Archive for Justin Long

WWE Monday Night Raw 8/16/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 17, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open, Raw open, pyro and ballyhoo.  We’re LIVE from Los Angeles!  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are the announcers.  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.  Last night, Team WWE survived!

The Nexus come out.  Wade Barrett says they eliminated six of the best that Raw had to offer before they lost last night.  He says the Raw roster will face severe consequences because of their loss.  John Cena interrupts.  He makes fun of Barrett for tapping out and for having a British accent, apparently.  Cena calls them the Expendables.  Cena puts over Daniel Bryan for “eliminating half of the Nexus by himself.”  Actually, I think it was 2/7ths.  Cena says it’s been proven that they can be beat.  Cena calls Otunga “a below average male escort.”  It’s true.  He calls Tarver “an MMA bank robber who works nights as a male stripper.”  He calls Slater “the chick from Wendy’s.”  A graphic shows up on the tron for that one.  He says Young is proof that Cena’s mother had a lusty affair with Buckwheat.  He implies that Gabriel is gay and Sheffield is retarded, or something.  He says The Nexus is history.  Young tries to retort, but Cena reminds him that he tapped out in under a minute, calling him the weakest link.  The Nexus start to argue amongst themselves.  Cole gets an email from the iBooker 9000.  The crowd hates that shit.  iBooker says tonight, Nexus will face members of Team WWE in a series of matches, and promises “consequences” if there is any interference.  Barrett says that’s not punishment, it’s an opportunity for redemption.  Crowd chants “YOU TAPPED OUT!”  Barrett says any Nexus member who loses tonight will be exiled from the group.  Otunga tells Barrett that that applies to him too.  Cole gets ANOTHER email from the iBooker that says The Nexus can choose which Nexus member faces which Team WWE member… except for Barrett, who will face Chris Jericho NEXT!  Great opening segment.  Cena had some really funny lines.  Commercials!

WWE.com plug.

Wade Barrett vs. Chris Jericho.  “Y2J!” chants.  Jericho goes on the attack.  Jericho hits a suplex.  The Nexus are watching backstage!  Jericho lands a dropkick.  Barrett goes to the apron.  Jericho knocks him off with the springboard dropkick.  Jericho brings Barrett back in and goes up top, but Barrett boots him to the floor.  Barrett rams Jericho’s back into the side of the apron, then beats him down at ringside.  Barrett whips Jericho into the corner.  He’s working Jericho’s back.  Jericho fires a chop, so he’s gonna be in trouble since he’s not Asian.  Barrett pulls Jericho’s back into his knee.  Jericho fights out and catches a charging Barrett with a boot.  Jericho hits a missile dropkick for 2.  Jericho hits some shoulder blocks and the bulldog.  Jericho goes for the Walls of Jericho, but Barrett counters out and goes for his move.  Jericho counters and locks in the Walls of Jericho.  Barrett gets a rope break, then mows down Jericho with a big boot for 2.  Jericho avoids a backdrop suplex and lands an enzuigiri.  He goes for the Codebreaker, but Barrett counters and hits his Fireman’s carry slam for the pin in 5:22.  Fine little TV match.

Tonight, members of The Nexus vs. members of Team WWE!  Wait, how the fuck is Bret going to work a singles match?  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Justin Roberts introduces tonight’s guest hosts from the movie “Going The Distance,” Charlie Day, Jason Sudeikis, and Justin Long!  They come out and goof off, then introduce Unified WWE Tag Team Champions The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya).  Cole gets yet another email from the iBooker 9000 saying that from now on the titles will be known as the WWE Tag Team Championship.  Presenting the new belts is Bret Hart!  The new belts are fugly.  The Nexus appear on screen.  Wade Barrett says Bret’s opponent tonight will be Justin Gabriel.  Gabriel says tonight, Bret will experience the 450 splash.  Commercials.

Plug for the SummerSlam song.

Los Angeles!

Cole and Lawler talk about Daniel Bryan’s return last night.

Michael Tarver vs. Daniel Bryan.  Cole is in full Danielson hate mode.  They lock up.  “DANIEL BRYAN!” chant.  Tarver lands a bunch of punches.  Bryan boots him in the face and hits a running knee for 2.  Bryan hits some shoulder stunners and a suplex for 2.  Danielson lands some kicks.  Bryan ducks under Tarver and lands a dropkick, then a missile dropkick.  Bryan nips up.  WWE United States Champion The Miz and Alex Riley run out to distract Bryan.  Tarver gets a schoolboy for the pin in 2:09.  Bryan hits a tope suicida on Miz.  Miz, Riley, and Tarver beat down Bryan.  Miz gives Bryan the Skull Crushing Finale onto the briefcase.  The match was fine while it lasted, but why the fuck does that useless piece of shit Tarver get to stay?

Gabriel vs. Hart is next.  Commercials.  Fuck.

Moments ago, The Miz fucked Daniel Bryan and everyone who watches WWE by saving that piece of shit Michael Tarver’s spot.

The Miz and Alex Riley are walking backstage.  Josh Matthews stops them to interview them.  Miz really hates Daniel Bryan.  He puts over Riley, then Riley puts himself over.

The Nexus are chatting in their locker room.  Black Cena says he wants Cena tonight.

Gabriel vs. Hart is next for real this time!  Commercials!

Cole gets YET ANOTHER FUCKING EMAIL FROM THE iBOOKER 9000!  It says that Bret won’t be wrestling tonight.  Thank God.  The iBooker doesn’t like Bret Hart.  He’ll be replaced by… Randy Orton.  Fuck.  Goodbye, Justin Gabriel.

Justin Gabriel vs. Randy Orton.  Lock up.  Orton backs Gabriel into the corner.  Gabriel escapes and throws a kick, which seems to amuse Orton.  Gabriel grabs a side headlock, then lands some more kicks.  Orton is enjoying this.  He catches Gabriel’s leg, then hits him with clotheslines.  Orton hits the powerslam, then the DDT OF MURDER, then humps the mat.  WWE Champion Sheamus comes out.  Orton meets him to brawl on the floor and into the crowd.  Orton gets counted out in 2:49.  Gabriel gets the stay.  I’m relieved.  Orton realizes he lost, then drops Gabriel with the RKO.  Orton beats the shit out of Sheamus with a chair.  Orton starts to leave, then comes back and gives Sheamus an RKO.  I’m just relieved that Gabriel keeps his spot.  He’s the best member of the Nexus by far.  Commercials.

Moments ago, Orton fucked Sheamus’ shit all up!

Skip Sheffield & David Otunga vs. John Morrison & R-Truth.  Morrison and Otunga lock up.  Morrison hits a side Russian leg sweep and tags in Truth.  The Nexus are backstage watching Truth hit a diving leg drop for 2.  Sheffield tags in and gets beaten up by Truth.  Sheffield hits an over the shoulder powerslam, then stomps on Truth.  Otunga tags in.  Truth hits a Complete Shot and makes the tag to Morrison.  Morrison runs wild.  Sheffield makes a blind tag and kills Morrison with a clothesline, then knocks Truth off of the apron.  Sheffield hits another killer lariat on Morrison for the pin in 2:59.  This wasn’t good, but Sheffield is awesome.

Melina, Eve Torres, & Gail Kim are headed our way!  Commercials.

Last night, Michelle McCool and Layla attacked Melina after she won the Divas Championship.

WWE Divas Champion Melina, Eve Torres, & Gail Kim vs. Alicia Fox, Maryse, & Jillian Hall.  Jon Lovitz is in the crowd.  Gail rams Maryse’s head into the mat.  Why do that?  You actually know how to wrestle!  Gail hits a rebound cross body for 2.  Gail ties Maryse to the tree of woe and tags in Melina, who hits Maryse with a running vagina to the corner.  Melina gets beaten up in the heel corner.  Maryse lands a kick for 2.  Fox tags in and hits a Northern Lights suplex hold for 2.  Fox stretches Melina across her knee.  Melina hits a jawbreaker.  Eve and Jillian tag in.  Eve runs wild.  Eve hits a senton, but Fox saves.  Melina takes Fox out.  Gail takes Maryse out.  Eve drops Jillian and goes up top, but Jillian kind of powerbombs her down for the pin in 2:53.  Was not expecting that finish.  Jillian never wins anything.  Fox and Maryse kind of bicker.  The match was sort of okay.

Josh Matthews interviews Edge.  Heath Slater interrupts.  Slater wants Edge to take a forfeit the match.  Edge says he’s not going to forfeit a match to Wendy.  Slater decks Edge.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Some dude from True Blood is here.

Heath Slater vs. Edge.  Edge is pissed.  He kicks Slater’s ass.  Edge goes up top, but Slater cuts him off and knocks him to the floor.  Slater beats up Edge on the outside.  Back inside, cover gets 2.  Slater beats up Edge.  Edge avoids a splash in the corner and makes his comeback.  Edge-O-Matic gets 2.  Slater hits a big flapjack for 2.  You can hear some fan yell “I hate you, Heath Slater!”  Edge spears Slater in the corner.  Slater avoids a baseball slide dropkick, but Edge drops him with a big boot on the floor.  Edge goes for spear at ringside, but Slater slips back into the ring and wins by count-out in 4:31.  It was there.  Edge spears Slater after the match.  Commercials.

Los Angeles!

Justin Long talks to Great Khali backstage.  Long says Khali doesn’t do the Kiss Cam because he has a girlfriend now.  Khali speaks Khalese.  Ranjin Singh translates that Khali wants long distance relationship advice.  Singh shows a picture of Khali’s girlfriend, who is apparently very ugly.  The other 2 goobs come in and are very vocal about her ugliness.  Khali scares them away.  Khali looks at the picture and says “Yeah, she’s pretty ugly.”  The Bella Twins come in and leave with Khali.  Stupid segment.

SummerSlam Rewind is last week’s hype leading up to last night’s show.

Cena vs. Black Cena is NEXT!  Commercials!

WWE Rewind: Last month, John Cena beat the fuck out of Darren Young.

Darren Young vs. John Cena.  The rest of the Nexus come out to stand on the stage.  Young goes for a schoolboy immediately, but gets 0.  Young gets a backslide for 2.  Cena wrings Young’s arm and takes him down with a side headlock.  They lock up and Young grabs a side headlock.  Cena does a drop down, leapfrog, shoulder block, then goes back to the side headlock.  Young hits a leg drop for 2.  Young hits a short range lariat for 2.  Young hits a suplex for 2.  Young hits a butt butt for 2.  Cena fights back.  Young boots him in the gut and hits a swinging neckbreaker for 2.  Young applies a rear chin lock.  Young catches Cena charging in the corner with an elbow smash, then hits an elbow drop for 2.  Young hits a leg drop for 2.  Young hits a Northern Lights suplex hold for 2.  I’m shocked that Young is getting any offense, much less dominating Cena.  Young knocks Cena out of the ring and dropkicks the steps into him.  Cena beats the count back in at 9.  Cena avoids a leg drop and makes his comeback.  Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment.  Young counters and goes for a sunset flip, but Cena counters into the STF for the win in 7:59.  The match… was there.  The Nexus surround the ring… but let Cena leave.  Young pleads his case.  Lawler calls Young “Daniel Bryan.”  Wrong dude altogether.  The Nexus beat the shit out of Young.  Barrett hits his Fireman carry slam.  Gabriel hits the 450.  The Nexus 6 stand tall.

This show… was fine as far as keeping the angle going, but none of the matches were any good and the show felt like a mess at times.

WWE Monday Night Raw 8/9/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 12, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open, Raw open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are the announcers LIVE from Sacramento, California.  Tonight, John Cena & Bret Hart take on Edge & Chris Jericho with The Nexus as Lumberjacks!  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

Bret Hart comes out to cut a promo.  He says he’s been training for SummerSlam, but he’s disappointed to see his team falling apart.  He asks Chris Jericho and Edge to come out.  Jericho comes out expecting Bret to kiss his ass.  Bret says he put his reputation on the line when he vouched for Edge and Jericho to Cena.  He wants them to get their heads out of their asses and rejoin the SummerSlam team.  Jericho refuses, because he’s a prick.  Jericho says Bret just doesn’t want to get beat up by Edge and Jericho tonight.  He runs down Bret some more, then Edge comes out.  Edge talks to Jericho about how they both idolized Bret as a kid, then tells Bret they can count on him.  Edge tries to cheap shot Bret, but Bret trips him and goes for the Sharpshooter.  Jericho pokes Bret in the eye and Edge and Jericho make their escape.  Natalya comes out and pleads with Bret.  They show the Nexus beating the shit out of The Hart Dynasty backstage.  Bret and Natalya run to the back.  This was a good segment except for the part where Bret STILL CAN’T DO ANYTHING PHYSICAL, SO WHY THE FUCK IS HE OUT THERE?  Commercials.

Bret, Natalya, and the trainers check on the Hart Dynasty.  Bret is ready to go fuck somebody up, but John Cena shows up to calm him down.  Cena says he’s going to talk to Great Khali.

Non-Title: WWE United States Champion The Miz vs. Evan Bourne.  They lock up.  Bourne has a black eye.  Miz beats up Bourne.  Miz chokes Bourne against the middle rope for 2.  Isn’t that grounds for being fired?  Miz applies a rear chin lock.  Bourne fights out.  Miz hits the corner clothesline for 2.  Miz goes back to the rear chin lock.  Miz goes for a suplex, but Bourne knees his way out.  Bourne lands some kicks.  Bourne hits a sweet rebound Frankensteiner for 2.  Miz hits a lariat that Bourne does a 360 flip for.  Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale for the pin in 3:59.  Good little match.  It’s a shame that they completely kiboshed Bourne’s push, though.  Miz says when he gets ready to cash in his Money In The Bank contract, he’ll be WWE Champion.

John Cena talks to Great Khali.

Tonight, Cena & Bret vs. Edge & Jericho with the Nexus as Lumberjacks!  Commercials!

Slam of the Week: Melina returning to take out Alicia Fox last week after the six-woman tag.

Non-Title: Melina vs. WWE Divas Champion Alicia Fox.  Melina tries to lock up, but Fox powers her into the corner and beats on her.  Melina fights back and beats on Fox.  Melina hits her modified Stroke thing, then sends Fox outside.  Fox clotheslines Melina on the outside.  Back inside, Fox covers for 2.  Fox hits a half assed tilt a whirl backbreaker for 2.  Fox applies a rear chin lock and knees Melina in the back.  Melina fights back.  Fox locks in a Canadian backbreaker.  Melina screams and hits the Code Red for the pin in 3:38.  They tried, but it wasn’t pretty.

Josh Matthews interviews Great Khali.  He says he’s with WWE, then babbles in Khalese.  He wants somebody named Red Berry in a match tonight.  Matthews interprets it as “Wade Barrett.”  Commercials.

During the break, Michael Cole got an email from the iBooker 9000 announcing Melina vs. Alicia Fox for the Divas Championship at SummerSlam.  Ugh.  Also, Barrett will face Khali tonight.

Tonight, Divas wrestle in swimsuits!  Less interestingly, Sheamus calls out Randy Orton.

Edge and Jericho talk backstage.  Jericho thinks they’ve made a mistake.  Edge says they’ve survived everything else that has happened over the last 10 years.  Jericho says they should take out Cena and Bret tonight, because for some reason, The Nexus not having a match at SummerSlam protects them.

John Morrison and R-Truth talk.  Mark Henry says he’ll be a replacement on the SummerSlam team.

The Nexus watch TV!  Commercials!

Million Dollar Champion Ted Dibiase Jr. (w/ Maryse) and Mark Henry come out for their match, but the Nexus show up and jump Mark Henry.  They send him into the steps, then run out through the crowd.  Henry is KTFO’d.

WWE Champion Sheamus is headed our way!  Commercials.

WWE Rewind: Randy Orton vs. The Miz from last week.

WWE Champion Sheamus comes out.  He gives the usual pussy cop out answer that he was scared of what he’d do to Orton.  They show a video package of Sheamus destroying people.  He babbles some more and calls out Randy Orton.  Orton comes out and calls him out on his pussy cop out line.  They banter back and forth.  Orton challenges Sheamus to fight.  Cole gets an email from the iBooker 9000 saying that if anyone interferes in the title match at SummerSlam, they will be suspended indefinitely.  Also, it’s Orton’s last title shot at Sheamus.  The iBooker also challenges Sheamus to stop being a pussy and fight Orton.  Sheamus teases taking a shot, but tries to leave.  Orton attacks Sheamus and goes for the pump kick, but Orton hits the 3.0.  Orton goes for the PUNT OF DOOM, but stops short and lets Sheamus live.  Orton holds up the belt, throws it back to Sheamus, and leaves.

Tonight, Cena & Bret vs. Edge & Jericho with the Nexus as Lumberjacks!  Commercials!

SummerSlam song plug.

Kaval, Percy Watson, & Lucky Cannon vs. Michael McGillicutty, Alex Riley, & Husky Harris.  Sheamus is still sitting at ringside for some reason.  Watson and McGillicutty start.  Watson drops him with an elbow for 2.  McGillicutty lands a dropkick and tags in Riley.  Riley puts the boots to Watson in the corner.  Riley locks Watson in a rear chin lock.  Watson drops Riley with an enzuigiri and makes the tag to Kaval.  Kaval runs wild on Riley.  Kaval locks Riley in the Dragon Clutch on the ropes, then hits the Tidal Crush for 2.  Cannon takes out McGillicutty with a dive.  Kaval hits the double stomp on Riley.  Harris blind tags in and hits Kaval from behind.  Harris hits Kaval with the senton splash for the pin in 3:02.  Fine little TV match.  Sheamus attacks Cannon and McGillicutty at ringside, then hits the Razor’s Edge on Kaval.  Sheamus says he was sending a message, presumably that he’s not a coward.  Naturally, Kaval is made to look like the biggest jobber of the bunch.

John Morrison & R-Truth are headed our way!  Commercials.

Tonight, Great Khali vs. Wade Barrett!

John Morrison & R-Truth vs. William Regal & Zack Ryder.  Regal and Ryder work over Truth.  Morrison gets the hot tag and runs wild.  Morrison hits a sweet one man Spanish Fly on Ryder, but Regal saves.  Truth takes out Regal.  Morrison hits Ryder with the Flying Chuck and the Starship Pain for the pin in 2:11.  At least they squashed Ryder instead of Regal.

Cole and Lawler hype the SummerSlam card.

Divas in swimsuits are NEXT!  Commercials.

Divas Summertime Spectacular: Maryse & Jillian Hall vs. Eve Torres & Gail Kim vs. The Bella Twins.  Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov are the special guest referees.  The girls come down a water slide in the entryway.  Maryse puts her hate on Eve’s face, so Eve kicks her ass.  One of the Bellas tags in and gets worked over by Maryse and Jillian.  The other Bella gets the tag and runs wild on Jillian.  Basement dropkick gets 2.  Eve hits a neckbreaker drop on a Bella.  Gail puts a lifesaver thing on Maryse and hits the Eat Defeat.  Jillian throws Gail outside onto Eve.  Nikki Bella hits a diving cross body on Jillian for the pin in 2:51.  Typical divas/comedy match.  At least it’s out of the way now.  Tamina comes out.  She seems to have a thing for Santino… or she just wants to threaten him.  She slaps him on the ass, so I guess she likes him.

SummerSlam Recall: The Big Boss Man vs. The Mountie in a Jailhouse Match at SummerSlam ’91.  The Mountie lost and had to spend the night in a New York City jail!

Great Khali is headed our way!  But wait!  The Nexus jump him and take out his knee!  Commercials.

The Nexus come out.  Barrett says his match with Khali has been canceled.  He talks about The Nexus gaining power.  Sheffield talks about taking people out.  Otunga warns anyone else against joining Team WWE.

John Cena and Bret Hart come across The Miz backstage.  Miz assumes that they were going to ask him to join Team WWE.  They ask him if he’s in.  He says he’ll let them know Sunday.  The main event is next.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Next week, Justin Long will be the guest host!  Sweet!  I actually like that guy.

Lumberjack Match: Edge & Chris Jericho vs. John Cena & Bret Hart.  The Nexus are lumberjacks.  Edge beats up Cena to start.  Cena takes Edge down with a side headlock after Bret decks Edge from the apron.  Edge escapes and throws Cena outside to the Nexus.  They put the boots to him and throws him back in.  Jericho tags in and… throws Cena out to Nexus, where the put the boots to him and throws him back in.  Repeat.  Jericho tries to do it a third time, but Cena reverses him outside.  The Nexus don’t attack Jericho, they simply let him back in.  Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment.  Jericho counters and goes for the Walls of Jericho.  Cena reverses it, misses a shoulder block, and falls outside.  He escapes The Nexus, but Jericho accidentally clocks Barrett.  Cena knocks Jericho outside and The Nexus kick his ass.  Edge tries to help, but gets his ass kicked too.  Bret brings Gabriel in the ring and beat him up, but The Nexus pull him to safety.  The Nexus huddle to talk strategy, then go after Cena and Bret.  Morrison and Truth run out to help.  The match is a no-contest in about 4 minutes.  Jericho and Edge come back to rejoin Team WWE.  They face off and brawl.  The crowd goes crazy.  Team WWE cleans house and the Nexus bail through the crowd.  Team WWE stands tall!

Fine show here.  They did a great job of promoting SummerSlam.