Archive for Katie Lea Burchill

WWE WrestleMania XXV (Repost)

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 22, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open, then an awesome WrestleMania opening video where various wrestlers talk what they think is the greatest WrestleMania moment of all time, then comments on the big matches tonight.

Howard Finkel welcomes us to the *sigh* 25th Anniversary of WrestleMania.  I’m not even going to get into that today.  The Fink then introduces Nicole Somethingorother from the Pussycat Dolls, who sings a horrible rendition of “America The Beautiful.”

The Army National Guard presents WrestleMania!  “Shoot To Thrill” plays, fireworks, and Jim Ross welcomes us to WrestleMania.  Wow, I feel really welcome with all of these welcomes.  Justin Roberts introduces our first match, the Money In The Bank Lader Match!  Ross, Jerry Lawler, and Michael Cole are doing a three-man commentary team tonight.  Also, we finally have the long awaited return of the Spanish announce table!  Carlos and Hugo are back, baby!

Money In The Bank Ladder Match: CM Punk vs. Mark Henry (w/ Tony Atlas) vs. WWE United States Champion Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Finlay (w/ Hornswoggle and rocking the old school Belfast Bruiser vest thingy) vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Christian vs. Kane.  Christian’s entrance is the only one to get an audible pop from the huge crowd.  On TV, anyway.  According to people who were there, the crowd was way hotter live than it appeared on TV, so maybe there was some audio trouble or something.  Enough of that, on to the match!  Bell rings, everybody pairs off and brawls.  Kane and Henry go at it.  Maybe they’ll take each other to prevent them from dragging the match down.  Christian and Benjamin take them down with a ladder, then try to take out Kofi.  Kofi leapfrogs the ladder, then dropkicks it and legdrops the ladder with both the guys under it.  “Controlled frenzy” line from Cole.  The ladder gets set up and Kane and Henry climb it.  Other guys come in and take the big dudes out, then they all climb a couple of ladders.  Kane and Henry come back in and push the two ladders over, then fight each other again.  Kane knocks Henry down and throws one of the ladders out of the ring, then climbs the other.  Henry comes in and tips the ladder over to send Kane crashing.  Finlay comes in and takes out Henry, who throws the ladder out.  Finlay lands a tope suicida on Kane and Benjamin.  Christian follows with his own dive, followed by MVP, then stereo dives from Punk and Kofi.  Benjamin hits a fucking insane dive off of a tall ladder in the aisle onto the pile of guys.  “HOLY SHIT” chant.  Henry teases diving, but Henry whacks him with the stick.  Hornswoggle sets up a step ladder and Finlay helps him climb onto Henry, then dive onto the pile.  The video was skipping, so I think my DVD may have not burned properly.  Kofi does an awesome spot where he dropkicks Finlay through an open ladder.  Finlay nails him with the step ladder, then uses it to nail the other guys coming back in.  Finlay goes to make the climb, but Kofi kicks him off and climbs himself.  Henry comes in and pushes the ladder over.  The next awesome Kofi spot happens, where Henry is holding an unopened ladder vertically.  Kofi climbs it and gets caught by Henry, who transitions it into the World’s Strongest Slam on the ladder.  Henry climbs, but MVP comes and takes him down, then sets up another ladder between the set up ladder and the top rope.  Benjamin comes in and he and MVP do some crazy shit that ends with Shelton taking a powerbomb.  MVP climbs, Punk stops him.  Christian tries to stop him but gets knocked down, then gets back up on the horizontal ladder behind Punk.  They fight, then Christian hits a botched but cool Unprettier off the ladder.  MVP climbs up, but Benjamin sets up the crazy thing and runs up, then botches a sunset flip off the ladder and gets a “YOU FUCKED UP” chant.  Benjamin powerbombs MVP out of the ring onto Henry and Atlas.  Finlay and Benjamin both climb.  Shelton nails Finlay, who takes a bump on the horizontal ladder.  Christian comes in and fights with Benjamin.  Benjamin sets up the ladder that has been horizontal, so we now have two vertical ladders.  They climb, but the ladder falls over.  Benjamin spills out of the ring, but Christian catches the top rope with his foot in a cool Captain Morgan post and gets it straight again.  Punk tries to stop Christian, but gets his leg caught in the ladders.  Kane comes up and chokeslams Christian off the ladder (not as cool as it sounds).  Punk goes for the prize, but Kane goozles him.  Punk kicks Kane in the head to knock him down, then takes the briefcase of the win at 14:29.  That’s where I timed it, but my DVD did skip a bit so it probably is the 14:24 other reports have it as.  Fucking awesome match.  Kofi really shined here, but everyone had their moments.

Axxess highlights.

Kid Rock mini-concert.  He performs a medley of his songs consisting Bawitaba, some song I don’t know, Cowboy, All Summer Long, and So Hott.  During the last one, the 25 divas in the Battle Royal make their way to the ring.  The whole thing goes about 10 minutes.

Now I actually put some work into working out this clusterfuck of a match, so bear with me.

Divas Battle Royal featuring Kelly Kelly, WWE Women’s Champion Melina, Beth Phoenix, Mickie James, Layla, Jillian Hall, Rosa Mendez, Maria, Brie Bella, Nikki Bella, Eve Torres, WWE Divas Champion Maryse, Gail Kim, Michelle McCool, Natalya, Katie Lea, Sunny, Molly Holly, Jackie Gayda, Joy Giovanni, Torrie Wilson, Alicia Fox, Tiffany Terrell, Victoria, and Santino Marella (in drag).  The bell rings and they start fighting while Roberts introduces the match.  Mae Young is at ringside with Candice Michelle as the guest timekeeper.  Now this clusterfuck is impossible to call live, but from my earlier research, the order of elimination is Layla, Joy, Rosa, Alicia, Sunny, Torrie, Jackie, Maria, Gail, Jillian, Eve, Tiffany, Kelly, Molly, Maryse, Katie Lea, Natalya, Victoria, Nikki Bella, Brie Bella, Mickie James, Michelle McCool… then the finish is Beth going for the Glam Slam on Melina, but Santino bundles them both out to win the match at 6:10.  Pointless, but at least we got to look at a bunch of hot chicks for a few minutes.  I can say that my ridiculously jealous wife is gone.  Candice comes in the ring to present the Miss WrestleMania crown and sash to the winner.  He introduces himself as “Santina, Santino’s twin sister from Italy.”  The announcers don’t even actually acknowledge that it’s Santino.  Beth looks on, pissed.

Jericho vs. Legends hype video, a lot of which is about Mickey Rourke.  They show Rourke taking his seat in the audience.

Handicap Elimination Match: Chris Jericho vs. Ricky Steaboat, Roddy Piper, & Jimmy Snuka (w/ Ric Flair).  Piper, who looks incredibly old, insists on starting.  He spits his gum at Jericho, then proceeds to kick his ass for the first few minutes, other than an embarrasing spot early on when Piper gets his arm stuck in the ropes.  Piper throws a half assed dropkick that only connects with one leg.  Snuka tags in and looks fucking terrible.  Steamboat tags in to a big pop and looks FUCKING AWESOME.  Steamboat nails a couple of GORGEOUS arm drags, causing me to mark out for an arm drag for the first time in my life.  Steamboat works the arm a bit, then tags Snuka back in.  They do a double chop and Snuka’s doesn’t even connect.  Jericho locks Snuka in the Walls of Jericho for the submission at 3:45.  Thank God.  He refuses to break the hold until Piper and Steamboat come in and force him.  There are some incidents of the audio going out for a second.  Piper goes after Jericho again, poking him in the eyes and locking in the sleeper hold.  Jericho escapes and hits an enzuigiri for the pin at 4:45.  Steamboat hits a sweet diving crossbody for a near fall.  Steamboat and Jericho go at it, and it’s awesome.  Jericho tosses Steamboat out and decks Flair as Steamboat skins the cat back in.  Steamboat sends Jericho out of the ring and dives onto him, then sends him back in and hits the diving karate chop.  More chops, then Steamboat gets a near fall with a reverse cradle.  Jericho hits the bulldog and goes for the Lionsault, but Steamboat avoids it.  Steamboat catches Jericho with a powerslam for a near fall.  Jericho locks in the Walls, but Steamboat manages to counter out with an inside cradle for another near fall.  Jericho goes for a backdrop suplex, but Steamboat lands on his feet.  Jericho catches the Codebreaker out of nowhere for the win at 8:57.  Snuka was awful.  Piper tried, but wasn’t good.  Steamboat was the fucking man and made the match.  Flair attacks Jericho after the match, but ends up taking a backdrop and eating the Codebreaker.  Jericho challenges Rourke.  Rourke stalls forever before finally getting in the ring.  They have an impromptu amateur boxing match which ends with Rourke catching Jericho with a left hand and knocking him down.  Flair comes in and celebrates with Rourke.  Another pointless waste of time.  The post-match stuff, not the match, though the match would have been MUCH better if it was just a Jericho/Steamboat singles match.

Army National Guard commercial.

The announcers chat a bit to introduce the Hardys video package.

Extreme Rules Match: Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy.  Matt talks trash, then Jeff jumps on him and kicks his ass.  Jeff pulls a WrestleMania poster from under the ring and breaks it over Matt’s head, prompting a great line from Lawler: “Well, at least Matt finally got his face on the WrestleMania poster.”  Matt catches Jeff with a chair to the legs while Jeff was attempting the Whisper in the Wind, then moments later nailed him with a shop vac.  I was amused.  Matt hits the Side Effect on the chair for a near fall.  Ouch.  Matt sets up a table on the outside.  Logic says Matt will be the one to go through that table later on.  Matt takes a bump in the steps and the ref and trainer check on him.  Matt hits him with a Singapore cane, then puts a trash can over his head and hits him with a crutch.  Jeff hits a front suplex and goes up top, but Matt avoids the Swanton bomb.  Matt hits the Twist of Fate, but Jeff kicks out at two.  Jeff hits Matt with a chair, then sets him up on that table from earlier.  Jeff sets a chair on top of Matt, then sets another table on top of the table on which Matt is laying.  Jeff goes to the top rope and dives through the table.  Told ya so.  “HOLY SHIT” chant, but I’m pretty sure the top table actually made the spot safer.  Jeff puts Matt in the ring and covers, but Matt puts his foot on the bottom rope.  Jeff brings in a ladder, then sets up a chair and hits a leg drop off of it.  He sets up two ladders and does that “jump from the shorter ladder over the taller ladder and do a leg drop” spot, but Matt moves and Jeff dies.  Matt his a Twist of Fate using an open chair, which looks SICK, for the win at 13:15.  Good plunder match, and no doubt the best match they’ve ever had against each other.

Legends of WrestleMania video game commercial.

Randy Orton is shown in his locker room with Legacy, getting ready.  At least Dibiase and Rhodes got a second of screen time.

Lillian Garcia introduces the first Intercontinental Title match at WrestleMania in 7 years.  JBL comes down, cutting a promo about how he is returning to Texas as a champion and being the only hero Texas has, or something to that effect.  Mysterio makes his entrance with an awesome Heath Ledger Joker mask and outfit.  Lillian does the introductions in-ring, then JBL nails Mysterio with a big boot, then nails him with some punches.  The referee asks Mysterio if he still wants to wrestle.  He says he does, so we have…

WWE Intercontinental Championship Match: John Bradshaw Layfield (c) vs. Rey Mysterio Jr.  Mysterio ducks a kick and hits an enzuigiri, a dropkick, the 619, and the diving splash for the win in 21 seconds.  Mysterio celebrates and leaves with the gold.  JBL takes the microphone and quits, which makes the crowd pop big.  He leaves, yelling at the crowd that they’ll regret him leaving.

A nice shot of the Houston skyline.  A NASCAR driver is in the crowd.

Shawn/Taker video package.

Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker.  Here we go.  Awesome entrances, as Michaels descends from above, then Taker rises from the stage.  Bell rings.  Taker looks to throw punches, but Michaels ducks and lands his own blows.  Taker gets hold of Michaels and tosses him into the turnbuckle.  Michaels responds with a defiant crotch chop.  Michaels leap frogs Taker and pounces on him.  Taker finally manages to land some punches and hammers Michaels down.  Michaels answers with chops, but Taker throws him into the corner, then back body drops him.  Taker press slams Shawn and drops an elbow.  First cover of the match gets a one count.  Taker hits Old School.  Shawn chop blocks Taker to weaken his leg, then locks in the figure-four.  Taker throws some punches and manages to escape.  Taker kicks Shawn’s ass for a minute until Michaels counters a chokeslam attempt into a crossface.  Taker finally manages to get up and drop Michaels with a side slam to escape it.  They trade blows.  Michaels hits the forearm and nips up.  Michaels knocks Taker down and goes to the top for the big elbow, but Taker gets up and catches him with the goozle.  Michaels counters the chokeslam attempt and feigns a superkick.  He goes for the figure-four again, but Taker locks in the Gogoplata.  Michaels scampers around and manages to get a rope break.  Michaels avoids the apron leg drop, causing Taker to hurt his leg again.  Michaels hits a baseball slide kick, then goes for a moonsault to the outside, but Taker avoids it.  Taker gets back in the ring and goes for a suicide dive.  Michaels pulls a camera man (played by Sim Snuka) in the way and Taker ALMOST KILLS HIMSELF.  I don’t know how he managed to not break his neck.  It was a tope suicida that almost turned into a Space Flying Tiger Drop.  Taker BARELY beats the count back in the ring.  Michaels tunes up the band and goes for the superkick, but Taker catches him with a huge chokeslam for a VERY close two count.  They counter each other’s finishes until Michaels lands the superkick for the one, two… TAKER KICKS OUT!  They rest for a moment, then Michaels nips up and stands over the dead Taker.  Taker comes back to life and goozles him, then gets up and goes for the Last Ride.  Michaels counters.  Taker goes for it again and hits it big time for the one, two, hegothimnohedidn’tcomeonref!  Taker, for some reason, goes for the diving elbow drop, but crashes and burns when Michaels moves.  When everybody gets up, Taker throws Michaels over the top rope.  Michaels skins the cat… right into the Tombstone!  Taker covers for the one, two, and MICHAELS KICKS OUT!  Taker lowers the straps to reveal his chest, which has been beaten blood red.  He goes for another Tombstone, but Michaels counters with somewhat of a DDT.  Michaels hits the diving elbow drop, then NAILS the superkick for a very believable near fall.  Taker’s not done yet, though.  They make it to their feet and trade blows until Taker knocks Shawn down.  Taker goes for the Tombstone again, but Michaels counters.  Taker runs into Michaels’ boot in the corner.  Michaels goes for another moonsault, but Taker catches him and drops him with a second Tombstone and gets the pin at 30:43.  Fucking amazing epic match here, one of the best matches in WrestleMania history.

Raw Draft special commercial.

Evander Holyfield is in the crowd.  The announcers reflect on the epic match we just saw, but still have to feign interest in the matches still to come.

Edge/Cena/Show video package.

Lillian introduces Vickie Guerrero, who is wheeled down by Chavo.  At least Chavo gets a WrestleMania payday.  Edge makes his way out, then Show.  Cena’s old music hits and a bunch of Cena look-alikes come out and line the entry way.  Then the real Cena comes out.  I guess it’s the real Cena anyway.  In-ring intros, then we have…

World Heavyweight Championship Match: Edge (c) vs. The Big Show vs. John Cena.  Cena tries to out-quick the other guys, but gets knocked down.  Edge tries to form an alliance with Show, but Show quickly betrays him.  Edge is disposed of, then Show beats down Cena.  Show ends up outside the ring and Cena hits his diving Fameasser to the oustide on Show.  Edge and Cena end up in the ring.  Edge hits his DDT and gets a near fall.  Show makes it back in.  Chavo pulls Cena out of the ring and gets F-U… er, has his Attitude Adjusted for his troubles.  Show does the Andre “tied up in the ropes” spot and watches Cena beat up Edge.  Vickie gets out of her wheelchair and gets on the apron.  Edge accidentally spears her for the 374th time.  Show finally gets out and beats up everyone.  Show goes for a double chokeslam, but Cena gets away, so Edge is the only one to take it.  Cena goes for the Attitude Adjuster, but Show counters and nails his KO punch.  Show and Edge fight outside.  Edge spears Show through the guardrail.  Edge covers Cena for a two count back in the ring.  Edge goes for the spear, but Cena counters and locks in the STF.  Show makes it back up and pulls Cena out of the ring, then headbutts him.  Show goes for a Vader bomb on Edge, but Edge avoids it.  Edge and Cena unite to suplex Show, then they clothesline him out of the ring.  Edge takes a cheap shot and gets a near fall on Cena.  Cena hits the Throwback and goes up top.  Show pushes him off right into a spear from Edge in a cool spot.  Edge hops on Show’s back and tries to put him down with a sleeper.  Cena shows his retard strength and lifts both of them for the Attitude Adjuster.  Edge falls of and Show takes the move.  Cena hits it on Edge, dropping him on top of Show, then covers Show for the win at 14:43.  Not a bad match, but nothing was going to follow Shawn vs. Taker.

WrestleMania XXVI is coming to Arizona!

Justin Roberts introduces the Hall of Fame Class of 2009: The Funks (Terry & Dory Jr.), Bill Watts, Howard Finkel, Koko B. Ware, The Von Erichs (represented by Kevin Von Erich), Ricky Steamboat, and Stone Cold Steve Austin.  Austin appears on the stage in his suit, then leaves.  He comes back out on his four wheeler in an Austin 3:16 shirt.  He drives down to the ring and drinks some beer, even sharing one with good ol’ J.R.  Ross puts this over as the end of the Austin era.

Backlash!  Backlash!  BACKLASH!

Lillian announces the attendance as 72,744.

Triple H/Orton history package.

Triple H is shown walking backstage.  He runs into Vince and Shane McMahon.  They exchange nods of the head.  Main event time!

WWE Championship Match: Triple H (c) vs. Randy Orton.  Triple H can lose the title by DQ or count-out.  Entrances and in-ring introductions here too.  Triple H kicks Orton’s ass to start and gets told off by the referee.  Orton hits the RKO out of nowhere, but is an idiot, so doesn’t cover.  Orton goes for the punt of death, but Triple H avoids it and hits the Pedigree.  He is also an idiot and doesn’t cover.  They fight outside for a moment, then back in, then back out, then back in.  Orton begs off, but Triple H hammers him anyway.  They end up outside again.  Orton reverses Triple H and whips him into the steps, then into the time keeper’s area.  Triple H makes it back in the ring to avoid being counted out, but Orton goes to work on him.  My DVD starts skipping again.  Must have been a bad burn.  It finally starts playing right again, but my timing is going to be completely screwed now.  Triple H goes for the Pedigree, but Orton counters with a quick jackknife hold for a near fall.  The match speeds up a bit now, with Triple H avoiding the RKO and getting a near fall with a quick schoolboy, then catching Orton with the big spinebuster.  Triple H goes for the Pedigree again, but Orton hits his 3.0 backbreaker for a near fall.  Orton catches Triple H coming off the turnbuckle with a sweet dropkick.  Triple H avoids the punt again and sends Orton outside.  Triple H teases hitting Orton with a monitor, but thinks better of it.  They tease a Pedigree through the announce table, but Orton backdrops Triple H to the other table, which doesn’t give.  Orton drops Triple H with his sick DDT off the table and they do the big count-out tease, but Triple H makes it back in.  Orton punishes him some more.  Ref bump.  Orton hits the RKO and retrieves the sledgehammer.  Triple H catches Orton coming back in and punts him.  Triple H hits Orton with the sledgehammer, hides it, and hammers Orton with punches.  The referee wakes up and makes Triple H stop throwing punches.  Triple H hits the Pedigree for the pin at 23:34 (according to Wikipedia since my timing got fucked up).  Flattest Mania finish ever, and Orton totally got jobbed.

WrestleMania highlight video.  Fin.

WWE Monday Night Raw 3/30/09 (Repost)

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 22, 2010 by Grappleholic

Here we are with the go home Raw for WrestleMania 25!

WWE open, then a hearse backs into the arena.  Raw open, then Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler welcome us to the show.  Tonight, something with Undertaker, I wasn’t paying attention, and John Cena vs. The Big Show.

WWE Women’s Champion Melina, Mickie James, Gail Kim, Maria, Kelly Kelly, Brie Bella, Alicia Fox, Eve Torres, & Tiffany Terrell vs. WWE Divas Champion Maryse, Beth Phoenix, Michelle McCool, Natalya, Jillian Hall, Katie Lea, Nikki Bella, Layla, & Rosa Mendez.  18 woman clusterfuck.  Tiffany pinned Katie Lea with an inside cradle for the win in a couple of minutes.  Santino Marella comes down in a robe.  Santino said he went to WWE President Jack Tunney and found out he was dead.  He still wants to be in the Women’s battle royal at WrestleMania.  He disrobes to reveal some kind of gay outfit and does a gay dance around the ring.  He gets kicked out of the ring and Beth and Rosa pull him away.

Orton/Triple H replay #72,000,000,001.  Tonight: Orton’s address!  Haven’t we already been to his house?  Lawler takes on Chris Jericho NEXT!

Last week: Jericho killed Ric Flair and broke his watch.

Chris Jericho vs. Jerry “The King” Lawler.  Apparently the Jericho vs. old guys WrestleMania match is elimination or gauntlet.  Jericho has to beat all of them, but only one of them has to beat Jericho.  Jericho and Lawler lock up, then shove each other.  King hammers Jericho with punches.  Jericho gets in a cheap shot to get the advantage.  Jericho beats on King for a while.  King makes his comeback and lowers the strap so his man tits can flap freely.  Lawler blisters Jericho with punches.  Jericho locks in the Walls of Jericho for the win at 3:25.  Jericho prepares to beat down Lawler some more, but Lawler lands a punch and Jericho bails.  Jericho takes the microphone and says he beat Lawler so he’s not getting back in the ring.  He says he’ll beat the old guys at WrestleMania, it’s just a matter of how.

12 Rounds hype.  I don’t care, nor will I ever.  Cena takes on Big Show TONIGHT!

Hall of Fame hype.  Commercials!

Toasty Torpedo Takedown… huh?  Cena wrestled Edge a few weeks ago and Big Show interfered.

Todd Grisham interviews John Cena.  Or tries to.  Edge steps in and recommends that he and Cena unite to take out Big Show.  Cena declines.

Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase Jr. talk to Cole about Randy Orton.  Rhodes has on a new Legacy t-shirt.  Orton’s WrestleMania Address tonight will CHANGE WWE FOREVER!

Some people pull a casket out of the hearse.  Shawn Michaels pops out and mouths something.  Commercial.

Non-Title: Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. WWE Intercontinental Champion John Bradshaw Layfield.  Yeah, lots of people are going to buy WrestleMania to see the exact match they just saw on TV.  JBL cuts a promo saying he wants this match for some kind of psychological advantage or something.  Rey tries to use his speed, but JBL overwhelms him with his size.  Commercial!  Back from break, JBL continues to overwhelm Mysterio.  Mysterio takes a fall away slam and roles out of the ring.  JBL goes out and puts the boots to him.  JBL brings him back in the ring and Mysterio makes a comeback.  Bombs Away and an enzuigiri from Mysterio.  JBL avoids a 619 attempt, but Mysterio hits it on the second try and follows with the frog splash for the win at 6:45.  That means JBL is winning at WrestleMania.

Replay of the Cena’s promo from Smackdown.  He’ll face Big Show NEXT!

WrestleMania XI video.

John Cena vs. The Big Show.  I’m not paying much attention, but Show has the advantage in the early minutes.  Big Show does a baseball slide dropkick of all things as we go to commercial.  Back from break, Show has Cena in a Camel Clutch like move.  Cena counters a chokeslam and hits that weird DDT/suplex Show always takes.  Cena goes for the STF, but Show blasts him with an elbow.  Cena goes for the F-U, but his back is hurt.  Show hits the chokeslam for the clean win at 10:37.  Edge shows up and pounds on Cena.

Orton’s WrestleMania address TONIGHT!

Replay of the Undertaker/Michaels stuff from Smackdown.  Michaels leads the pall bearers our way.  Commercial.

WrestleMania Axxess video.  Looks like lots of awesome stuff to do.

Moments ago: Cena/Show.

Shawn Michaels cuts his usual promo on Undertaker in the ring.  The ring is set up to look like a funeral or something.  The lights go out and Taker appears in the ring.  Michaels has disappeared.  Taker throws all the shit in the ring around.  Michaels appears from under the casket and lands the Sweet Chin Music.  Michaels runs away, Taker is mad, same old shit.

12 Rounds hype again.

Moments ago: Michaels/Undertaker stuff.

Hall of Fame hype: The awesome Steve Austin video plays.

WrestleMania hype I think.  I wasn’t paying attention.

Dibiase and Rhodes are with security guards.

Time for another Money In The Bank preview match!  CM Punk and Kane come out.  Commercial break, then Hardy vs. Hardy hype video.  That’s stupid.  Can’t it wait until after the match?

Battle Royal: CM Punk vs. Kane vs. WWE United States Champion Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Christian vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Mark Henry (w/ Tony Atlas) vs. Finlay (w/ Hornswoggle).  Everybody fights.  Henry eliminates Finlay.  Hornswoggle distracts Henry and everyone dumps Henry out.  MVP and Benjamin fight on the apron.  Kane knocks them both to the floor to eliminate them.  Punk (I think) eliminates his former tag team parter Kofi Kingston.  Christian tries to eliminate Punk, but Punk fights back and hits his running knee in the corner.  Christian counters the bulldog and throws Punk out, but Punk holds on.  Kane throws Christian into Punk and they both go to the floor to give Kane the win at 3:38.  I think Punk hit first, if it matters.  Kane climbs the ladder and takes down the briefcase.  The build to this match has been retarded and repetitive.

Dibiase and Rhodes come with security to escort Orton to the ring.  Orton’s WrestleMania address is NEXT!

Randy Orton comes out and talks for a while.  They show Triple H turning on Orton back in 2004, Orton eliminating Triple H to win the Royal Rumble this year, and Orton’s various attacks on the McMahon family.  Orton says the IED was bullshit, which everyone knew.  He threatens the fans to shut up and listen to him talk or else.  They show the beatdown from last week.  He says he talked to Vickie Guerrero and she decreed that Triple H can lose the title by DQ or count-out and if Triple H brings a sledgehammer to the ring it’s an automatic DQ.  Orton calls for Dibiase and Rhodes to bring the security out.  He calls out Triple H because there’s an empty limo in the parking lot.  Mr. McMahon comes out instead!  Orton looks shocked.  Vince gets ready to fight.  Shane comes out next, followed by Triple H.  The McMahon men kick the shit out of Orton’s security detail, then brawl with Legacy.  Orton and Triple H end up brawling in the ring as the show fades to black.

WrestleMania 25 this Sunday on PPV!

I apologize for this review being so shitty.

WWE ECW 3/17/09 (Repost)

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 21, 2010 by Grappleholic

Cold open this week.  Finlay and Hornswoggle arrive and meet Teddy Long, clad in St. Patrick’s day attire.  Hornswoggle disappears to cause mischief.  ECW open.

Todd Grisham and Matt Striker welcome us to wherever the hell we are.  They taped last night, so I guess it’s San Antonio.

Christian & MVP vs. WWE United States Champion Shelton Benjamin & Mark Henry (w/ Tony Atlas).  MVP and Benjamin start.  They’ll wrestle for the title this week on Smackdown.  Commercial.  Steve Austin Hall of Fame commercial.  Back to the match, where Henry has MVP in a bearhug.  MVP plays face in peril for a while.  He counters a Paydirt attempt with an overhead belly-to-belly and makes the hot tag to Christian.  Christian hits his reverse DDT on Benjamin for a near fall, decks Mark Henry on the apron, hits a monkey flip and a sunset flip out of the corner for a near fall.  Christian hits a tornado DDT and covers, but Mark Henry comes in and pulls him off the cover.  MVP comes in and he and Christian deal with Henry.  Christian decks Tony Atlas, but Benjamin hits him with the Paydirt for the win at 8:56.  Good match.

12 Rounds plug.  I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF THIS MOVIE and it hasn’t even come out yet.

Finlay looks for Hornswoggle and finds DJ Gabriel and Alicia Fox, who are dancing.


WrestleMania XX video from last night or last week or whenever the hell they showed it.

Jamie Noble vs. Evan Bourne.  FUCK YEAH!  Awesome fast paced match.  Tyson Kidd and Natalya watch backstage.  Noble slows Bourne down by putting him in a facelock.  Bourne escapes and knees Noble in the face, then hits a swank rana.  Bourne hits a standing moonsault for a near fall.  Bourne heads to the top rope.  Noble stops him but gets kicked in the face a few times.  Bourne hits the Shooting Star press for the win at 2:56.  That ruled for a few minutes.  I want Bourne vs. Tyson Kidd!

Finlay finds Hornswoggle throwing stuff at Katie Lea.  Commercial.

Randy Orton/Triple H hype video.

Smackdown’s 500th episode this Friday night!

ECW Champion Jack Swagger comes out so the fans can look at him, then leaves.  That was pointless.

Tiffany convinces Teddy Long to have a divas night on ECW.  Paul Burchill and Katie Lea barge in to bitch about Hornswoggle.  Long books Burchill vs. Finlay tonight.

Tonight: The Dirt Sheet!

Edge/Vickie/Show/Cena stuff from Raw last night.

Paul Burchill (w/ Katie Lea) vs. Finlay (w/ Hornswoggle).  Finlay destroys Burchill as Hornswoggle bothers the announcers.  Finlay sends a charging Burchill out of the ring, but then the distraction allows Burchill to get a cheap shot and get the advantage.  Finlay gets beat up for a bit, then hits the Celtic Cross for the win at 3:05.

The Dirt Sheet is NEXT!

Undertaker/Michaels hype.


The Dirt Sheet.  I’ve never seen one of these.  World Tag Team Champions The Miz and John Morrison with the Bella Twins.  Brie seems unhappy to be there, while Nikki seems happy.  They show Miz and Morrison beating Carlito and Primo on Smackdown last week.  Miz and Morrison put on masks of butts with afros.  WWE Tag Team Champions The Colons come down and bring the Carlito’s Cabana set.  The Colons challenge Miz & Morrison to a tag title unification match at WrestleMania, and they accept.  The Colons spit apples at Miz and Morrison but miss and hit the Bella that likes Miz and Morrison.  She shoves the Bella who likes Primo and Carlito.  CATFIGHT!  Each team ends up with one of the twins.  Fin.  Fun show.

WWE ECW 1/13/09 (Repost)

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 21, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open, Hardy/Swagger hype video, then ECW open.

Todd Grisham and Matt Striker are our announcers.  Grisham puts this show over as one of the biggest ECW episodes in history.  DJ Gabriel and Alicia Fox are dancing in the ring.

DJ Gabriel & Alicia Fox vs. Paul Burchill & Katie Lea.  The ladies start.  Fox hits some weak looking forearms.  At least she’s trying.  I’ve never seen her wrestle before, but she actually looks decent.  The men tag in and Burchill kicks ass.  Man, I miss Pirate Paul.  I’ve still got a piece of plastic pirate gold he threw out at a house show I went to March 2006.  Gabriel is pretty jacked, and Burchill still looks huge next to him.  Either Gabriel is a small guy or I’ve never noticed how big Burchill is.  Gabriel hits a diving European uppercut on Burchill to win at 3:01.  Not bad for what it was.

They show the awesome Austin Hall of Fame video from Raw again.

Jack Swagger vs. Matt Hardy for the ECW Championship TONIGHT!  Commercial!

Royal Rumble Hype: World Heavyweight Champion John Cena vs. JBL (w/ Shawn Michaels).

Tommy Dreamer comes out in a suit.  There’s a sentence I never thought I would type.  Tommy is sad because he’s old.  He says if he doesn’t win the title by June 6, he’ll leave ECW.  Poor Tommy.

Another Jack Swagger video.  They’re trying like hell to put him over aren’t they?

Starrcade: The Essential Collection is available NOW!  I got the last copy my store had.

Tiffany and Ricky Ortiz are about to kiss when Hornswoggle runs in and causes a ruckus.  Finlay gives chase.

The Boogeyman vs. Sammy Savard.  Boogeyman wins in 59 seconds with the pumphandle slam.  At least it was short.  I saw Boogeyman and Booker T go 10 minutes at a house show once, and it wasn’t pretty.

Smackdown Rebound: Jeff Hardy and a paid actress his girlfriend had a car accident!

Matt Hardy is the ECW Champion, and Jack Swagger isn’t!  Enjoy it while you can, buddy.

Another plug for Kennedy’s movie.  I still don’t want to see it.

Mr. McMahon returns to Raw next week!  One of the video packages from Raw replays.  Among the people he fires are Kurt Angle and Mick Foley.  Burn, TNA, BURN!

ECW Championship Match: Matt Hardy (c) vs. Jack Swagger.  Boxing-style intros.  They sure are trying hard to make this feel like a big match.  Some fine wrestling to start.  Then a commercial.  Dammit.  Back from break, Swagger is in control, but Matt makes a comeback.  Swagger hits some forearms and sends Matt off the apron to the floor.  I hope Alicia Fox is watching and sees how to throw a proper forearm, because Swagger is throwing some good ones.  Another commercial.  Dammit.  Back again, Swagger is continuing to work over Matt’s arm so he can’t hit the Twist of Fate.  Swagger hits a superplex.  He tries for another, but Matt counters with a sunset flip powerbomb.  Matt gets a two count from that.  Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate, but Swagger counters and hits a Belly-to-Belly.  Swagger goes for the Doctor Bomb, but Hardy hits a Russian leg sweep for another near fall.  Swagger hits a quick Vader bomb in the corner for a near fall, then goes back to the arm with a cross armbreaker.  Rope break gets Matt out of it.  Matt hits a reverse DDT for a near fall.  Swagger throws Hardy into the exposed turnbuckle and hits the Doctor Bomb to win the title at 18:42.  I think there was more commercial time than wrestling time, but what was shown was pretty good.

WWE Monday Night Raw 4/5/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 5, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open.  Justin Roberts introduces the NEW World Heavyweight Champion, Jack Swagger!  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are the announcers.

The World Heavyweight Champion Champion Jack Swagger comes to the ring.  They show Swagger cashing in Money In The Bank and winning the title last week on Smackdown after Edge laid Jericho out.  Swagger says he cashed in on Jericho instead of John Cena because Jericho is superior to Cena.  Swagger says he’s going to Smackdown because no one on Raw compares to his abilities.  WWE Champion John Cena comes out.  He looks happy to actually be cheered tonight (for the most part).  He congratulates Swagger and calls him lucky.  He talks some more, insults Swagger, then challenges him to a match tonight.  Cena offers to put the WWE Title on the line.  Swagger says that doesn’t work for him.  Randy Orton comes out.  Orton says Swagger should face him, since Orton beat him last week.  The Unified Tag Team Champions Show Miz come out.  Miz does his usual babble about people stealing his spotlight.  Guest host David Otunga comes out and makes tonight’s matches: Orton vs. Swagger and Show Miz defending the tag titles against Batista & Cena.  Orton tries to RKO Cena, gets countered (or changes his mind), then RKO’s Swagger.  Cena tips his hat to Orton.  Fun opening segment.

Kofi Kingston vs. Sheamus.  Kofi throws some kicks.  Sheamus hits the uranage backbreaker, then puts the boots to Kofi.  Sheamus beats up Kofi some more.  Kofi catches him with a kick and hits a springboard cross body.  “Controlled frenzy!’  Kofi springs off of the ropes and hits a dropkick, then does his jump into the corner and punches.  Sheamus goes for his pump kick and its up just kneeing him, then hits the pump kick and the Razor’s Edge for the pin in 2:58.  It was pretty good for what it was: a 3 minute throwaway Raw match.  Sheamus gets his pipe that he used last week from under the ring and whacks Kofi in the back of the head with it.

Triple H is headed our way!  Sheamus doesn’t look pleased.

Slam of the Week: Sheamus whacked Triple H in the head with a pipe last week.

Sheamus cuts a promo in the ring.  He talks about Triple H and other people crying over Shawn Michaels’ retirement last week.  Triple H comes out and grabs his sledgehammer from under the ring.  He blocks Sheamus’ block and hits with the the sledgehammer.  Outside, Triple H swings for Sheamus again, but Sheamus moves and Triple H kills a monitor.  Sheamus runs away through the crowd.  Triple H says “Isn’t that like a silly Irishman?  Bring a pipe to a sledgehammer fight!”

A Divas Battle Royal is next!  Fuck. plug.

Cole and Lawler talk about the Sheamus/Triple H fight.  WWE Divas Champion Maryse has joined them at the table.

Justin Roberts announces this crap.  They’re dressed up and it’s for a title shot.

Red Carpet “Dress To Impress” Divas Battle Royal featuring Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox, Gail Kim, Rosa Mendez, Jillian Hall, Katie Lea Burchill, The Bella Twins, and Eve Torres.  The Bellas dump Rosa.  Fox eliminates one of the Bellas.  The other is gone too somehow.  Kelly dropkicks Gail and Katie off the apron to eliminate both of them.  Kelly heads a spinning head scissors on Fox.  Jillian eliminates Kelly.  Fox and Hall work together against Eve.  Eve avoids Fox in the corner and eliminates her.  Fox tries to eliminate Eve because she’s a poor sport.  Eve kicks her away and low bridges Hall out of the ring to win it in 2:36.  Sucked, but it was short.

Still to come, Orton vs. Swagger and Miz Show vs. Cenatista!

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

David Otunga’s NXT video package.

David Otunga is backstage with random hangers on.  He has his 427 green M&Ms.  Did he count them?  Santino Marella comes in.  He things the A-Team is there.  He’s mad when he find out Mr. T isn’t there.  Hornswoggle messes with the M&Ms.  Otunga’s goons run after Hornswoggle, with one of them jumping over the catering table.  Heh.

Show Miz are headed our way!  They’ll defend the titles against John Cena & Batista.

Unified WWE Tag Team Championship Match: The Big Show & WWE United States Champion The Miz (c) vs. WWE Champion John Cena & Batista.  Batista wrings Miz’s arm, then takes him down and puts him in a rear chin lock.  Miz fights out.  Cena hits a drop toe hold and goes for the STF.  Miz scampers away.  Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Miz makes the tag to Show.  Show beats up Cena.  Miz tags in again.  Cena avoids him in the corner and goes to make the tag, but Batista drops off the apron and leaves.  Cena runs up the ramp and attacks Batista.  Show Miz wins by count-out in 2:26.  Cena realizes he screwed up.  David Otunga comes back out and says that later tonight, Show Miz will defend the titles against Cena and himself!  I like it.

Moments ago, ^ happened.

Ted Dibiase Jr. comes out carrying the MILLION DOLLAR BELT!  They show what happened last Monday in the Legends Lumberjack Match, after which Dibiase Jr. shoved his dad.  Dibiase says last week was the first time his dad after acted like a father.  He talks about his dad not being there for his childhood.  He says his dad won him over through his trust fund and through giving him the Million Dollar Championship.

Million Dollar Champion Ted Dibiase Jr. vs. Christian.  Christian hits Dibiase with some slaps, then backdrops him.  Christian does his weird “stand on the guy on the middle rope” bit, throws Dibiase out of the ring, then hits a baseball slide dropkick.  Christian goes to the top rope and wipes out Dibiase with a dive to the outside.  Dibiase catches Christian coming back in with a neckbreaker, then beats him up.  Christian tries to make a comeback, but Dibiase cuts him off with a lariat for 2.  Christian makes his comeback and hits a diving cross body for 2.  They counter each other’s finish.  Christian schoolboys Dibiase for 2.  Dibiase avoids Christian’s tornado DDT, sends him into the post, and hits the Dream Street for the pin in 4:17.  Really good little TV match.

Still to come, Jack Swagger vs. Randy Orton!

The DRAFT will be on April 26!

Shawn Michaels retirement video package.

They show the Sheamus/Triple H fight from earlier.

Randy Orton is headed our way!  Earlier tonight, he did what he did earlier tonight!  He’ll face the World Heavyweight Champion Champion Jack Swagger NEXT!

Non-Title: World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger vs. Randy Orton.  Swagger goes on the attack early.  Orton responds with the Garvin Stomp and a knee drop for 2.  Swagger comes back and clotheslines Orton out of the ring.  Commercials!  Orton fights out of  a bear hug.  They fight outside a bit.  They come back in and Swagger shoulder blocks Orton off the apron and into the guardrail, then throws him into the steps.  Back inside, Swagger hits a backdrop suplex for 2.  Swagger locks Orton in an abdominal stretch.  Orton escapes and hits the DDT OF MURDER!  Cover, but Swagger gets his foot on the bottom rope.  Orton hits the 3.0, goes into his mat pounding routine, and goes for the RKO.  Swagger counters and boots him in the face for 2.  Swagger hits the springboard Vader Bomb for 2.  Swagger hits it again, then goes for the Doctor Bomb.  Orton counters, hits the RKO, and pins the World Champion clean in 10:49.  Would it really have hurt to give Swagger a win here?  Good match, though.

Earlier tonight, the Tag title match and related shenanigans happened!  The other Tag title match is NXT!

Next week’s guest host will be David Hasselhoff!

Unified WWE Tag Team Championship Match: The Big Show & WWE United States Champion The Miz (c) vs. WWE Champion John Cena & David Otunga.  Cena and Miz start again.  Otunga tags in and puts Miz in a side headlock.  Otunga works over Miz a bit.  Cena tags back in and works over Miz a bit more.  Cena hits a bulldog for… 0?  Show headbutts Cena from the apron.  Miz pounds Cena’s face.  Show tags in and continues the pounding.  Cena plays face in peril for a while.  Cena and Miz do a double clothesline spot.  Cena goes for the hot tag, but Otunga jumps off the apron.  That prick.  Show KO punches Cena (the camera missed it) for the pin in 5:57.  So in storyline, Otunga is a moron who’d give up the tag titles to be a prick.  Batista comes in and gives Cena the Batista Bomb.

Batista calls for a spotlight.  Otunga says Batista has an announcement to make.  As if we couldn’t guess.  Batista says he’s invoking his rematch for the title at Extreme Rules in a Last Man Standing Match.  Why not just take the belt right now since you laid the guy out and have the guest host in your back pocket?  For the record, I’m not bitching about the booking, just pointing out a logic gap.  Batista poses as the show closes.

Very good show this week.

WWE Superstars 3/18/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 18, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open, Superstars open, pyro and… well, it was Kane’s pyro.

Todd Grisham and Matt Striker are announce team #1.

Kane vs. Shelton Benjamin.  Aren’t they both faces?  Shelton grabs a side headlock, gets thrown off and shoulder blocked.  Kane does an amateur style takedown and they actually do some mat wrestling!  Kane hits his basement dropkick for 2, then cranks on Shelton’s arm.  Kane hits a sidewalk slam for 1 or 2, then continues cranking on the arm.  Shelton breaks free and comes off the second rope.  Kane catches him with a goozle.  Shelton counters and goes for his move.  Kane counters.  Kane goes up top.  Shelton fights him off and knocks him out of the ring.  Shelton wipes Kane out with an Asai moonsault.  Commercials!  Benjamin cranks on a rear chin lock.  Kane breaks free and hits Benjamin with a big boot for 2.  Benjamin hits a sweet diving bulldog headlock for 2.  Kane hits a big sidewalk slam for 2.  Kane hits the diving lariat, then goes for the chokeslam.  Benjamin counters with a DDT for 2.  They counter each other’s moves again.  Benjamin hits the Dragon Whip.  Kane rallies and hits the chokeslam for the pin in 10:53.  Good little match.

Main event tonight: Christian, Mark Henry, & Yoshi Tatsu take on William Regal, Jack Swagger, & Zack Ryder!

Same WrestleMania Rewind from all week, for the same reason.

Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole are now the announcers.

Jillian Hall and Katie Lea Burchill come out.  Katie cuts a promo.  Jillian interrupts to sing.

Jillian Hall & Katie Lea Burchill vs. The Bella Twins.  Katie starts with whichever Bella is in the ring.  Bella busts out a swank armdrag, then tags in her sister, who gets a sunset flip for 2.  Katie beats her up.  The Bellas’ mom is in the audience.  Hall tags in and the Bellas work her over.  Hall drops one of them with an electric chair drop for 2.  The heels get heat on the Bella.  Bella makes a comeback.  There may have been a tag in there.  Stuff happens.  A Bella gets Hall in a nifty pinning predicament for the pin in 4:42.  Their mom cheers.

The main event is still to come!

Raw Rebound, WrestleMania cardy hype.

The main event is NEXT!

William Regal, Jack Swagger, & Zack Ryder (w/ Rosa Mendez) vs. Christian, Mark Henry, & Yoshi Tatsu.  Tatsu and Ryder start.  Good action.  Tatsu hits some kicks, cranks Ryder’s arm, and tags in Christian.  Ryder scampers away and tags in Swagger, who comes in looking cocky.  Christian tags in Mark Henry.  Swagger and Ryder double team Henry.  They try a suplex, but Henry suplexes them both.  Christian and Yoshi run in and they run the heels out of the ring.  Henry press slams Ryder out of the ring and onto Swagger.  Commercials!  Christian and Regal go at it, which is always a good time.  Christian hits the Sliding D for 2.  Tatsu comes in with a big kick off the top rope on Swagger for 2.  The bad guys take turns beating up Tatsu.  Christian gets the hot tag and runs wild on Ryder.  Awesome spot where Swagger runs in, but Christian drops Ryder with the reverse DDT to avoid him.  Stuff happens.  Ryder avoids a diving cross body and hits a neckbreaker for 2.  Ryder goes for the Rough Ryder, but Christian powerbombs him.  Regal saves, clusterfuck ensues.  Christian hits his weird corner kick, a diving elbow smash, and the Killswitch for the pin in 14:06.  Really fun match.  The faces celebrate the victory.

Very fun episode of Superstars!

WWE Monday Night Raw 3/8/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 8, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open, cut straight to the arena.  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are on commentary.

The Undertaker comes to the ring.  He talks about Shawn Michaels’ obsession with him.  Undertaker says at WrestleMania, Michaels’ career will “Rest… In…”  Michaels comes out.  Michaels says Undertaker fears him, and that’s why he appeared on the screen to distract Michaels and caused him to lose last week.  They go on, and agree to make the Mania match No DQ and No Count-Outs.  Undertaker says Shawn won’t be “Mr. WrestleMania” this year.  Shawn says he’ll end the streak.

Tonight, Legacy EXPLODES!  Plus, Mr. McMahon takes on John Cena!

Gail Kim, Kelly Kelly, & Eve Torres vs. WWE Divas Champion Maryse, Alicia Fox, & Katie Lea Burchill.  Jobber entrance for the heel divas.  Gail and Alicia do stuff.  Gail clotheslines Katie Lea off of the apron.  Alicia decks Gail, rams her into Maryse’s boot, then tags in Maryse.  Maryse hits a backbreaker for 2.  Maryse decks Kelly, then taunts Maryse.  Maryse decks her and tags in Eve.  Eve hits a dropkick for 2, then hits her senton, but Katie and Alicia save.  Gail and Kelly dropkick them.  Eve locks Maryse in a flying cross armbreaker for the win in 3:02.  Whatever.

Triple H talks TONIGHT!  Plus, Criss Angel is the guest host!

The guest host, Criss Angel, talks to Hornswoggle.  The Bella Twins come in.  They want to be his assistants.  He says he doesn’t use twins.  Angel puts a string in his mouth, then pulls it out of his nose.  Gross.  Jillian Hall comes in and sings.  Angel makes her lose her voice.  THANK YOU!

Show Miz are headed our way!  They’re going to face their WrestleMania opponents NEXT!  Yes, they’re giving away a match on free TV that you’re supposed to want to pay money for.

Slam of the Week: Last week on Smackdown, John Morrison & R-Truth won a #1 Contenders Match for the Tag titles at WrestleMania.

ShowMiz comes out.  Miz cuts a promo, saying Morrison and Truth don’t deserve to face them at WrestleMania.

Non-Title: Unified WWE Tag Team Champions The Big Show & WWE United States Champion The Miz vs. John Morrison & R-Truth.  Miz and Truth start.  Morrison slides across the ring and kicks Show.  They clothesline Miz out of the ring and hit a double baseball slide dropkick.  The referee throws it out at the 35 second mark.  Show goes after them, but they drop him with a double DDT, then front suplex Miz across the barricade.  Morrison talks, then Truth says “That’s what’s up!”

Legacy explodes TONIGHT!  Plus, McMahon vs. Cena.  We’ll hear from Cena NEXT!

WrestleMania is 20 days away!

Cena/Batista video package.

Josh Matthews interviews John Cena.  He says he can’t beat Batista, so he’s going to beat him.  Okay.  Cena says he’s counting on Batista interfering tonight.

Evan Bourne thanks Criss Angel for giving him a Money In The Bank Qualifying Match against William Regal.  Skip Sheffield and William Regal come in.  Regal tells Bourne he’ll see him in the ring.  Sheffield wants Angel to do a magic trick.  He tells Regal to write a number down and hold it against his chest.  He “reads Regal’s mind” to figure out the number.  Sheffield says Regal owes him a Travis Tritt CD.

Legacy dissension video package.

Handicap Match: Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase Jr. vs. Randy Orton.  Orton jumps them from behind during their entrance.  Commercials, then the match starts.  Orton and Rhodes fight.  Rhodes gets beaten up and tags in Dibiase.  Dibiase gets beat up and tags Rhodes back in.  Dibiase gets a cheap shot in and they beat up Orton.  Orton backdrops Rhodes out of the ring.  Dibiase tries to get Orton from behind, but gets caught and bails.  Commercials.  Orton keeps beating them both up.  Dibiase pulls Orton out of the ring and dropkicks him.  Back in the ring, Orton gets beaten up.  Orton makes his comeback, snap powerslamming both of them.  3.0 on Dibiase.  Orton looks up at the WrestleMania sign, then does the “stalking fore the RKO bit.”  Rhodes tries to get him in a hold, but fails.  Dibiase hits the Dream Street on Orton for the pin in about 11 minutes.  It was fine, I guess.  I have to be honest, I flipped the iMPACT! just for a second a few times to see what was going on.  Man, I feel like I’ve been transported back to 1997.  Rhodes hits the Cross Rhodes on Orton, then he and Dibiase do Orton’s pose.  It’s a new day indeed.

Batista watches TV backstage.  Josh Matthews comes in to interview him.  Batista gives his word as WWE Champion that he won’t interfere in the match tonight.  He’s dressed to wrestle, but he randomly is a lot of the time.  And he has a nose ring now.  Gay.

Triple H is headed our way!

Stone Cold Steve Austin will be the guest host next week! hype.

Triple H comes out.  They show Sheamus attacking him last week.  Triple H says he kind of respects what Sheamus did last week.  Sheamus comes out.  Sheamus challenges him to a match at WrestleMania.  Without mentioning names, Triple H talks about getting squashed by the Ultimate Warrior at WrestleMania XII.  He talks about rising to the top and becoming the guy people tried to make their name against at WrestleMania.  Some succeeded, more failed.  I’m not sure if that’s accurate.  They fight.  Triple H clotheslines Sheamus out of the ring.  Sheamus pulls him out and kicks his ass.  Triple H avoids the pump kick and clotheslines him over the barricade into the timekeeper’s position.  Sheamus tries to get away, but Triple H jumps him from behind.  Sheamus rallies, rams Triple H into the announce table, and throws him in the ring.  Triple H hits the spinebuster.  Sheamus bails.  I guess it’s official.

Santino Marella talks to Criss Angel.  Santino says funny things and does the disappearing thumb thing.  Angel does a magic trick involving styrofoam cups and a sushi knife.

Justin Roberts introduces the Money In The Bank Qualifying Match.  Christian (w/ Heath Slater) has joined the commentary team for this match.

Money In The Bank Qualifying Match: Evan Bourne vs. William Regal (w/ Skip Sheffield).  Regal kicks Bourne’s ass, and it’s good.  Bourne responds with kicks.  Regal murders him with a forearm.  Regal hits some suplex for 2.  Regal hits an Exploder, makes sure Sheffield is watching, and goes for the knee trembler.  Bourne knees him in the face and hits the Shooting Star press for the pin in 1:28.  Bourne is going to WrestleMania!  Christian says he’ll win Money In The Bank this year.

Cena vs. Vince TONIGHT!

Undertaker/Michaels video package.

WrestleMania Recall: Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg with Stone Cold Steve Austin as the referee at WrestleMania XX.  Man, that match was a fucking abortion.  Stone Cold guest hosts next week!

Cole and Lawler hype the Mania card.

“Last Monday” video with Vince and Bret Hart.

Vince McMahon is headed our way!  He looks small.

Next week is WrestleMania Rewind week, including John Cena vs. Big Show, Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho, and Triple H vs. Randy Orton, PLUS Bret and Vince sign the contract for WrestleMania.

Justin Roberts introduces Criss Angel.  He talks a bit, then does intros for the main event.  Vince cuts a promo on Bret Hart before the match, then makes the match a Handicap Gauntlet Match…

Handicap Gauntlet Match: John Cena vs. Vince McMahon & others.  Vladimir Kozlov beats up Cena, then tags in Vince.  Vince covers Cena for 2.  McMahon calls Drew McIntyre out.  McIntyre beats up Cena, then tags in Vince again.  Vince again covers for 2.  Vince calls in Jack Swagger.  I’m having to go back and add these names.  Commercials.  Cena is making a comeback.  He goes for the Attitude Adjustment on Swagger, but Swagger counters with an amateur hold.  Now it’s just Swagger and McMahon.  I’m confused.  Swagger hits 2 Vader Bombs and tags in McMahon.  Vince still can’t put Cena away.  He calls out Mark Henry.  Henry reluctantly hits the World’s Strongest Slam and tags in Vince.  Vince still can’t pin Cena.  Vince grabs the ring bell and makes the match No DQ.  Henry doesn’t want to let him use it.  Vince orders Henry to use it.  Batista appears and spears Mark Henry, then kicks him out of the ring.  Kofi Kingston hits the ring and runs wild on Batista.  Batista powerbombs Kingston out of the corner.  Cena cleans house on Batista, then turns his attention to Vince.  Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Batista spears Cena again.  Batista hits the Batista Bomb.  Vince finally pins Cena in 11:19 or so (no bell).  What a Russo-riffic clusterfuck.  Batista stands over Cena and yells to close the show.

Man, THIS is the show they put against Impact?  They have even less faith in TNA’s ability to draw viewers than I do.