title, Four-Way Match: Matt Morgan vs. Sting vs. Samoa Joe vs. TNA World Heavyweight Champion Rob Van Dam.  Morgan and Joe brawl on the inside while Sting and RVD brawl on the outside.  The faces end up clearing the heels out of the ring.  Joe and RVD tease going at it, but Sting and Morgan jump them.  Crowd boos.  I don’t blame them.  I’d dig seeing Joe vs. RVD too.  Joe and Morgan go outside.  RVD hits the Rider kick and the Rolling Thunder on Sting.  Morgan breaks the cover.  Sting and Morgan go at it.  Morgan hits a discus lariat.  Joe breaks the cover.  Joe kicks Sting for 2, as Morgan breaks the cover.  Morgan hits a spinning slam on RVD.  Morgan’s revolving elbows on RVD.  Morgan sees somebody in the crowd.  Who was it supposed to be?  Oh, Hernandez.  Joe hits the Muscle Buster on Morgan.  RVD hits the Rider kick on Joe, then hits the Five Star Frog Splash on Morgan for the pin in 4:58.  Clunky mess with no flow.  I went back and looked.  It may or may not have been Hernandez.  RVD and Joe go nose to nose.  End of show.

This show sucked.

TNA iMPACT! 5/20/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2010 by Grappleholic

Sacrifice highlight video.

“10 Card Stud”

Pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Tonight, the Top 10 Contenders will be announced!  Tonight, there will be an announcement regarding the main event of tonight’s show.  Well I fucking hope so.  Also, Kurt Angle returns.

Eric Bischoff comes out with Miss Tessmacher.  Bischoff introduces the top 10 contenders.  Each guy comes out to the ramp and they show a brief video package.  #10 is Samoa Joe.  #9 is TNA Global Champion Rob Terry.  #8 is Desmond Wolfe.  #7 is “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  #6 Abyss.  #5 is Mr. Anderson.  #4 is Jeff Hardy.  #3 is AJ Styles.  #2 is Kurt Angle (who doesn’t come out).  Crowd chants “WE WANT ANGLE!”  #1 is Sting.  WHAT THE FUCK?  These rankings are motherfucking retarded.  Sting comes to the ring.  Crowd chants “WE WANT A RECOUNT!”  Bischoff books Sting vs. Jeff Hardy for tonight.  Sting smashes the stupid poster things in the ring, the hits Abyss with the bat.  Abyss tries to make the save, but gets owned.  Hardy takes the bat from Sting.  Hardy slaps Sting.  Sting kicks Hardy in the balls and takes his bat back.  TNA World Champion Rob Van Dam comes out.  Hardy clips Sting’s leg and hits the Twist of Fate.  Hardy goes up top, but Sting leaves.  Just to recap, Sting vs. Hardy tonight and Sting vs. RVD for the World Title at Slammiversary.  This was all stupid.

Moments ago, some shitty booking was played out.

Matt Morgan bitches to Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff.  “They” want “their” rematch for the tag titles.

Roxxi, who looks totally different from the last time I saw her, comes out.  They show her breaking her ankle in a match against Ayako Hamada on New Years’ Eve.

Non-Title: Roxxi vs. TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne.  Roxxi seems freakishly tall.  She’s all over Rayne to start.  Rayne avoids a shot and attacks her.  Knee lift gets 1.  Rayne works Roxxi’s face.  Seriously.  Roxxi hits the Voodoo Drop for the pin in 2:42.  Whatever.  Rayne is pissed.

Chelsea bitches at Desmond Wolfe about having to be Abyss’ property for 30 days.  Wolfe reassures her.

Kurt Angle arrives with a goatee and refuses to answer some geek’s questions.

Kurt Angle music video.

Kurt Angle comes out and talks for a while.  He says he’s taking himself out of the #1 contender spot and he’s going to wrestle every one of the top contenders.

Christy Hemme talks to Ric Flair and Beer Money.  Beer Money are facing Jay Lethal and a partner tonight.  Kazarian comes in.  He wants to talk to Flair.

Tonight, Sting vs. Hardy.

Rob Terry says he has a knee injury, and he’s wrestling with it tonight.

Jeremy Borash is still doing ring announcing.

Non-Title: TNA Global Champion Rob Terry vs. Orlando Jordan.  Why the fuck are we doing this again?  Jordan goes on the attack.  Terry fights back.  Earl Hebner gets knocked down.  Jordan gets back dropped.  Cover gets 2.  Jordan attacks the injured knee and works it over.  Jordan locks in a knee bar.  Terry refuses to tap, but Hebner stops it and gives Jordan the win in 2:58.  It served its purpose, so I have no complaints.  Jordan attacks Terry again after the match and puts the hold back on.

Jay Lethal talks about his issues with Ric Flair.  Rob Van Dam offers to be his partner.  Lethal agrees.

Jeff Hardy applies his makeup and talks about idolizing Sting when he was a child.

Ink Inc. barge into Team 3D’s locker room.  Neal bitches at Bubba about the shit he pulled at the PPV, which was a dick move.  Neal and Bubba come to blows.

Beer Money vs. TNA World Heavyweight Champion Rob Van Dam & AJ Styles.  Lethal has his own music and gear and is no longer doing the Black Machismo gimmick.  Roode Pearl Harbors Lethal to start the match.  Lethal fights back.  Lethal goes up top, but Roode shoves him off.  Beer Money put the boots to Lethal.  Roode tags in and works him over.  Lethal gets turned inside out by a clothesline.  Beer Money hit a double back body drop on Lethal.  Roode takes over the punishment.  Lethal hits a handspring elbow smash and makes the tag to RVD.  RVD runs wild briefly, then gets cut off by Roode.  RVD rallies and hits the flying kick.  Cover, but Roode saves.  Lethal blind tags in and hits a missile dropkick on Roode.  Lethal hits the Lethal Combination.  RVD hits the Rolling Thunder.  Lethal locks Roode in the figure-four leglock.  RVD takes Storm out with a dive.  Roode submits to Lethal’s figure-four in 3:56.  Fun little tag match.  Ric Flair comes out and brawls with Lethal.  They brawl to the back.  RVD celebrates some more and slaps hands with fans.  A fan in a Sting mask hits RVD with a chair.  He takes off the mask to reveal… Sting!  Okay, that was fucking awesome.  Sting hits RVD again and leaves.

Recap of the shit Sting has pulled so far tonight.

Jeff Hardy is in the ring.  He cuts a promo on Sting and leaves.

Security tells Desmond Wolfe “It’s time.”  Wolfe tells Chelsea it’s going to be okay and bitches out the security guards.

Abyss comes to the ring and calls for Desmond Wolfe to bring him his new property.  Security brings Chelsea out, with Wolfe trailing behind and still acting all pissed off.  Abyss says he made Wolfe his bitch at Sacrifice, and tonight he’s taking his bitch.  Wolfe says Abyss will take Chelsea over his dead body.  He kicks Abyss and the security guards in the balls, then beats up the security guards.  I think they need better security.  Wolfe takes a glass bottle from Chelsea, breaks it, and threatens Abyss with it.  Wolfe cuts Abyss’ arm, then bitches at Chelsea.  Abyss’ arm is bleeding.  He knocks the bottle away and hits the Black Hole Slam on Wolfe.  Abyss carries Chelsea away, presumably to fuck repeatedly.

House show plugs.

TNA World Tag Team Champions The Band are in the ring.  Eric Young cuts a promo about having joined The Band.

Eric Young (w/ TNA World Tag Team Champions Kevin Nash & Scott Hall) vs. Shannon Moore (w/ Jesse Neal).  Young attacks.  Moore responds with lots of moves.  Young beats up Moore some more.  Diving elbow drop gets 2.  Young keeps the heat on.  Hebner catches Nash trying to interfere and stops him, but Young is doing fine on his own.  Young makes his comeback.  Brother Ray comes out.  Jesse Neal attacks him on the ramp.  Brother Devon comes out to break it up.  Hall hits Moore in the back with the belt.  Young hits a piledriver for the pin in 3:41.  It’s nice to see someone using the piledriver as a finish again.  Brother Ray attacks Neal again, just because he’s a dick.  He and Devon argue.

Sting vs. Hardy is still to come.

Taz and Tenay talk about the situation with Team 3D and Jesse Neal.

X Division Battle Royal featuring The Motor City Machine Guns of Chris Sabin & Alex Shelley, Generation Me of Max Buck & Jeremy Buck, Kazarian, Homicide, and Amazing Red.  No entrances, everyone is just in the ring and start brawling.  The winner becomes #10 contender since Angle gave up his spot so everyone else moves up a spot.  Kazarian eliminates Red.  Bucks double team the Guns.  Sabin eliminates Max by dropkicking him off the apron.  Shelley gets eliminated by Jeremy.  Sabin eliminates Jeremy.  Ric Flair comes out.  Kazarian eliminates Sabin.  Homicide attacks Kazarian.  Brian Kendrick comes in and eliminates Homicide.  He’s in the match, but nobody knew it until now, because there were no entrances on TV and he wasn’t in the ring when the match started.  Kazarian withstands Kendrick’s attack and throws him out to win it in 2:52.  There’s some sort of connection with Flair and Kazarian now.

Sting vs. Hardy is NEXT!

Sting vs. Jeff Hardy.  They lock up.  Sting is the aggressor early.  Hardy fights back.  Sting bails.  After a minute, Hardy hits a baseball slide dropkick.  He goes for a dive, but Sting avoids it.  Sting rams Hardy’s knee against the ramp a couple of times, then continues beating Hardy up back in the ring.  FUCKING ALTERNATING CHANTS AGAIN.  Hardy avoids the Stinger Splash and makes his comeback.  Basement dropkick gets 2.  Sting avoids the Whisper In The Wind and locks in the Scorpion Death Lock.  Hardy gets a rope break.  Ref bump.  Sting goes for the Scorpion Death Drop.  Mr. Anderson sneaks in and hits a Scorpion Death Drop on Sting.  It’s sloppy.  Hardy pins Sting in 5:40.  Not much of a match.  Anderson tries to make friends with Hardy again.  Sting kills them both with the bat.

Not the worst iMPACT! ever by any means.

TNA iMPACT! 4/26/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 30, 2010 by Grappleholic

“Last week…” video.

“Mr. Monday Night”

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Tonight, AJ Styles & Sting face Jeff Jarrett & Jeff Hardy, plus Ric Flair takes on Abyss!  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  David Penzer is the ring announcer.

Hulk Hogan comes out and babbles for a while, then introduces the NEW TNA World Heavyweight Champion, Rob Van Dam.  Damned if that belt doesn’t look good on him.  Van Dam tells “Hulkie” that from now on, he is to be known as “Mr. TNA.”  Hogan seems to approve.  RVD makes some pot references and talks about how awesome he is.  AJ Styles and Ric Flair come out.  Hogan says they weren’t invited.  Is anyone ever?  Crowd chants “EX WORLD CHAMP!” at AJ.  Styles talks shit to both of them and raises some valid points.  Flair cuts a typically great promo on Hogan.

The Beautiful People bitch about Madison Rayne having to defend the Knockouts Title tonight.  Lacey is stupid.  I’m pretty sure that’s the point.

Tara/Angelina Love/Beautiful People video.

Three-Way Match for the TNA Knockouts Championship: Madison Rayne (c) (w/ TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions Velvet Sky & Lacey Von Erich) vs. Angelina Love vs. Tara.  The Beautiful People are ejected by the referee before the match.  Tara clotheslines Rayne.  Love and Tara stare at each other, then fight.  Rayne comes in and tries to steal the pin, but gets beaten up by Love.  Tara attacks Love again.  Love gets hurt.  Rayne knocks Tara out of the ring.  Commercials.  Love beats up Rayne.  Tara is still selling on the outside.  Rayne tries to bail, but Love pulls her back in and hits a World’s Strongest Slam for 2.  Tara comes back in and throws Love into the post and out of the ring.  Rayne schoolgirls Tara for 2.  Tara hits a snap suplex into a guillotine.  It sure looked like Rayne was tapping.  Rayne hits a shitty face plant.  Love comes back in and fights them both.  Tara hits an airplane spin into a side slam on Love.  Rayne knocks Love into Tara, then schoolgirls Love for the pin in 8:19 (including commercials).  This sucked.  Tara and Love brawl after the match.

Sting & Styles vs. The Jeffs TONIGHT!  Plus, Flair vs. Abyss!

Shannon Moore is getting ready!

ShopTNA.com!

TNA X Division Championship Match: Kazarian (c) vs. Shannon Moore.  Kaz is still belt-less.  They lock up and wrestle.  Nice exchange of arm drags.  Kazarian avoids a leg a drop.  Moore hits a rana and an atomic drop, then a leg drop for 2.  Kazarian hits a cool slingshot arm drag and a spinning neckbreaker for 2.  Kazarian goes for the Axe Guillotine Driver, but Moore counters.  Kazarian shoves Moore into the referee.  Moore goes up top.  Kazarian rocks him with a kick and goes for a Frankensteiner, but Moore knocks him off.  Matt Morgan runs out and shoves Moore off the top rope, then throws him back in the ring.  Kazarian hits the Axe Guillotine Driver for the pin in 4:20.  It was an alright little match.  Not as good as the match from a few weeks ago, though.  SAMOA JOE comes out and MURDER DEATH KILLS Kazarian and gives him the Muscle Buster.  Bad ass.

Abyss cuts a promo in some darkened backstage area.

TNA World Tag Team Champions Matt Morgan asks Jesse Neal to defend the titles with him.  Neal says no, based on how Morgan treats his tag partners.  Morgan brings up Neal’s Navy buddy who died, which makes Neal start to reconsider.

AJ Styles is headed our way!

Jeff Jarrett and Jeff Hardy are also headed our way!

Falls Count Anywhere Match: AJ Styles & Sting vs. Jeff Jarrett & Jeff Hardy.  Everybody brawls.  Hardy and Styles brawl outside.  Sting and Jarrett brawl in the ring.  Hardy suplexes Styles on the ramp for 2.  Sting and Jarrett brawl in the crowd.  This match has 2 referees.  That’s smart.  Everybody comes back to the ring and breaks down into a tag match.  Why?  Styles low blows Jarrett to escape a sleeper.  Jarrett tags Hardy, but the referee doesn’t allow it because he didn’t see it IN A FUCKING NO DQ MATCH.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKERS?  Jarrett and Sting do a double down.  Jeff gets the tag again, but the referee STILL DIDN’T SEE IT.  Jeff says “Fuck this shit” and kicks Styles’ ass anyway.  Sting leaves.  Just fucking leaves.  Hardy goes up top, but Styles cuts him off.  Styles goes the Styles Clash on the stage on Hardy, but gets reversed.  Jarrett goes to the back and brawls with Sting.  Hardy puts Styles on a table and sets up a ladder on the stage.  Sting hits Jarrett with a bat.  Sting pins Jarrett on the steps in 6:15.  Hardy has reached the top of the ladder, but since the match is over, the fucking referee pulls AJ off the table.  This match was the worst fucking match in the history of terrible fucking matches.

Jesse Neal talks to Team 3D about teaming with Matt Morgan against them tonight.  They discuss it for a while, then 3D give their blessing.

The Pope is headed our way!

ShopTNA.com!

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero comes out.  They show highlights of the match with AJ Styles at Lockdown.  Pope has his arm in a sling and a studded eye patch.  Pope cuts a promo.  Mr. Anderson interrupts and babbles for a while, then challenges Pope to a match at Sacrifice.  Pope pimp slaps Anderson.  Anderson kicks his ass, rips off his eye patch, and thumbs Pope in the injured eye.  Security breaks it up.

Team 3D has put Syxx-Pac through a table backstage.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match: Matt Morgan (c) & Jesse Neal vs. Team 3D.  Devon and Neal do stuff while the crowd does some stupid chant.  Ray tags in and bear hugs Neal.  Kevin Nash and Scott Hall come out.  3D meets them and brawls with them on the ramp.  Neal joins to help 3D.  It’s a no-contest in 1:08.  Morgan drops Neal and takes him back to the ring.  Morgan chokeslams Neal, then poses with the belts.  Commercials.  This was pointless.

Team 3D and Jesse Neal are in the ring.  Neal calls Morgan out because he wants to kick his ass.  Christy Hemme talks to Matt Morgan backstage.  Morgan says he’s off the lock.  Hulk Hogan tells Morgan to go the ring, or deal with Hogan.  Hogan’s like 107 years old, so Morgan could easily take him out.  Instead, he goes back out.  Neal meets him on the ramp and kicks his ass.  3D has disappeared.  Neal goes to hit Morgan with the belt, but Morgan low blows him.  Moore hits Neal with the belt.  Shannon Moore comes out and hits Morgan with a missile dropkick.  Neal and Moore shake hands.  Team Mohawk!  Retarded segment.

Eric Bischoff and Miss Tessmacher are in the office.  Bischoff says the fans will vote for the #1 Contender.  Jay Lethal comes in and lists a bunch of 80s guys.  Stupid.

AJ Styles pumps up Ric Flair for the main event, which is NEXT!

Orlando Jordan, in the gayest get up I’ve ever seen, cuts a promo about Rob Terry.  Tenay and Taz are like WTF?

They show a low key Ric Flair talking backstage, presumably earlier today.

Kevin Nash and Scott Hall talk.  Nash is pissed.

Abyss/Flair video package.

Ring vs. Ring: Ric Flair vs. Abyss.  They lock up.  Abyss overpowers Flair.  Flair chops Abyss.  Abyss punches Flair.  Abyss back body drops Flair.  Flair takes a walk around the ring.  Abyss follows.  Flair chops Abyss.  Abyss punches Flair.  Flair is BUSTED WIDE OPEN!  Flair goes up top, but Abyss throws him off, just like in every other Flair match you’ve ever seen.  Flair gets knocked loopy and face flops.  Flair kicks Abyss and Earl Hebner in the balls, then punches Abyss with brass knuckles.  ABYSS FUCKING NO SELLS BRASS KNUCKLES, so Flair hits him in the balls with them and gets the pin in 4:40.  Except that Hebner finds the knuckles.  They get into a shoving match.  Hebner resumes the match.  Flair punches Abyss.  Abyss hulks up.  Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam for the pin in 5:20.  This match fucking blew.  Hulk Hogan comes out to pull Flair’s ring off.  Hogan says he knows who he’s giving Flair’s ring to next week.  So TNA’s only drawing card is WWE Hall of Fame rings.

This show was fucking horrible in every way.  Whoever put this piece of shit together should be fired.  I don’t mean fired from their job.  I mean set on fire.

TNA iMPACT! 4/19/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 21, 2010 by Grappleholic

Lockdown highlights.

“What We All Fight For.”

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are our announcers.

TNA World Heavyweight Champion AJ Styles comes to the ring and cuts a promo.  He says he’s “pound for pound, the best wrestler in the world.”  He talks about being the best and beating everybody.  Rob Van Dam comes out and cuts a promo on AJ.  Jeff Hardy comes out and spouts off a bunch of jibberish.  Hulk Hogan comes out and cuts a promo putting over the importance of the title.  Hogan books RVD vs. Hardy in a #1 Contender match, with the winner challenging AJ for the title.  Styles says he won’t be ready by Sacrifice.  Hogan says the match is TONIGHT!  Long segment.  I gave you the short version.

Ric Flair arrives.  Somebody tells him about the match Hogan just booked.  Flair isn’t happy.

Tenay and Taz cream themselves over the matches Hogan booked.  Also, Ric Flair will be barred from ringside for the title match.

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship Match: The Beautiful People (c) (w/ TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne) vs. ODB & Daffney.  The BP team is announced as Velvet & Rayne, but Lacey is the one that’s wrestling, so I guess they’re using the Freedbird rule.  Of course, nobody bothers to explain that.  Daffney runs wild to start, literally.  Lacey tags in and does her stupid backflip elbow drop.  Velvet tags in and beats up Daffney.  Daffney catches Velvet coming off the top with a shot to the gut.  ODB gets the hot tag and runs wild.  Madison distracts the referee.  Lacey sprains hair spray in ODB’s eyes and Velvet schoolgirls her for the pin in 2:42.  Well this sucked.

Jeremy Borash eavesdrops of AJ Styles bitching at Ric Flair about the situation he’s in tonight.  Flair encourages AJ, saying he’ll beat whoever he faces tonight.  Flair says he wants a rematch from Lethal Lockdown.  JB comes in and questions Flair about it.  Flair says if Team Hogan doesn’t accept the challenge in 5 minutes, he’ll claim the win by forfeit.  I give TNA major credit for not doing the invisible camera shit here.

Abyss and Jeff Jarrett come to the ring.  Abyss says the war between Team Hogan and Team Flair is over since the babyfaces won at Lockdown.  I agree.  Abyss says they would accept the challenge if RVD and Hardy weren’t already booked tonight.  Ric Flair comes out with Sting, Beer Money, and Desmond Wolfe.  Flair says “Kiss my ass.”  Team Flair comes to the ring and gangs up on Abyss and Jarrett.  “The Freak” Rob Terry makes the save for Team Hogan and cleans house.  He takes 2 tries to press Desmond Wolfe and trips while trying to do his jumping kick on Sting in the process.  Flair starts babbling.  Eric Bischoff comes out and agrees to the rematch, with Team Flair vs. Abyss, Jarrett, Terry, and a mystery man.

RVD vs. Hardy TONIGHT!

Stupid commercial inset: Jeff Hardy!

TNA World Tag Team Champions Matt Morgan asks Shannon Moore to defend the tag titles with him next week, referring to himself in plural form the whole time.  Moore says he has an X Division Title shot next week, so Morgan can “kiss [his] tattooed ass.”

Tenay and Taz wonder who the mystery man is going to be.

Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff talk about the double cross they pulled on Flair last night and the matches they’ve booked tonight.  Hogan asks if “he” is for sure going to be there tonight.  Bischoff assures Hogan that “he” will be there.  Hogan asks Bischoff about his supposed rankings system.  Bischoff sends Miss Tessmacher’s ass to go get some files for him.  Bischoff says “she takes great dictation.”  I bet she does…

RVD is walking backstage.  This is shot in shitty documentary style.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contender Match: Jeff Hardy vs. Rob Van Dam.  They shake hands, then start feeling each other out.  In a wrestling way, not a homoerotic way.  Well…  Nevermind.  They trade holds.  Hardy goes for a surprise Twist of Fate, but that shit’s not happening.  Match goes to commercial a minute in.  Fuck.  They show a random few seconds in the middle of the break.  I motherfucking hate when those motherfuckers do that shit.  RVD hits the MOTHERFUCKING GUARDRAIL LEG DROP!  They show RVD getting bumped into the barricade during the break.  RVD hits a slingshot apron leg drop.  Awesome.  I seem to pop for any unusual leg drop variation.  RVD hits a diving cross body for 2.  RVD’s head wound from Lockdown opens up again.  He’s BUSTED WIDE OPEN!  Hardy makes his comeback and gets some near falls.  Hardy catches RVD’s splits monkey flip move and does his weird leg drop to the legs pinning predicament move for 2.  Hardy goes up top.  RVD cuts him off, sets him up on the top rope, and hits his springboard kick.  Hardy takes a bump out of the ring.  RVD hits a twisting leg drop and a Rolling Thunder-style splash for 2.  RVD avoids Hardy’s corner dropkick and hits the split legged moonsault for 2.  They go at it some more.  Hardy hits his front suplex and goes up top.  RVD catches him with a kick.  Hardy fights RVD off the top and goes for the Swanton Bomb.  RVD avoids it and hits the Five Star Frog Splash for the pin in 13:30.  Really good match.

Christy Hemme is with RVD and Jeff Hardy.  They do commentary over clips of their match.  It’s funny.  They shake hands and hug.  RVD is ready for his title shot.

Abyss gives Jeff Jarrett and Rob Terry a pep talk.

They show Sting and Jarrett brawling last Monday.

Lethal Lockdown Rematch… Except that there’s no cage: Team Flair (Sting, Beer Money, & Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. Team Hogan (Abyss, Jeff Jarrett, TNA Global Champion “The Freak” Rob Terry, & Mystery Partner).  Sting and Jarrett are the first two entrants.  Commercials before the opening bell, then Sting and Jarrett are brawling in the crowd.  The referee says “Fuck it” and calls for the opening bell.  They brawl in the crowd and hit each other with chairs for the first 4 minutes, then finally make it to the ring.  Jarrett avoids the Stinger Splash and hits some awful looking punches and a clothesline.  Right after, they do a double clothesline spot.  Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) comes in for Team Flair and tags in.  Yeah, apparently it’s tag team rules.  Jarrett and Wolfe wrestle.  Wolfe goes for the Tower of London, but Jarrett counters and hits a backdrop suplex.  Rob Terry comes in for Team Hogan, tags in, and runs wild.  Orlando Jordan comes out in a bubble wrap vest to check out Terry.  Commercials.  Robert Roode and Abyss, who both entered during the break, go at it.  James Storm enters for Team Flair and kicks Abyss in the head, allowing Roode to hit a Blockbuster.  Beer Money double teams Abyss.  Wolfe and Jarrett tag in.  Jarrett fights off Wolfe and Roode until Storm kicks Jarrett in the gut.  Beer Money and Wolfe tripe team Jarrett, but Jarrett fights them all off.  SAMOA JOE enters for Team Hogan!  And the stupid face paint and pajama pants are gone!  Joe tags in and MURDER DEATH KILLS Team Flair.  Joe hits the Muscle Buster on Roode for the pin in 16:40.  JOE IS BACK!  He refuses to celebrate with his partners and leaves.  Apparently Joe was kidnapped by Weight Watchers and the Fashion Police.  Ric Flair comes out and starts to talk.  Commercials!

TNA has no fucking idea how to work their show around commercials.

During the break, Ric Flair challenged Abyss to a Ring vs. Ring match next week.  Abyss accepted.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: AJ Styles (c) vs. Rob Van Dam.  Styles throws his robe at RVD and jumps him to start the match.  Styles sends RVD out of the ring and wipes him out with a suicide dive.  Commercials!  Styles works over RVD.  They do the leapfrog, drop down, dropkick but with RVD tripping in the process, but they recovered nicely.  Styles works RVD’s leg.  RVD makes his comeback, monkey flips Styles across the ring, and hits the Rolling Thunder for 2.  Styles locks RVD in the figure-four leglock.  RVD gets a rope break.  Styles goes for it again, but RVD gets him with an inside cradle for 2.  Styles hits the Pele kick and goes for the Styles Clash.  RVD backdrops him to the apron.  Styles goes for a springboard rana, but RVD powerbombs him and hits the Five Star Frog Splash for the pin in 10:33 to WIN THE TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!  Pretty good match.  Confetti falls.  Jeff Hardy comes out to raise RVD’s hand.  Hulk Hogan, Dixie Carter, Abyss, Team 3D, Rob Terry, Jeff Jarrett, and Eric Bischoff come out to join in the celebration.  Hogan presents RVD with the belt.  3D raises RVD up on their shoulders.  Styles looks on, very upset.  Great feel good moment.

This was a really good TV show by TNA standards, and MUCH better than the horrible Raw we suffered through this week.  They still need to work on pacing their show better so the commercial breaks aren’t at such retarded fucking times.

TNA iMPACT! 3/29/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 3, 2010 by Grappleholic

“Last week…” video with Mick Foley losing to Jeff Jarrett in a match set up by a vindictive Eric Bischoff and being fired.

“V For Vigilant.”

Jeff Jarrett and Hulk Hogan talk.  Hogan apologizes for Bischoff and gives Jarrett a match with AJ Styles tonight where Jarrett will be #1 Contender after Lockdown if he wins.  Jay Lethal comes in and does his Randy Savage bit with Hogan.  Hogan does a Savage impersonation of his own.  The Mega Powers 2.0!  Hogan is leaving for New Year for unknown reasons.  I assume it’s because he doesn’t want to watch this show.

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Tonight, there’s a women’s First Blood match.  Gross.  Plus some other matches.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

The Band comes out with Bubba the worthless fuck who needs to fuck off and fucking die Love Sponge.  Crowd chants “FIRE BUBBA!”  For once I agree with these mutants.  The Band is wearing Bubba Army shirts.  Bubba cuts a pseudo shoot promo on the fans.  He says he doesn’t need this job.  I wish to God he would leave, then.  Crowd chants “THANK YOU FOLEY!” since he KTFO’d Bubba last week.  Kevin Nash calls for Eric Young to come out.  Nash says he and Young are friends, and invited Young to join the Band.  Nash says the six-man isn’t going to happen because Jeff Hardy and RVD aren’t in their league.  Crowd chants “DON’T SELL OUT!”  Young attacks the Band and gets his ass kicked.  Nash tells him he made a big mistake.  Jeff Hardy and Rob Van Dam come out and run the heels off.  Hardy says the match tonight will be the main event, and “in honor of Lockdown,” it will be a Steel Cage Match.  Hardy horribly sings his horrible entrance them.

TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams & Brian Kendrick vs. Kazarian & Shannon Moore.  More attacks Williams to start.  Hit him with another brick, Doug!  Kazarian tags in and dropkicks Williams for 2, then hits his slingshot legdrop for 2.  Kendrick tags in and gets arm dragged.  The heels get heat on Kazarian.  Moore gets the hot tag and runs wild.  Fuck him.  Moore hits a diving rana on Williams, but Kendrick saves.  Kendrick eats a spin kick from Moore, then gets German suplexed by Kendrick.  Moore hits a Blockbuster on Kendrick for the pin in 4:30.  A guy I hate wins with a move ripped off from another guy I hate.  Moore puts makeup on Kendrick.  Whatever.

Eric Bischoff talks to Hulk Hogan in the phone, then calls in his new hot chick, Miss Tessmacher (the former Brooke Adams).  Jay Lethal comes in with a booking sheet featuring a bunch of 80s guys.  Funny.  Bischoff tells him to think of something for the main event, then sends Brooke to find Beer Money.

Matches tonight!  The Pope is NEXT!

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero comes out and cuts a promo about AJ Styles, Ric Flair, the match at Lockdown.  Chelsea comes out asks Pope to make her a ho.  Crowd chants “WE’VE GOT MONEY!”  They do some more sexual innuendos.  Desmond Wolfe sneaks in and tries to jump Pope from behind, but Pope was ready and kicks his ass.  Pope kisses Chelsea, then stuffs money in her top.

The Knockouts Champion Tara is headed our way!

A weird, grainy video of Samoa Joe, who hasn’t been seen in weeks after being kidnapped, plays.

Tenay and Taz don’t make a big deal out of it, they just re-hype the matches.

Orlando Jordan, covered in yellow “TNA Cross The Line” type, is lowered to the ring.  He goes to a weird little set to join his bisexual lovers.  … the fuck?

Jeremy Borash interviews Tara.  Danney jumps her.  They awkwardly brawl backstage.  Commercials.

First Blood Match for the TNA Knockouts Championship: Tara (c) vs. Daffney.  They brawl onto the stage from the back and the match officially starts.  They brawl all over and throw each other into the things.  It sucks.  They finally make it to the ring.  It still sucks.  Daffney tries to use a broken broomstick as a spike.  Tara fight it off and hits the Widow’s Peak.  Tara hits Daffney with a toolbox to give Daffney a cut a band-aid could have taken care of to win this abortion at 3:26.  Daffney likes bleeding.  Gross

AJ Styles is on his way, with Ric Flair and Chelsea.

Same video from the beginning of the show.

Jeff Jarrett has his music and pyro back!

Non-Title: Jeff Jarrett vs. TNA World Heavyweight Champion AJ Styles (w/ Ric Flair & Chelsea).  There’s the sound of a girl SCREAMING during AJ’s entrance.  I want to find that girl and strangle her.  Now it sounds like several girls screaming.  They lock up and the regular mutants do their chants.  Styles does a nice arm drag.  They trade hammer locks.  Styles counters Jarrett and hip tosses him.  Styles is awful cocky now.  He does a half assed Flair strut.  I WANT TO FUCKING KILL THESE FUCKING GIRLS THAT KEEP FUCKING SCREAMING.  Jarrett fights back and hits an inverted atomic drop, then clotheslines Styles out of the ring and does the Jarrett strut.  Jarrett beats up Flair on the outside.  Styles goes back on the offensive back inside.  Jarrett avoids a corner splash and rocks Styles with an enzuigiri for 2.  Styles catches Jarrett with a shin breaker and applies the figure-four leglock.  Flair lets Styles grab his cane for leverage.  The ref admonishes him.  Jarrett puts Styles in the figure-four.  Styles immediately reverses it.  Jarrett gets a rope break.  Flair does stuff again and referee Brian Hebner sends Flair and Chelsea to the back.  Jarrett decks Styles on the ramp and throws him back in the ring.  Insta-commercials.  Styles works a rear chin lock.  During the break, Styles kicked Jarrett in the balls, then hit a nice dive to the outside.  Jarrett attempts a sunset flip, but Styles cuts him off and hits a BIG knee drop.  Styles goes back to his rear chin lock.  Jarrett fights out and makes a comeback.  Jarrett hits a backdrop suplex and a Pedigree, of all things, for 2.  Jarrett goes for a diving double axe handle, but Styles catches him and suplexes him down.  Styles hits the springboard forearm for 2.  Styles goes for the Styles Clash, but Jarrett counters and hits an Alabama Slam.  Chelsea and Flair come back out.  The referee yells at Flair on the apron, then gets bumped to the floor.  Jarrett sends Styles into the turnbuckles and hits the Stroke off the middle rope.  Cover, but the referee is dead.  Eric Bischoff comes in with a guitar and tries to hit Jarrett.  Jarrett catches him and takes the guitar.  Bischoff begs off.  Styles hits Jarrett in the balls and hits the Styles Clash.  Styles got a nasty cut on his hand somehow.  Bischoff throws the referee back in to make the 3 count (12:59 shown).  Looks like Styles cut his hand of Jarrett’s guitar when he did the low blow.  Really good match.

JB interviews Eric Young, RVD, and Jeff Hardy.  The cage match is still to come!

Jay Lethal references more 80s guys.  He tells Bischoff he wants to book Brutus Beefcake vs. Rick Martel in the main event.  Heh.  Bischoff tells Lethal he’s in the main event, and to head to the ring.  I thought the cage match was the main event.  Apparently not.  Apparently it’s Jay Lethal’s match RIGHT MEOW!

Handicap Match: Jay Lethal vs. Beer Money.  Beer Money destroy Lethal.  Double suplex.  BEER!  MONEY!  Lethal tries to make a comeback, but gets shut down.  Storm turns his back to drink his beer.  Lethal pins Roode with an inside cradle in 2:15, then drinks Storm’s beer.  Bischoff is not pleased!

The cage match is still to come!  Next, Desmond Wolfe takes on The Pope!

Tenay and Taz talk about Hernandez getting killed by Matt Morgan last week.  Morgan will answer for his actions next week.

Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  Wolfe jumps Pope and takes him down with a collar hold.  Pope escapes and grabs a hammer lock.  Wolfe backs him into the ropes and elbows him in the face.  Wolfe busts out an Indian Death Lock.  Pope reverses it, forced Wolfe to get a rope break.  That move works that way, too?  Wolfe beats up Pope a bit.  Pope fights back.  Pope hits his Vader Bomb-style elbow drop.  Chelsea gets on the apron as Pope sets up his finish.  Wolfe pulls a chain out of his trunks and punches Pope with it for the pin in 6:20.  Good little match, as usual between these two.  Wolfe says “What Chelsea wants, Chelsea gets.”

The Cage is NEXT!

They lied.  Kurt Angle comes out.  He gets in the cage and cuts a promo on Mr. Anderson.  Anderson comes out to the stage and cuts a promo on Angle.  Anderson informs Angle that, per Eric Bischoff, they’ll have a Ladder Match next week.  The prize will be the key to the cage door at Lockdown.  Whatever.  I like the matches, but this feud has been stupid.  Anderson says Kurt is a nice guy, but nice guys finish last.  Anderson says “Thank God I’m an asshole… asshole.”  It’s bleeped both times.  Again, whatever.

The Band comes out as Angle leaves.  Angle and Nash give each other the old Main Event Mafia hand sign.  Yay for continuity!  The main event is next FOR REALS THIS TIME!

Steel Cage Match: The Band vs. Jeff Hardy, Rob Van Dam, & Eric Young.  Syxx-Pac slams the door into Young’s face before he can get in.  Everybody brawls in the ramp.  Syxx-Pac drops RVD with a spin kick.  Nash gets Hardy into the cage and the match starts.  Syxx-Pac locks the cage, making it a 3-on-2 since Young is still on the floor.  TNA’s new cage is neat.  It’s a big black chain link cage, but the walls go all the way to the floor.  Pac delivers the Bronco Buster to Hardy.  Hardy and RVD make a comeback.  Hardy counters a rana and powerbombs Waltman.  RVD hits the Rolling Thunder on Waltman, then Hardy hits his leg drop through the legs.  Hall hammers RVD in the corner.  Nash whips Hardy, who uses RVD as a springboard for the Poetry In Motion into Hall.  Young climbs to the top of the cage.  Waltman tries to stop him, but RVD knocks him off.  Hardy hits the Swanton Bomb on Nash and RVD hits the Five Star Frog Splash on Hall.  Young hits a diving elbow drop on Waltman for the pin in 3:59.  Whatever.  They celebrate.

Christy Hemme interviews Abyss, who reveals the next member of his team for Lockdown: Jeff Jarrett!  They cut a promo.

RVD, Hardy, and Young slap hands with fans.

Okay show.  There were a couple of really good matches in between a lot of crap I didn’t care about.