Archive for Lilian Garcia

WWE Monday Night Raw 4/19/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 19, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open.  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler welcome us LIVE to the Izod Center in East Rutherford, New Jersey as Triple H makes his way to the ring.  Lilian Garcia is back as ring announcer for tonight!

Triple H talks about the volcano in Iceland, leaving the Raw roster stranded in Europe.  He cuts a promo on Sheamus, then the Straight Edge Society comes out.  CM Punk insults New Jersey, which gets a heel reaction from the crowd and a babyface pop from me.  Punk says if he gets drafted to Raw, he’s bring the Straight Edge Society with him.  Triple H responds, “Both of them?”  They insult each other some more.  Triple H talks about freedom and poses with some goofy fans.  They banter some more, then the hair club jumps Triple H, with the intent of shaving his head.  Rey Mysterio makes the save.  He and Triple H knock Gallows out of the ring.  Triple H holds Mysterio while Punk cuts off a lock of Punk’s hair.  Gallows saves Punk from getting a proper haircut and the SES bails.

Tonight, the guest hosts are the casts of MacGruber.  I don’t know who any of those people are.

We’ll hear from the WWE Champion John Cena next! plug.

Non-Title: WWE Intercontinental Champion Drew McIntyre vs. Matt Hardy.  Ugh, this match again?  They do some shit, then they do some shit outside.  The come inside and do some more shit.  Hardy gets blinded somehow, but hits the Side Effect for 2.  Hardy hits a neckbreaker for 2.  They counter each others’ finishes, then conk heads and knock each other loopy.  Hardy goes to the middle rope.  McIntyre pulls him off and gets the pin in 3:04.  This sucked.

Cole and Lawler talk about the volcano situation.

We get a promo VIA SATELLITE from Belfast, Northern Ireland from WWE Champion John Cena.  He says he’ll be at Extreme Rules if he has to swim across the Atlantic.  That = Many buys.


KFC Double Down Showdown: Last week, Vladimir Kozlov told Carlito he was going to destroy MacGruber.

Vladimir Kozlov is in the ring.  He says he’s been treated unfairly.  He wants Lawler to read his prepared statement.  Lawler reads that Kozlov is protesting his unfair treatment, wants competition, etc. etc.  It turns into a heel promo on New Jersey.  Kozlov again demands competition.  The MacGruber goobers come out IN CHARACTER.  MacGruber (Will Forte) has Vicki St. Elmo (Kristen Wiig) read a prepared statement.  She announces the main event of Punk, Gallows, and Chris Jericho vs. Triple H, Mysterio, and Edge.  Forte cuts a pro-New Jersey promo.  MacGruber talks shit to Kozlov.  He talks about Kozlov’s mom’s uterus.  Kozlov wants to destroy MacGruber.  MacGruber books him against R-Truth instead.  The pyro blows up R-Truth on the ramp.  Kozlov says he’ll destroy MacGruber tonight.  If he does, he’s gonna be the biggest babyface in the world as far as I’m concerned.

A Randy Orton promo is NEXT!

MacGruber tries to escape the building.  Triple H finds him and points out that MacGruber wet himself.  MacGruber says his “friend” wet his pants and he volunteered to wear them.  Kane shows up.  MacGruber said Kane is the friend.  Really?  Fucking really?  This is the most retarded fucking show ever.

Randy Orton promo LIVE VIA SATELLITE!

World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger is BACKSTAGE!

Slam of the Week: Jack Swagger beat Edge and Chris Jericho to retain the World Title last week on Smackdown.

Lilian introduces the World Champion, Jack Swagger.  He cuts a promo on Randy Orton, then issues an open challenge.  Nobody comes out.  Swagger starts to leave, then the GONG sounds!

Non-Title: World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger vs. The Undertaker.  Swagger tries to avoid contact, but dominates when they lock up.  Taker comes back and attacks Swagger’s arm.  Old School.  They brawl outside the ring.  Swagger sends Taker’s knee into the steps.  Back in the ring, Swagger goes to work on the knee.  Taker rallies and hits the APRON LEG DROP!  “VINTAGE UNDERTAKER!”  Taker hits a snap suplex for 2, then clamps on a rear chin lock.  Taker clamps on a guillotine.  Commercials!  Swagger works a leg hold.  Taker kicks him away.  Swagger shoots for a take down and keeps working the leg.  Taker finally manages to kick Swagger out of the ring.  Bad move.  Swagger grabs Taker’s leg and wraps it around the ring post.  After some more leg work, Taker makes it to his feet and they trade punches.  Swagger kicks the bad leg.  Taker drops him with a DDT for 2.  Taker hits Snake Eyes, the big boot, and a leg drop for 2.  Taker goes for the chokeslam, but Swagger fights out, then eats Taker’s boot.  Swagger catches Taker with a wrap around DDT for 2.  Swagger goes for the springboard Vader Bomb, but Taker catches him by the throat and hits the chokeslam.  Undertaker hits the Tombstone for the pin in 15:47.  Really good match, but I was really hoping Swagger would get a win here.  It would have done a lot towards making him mean something.

The six-man main event is TONIGHT!

MacGruber trailer.  It looks funny, even if I hate this show.

Chris Jericho talks to the Straight Edge Society.  Punk has a towel wrapped around his head.  Jericho runs into MacGruber and the chick.  He was in the movie too.  Jericho makes fun of him.  MacGruber asks him for advice for the match tonight.  Jericho tells him to shake Kozlov’s hand and cheap shot him.

Something is NEXT!

Kozlov is in the ring.  They show the most retarded segment ever from earlier.

Vladimir Kozlov vs. MacGruber (w/ Vicki St. Elmo).  Yes, they’re really doing this.  MacGruber slaps Kozlov.  Kozlov gives him the battering ram headbutts.  Kozlov sets up his chokeslam move.  Ryan Phillippe from the movie comes out and says the match is now a handicap match.  MacGruber’s partner is his half brother… Khaluber.  Great Khali comes out.  MacGruber bails.  Khali beats up Kozlov.  Kozlov bails.  Khali pursues him.  MacGruber and Kaluber win by count-out in 3:16.  MacGruber puts over America and plugs the movie.  Fuck this shit.

The DRAFT is next week!  Draft MacGruber to the volcano.

John Cena/Batista video package, then hype for the Extreme Rules card.

Triple H heads to the ring for the main event.  Sheamus appears on the screen LIVE VIA SATELLITE, talks some shit, and beats up a production guy.  Commercials!

Triple H, Edge, & Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. Chris Jericho, CM Punk, & Luke Gallows (w/ Serena).  Edge is selling the leg injury from Smackdown.  Mysterio and Jericho start, which never fails to be awesome.  All the heels are quickly sent outside.  Edge whips Mysterio to Triple H, who backdrops him out of the ring and onto the heels.  Commercials!  The heels get heat on Mysterio.  Never saw that one coming, did you?  Mysterio ironically hits Jericho with a Lionsault body block for 2.  Tags to Edge and Gallows.  Edge runs wild and sets up the spear.  Gallows distracts the ref.  Jericho attacks Edge’s leg again from the outside.  The heels work over Edge’s injured ankle.  Triple H gets the hot tag and kicks Punk’s ass.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Punk takes the 619 and the Pedigree in short order.  Triple H gets the pin in 11:01.  Petty good main event.

Two really good matches save this show from being completely worthless, but the stupid comedy still pissed me off.  Seriously, whoever thought those MacGruber segments were a good idea should be fed to the volcano.