Archive for Miss Tessmacher

TNA iMPACT! 12/16/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 20, 2010 by Grappleholic

Video of recent happenings.

“Head Games?”

Earlier today, Ken Anderson was backstage.  He threw a light tantrum for no apparent reason.  Matt Morgan showed up to argue with him.

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Matt Morgan comes out to cut a promo about saving Mr. Anderson from getting boo boos.  Mr. Anderson comes out to retort.  They banter and doctors’ notes and Christopher Nowinski and such.  TNA World Heavyweight Champion Jeff Hardy comes out to make fun of them.  Swearing based insults fly.  Some of it is actually funny.  Heel Hardy is fucking horrible.

Tonight, another Double J Double M A Challenge!  Knockouts Tag tournament!  Morgan & Anderson vs. Hardy & Kazarian!

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

TNA X Division Championship Match: Robbie E. (c) (w/ Cookie) vs. Jay Lethal.  Lethal beats up the Shore tard.  Cookie trips Lethal from the outside.  Christy Hemme comes out and kicks her ass.  She handcuffs Cookie to her.  Insta-commercials.  Lethal gets an inside cradle for 2.  Robbie hits a clothesline for 2.  Robbie hits a drop movie thingy for 2.  Cookie screams a bunch.  Hemme punches her in the gut.  Robbie beats on Lethal.  Robbie applies a rear chin lock.  Lethal fights out.  They trade punches.  Lethal hits a suplex.  Lethal hits the Lethal Combination and the diving elbow drop for 2.  Cookie screams some more.  Robbie goes for the Flair pin in the corner, but the referee catches him.  Robbie goes up top.  Lethal cuts him off and hits a superplex.  Cookie tries to give Robbie the hair spray.  Hemme takes it away and sprays her with it.  Lethal hits the Lethal Injection for the pin (5:54 shown) to regain the title.  Thank God.  I hope they get rid of those Shore tards now.  Lethal kisses Christy.

Eric Bischoff and AJ Styles watch TV backstage.  Styles criticizes Robbie E. for losing the title.  Bischoff bitches at Styles for losing the TV title.  He tells Styles to get the title back.

Doug Williams talks to someone outside the building.  He encounters his old buddy Magnus.  Magnus says Chelsea is gone and Desmond will be back soon.  YAY!  Williams goes into a trailer, which apparently serves for a locker room in TNA.  AJ Styles jumps him and beats him up.  They fight into the womens’ section of the trailer and encounter Tara (in her bra) and Madison Rayne.  Styles hits Williams with a fire extinguisher.  Madison screams in her horrible voice.  Styles yells “Shut up, hooker!”  Okay, THAT was awesome.  Styles finally finishes beating the shit out of Williams.

Orlando Jordan finds Eric Young, who is wearing the World title belt they threw in the trash.  He has some bimbos with him.  Young seeks guidance from Brian Kendrick for his “first title defense.”

Tonight, Morgan & Anderson vs. Hardy & Kazarian.

Jeff Hardy talks to no one in particular.

Generation Me vs. Eric Young (w/ generic bimbos) & Orlando Jordan.  The girls are from Hooters, so Orlando Jordan comes out dressed like a Hooters girl.  Young decides the match is battle royal for his “title,” so he eliminates the referee.  The referee comes back in to start the match.  Young eliminates Generation Me and Jordan from the “battle royal.”  Generation Me jump Young, then posture for the bimbos.  Jordan comes back in and humps Max Buck.  Jeremy beats up Jordan for queering on his brother.  Bucks work over Jordan.  Jeremy goes outside to hit on the bimbos.  Max goes to straighten him out.  Young hits them both with a dive.  Back inside, Jordan tags himself in and beats up Max.  Jordan applies a neat submission hold (kind of a side Cobra Clutch) for the win in 2:50.  I have to admit, this was pretty funny.

Mickie James asks Eric Bischoff who her tag team partner is.  Bischoff says it’s Miss Tessmacher.  Really?

Madison Rayne and Tara are headed our way.

They show the Beautiful People beating Daffney & Sarita last week.

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship Tournament – Semifinal: TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne & Tara vs. Mickie James & Miss Tessmacher.  Madison wants to start with Tessmacher.  Tessmacher obliges.  She has huge… arm drags.  She hits some moves.  Madison beats her up.  Madison has on flesh colored panties under a see through skirt.  Madison works the hair, of course.  Madison does her headscissors hump move, then taunts Mickie.  Tessmacher gets a schoolgirl for 2.  Mickie gets the hot tag and runs wild.  Tara hits Mickie with her knee brace.  Madison pins Mickie in 4:31.  There you go.

Kazarian talks to no one backstage.  He runs into Rob Terry, who hasn’t been seen in months.  And he has a match tonight.  And Kazarian wants him to join Fortune.

Still to come, Morgan & Anderson vs. Hardy & Kazarian.

Some guy hands The Pope some money.

Brother Ray comes out and cuts a promo.  He says he’s going to face the biggest, baddest dude in the locker room…

Brother Ray vs. Amazing Red.  Bubba attacks Red with his large body and throws him around.  Ray beats the crap out of Red and heels it up.  Red fights back and hits a missile dropkick.  Red charges Ray in the corner and eats a big boot.  Ray hits the Bubba Bomb for the pin in 3:10.  This was kind of awesome for what it was.  Singles heel Bubba is great.  Ray tries to attack Red with a chair after the match.  Brother Devon comes out to make the save.  The cowardly Bubba runs away through the crowd.

Jeff Jarrett talks backstage.

The Pope gets in his car and leaves.  I don’t understand this angle.

The Hooters bimbos are in the front row now.

Rob Terry vs. Rob Van Dam.  RVD takes the mic before the match and talks about wanting a title shot.  They fuck around a bit, then RVD starts throwing punches.  RVD hits a drop toe hold and tries to keep Terry on the ground.  Terry catches a cross body and hits the World’s Strongest Slam.  Terry beats up RVD.  RVD hits the rebound kick.  Terry hits a spear.  Insta-commercials.  RVD takes a bump off the apron into the guardrail.  Back inside, Terry covers for 2.  Terry hits a backbreaker and a body slam for 2.  Terry applies a bear hug.  RVD fights out and kicks Terry in the head.  RVD hits a spin kick and the diving kick, then the Rolling Thunder.  RVD hits the Five Star Frog Splash for the pin (5:01 shown).  Not a bad little match.

Tonight, Double J Double M A Challenge!

Jeff Jarrett hype video.

Tonight, Morgan & Anderson vs. Hardy & Kazarian!  Jeff Jarrett’s thing is next!

Jeff Jarrett comes out to his music, but does Kurt Angle’s entrance.  Gunner, Murphy, and a bunch of geeks come out with him.  He has a cut man now!  They do the same shit as last weekend and pick a skinny Puerto Rican named Jose Rios.  Jarrett asks who his favorite wrestler is.  He says “Mickie James!”  Jarrett pie faces him.

$100,000 MMA Challenge: Jeff Jarrett (w/ Gunner, Murphy, & geeks) vs. Jose Rios.  The kid tries to clinch.  Jarrett gives him a bunch of knee lifts and some punches, then applies a rear naked choke for the win in 52 seconds.  Yeah.

The main event is next.

TNA World Heavyweight Champion Jeff Hardy & Kazarian vs. Matt Morgan & Ken Anderson.  Hardy flips of Anderson.  They blur it out.  Hardy tags in Kazarian.  Kazarian stumbles around like a retard, which somehow is insulting to Anderson for having a concussion.  Anderson beats him up.  Kazarian lands an enzuigiri for 2.  Anderson beats him up some more.  Kazarian falls on Anderson and the bump heads.  Morgan tags in and kicks Kazarian’s ass.  Anderson is selling being concussed.  Morgan hits the revolving elbows in the corner.  The bad guys get the advantage via heel trickery and get the heat on Morgan.  Kazarian cheap shots Anderson and sends him outside.  Anderson comes back in to save Morgan from being double suplexed.  Kazarian sends Anderson into the ref.  Anderson hits the Lambeau Leap on Kazarian.  Morgan hits Kazarian with a leg drop.  Hardy beats up Anderson.  Morgan hits Hardy with the discus lariat.  Anderson goes up top.  Rob Terry comes out and pushes him off.  Anderson crotches himself on the top rope and falls to the floor.  Terry pulls Morgan’s head across the top rope.  Hardy hits the Twist of Fate on Morgan for the pin in 6:33.  Fine match.

At least this show wasn’t as bad as Raw was this week.

TNA iMPACT! 10/21/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 26, 2010 by Grappleholic

“Last week on iMPACT!…” video.

“Rob Van Damned!!!”

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Ken Anderson comes out with his arm in a sling.  He calls out Jeff Hardy.  Rob Van Dam comes out instead and tells Anderson to wait in line, because he wants Hardy.  Jeff Hardy appears on the screen and cuts another retarded promo with stupid camera effects.  Eric Bischoff comes out.  He says that he’s going to explain this whole stupid angle on Reaction.  He books Anderson vs. Kazarian in an Ultimate X Match tonight, and Anderson gets a title shot of he wins.  He also books RVD & Sabu vs. Beer Money, and implies that there is someone in EV2.0 who wants to join Immortal.  At least that’s a better name than Team Hogan.

iMPACT! open.

Tonight, Sarita vs. Mickie James!  Beer Money vs. RVD & Sabu!  Anderson vs. Kazarian in an Ultimate X Match!

Stupid Robbie E. and Cookie outside of the venue interview.  Commercials.

D’Lo Brown tries to calm down RVD as he barges into the EZV2.0 locker room.  He accuses Stevie Richards, Sabu, and Tommy Dreamer of being moles.  Raven says something, so RVD chokes him.  Dreamer, Richards, Sabu, Rhino, and Brown pull them apart.

Last week, TNA pissed away $15,000 bringing in some Jersey Shore bimbo that nobody’s ever heard of to get into a cat fight with Becky Bayless.  They’re so proud, they’re showing it again.  They show more of the retarded interview from earlier.  I hate this shit.

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Amazing Red vs. Robbie E. (w/ Cookie).  They show that motherfucking JWoww segment AGAIN before the match.  Robbie beats up Red.  Red fights back and hits a flying headscissors.  Red lands an enzuigiri for 2.  Robbie counters a diving cross body, dances like a tard, and hits an Ace Crusher for the pin in 1:40.  Ugh.  Robbie says he wants the X Division.  Crowd chants “BORING.”  Cookie says the same fucking catchphrase she says every week.  Is this gimmick supposed to suck?  If it does, then bravo, TNA.

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero cuts a promo at a strip club.  He wants to fight AJ Styles, but first he wants to watch this chick shake her ass in his face.  Commercials.

They show Mick Foley at a book signing.  Brian Kendrick asks confusing literary questions.

Fortune chat amongst themselves backstage.  Flair gets iced.  Again.  Bischoff comes in and tells them that Fortune is banned from interfering in Styles’ street fight against Pope.  If they do, Pope will win the title by DQ.  In a fucking street fight.

The Beautiful People put makeup on.  Just like they do every fucking time we see them.  Miss Tessmacher comes in and asks them to teach her how to wrestle.  Why doesn’t she ask someone who actually knows how to wrestle?  They blow her off.  Velvet and Lacey leave.  Katie Lea Burchill appears behind Angelina.  Her name is Winter now.  Velvet and Lacey come back.  Winter has disappeared.  So they’re doing the invisible person gimmick again.  Commercials.

Street Fight for the TNA World Television Championship: AJ Styles (c) vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  Pope’s money doesn’t tall down during his entrance.  Tenay and Taz blame Immortal.  They show Pope getting beaten by Fortune last week.  It appears I was mistaken.  Styles challenges Pope to fight him on the stage, so they fight on the stage and down to ringside.  Pope catapults Styles into the post.  Pope chokes Styles with his fist tape.  They make it into the ring.  Styles kicks Pope in the balls.  Styles beats up Pope.  Pope fights back.  Styles rakes his eyes.  Pope throws a punch and Styles flinches.  Pope nails him with another punch for 2.  Styles sends Pope outside.  Pope avoids a dive and hits a clothesline.  Pope takes Styles back into the ring.  Abyss appears and attacks Pope.  Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam.  Styles slaps Abyss on the ass, then pins Pope in 5:56.  Retarded shit.  Bischoff and Fortune come out.  Bischoff asks mad, then gives a thumbs up.  I reiterate: retarded shit.

Earlier tonight, Sarita cut a promo in what looks like a classroom.

The Pope bumps into Samoa Joe backstage.  They have words.  Pope wants them to fight together.  Joe isn’t going to fall into that trap again.  At least until next week or so.

Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair are in the office.  Bischoff was on the phone with Hogan.  He hangs up, then they watch TV.

Tenay and Taz talk.

Team 3D video.  I fast forward.

The Motor City Machine Guns throw a football around while Velvet Sky stands around.  Generation Me show up and take their football.  The Guns deck them.  Sabin doesn’t answer the annoying guy who asks if they’ll accept 3D’s challenge.

Jeff Jarrett bitches about Kurt Angle.  Joe cuts a cool promo on Jarrett.

Jeff Jarrett is headed our way!  He says he’ll apologize to Kurt Angle NEXT!  Commercials.

Jeff Jarrett comes out to the ring.  Crowd chants “YOU SOLD OUT!”  He apologizes to Kurt Angle… for not beating him up more!  SWERVE~!  He goes on this his promo until Samoa Joe comes out.  Gunner and Murphy jump Joe in the aisle.  They handcuff him so Jarrett can beat the shit out of him like they did to Angle last week.  Joe locks Jarrett in the choke despite being handcuffed.  Gunner and Murphy break it.  Jarrett throws Joe off the ramp.  Tenay yells at Jarrett.  I hope this leads to Jarrett replacing the announcers.  Jarrett looks down at Joe, who fell 8 or so feet.  Commercials.

House shows!

Moments ago, ^^ happened.

Beer Money vs. Rob Van Dam & Sabu.  RVD and Storm lock up.  Storm grabs a side headlock.  They counter each others’ hip toss attempts.  RVD knees Storm in the face.  Sabu tags in.  They hit the Whisper In The Wind on Storm.  RVD drops Storm with a kick.  Sabu covers for 2.  Roode tags in and brawls with Sabu.  Sabu hits the shittiest clotheslines this side of Jeff Hardy while Tenay and Taz bicker.  Beer Money get the heat on Sabu.  Sabu comes back and hits Storm with a springboard tornado DDT.  RVD and Roode tag in.  RVD wins wild.  He backdrops Sabu into a moonsault on Roode, then hits another standing moonsault for 2.  They hit a Rolling Thunder/splash combo.  Storm saves.  Sabu takes him outside.  Roode hits the spinebuster on RVD for 2.  Beer Money go for the DWI, but RVD escapes.  Storm accidentally spits beer at Roode.  RVD schoolboys him for 2.  Sabu brings in a chair and accidentally hits RVD with it.  Roode pins RVD in 5:25.  Okayish I guess.  Neither RVD or Sabu looked good here.  RVD is pissed.  Sabu tries to explain himself.  They tease fighting and lock up.  EV2.0 come out to break it up.

Earlier today, Mickie James cut a promo atop a mechanical bull.  Commercials.

Random note: Kurt Angle is featured in the Turning Point commercial despite being “gone from TNA forever.”

Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair gives Kazarian a pep talk.

Sarita vs. Mickie James.  Mickie’s new ring gear is daisy dukes, a cut off flannel shirt, and cowboy boots.  She’s still hot.  They wrestle a bit.  Mickie lands a dropkick for 2.  Sarita avoids a reverse cradle and throws Mickie down, then dances.  Mickie avoids a diving cross body and dropkicks Sarita out of the ring.  Mickie hits a baseball slide headscissors.  Sarita sends her into the steps.  Back inside, cover gets 2.  Sarita beats up Mickie.  Sarita does a wacky backbreaker.  Mickie turns it into a cradle for 2.  Mickie makes her comeback with sloppy strikes.  Mickie hits a rana and a diving Thesz press.  Mickie hits the spin kick for the pin in 4:19.  Meh.  Tara appears and jumps Mickie from behind.  Tara gives Mickie the Widow’s Peak.

Ken Anderson cuts a promo backstage.  Commercials.

Mickie James is annoyed by a camera man as she walks to the office, which is apparently outside the building.

Fortune jump Mr. Anderson backstage and drag him into the arena.  Well, sound stage.  They beat him up and leave.  Kazarian comes out for the match.

Ultimate X Match: Kazarian vs. Ken Anderson.  Kazarian orders the referee to ring the bell.  He goes for the X as Anderson crawls down the ramp.  Anderson makes it to the ring just in time to pull Kazarian down.  Anderson beats up Kazarian with one arm.  Kazarian takes Anderson outside.  Commercials.  Kazarian goes for the X.  Anderson swings him back and forth until he falls down.  Anderson tries to climb one arm, fails, beats up Kazarian, then gets beaten up himself.  Kazarian hits a hammerlock slam and a leg drop.  Anderson hits a jawbreaker and tries to fight back, but Kazarian pulls his head across the top rope.  Kazarian goes for the X.  Anderson pulls him down and hits the Mic Check.  Anderson brings in a ladder, which has always been illegal in Ultimate X.  Fortune come out to stop him from getting the X.  Morgan hits a sit-out powerbomb.  Morgan lifts Kazarian up on his shoulders so Kazarian can take down the X to win it in 9:43.  Lame.  Anderson attacks Fortune with a lead pipe.  TNA World Heavyweight Champion Jeff Hardy appears and hits Anderson in the back of the head with a chair.  Hardy sandwiches Anderson’s injured arm with the ladder and hits it with the chair.

Ric Flair and Eric Bischoff leave togethee.  Kurt Angle appears in front of the car with a pipe or something, throws out the driver, then busts the back glass with his pipe.  Gunner and Murphy show up and run him off.  End.

Horrible show.  Look, I understand that mentally retarded people should be given job opportunities, but have Russo work in catering and bring you coffee.  Don’t have him write your TV show.

TNA iMPACT! 10/14/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 16, 2010 by Grappleholic

They show the Bound For Glory screwjob.

“They Have Arrived!!!”

Eric Bischoff chats with Dixie Carter’s lawyer.  Something about the contract Bischoff tricked Dixie into signing last week.

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff come out.  Tenay explains for the first time ever that with the aforementioned contract, Hogan and Bischoff now have a majority share of TNA.  Except that he explained it like everyone knows it already.  The mutants are still chanting for Hogan, but they boo Bischoff.  Hogan cuts a promo.  Bischoff cuts a promo.  Sorry, I always zone out during these long, boring promos.  Bischoff explains the master plan and introduces the various pieces of the puzzle.  Abyss comes out first.  Hogan says some bizarre shit about how Abyss is immortal now.  Jeff Jarrett is next.  He blames Dixie Carter for taking over the company that he was gleefully running into the ground before Panda Energy came along and saved their asses.  Fortune come out.  Flair says they run the company.  Flair and Hogan tease that they’re going to fight, but then they hug.  SWERVE~!  Everybody in the ring hugs and makes friends.  Flair cuts a promo about how much he loves Hogan.  That’s just bizarre.  Bischoff brings out the NEW TNA World Heavyweight Champion, Jeff Hardy.  Hardy gets “YOU SOLD OUT!” chants.  Hardy says he sold in.  He blames years of being a fan favorite for his heel turn.  He talks shit about RVD, then says they’re all immortal.  Sting and Kevin Nash are shown watching backstage.  Bischoff calls them out.  Hogan asks them to join the group.  Sting and Nash get up from their chairs.  Commercials!

Dixie Carter arrives flanked by Gunner, Murphy, and her husband.

Sting and Kevin Nash come out to the ring.  All of the heels are still there.  NOW Tenay is all upset that nobody listened to Sting and Nash when he was the one talking shit about them as recently as last week.  Bischoff invites them to join the team.  Nash says the group is a perfect fit for him because he’s always been all about money, but now he’s older and wiser.  He now has compassion for the boys in the back.  This is like bizarro land.  Nash says he doesn’t want anything to do with them.  Sting says he didn’t come to TNA for this, he came because he loved TNA.  He says he’s not going to repeat history again.  The answer is no.  Sting and Nash leave.  Bischoff bitches at them.  Thus shit took 32 minutes.

Tenay and Taz talk.

The Pope ask Sting and Kevin Nash WTF?  Nash invites Pope to leave with them.  So they’re just leaving?  Pope says he’ll continue to fight the good fight by himself.  Poor Pope.  Dixie Carter shows up and asks Sting and Nash WTF?  Sting says she should have listened to them.  You can barely hear any of this.  Hogan and Bischoff show up to bother her.  Dixie slaps the shit out of Bischoff and bitches at Hogan.  Hogan says he’ll talk to her in his office.  Of course.  Ugh.  Commercials.

Hogan, Bischoff, and Dixie are in the office.  Dixie wants Hogan to tell her straight up that he screwed her out of the company.  He does.  They bicker back and forth while Bischoff cheezes in the background.  Dixie calls him a smug shit.  She tells Gunner and Murphy to take out Hogan and Bischoff.  Hogan says they work for him and orders them to get Dixie out of there.  They do.  Surge tries to help and gets KTFO’d with one punch.  Commercials.  41 minutes and no wrestling.

Some chick shows up in a BMW.

Taz and Tenay talk.  They explain that the aforementioned chick is JWoww from Jersey Shore.  What kind of name is that?

Madison Rayne comes out with a referee.  She bitches about Tara winning the title instead of her at the PPV.  She demands that Tara comes out and gives her a title match.  Tara comes out.  Madison reminds her that she let Tara come back to TNA.  Tara should punish her for such a horrible fate.  She tells Tara to “do the right thing.”

TNA Knockouts Championship Match: Tara (c) vs. Madison Rayne.  Rayne orders Tara to lay down.  Tara does.  Rayne pins her to win the title in 21 seconds.  Rayne celebrates like she actually accomplished something.  Mickie James comes out to be angry about this farce.  She hits the ring.  Rayne hides behind Tara.  James and Tara fight.  James kicks Tara out of the ring.  Rayne runs away.  Mickie poses with the belt.  Stupid crap.

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

The Beautiful People get their makeup done.  JWoww comes in.  They all make friends.  They talk about cookies or something.  Commercials.

The Beautiful People and JWoww wonder around looking for cookies.  They find Eric Young instead.  He asks for JWoww’s autograph on his pecs, then asks if he’s a gorilla.  Orlando Jordan shows up and offers her a lollipop.  Stupid shit.

Kurt Angle comes out with no music, selling his injured ribs.  He cuts a promo about how beat up he is.  He wants to know why he got screwed.  He said he’d retire if he lost, but he didn’t actually get pinned, so he has a dilemma.  Jeff Jarrett comes out to the stage.  He says that Angle didn’t win the title like he said he would, so he should leave.  He says Angle made his life hell when he came into TNA.  I have no memory of that.  They make cryptic mention of the fact that Jarrett ended up with Angle’s ex-wife.  They banter.  Jarrett says he sold out to take Angle’s career.  Angle goes after Jarrett, but gets jumped by Gunner and Murphy.  They handcuff Angle while Jarrett stomps the shit out of him.  Angle spits on Jarrett.  Jarrett beats the shit out of him some more.  Jarrett injures Angle’s neck.  Taz comes down from the table and makes Jarrett back down.  Yes, Jarrett and two tough guys bitched down to a long retired announcer.  Commercials.

1 hour, 9 minutes in and the closest thing we’ve had to wrestling was a 21 second farce of a match.

Moments ago, ^^ happened.

On Monday in Daytona Beach, Samoa Joe walked along the beach while cutting a promo on Jeff Jarrett.

An hour and 15 minutes in, we’re FINALLY going to get a match!

Abyss vs. Samoa Joe.  Joe is good and pissed off.  He kicks Abyss’ ass.  Abyss gets the jump on him when he turns to threaten the referee.  Joe easily rallies and kicks Abyss’ ass some more.  Joe lands a big kick and a senton splash.  Abyss hits a chokeslam.  Abyss goes outside to get a chair.  Joe hits him with a tope suicida into the chair.  Not sure who got the worst of that.  Abyss clocks Joe with the ring bell to get DQ’d in 2:16.  Joe is BUSTED WIDE OPEN!  Abyss beats on him some more back in the ring.  Rob Van Dam comes out.  Abyss retreats.  The match was nothing.  Two minutes of okay, then a fuck finish.  Joe is pissed off.

Rob Van Dam calls out Jeff Hardy.  Hardy appears on the screen and cuts a nonsensical promo.  Eric Bischoff comes out.  I’ve seen enough of him tonight for 7 lifetimes.  He books RVD vs. Mr. Anderson for tonight in a #1 Contender Match.  RVD is fine with this.  Commercials.

Eric Bischoff and Miss Tessmacher flirt backstage.  Bischoff bitches at her for whoring around.  Bischoff dumps her and says she has to wrestle if she wants to stay in TNA.  DAMMIT ERIC, WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST FIRE HER?  Ken Anderson shows up and calls him a douchebag while cranking on his wrist.

Handicap Match: “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero vs. TNA World Television Champion AJ Styles, Beer Money, Kazarian, & Doug Williams of Fortune (w/ Ric Flair & Matt Morgan).  It’s tag team rules.  Pope and Williams lock up.  Pope kicks his ass.  Williams lands a shoulder block.  Pope lands an elbow smash and the Dusty Rhodes elbows.  Kazarian tags in and gets back body dropped.  Pope hits a shoulder block.  Styles comes in and gets schooled too.  Pope slides out of the ring and decks Flair.  Morgan hits Pope with the Carbon Footprint.  Flair and Morgan stomp on Pope.  Back inside, Styles covers for 2.  Roode tags in and beats up Pope.  James tags in.  Ber Money hits the double suplex.  BEER!  MONEY!  James decks Pope.  Kazarian tags back in and hits a dropkick for 2.  Pope fights back and nails everyone on the apron.  Kazarian rakes his eyes.  Styles misses the springboard forearm and accidentally hits Kazarian with the Pele kick.  Pope schoolboys Kazarian for 2.  Beer Money hit the DWI on Pope.  Kazarian pins Pope in 3:32.  Fortune stomp on Pope some more after the match.  Whatever.

Robbie E. and Cookie are walking around backstage.  Fucking ugh.

The Beautiful People and JWoww are also backstage walking around.  Ugh again.  Commercials.

Robbie E. and Cookie come out to be obnoxious and make me want to change the channel.  But I’m a journalist, dammit!  Wait, no I’m not.  Why the fuck am I watching this shit?  They talk shit about that retarded Jersey Shore show.  The Beautiful People and JWoww come out.  Cookie talks shit and slaps JWoww.  CATFIGHT!  The BPs take out Robbie E.  I hate wrestling.  Commercials.

House shows!

Moments ago, ^^ that bullshit happened.

Recap of various shit that has happened tonight.

TNA World Heavyweight Title #1 Contender Match: Ken Anderson vs. Rob Van Dam.  Entrances, commercials, match starts.  At the top of the hour when the show is supposed to be over.  They trade punches.  RVD drops Anderson with a kick.  More slow brawling.  RVD hits the monkey flip out of the corner, then a spin kick for 2.  Anderson goes outside.  RVD hits sort of a moonsault kick off of the apron.  Impact ends.  I’m done.

Fucking awful show with practically no wrestling.  I fucking hate this company.

TNA iMPACT! 10/7/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 9, 2010 by Grappleholic

Abyss has kidnapped Dixie Carter.  He yells about wanting her to cry and being there when her children were born.  The fuck?  Nobody helps her, despite there being tons of people backstage where they’re walking.  That’s crack TNA security for you.  Abyss pulls her into the arena and yells at or near her.  He rambles about “they.”  NOBODY IS LIFTING A MOTHERFUCKING FINGER TO SAVE THE PRESIDENT OF THE COMPANY FROM A LUNATIC WITH A NAIL BOARD AND A BRANDING IRON.  Eric Bischoff finally finishes getting blown by Brooke Adams backstage and comes out.  Bischoff, Gunner, Murphy, Terry Taylor, Pat Kenney, Al Snow, and D’Lo Brown finally show up after their boss has been in danger for 5 minutes.  Bischoff convinces Abyss to unlock Dixie from the handcuffs.  Bischoff yells “CUT!”  Bischoff gets in the ring as Sting, Kevin Nash, and “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero come out.  Commercials.

Eric Bischoff, The Pope, Sting, and Kevin Nash are all in the ring.  Bischoff and Pope discuss amongst themselves this retarded, convoluted storyline that nobody understands.  Sting wants Hogan in the ring.  So he can expose him.  Or something.  Samoa Joe and Jeff Jarrett come out.  Bischoff tells them to stand down.  He talks about Hogan being crippled.  They show video of Hulk Hogan in the hospital, because he is in fact old and crippled.  I hate this fucking company.  LIVE TV AND THEY’RE FUCKING SHOWING FUCKING VIDEO OF THAT PIECE OF SHIT IN THE FUCKING HOSPITAL.  Bischoff challenges them to kick his ass.  DO IT!  He books Sting, Nash, & Pope against Jarrett & Joe in a Handicap Match at Bound For Glory.  That’s stupid.

Mickie James shows up.  I’m so pissed at that stupid segment that I don’t even care.

Tonight, a battle royal.

A match for a name and some music is next.  Commercials.

Angle/Hardy/Anderson hype video.

Team 3D (FUCK!  I thought they were gone) are in New York City.  They promise a big announcement at Bound For Glory.  Hopefully it’s that they’re retiring.

For the Rights to the Beautiful People Name: Madison Rayne & Tara vs. TNA Knockouts Champion Angelina Love & Velvet Sky.  Rayne and Tara jump Love and Sky.  Nobody bothers to ring a fucking bell because they hate wrestling and me.  They get the heat on Angelina.  Velvet tags in and runs wild.  Rayne knees Velvet from the apron, so they get heat on her too.  Miss Tessmacher comes out to take notes.  These are NOT the women you want to learn about wrestling from, Brooke.  Love tags in and runs wild.  Velvet and Love hit stereo leg kicks on Tara.  Love pins Tara in about 3 minutes.  Fucking garbage.  Tessmacher says there’s a special guest referee for their 4-way title match at Bound For Glory.  It’s Mickie James.  Mickie cuts a shitty promo about how she’ll beat whoever wins at BFG for the title.

Mick Foley was in Boston plugging his book and cutting a promo on Ric Flair.

Still to come, a battle royal.

Next, Flair vs. Foley.  Commercials.

Dixie Carter tells Eric Bischoff to fire Abyss.  She says he should have done it a long time ago.  That’s what she gets for expecting Bischoff to be competent or good at his job.  She wants him to fire Abyss in the ring and humiliate him.  That’s stupid.  Also, I’m pretty sure Bischoff and Hogan are “them.”

Last Man Standing Match: Ric Flair vs. Mick Foley.  They lock up.  In a gimmick grudge match.  Flair lands chops and punches.  Foley bleeds from a cut above his eye.  They brawl outside.  Foley hits Flair in the balls, throws him in the ring, and retrieves his barbed wire bat that was hidden under the steps.  Foley hits Flair with the bat and punches him.  Flair is bleeding.  Foley chases Flair to the broadcast table.  They end up on the stage.  Foley drives the barbed wire into Flair’s head.  Flair throws Foley off the stage through a table.  “HOLY SHIT!” chants are bleeped.  I thought Spike TV was television for men, not old ladies.  Commercials.  Flair beats  up Foley, having beaten him with his new book during the break.  Flair brings in thumbtacks.  Foley fights back.  Foley back body drops Flair onto the tacks.  Foley brings in a barbed wire board.  Foley pounds Flair down in the corner, then runs the barbed wire board into him.  They trade chops and punches.  Foley brings in a table.  The mutants chant “FIRE!”  Flair hits Foley in the balls, then puts him on the table and hits him with the barbed wire board.  Flair comes off the top rope and splashes Foley through the table.  They both try to get up.  Flair does the Flair flop into the tacks.  Foley wins in 13:25.  Flair and Foley had a great match.  This was NOT that match.  This was two old men having a TNA garbage match for the sake of having a TNA garbage match, and I expect better from both of them.  I hate this company.  Foley wants Flair to kiss his ass like he promised to last week.  Mutants chant “KISS HIS ASS!”  Fortune come in through the crowd and jump Foley.  EV2.0 come out and run them off.  Flair says Fortune will kick their asses Sunday.

Tenay and Tazz show off the blood on their table.

Eric Bischoff walks backstage.

Eric Bischoff walks to the ring.  They show the retarded bullshit from the beginning of the show again because they’re so proud of it.  He calls out Abyss.  Commercials.  Who is the retard who structures these fucking shows?

Eric Bischoff is still waiting on Abyss.  The wreckage from the Flair/Foley match is still in the ring because everybody is too busy being worthless to clean shit up.  Rob Van Dam comes out.  He’s “1010% sure” about what he’s saying.  He says Abyss stays through Bound For Glory or he quits.

Tommy Dreamer and Rhino were in Philadelphia at some point in the past.

A battle royal is going to happen later.  Commercials are going to happen right now.

House shows.

Orlando Jordan and Eric Young are shown at a fair or something.  There are homosexual overtones.  Why the fuck is Orlando Jordan back on my TV?

Ink Inc. vs. Eric Young & Orlando Jordan.  The gimmick is that since Young fell on his head a while back he’s retarded now.  He is dressed like Ink Inc. with kiddie drawings on his back and doesn’t know whose team he is on.  Neal beats up Jordan.  Good for him.  Jordan beats up Neal, then humps his face.  Moore tags in and runs wild.  Moore hits a moonsault body block on Jordan for 2.  Young comes in and high fives him.  Young helps Moore double team Jordan, then points it out to the ref when Jordan goes for a pin with his foot on the ropes.  Jordan hits Moore in the balls and gets the pin in 3:47.  Fucking garbage.  Young abuses the referee, says he’s the leader of the tag team, and forfeits the match they just won.  They talk about a rematch at the PPV.  I fucking hope not.

We tour Jay Lethal’s family home.

Jeff Hardy, Ken Anderson, and Kurt Angle are all in the battle royal, which is next.  Commercials.

Dixie Carter tells Rob Van Dam that Abyss as fired after Bound For Glory regardless of the result of their match.  Bischoff gives her the termination papers to sign.  She doesn’t read them.  Abyss will be saved when it is revealed that Hogan and Bischoff are “they.”  Dixie tells RVD to take out Abyss.

Robbie E. and Cookie come out.  They’re the Jersey Shore gimmick.  Cookie is Becky Bayless, and she’s super hot, so at least there’s that.  Robbie shoes off his abs.  Becky should show off her tits.  They cut a stupid, obnoxious promo.  I’m pretty sure Robbie E. is Zack Ryder’s twin brother.  Even the Impact Zone mutants hate this shit.  Retarded bullshit.

Bound For Glory hype video with various guys cutting promos.

$100,000 Gauntlet Battle Royal: #1 is Ken Anderson.  #2 is Kurt Angle.  They lock up.  Angle lands a shoulder block.  #3 is Jeff Hardy.  They’re doing entrants every 45 seconds.  They could have spaced it out more, but that Jersey Shore gimmick is so fucking important.  As soon as Hardy gets in the ring, #4 is TNA World Television Champion AJ Styles.  Commercials.  Doug Williams, Sabu, Max Buck, and TNA World Tag Team Champion Chris Sabin entered during the break.  #9 is Tommy Dreamer.  #10 is TNA X Division Champion Jay Lethal.  Everybody brawls.  #11 is Jeff Jarrett.  WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF HAVING A GAUNTLET MATCH IF YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE GUYS COME OUT EVERY 45 FUCKING SECONDS?  #12 is “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  #13 is Robert Roode.  Nobody gets eliminated.  #14 is Sting.  Still, nobody gets eliminated.  Commercials.  Jeremy Buck, Raven, and Stevie Richards entered during the break.  Abyss enters and eliminates Williams, Sabu, Lethal, Richards, Sabu, and Raven in short order.  Everybody jumps Abyss.  Abyss dumps Sting.  Kevin Nash enters next.  Nash beats on Abyss.  Nash didn’t even put on wrestling gear.  Matt Morgan enters next and drops Abyss with a clothesline.  Nash and Morgan have a big guy fight.  Samoa Joe is next.  Abyss eliminates Morgan and Nash.  James Storm enters.  Dreamer almost eliminates Abyss.  Angle and Generation Me try to finish Abyss.  Abyss eliminates Generation Me.  TNA World Tag Team Champion Alex Shelley is next.  Joe almost eliminates Hardy, who Taz calls Jarrett.  Kazarian gets eliminated.  I didn’t even know he had entered.  Rhino enters and goes after Abyss.  Styles and Dreamer try to eliminate each other.  Abyss eliminates Rhino.  Jarrett goes for the Stroke on Pope, but Abyss eliminates him.  Abyss eliminates Pope.  The show ends.  I’m going to finish the match on Reaction since I already taped it.  I hate myself for breaking my rule.  Abyss eliminates Shelley as Shelley goes for the Shiranui.  Abyss eliminates Joe.  Beer Money double suplex Dreamer, then Abyss.  BEER!  MONEY!  Roode tries to eliminate Storm.  Storm skins the cat back in.  Roode shoves Storm, then they hug.  Abyss eliminates Roode, then Storm.  Styles hits the Pele kick on Abyss.  Dreamer hits the Spiccoli Driver on Styles.  Abyss eliminates Dreamer.  Abyss press slams Styles out of the ring.  Hardy hits the Twist of Fate and the Swanton Bomb on Angle.  Abyss eliminates Hardy.  Anderson fights Abyss.  Abyss chokeslams.  Rob Van Dam comes out as the last participant, despite the fact that it’s been several minutes since an entrant.  I fucking hate this company.  RVD hits Abyss with a cross body that eliminates himself.  Abyss tumbles over the top rope too.  That was just dump luck and RVD is an idiot.  Angle and Anderson go at it.  They counter each others’ secondary move.  Angle eliminates Anderson with an Angle Slam out of the ring to win it in 26:32.  Angle celebrates with the money.

Fucking awful piece of shit show.  I fucking hate this company.  I don’t know why I put myself through this shit every week.

TNA iMPACT! 9/30/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2010 by Grappleholic

“Last week on iMPACT!…” video.

“Eliminating The Monster”

Kurt Angle talks on the phone, allegedly to Hulk Hogan, as he’s loaded onto his hydraulic stage thingy.

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Kurt Angle comes out to talk.  He say the Impact Zone misses Hogan.  Those mutants might, but I don’t.  He talks for a while and says he’ll take out Abyss tonight in a Steel Cage.  I won’t even get in to how stupid that is.  Abyss comes out through the crowd.  Angle meets him and they brawl.  They brawl moves backstage.  Abyss hits Angle with a ladder.  Angle hits Abyss with a chair.  They keep brawling.  D’Lo Brown, Pat Kenney, Al Snow, and security geeks break it up.

Abyss attacks Kurt Angle again.  Agents and security break them up again.

Lumberjack Match: Beer Money vs. Tommy Dreamer & Rhino.  AJ Styles, Kazarian, Doug Williams, Ric Flair, and Matt Morgan from Fortune and Sabu, Stevie Richards, Raven, Mick Foley, and Brian Kendrick from EV2.0 are Lumberjacks.  Dreamer and Rhino hit the ring and brawl with Beer Money.  It breaks down into a tag match with Rhino and Roode legal.  Roode bails to avoid the Gore and Sabu throws him back in.  Storm drops Rhino with a kick from the apron.  Beer Money beat up Rhino.  Beer Money hit the double suplex and do the BEER!  MONEY!  pose.  Storm throws Rhino outside to get beaten up by Fortune.  EV2.0 come over and Morgan throws Rhino back into the ring.  Rhino continues to play face in peril.  Rhino hits Roode with a belly to belly suplex and makes the hot tag to Dreamer.  Dreamer runs wild.  Dreamer and Storm counter each others’ moves.  Dreamer locks Storm in a crossface.  Roode saves.  Rhino clotheslines Roode to send them both out of the ring.  All of the lumberjacks brawl.  Styles spits something in Dreamer’s face.  Storm hits Dreamer with a Lung Blower for 2.  Lumberjacks continue to brawl.  Storm tries to use the beer bottle, but Dreamer catches him and hits the Spiccoli Driver for the pin in 5:34.  Sabu hits a dive on everybody.  Typical overbooked TNA shit.  Foley calls for everyone to stop fighting and for Flair to get into the ring.  Will it happen NEXT?

Mick Foley and Ric Flair are in the ring.  They talk back and forth for a while.  Foley challenges Flair to a match next week.  Flair beats up Foley’s new book.  Ric Flair is the only man alive who can do silly bullshit like that and have it work.  They each punch themselves in the face to make themselves bleed.  The talk some more.  Foley wants a Last Man Standing Match.  Flair agrees and says he’ll kiss Foley’s ass if he loses.

Backstage, Ken Anderson bitches at Eric Bischoff because Hulk Hogan didn’t call him.  I hate this show.

Tonight, Angle vs. Abyss.  Next, Generation Me vs. Ink Inc.

The Motor City Machine Guns are walking backstage!

Bound For Glory hype.

Ink Inc. vs. Generation Me.  GenMe come out with the TNA World Tag Team title belt they stole last week.  They show a video of said theft.  Moore and Jeremy start with some nice wrestling.  Moore gets the better of the exchange and hits a stupid leg drop around the legs for 2.  Neal and Max tag in.  Ink Inc. double team Max for 2.  Neal lands a dropkick for 2.  Neal avoids a moonsault body block.  Max feigns a knee injury.  Jeremy attacks Neal from behind.  Max comes back in and puts the boots to Neal.  Bucks work over Neal.  Neal ducks a shot and Max accidentally decks Jeremy.  Moore gets the hot tag and runs wild on Max.  Moore hits a spin kick, but Jeremy saves.  Moore hits the Bucks with a double Frankensteiner!  Moore hits a springboard moonsault body block on Max for 2.  All 4 brawl.  Neal accidentally spears the post.  Max kicks Moore in the balls and schoolboys him for the pin in 4:57.  Good little tag match.  The Bucks attack Ink Inc. again after the match.  They set up Neal for the DOUBLE DDT OF MURDER, but the Motor City Machine Guns come out and run them off.

Samoa Joe talks to no one backstage.

Anderson vs. Joe NEXT!

The Motor City Machine Guns yell at Generation Me, who are not present.

Ken Anderson vs. Samoa Joe.  “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero comes out to do commentary.  Sting, and Kevin Nash come out to stand behind him.  Joe powers Anderson to the corner and beats him up.  Anderson grabs a side headlock.  Joe gets out of it and kicks his ass some more.  Anderson fights back.  Joe beats him up again.  Joe hits the face wash in the corner to stop me from being bored with this match for the time being.  Cover gets 2.  Anderson makes his comeback and gets 2 off of a dropkick.  Joe locks in the Coquina Clutch.  Anderson escapes via a jawbreaker, then hits the Mic Check for the pin in 4:00.  Pretty boring match.  Nash carries Sting’s bat to ringside and calls for Joe to “join us!”

During the break, security got between Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash.

Kevin Nash, Sting, and The Pope are in the ring.  They talk about how they know what’s going on and how Bischoff and Hogan are dicks.  Sting was a six-man at Bound For Glory with Sting, Nash, & Pope vs. Hogan, Jarrett, & Joe.  Eric Bischoff and Miss Tessmacher come out.  Bischoff babbles for a while and says Hogan will be there next week.  Ugh.

TNA World Television Champion AJ Styles (w/ Ric Flair) yells at Brian Kendrick, who is not present.  He makes Flair chug a Smirnoff.  Again.

Tonight, Angle vs. Abyss in a Cage!

House shows!

They show Amazing Red beating Jay Lethal for the TNA X Division Championship last Thursday in New York City and Lethal regaining the title on Saturday in Rahway, New Jersey.

Miss Tessmacher tells Madison Rayne and Tara to behave or something.  The Beautiful People come in and bitch at them.  Tessmacher apparently has the power to fire them.  Rayne gives Tessmacher a waiver she signed that allows Tara to wrestle in TNA again.  SHE ALREADY WRESTLED A FUCKING MATCH.  YOU FUCKING MORONS.  I HATE THIS FUCKING COMPANY.  They make a 4-way match for the PPV.  I don’t care.  They all argue and leave.  Tessmacher gets a phone call and agrees to go fuck someone in 20 minutes.

TNA World Television Championship Match: AJ Styles (c) (w/ Ric Flair & Matt Morgan) vs. Brian Kendrick.  Flair rants at the commentary table as the match starts.  They lock up.  Kendrick backs Styles into the corner, breaks, and bows.  Styles attacks Kendrick and grounds him with a side headlock.  Styles avoids a dropkick.  Kendrick avoids Styles in the corner and lands his dropkick.  Kendrick reverses a waist lock and gets a reverse cradle for 2.  Styles hits a backdrop suplex.  Morgan chokes Kendrick behind the referee’s back.  Styles covers for 2.  Styles puts the boots to Kendrick.  Kendrick makes his comeback.  Styles cuts him off with an elbow smash.  Kendrick lands a dropkick and a spinning DDT, then goes up top and dives out of the ring onto Morgan.  Styles goes for a dive, but Kendrick catches him with a kick.  Kendrick goes up top again.  Flair distracts the ref and Morgan crotches Kendrick.  Styles hits the Styles Clash for the pin in 4:24.  Fine little TV match.  These two could have a hell of a match if they were given some time.

Abyss talks to Janice about Kurt Angle, then says he wants his match with RVD at Bound For Glory to be a Monster’s Ball Match.

Congrats to Richard G., who won a free trip to Bound For Glory!  The poor bastard.

Earlier today, Rob Van Dam was outside talking to nobody.

Hype for next week’s live iMPACT!: Before The Glory.

Steel Cage Match: Abyss vs. Kurt Angle.  Angle goes on the attack and kicks Abyss’ ass.  Abyss fights back and beats up Angle.  Angle fights back and beats up Abyss.  Isn’t this exciting?  Angle picks up Janice and throws it over the top of the cage.  Insta-commercials.  Abyss mows down Angle with a big boot.  Abyss throws Angle into the cage.  Angle is BUSTED WIDE OPEN.  Abyss works the cut by pounding on Angle’s head and throwing him into the cage again.  Angle slips of off Abyss’ back and takes out his knee.  Angle hammers Abyss with punches, then hits a frog splash for 2.  Abyss goes for a chokeslam, but Angle rolls through and goes for the ankle lock.  Abyss kicks free and chokeslams Angle for 2.  Abyss counters the Angle Slam and hits the Shock Treatment for 2.  Abyss goes for a diving splash, but Angle avoids it and hits the Angle Slam for 2.  Angle starts to leave through the door, then changes his mind and climbs to the top of the cage.  The show ends.  During the main event.  For the 2nd time in 3 weeks.  About 9 minutes shown.

I fucking hate this company.

TNA iMPACT! 9/16/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 21, 2010 by Grappleholic

Kurt Angle/Jeff Hardy highlight video.

“One More Time”

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Kurt Angle and Jeff Hardy are already in the ring.  Eric Bischoff and Miss Tessmacher come out.  Bischoff puts over Mr. Anderson for making it to the final of the World Title tournament at Bound For Glory.  He puts over the Angle/Hardy match, which apparently everybody but me thought was great.  He says it will be a three-way match for the title at the PPV.  Dixie Carter comes out.  She also verbally fellates them for the match, then says she’s going to override Bischoff’s decision and put Angle and Hardy in a no time limit match tonight.  Her music plays.  Why does this woman deserve music?

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero is pissed off.  He says he’s going to talk to Bischoff.  He meets and greets Kevin Nash and Sting.

Somebody asks Tommy Dreamer where EV2.0 goes from here.  He says “maybe home.”  Why do people always bother Dreamer when he’s going to his car?

Kevin Nash (w/ Sting) vs. Samoa Joe (w/ Jeff Jarrett).  Nash beats up Joe.  Joe ducks clotheslines and drops Nash with a big kick, then hits him with a lariat.  Joe kicks the shit out of Nash some more.  Outside, Nash rams Joe’s head into the apron.  Joe fights back.  Sting tries to attack Joe.  Jarrett saves and the 4 of them brawl.  Instead of DQ’ing anyone like a ref with a brain would do, the referee counts them both out in 2:42.  They all brawl some more.  Geeks eventually manage to break them up.  I’m bored with this feud.  They keep brawling through all the geeks.

Lacey Von Erich is in her locker room.  Madison Rayne and Tara come in.  Rayne tells Lacey they have a Tag title match next.  Lacey says she hasn’t decided whose side she’s on, which pisses Rayne off.  Rayne and Tara are mean to her.

Tonight, Angle vs. Hardy!  Next, Williams vs. Lethal for the X Title!

Kevin Nash and Sting talk backstage.

TNA X Division Championship Match: Douglas Williams (c) vs. Jay Lethal.  Lethal recently beat Williams in a non-title match on Xplosion, which no one anywhere has ever seen.  They brawl.  Williams hits a slam and a knee drop for 0.  Lethal hits a rebound kick in the corner.  They trade shots.  Williams hits a gutwrench suplex for 2.  More brawling.  Williams applies an abdominal stretch.  Williams hits a suplex for 2.  Lethal fights back.  Williams kicks his knee out and locks him a modified bow & arrow lock.  Williams knees Lethal in the back.  Lethal fights out of a waist lock.  Williams comes off the top, but Lethal catches him with a dropkick.  Lethal goes for the handspring elbow.  Williams counts and goes for the Chaos Theory, but Lethal counters and hits the Lethal Combination for 2.  Lethal goes for the diving elbow drop, but Williams avoids it.  Lethal counters a tornado DDT attempt and hits the Lethal Injection for the pin in 5:16.  New champion!  Confetti falls as Lethal celebrates.  Okay little match.

Abyss drags a body around backstage.  WTF?

Kurt Angle talks about Jeff Hardy.

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship Match: Taylor Wilde & Hamada (c) vs. Madison Rayne & Lacey Von Erich (w/ Tara).  Wilde schools Lacey and gets some quick cradles for 2.  Rayne yells at Lacey, who manages a hammerlock and a headlock, but gets reversed.  Hamada tags in and hits a diving sunset flip on Lacey for 2.  Rayne tags in and boots Hamada in the face, then tags Lacey back in.  Lacey hits her stupid backflip elbow, then tries it again and misses.  Hamada slams her and hits a moonsault press for 2.  Fuck, it’s not over?  Wilde tags in and hits a diving cross body on Lacey for 2.  Stay down, idiot!  I don’t want to watch you wrestle anymore.  Rayne pulls Wilde’s hair from the apron, then tags in and beats her up.  Rayne hits a crappy clothesline and tags in Lacey.  They hit a double suplex for 2.  Lacey applies a rear chin lock.  Wilde escapes and tags in Hamada, who hits Lacey with running kicks and a headbutt.  Wilde tags in and knocks Rayne off the apron.  Hamada and Wilde hit Lacey with a Samoan drop/neckbreaker combination and Wilde gets the pin in 4:03.  It was okay.  Rayne screams at Lacey.  Lacey tires of her shit and shoves her down.  Tara hits Lacey from behind with the motorcycle helmet.  The Beautiful People (the real ones, Angelina Love & Velvet Sky) come out to run off Rayne and Tara.

Tonight, Angle vs. Hardy!

Tommy Dreamer is head our way!  And he SUITED UP!

Jeff Hardy talks about Kurt Angle.

Tommy Dreamer comes out.  They show highlights from his I Quit Match with AJ Styles at No Surrender.  He calls out Fortune.  TNA World Television Champion AJ Styles, Ric Flair, Kazarian, Matt Morgan, and Beer Money come out.  Why must all TNA themes have awful rap lyrics?  Dreamer calls a truce and says it’s over.  He talks about how he wants to stay in TNA and talks about the Fortune members’ various histories with WWE and TNA.  He puts over Styles for beating him at the PPV.  Styles puts over Dreamer and they shake hands.  He then bashes Dreamer and cheap shots him.  Fortune commences to kicking the shit out Dreamer, much to the surprise of no one.  Brian Kendrick comes out to try to cover up Dreamer, but gets his ass kicked too.  Security, as usual, waits forever to come out.  Fire those guards and hire some competent ones.  Styles says now Dreamer can have his truce.  Well he won’t want it now!  Fortune leave.  Kendrick challenges any one of them to a fight and says some confusing scientific stuff.  Long, pointless segment.

Brian Kendrick vs. Matt Morgan.  JIP.  Morgan drops Kendrick with a clothesline, then gets around to taking his sunglasses off.  Morgan beats up Kendrick.  Morgan takes off his watch and hits the revolving elbows in the corner.  Morgan hits a fall away slam for 2, as he pulls Kendrick up to be a dick.  Kendrick surprises Morgan with a dropkick for the pin (2:06 shown).  Alright then.  Morgan says that doesn’t count because he was in a suit.  He’s throwing a fit.

The Pope walks into Bischoff’s office and finds Miss Tessmacher, who says Bischoff is in a meeting.  These fucks sure have their meetings at odd hours.  Pope is annoyed, then hits on Miss Tessmacher.  Ugh.

Tonight, HARDY VS. ANGLE!

Up next, RVD speaks!

House show plugs.

Abyss has 2 victims tied up in his torture room.  He uses a branding iron on one of them.  I hate this fucking company.

Tenay and Taz talk, then call Rob Van Dam on the telephone.  He says he’ll be there next week.

Generation Me come out.  They say that since they injured Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin should forfeit the tag titles to them.  They use way more words than I did.  TNA World Tag Team Champion Chris Sabin comes out and immediately attacks them.  He’s quickly overcome by the numbers game.  They give Sabin the DOUBLE DDT OF MURDER.  Fine segment.

Hardy vs. Angle is NEXT!

Shore!  I’m afraid to know what the fuck that is.  It’s coming on 10/7.  Joy.

Angle/Hardy highlight video.  Again.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Tournament – Semifinal Rematch – No Time Limit: Jeff Hardy vs. Kurt Angle.  They went 30 minutes at the PPV, so they’re putting them in a no time limit match with 11 minutes of TV time left.  Brilliant.  They lock up.  Angle pushes Hardy into the corner and gives a clean break.  They lock up again.  Hardy works Angle’s arm.  Angle counters and works Hardy’s arm.  Hardy gets a rope break.  Angle grabs a side headlock and scores a knockdown with a shoulder block, then takes Hardy over with another side headlock.  Hardy backs Angle into the corner and doesn’t give a clean break.  He’s a dick.  I can tell by the way his tweets are typed.  Hardy slide dropkicks Angle into the post.  Hardy brings Angle back inside and hits a front suplex for 2.  Hardy applies a rear chin lock.  Angle escapes and they trade blows.  Angle side steps Hardy and sends him to the floor, then hits him with a slingshot dive.  Ken Anderson comes out to join Tenay and Taz for commentary.  Insta-commercials.  Double clothesline spot.  Angle has a flurry of offense.  Hardy boots him in the face.  Angle hits a belly to belly suplex for 2.  Of course, the match is secondary to camera shots of Anderson talking.  Hardy hits the Twist of Fate for 2.  Hardy goes up top, but Angle jumps up.  Hardy avoids him, but Angle hits a moonsault body block for 2.  Angle applies the ankle lock.  Hardy manages to escape and drops Angle with a kick.  Hardy goes up top and goes for the Swanton Bomb, but Angle gets his knees up.  Hardy covers for 2 anyway.  Hardy takes out the ref with the Whisper In The Wind.  Angle hits the Angle Slam.  Earl Hebner comes in to count 2.  Angle hits the Angle Slam again for 2.  Angle lands some punches on Hardy.  The show ends.  Fuck you, I’m not watching Reaction.  It was good until TNA stupidity set in.

Fuck this show.  Fuck this company.  They will never be successful.  Even if they hire someone competent to run things, too much damage has been done from them to ever be taken seriously.

TNA iMPACT! 9/2/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 7, 2010 by Grappleholic

In the opening video, they act like putting the guys main eventing the PPV into a tag match on the last TV before the PPV is something unusual and controversial, even thought it’s happened in the build to pretty much every single PPV ever.  Fucking TNA.

“10.10.10.”  No, the title makes no sense at all.

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo.

Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff, and Miss Tessmacher come out.  Hogan flaps his gums about whatever, then brings out Ken Anderson, “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero, Jeff Hardy, and Kurt Angle.  They’re the 4 dudes in the semifinals of the World Title tournament at the PPV this Sunday.  Bischoff talks about the CONTROVERSY of doing something that every wrestling promotion ever has done a trillion times.  Bischoff must thinks toasting bread with his breakfast is controversial too.  Abyss comes out through the crowd, scares So Cal Val, and gets in the ring.  Hogan and Abyss argue or whatever.  Abyss says “they” isn’t EV2.0 or Fortune.  He says something about 10.10.10, which is the date of Bound For Glory.  Abyss says “they” will arrive and remove Dixie Carter and exterminate everyone in the ring.  Hardy punches Abyss.  Insta-commercials.  Fucking horrible segment.

No Surrender hype video.

A video chronicling whatever the fuck is going on with Beautiful People and a biker chick.

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Madison Rayne & the biker chick vs. The Beautiful People (TNA Knockouts Champion Angelina Love & Velvet Sky).  They all brawl at ringside.  Velvet and Angelina take out the biker chick, then surround Rayne in the ring.  She begs off, but they kick her ass.  They prepare to spank her, but the biker chick wakes up and jumps them.  The match finally starts.  Love stomps Rayne in the vag for 2.  Sky takes in and beats up Rayne.  Sky rams Rayne’s head into the mat for 2.  I hate that shit.  Love tags back in and hits the World’s Strongest Slam, then tags back out.  Love and Sky deck the biker chick, then hit a double suplex on Rayne.  Sky covers, but biker chick saves.  Love spears her and kicks her out of the ring, then stomps her on the outside.  With the referee distracted by Love doing nothing, biker chick hits Sky very lightly with the motorcycle helmet, allowing Rayne to get the pin in 2:28.  Fucking awful.  Rayne and biker chick beat up the BPs some more after the match.  Biker chick unmasks.  To the surprise of absolutely no one, it’s Tara.

Stevie Richards talks to the camera about Abyss.

Abyss video package.

Stevie Richards vs. Abyss.  Abyss comes out through the crowd again.  Richards attacks him on the outside and beats him up a bit.  Abyss catches him with a boot, then throws him in the ring to start the match.  So now, all matches must have outside brawling before the match starts.  Stevie goes on the attack and throws a superkick, but Abyss blocks it and throws him down.  Abyss avalanches Stevie in the corner.  They trade chops.  Abyss pummels Stevie with weak punches, then scares the referee.  Abyss hits a World’s Strongest Slam, then goes outside to retrieve a steel chair.  He looks annoyed because he can’t find his nail board.  The referee fucks with Abyss about the chair.  Stevie superkicks the chair into Abyss’ face for the pin in 2:21!  STEVIE WON A MATCH!  My joy is short lived, as Abyss jumps Stevie immediately afterward and kills him with the Shock Treatment.  EV2.0 and Fortune are being held apart by security backstage.  Mick Foley appears to be injured.  Back in the ring, Abyss gives Stevie the Black Hole Slam.  Abyss tries to use Janice, but Brian Kendrick runs out, hits Abyss with a baseball slide dropkick, and runs away with Stevie.  Random.

Ken Anderson talks to no one in particular about The Pope.  Pope comes in and tells Anderson that he doesn’t buy his face turn.  They have to team together tonight, but they’re not friends.  Ground breaking there, Mr. Russo.

Tonight, tag match!  Plus, Sting vs. Jeff Jarrett.

EV2.0 of Tommy Dreamer, Mick Foley, Sabu, and Rhino are in the ring.  Dreamer calls out Fortune.  Ric Flair, TNA World Television Champion AJ Styles, Kazarian, Beer Money, Matt Morgan, and TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams come out.  Styles cuts a promo about their various matches at No Surrender.  Dreamer challenges them to an 8-man tag tonight.  Fortune agree.

Jeff Jarrett tries to persuade Samoa Joe to have his back tonight.  Joe blows him off again.

Sting vs. Jarrett is NEXT!

Sting and Kevin Nash talk as they walk through the mess of the backstage area.

Jeff Jarrett talks to no one in particular about how he needs help against Sting and Nash.

Jeff Jarrett vs. Sting (w/ Kevin Nash).  They lock up.  Jarrett tries to run the ropes and gets tripped by Nash.  Sting beats up Jarrett.  Jarrett fights back.  Nash trips him again.  Jarrett bails and Nash chases him back into the ring.  That was stupid.  Jarrett makes his comeback on Sting, the bails and attacks Nash.  Jarrett tries to fight both Sting and Nash.  Sting gets the better of Jarrett and beats him up on the outside.  Sting throws Jarrett back into the ring.  Jarrett rams Sting’s head into the turnbuckles, then tries to suplex him back into the ring.  Nash trips Jarrett yet again and Sting lands on top for the pin in 3:10.  More crap.  Sting chokes Jarrett with his bat after the match.  Of course, the fearsome and terrifying 50 something year old Hulk Hogan comes out.  Samoa Joe comes in through the crowd to make the save.  He takes out Nash.  Sting tells Joe that he’s in the wrong place at the wrong time, then nothing else happens.  Stupid, stupid shit.

Tonight, Angle & Hardy vs. Anderson & Pope.

Shore!  I don’t know what the fuck it is, but it’s coming soon.  Maybe it’s “they.”

Tenay and Taz hype the No Surrender card.

London Brawling and Chelsea are in the ring.  They’re the #1 Contenders for the tag titles, having beaten a bunch of people on Xplosion, which no one anywhere has ever seen.  Magnus now wears a beret and sunglasses, because the way to be a true heel is to be French.  TNA World Tag Team Champions The Motor City Machine Guns come out.  Shelley cuts an impassioned promo about how they’re not going to lose to these goons.  Sabin says the Guns are the best team in the universe and the Brits are gay.  Wolfe says they’re not poofs because the have a bird.  What now?  Magnus talks about the Guns’ pubic hair.  Shelley implies that Chelsea isn’t sexually satisfied due to her lack of facial expressions.  He propositions Chelsea.  Sabin says she’s only with them because she needs the money like any call girl.  Wolfe tells her to tell them what a stud he is.  Chelsea implies that Wolfe has a small penis, which naturally pisses  him off.  London Brawling cheap shot the Guns and beat the crap out of them.  They hit a double team move on Shelley, sort of a sidewalk slam/dropkick to the head combo.  They meet for the titles this Sunday!

Tommy Dreamer bitches to EV2.0 backstage.  The doctor says Foley can’t go tonight.  Brian Kendrick comes in and offers his services.  Dreamer tells him not to get involved.  Foley says Kendrick is out of his mind, making him the perfect replacement.  Dreamer says okay, but warns Kendrick that he doesn’t know what he’s getting into.

House show plugs.

Jeff Hardy and Kurt Angle chat backstage.

Elimination Match: Fortune of TNA World Television Champion AJ Styles, Beer Money, & Kazarian (w/ Ric Flair, Matt Morgan, & TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams) vs. EV2.0 of Tommy Dreamer, Rhino, Sabu, & Brian Kendrick.  Rhino and Storm lock up.  Rhino scores a knockdown with a shoulder block.  Storm fails a hip toss, buts takes Rhino into the Fortune corner for a beating.  Kazarian tags in and beats up Rhino.  Rhino lands a dropkick, of all things, and makes the tag to Sabu.  Sabu cleans house and hits Kazarian with a sweet springboard DDT for 2.  Styles comes in and gets dropped by Sabu.  Williams trips Sabu from the outside.  Kazarian pins Sabu with an Oklahoma roll in 1:52.  Sabu drops Kazarian, then takes out Williams with a suicide dive.  Sabu and Williams brawl on the aisle.  Dreamer comes in and locks Kazarian in a Texas Cloverleaf.  Styles breaks it.  Kendrick tags in and runs wild on Kazarian.  Kendrick goes for a cross body, but Kazarian catches him with his knees.  Roode tags in and beats up Kendrick.  Kazarian tags back in and does a quick cradle sequence with Kendrick.  Kendrick lands a dropkick for the pin in 4:43.  Styles comes in/  Kendrick takes him down with a Thesz press and chokes him.  Repeat.  Kendrick dropkicks the referee out of the ring.  Clusterfuck brawl ensues.  Mick Foley comes out.  Insta-commercials.  Beer Money double team Dreamer.  Kendrick was DQ’d during the break.  Roode dives at Dreamer, but Dreamer catches him with a boot.  Dreamer hits a spinebuster.  Rhino and Storm tag in.  Rhino runs wild on everybody.  He blocks Storm’s superkick and hits a belly to belly suplex.  Rhino Gores Storm, but Roode saves.  Rhino hits a belly to belly on Roode, then sets up the Gore.  Abyss comes out.  Rhino brawls with him on the outside.  They brawl through the crowd.  Rhino is counted out.  Dreamer is all one against Styles and Beer Money.  Fortune make quick tags and kick the shit out of Dreamer.  Dreamer manages to drop Roode with the DDT for the pin as Styles accidentally hits Storm with the springboard forearm.  Dreamer schoolboys Storm for the pin.  Dreamer and Styles brawl.  Styles goes for the Styles Clash, but Dreamer counters and locks in a crossface.  Styles gets a rope break to save himself.  Dreamer goes for the Spiccoli Driver, but Styles counters and lands a dropkick.  Dreamer avoids a knee drop and goes for the DDT.  Styles counters and locks in the Minoru Special.  Dreamer gets a rope break to save himself.  Styles slams Dreamer and goes up top.  Dreamer cuts him off and hits a superplex.  Dreamer looks at Flair, then goes for the figure-four leglock.  Morgan tries to interfere, but Dreamer cuts him off.  Foley attacks Flair.  Styles hits Dreamer with the Pele kick for the pin (13:39 shown).  Fun match.

Angle & Hardy vs. Pope & Anderson is NEXT!

Ken Anderson & “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero vs. Kurt Angle & Jeff Hardy.  Angle hits Pope with a backdrop suplex while Pope and Anderson discuss whatever tag partners who don’t get along discuss.  Angle and Hardy double team Pope, including some old school Hardy Boyz action with the Poetry In Motion.  Hardy hits a corner basement dropkick for 2.  Pope fights back against Hardy, then tags in Anderson.  Hardy hits the leg drop to the balls and the basement dropkick.  Pope comes in and gets kicked down by Hardy.  Anderson decks Hardy for 2.  Pope tags himself in and hits an enzui knee drop for 2.  Pope tags in Anderson again and Anderson slams Hardy for 2.  They’re pretending that Anderson is reluctant to fight Hardy.  Hardy fights out of a rear chin lock.  Anderson goes for the Mic Check, but Hardy blocks it and hits the Twist of Fate.  Angle and Pope tag in.  Angle runs wild with suplexes, then hits the Angle Slam on Pope.  Anderson saves.  Angle slams him too.  Hardy goes for the Whisper In The Wind, but accidentally hits Angle.  Anderson hits Angle with the Mic Check.  Pope covers Angle for the pin in 4:41.  Fine match in spite of TNA bullshit.  Anderson and Pope brawl after the match.  Pope spears Anderson through the ropes to the floor.  Angle and Hardy argue and brawl.  Security breaks up the brawls.

My brain hurt for the first hour or so, but the last 2 matches were pretty fun.