Archive for Lumberjack Match

WWE Monday Night Raw 2/14/11

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2011 by Grappleholic

WWE open, pyro and ballyhoo.  We are LIVE from Anaheim, California!  Tonight, we’ll find out who’s going to host WrestleMania XXVII!  Randy Orton vs. Sheamus!  John Morrison vs. R-Truth!  John Cena vs. CM Punk, there must be a winner!  Michael Cole and Josh Matthews are the announcers.  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

John Cena comes out and talks for a while about who might be the WrestleMania host, then makes fun of Michael Cole.  He starts to talk about The Nexus, but CM Punk comes out to interrupt.  They banter, and now it’s match time.

John Cena vs. CM Punk.  Cena wins the lock up and peppers Punk with body shots.  Cena charges the corner, but Punk avoids it and Cena hits the turnbuckles, then rolls out of the ring.  Punk hits a diving lariat off the apron.  Commercials.  Punk knees Cena in the face for 2.  Punk hits a snap suplex for 2.  Punk boots Cena and gets a jackknife hold for 2.  Punk applies a body scissors.  Cena fights out and goes for the STF, but Punk gets the ropes.  Punk puts a beating on Cena.  Cena makes his comeback.  Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Punk counters and hits a dropkick for 2.  Punk applies a headscissors.  Cena escapes and hits a gutwrench suplex for 2.  Cena goes up top, but Punk drops him with a kick.  Punk hits the running knee.  Cena counters the bulldog, hit a drop toe hold, and goes for the STF.  Punk counters and hits a swinging neckbreaker for 2.  Punk goes for the Go 2 Sleep.  Cena counters into a schoolboy for 2.  Punk drops Cena with a high kick for 2.  Punk goes for a cross body.  Cena catches him and goes for the Attitude Adjustment.  Punk fights it and ends up taking a bump out of the ring.  A Nexus member hands Punk a chair from under the ring.  Punk throws the chair in the ring and the referee turns to get rid of it.  The Nexus member hands Punk a wrench, with which he hits Cena in the face.  Punk hits the Go 2 Sleep for the pin in 10:37.  Pretty good match.

Cole explains that Jerry Lawler isn’t here because his mother passed away.  Our best to the King.

Who’s the host going to be?  Commercials!

Slam of the Week: Alberto Del Rio’s attack on Edge’s arm 2 weeks ago.

Justin Roberts introduces Ricardo Rodriguez to introduce Alberto Del Rio.  Del Rio cuts his usual promo about destiny.  World Heavyweight Champion Edge interrupts.  He talks for a bit, then kicks Del Rio’s ass.  He goes for the spear, but Ricardo distracts him and gets decked.  Edge bumps Del Rio off the apron into the barricade.  Vickie Guerrero comes out and screeches.  She introduces Dolph Ziggler as the new World Heavyweight Champion, presumably since Edge used the dreaded illegal running hug of doom on Smackdown.  She says Ziggler will be coronated on Smackdown.  This is fucking stupid.  She says he has proof that Edge took out Teddy Long, then cackles.  Again, this is fucking stupid.

Eve vs. Natalya is next.  Commercials.

Tonight, WrestleMania host.  Plus, The Miz vs. Daniel Bryan.  I’m so pissed at the stupidity in the last segment that I’m not even excited.

The Divas title match is a lumberjill match for some reason.  The Bella Twins, Tamina, Gail Kim, Maryse, Melina, and Alicia Fox are at ringside.

Lumberjill Match for the WWE Divas Championship: Eve Torres (c) vs. Natalya.  They lock up and do a bit of chain wrestling.  They both throw dropkicks, then slap hands and do some more stuff.  Natalya rocks a surfboard.  Eve manages to turn it into a cradle for 2.  Natalya grabs a headlock.  Eve hits a flip splash for 2.  Natalya hits a discus lariat.  Eve throws Natalya out of the ring.  The Bellas attack her.  Fight breaks out with all the women at ringside.  Eve hits a cross body into a pile of them.  Maryse looks hurt.  Cole is laughing.  Back inside, Eve and Natalya conk heads.  Natalya goes for a la magistral, but Eve counters and gets the pin in 3:37.  They tried, but this sucked.  They shake hands.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Rev Theory is in the front row.

The Bella Twins talk shit to Eve backstage, the jump her.  Gail Kim and Natalya make the save.  Referees try to break it up.

Chaperone trailer.  Ugh.

Mark Henry comes out.  Sheamus jumps him in the aisle and drops him with the brogue kick.  Sheamus says that’s a message for the “fellas” in the Elimination Chamber.  Henry makes it up and Sheamus gives him another brogue kick.

WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley are headed our way.  Miz shoves down some geek backstage.  Commercials.

WWE Rewind: The Miz & Ted Dibiase Jr. vs. Jerry Lawler & Daniel Bryan from last week.

Non-Title: WWE Champion The Miz (w/ Alex Riley) vs. WWE United States Champion Daniel Bryan.  Riley joins Cole and Matthews for commentary.  They lock up.  Miz gets the obligatory headlock and shoulder block, then talks shit.  They lock up again.  Bryan hits some arm drags and the leap frog, drop down, dropkick.  Miz boots Bryan in the face and puts the boots to him.  Miz applies a camel clutch.  Bryan fights out and locks in a rear naked choke.  Miz gets the ropes.  Bryan kicks the crap out of him.  Miz hits an elbow smash for 2.  Miz applies a rear chin lock.  Bryan fights out.  They trade punches.  Cole ridiculously compares Miz to the Crusher.  Bryan gets rolling.  A dropkick to the corner gets 2.  Bryan back body drops Miz to the floor and goes for a dive.  Miz avoids it.  Bryan hits a flying knee off the apron.  Back inside, Bryan goes up top and hits a missile dropkick for 2.  Bryan goes for the LeBell Lock, but Miz is in the ropes.  Miz connects with a knee lift and a neckbreaker on the apron!  Commercials.  Miz goes for a superplex, but Bryan counters and hits a sunset flip powerbomb for 2.  Bryan lands some vicious kicks.  Miz gets a schoolboy for 2.  Miz gets an inside cradle for 2.  Miz hits the backbreaker and goes for the neckbreaker, but Bryan counters into a German suplex.  Bryan lands a head kick for 2.  Miz counters the LeBell Lock and eats an elbow.  Bryan goes for something, but Miz faceplants him.  Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale for the pin in 11:57.  Awesome match.  My mood has improved.  Miz cuts a promo after the match.

Who will host Mania?!  Commercials.

WWE.com plug.

David Otunga & Michael McGillicutty of the New Nexus (w/ Mason Ryan) vs. John Morrison & R-Truth.  This was supposed to be Morrison vs. Truth, but iBooker changed it.  Truth jumps around with McGillicutty.  Ryan trips Truth.  McGillicutty sends Truth outside.  Ryan gets in his cheap shot.  McGillicutty rams Truth’s back into the apron.  Back inside, cover gets 2.  Otunga tags in and keeps the heat going on Truth.  Otunga hits a suplex for 2, then applies a rear chin lock.  Truth hits a backdrop suplex and makes the hot tag.  Morrison runs wild and stomps the shit out of Otunga and McGillicutty, then kicks Mason Ryan and hip tosses Truth out of the ring onto him.  Morrison hits McGillicutty with the running knee strike for the pin in 4:16.  There ya go.  Morrison and Truth brawl with Ryan after the match and send him out of the ring.

Plug for Chris Jericho’s new book, which I just started reading.

Anaheim!

Tonight, Orton vs. Sheamus!  Commercials!

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Justin Roberts introduces Ariel Winter, who plays Triple H’s daughter in that shitty movie.  She screeches for a while.  Great Khali and Ranjin Singh come out for the stupid Kiss Cam.  The cam is going backstage too.  Fans kiss.  Santino Marella and Tamina kiss.  Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler kiss.  More fans kiss.  Maryse refuses to kiss Ted Dibiase Jr. and kisses Yoshi Tatsu instead.  William Regal kisses Zack Ryder on the cheek.  More fans.  Hornswoggle sneaks in the ring and gives Ariel a box of chocolates.  She kisses him on the cheek.  Hornswoggle celebrates.

Who’s going to host Mania?

Randy Orton is headed our way!  Commercials!

2/21/11!  Hey, that’s next week!  Something’s gonna happen!

King Sheamus vs. Randy Orton.  They start with a very aggressive lock up, then brawl for a while.  Sheamus gets the advantage and puts a beating on Orton.  Sheamus hits a slingshot shoulder block for 2.  Sheamus works Orton’s shoulder.  Orton fights back and gets rolling with clotheslines and a powerslam.  Sheamus hits the Irish Curse for 2.  Sheamus hits a superplex.  Orton hits the RKO out of nowhere for the pin in 5:04.  Well that was abrupt.  The New Nexus jump Orton.  John Morrison, R-Truth, and John Cena make the save.  Orton RKOs Otunga and McGillicutty.  Orton and Cena clothesline Ryan out of the ring.  Punk goes for the Go 2 Sleep on Orton, but fails.  Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment on Punk.

A limo arrives.  A woman gets out.  The Mania host will be revealed next!

The host of WrestleMania XXVII is… they do a really big, dramatic build up with the lights going out and shit.  IT’S THE ROCK!  Finally, The Rock has come back to Anaheim!  To Monday Night Raw!  Home!  He lists off his various nicknames.  He says he’s back for the fans and he’s never going away again.  He makes jokes about Justin Bieber.  He talks a little shit about The Miz.  The iBooker dings in.  Rock tells Cole to sit down and STFU just like old times.  Rock plugs his Facebook page and threatens to stick the iBooker laptop up Cole’s candy ass.  Rock talks A LOT of shit about John Cena, having taken offense to comments Cena made about Rock in the past.  He says “ass” a lot, so apparently he didn’t get the PG memo.  He finishes with the “If ya smell what The Rock is cookin’.”  Rock poses while his music plays as the show closes.

Some parts of this show really sucked, and some were really good.  I’m still pissed about the retarded way Ziggler got the title, but the Miz/Bryan match and the Rock stuff were pretty great.

WWE Friday Night Smackdown! 11/12/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 15, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open, video from Raw of Wade Barrett bitching at David Otunga and ordering him to invade Smackdown again and face Edge.  If he loses, he’s out of Nexus.  Smackdown open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Todd Grisham, Michael Cole, and Matt Striker are the announcers.  Tonight, David Otunga vs. Edge and Big Show vs. Kane!  Tony Chimel is the ring announcer.

Edge comes out to cut a promo.  He says he plans on going into WrestleMania next year as World Champion.  He goes on to say that he’ll send David Otunga to the unemployment line tonight.  The 5 less important members of The Nexus come out and surround Edge.  Vickie Guerrero comes out and says that Teddy Long was detained at customs, so she’s in charge.  She tells Otunga that he’ll lose if any Nexus members interfere get in the ring.  She hypes the matches we’ve already been informed of, adding that the Edge/Otunga match will be a Lumberjack Match.  She orders Edge and Otunga to shake hands “like British gentlemen.”  Edge refuses.  Vickie threatens to take his title shot away.  Edge shakes Otunga’s hand, then spears him off the apron onto Nexus.

Alberto Del Rio arrives in a fancy car.  Apparently he drives to the arena in his gear.  Grisham implies that he drove from Mexico.  I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be a joke or not.  Commercials.

WWE.com plug.

Manchester!

Ricardo Rodriguez came all the way to England just to introduce Alberto Del Rio!

Alberto Del Rio vs. Kofi Kingston.  Del Rio wins the lock up and lightly pats Kofi’s kick.  Kofi kicks his ass in retaliation.  Kofi lands a dropkick for 2.  Del Rio boots Kofi in the face and hits a clothesline.  Del Rio works over Kofi.  Kofi leapfrogs Del Rio twice and hits an elbow smash.  Kofi lands corner punches and a European uppercut.  Del Rio bails.  He tries to dash back in, but Kofi dropkicks him and hits him with a tope suicida.  Kofi throws Del Rio back into the ring and covers for 2.  Del Rio backdrops Kofi to the apron and knocks him to the floor with an enzuigiri.  Commercials.  Del Rio works a rear chin lock, then throws Kofi to the mat for 2.  Del Rio beats up Kofi.  Kofi makes his comeback.  Kofi hits a diving cross body for 2.  Kofi hits a jumping chop that idiot Grisham always calls a Superman punch.  Kofi hits the Boom Drop and goes for the Trouble In Paradise.  Del Rio bails to avoid it.  Kofi goes after him like an idiot and gets his arm pulled into the post.  Back inside, Del Rio hits the Minoru Special for the submission win in 11:32.  Decent match.  Rey Mysterio Jr. comes out after the match and gives Del Rio the 619.

The 4 least important members of Nexus discuss the problems they’ve encountered tonight.  David Otunga comes in and pleas for help.  I assume they agree to have his back.  Sorry, I spaced.

Tonight, Big Show vs. Kane!  Commercials!

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Non-Title: Natalya vs. Unified WWE Divas Champion Layla.  They actually do some chain wrestling.  Pimp.  Natalya hits a stalling suplex for 2.  Layla lands some kicks and drops Natalya on the apron.  Cover gets 2.  Layla rams Natalya’s face into the mat and applies a wonky head scissors.  Natalya stands up, rams Layla into the corner, and turns it into something of a backbreaker.  Natalya avoids a leg drop and hits a body slam and a discus lariat.  Natalya hits a butterfly suplex for 2.  Layla sends Natalya into the corner.  Natalya counters a kick and locks in the Sharpshooter for the win in 3:27.  Fine.

World Heavyweight Champion Kane and Paul Bearer are in their weird, creepy area backstage.  Kane talks while weird, creepy music plays in the background.

Otunga vs. Edge in a Lumberjack Match NEXT!  Commercials!

Lumberjack Match: Edge vs. David Otunga (w/ WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater, Michael McGillicutty, & Husky Harris).  The lumberjacks are the aforementioned members of The Nexus, Rey Mysterio, Kofi Kingston, Jack Swagger, Chavo Guerrero Jr., Drew McIntyre, Goldust, Finlay, WWE Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler, Kaval, Tyson Kidd, Chris Masters, Primo, Tyler Reks, MVP, and Alberto Del Rio.  Yes, there’s at least 3 Raw guys out there besides Nexus.  The other lumberjacks chases Nexus to the stage.  Edge beats up Otunga and sends him outside.  The lumberjacks rough him up a bit and throw him back in.  Otunga realizes he has nowhere to bail to.  Commercials, less than a minute into the match.  Let’s hope there’s less than a minute left when they come back.  Edge throws Otunga outside to get beaten up again.  Back inside, cover gets 2.  Edge gets sent outside.  Nobody attacks him until Del Rio trips him on the apron just to be a dick.  Edge’s face smacks the apron.  MVP and Del Rio argue.  Otunga works over Edge for a while, so there goes my interest for a bit.  Edge hits a backdrop suplex and makes his comeback.  Edge gets a schoolboy for 2.  Edge hits a flapjack, then hits Del Rio with a baseball slide dropkick.  That’s the cue for the lumberjacks to start brawling.  Edge hits the Edgecution and sets up for the spear.  Michael McGillicutty comes in and gets spear.  Kane comes in through the crowd and chokeslams Edge behind the referee’s back.  Otunga covers for the pin in 9:51 to keep his job.  Dammit.  Match was lame too.

Tonight, Show vs. Kane!  Next, Dolph Ziggler defends the Intercontinental Championship against MVP!  Commercials.

Last week, MVP beat Drew McIntyre and Cody Rhodes to earn an Intercontinental title shot!

WWE Intercontinental Championship Match: Dolph Ziggler (c) vs. Montel Vontavious Porter.  They lock up.  MVP gets a schoolboy for 1, then a jackknife hold for 1, then another schoolboy for 2.  MVP hits a press slam and a sliding Yakuza kick.  Ziggler falls out of the ring.  Commercials less than a minute in.  Ziggler stomps on MVP and lands an elbow drop for 2.  Ziggler applies a scissored rear chin lock.  MVP gets a schoolboy for 2.  He goes for the corner Yakuza kick, but Ziggler kicks him in the face and goes for the Flair pin.  MVP kicks out.  Ziggler hits a neckbreaker for 2.  Ziggler tries to remove a turnbuckle pad.  The referee goes to correct it.  MVP gets an inside cradle, but the referee doesn’t see it in time and Ziggler manages to kick out.  Ziggler hits the Fameasser for 2.  Ziggler goes back to the scissored chin lock.  MVP fights out, avoids Ziggler in the corner, and eats an elbow smash.  MVP catches Ziggler with a clothesline and makes his comeback.  Knee facebuster gets 2.  MVP hits the Ballin’ elbow and covers.  Ziggler gets his foot on the bottom rope.  MVP sets up a superplex.  Ziggler fights him off, dives, and eats a Yakuza kick.  Cover gets 2.  Ziggler kicks MVP in the leg and hits a half assed Zig Zag for the pin in 8:34.  Good match, much better than I expected.  Apparently MVP’s foot was on the bottom rope, but the referee didn’t see it.

Stand up for WWE!

Kane finds his weird backstage lair disrupted.  At least his creepy music is still playing.  He finds Paul Bearer’s urn on the ground.  Commercials.

“Dashing” Cody Rhodes comes out to cut a promo about British oral hygiene.  They show one of his grooming tips videos where he talks about oral hygiene.

Kane runs around backstage looking for Paul Bearer and assaulting a random pedestrian.

Tale of the Tape for Kane vs. Big Show.  Commercials.

Manchester!

Knucklehead!

Non-Title: World Heavyweight Champion Kane vs. The Big Show.  They brawl.  Show hits a shoulder block for 2.  Show beats up Kane.  Kane dropkicks Show’s knee.  Kane beats up Show.  Show drops him with an elbow and HITS A VADER BOMB for 2.  I’ve never seen Show hit that.  Kane recovers from being pancaked.  They goozle each other.  Show wins the goozle contest.  Kane fights out and hits a clothesline that sends them both out of the ring.  We are shown that Paul Bearer is bound and gagged in a wheelchair, watching the match backstage.  Commercials.  Show works Kane’s arm.  Kane comes back and pounds on Show.  Kane hits a basement dropkick for 2.  Kane applies a rear chin lock.  This is so boring.  It was fun before the commercial.  They should have given this 5 minutes instead of 10+.  Show lands a shoulder block that sends Kane out of the ring.  Kane pulls Show into the top rope to get the advantage, then goes up top.  Show tries to cut him off.  Kane knocks him down and hits the diving lariat for 2.  Kane applies his rear chin lock again.  Show hits a backdrop suplex to escape.  Show makes his comeback.  Kane hits the diving lariat again and signals for the chokeslam.  Edge comes out to the stage with Paul Bearer bound and gagged in the wheelchair.  Edge talks at Kane for a while.  Edge threatens to push Bearer off the stage.  Show chokeslams Kane for the pin in 14:35.  The latter two thirds of this match were horribly boring.  Edge takes Bearer to the back.

This show was pretty shitty aside from one really good match (MVP/Ziggler, which I had incredibly low expectations for).

TNA Turning Point 2010

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 10, 2010 by Grappleholic

The opening video is more of Jeff Hardy’s drug fueled ramblings.

Turning Point!  Pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.  The PPV is opening with Shore.  Wonderful.

TNA X Division Championship Match: Jay Lethal (c) vs. Robbie E. (w/ Cookie).  They lock  up.  Robbie has a fist on the back of his trunks.  Is his gimmick that he loves to jerk off?  Lethal wins the lock up and the Shore tard bails to give instructions to Becky Bayless’ tits.  They lock up again.  Lethal shines and hits some arm drags.  Robbie has fists on his knee pads too.  He must really love jerking it.  Lethal backdrops him out of the ring to the floor, which I enjoyed.  The Shore tards avoids getting hit by Lethal’s baseball slide dropkick, but Lethal drops Robbie with a chop.  Lethal beats up Robbie on the outside, then throws him back inside.  Lethal hits a springboard missile dropkick for 2.  Lethal hits a hip toss, then cartwheels into a dropkick for 2.  Lethal lands an elbow smash and goes for the Lethal Combination, but Robbie counters and hot shots Lethal into the ropes.  Robbie grounds & pounds Lethal, then covers for 2.  Robbie keeps the heat on Lethal.  Lethal tries to fight back, but gets whipped hard into the corner.  Cover gets 2.  Robbie dances like a Jersey retard, then applies an abdominal stretch.  Lethal breaks out, but gets caught with an elbow smash.  Cover gets 2 for the tard.  Robbie hugs Lethal from behind.  Robbie works Lethal’s ribs.  Lethal makes his comeback and gets rolling.  Lethal gets a sunset flip, but Cookie distracts the referee.  Lethal goes to yell at her.  Robbie tries to jump Lethal, but gets thrown outside.  Lethal lands a tope suicida.  Lethal beats up Robbie on the outside.  Back inside, Cookie tries to spray Lethal with hairspray.  Lethal takes it away from her, then hits Robbie with the Lethal Combination.  Lethal goes up top.  Cookie grabs his leg.  Robbie crotches him, then hits a neckbreaker for the pin in 10:40.  Good match, but I still hate everything about this retarded gimmick.

Tenay and Taz hype the rest of tonight’s card.

Christy Hemme interviews Mickie James.

Tara vs. Mickie James.  Idiot Borash almost announces it as a Knockouts title match.  Mickie rushes to the ring in her chaps.  They brawl.  Is she seriously going to wrestle on chaps?  Mickie shines.  Tara bails.  Mickie invites her back in to the ring.  Tara hits a neckbreaker across the top rope.  Tara goes for the Widow’s Peak, but Mickie counters into a sunset flip for 2.  Mickie applies a hair pull half crab briefly.  Tara bails again and pulls Mickie out of the ring.  They pull each others’ hair and roll back into the ring.  Tara throws Mickie across the ring by her hair.  Tara hits a suplex into a front choke, then pulls her hair.  Mickie fights back and takes Tara outside with a head scissors.  Mickie hits a diving Thesz press from the apron.  Back inside, Mickie hits a missile dropkick.  She goes for the spin kick, but Tara catches her leg and makes her do the splits.  Mickie counters a suplex and goes for a DDT.  Tara counters, sets her on the top rope, and goes for something, but they kind of fall.  They hit teach other on the top rope, then tumble to the floor.  They pull each others’ hair on the outside.  Tara gets whipped into the side of the ring.  They fight into the crowd.  The referee is out there with them instead of counting in the fucking ring.  He gets shoved and calls for a DQ in 8:15.  They keep fighting anyway.  Tara hits Mickie with a broom and breaks it over her back.  Mickie hits Tara with a trash can.  They brawl some more.  Security geeks break them up.  Mickie goes back to the ring and challenges Tara again.  So they brawl in the ring again and start ripping each others’ clothes off.  Yay!  D’Lo Brown, Pat Kenney, and security geeks break them up.  They fight again.  They get broken up again.  This went on too long for my taste.  Still, it was 1000 times better than other current TNA women’s matches and at least they treated it like a grudge match.

Team 3D/Motor City Machine Guns hype video.

Christy Hemme interviews Team 3D.  Tonight is allegedly their last match.

Tag Lines!

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match: The Motor City Machine Guns (c) vs. Team 3D.  Shelley and Devon shake hands and lock up.  They break and lock up again, then trade arm locks.  Devon takes Shelley down with a side headlock.  Shelley transitions into a head scissors, then breaks.  They lock up again  and trade holds.  Devon lands a flying shoulder block for 2.  Shelley drops out of a suplex attempt and avoids Devon in the corner.  Shelley ducks punches.  Devon ducks an enzuigiri.  Shelley drops Devon and tags in Sabin.  Guns go for the Skull & Bones, but Devon escapes, drops them, and tags in Ray.  3D go for the 3D, but Sabin bails to avoid it.  Sabin and Ray tear into each other.  Sabin lands some forearms and a springboard cross body for 2.  Ray boots Sabin in the face.  Devon tags in.  3D double team Sabin.  Cover, but Shelley saves.  Shelley blind tags in.  Guns double team Devon.  Cover gets 2.  Shelley goes for a diving stomp, but Devon avoids it and tags in Ray.  Ray works Shelley’s knee.  Shelley avoids getting squashed by a big splash and tags in Sabin.  Guns double team Ray.  Guns knock Devon to the floor and Shelley hits a tope suicida.  Ray avoids Sabin’s dive on the other side of the ring.  Ray charges, but Sabin moves and Ray smashes into the post.  Back inside, the Guns work Ray over.  Ray is BUSTED WIDE OPEN!  Sabin goes for a Frankensteiner off the top, but takes too long, allowing Ray to powerbomb him off the top!  Cover takes too long and gets 2.  Shelley tags in and prevents a tag from being made in the 3D corner.  Shelley kicks the crap out of Ray.  Ray asks for more and chops Shelley.  Repeat.  Shelley lands an enzuigiri, then goes for a rebound something.  Bubba catches him with an Ace Crusher in midair!  Devon and Sabin tag in.  Devon runs wild.  Devon hits a sidewalk slam for 2.  Devon hits a powerslam for 2.  Devon hits a neckbreaker, but Shelley saves.  Guns double team Devon.  Devon slams them into each other.  Devon hits a 360 lariat on Sabin and goes up top.  Devon hits a diving headbutt, but Shelley saves.  Bubba blind tags in and hits the Guns with a double enzui lariat.  3D hit the inverted 3D on Sabin for 2.  3D hit the Wassup headbutt on Shelley.  Bubba tells Devon to get the tables, presumably so they can ruin their final match with a DQ finish.  3D set up the table and triy to whip Sabin through it, but Sabin runs up and flips back.  Bubba goes through the table.  Guns double superkick Devon for 2.  Guns hit Skull & Bones for 2.  Shelley goes for the Shiranui.  Devon fights them off.  3D on Sabin.  Sabin kicks out!  3D are in shock.  They go for it again, but Sabin DDTs Devon, then avoids Bubba’s elbow drop,  Shelley superkicks Bubba.  Guns hit the Skull & Bones on Bubba.  Shelley gets the pin in 17:07.  AWESOME match!  Everybody hugs and makes friends.

Christy Hemme interviews Tommy Dreamer.

Tommy Dreamer vs. Rob Van Dam.  They lock up, break, lock up, break, lock up.  Dreamer ducks a kick and gets a schoolboy for 2.  RVD gets a leg scissors cradle for 2.  They argue, then start punching each other.  RVD hits an ineffective shoulder block.  Dreamer hits a clothesline.  RVD bails.  Dreamer hits a diving clothesline off the apron.  RVD kicks Dreamer in the head.  RVD drops Dreamer’s balls across the barricade, then hits the MOTHERFUCKING GUARDRAIL LEG DROP!  RVD throws a chair into the ring.  There was no ring announcing for this match, so I have no idea what the gimmick is.  Either it’s legal or the referee is an idiot, because RVD grinds the chair into Dreamer’s face.  He tries a slingshot leg drop, but ends up just leg dropping the chair.  Dreamer works RVD’s leg.  Dreamer puts RVD in the tree of woe with the chair.  RVD moves.  Dreamer puts him back in position.  RVD moves again.  Dreamer hits a hangman’s neckbreaker.  Dreamer brings in a ladder and a fresh chair.  RVD stumbles around and tries to dropkick the ladder into Dreamer.  Dreamer avoids it and hits RVD in the face with a ladder.  Dreamer bulldogs RVD into the ladder for 2.  Dreamer goes for a diving elbow drop and hits it on the ladder.  RVD hits the Rolling Thunder on the ladder.  That poor, defenseless ladder.  Dreamer hits a sloppy frog splash on RVD for 2.  Dreamer looks to have injured his wrist.  RVD hits a Northern Lights suplex hold for 2.  Eww… you can see the bone poking into the skin on Dreamer’s wrist.  RVD covers for 2.  Dreamer fights back.  RVD kicks him, then slams him onto a chair and goes for the split legged moonsault.  Dreamer moves and chair eats it.  RVD hits Dreamer in the head with the ladder.  Dreamer avoids the Five Star Frog Splash and hits a piledriver for 2 despite the ref clearly seeing RVD’s hand under the ropes.  Dreamer sets up RVD in the corner and uses the ladder as a platform.  He goes for a superplex, but ends up getting crotched on the ladder.  Dreamer falls back still trapped in the ladder.  Ouch.  RVD hits a running dropkick using the chair.  The announcers beg RVD to pin Dreamer and end this debacle.  Dreamer avoids the Five Star Frog Splash again and goes for the Spiccoli Driver, but fails.  RVD whips him into the ladder and goes for the Spiccoli Driver, but fails.  Dreamer tries the DDT, but fails and gets dropped across the chair.  RVD hits the Five Star Frog Splash for the pin in 15:56.  What a sloppy mess of a match.  They make up, presumably realizing that the world should not be subjected to having to watch them wrestle each other again.

Christy Hemme interviews Fortune.

Fortune/EV2.0 hype video.

They’ve turned Borash down so low you can barely hear him.

TNA World Television Champion AJ Styles, Beer Money, Kazarian, & Doug Williams of Fortune vs. Rhino, Sabu, Raven, & Stevie Richards, & Brian Kendrick of EV2.0.  Kazarian slaps Kendrick leading to everybody brawling.  Kendrick’s knee gets injured.  Roode hits a spinebuster on Richards for 2.  Kendrick is helped to the back.  It finally breaks down into a tag match as Beer Money double team Richards.  Fortune take turns working over Richards.  He’s the worker of the team, so he has to take the abuse.  Richards catches Kazarian as he goes for Richards’ own superkick and hits him with his own Complete Shot.  Rhino and Storm tag in.  Rhino runs wild.  The other Fortune dudes come in and get their asses kicked.  Rhino goes for the Gore on Storm, but Roode trips him.  Styles hits Rhino with the springboard forearm.  Storm covers for 2.  Roode works over Rhino.  Raven, as he’s done constantly throughout the match, makes random saves.  Rhino takes his turn as the face in peril for a while.  He drops Storm with either a Samoan drop or a half assed TKO.  Styles and Sabu tag in.  Sabu runs wild, looks like crap, and hits a dive on Fortune.  Raven crotches Styles on the top rope.  Sabu goes for a superplex, but Styles fights him off.  Styles goes for the springboard 450, but Sabu avoids it and hits a tornado DDT.  Williams saves.  Everybody hits finishers: Stevie Kick, Axe Guillotine Driver, Evenflow DDT, BEER!  MONEY! double suplex, GORE!  Clusterfuck.  Sabu goes for a tope rope Frankensteiner on Styles, but Styles turns it into the Styles Clash for the pin in 12:04.  Good match.  Ric Flair comes out, praises Fortune, and fires Sabu.  Sabu wants to fight Flair for insulting The Sheik, but is held back.  Flair horribly sings a goodbye song.  RVD and Dreamer come out to say goodbye to Sabu.

Christy Hemme interviews “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero (w/ his congregation, including his brother).  Mickie James and Tara brawl into the interview area.  The congregation break them up.  TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne hits Mickie from behind with the belt.  Madison and Tara scream at Mickie.

Abyss/Pope hype video.

Lumberjack Match: Abyss vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  Pope beats up Abyss and dropkicks him out of the ring.  Abyss gets back in before the Black Panthers can attack him.  Pope beats up Abyss some more.  Abyss throws Pope out of the ring.  Some congregation members catch him and set him down gently.  Back inside, Pope fails a sunset flip, but hits a diving lariat for 2.  Pope clotheslines Abyss out of the ring.  The congregation throw him back in.  Abyss boots Pope in the face and starts beating him up.  Abyss bear hugs Pope.  Pope fights back.  Abyss hugs him again.  Abyss goes for the Black Hole Slam, but Pope turns it into a DDT.  Pope makes his comeback.  This is boring.  Abyss hits the Shock Treatment for 2.  Abyss goes for a chokeslam, but Pope counters and knocks Abyss out of the ring.  He fights off the congregation, but Pope hits him with a dive off the top rope.  Back inside, Pope hits a diving headbutt for 2.  Pope beats up Abyss some more and celebrates with the congregation.  Eric Bischoff comes out and rubs his thumbs and forefingers together as the international sign of money.  Pope’s brother jumps him from behind.  The congregation beat up the Pope.  A fucking swerve just for the sake of doing a fucking swerve.  Pope’s brother throws him back into the ring.  Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam for the pin after a long, boring 12:51.  Boring shit, and of course we have to have a fucking swerve for no reason.  And why do they always wait until late in a match to do the swerve?  What if the match had ended in 2 minutes and you never got the chance to unveil your master plan?

Christy Hemme tries to go into the EV2.0 locker room to talk to Sabu.  Stevie Richards comes out instead and cuts a promo on Fortune.  He challenges AJ Styles to a match on iMPACT!

Jeff Jarrett/Samoa Joe hype video.

Jeff Jarrett comes out and cuts a promo.  He threatens to shut down the show if the fans don’t stop chanting “YOU SOLD OUT!”  He goes to leave, but Joe comes out and chases  him back to the ring.

Jeff Jarrett vs. Samoa Joe.  Joe wins the lock up.  Jarrett tries to take Joe down, but fails.  Jarrett avoids an elbow drop.  Jarrett ducks a kick and gets a schoolboy for 0.  Joe drops Jarrett with a leg lariat.  Joe beats up Jarrett.  Jarrett beats up Joe.  They trade chops.  That’s a battle that Jarrett is not going to win.  And he doesn’t.  Jarrett counters a powerbomb, trips Jarrett, and locks in an ankle lock.  Jarrett does that “running into a guy against the ropes” and “sliding through the ropes and hitting a guy” stuff that I never know how to describe.  Jarrett comes off the top to hit Joe.  It works once, but fails the second time.  Joe gives a primal yell and kills Jarrett with a lariat for 2.  Joe hits a senton splash for 2.  Jarrett hits the Stroke for 2.  Joe hits an Exploder and goes for the Muscle Buster.  He fails that, goes for a superplex, and still fails.  Jarrett pulls Joe’s head across the top rope and hits the Stroke off the middle rope!  Joe kicks out again!  Jarrett gets a chair.  The referee goes out to stop him.  Joe hits them with a tope suicida.  Joe beats up Jarrett in the ring.  Gunner and Murphy come out and get their asses kicked.  Joe gives the little on the Muscle Buster.  Jarrett attacks Joe with a night stick.  Jarrett chokes Joe out with the stick.  Jarrett locks Joe in Joe’s on Coquina Clutch.  The big geek sends the referee back in.  The referee stops the match and awards it to Jarrett in 10:31.  2 fuck finishes in a row.

Highlight video of the show which isn’t over yet.  They really don’t have any faith at all that the main event will be any good, do they?

Christy Hemme interviews Eric Bischoff, who is celebrating with all of the dudes who betrayed The Pope.

Jeff Hardy/Matt Morgan hype video.

Tale of the Tape.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: Jeff Hardy (c) vs. Matt Morgan.  They lock up.  Morgan shoves Hardy.  Hardy bails.  Back inside, Hardy goes for a go behind, but Morgan elbows him in the head.  Hardy sits in the corner and looks sad and befuddled.  Hardy has a flurry of shitty punches, then tries to shoulder block Morgan like an idiot and gets dropped.  Hardy hides in the ropes and gouges Morgan’s eyes.  Hardy tries to beat on Morgan, but Morgan throws him out of the ring.  Hardy wanders around outside.  Morgan challenges him to get back in the ring.  Hardy spits at him.  Morgan follows him out, then back into the ring.  Hardy tries to get in a cheap shot, but fails.  Morgan beats up Hardy on the apron.  Back inside, cover gets 2.  Morgan hits a body slam, but misses a leg drop.  Hardy hits a basement dropkick and starts working Morgan’s leg.  Half assed elbow drop gets 1.  Hardy applies the least painful looking leg lock I’ve ever seen, then transitions into a less ridiculous half crab.  Morgan gets a rope break.  Hardy argues with the referee, then goes back to working Morgan’s leg.  Hardy gets a 2 count off of something, then applies a rear chin lock.  Morgan escapes and makes a comeback.  Morgan hits a discus lariat for 2.  I always pop for that move.  Hardy hits a DDT for 2.  Hardy hits a leg drop, goes to the middle rope, does his brother’s pose, and dives.  Morgan catches him with a chokeslam for 2.  Hardy kicks Morgan in the balls right in front of the referee and doesn’t get admonished.  He hits the Twist of Hate (sic) for 2.  Morgan hits the Carbon Footprint for 2.  Hardy didn’t kick out, the referee just stopped counting after Hardy kind of lightly kicked him in the head.  Morgan argues with him.  Hardy hits another Twist of Hate for 2.  Hardy argues with the referee.  Morgan beats up Hardy in the corner.  Morgan goes for a backdrop suplex off the top, but Hardy fights him off and hits the Whisper In The Wind.  Hardy hits another Twist of Hate for the pin in 13:05.  This was terrible.  Immortal come out to celebrate with Hardy.  There’s confetti and champagne to celebrate this abortion of a main event.  Flair gets iced.  Again.  Seriously.

The show started off good, then fell off a cliff to the point where the last few matches were horrible.  Further evidence that this company is WCW 2.0.

WWE Friday Night Smackdown! 10/1/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 7, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open, new Smackdown open.  The song is awful.  Todd Grisham and Matt Striker are the announcers LIVE from Oklahoma City.  Tony Chimel is the ring announcer.

WWE Intercontinental Championship Match: Dolph Ziggler (c) (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. Montel Vontavious Porter.  They lock up and roll around.  MVP backs Ziggler into the corner.  Ziggler cheap shots MVP behind the referee’s back and hits a nice fireman carry takeover for 2.  Ziggler hits some elbow drops for 2.  Ziggler goes for the sleeper hold, but MVP escapes.  MVP hits rolling Germans and a sliding Yakuza kick for 2.  MVP hits a belly to belly throw that sends Ziggler out of the ring. Justin Gabriel, Heath Slater, David Otunga, & Michael Tarver of The Nexus come out and attack Ziggler to cause the DQ in 1:39.  They take him, then surround MVP in the ring.  MVP starts sluggin’, but gets beaten down.  David Otunga hits his spinebuster.  Justin Gabriel hits the 450 splash.  The Big Show comes out to make the save, but is overcome by superior numbers.  John Cena comes out to make the save and gets beaten down too.  Cena and Show probably would have had a better chance if they would have come out together.  Show comes back with a steel chair, whacks Slater in the back, and sends The Nexus running.  Wade Barrett appears on the screen.  He has a blank faced Teddy Long with him.  He says he’s friends with the President of SyFy, so he can “suggest” matches.  Long announces Big Show vs. The Nexus and Cena vs. Kane for tonight.

Michael Cole has joined Grisham and Striker for commentary.  Ugh.

Tonight, Undertaker vs. CM Punk!

co-Unified WWE Divas Champions Michelle McCool & Layla, Maryse, & Alicia Fox vs. Natalya, Kelly Kelly, & The Bella Twins.  Kelly claps her hands.  Fox kicks her in the stomach.  They do a double clothesline.  Natalya and Maryse tag in.  Natalya hits her with some suplex and a Michinoku Driver II(!) for 2.  Natalya looks awesome here.  She goes for the Sharpshooter, but McCool kicks her in the head.  Bellas land a double dropkick on McCool.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Hornswoggle tries to pull Layla under the ring, then chases her around.  McCool kicks Hornswoggle in the chest.  LayCool hug.  Natalya hits them with a baseball slide dropkick.  Maryse goes for the DDT on Natalya, but Natalya counters and locks in the Sharpshooter for the submission win in 2:35.  Stupid shit, but at least Natalya looked awesome.

Up next, Jack Swagger’s homecoming celebration!

WWE.com plug.  Striker says “for the first time ever, a TV program is moving to the internet.”  Heat and Velocity would say hello if they hadn’t died exactly that way years ago.

Jack Swagger comes out to “Boomer Sooner,” wearing a cape and accompanied by an eagle mascot.  All of his crap is in the ring.  I feel like I’ve seen this segment a hundred times.  He bitches about not getting a parade and a blowjob or whatever people who matter get when they return to their home state.  He gets heat by saying he moved to Texas.  He crowns himself King of Oklahoma.  Edge comes out.  He says he’s on a mission to rid WWE of everything stupid.  He’s my new favorite wrestler.  He talks about all of Swagger’s stupidity.  Swagger hides behind the eagle.  Edge punches the eagle on the beak.  This greatly upsets Swagger.  Edge spears the eagle.

Tonight, Cena vs. Kane in a Lumberjack Match with Nexus as lumberjacks!

Wade Barrett gives The Nexus a pep talk backstage.  They huddle up to talk strategy.

“Dashing” Cody Rhodes gives grooming tips.

Handicap Match: The Nexus vs. The Big Show.  All 5 Nexus guys attack Show.  Show fights back and dumps Slater and Gabriel out of the ring.  They grab his legs while the other 3 beat on him in the corner.  They lock Big Show in a 5-way submission hold (Otunga and Gabriel with cross armbreakers, Tarver and Slater with ankle locks, and Barrett with a headscissors).  The referee stops it and gives Nexus the win in 1:34.  This was entertaining for what it was.  Gabriel hits Show with 2 450 splashes after the match.

Tonight, Rey Mysterio returns!

Moments ago, ^^ happened.  During the commercials, Big Show walked to the back holding his ribs.

Oklahoma City!

Undertaker/Kane video.

CM Punk comes out.  He’ll face The Undertaker NEXT!

Tonight, Cena vs. Kane!

CM Punk vs. The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer).  Punk ducks Taker’s big fist and gets in a flurry early.  Taker grabs him and throws him out of the ring.  Because he has his powers back.  Taker throws Punk into the barricade, then throws him back inside.  Taker hits the APRON LEG DROP~!  I always mark for that move.  Back inside, cover gets 2.  Taker hits Old School.  Punk avoids Taker in the corner, then puts the boots to him.  Punk hits the running knee to the corner followed by the bulldog headlock.  Taker sits up and makes his comeback.  Taker hits Snake Eyes and the big boot, then a leg drop for 2.  Taker hits the chokeslam and the Tombsone Piledriver for the pin in 4:20.  Fun little match.  I’ve hated this Undertaker angle from the start, but this and the stuff last week were awesome.  In a good TV way if not a good wrestling way.

Rey Mysterio returns NEXT!

Tony Chimel introduces Ricardo Rodriguez, who introduces Alberto Del Rio.  Del Rio comes out in his suit.  They show him injuring Christian last week.  He talks.  He introduces Rey Mysterio.  Rodriguez brings out a chihuahua in a mask.  He apologizes to the dog and kisses it.  He says he was just kidding, that Mysterio would be there tonight.  Rey Mysterio Jr. does in fact come out and kick Del Rio’s ass.  Rodriguez grabs Mysterio’s leg to allow Del Rio to escape.  Mysterui beats up Rodriguez and gives him the 619.

WWE Champion Randy Orton comes out!  They show him punting Chris Jericho out of WWE on Raw this past Monday.  WWE Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes & Drew McIntyre come out.  They show Sheamus destroying Great Khali on Raw.  Video clip is unrelated, eh?

Non-Title: WWE Champion Randy Orton vs. WWE Tag Team Champion “Dashing” Cody Rhodes (w/ WWE Tag Team Champion Drew McIntyre).  Legacy EXPLODES!  Again!  Orton beats up Rhodes, who tries to avoid getting hit int he face.  Rhodes drops Orton with a punch, then misses a knee drop.  Orton lands a European uppercut.  Rhodes rolls to the apron.  Orton goes for the DDT OF MURDER, but Rhodes counters.  Orton his the powerslam.  Rhodes bails.  Orton follows.  McIntyre tries to sneak up on Orton.  Orton turns to him, but Rhodes jumps him from behind.  Back inside, Rhodes his a knee drop for 2.  Rhodes stomps Orton in the corner, then locks him in a neck & shoulder lock.  Orton avoids the springboard kick and hits the 3.0, then the RKO for the pin in 2:23.  It was fine while it lasted.  McIntyre tries to give Orton the Future Shock, but Orton counters and drops him with an RKO as well.  Nice burial of the tag champs.  Sheamus appears and attacks Orton.  He has a red glove thingy now because he’s the red hand of Ireland.  Sheamus drops Orton with the pump kick.

Tonight, Cena vs. Kane!

WWE charity work & stuff video package.

Oklahoma City!

World Heavyweight Champion Kane comes out.  The main event is NEXT!

Non-Title Lumberjack Match: World Heavyweight Champion Kane vs. John Cena.  Kane beats up Cena for a while to start and gets a couple of near falls.  Kane throws Cena out of the ring to get beaten up by Nexus.  They have their way with him and throw him back in.  Insta-commercials.  Kane has Cena in a scissored rear chin lock.  Cena fights out, but Kane drops him with a punch.  Kane goes up top.  Cena ducks the diving lariat and makes his comeback.  Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment.  Kane escapes and goes for the chokeslam.  Cena counters and sends Kane outside.  Nexus get on the apron.  Cena knocks Gabriel into Kane.  Kane drops Gabriel and Barrett.  Cena fights off the other 3 and runs away.  The lights go out.  Undertaker appears in the ring and beats up Kane.  The match is a no-contest (about 5 minutes shown).  They brawl in the crowd and back to ringside.  In the ring, Kane catches Taker with a big boot.  Taker sits up.  Paul Bearer is in there now too.  Kane goozles Undertaker.  Bearer holds up the urn, which gives Uncertaker the power to chokeslam Kane.  Taker signals for the Tombstone, but Kane runs away.  Undertaker and Bearer pose.

Fun TV show with good hype for the PPV.  Too bad they didn’t hype the PPV on Raw, which people actually watch.

TNA iMPACT! 9/30/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2010 by Grappleholic

“Last week on iMPACT!…” video.

“Eliminating The Monster”

Kurt Angle talks on the phone, allegedly to Hulk Hogan, as he’s loaded onto his hydraulic stage thingy.

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Kurt Angle comes out to talk.  He say the Impact Zone misses Hogan.  Those mutants might, but I don’t.  He talks for a while and says he’ll take out Abyss tonight in a Steel Cage.  I won’t even get in to how stupid that is.  Abyss comes out through the crowd.  Angle meets him and they brawl.  They brawl moves backstage.  Abyss hits Angle with a ladder.  Angle hits Abyss with a chair.  They keep brawling.  D’Lo Brown, Pat Kenney, Al Snow, and security geeks break it up.

Abyss attacks Kurt Angle again.  Agents and security break them up again.

Lumberjack Match: Beer Money vs. Tommy Dreamer & Rhino.  AJ Styles, Kazarian, Doug Williams, Ric Flair, and Matt Morgan from Fortune and Sabu, Stevie Richards, Raven, Mick Foley, and Brian Kendrick from EV2.0 are Lumberjacks.  Dreamer and Rhino hit the ring and brawl with Beer Money.  It breaks down into a tag match with Rhino and Roode legal.  Roode bails to avoid the Gore and Sabu throws him back in.  Storm drops Rhino with a kick from the apron.  Beer Money beat up Rhino.  Beer Money hit the double suplex and do the BEER!  MONEY!  pose.  Storm throws Rhino outside to get beaten up by Fortune.  EV2.0 come over and Morgan throws Rhino back into the ring.  Rhino continues to play face in peril.  Rhino hits Roode with a belly to belly suplex and makes the hot tag to Dreamer.  Dreamer runs wild.  Dreamer and Storm counter each others’ moves.  Dreamer locks Storm in a crossface.  Roode saves.  Rhino clotheslines Roode to send them both out of the ring.  All of the lumberjacks brawl.  Styles spits something in Dreamer’s face.  Storm hits Dreamer with a Lung Blower for 2.  Lumberjacks continue to brawl.  Storm tries to use the beer bottle, but Dreamer catches him and hits the Spiccoli Driver for the pin in 5:34.  Sabu hits a dive on everybody.  Typical overbooked TNA shit.  Foley calls for everyone to stop fighting and for Flair to get into the ring.  Will it happen NEXT?

Mick Foley and Ric Flair are in the ring.  They talk back and forth for a while.  Foley challenges Flair to a match next week.  Flair beats up Foley’s new book.  Ric Flair is the only man alive who can do silly bullshit like that and have it work.  They each punch themselves in the face to make themselves bleed.  The talk some more.  Foley wants a Last Man Standing Match.  Flair agrees and says he’ll kiss Foley’s ass if he loses.

Backstage, Ken Anderson bitches at Eric Bischoff because Hulk Hogan didn’t call him.  I hate this show.

Tonight, Angle vs. Abyss.  Next, Generation Me vs. Ink Inc.

The Motor City Machine Guns are walking backstage!

Bound For Glory hype.

Ink Inc. vs. Generation Me.  GenMe come out with the TNA World Tag Team title belt they stole last week.  They show a video of said theft.  Moore and Jeremy start with some nice wrestling.  Moore gets the better of the exchange and hits a stupid leg drop around the legs for 2.  Neal and Max tag in.  Ink Inc. double team Max for 2.  Neal lands a dropkick for 2.  Neal avoids a moonsault body block.  Max feigns a knee injury.  Jeremy attacks Neal from behind.  Max comes back in and puts the boots to Neal.  Bucks work over Neal.  Neal ducks a shot and Max accidentally decks Jeremy.  Moore gets the hot tag and runs wild on Max.  Moore hits a spin kick, but Jeremy saves.  Moore hits the Bucks with a double Frankensteiner!  Moore hits a springboard moonsault body block on Max for 2.  All 4 brawl.  Neal accidentally spears the post.  Max kicks Moore in the balls and schoolboys him for the pin in 4:57.  Good little tag match.  The Bucks attack Ink Inc. again after the match.  They set up Neal for the DOUBLE DDT OF MURDER, but the Motor City Machine Guns come out and run them off.

Samoa Joe talks to no one backstage.

Anderson vs. Joe NEXT!

The Motor City Machine Guns yell at Generation Me, who are not present.

Ken Anderson vs. Samoa Joe.  “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero comes out to do commentary.  Sting, and Kevin Nash come out to stand behind him.  Joe powers Anderson to the corner and beats him up.  Anderson grabs a side headlock.  Joe gets out of it and kicks his ass some more.  Anderson fights back.  Joe beats him up again.  Joe hits the face wash in the corner to stop me from being bored with this match for the time being.  Cover gets 2.  Anderson makes his comeback and gets 2 off of a dropkick.  Joe locks in the Coquina Clutch.  Anderson escapes via a jawbreaker, then hits the Mic Check for the pin in 4:00.  Pretty boring match.  Nash carries Sting’s bat to ringside and calls for Joe to “join us!”

During the break, security got between Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash.

Kevin Nash, Sting, and The Pope are in the ring.  They talk about how they know what’s going on and how Bischoff and Hogan are dicks.  Sting was a six-man at Bound For Glory with Sting, Nash, & Pope vs. Hogan, Jarrett, & Joe.  Eric Bischoff and Miss Tessmacher come out.  Bischoff babbles for a while and says Hogan will be there next week.  Ugh.

TNA World Television Champion AJ Styles (w/ Ric Flair) yells at Brian Kendrick, who is not present.  He makes Flair chug a Smirnoff.  Again.

Tonight, Angle vs. Abyss in a Cage!

House shows!

They show Amazing Red beating Jay Lethal for the TNA X Division Championship last Thursday in New York City and Lethal regaining the title on Saturday in Rahway, New Jersey.

Miss Tessmacher tells Madison Rayne and Tara to behave or something.  The Beautiful People come in and bitch at them.  Tessmacher apparently has the power to fire them.  Rayne gives Tessmacher a waiver she signed that allows Tara to wrestle in TNA again.  SHE ALREADY WRESTLED A FUCKING MATCH.  YOU FUCKING MORONS.  I HATE THIS FUCKING COMPANY.  They make a 4-way match for the PPV.  I don’t care.  They all argue and leave.  Tessmacher gets a phone call and agrees to go fuck someone in 20 minutes.

TNA World Television Championship Match: AJ Styles (c) (w/ Ric Flair & Matt Morgan) vs. Brian Kendrick.  Flair rants at the commentary table as the match starts.  They lock up.  Kendrick backs Styles into the corner, breaks, and bows.  Styles attacks Kendrick and grounds him with a side headlock.  Styles avoids a dropkick.  Kendrick avoids Styles in the corner and lands his dropkick.  Kendrick reverses a waist lock and gets a reverse cradle for 2.  Styles hits a backdrop suplex.  Morgan chokes Kendrick behind the referee’s back.  Styles covers for 2.  Styles puts the boots to Kendrick.  Kendrick makes his comeback.  Styles cuts him off with an elbow smash.  Kendrick lands a dropkick and a spinning DDT, then goes up top and dives out of the ring onto Morgan.  Styles goes for a dive, but Kendrick catches him with a kick.  Kendrick goes up top again.  Flair distracts the ref and Morgan crotches Kendrick.  Styles hits the Styles Clash for the pin in 4:24.  Fine little TV match.  These two could have a hell of a match if they were given some time.

Abyss talks to Janice about Kurt Angle, then says he wants his match with RVD at Bound For Glory to be a Monster’s Ball Match.

Congrats to Richard G., who won a free trip to Bound For Glory!  The poor bastard.

Earlier today, Rob Van Dam was outside talking to nobody.

Hype for next week’s live iMPACT!: Before The Glory.

Steel Cage Match: Abyss vs. Kurt Angle.  Angle goes on the attack and kicks Abyss’ ass.  Abyss fights back and beats up Angle.  Angle fights back and beats up Abyss.  Isn’t this exciting?  Angle picks up Janice and throws it over the top of the cage.  Insta-commercials.  Abyss mows down Angle with a big boot.  Abyss throws Angle into the cage.  Angle is BUSTED WIDE OPEN.  Abyss works the cut by pounding on Angle’s head and throwing him into the cage again.  Angle slips of off Abyss’ back and takes out his knee.  Angle hammers Abyss with punches, then hits a frog splash for 2.  Abyss goes for a chokeslam, but Angle rolls through and goes for the ankle lock.  Abyss kicks free and chokeslams Angle for 2.  Abyss counters the Angle Slam and hits the Shock Treatment for 2.  Abyss goes for a diving splash, but Angle avoids it and hits the Angle Slam for 2.  Angle starts to leave through the door, then changes his mind and climbs to the top of the cage.  The show ends.  During the main event.  For the 2nd time in 3 weeks.  About 9 minutes shown.

I fucking hate this company.

WWE Night of Champions 2010

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 23, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open, Night of Champions open, Paper Jamz presents Night of Champions!  Pyro and ballyhoo.  Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and Matt Striker are the announcers LIVE from Chicago!  Well, Rosemont anyway.  Justin Roberts and Tony Chimel are the ring announcers.

Tony Chimel starts to introduce the first match, but Vickie Guerrero and Kaitlyn come out because at least 2 shows per week must begin with Vickie being obnoxious.  She introduces her man, the Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler.

WWE Intercontinental Championship Match: Dolph Ziggler (c) (w/ Vickie Guerrero & Kaitlyn) vs. Kofi Kingston.  Ziggler can lose the title by count-out or DQ.  They lock up.  Crowd is very pro-Kofi.  Kofi gets a takedown.  Ziggler responds in kind.  Kofi goes for the Trouble In Paradise, but Ziggler falls on his ass to avoid it.  Kofi clotheslines Ziggler out of the ring.  Kaitlyn checks on Ziggler, which draws the ire of Vickie.  Vickie sends Kaitlyn to the back.  Ziggler beats the count back into the ring and argues with the referee.  Kofi schoolboys him for 2.  Kofi lands some chops and a dropkick.  Ziggler avoids the pounce in the corner that leads to Kofi’s corner punches.  Ziggler covers for 2.  Ziggler hits a neckbreaker for 2.  Ziggler applies a rear chin lock.  Kofi fights out and hits a flying forearm.  Ziggler boots Kofi in the face for 2.  Ziggler hits an elbow drop for 2.  Ziggler applies a rear chin lock with a body scissors.  Ziggler hits something for 2, then the Perfect neck snap and a prawn hold for 2 more.  Lawler brings up Dolph’s old gimmick of introducing himself to every one.  Ziggler hits the Fameasser for 2.  Ziggler keeps the heat on Kofi.  Elbow drop to the back of the head gets 2 for Ziggler.  Kofi fights out of another rear chin lock and pummels Ziggler with punches.  The referee breaks it up.  Ziggler avoids Kofi in the corner.  Kofi hits the rebound kick and a diving cross body for 2.  Ziggler took that one like a man.  Kofi gets his offense rolling.  They counter each other, then Kofi hits a Thesz press and some mounted punches.  Kofi hits the Boom Drop and signals for the Trouble In Paradise.  Ziggler ducks it and goes for the sleeper, but Kofi counts out.  Kofi hits the S.O.S., but Ziggler gets to the ropes to save his title.  Ziggler bails.  Kofi hits him with a dive off the apron and pounds on him.  Kofi rolls Ziggler back into the ring for 2.  Kofi goes for the S.O.S. again, but Ziggler counters and locks in the sleeper hold.  Kofi gets to his feet and powers out of the sleeper, then locks it on Dolph!  Dolph hits the ropes to escape.  Vickie thinks about slapping Kofi, but Dolph tells her not to, because he’ll lose the title by DQ.  Kofi goes for the Trouble In Paradise.  Dolph avoids it and hits the Zig Zag for the pin in 12:42.  Good match.  Dolph and Vickie celebrate.

Paper Jamz commercial featuring The Miz.

Todd Grisham interviews Edge, who says he will win the WWE Championship tonight.

Chicago!  Man, the Night of Champions music is so epic.

CM Punk comes out and cuts a promo.  Chicago loves their boy.  He talks about how much he loves Chicago, then turns on the crowd to make sure he’s the heel in the match.

CM Punk vs. The Big Show.  Punk throws some kicks.  Show headbutts him.  Punk lands a dropkick.  Show, hardly effected, beats up Punk some more.  Show hits the BIG CHOP and sends Punk out of the ring.  Show follows him out and Punk hits Show with a knee strike from the apron.  Punk hits a slingshot hilo from the inside the ring to the floor!  Back inside, Punk beats on Show.  Show hits him hard in the middle.  Punk hits a diving elbow smash for a 0, a 0, and a 1.  Punk beats Shown down, but can’t hold him down for a pin.  Punk goes for the springboard lariat, but Show cuts him down with the SHOW SPEAR!  Show lands the KO punch for the pin in 4:44.  Fun little match.

Josh Matthews interviews Chris Jericho, who also plans on winning the WWE Championship tonight.

Some National Guard soldiers are in the house!

Miz/Daniel Bryan video package.

WWE United States Championship Match: The Miz (c) (w/ Alex Riley) vs. Daniel Bryan.  Miz runs away to avoid being taken down, then scores a shoulder block.  Bryan goes for the LeBell Lock.  Miz bails and consults with Riley.  Back inside, Bryan hits an arm drag.  Bryan totally whiffs a kick for 1 as the announcers talk about Farmer Burns and Gene LeBell.  Miz pulls Bryan’s arm over the top rope to get the advantage.  Miz works Bryan’s arm.  Miz hits a hammerlock backdrop suplex for 2.  I love that move.  Miz continues cranking on Bryan’s arms.  Bryan gets a backslide for 2.  Miz boots Bryan in the face, then pounds on his shoulder.  Riley stretches Bryan’s arm behind the referee’s back.  Miz hits some arm stunners.  Bryan flips back and lands some forearms.  Miz hits a shoulder breaker for 2.  Miz kicks Bryan to the outside to further injure his arm, then rolls him back inside to cover for 2.  Bryan lands some more forearms and gets booted on the arm.  Miz charges, but Bryan sidesteps him, sends him outside, and lands a tope suicida!  Back inside, Bryan hits a missile dropkick for 2.  Bryan hits something for another 2 count.  Bryan hits a running kick for 2.  They trade punches.  Bryan ducks a shot and lands some kicks on Miz.  The referee forces him back, then Bryan lands a dropkick in the corner.  Bryan hits a Buzzsaw kick for 2.  Bryan tries to set up something on top and gets crotched on the top rope.  Miz hits a clothesline for 2.  Miz goes back to working the arm.  Miz goes for the Skull Crushing Finale, but Bryan counters into a front cradle for 2!  Bryan goes for the LeBell Lock.  Riley gets on the apron to distract Bryan.  Miz accidentally nails Riley.  Bryan gets a reverse cradle for 2.  Miz throws Bryan outside and distracts the referee.  Riley charges, but Bryan sends him into the post.  Inside, Miz gets an inside cradle for 2.  Miz pounds and stomps on Bryan.  The referee bitches at him.  Bryan locks Miz in the LeBell Lock!  MIZ TAPS in 12:28!  BRYAN DANIELSON IS THE WWE UNITED STATES CHAMPION!  Really good match and a fucking AWESOME moment.  Miz cries over his loss.

Josh Matthews interviews John Cena, who is still hated in Chicago.  Typical Cena comedy.

The Bella Twins, Kelly Kelly, Eve Torres, Alicia Fox, Natalya, Jillian Hall, Layla, Tamina, Rosa Mendez, Gail Kim, and Maryse come out to be Lumberjills.

Lumberjill Match to Unify the WWE Women’s Championship and the WWE Divas Championship: WWE Women’s Champion Michelle McCool vs. WWE Divas Champion Melina.  McCool is announced as THE Women’s Champion, so I guess having her name drawn out of a hat makes her the sole champion.  McCool tries to attack Melina during her entrance, but fails.  They lock up and roll out of the ring.  McCool slaps Rosa, then bails back into the ring.  Melina does a crappy headscissors and some kicks.  Melina beats up McCool.  This is awful.  Melina takes a spill to the outside when McCool pulls her hair while Melina was doing some shit on the top rope.  McCool hits a flip neckbreaker for 2.  McCool applies a head scissors.  McCool goes for the Styles Clash, but Melina counters into a facebuster.  McCool hits a belly to belly suplex for 2.  McCool tries to stomp Natalya’s hand, so Natalya tries to pull her out of the ring.  Natayla distracts the referee so he doesn’t see Melina schoolgirl McCool for 2.  McCool goes outside and gets beaten up by the lumberjills.  Back inside, Melina hits a flapjack and a kick, then dropkicks McCool into the ropes and hits a running knee.  She screams.  Ugh.  Melina ducks a kick, but McCool shoves her down anyway.  McCool beats up Melina in the corner and goes for a fucking Frankensteiner or something and they both fall out of the ring.  The lumberjills stand around looking clueless, then they all brawl.  Layla attacks Melina in the ring, but Melina tosses her out.  McCool sneaks in and hits Melina with a big boot for the pin in 6:32.  This was awful, and I don’t care about either of these titles.  LayCool celebrate.  I hate them.

Please, Don’t Try This At Home!

Chicago!

Todd Grisham interviews Wade Barrett, who of course claims he’ll become WWE Champion tonight.

Kane/Undertaker video package.

No Holds Barred Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Kane (c) vs. The Undertaker.  Taker meets Kane in the aisle and they brawl to start the match.  Taker throws Kane off the stage into one of the pillars that try to make the stage look like a Roman coliseum.  This seems to energize Kane, as he comes back and beats up Taker.  Taker responds by choking Kane.  They brawl some more.  Finally at ringside, Kane whips Taker into the steps.  Kane beats up Taker at ringside some more and hits him in the gut with the belt.  They finally get in the ring and Kane hits the diving lariat.  Kane hits a leg drop for 2.  Kane keeps beating up Taker.  They go outside again.  Kane throws the cover of the announce table at Taker.  Taker manages to reverse a whip from Kane, sending him into the steps.  Taker hits the APRON LEG DROP!  Taker boots Kane over the barricade into the timekeeper’s area, then jumps over the barricade to wipe Kane out.  Kane hits Taker in the ribs with a chair.  They brawl in the crowd and back to the ring.  Kane wails on Taker for a long time.  Taker finally lands a punch to a big pop.  They trade punches in the middle of the ring.  Taker ducks a clothesline from Kane and lands his flying clothesline.  Taker hits a splash in the corner and lands some punches.  Taker hits Snake Eyes and the running big boot, then a leg drop for 2.  Taker hits the chokeslam and goes for the Tombstone.  Kane reverses it and Tombstones Undertaker for the pin in 18:29.  I was dreading this match, but it turned out to be a fun brawl.  Taker slowly walks to the back all injured.

Legendary trailer.  Ugh.  It’s already out on DVD next week.

Todd Grisham tries to interview Randy Orton, who just says “no.”

Up next is the RETURN OF TAG TEAM TURMOIL!

Tag Team Turmoil Match for the WWE Tag Team Championship: Champions The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya) and Jimmy & Jey Uso (w/ Tamina) are the first two teams.  Kidd starts with one of the Usos.  I can’t tell them apart anymore.  Kidd shines, then gets double teamed by the Usos.  Smith tags in and runs wild.  Smith goes for the Sharpshooter, but the other Uso pulls his partner to safety.  Kidd hits them both with an Asai moonsault.  Back inside, cover gets 2.  Kidd goes for the Sharpshooter.  The other Uso comes in.  The women fight.  Jimmy kicks Kidd in the head and Jey pins him in 2:10.  Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov are the next team.  Santino runs wild on one of the Usos and hits a falling headbutt.  Other Uso saves.  Kozlov takes him out.  Santino goes for the Cobra.  Tamina gets on the apron to distract him.  Jey hits Santino with a Samoan Drop for the pin in 3:15.  The next team is Mark Henry & Evan Bourne!  Bourne runs wild on the Uso, but gets cut off.  Bourne avoids a corner splash and tags in Henry.  Henry runs wild.  The other Uso tries to attack Henry from the apron and gets knocked off.  Henry hits Jimmy with the World’s Strongest Slam, then tags in Bourne.  Bourne hits the Shooting Star press for the pin in 5:10.  The final team is Cody Rhodes & Drew McIntyre.  McIntyre and Rhodes take turns beating up Bourne.  Bourne fights back, but McIntyre drops him with a short lariat for 2.  McIntyre cranks on Bourne’s arm.  Bourne hits an arm drag to escape.  Rhodes tags in and cuts him off from making the tag.  Rhodes and McIntyre keep the heat on Bourne.  McIntyre applies a rear chin lock.  McIntyre clocks Bourne and sends him outside to get beaten up by Rhodes.  Back inside, McIntyre reapplies his rear chin lock.  McIntyre goes for a suplex, but Bourne knees his way free.  Bourne connects with another knee strike and makes the hot tag to Henry.  Henry beats up Rhodes and knocks McIntyre off the apron.  Henry hits a corner splash and a press slam.  Bourne tags in and climbs onto Henry’s shoulders.  McIntyre cuts them off and gets nailed by Bourne with a kick.  Rhodes hits Bourne with the Cross Rhodes for the pin in 11:42 to win the titles.  Fun match, but the first 3 eliminates were way too rushed.

Alberto Del Rio vignette.

Hype video for the Six-Pack Challenge Match.

Josh Matthews interviews the WWE Champion, Sheamus.

Six Pack Challenge Elimination Match for the WWE Championship: Sheamus (c) vs. John Cena vs. Edge vs. Chris Jericho vs. Wade Barrett vs. Randy Orton.  Everybody brawls.  Sheamus is quickly sent outside and drags Orton out of the ring.  Orton reverses Sheamus into the barricade.  Everybody else gets sent out until it’s just Jericho and Orton.  Jericho beats on Orton.  Cena comes back in and brawls with Jericho.  Cena hits a bulldog on Jericho.  Orton hits the RKO on Jericho for the pin in 1:29.  Jericho is out already!  They kill some time showing Jericho’s look of shock and subsequent walk of shame to the back.  The other 5 guys stand in the ring and watch him.  The other 4 guys surround Barrett and kick his ass, Nexus style.  Edge and Sheamus clothesline Barrett out of the ring.  Cena and Orton attack and throw out Edge and Sheamus, respectively.  Cena and Orton face off.  The heels come back in the rob us of yet another Cena/Orton showdown.  Barrett tries to direct traffic with Sheamus and Edge, so they kick his ass.  Cena totally fucks up a dropkick on Edge.  Orton lands his on Sheamus.  Cena and Orton face off again.  Orton goes for the RKO.  Cena counters and goes for the STF.  Orton counters and goes for the DDT OF MURDER.  Cena counters and goes for the Attitude Adjustment.  More shit happens.  Edge and Orton try to suplex Cena outside, but Barrett prevents it.  Sheamus decks Barrett, then comes inside to cover Cena for 2.  Sheamus beats on Cena.  Sheamus goes back outside to stomp on those guys.  He throws Orton into the barricade.  Back inside, Sheamus hits Cena with a knee strike that looked more like a butt butt to me, but I only caught a glimpse.  Sheamus keeps beating on Cena.  Cena fights back, but gets dropped with an elbow smash.  Sheamus goes for the Razor’s Edge off the top, but Cena counters.  Sheamus goes for a backdrop suplex off the top, but Cena fights him off.  Edge trips Cena off the top, causing Cena to fall on the ropes and injure his knee.  Edge and Sheamus work Cena over and hit a double superplex.  Edge covers for 2.  Cena falls out of the ring.  Sheamus and Edge go outside and beat up Barrett.  They throw him into the barricade, then bring Orton back into the ring.  Sheamus and Edge beat up Orton.  Orton explodes out of the corner and clotheslines them both, then hits Edge with the powerslam.  Sheamus drops Orton, then knocks Barrett off the apron.  Edge hits the Edge-O-Matic on Sheamus.  Sheamus avoids the spear and hits the Irish Curse.  Edge avoids the pump kick and hits the spear.  Cena and Orton come back in.  Everybody goes for finishers.  Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment on Edge for the pin in 15:00.  Barrett makes it back in and pounds on Cena.  Barrett goes for the Wasteland, but Cena counters and goes for the Attitude Adjustment.  Barrett counters into a DDT for 2.  Barrett goes outside to stomp on Sheamus and Orton.  He comes back in and lands some punches.  Cena makes his comeback and goes for the Attitude Adjustment again.  Sheamus prevents it.  Cena locks in the STF on Sheamus.  Sheamus struggles, but reaches the ropes to force the break.  The Nexus run out.  Barrett hits the Wasteland on Cena for the pin in 18:32.  Slater, Gabriel, Tarver, and Otunga beat down Orton and throw him in to Barrett.  Barrett fucks around and taunts him instead of going for the kill.  Nexus surround Orton.  Cena kills 2 of them with chair shots.  Orton RKOs the other 2.  Barrett goes for the Wasteland, but Orton counters into the 3.0.  Orton RKOs Barrett for the pin in 20:32.  Sheamus hits Orton with the pump kick for 2.  Sheamus goes for the Razor’s Edge, but Orton slips out and hits the RKO for the pin in 21:27 to win the title.  Fun match.  Orton celebrates.

Fun show overall.  Every match was at least somewhat good aside from the divas match, which is always going to suck to enforce the laws of nature.

WWE Monday Night Raw 8/9/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 12, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open, Raw open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are the announcers LIVE from Sacramento, California.  Tonight, John Cena & Bret Hart take on Edge & Chris Jericho with The Nexus as Lumberjacks!  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

Bret Hart comes out to cut a promo.  He says he’s been training for SummerSlam, but he’s disappointed to see his team falling apart.  He asks Chris Jericho and Edge to come out.  Jericho comes out expecting Bret to kiss his ass.  Bret says he put his reputation on the line when he vouched for Edge and Jericho to Cena.  He wants them to get their heads out of their asses and rejoin the SummerSlam team.  Jericho refuses, because he’s a prick.  Jericho says Bret just doesn’t want to get beat up by Edge and Jericho tonight.  He runs down Bret some more, then Edge comes out.  Edge talks to Jericho about how they both idolized Bret as a kid, then tells Bret they can count on him.  Edge tries to cheap shot Bret, but Bret trips him and goes for the Sharpshooter.  Jericho pokes Bret in the eye and Edge and Jericho make their escape.  Natalya comes out and pleads with Bret.  They show the Nexus beating the shit out of The Hart Dynasty backstage.  Bret and Natalya run to the back.  This was a good segment except for the part where Bret STILL CAN’T DO ANYTHING PHYSICAL, SO WHY THE FUCK IS HE OUT THERE?  Commercials.

Bret, Natalya, and the trainers check on the Hart Dynasty.  Bret is ready to go fuck somebody up, but John Cena shows up to calm him down.  Cena says he’s going to talk to Great Khali.

Non-Title: WWE United States Champion The Miz vs. Evan Bourne.  They lock up.  Bourne has a black eye.  Miz beats up Bourne.  Miz chokes Bourne against the middle rope for 2.  Isn’t that grounds for being fired?  Miz applies a rear chin lock.  Bourne fights out.  Miz hits the corner clothesline for 2.  Miz goes back to the rear chin lock.  Miz goes for a suplex, but Bourne knees his way out.  Bourne lands some kicks.  Bourne hits a sweet rebound Frankensteiner for 2.  Miz hits a lariat that Bourne does a 360 flip for.  Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale for the pin in 3:59.  Good little match.  It’s a shame that they completely kiboshed Bourne’s push, though.  Miz says when he gets ready to cash in his Money In The Bank contract, he’ll be WWE Champion.

John Cena talks to Great Khali.

Tonight, Cena & Bret vs. Edge & Jericho with the Nexus as Lumberjacks!  Commercials!

Slam of the Week: Melina returning to take out Alicia Fox last week after the six-woman tag.

Non-Title: Melina vs. WWE Divas Champion Alicia Fox.  Melina tries to lock up, but Fox powers her into the corner and beats on her.  Melina fights back and beats on Fox.  Melina hits her modified Stroke thing, then sends Fox outside.  Fox clotheslines Melina on the outside.  Back inside, Fox covers for 2.  Fox hits a half assed tilt a whirl backbreaker for 2.  Fox applies a rear chin lock and knees Melina in the back.  Melina fights back.  Fox locks in a Canadian backbreaker.  Melina screams and hits the Code Red for the pin in 3:38.  They tried, but it wasn’t pretty.

Josh Matthews interviews Great Khali.  He says he’s with WWE, then babbles in Khalese.  He wants somebody named Red Berry in a match tonight.  Matthews interprets it as “Wade Barrett.”  Commercials.

During the break, Michael Cole got an email from the iBooker 9000 announcing Melina vs. Alicia Fox for the Divas Championship at SummerSlam.  Ugh.  Also, Barrett will face Khali tonight.

Tonight, Divas wrestle in swimsuits!  Less interestingly, Sheamus calls out Randy Orton.

Edge and Jericho talk backstage.  Jericho thinks they’ve made a mistake.  Edge says they’ve survived everything else that has happened over the last 10 years.  Jericho says they should take out Cena and Bret tonight, because for some reason, The Nexus not having a match at SummerSlam protects them.

John Morrison and R-Truth talk.  Mark Henry says he’ll be a replacement on the SummerSlam team.

The Nexus watch TV!  Commercials!

Million Dollar Champion Ted Dibiase Jr. (w/ Maryse) and Mark Henry come out for their match, but the Nexus show up and jump Mark Henry.  They send him into the steps, then run out through the crowd.  Henry is KTFO’d.

WWE Champion Sheamus is headed our way!  Commercials.

WWE Rewind: Randy Orton vs. The Miz from last week.

WWE Champion Sheamus comes out.  He gives the usual pussy cop out answer that he was scared of what he’d do to Orton.  They show a video package of Sheamus destroying people.  He babbles some more and calls out Randy Orton.  Orton comes out and calls him out on his pussy cop out line.  They banter back and forth.  Orton challenges Sheamus to fight.  Cole gets an email from the iBooker 9000 saying that if anyone interferes in the title match at SummerSlam, they will be suspended indefinitely.  Also, it’s Orton’s last title shot at Sheamus.  The iBooker also challenges Sheamus to stop being a pussy and fight Orton.  Sheamus teases taking a shot, but tries to leave.  Orton attacks Sheamus and goes for the pump kick, but Orton hits the 3.0.  Orton goes for the PUNT OF DOOM, but stops short and lets Sheamus live.  Orton holds up the belt, throws it back to Sheamus, and leaves.

Tonight, Cena & Bret vs. Edge & Jericho with the Nexus as Lumberjacks!  Commercials!

SummerSlam song plug.

Kaval, Percy Watson, & Lucky Cannon vs. Michael McGillicutty, Alex Riley, & Husky Harris.  Sheamus is still sitting at ringside for some reason.  Watson and McGillicutty start.  Watson drops him with an elbow for 2.  McGillicutty lands a dropkick and tags in Riley.  Riley puts the boots to Watson in the corner.  Riley locks Watson in a rear chin lock.  Watson drops Riley with an enzuigiri and makes the tag to Kaval.  Kaval runs wild on Riley.  Kaval locks Riley in the Dragon Clutch on the ropes, then hits the Tidal Crush for 2.  Cannon takes out McGillicutty with a dive.  Kaval hits the double stomp on Riley.  Harris blind tags in and hits Kaval from behind.  Harris hits Kaval with the senton splash for the pin in 3:02.  Fine little TV match.  Sheamus attacks Cannon and McGillicutty at ringside, then hits the Razor’s Edge on Kaval.  Sheamus says he was sending a message, presumably that he’s not a coward.  Naturally, Kaval is made to look like the biggest jobber of the bunch.

John Morrison & R-Truth are headed our way!  Commercials.

Tonight, Great Khali vs. Wade Barrett!

John Morrison & R-Truth vs. William Regal & Zack Ryder.  Regal and Ryder work over Truth.  Morrison gets the hot tag and runs wild.  Morrison hits a sweet one man Spanish Fly on Ryder, but Regal saves.  Truth takes out Regal.  Morrison hits Ryder with the Flying Chuck and the Starship Pain for the pin in 2:11.  At least they squashed Ryder instead of Regal.

Cole and Lawler hype the SummerSlam card.

Divas in swimsuits are NEXT!  Commercials.

Divas Summertime Spectacular: Maryse & Jillian Hall vs. Eve Torres & Gail Kim vs. The Bella Twins.  Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov are the special guest referees.  The girls come down a water slide in the entryway.  Maryse puts her hate on Eve’s face, so Eve kicks her ass.  One of the Bellas tags in and gets worked over by Maryse and Jillian.  The other Bella gets the tag and runs wild on Jillian.  Basement dropkick gets 2.  Eve hits a neckbreaker drop on a Bella.  Gail puts a lifesaver thing on Maryse and hits the Eat Defeat.  Jillian throws Gail outside onto Eve.  Nikki Bella hits a diving cross body on Jillian for the pin in 2:51.  Typical divas/comedy match.  At least it’s out of the way now.  Tamina comes out.  She seems to have a thing for Santino… or she just wants to threaten him.  She slaps him on the ass, so I guess she likes him.

SummerSlam Recall: The Big Boss Man vs. The Mountie in a Jailhouse Match at SummerSlam ’91.  The Mountie lost and had to spend the night in a New York City jail!

Great Khali is headed our way!  But wait!  The Nexus jump him and take out his knee!  Commercials.

The Nexus come out.  Barrett says his match with Khali has been canceled.  He talks about The Nexus gaining power.  Sheffield talks about taking people out.  Otunga warns anyone else against joining Team WWE.

John Cena and Bret Hart come across The Miz backstage.  Miz assumes that they were going to ask him to join Team WWE.  They ask him if he’s in.  He says he’ll let them know Sunday.  The main event is next.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Next week, Justin Long will be the guest host!  Sweet!  I actually like that guy.

Lumberjack Match: Edge & Chris Jericho vs. John Cena & Bret Hart.  The Nexus are lumberjacks.  Edge beats up Cena to start.  Cena takes Edge down with a side headlock after Bret decks Edge from the apron.  Edge escapes and throws Cena outside to the Nexus.  They put the boots to him and throws him back in.  Jericho tags in and… throws Cena out to Nexus, where the put the boots to him and throws him back in.  Repeat.  Jericho tries to do it a third time, but Cena reverses him outside.  The Nexus don’t attack Jericho, they simply let him back in.  Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment.  Jericho counters and goes for the Walls of Jericho.  Cena reverses it, misses a shoulder block, and falls outside.  He escapes The Nexus, but Jericho accidentally clocks Barrett.  Cena knocks Jericho outside and The Nexus kick his ass.  Edge tries to help, but gets his ass kicked too.  Bret brings Gabriel in the ring and beat him up, but The Nexus pull him to safety.  The Nexus huddle to talk strategy, then go after Cena and Bret.  Morrison and Truth run out to help.  The match is a no-contest in about 4 minutes.  Jericho and Edge come back to rejoin Team WWE.  They face off and brawl.  The crowd goes crazy.  Team WWE cleans house and the Nexus bail through the crowd.  Team WWE stands tall!

Fine show here.  They did a great job of promoting SummerSlam.