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TNA iMPACT! 12/9/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2010 by Grappleholic

Video package of recent goings on.

“Immortal Ups The Ante”

Earlier Today: Eric Bischoff bitches at Immortal in the office.  Present are Ric Flair, AJ Styles, Kazarian, Beer Money, Gunner & Murphy, Jeff Jarrett, and Abyss.  Bischoff demands that they win championships.  He bitches at Styles for losing the TV title at the PPV.  Rhino comes in asking for his new contract.  Bischoff writes “NO!” on a sheet of paper.  Poor Rhino.  He goes after Bischoff, but is jumped by Immortal.

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

The aforementioned members of Immortal come out to the ring.  Bischoff introduces TNA World Heavyweight Champion Jeff Hardy, who comes out to his awful music, carrying his disgustingly ugly belt.  The crowd hates on this shit.  Bischoff gets butt hurt.  He puts over Matt Morgan and asks for him to come out.  Morgan does indeed come out, carrying a lead pipe for backup.  Bischoff promises fair play and kisses Morgan’s ass some more.  He blames Mr. Anderson’s refereeing for Morgan losing the match.  Bischoff books Morgan vs. Anderson in a #1 Contender Match.  Morgan says Anderson still isn’t cleared to wrestle.  Bischoff doesn’t care.  He says if Anderson doesn’t wrestle, he’s gone.

Ken Anderson is watching TV backstage!

iMPACT! open.  15 minutes into the show.

Tonight, Tara performs music.  Jeff Jarrett issues an open MMA challenge.  Doug Williams defends the TV title against Abyss.

Brother Ray cuts a promo to no one in particular backstage.  He has a fake Devon.

They show Taylor Wilde & Hamada beating Velvet Sky & Lacey Von Erich for the TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship months ago, then announce that the titles have been vacated because Hamada couldn’t make it into the country.  What really happened is they released her without having her come in to drop the belts, because they’re retarded.  Tonight, a tournament for the vacant title begins, with Sarita & Daffney (random) against the Beautiful People.

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

The New Team 3D(?) vs. Ink Inc.  “3D” jump Ink Inc. before the bell.  It settles down into Bubba beating up Moore.  “Devon” tags in and continues beating up Moore.  “Devon” hits an elbow smash for 2.  Bubba tags in.  Moore tries a sunset flip.  Bubba tries to sit on him, but Moore avoids certain death.  “Devon” tags in, slams Moore, and goes for a headbutt, per Bubba’s instructions.  Moore avoids it and makes the hot tag to Neal.  Neal runs wild on the fake Devon and decks Bubba for good measure.  Neal hits a face plant thing for 2.  Moore hits a leg drop.  Neal covers, but Bubba saves.  Clusterfuck ensues.  “3D” hit the WASSUP headbutt on Neal.  Bubba tells “Devon” to get the tables.  Why do they do that in standard matches when they would be DQ’d?  They set up a table.  Ink Inc. make their comeback and hit the TKO/blockbuster on “Devon.”  Neal gets the pin in 4:40.  Pointless crap.  Bubba attacks “Devon” and set up a powerbomb through the table.  The real Brother Devon runs out to make the save.  Bubba runs away and hides behind So Cal Val again.

Tara sings horribly backstage.  She wants Generation Me to take their shirts off and be her backup dancers.

Matt Morgan asks Christy Hemme where Mr. Anderson is.  She doesn’t know.  Of course.

Tara lip syncs her entrance music while Generation Me dance like gay strippers who don’t know how to dance.  Tara dances like a tard to add to the hilarity.  Mickie James finally appears and attacks her.  GenMe hold her to Tara can hit her.  Eric Young makes the save and runs GenMe off.  Mickie and Tara roll down the ramp.  The music is still playing.  Security geeks  break them up with much difficulty.  Mickie challenges Tara to a Steel Cage Match TONIGHT!  Tara agrees.  Then they try to fight again through the security geeks.  Ugh.

Beer Money give Gunner & Murphy a pep talk backstage.  Roode gives Storm money to buy beer.

Tonight, Williams vs. Abyss!  Next, Gunner & Murphy against the Machine Guns!

Jeff Jarrett talks to no one in particular backstage.

Non-Title: Gunner & Murphy vs. TNA World Tag Team Champions The Motor City Machine Guns.  Beer Money come out to do commentary.  Gunner and Murphy jump the Guns from behind.  They get the heat on Shelley.  Sabin gets the hot tag and runs wild.  The Guns go for the Skull & Bones on Murphy.  Gunner hits Sabin with a nightstick to cause the DQ in 3:39.  The Guns beat the shit out of Gunner & Murphy with their own nightsticks.

The Beautiful People are doing their makeup.  Of course.  Winter comes in to wish Angelina good luck.  Velvet doesn’t know who she is, because she apparently never watches the TV show.

Sarita & Daffney are headed our way!

Matt Morgan and Mr. Anderson chat backstage.  Anderson says he’s going to wrestle.  They argue about concussions.  It goes on for way too long.

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship Tournament – Semifinal: Sarita & Daffney vs. The Beautiful People.  Sarita cuts a promo on Velvet before the match.  Velvet spears her to start the match, then does that head push into the mat crap.  Velvet gets a schoolgirl for 2.  Velvet hits a face plant for 2.  Velvet applies a Fujiwara armbar of all things.  Daffney distracts Velvet, allowing Sarita to gain the advantage and talk shit.  Daffney tags in and hits a delayed body slam, then steps on Velvet’s face.  Cover gets 2.  Sarita tags in and taunts Velvet some more.  Velvet fights back.  Double clothesline spot.  Tags to Angelina and Daffney.  Angelina runs wild and hits the Flatliner for the pin in 3:23.  This sucked.  Sarita talks more about Velvet being unable to beat her.  She’s a horrible promo and her dance is obnoxious.

Some dudes carry a casket around backstage.

Tara/Mickie James video package.  Tonight, they meet in a cage!

Highlights of the Abyss/Pope Casket match at Final Resolution.

The “some dudes” I mentioned earlier carry out a casket.  The casket opens and music plays.  A church choir comes out and dances around the casket.  The Pope speaks from somewhere.  He says he’s had a spiritual awakening.  He babbles about Christmas trees and begs for donations, because he’s pimpin’.  The dancing choir leaves.

AJ Styles gives Abyss a pep talk backstage.

Tonight, Mickie vs. Tara in a cage!  Next, Abyss vs. Williams!

House shows.

Footage from TNA’s visit to Abu Dhabi.

Mickie James talks to no one in particular backstage.  You can hear Eric Bischoff ranting in the background.  I’m pretty sure it’s his opening promo.  So Mickie was cutting a promo about this match before it was booked.  Keep that great continuity going, TNA.

TNA World Television Championship Match: Doug Williams (c) vs. Abyss.  They lock up.  Abyss shoves Williams away.  Repeat.  Williams tries to whip Abyss, but fails.  Williams lands a dropkick and some punches in the corner.  Williams applies a cravat.  He lets it go like an idiot and charges into a big boot.  Abyss frightens the referee out of the ring and beats on Williams.  Abyss cranks Williams’ neck.  The referee is back in now.  Williams tries a sunset flip, then avoids getting squashed.  Exactly the same spot somebody did in an earlier match.  Williams makes his comeback and hits a diving European uppercut for 2.  Williams goes for the Chaos Theory.  Abyss rips off a turnbuckle pad to avoid it.  Abyss back body drops Williams and charges the corner.  Williams avoids it and Abyss hits the exposed turnbuckle.  Williams gets a schoolboy for the pin in 3:40.  I thought the finish was kind of neat.  AJ Styles jumps Williams from behind and gives him the Styles Clash on the ramp.  How dastardly!

Jeff Jarrett is headed our way!

Tara talks to no one in particular backstage.  Generation Me say they want Eric Young & Orlando Jordan next week.  I dread that.

Jeff Jarrett comes out to cut a promo and gets butt hurt by the “YOU SOLD OUT!” chants.  He cuts his promo and issues and issues a “Double J Double M A Challenge” to the audience, for $100,000.  Jeremy Borash selects a jacked looking dude.  Jarrett accuses him of being on the gas.  He also refuses a fat guy.  Jarrett selects a skinny geek.  The guy’s name is Mike, from Brooklyn.  Jarrett makes fun of him and slaps him

$100,000 MMA Challenge: Jeff Jarrett vs. Mike.  Jarrett lands some knees, then stomps Mike.  Crowd chants “LET’S GO MIKE!”  Jarrett applies a rear naked choke for the win in 41 seconds.  Yeah…

A steel cage is headed our way!  Mickie vs. Tara is NEXT!

Rob Van Dam video package.

Steel Cage Match: Mickie James vs. Tara.  Of course, since it’s a STEEL CAGE MATCH, they start by brawling outside.  They finally get in the cage to start the match.  Insta-commercials 6 seconds in.  Tara hits a fancy spinning rack drop for 2.  THOSE FUCKING MUTANTS ARE DOING ALTERNATING CHANTS AGAIN.  Grr.  Mickie makes a comeback.  Mickie hits a basement dropkick for 2.  Tara sends Mickie into the turnbuckle, then hits a snap suplex into a front face lock.  Mickie fights out.  Tara beats her up.  Mickie goes for a rana, but fails and gets kicked in the face.  Mickie fights back and rams Tara’s head into the turnbuckle.  Mickie hits a half assed rana off the top rope.  Ugly looking bump for both of them.  Tara revives first and beats up Mickie.  Tara tries to escape through the door.  Mickie stops her and beats on her.  The show ends.  Of course.

Typical crap.  I’m glad it’s over.

TNA iMPACT! 10/21/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 26, 2010 by Grappleholic

“Last week on iMPACT!…” video.

“Rob Van Damned!!!”

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Ken Anderson comes out with his arm in a sling.  He calls out Jeff Hardy.  Rob Van Dam comes out instead and tells Anderson to wait in line, because he wants Hardy.  Jeff Hardy appears on the screen and cuts another retarded promo with stupid camera effects.  Eric Bischoff comes out.  He says that he’s going to explain this whole stupid angle on Reaction.  He books Anderson vs. Kazarian in an Ultimate X Match tonight, and Anderson gets a title shot of he wins.  He also books RVD & Sabu vs. Beer Money, and implies that there is someone in EV2.0 who wants to join Immortal.  At least that’s a better name than Team Hogan.

iMPACT! open.

Tonight, Sarita vs. Mickie James!  Beer Money vs. RVD & Sabu!  Anderson vs. Kazarian in an Ultimate X Match!

Stupid Robbie E. and Cookie outside of the venue interview.  Commercials.

D’Lo Brown tries to calm down RVD as he barges into the EZV2.0 locker room.  He accuses Stevie Richards, Sabu, and Tommy Dreamer of being moles.  Raven says something, so RVD chokes him.  Dreamer, Richards, Sabu, Rhino, and Brown pull them apart.

Last week, TNA pissed away $15,000 bringing in some Jersey Shore bimbo that nobody’s ever heard of to get into a cat fight with Becky Bayless.  They’re so proud, they’re showing it again.  They show more of the retarded interview from earlier.  I hate this shit.

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Amazing Red vs. Robbie E. (w/ Cookie).  They show that motherfucking JWoww segment AGAIN before the match.  Robbie beats up Red.  Red fights back and hits a flying headscissors.  Red lands an enzuigiri for 2.  Robbie counters a diving cross body, dances like a tard, and hits an Ace Crusher for the pin in 1:40.  Ugh.  Robbie says he wants the X Division.  Crowd chants “BORING.”  Cookie says the same fucking catchphrase she says every week.  Is this gimmick supposed to suck?  If it does, then bravo, TNA.

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero cuts a promo at a strip club.  He wants to fight AJ Styles, but first he wants to watch this chick shake her ass in his face.  Commercials.

They show Mick Foley at a book signing.  Brian Kendrick asks confusing literary questions.

Fortune chat amongst themselves backstage.  Flair gets iced.  Again.  Bischoff comes in and tells them that Fortune is banned from interfering in Styles’ street fight against Pope.  If they do, Pope will win the title by DQ.  In a fucking street fight.

The Beautiful People put makeup on.  Just like they do every fucking time we see them.  Miss Tessmacher comes in and asks them to teach her how to wrestle.  Why doesn’t she ask someone who actually knows how to wrestle?  They blow her off.  Velvet and Lacey leave.  Katie Lea Burchill appears behind Angelina.  Her name is Winter now.  Velvet and Lacey come back.  Winter has disappeared.  So they’re doing the invisible person gimmick again.  Commercials.

Street Fight for the TNA World Television Championship: AJ Styles (c) vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  Pope’s money doesn’t tall down during his entrance.  Tenay and Taz blame Immortal.  They show Pope getting beaten by Fortune last week.  It appears I was mistaken.  Styles challenges Pope to fight him on the stage, so they fight on the stage and down to ringside.  Pope catapults Styles into the post.  Pope chokes Styles with his fist tape.  They make it into the ring.  Styles kicks Pope in the balls.  Styles beats up Pope.  Pope fights back.  Styles rakes his eyes.  Pope throws a punch and Styles flinches.  Pope nails him with another punch for 2.  Styles sends Pope outside.  Pope avoids a dive and hits a clothesline.  Pope takes Styles back into the ring.  Abyss appears and attacks Pope.  Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam.  Styles slaps Abyss on the ass, then pins Pope in 5:56.  Retarded shit.  Bischoff and Fortune come out.  Bischoff asks mad, then gives a thumbs up.  I reiterate: retarded shit.

Earlier tonight, Sarita cut a promo in what looks like a classroom.

The Pope bumps into Samoa Joe backstage.  They have words.  Pope wants them to fight together.  Joe isn’t going to fall into that trap again.  At least until next week or so.

Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair are in the office.  Bischoff was on the phone with Hogan.  He hangs up, then they watch TV.

Tenay and Taz talk.

Team 3D video.  I fast forward.

The Motor City Machine Guns throw a football around while Velvet Sky stands around.  Generation Me show up and take their football.  The Guns deck them.  Sabin doesn’t answer the annoying guy who asks if they’ll accept 3D’s challenge.

Jeff Jarrett bitches about Kurt Angle.  Joe cuts a cool promo on Jarrett.

Jeff Jarrett is headed our way!  He says he’ll apologize to Kurt Angle NEXT!  Commercials.

Jeff Jarrett comes out to the ring.  Crowd chants “YOU SOLD OUT!”  He apologizes to Kurt Angle… for not beating him up more!  SWERVE~!  He goes on this his promo until Samoa Joe comes out.  Gunner and Murphy jump Joe in the aisle.  They handcuff him so Jarrett can beat the shit out of him like they did to Angle last week.  Joe locks Jarrett in the choke despite being handcuffed.  Gunner and Murphy break it.  Jarrett throws Joe off the ramp.  Tenay yells at Jarrett.  I hope this leads to Jarrett replacing the announcers.  Jarrett looks down at Joe, who fell 8 or so feet.  Commercials.

House shows!

Moments ago, ^^ happened.

Beer Money vs. Rob Van Dam & Sabu.  RVD and Storm lock up.  Storm grabs a side headlock.  They counter each others’ hip toss attempts.  RVD knees Storm in the face.  Sabu tags in.  They hit the Whisper In The Wind on Storm.  RVD drops Storm with a kick.  Sabu covers for 2.  Roode tags in and brawls with Sabu.  Sabu hits the shittiest clotheslines this side of Jeff Hardy while Tenay and Taz bicker.  Beer Money get the heat on Sabu.  Sabu comes back and hits Storm with a springboard tornado DDT.  RVD and Roode tag in.  RVD wins wild.  He backdrops Sabu into a moonsault on Roode, then hits another standing moonsault for 2.  They hit a Rolling Thunder/splash combo.  Storm saves.  Sabu takes him outside.  Roode hits the spinebuster on RVD for 2.  Beer Money go for the DWI, but RVD escapes.  Storm accidentally spits beer at Roode.  RVD schoolboys him for 2.  Sabu brings in a chair and accidentally hits RVD with it.  Roode pins RVD in 5:25.  Okayish I guess.  Neither RVD or Sabu looked good here.  RVD is pissed.  Sabu tries to explain himself.  They tease fighting and lock up.  EV2.0 come out to break it up.

Earlier today, Mickie James cut a promo atop a mechanical bull.  Commercials.

Random note: Kurt Angle is featured in the Turning Point commercial despite being “gone from TNA forever.”

Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair gives Kazarian a pep talk.

Sarita vs. Mickie James.  Mickie’s new ring gear is daisy dukes, a cut off flannel shirt, and cowboy boots.  She’s still hot.  They wrestle a bit.  Mickie lands a dropkick for 2.  Sarita avoids a reverse cradle and throws Mickie down, then dances.  Mickie avoids a diving cross body and dropkicks Sarita out of the ring.  Mickie hits a baseball slide headscissors.  Sarita sends her into the steps.  Back inside, cover gets 2.  Sarita beats up Mickie.  Sarita does a wacky backbreaker.  Mickie turns it into a cradle for 2.  Mickie makes her comeback with sloppy strikes.  Mickie hits a rana and a diving Thesz press.  Mickie hits the spin kick for the pin in 4:19.  Meh.  Tara appears and jumps Mickie from behind.  Tara gives Mickie the Widow’s Peak.

Ken Anderson cuts a promo backstage.  Commercials.

Mickie James is annoyed by a camera man as she walks to the office, which is apparently outside the building.

Fortune jump Mr. Anderson backstage and drag him into the arena.  Well, sound stage.  They beat him up and leave.  Kazarian comes out for the match.

Ultimate X Match: Kazarian vs. Ken Anderson.  Kazarian orders the referee to ring the bell.  He goes for the X as Anderson crawls down the ramp.  Anderson makes it to the ring just in time to pull Kazarian down.  Anderson beats up Kazarian with one arm.  Kazarian takes Anderson outside.  Commercials.  Kazarian goes for the X.  Anderson swings him back and forth until he falls down.  Anderson tries to climb one arm, fails, beats up Kazarian, then gets beaten up himself.  Kazarian hits a hammerlock slam and a leg drop.  Anderson hits a jawbreaker and tries to fight back, but Kazarian pulls his head across the top rope.  Kazarian goes for the X.  Anderson pulls him down and hits the Mic Check.  Anderson brings in a ladder, which has always been illegal in Ultimate X.  Fortune come out to stop him from getting the X.  Morgan hits a sit-out powerbomb.  Morgan lifts Kazarian up on his shoulders so Kazarian can take down the X to win it in 9:43.  Lame.  Anderson attacks Fortune with a lead pipe.  TNA World Heavyweight Champion Jeff Hardy appears and hits Anderson in the back of the head with a chair.  Hardy sandwiches Anderson’s injured arm with the ladder and hits it with the chair.

Ric Flair and Eric Bischoff leave togethee.  Kurt Angle appears in front of the car with a pipe or something, throws out the driver, then busts the back glass with his pipe.  Gunner and Murphy show up and run him off.  End.

Horrible show.  Look, I understand that mentally retarded people should be given job opportunities, but have Russo work in catering and bring you coffee.  Don’t have him write your TV show.

TNA iMPACT! 10/14/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 16, 2010 by Grappleholic

They show the Bound For Glory screwjob.

“They Have Arrived!!!”

Eric Bischoff chats with Dixie Carter’s lawyer.  Something about the contract Bischoff tricked Dixie into signing last week.

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff come out.  Tenay explains for the first time ever that with the aforementioned contract, Hogan and Bischoff now have a majority share of TNA.  Except that he explained it like everyone knows it already.  The mutants are still chanting for Hogan, but they boo Bischoff.  Hogan cuts a promo.  Bischoff cuts a promo.  Sorry, I always zone out during these long, boring promos.  Bischoff explains the master plan and introduces the various pieces of the puzzle.  Abyss comes out first.  Hogan says some bizarre shit about how Abyss is immortal now.  Jeff Jarrett is next.  He blames Dixie Carter for taking over the company that he was gleefully running into the ground before Panda Energy came along and saved their asses.  Fortune come out.  Flair says they run the company.  Flair and Hogan tease that they’re going to fight, but then they hug.  SWERVE~!  Everybody in the ring hugs and makes friends.  Flair cuts a promo about how much he loves Hogan.  That’s just bizarre.  Bischoff brings out the NEW TNA World Heavyweight Champion, Jeff Hardy.  Hardy gets “YOU SOLD OUT!” chants.  Hardy says he sold in.  He blames years of being a fan favorite for his heel turn.  He talks shit about RVD, then says they’re all immortal.  Sting and Kevin Nash are shown watching backstage.  Bischoff calls them out.  Hogan asks them to join the group.  Sting and Nash get up from their chairs.  Commercials!

Dixie Carter arrives flanked by Gunner, Murphy, and her husband.

Sting and Kevin Nash come out to the ring.  All of the heels are still there.  NOW Tenay is all upset that nobody listened to Sting and Nash when he was the one talking shit about them as recently as last week.  Bischoff invites them to join the team.  Nash says the group is a perfect fit for him because he’s always been all about money, but now he’s older and wiser.  He now has compassion for the boys in the back.  This is like bizarro land.  Nash says he doesn’t want anything to do with them.  Sting says he didn’t come to TNA for this, he came because he loved TNA.  He says he’s not going to repeat history again.  The answer is no.  Sting and Nash leave.  Bischoff bitches at them.  Thus shit took 32 minutes.

Tenay and Taz talk.

The Pope ask Sting and Kevin Nash WTF?  Nash invites Pope to leave with them.  So they’re just leaving?  Pope says he’ll continue to fight the good fight by himself.  Poor Pope.  Dixie Carter shows up and asks Sting and Nash WTF?  Sting says she should have listened to them.  You can barely hear any of this.  Hogan and Bischoff show up to bother her.  Dixie slaps the shit out of Bischoff and bitches at Hogan.  Hogan says he’ll talk to her in his office.  Of course.  Ugh.  Commercials.

Hogan, Bischoff, and Dixie are in the office.  Dixie wants Hogan to tell her straight up that he screwed her out of the company.  He does.  They bicker back and forth while Bischoff cheezes in the background.  Dixie calls him a smug shit.  She tells Gunner and Murphy to take out Hogan and Bischoff.  Hogan says they work for him and orders them to get Dixie out of there.  They do.  Surge tries to help and gets KTFO’d with one punch.  Commercials.  41 minutes and no wrestling.

Some chick shows up in a BMW.

Taz and Tenay talk.  They explain that the aforementioned chick is JWoww from Jersey Shore.  What kind of name is that?

Madison Rayne comes out with a referee.  She bitches about Tara winning the title instead of her at the PPV.  She demands that Tara comes out and gives her a title match.  Tara comes out.  Madison reminds her that she let Tara come back to TNA.  Tara should punish her for such a horrible fate.  She tells Tara to “do the right thing.”

TNA Knockouts Championship Match: Tara (c) vs. Madison Rayne.  Rayne orders Tara to lay down.  Tara does.  Rayne pins her to win the title in 21 seconds.  Rayne celebrates like she actually accomplished something.  Mickie James comes out to be angry about this farce.  She hits the ring.  Rayne hides behind Tara.  James and Tara fight.  James kicks Tara out of the ring.  Rayne runs away.  Mickie poses with the belt.  Stupid crap.

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

The Beautiful People get their makeup done.  JWoww comes in.  They all make friends.  They talk about cookies or something.  Commercials.

The Beautiful People and JWoww wonder around looking for cookies.  They find Eric Young instead.  He asks for JWoww’s autograph on his pecs, then asks if he’s a gorilla.  Orlando Jordan shows up and offers her a lollipop.  Stupid shit.

Kurt Angle comes out with no music, selling his injured ribs.  He cuts a promo about how beat up he is.  He wants to know why he got screwed.  He said he’d retire if he lost, but he didn’t actually get pinned, so he has a dilemma.  Jeff Jarrett comes out to the stage.  He says that Angle didn’t win the title like he said he would, so he should leave.  He says Angle made his life hell when he came into TNA.  I have no memory of that.  They make cryptic mention of the fact that Jarrett ended up with Angle’s ex-wife.  They banter.  Jarrett says he sold out to take Angle’s career.  Angle goes after Jarrett, but gets jumped by Gunner and Murphy.  They handcuff Angle while Jarrett stomps the shit out of him.  Angle spits on Jarrett.  Jarrett beats the shit out of him some more.  Jarrett injures Angle’s neck.  Taz comes down from the table and makes Jarrett back down.  Yes, Jarrett and two tough guys bitched down to a long retired announcer.  Commercials.

1 hour, 9 minutes in and the closest thing we’ve had to wrestling was a 21 second farce of a match.

Moments ago, ^^ happened.

On Monday in Daytona Beach, Samoa Joe walked along the beach while cutting a promo on Jeff Jarrett.

An hour and 15 minutes in, we’re FINALLY going to get a match!

Abyss vs. Samoa Joe.  Joe is good and pissed off.  He kicks Abyss’ ass.  Abyss gets the jump on him when he turns to threaten the referee.  Joe easily rallies and kicks Abyss’ ass some more.  Joe lands a big kick and a senton splash.  Abyss hits a chokeslam.  Abyss goes outside to get a chair.  Joe hits him with a tope suicida into the chair.  Not sure who got the worst of that.  Abyss clocks Joe with the ring bell to get DQ’d in 2:16.  Joe is BUSTED WIDE OPEN!  Abyss beats on him some more back in the ring.  Rob Van Dam comes out.  Abyss retreats.  The match was nothing.  Two minutes of okay, then a fuck finish.  Joe is pissed off.

Rob Van Dam calls out Jeff Hardy.  Hardy appears on the screen and cuts a nonsensical promo.  Eric Bischoff comes out.  I’ve seen enough of him tonight for 7 lifetimes.  He books RVD vs. Mr. Anderson for tonight in a #1 Contender Match.  RVD is fine with this.  Commercials.

Eric Bischoff and Miss Tessmacher flirt backstage.  Bischoff bitches at her for whoring around.  Bischoff dumps her and says she has to wrestle if she wants to stay in TNA.  DAMMIT ERIC, WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST FIRE HER?  Ken Anderson shows up and calls him a douchebag while cranking on his wrist.

Handicap Match: “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero vs. TNA World Television Champion AJ Styles, Beer Money, Kazarian, & Doug Williams of Fortune (w/ Ric Flair & Matt Morgan).  It’s tag team rules.  Pope and Williams lock up.  Pope kicks his ass.  Williams lands a shoulder block.  Pope lands an elbow smash and the Dusty Rhodes elbows.  Kazarian tags in and gets back body dropped.  Pope hits a shoulder block.  Styles comes in and gets schooled too.  Pope slides out of the ring and decks Flair.  Morgan hits Pope with the Carbon Footprint.  Flair and Morgan stomp on Pope.  Back inside, Styles covers for 2.  Roode tags in and beats up Pope.  James tags in.  Ber Money hits the double suplex.  BEER!  MONEY!  James decks Pope.  Kazarian tags back in and hits a dropkick for 2.  Pope fights back and nails everyone on the apron.  Kazarian rakes his eyes.  Styles misses the springboard forearm and accidentally hits Kazarian with the Pele kick.  Pope schoolboys Kazarian for 2.  Beer Money hit the DWI on Pope.  Kazarian pins Pope in 3:32.  Fortune stomp on Pope some more after the match.  Whatever.

Robbie E. and Cookie are walking around backstage.  Fucking ugh.

The Beautiful People and JWoww are also backstage walking around.  Ugh again.  Commercials.

Robbie E. and Cookie come out to be obnoxious and make me want to change the channel.  But I’m a journalist, dammit!  Wait, no I’m not.  Why the fuck am I watching this shit?  They talk shit about that retarded Jersey Shore show.  The Beautiful People and JWoww come out.  Cookie talks shit and slaps JWoww.  CATFIGHT!  The BPs take out Robbie E.  I hate wrestling.  Commercials.

House shows!

Moments ago, ^^ that bullshit happened.

Recap of various shit that has happened tonight.

TNA World Heavyweight Title #1 Contender Match: Ken Anderson vs. Rob Van Dam.  Entrances, commercials, match starts.  At the top of the hour when the show is supposed to be over.  They trade punches.  RVD drops Anderson with a kick.  More slow brawling.  RVD hits the monkey flip out of the corner, then a spin kick for 2.  Anderson goes outside.  RVD hits sort of a moonsault kick off of the apron.  Impact ends.  I’m done.

Fucking awful show with practically no wrestling.  I fucking hate this company.

TNA iMPACT! 9/30/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2010 by Grappleholic

“Last week on iMPACT!…” video.

“Eliminating The Monster”

Kurt Angle talks on the phone, allegedly to Hulk Hogan, as he’s loaded onto his hydraulic stage thingy.

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Kurt Angle comes out to talk.  He say the Impact Zone misses Hogan.  Those mutants might, but I don’t.  He talks for a while and says he’ll take out Abyss tonight in a Steel Cage.  I won’t even get in to how stupid that is.  Abyss comes out through the crowd.  Angle meets him and they brawl.  They brawl moves backstage.  Abyss hits Angle with a ladder.  Angle hits Abyss with a chair.  They keep brawling.  D’Lo Brown, Pat Kenney, Al Snow, and security geeks break it up.

Abyss attacks Kurt Angle again.  Agents and security break them up again.

Lumberjack Match: Beer Money vs. Tommy Dreamer & Rhino.  AJ Styles, Kazarian, Doug Williams, Ric Flair, and Matt Morgan from Fortune and Sabu, Stevie Richards, Raven, Mick Foley, and Brian Kendrick from EV2.0 are Lumberjacks.  Dreamer and Rhino hit the ring and brawl with Beer Money.  It breaks down into a tag match with Rhino and Roode legal.  Roode bails to avoid the Gore and Sabu throws him back in.  Storm drops Rhino with a kick from the apron.  Beer Money beat up Rhino.  Beer Money hit the double suplex and do the BEER!  MONEY!  pose.  Storm throws Rhino outside to get beaten up by Fortune.  EV2.0 come over and Morgan throws Rhino back into the ring.  Rhino continues to play face in peril.  Rhino hits Roode with a belly to belly suplex and makes the hot tag to Dreamer.  Dreamer runs wild.  Dreamer and Storm counter each others’ moves.  Dreamer locks Storm in a crossface.  Roode saves.  Rhino clotheslines Roode to send them both out of the ring.  All of the lumberjacks brawl.  Styles spits something in Dreamer’s face.  Storm hits Dreamer with a Lung Blower for 2.  Lumberjacks continue to brawl.  Storm tries to use the beer bottle, but Dreamer catches him and hits the Spiccoli Driver for the pin in 5:34.  Sabu hits a dive on everybody.  Typical overbooked TNA shit.  Foley calls for everyone to stop fighting and for Flair to get into the ring.  Will it happen NEXT?

Mick Foley and Ric Flair are in the ring.  They talk back and forth for a while.  Foley challenges Flair to a match next week.  Flair beats up Foley’s new book.  Ric Flair is the only man alive who can do silly bullshit like that and have it work.  They each punch themselves in the face to make themselves bleed.  The talk some more.  Foley wants a Last Man Standing Match.  Flair agrees and says he’ll kiss Foley’s ass if he loses.

Backstage, Ken Anderson bitches at Eric Bischoff because Hulk Hogan didn’t call him.  I hate this show.

Tonight, Angle vs. Abyss.  Next, Generation Me vs. Ink Inc.

The Motor City Machine Guns are walking backstage!

Bound For Glory hype.

Ink Inc. vs. Generation Me.  GenMe come out with the TNA World Tag Team title belt they stole last week.  They show a video of said theft.  Moore and Jeremy start with some nice wrestling.  Moore gets the better of the exchange and hits a stupid leg drop around the legs for 2.  Neal and Max tag in.  Ink Inc. double team Max for 2.  Neal lands a dropkick for 2.  Neal avoids a moonsault body block.  Max feigns a knee injury.  Jeremy attacks Neal from behind.  Max comes back in and puts the boots to Neal.  Bucks work over Neal.  Neal ducks a shot and Max accidentally decks Jeremy.  Moore gets the hot tag and runs wild on Max.  Moore hits a spin kick, but Jeremy saves.  Moore hits the Bucks with a double Frankensteiner!  Moore hits a springboard moonsault body block on Max for 2.  All 4 brawl.  Neal accidentally spears the post.  Max kicks Moore in the balls and schoolboys him for the pin in 4:57.  Good little tag match.  The Bucks attack Ink Inc. again after the match.  They set up Neal for the DOUBLE DDT OF MURDER, but the Motor City Machine Guns come out and run them off.

Samoa Joe talks to no one backstage.

Anderson vs. Joe NEXT!

The Motor City Machine Guns yell at Generation Me, who are not present.

Ken Anderson vs. Samoa Joe.  “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero comes out to do commentary.  Sting, and Kevin Nash come out to stand behind him.  Joe powers Anderson to the corner and beats him up.  Anderson grabs a side headlock.  Joe gets out of it and kicks his ass some more.  Anderson fights back.  Joe beats him up again.  Joe hits the face wash in the corner to stop me from being bored with this match for the time being.  Cover gets 2.  Anderson makes his comeback and gets 2 off of a dropkick.  Joe locks in the Coquina Clutch.  Anderson escapes via a jawbreaker, then hits the Mic Check for the pin in 4:00.  Pretty boring match.  Nash carries Sting’s bat to ringside and calls for Joe to “join us!”

During the break, security got between Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash.

Kevin Nash, Sting, and The Pope are in the ring.  They talk about how they know what’s going on and how Bischoff and Hogan are dicks.  Sting was a six-man at Bound For Glory with Sting, Nash, & Pope vs. Hogan, Jarrett, & Joe.  Eric Bischoff and Miss Tessmacher come out.  Bischoff babbles for a while and says Hogan will be there next week.  Ugh.

TNA World Television Champion AJ Styles (w/ Ric Flair) yells at Brian Kendrick, who is not present.  He makes Flair chug a Smirnoff.  Again.

Tonight, Angle vs. Abyss in a Cage!

House shows!

They show Amazing Red beating Jay Lethal for the TNA X Division Championship last Thursday in New York City and Lethal regaining the title on Saturday in Rahway, New Jersey.

Miss Tessmacher tells Madison Rayne and Tara to behave or something.  The Beautiful People come in and bitch at them.  Tessmacher apparently has the power to fire them.  Rayne gives Tessmacher a waiver she signed that allows Tara to wrestle in TNA again.  SHE ALREADY WRESTLED A FUCKING MATCH.  YOU FUCKING MORONS.  I HATE THIS FUCKING COMPANY.  They make a 4-way match for the PPV.  I don’t care.  They all argue and leave.  Tessmacher gets a phone call and agrees to go fuck someone in 20 minutes.

TNA World Television Championship Match: AJ Styles (c) (w/ Ric Flair & Matt Morgan) vs. Brian Kendrick.  Flair rants at the commentary table as the match starts.  They lock up.  Kendrick backs Styles into the corner, breaks, and bows.  Styles attacks Kendrick and grounds him with a side headlock.  Styles avoids a dropkick.  Kendrick avoids Styles in the corner and lands his dropkick.  Kendrick reverses a waist lock and gets a reverse cradle for 2.  Styles hits a backdrop suplex.  Morgan chokes Kendrick behind the referee’s back.  Styles covers for 2.  Styles puts the boots to Kendrick.  Kendrick makes his comeback.  Styles cuts him off with an elbow smash.  Kendrick lands a dropkick and a spinning DDT, then goes up top and dives out of the ring onto Morgan.  Styles goes for a dive, but Kendrick catches him with a kick.  Kendrick goes up top again.  Flair distracts the ref and Morgan crotches Kendrick.  Styles hits the Styles Clash for the pin in 4:24.  Fine little TV match.  These two could have a hell of a match if they were given some time.

Abyss talks to Janice about Kurt Angle, then says he wants his match with RVD at Bound For Glory to be a Monster’s Ball Match.

Congrats to Richard G., who won a free trip to Bound For Glory!  The poor bastard.

Earlier today, Rob Van Dam was outside talking to nobody.

Hype for next week’s live iMPACT!: Before The Glory.

Steel Cage Match: Abyss vs. Kurt Angle.  Angle goes on the attack and kicks Abyss’ ass.  Abyss fights back and beats up Angle.  Angle fights back and beats up Abyss.  Isn’t this exciting?  Angle picks up Janice and throws it over the top of the cage.  Insta-commercials.  Abyss mows down Angle with a big boot.  Abyss throws Angle into the cage.  Angle is BUSTED WIDE OPEN.  Abyss works the cut by pounding on Angle’s head and throwing him into the cage again.  Angle slips of off Abyss’ back and takes out his knee.  Angle hammers Abyss with punches, then hits a frog splash for 2.  Abyss goes for a chokeslam, but Angle rolls through and goes for the ankle lock.  Abyss kicks free and chokeslams Angle for 2.  Abyss counters the Angle Slam and hits the Shock Treatment for 2.  Abyss goes for a diving splash, but Angle avoids it and hits the Angle Slam for 2.  Angle starts to leave through the door, then changes his mind and climbs to the top of the cage.  The show ends.  During the main event.  For the 2nd time in 3 weeks.  About 9 minutes shown.

I fucking hate this company.

TNA iMPACT! 9/23/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 4, 2010 by Grappleholic

“Last week on iMPACT!…” video.  On Reaction, Eric Bischoff made the Bound For Glory title match a 3-way which pissed Dixie off.

“They say… Only The Strong Will Survive”

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Rob Terry comes out to wrestle Abyss.  Rob Van Dam is backstage being retrained by various people

Rob Terry vs. Abyss.  Abyss jumps Terry and kicks his ass.  Terry drops Abyss with a clothesline.  Abyss kicks Terry in the head.  Terry drops Abyss with his big spin kick.  Terry charges Abyss in the corner, but Abyss stops him with a boot, then lands a clothesline.  Abyss goes for a chokeslam, but Terry breaks out and hits a World’s Strongest Slam.  Terry hits a running powerslam for 2.  Terry goes for the Freak Buster, but Abyss rakes his eyes and hits a sidewalk slam for 2.  Abyss hits a chokeslam for 2.  Fuck.  Abyss clotheslines Terry out of the ring.  Split screen time!  Jeff Hardy tries to calm RVD down backstage.  Abyss picks up a piece of the barricade and throws it at Terry for the DQ in 3:59.  This was awful.  Abyss hits him with the barricade again.  And again.  Rob Van Dam comes out through the crowd with a chair.  Gunner and Murphy get in his way.  Abyss picks up Janice.  D’Lo Brown, Pat Kenney, Al Snow, and more security geeks come out and force Abyss to the back.  RVD smacks Murphy or Gunner (whichever one is the short one) in the face with a chair and gets into the ring.  He has his arms and legs taped up and appears to be fine other than a slight limp.  He calls out Eric Bischoff.  Insta-commercials.

Rob Van Dam and Eric Bischoff are in the ring.  RVD bitches at him about stripping  him of the title.  Yeah, why the fuck DID you strip him of the title when he’s BACK BEFORE YOU’VE CROWNED A NEW CHAMPION?  He says he wants the first shot at whoever wins the title at Bound For Glory.  He tells Bischoff he’ll be cleared to wrestle on 10/10/10 and he wants Abyss at Bound For Glory.  Bischoff makes the match.

Live iMPACT! 2 weeks from tonight!

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero comes out.  Bischoff is still in the ring.  He wants to know what the hell is going on.  In regards to what?  He babbles for a while about who he’s beaten lately.  He’s mad because he’s not in the title match at Bound For Glory.  It’s probably because he got pinned clean in the middle of the ring in the semifinal.  Bischoff wants to discuss it backstage, so the leave.

Lacey Von Erich comes into a room looking sad while Angelina Love and Velvet Sky talk.  Lacey is extremely pissed off at Madison Rayne and Tara.

During the break, Bischoff and Pope argued backstage.  Bischoff says Pope will be put into the title match if he beats Samoa Joe tonight.

Jeremy Buck (w/ Max Buck) vs. TNA World Tag Team Champion Chris Sabin.  They lock up.  Sabin grabs a side headlock.  Sabin hits the ropes and Max trips him.  The referee sends Max to the back.  Sabin schoolboys Jeremy for 2.  Sabin hits a shoulder block for 2.  His shoulder is taped up after being injured last week.  Sabin cranks on Jeremy’s arm.  Jeremy attacks the shoulder, then hits a slingshot face buster for 2.  Jeremy applies a Dragon sleeper.  Jeremy hits a neckbreaker for 2.  They end up fighting on the apron and Jeremy hits Sabin with a neckbreaker on the apron for 2.  Jeremy applies a full nelson.  Jeremy lands an elbow smash and a head breaker (reverse jawbreaker).  Jeremy goes for a tornado DDT, but Sabin superkicks him, then gets a schoolboy for the pin in 3:42.  Fine little match.  Max immediately runs down and Generation Me beats down Sabin.  They hit him with another DDT OF MURDER, then steal his tag title belt.

Velvet & Lacey challenge Taylor Wilde & Hamada for the Knockouts Tag titles NEXT!

Pope interview from Reaction and Jeff Jarrett’s retort.

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship Match: Taylor Wilde & Hamada (c) vs. The Beautiful People of Velvet Sky & Lacey Von Erich.  Wilde does her best to wrestle with Lacey, who is absolutely incompetent in a wrestling ring.  She shockingly manages a couple of successful arm drags on Wilde and Hamada.  Velvet tags in and works Hamada’s arm.  Hamada nails her with a Yakuza kick.  Hamada slams Velvet and goes for a moonsault, but Velvet avoids it.  Wilde tags in and schoolgirls Velvet for 2, then inside cradles her for 2.  Velvet gets a backslide for 2, then some elbow drops.  Lacey tags back in.  Hamada tags back in.  Wilde and Hamada hit Lacey with a double suplex for 2.  Hamada nails Lacey with an enzuigiri.  Hamada hits a cool Fisherman Exploder for 2.  Wilde tagsin and works over Lacey some more.  Lacey hits Wilde with an awful looking Frankensteiner for 2.  Hamada comes in and saves for no reason.  Shit happens quickly as Velvet and Hamada are both sent out.  Madison Rayne comes in and nails Lacey with the motorcycle helmet.  Wilde hits Lacey with an enzuigir for the pin in 4:19.  The 2 competent wrestlers tried, but it wasn’t very good.  Angelina Love runs out to check glare angrily at the retreating Rayne while Velvet checks on Lacey.

EV2.0 arrives: Tommy Dreamer, Mick Foley, Stevie Richards, Rhino, Sabu, and Raven!

Up next, Pope vs. Joe!

Jesse Neal video package.

Dixie Carter has joined Tenay and Taz for commentary.  Ugh.  She announces a $100,000 Battle Royal for the live iMPACT! in 2 weeks.

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero vs. Samoa Joe.  Joe jumps Pope and kicks his ass.  Pope fights back and hits a clothesline for 2.  Joe nails Pope with an elbow smash.  Joe rocks Pope with a back kick for 2.  Joe applies a rear chin lock.  Pope fights out, but gets dropped with a clothesline.  Joe applies a rear face lock.  Pope fights out and makes his comeback.  Pope lands a shoulder block for 2.  Taz calls it a flying forearm because he’s retarded.  Joe catches Pope with a powerslam for 2.  Pope hits a hangman’s neckbreaker and goes for the Elijah Express.  Jeff Jarrett comes out to distract Pope/cheer Joe on.  Joe fights back.  Kevin Nash and Sting come out and attack Jarrett.  Pope goes for a move, but Joe locks him in the Coquina Clutch.  The referee stops it and gives the match to Joe in 4:29.  Joe goes to help Jarrett, but gets his ass kicked by Nash.  Jarrett and Joe make a comeback on Sting and Nash.  I’m sick of the long brawls between these guys every week.  The fight continues.

Christy Hemme catches up with EV2.0.  Dreamer says it’s EV2.0 vs. Fortune in Lethal Lockdown at Bound For Glory.  Tonight it’s Sabu vs. AJ Styles with the winner getting the advantage at the PPV.

Ken Anderson is headed our way!

Ken Anderson comes to the ring and calls out Kurt Angle.  Angle comes out.  Anderson puts him over as being the best in the business, but says he’ll be the one winning the title at the PPV.  Angle replies at length.  I’m sure it was something to the effect of “No, I’ll win!”  They shake hands.  Anderson raises Angle’s hand “for the last time,” implying that Angle will lose and have to retire at the PPV.  Pointless segment.

Ric Flair gives Fortune a pep talk backstage, then he chugs a Smirnoff and dances.  Stupid, stupid.

Styles vs. Sabu in a Ladder Match is next.

House shows.

Shore is coming soon.  I’m scared.

Kevin Nash and Sting want information from The Pope.  Apparently Nash and Pope both got some information from Miss Tessmacher, so Pope is on their side now.  I have no idea what the fuck is going on.

Fortune vs. EV2.0 video package.

Non-Title Ladder Match: Sabu vs. TNA World Television Champion AJ Styles (w/ Ric Flair & Matt Morgan).  The prize is a key on a paddle.  They fight.  Styles kicks the middle rope into Sabu’s balls, then pounds on him.  Sabu hits a headscissors.  Styles lands a chop.  Sabu lands a clothesline and goes outside to get a ladder.  Styles follows him out and beats him up.  Sabu manages to get the ladder in the ring, but Styles throws it back out.  Styles pulls Sabu’s head into the top rope.  Styles comes back with the ladder, but Sabu lands a baseball slide dropkick into the ladder.  Sabu throws a chair and the ladder into the ring.  Sabu sets up the ladder.  Styles knocks him down with a punch.  Sabu throws the ladder at Styles.  He tries to do it again, but Styles ducks and Sabu throws the ladder out of the ring.  Styles brings the ladder back, avoids Sabu’s baseball slide, and hits him with the ladder.  Mick Foley comes out.  Insta-commercials.  Sabu throws a chair at Styles, then knocks the ladder over.  Sabu uses the ladder as a springboard for the Whisper In The Wind.  Sabu uses the ladder as a springboard again to hit Styles with a cross body that sends them both out of the ring.  Flair goes after Sabu, but Foley stops him.  Morgan jumps Foley from behind.  Tommy Dreamer comes out, but is cut off by Kazarian.  Security breaks them up.  The rest of EV2.0 and Fortune come out and brawl.  Styles climbs the ladder.  Sabu knocks it over, then hits a crappy dive onto the security guards for no reason.  Sabu comes back in and climbs the ladder.  Robert Roode comes in and cuts him off.  Rhino Gores Roode.  James Storm superkicks Rhino.  Sabu nails Storm and sets up the ladder again.  Sabu and Styles climb the ladder.  Sabu rams Styles’ head into the ladder to send him down.  Storm comes back in and nails Sabu with a beer bottle, then helps Styles climb the ladder and get the key for the win (8:44 shown).  Boring ladder match.  Amazingly, the heels actually have the advantage in Lethal Lockdown.

Jeff Hardy and Rob Van Dam chat backstage.  RVD leaves.  Abyss knocks over the camera man and makes sounds like he’s attacking Hardy.

Eric Bischoff talks.

Moments ago, Abyss made attacking Hardy noises.

Abyss carries an unconscious Jeff Hardy to the ring.  Abyss cuts a promo on RVD.  He says he’ll “finish the job” at Bound For Glory.  He calls out RVD because he wants to hit him with the nail board.  RVD comes out.  Abyss rips Hardy’s shirt off.  RVD throws a chair at Abyss’ head.  Abyss boots the chair into RVD’s face.  Abyss splashes RVD in the corner, then picks up the nail board.  The show ends.

Horrible show.  I hate this fucking company.

TNA iMPACT! 9/16/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 21, 2010 by Grappleholic

Kurt Angle/Jeff Hardy highlight video.

“One More Time”

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Kurt Angle and Jeff Hardy are already in the ring.  Eric Bischoff and Miss Tessmacher come out.  Bischoff puts over Mr. Anderson for making it to the final of the World Title tournament at Bound For Glory.  He puts over the Angle/Hardy match, which apparently everybody but me thought was great.  He says it will be a three-way match for the title at the PPV.  Dixie Carter comes out.  She also verbally fellates them for the match, then says she’s going to override Bischoff’s decision and put Angle and Hardy in a no time limit match tonight.  Her music plays.  Why does this woman deserve music?

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero is pissed off.  He says he’s going to talk to Bischoff.  He meets and greets Kevin Nash and Sting.

Somebody asks Tommy Dreamer where EV2.0 goes from here.  He says “maybe home.”  Why do people always bother Dreamer when he’s going to his car?

Kevin Nash (w/ Sting) vs. Samoa Joe (w/ Jeff Jarrett).  Nash beats up Joe.  Joe ducks clotheslines and drops Nash with a big kick, then hits him with a lariat.  Joe kicks the shit out of Nash some more.  Outside, Nash rams Joe’s head into the apron.  Joe fights back.  Sting tries to attack Joe.  Jarrett saves and the 4 of them brawl.  Instead of DQ’ing anyone like a ref with a brain would do, the referee counts them both out in 2:42.  They all brawl some more.  Geeks eventually manage to break them up.  I’m bored with this feud.  They keep brawling through all the geeks.

Lacey Von Erich is in her locker room.  Madison Rayne and Tara come in.  Rayne tells Lacey they have a Tag title match next.  Lacey says she hasn’t decided whose side she’s on, which pisses Rayne off.  Rayne and Tara are mean to her.

Tonight, Angle vs. Hardy!  Next, Williams vs. Lethal for the X Title!

Kevin Nash and Sting talk backstage.

TNA X Division Championship Match: Douglas Williams (c) vs. Jay Lethal.  Lethal recently beat Williams in a non-title match on Xplosion, which no one anywhere has ever seen.  They brawl.  Williams hits a slam and a knee drop for 0.  Lethal hits a rebound kick in the corner.  They trade shots.  Williams hits a gutwrench suplex for 2.  More brawling.  Williams applies an abdominal stretch.  Williams hits a suplex for 2.  Lethal fights back.  Williams kicks his knee out and locks him a modified bow & arrow lock.  Williams knees Lethal in the back.  Lethal fights out of a waist lock.  Williams comes off the top, but Lethal catches him with a dropkick.  Lethal goes for the handspring elbow.  Williams counts and goes for the Chaos Theory, but Lethal counters and hits the Lethal Combination for 2.  Lethal goes for the diving elbow drop, but Williams avoids it.  Lethal counters a tornado DDT attempt and hits the Lethal Injection for the pin in 5:16.  New champion!  Confetti falls as Lethal celebrates.  Okay little match.

Abyss drags a body around backstage.  WTF?

Kurt Angle talks about Jeff Hardy.

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship Match: Taylor Wilde & Hamada (c) vs. Madison Rayne & Lacey Von Erich (w/ Tara).  Wilde schools Lacey and gets some quick cradles for 2.  Rayne yells at Lacey, who manages a hammerlock and a headlock, but gets reversed.  Hamada tags in and hits a diving sunset flip on Lacey for 2.  Rayne tags in and boots Hamada in the face, then tags Lacey back in.  Lacey hits her stupid backflip elbow, then tries it again and misses.  Hamada slams her and hits a moonsault press for 2.  Fuck, it’s not over?  Wilde tags in and hits a diving cross body on Lacey for 2.  Stay down, idiot!  I don’t want to watch you wrestle anymore.  Rayne pulls Wilde’s hair from the apron, then tags in and beats her up.  Rayne hits a crappy clothesline and tags in Lacey.  They hit a double suplex for 2.  Lacey applies a rear chin lock.  Wilde escapes and tags in Hamada, who hits Lacey with running kicks and a headbutt.  Wilde tags in and knocks Rayne off the apron.  Hamada and Wilde hit Lacey with a Samoan drop/neckbreaker combination and Wilde gets the pin in 4:03.  It was okay.  Rayne screams at Lacey.  Lacey tires of her shit and shoves her down.  Tara hits Lacey from behind with the motorcycle helmet.  The Beautiful People (the real ones, Angelina Love & Velvet Sky) come out to run off Rayne and Tara.

Tonight, Angle vs. Hardy!

Tommy Dreamer is head our way!  And he SUITED UP!

Jeff Hardy talks about Kurt Angle.

Tommy Dreamer comes out.  They show highlights from his I Quit Match with AJ Styles at No Surrender.  He calls out Fortune.  TNA World Television Champion AJ Styles, Ric Flair, Kazarian, Matt Morgan, and Beer Money come out.  Why must all TNA themes have awful rap lyrics?  Dreamer calls a truce and says it’s over.  He talks about how he wants to stay in TNA and talks about the Fortune members’ various histories with WWE and TNA.  He puts over Styles for beating him at the PPV.  Styles puts over Dreamer and they shake hands.  He then bashes Dreamer and cheap shots him.  Fortune commences to kicking the shit out Dreamer, much to the surprise of no one.  Brian Kendrick comes out to try to cover up Dreamer, but gets his ass kicked too.  Security, as usual, waits forever to come out.  Fire those guards and hire some competent ones.  Styles says now Dreamer can have his truce.  Well he won’t want it now!  Fortune leave.  Kendrick challenges any one of them to a fight and says some confusing scientific stuff.  Long, pointless segment.

Brian Kendrick vs. Matt Morgan.  JIP.  Morgan drops Kendrick with a clothesline, then gets around to taking his sunglasses off.  Morgan beats up Kendrick.  Morgan takes off his watch and hits the revolving elbows in the corner.  Morgan hits a fall away slam for 2, as he pulls Kendrick up to be a dick.  Kendrick surprises Morgan with a dropkick for the pin (2:06 shown).  Alright then.  Morgan says that doesn’t count because he was in a suit.  He’s throwing a fit.

The Pope walks into Bischoff’s office and finds Miss Tessmacher, who says Bischoff is in a meeting.  These fucks sure have their meetings at odd hours.  Pope is annoyed, then hits on Miss Tessmacher.  Ugh.

Tonight, HARDY VS. ANGLE!

Up next, RVD speaks!

House show plugs.

Abyss has 2 victims tied up in his torture room.  He uses a branding iron on one of them.  I hate this fucking company.

Tenay and Taz talk, then call Rob Van Dam on the telephone.  He says he’ll be there next week.

Generation Me come out.  They say that since they injured Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin should forfeit the tag titles to them.  They use way more words than I did.  TNA World Tag Team Champion Chris Sabin comes out and immediately attacks them.  He’s quickly overcome by the numbers game.  They give Sabin the DOUBLE DDT OF MURDER.  Fine segment.

Hardy vs. Angle is NEXT!

Shore!  I’m afraid to know what the fuck that is.  It’s coming on 10/7.  Joy.

Angle/Hardy highlight video.  Again.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Tournament – Semifinal Rematch – No Time Limit: Jeff Hardy vs. Kurt Angle.  They went 30 minutes at the PPV, so they’re putting them in a no time limit match with 11 minutes of TV time left.  Brilliant.  They lock up.  Angle pushes Hardy into the corner and gives a clean break.  They lock up again.  Hardy works Angle’s arm.  Angle counters and works Hardy’s arm.  Hardy gets a rope break.  Angle grabs a side headlock and scores a knockdown with a shoulder block, then takes Hardy over with another side headlock.  Hardy backs Angle into the corner and doesn’t give a clean break.  He’s a dick.  I can tell by the way his tweets are typed.  Hardy slide dropkicks Angle into the post.  Hardy brings Angle back inside and hits a front suplex for 2.  Hardy applies a rear chin lock.  Angle escapes and they trade blows.  Angle side steps Hardy and sends him to the floor, then hits him with a slingshot dive.  Ken Anderson comes out to join Tenay and Taz for commentary.  Insta-commercials.  Double clothesline spot.  Angle has a flurry of offense.  Hardy boots him in the face.  Angle hits a belly to belly suplex for 2.  Of course, the match is secondary to camera shots of Anderson talking.  Hardy hits the Twist of Fate for 2.  Hardy goes up top, but Angle jumps up.  Hardy avoids him, but Angle hits a moonsault body block for 2.  Angle applies the ankle lock.  Hardy manages to escape and drops Angle with a kick.  Hardy goes up top and goes for the Swanton Bomb, but Angle gets his knees up.  Hardy covers for 2 anyway.  Hardy takes out the ref with the Whisper In The Wind.  Angle hits the Angle Slam.  Earl Hebner comes in to count 2.  Angle hits the Angle Slam again for 2.  Angle lands some punches on Hardy.  The show ends.  Fuck you, I’m not watching Reaction.  It was good until TNA stupidity set in.

Fuck this show.  Fuck this company.  They will never be successful.  Even if they hire someone competent to run things, too much damage has been done from them to ever be taken seriously.

TNA iMPACT! 8/5/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 7, 2010 by Grappleholic

The usual video package of recent goings on.

“There’s No Place Like Home”

iMPACT! open.  They don’t play that often.  Pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.  Tonight, Rob Van Dam & Tommy Dreamer take on Abyss & Raven.  Taz promises surprises tonight.  That’s TNA for “letdown” and Russo for “swerve.”

Tommy Dreamer comes out and calls out Raven to explain himself.  Raven comes out to the stage.  Dreamer asks Raven why he turned on him last week.  Dreamer says his kids call Raven “Uncle Scotty.”  iMPACT! Zone mutants chant “Uncle Scotty.”  Raven is mad at Dreamer for stealing his woman.  Yes, they’re playing off a feud that started in another company 15 years ago.  Raven says Dreamer’s kids should be calling him “daddy.”  Raven says he’s going to cripple Dreamer and nail his woman.  Dreamer goes up the ramp and kicks Raven’s ass.  Abyss jumps Dreamer and tries to chokeslam him off the stage.  Rob Van Dam makes the save with a steel chair.  Raven DDTs Dreamer on the stage.  Mick Foley appears and hits Raven in the gut with a barbed wire bat.  Foley says he’s going to referee their match at Hard(core) Justice.

Tenay and Taz run down what’s on tap for TONIGHT!

The Beautiful People put the Knockouts Tag Team Championship on the line NEXT!  Commercials.

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship Match: The Beautiful People of Velvet Sky & Lacey Von Erich (c) vs. Taylor Wilde & Hamada.  Yay, Hamada is back!  Lacey shows her ass to Wilde, so Wilde schoolgirls her for 0.  They do some shit.  Hamada tags in and does as well as she can with rocks for brains Lacey.  Lacey nails a kick for 2.  In WWE, she’d be fired for having a jiggly ass.  Velvet comes in and works over Hamada.  BPs double team Hamada.  Lacey covers for 2.  Lacey does a back flip and misses an elbow.  She misses again.  Because she’s stupid.  Hamada lands some headbutts and tags in Wilde.  Wilde hits a German suplex hold and kind of loses her bridge.  Velvet saves.  Clusterfuck ensuses.  Do si do spot.  TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne and biker chick come out to distract every one.  BPs jump Wilde and Hamada.  Hamada and Velvet do some shit while Wilde and Lacey fight outside.  Velvet accidentally slaps the referee.  Hamada takes her outside.  Lacey and Wilde come in.  Biker chick hands Lacey a chair.  Wilde dropkicks it into her face for the pin in 4:17.  Even though this sucked, I’m glad Hamada is back, and even better, is a champion again!  Commercials.

TNA Television Championship Match: AJ Styles (c) (w/ Kazarian) vs. “The Freak” Rob Terry.  Earl Hebner ejects Kazarian before the match starts.  Terry clotheslines Styles and Kazarian both to the outside, press slams Styles back inside, then chases Kazarian to the back.  Styles tries a cheap shot, but Terry destroys him.  Terry throws Styles across the ring by the neck.  Styles throws some ineffective chops, then pokes Terry in the eye and shoves Hebner.  Styles grabs Hebner, then kicks Terry in the balls and lands the Pele kick.  Styles hits the springboard 450 splash for the pin in 2:49.  Neat little face big man vs. heel little man match.  Kazarian comes back out to celebrate with Styles.

Kurt Angle talks about his quest to go through the top 10.

Jay Lethal talks about his feud with Ric Flair while eating lunch.  They meet in a Street Fight TONIGHT!

Beer Money vs. Machine Guns in an Ultimate X Match is NEXT!

Hype for next week’s SUPER iMPACT! “The Whole F’N Show.”

Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne fight backstage while security tries to hold them apart.  Velvet accidentally KTFO’s Lacey in the process and shows concern.  It’d be hilarious if the bump to the head made her smarter.

Beer Money and The Motor City Machine Guns come out and Roode and Sabin cut promos on each other.  The match is next for real this time!  Commercials.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Best of 5 Series 4th – Ultimate X Match: The Motor City Machine Guns (c) vs. Beer Money.  The Guns try to climb the structure immediately, but Beer Money cut them off.  Guns get their shine anyway.  Guns send Beer Money outside and hit dives on them.  Sabin goes for the win, but Storm cuts him off.  Guns double team Storm.  Shelley holds them both on a hold while Sabin climbs.  Beer Money cut him off again, but Shelley goes for it.  Beer Money hit him with the awesome catapult into a DDT.  Beer Money argue over who is going to climb.  Storm claims he’s been drinking, so Roode tries to climb.  Guns double team Storm and cut off Roode again.  Sabin hits the hesitation dropkick on Beer Money in the corner.  Shelley stands on Roode’s balls en route to climbing.  Storm hits a backdrop suplex on Sabin.  Beer Money pull Shelley down and go for the DWI.  He counters them and goes for the Shiranui on Roode.  He fails, but Storm hits a lung blower on Shelley.  Beer Money hit a double suplex.  BEER!  MONEY!  Roode is bleeding.  Beer Money send Sabin outside and double team Shelley.  Shelley hits Roode with an atomic drop off the top.  Roode goes for the X, but Shelley pulls him down and SPIKES him with a DDT.  Shelley jumps over Storm and hits Roode with a Ghetto Stomp.  Shelley gouges Roode’s eyes on the top rope, then goes for the X.  Storm pulls him down and hits a whirlybird neckbreaker.  Sabin coems back and in goes for the X.  Storm tries to cut him off, but Sabin hits a Frankensteiner off the top rope.  Roode hits a spinebuster on Sabin.  Storm tries to help Roode go for the prize.  Guns cut them both off.  “THIS IS AWESOME!” chant breaks out.  Shelley hits Storm with a Shiranui on the apron.  Fucking ouch.  Storm tries to hold onto the structure and walk the cable.  Sabin meets him in the middle.  Roode falls, crotches himself on the cable, and falls to the mat.  Sabin grabs the X to win it in 9:55.  The series is tied at 2-2.  Pretty good match.

Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff, and Miss Tessmacher are headed our way!  Commercials.

Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff, and Miss Tessmacher come out.  Bischoff talks about the card for next week’s special: Abyss vs. RVD for the World Title in a Stairway to Janice Match with Bischoff as the referee, Motor City Machine Guns vs. Beer Money in the final of the series for the Tag titles, Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles, Madison Rayne vs. Angelina Love for the Knockouts Title, Jeff Hardy’s open challenge, and Mr. Anderson vs. Matt Morgan vs. The Pope.  Kevin Nash comes out to bitch at them for whatever.  Hogan says they’re past their prime and it’s time for the young guys to shine.  If he would have had that thought 10 or 12 years ago, WCW may still be alive.  They talk about politics and whatever.  Nash quotes some movie and attacks Bichoff.  Hogan beats up Nash.  In 2010.  Nash kicks Hogan in the balls and knees him in the thigh a bunch.  Nash brings in a chair and teases powerbombing Hogan.  Bischoff tries to stop Nash, fails, but Nash decides not to anyway.  Nash prepares to hit Hogan with the chair, but Jeff Jarrett runs in and attacks Nash.  STING shows up (in Wolfpac face paint) and attacks Jarrett with the bat.  Nash clotheslines Jarrett with the bat and Sting clobbers Hogan with the chair.  Yay!  Commercials.

House show plugs.

Christy Hemme tries to talk to Sting and Kevin Nash, but they both blow her off.

Moments ago, all of that stuff a couple of lines up happened.

Orlando Jordan comes out being freaking with a lollipop.  He tries to put it So Cal Val’s mouth, but she escapes it this week.

Orlando Jordan vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  “POPE IS PIMPIN”! chants.  Jordan sucks on his finger and tries to touch Pope with it.  Pope shoves him away.  They lock up and do some mat wrestling.  Jordan grinds on Pope int he corner.  Pope kicks his ass.  Jordan catches Pope with a punch and grounds and pounds him.  Eric Young comes out and grabs some of the fake money that falls during Pope’s entrance.  This distracts Jordan for some reason.  Pope makes his comeback and hits the Elijah Express for the pin in 3:27.  Ugh.  Just… ugh.  Matt Morgan jumps Pope and lays him out.  Mr. Anderson runs out with a steel chair to run Morgan off.  Pope and Anderson argue.  Gunner and Murphy (the security geeks from last week) come out and threaten Anderson while the Pope just leaves.

Christy Hemme interviews Ric Flair.  Flair will be suspended if any member of Fortune interferes in his match tonight, but Flair is ready to go on his own.  Commercials.

Street Fight: Jay Lethal vs. Ric Flair.  Flair is SUITED UP! for the street fight.  Flair pokes Lethal in the eye and goes on the attack.  Flair hits Lethal in the balls and works his leg a bit.  Flair throws in some plunder.  Lethal goes under the ring, then surprises Flair with a springboard missile dropkick.  Lethal strips off Flair’s jacket and shirt and chops him.  Lethal hits a big backdrop, then hits him with a Singapore cane.  Lethal hammers Flair with chops and punches.  Flair is BUSTED WIDE OPEN and does a Flair flop.  TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams comes out for no apparent reason.  Flair gets hit with something and Flair does the flop again.  Flair gets his pants ripped to reveal ridiculous underwear.  Lethal whips Flair with his belt and throws Flair’s pants and sock to the crowd.  Flair his now in underwear, one sock, and one show.  Flair gets nailed with a trash can and does a third Flair flop.  Flair goes up top, but Lethal hits him with a metal cookie sheet and hits a superplex for 2.  Williams pulls Lethal out of the ring and gets nailed.  Lethal fucks up a diving sunset flip and pulls Flair’s drawers down.  Thankfully then pixelate Flair’s ass.  Williams nails Lethal with the belt behind the referee’s back.  Why the fuck do you need a referee distraction in a street fight?  Flair gets the pin in 6:41.  This was pretty fun.

Abyss & Raven are ready for action!  Commercials.

Christy Hemme interviews TNA World Heavyweight Champion Rob Van Dam, who has a hellish week ahead of him.  Jerry Lynn shows up and says he’ll be RVD’s opponent at the PPV.

Abyss & Raven vs. TNA World Heavyweight Champion Rob Van Dam & Tommy Dreamer.  They brawl on the ramp before the match ever starts.  Abyss and Dreamer make it in the ring to start the match.  Dreamer hits Abyss from out of nowhere.  Dreamer suplexes RVD onto Abyss.  Raven chop blocks Dreamer’s knee.  Abyss squashes Dreamer in the corner.  It’s broken down into a tag match now.  Raven tags in and puts his snot rag in Dreamer’s face.  Raven works Dreamer’s face.  Ouch.  Abyss beats up Dreamer on the outside.  Raven covers for 2.  Abyss tags in and works over Dreamer.  Raven and RVD tag in.  RVD runs wild.  RVD kicks Abyss off the apron, then rams Raven’s head into the turnbuckle and hits the Rolling Thunder.  Abyss saves and tries to chokeslam RVD and Dreamer, but they clothesline him out of the ring.  Dreamer DDTs Raven.  RVD hits the Five Star Frog Splash on Raven for the pin in 3:57.  That was a short main event, but fun while it lasted.

Abyss attacks RVD and Dreamer after the match.  Abyss chokeslams RVD, then tries to chokeslam Dreamer, but Stevie Richards makes the save.  He gets dropped, then Rhino makes the save and goes for the Gore, but Abyss drops him too.  Team 3D come out and go for the 3D, but Raven attacks them with a chair.  The lights go out and THE SANDMAN appears!  Sandman canes Raven, then canes the shit out of Abyss.  Mick Foley comes out and brings Al Snow, Pat Kenney, and Jerry Lynn with a cooler of beer.

Hardcore Justice hype video.

Hype video for next week’s special iMPACT!

This show was actually kind of fun.  I have no real complaints to make this week, so a good show by TNA standards.