Archive for Jon Lovitz

WWE Monday Night Raw 8/16/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 17, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open, Raw open, pyro and ballyhoo.  We’re LIVE from Los Angeles!  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are the announcers.  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.  Last night, Team WWE survived!

The Nexus come out.  Wade Barrett says they eliminated six of the best that Raw had to offer before they lost last night.  He says the Raw roster will face severe consequences because of their loss.  John Cena interrupts.  He makes fun of Barrett for tapping out and for having a British accent, apparently.  Cena calls them the Expendables.  Cena puts over Daniel Bryan for “eliminating half of the Nexus by himself.”  Actually, I think it was 2/7ths.  Cena says it’s been proven that they can be beat.  Cena calls Otunga “a below average male escort.”  It’s true.  He calls Tarver “an MMA bank robber who works nights as a male stripper.”  He calls Slater “the chick from Wendy’s.”  A graphic shows up on the tron for that one.  He says Young is proof that Cena’s mother had a lusty affair with Buckwheat.  He implies that Gabriel is gay and Sheffield is retarded, or something.  He says The Nexus is history.  Young tries to retort, but Cena reminds him that he tapped out in under a minute, calling him the weakest link.  The Nexus start to argue amongst themselves.  Cole gets an email from the iBooker 9000.  The crowd hates that shit.  iBooker says tonight, Nexus will face members of Team WWE in a series of matches, and promises “consequences” if there is any interference.  Barrett says that’s not punishment, it’s an opportunity for redemption.  Crowd chants “YOU TAPPED OUT!”  Barrett says any Nexus member who loses tonight will be exiled from the group.  Otunga tells Barrett that that applies to him too.  Cole gets ANOTHER email from the iBooker that says The Nexus can choose which Nexus member faces which Team WWE member… except for Barrett, who will face Chris Jericho NEXT!  Great opening segment.  Cena had some really funny lines.  Commercials!

WWE.com plug.

Wade Barrett vs. Chris Jericho.  “Y2J!” chants.  Jericho goes on the attack.  Jericho hits a suplex.  The Nexus are watching backstage!  Jericho lands a dropkick.  Barrett goes to the apron.  Jericho knocks him off with the springboard dropkick.  Jericho brings Barrett back in and goes up top, but Barrett boots him to the floor.  Barrett rams Jericho’s back into the side of the apron, then beats him down at ringside.  Barrett whips Jericho into the corner.  He’s working Jericho’s back.  Jericho fires a chop, so he’s gonna be in trouble since he’s not Asian.  Barrett pulls Jericho’s back into his knee.  Jericho fights out and catches a charging Barrett with a boot.  Jericho hits a missile dropkick for 2.  Jericho hits some shoulder blocks and the bulldog.  Jericho goes for the Walls of Jericho, but Barrett counters out and goes for his move.  Jericho counters and locks in the Walls of Jericho.  Barrett gets a rope break, then mows down Jericho with a big boot for 2.  Jericho avoids a backdrop suplex and lands an enzuigiri.  He goes for the Codebreaker, but Barrett counters and hits his Fireman’s carry slam for the pin in 5:22.  Fine little TV match.

Tonight, members of The Nexus vs. members of Team WWE!  Wait, how the fuck is Bret going to work a singles match?  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Justin Roberts introduces tonight’s guest hosts from the movie “Going The Distance,” Charlie Day, Jason Sudeikis, and Justin Long!  They come out and goof off, then introduce Unified WWE Tag Team Champions The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya).  Cole gets yet another email from the iBooker 9000 saying that from now on the titles will be known as the WWE Tag Team Championship.  Presenting the new belts is Bret Hart!  The new belts are fugly.  The Nexus appear on screen.  Wade Barrett says Bret’s opponent tonight will be Justin Gabriel.  Gabriel says tonight, Bret will experience the 450 splash.  Commercials.

Plug for the SummerSlam song.

Los Angeles!

Cole and Lawler talk about Daniel Bryan’s return last night.

Michael Tarver vs. Daniel Bryan.  Cole is in full Danielson hate mode.  They lock up.  “DANIEL BRYAN!” chant.  Tarver lands a bunch of punches.  Bryan boots him in the face and hits a running knee for 2.  Bryan hits some shoulder stunners and a suplex for 2.  Danielson lands some kicks.  Bryan ducks under Tarver and lands a dropkick, then a missile dropkick.  Bryan nips up.  WWE United States Champion The Miz and Alex Riley run out to distract Bryan.  Tarver gets a schoolboy for the pin in 2:09.  Bryan hits a tope suicida on Miz.  Miz, Riley, and Tarver beat down Bryan.  Miz gives Bryan the Skull Crushing Finale onto the briefcase.  The match was fine while it lasted, but why the fuck does that useless piece of shit Tarver get to stay?

Gabriel vs. Hart is next.  Commercials.  Fuck.

Moments ago, The Miz fucked Daniel Bryan and everyone who watches WWE by saving that piece of shit Michael Tarver’s spot.

The Miz and Alex Riley are walking backstage.  Josh Matthews stops them to interview them.  Miz really hates Daniel Bryan.  He puts over Riley, then Riley puts himself over.

The Nexus are chatting in their locker room.  Black Cena says he wants Cena tonight.

Gabriel vs. Hart is next for real this time!  Commercials!

Cole gets YET ANOTHER FUCKING EMAIL FROM THE iBOOKER 9000!  It says that Bret won’t be wrestling tonight.  Thank God.  The iBooker doesn’t like Bret Hart.  He’ll be replaced by… Randy Orton.  Fuck.  Goodbye, Justin Gabriel.

Justin Gabriel vs. Randy Orton.  Lock up.  Orton backs Gabriel into the corner.  Gabriel escapes and throws a kick, which seems to amuse Orton.  Gabriel grabs a side headlock, then lands some more kicks.  Orton is enjoying this.  He catches Gabriel’s leg, then hits him with clotheslines.  Orton hits the powerslam, then the DDT OF MURDER, then humps the mat.  WWE Champion Sheamus comes out.  Orton meets him to brawl on the floor and into the crowd.  Orton gets counted out in 2:49.  Gabriel gets the stay.  I’m relieved.  Orton realizes he lost, then drops Gabriel with the RKO.  Orton beats the shit out of Sheamus with a chair.  Orton starts to leave, then comes back and gives Sheamus an RKO.  I’m just relieved that Gabriel keeps his spot.  He’s the best member of the Nexus by far.  Commercials.

Moments ago, Orton fucked Sheamus’ shit all up!

Skip Sheffield & David Otunga vs. John Morrison & R-Truth.  Morrison and Otunga lock up.  Morrison hits a side Russian leg sweep and tags in Truth.  The Nexus are backstage watching Truth hit a diving leg drop for 2.  Sheffield tags in and gets beaten up by Truth.  Sheffield hits an over the shoulder powerslam, then stomps on Truth.  Otunga tags in.  Truth hits a Complete Shot and makes the tag to Morrison.  Morrison runs wild.  Sheffield makes a blind tag and kills Morrison with a clothesline, then knocks Truth off of the apron.  Sheffield hits another killer lariat on Morrison for the pin in 2:59.  This wasn’t good, but Sheffield is awesome.

Melina, Eve Torres, & Gail Kim are headed our way!  Commercials.

Last night, Michelle McCool and Layla attacked Melina after she won the Divas Championship.

WWE Divas Champion Melina, Eve Torres, & Gail Kim vs. Alicia Fox, Maryse, & Jillian Hall.  Jon Lovitz is in the crowd.  Gail rams Maryse’s head into the mat.  Why do that?  You actually know how to wrestle!  Gail hits a rebound cross body for 2.  Gail ties Maryse to the tree of woe and tags in Melina, who hits Maryse with a running vagina to the corner.  Melina gets beaten up in the heel corner.  Maryse lands a kick for 2.  Fox tags in and hits a Northern Lights suplex hold for 2.  Fox stretches Melina across her knee.  Melina hits a jawbreaker.  Eve and Jillian tag in.  Eve runs wild.  Eve hits a senton, but Fox saves.  Melina takes Fox out.  Gail takes Maryse out.  Eve drops Jillian and goes up top, but Jillian kind of powerbombs her down for the pin in 2:53.  Was not expecting that finish.  Jillian never wins anything.  Fox and Maryse kind of bicker.  The match was sort of okay.

Josh Matthews interviews Edge.  Heath Slater interrupts.  Slater wants Edge to take a forfeit the match.  Edge says he’s not going to forfeit a match to Wendy.  Slater decks Edge.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Some dude from True Blood is here.

Heath Slater vs. Edge.  Edge is pissed.  He kicks Slater’s ass.  Edge goes up top, but Slater cuts him off and knocks him to the floor.  Slater beats up Edge on the outside.  Back inside, cover gets 2.  Slater beats up Edge.  Edge avoids a splash in the corner and makes his comeback.  Edge-O-Matic gets 2.  Slater hits a big flapjack for 2.  You can hear some fan yell “I hate you, Heath Slater!”  Edge spears Slater in the corner.  Slater avoids a baseball slide dropkick, but Edge drops him with a big boot on the floor.  Edge goes for spear at ringside, but Slater slips back into the ring and wins by count-out in 4:31.  It was there.  Edge spears Slater after the match.  Commercials.

Los Angeles!

Justin Long talks to Great Khali backstage.  Long says Khali doesn’t do the Kiss Cam because he has a girlfriend now.  Khali speaks Khalese.  Ranjin Singh translates that Khali wants long distance relationship advice.  Singh shows a picture of Khali’s girlfriend, who is apparently very ugly.  The other 2 goobs come in and are very vocal about her ugliness.  Khali scares them away.  Khali looks at the picture and says “Yeah, she’s pretty ugly.”  The Bella Twins come in and leave with Khali.  Stupid segment.

SummerSlam Rewind is last week’s hype leading up to last night’s show.

Cena vs. Black Cena is NEXT!  Commercials!

WWE Rewind: Last month, John Cena beat the fuck out of Darren Young.

Darren Young vs. John Cena.  The rest of the Nexus come out to stand on the stage.  Young goes for a schoolboy immediately, but gets 0.  Young gets a backslide for 2.  Cena wrings Young’s arm and takes him down with a side headlock.  They lock up and Young grabs a side headlock.  Cena does a drop down, leapfrog, shoulder block, then goes back to the side headlock.  Young hits a leg drop for 2.  Young hits a short range lariat for 2.  Young hits a suplex for 2.  Young hits a butt butt for 2.  Cena fights back.  Young boots him in the gut and hits a swinging neckbreaker for 2.  Young applies a rear chin lock.  Young catches Cena charging in the corner with an elbow smash, then hits an elbow drop for 2.  Young hits a leg drop for 2.  Young hits a Northern Lights suplex hold for 2.  I’m shocked that Young is getting any offense, much less dominating Cena.  Young knocks Cena out of the ring and dropkicks the steps into him.  Cena beats the count back in at 9.  Cena avoids a leg drop and makes his comeback.  Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment.  Young counters and goes for a sunset flip, but Cena counters into the STF for the win in 7:59.  The match… was there.  The Nexus surround the ring… but let Cena leave.  Young pleads his case.  Lawler calls Young “Daniel Bryan.”  Wrong dude altogether.  The Nexus beat the shit out of Young.  Barrett hits his Fireman carry slam.  Gabriel hits the 450.  The Nexus 6 stand tall.

This show… was fine as far as keeping the angle going, but none of the matches were any good and the show felt like a mess at times.

WWE Monday Night Raw 5/24/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 30, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open, Cena/Batista Over The Limit highlights, Raw open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are the announcers LIVE from Toledo, Ohio!  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

Batista comes to the ring, wounded and helped by referees.  He sits in a wheelchair and demands his spotlight.  He says he only said “I Quit” last night because his life was in danger.  He’s contemplating a lawsuit against John Cena, WWE, and all of the fans.  He says his injuries could keep him out for years.  Everyone cheers.  Then he says he wants a rematch.  Justin Roberts interrupts to introduces the new Raw General Manager, Bret Hart!  Hart says he’s in charge now and at Fatal 4 Way, John Cena will defend the WWE Championship against three opponents that will have to win qualifying matches tonight.  Batista says he’s hurt.  Hart says Batista’s opponent will be another hurt man, Randy Orton.  Batista says Bret can’t make him compete.  Hart says he can either take it or forfeit.  Batista says if Hart does that, he’ll quit.  Bret says Orton wins by forfeit and leaves.  Batista yells about how important he is and quits.  Crowd cheers.  Yay!  Batista leaves as the crowd sings the goodbye song.

WWE.com plug.

Moments ago, Batista quit.

Fatal 4 Way Qualifying Match: Mark Henry vs. Sheamus.  Henry overpowers Sheamus to start and throws him out of the ring.  Sheamus pulls Henry’s arm over the top rope.  Sheamus goes on the attack and works Henry’s arm.  Henry makes a comeback.  Henry hits a big splash for 2.  Sheamus goes up top.  Henry tries to press slam him, but it hurts his arm.  Sheamus hits the pump kick for the pin in 4:03.  It was a match.

So far, the PPV match is Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. Sheamus.

Being the new GM, Bret Hart has vacated the United States Championship.  Tonight, The Miz vs. R-Truth for the vacant title!

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Tonight, Jon Lovitz’s Superstar Search.  Fuch.

Jon Lovitz talks to Mr. McMahon on the phone.  Maryse comes in.  Lovitz thinks she’s the masseuse.  He says he’s been teaching a submission move to Santino.  He speaks French to her.  She’s interested in something.  He blows her off.  She jumps at him and he flinches.  Fucking retarded segment.

Bret Hart talks to Edge, who wants a title shot.  They negotiate.  Chris Jericho comes in.  He also wants a title shot.  Bret says they’ll face John Cena in a Triple Threat Match tonight, and if one of them wins, they’re in the Fatal 4 Way.  Edge says he’s a better champion and Canadian than both Hart and Jericho.  Jericho tells Hart not to make an enemy out of him.  Whatever.

Slam of the Week: Eve Torres beat Maryse to retain the Divas Title at Over The Limit.

Maryse & Alicia Fox vs. WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres & Gail Kim.  Fox and Gail go at it.  Maryse tags in and beats up Gail.  Eve gets the hot tag and runs wild on Maryse.  Eve hits a standing moonsault.  Fox saves.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Fox kicks Eve and Maryse hits the DDT for the pin in 2:04.  Whatever.

Last week, Bret Hart beat The Miz for the United States Championship in a ludicrous match.  Now the title is vacant, but will be decided NEXT!

WWE United States Championship Match: R-Truth vs. The Miz.  R-Truth raps during his entrance and Miz cuts a promo during his.  Miz plays chickenshit, then cheap shots R-Truth to get the early advantage.  Truth responds with his wacky strikes and gets a front cradle for 2.  Miz bails.  Insta-commercials.  Miz beats up Truth on the outside.  Crowd chants “BORING!”  During the break, R-Truth failed a suicide dive and landed on his head.  Back in the ring, cover gets 2.  Miz beats up Truth.  Truth hits a spider German suplex for 2.  Truth makes his comeback.  Missile dropkick gets 2.  Complete Shot gets 2.  Truth hits a diving cross body, but Miz rolls through for 2.  Miz hits the reverse DDT backbreaker and goes for the neckbreaker, but Truth gets a backslide for 2.  Truth gets an inside cradle for 2.  Miz avoids the scissors kick, but Truth hits the Lie Detector for the pin (7:14 shown) to win the United States Championship!  Pretty good match.

Earlier tonight, the Batista stuff happened.

Tonight, Cena vs. Jericho vs. Edge.

Josh Matthews interviews the WWE Champion, John Cena.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Jon Lovitz comes out flanked by the Bella Twins.  They’re going to judge this stupid thing.  This guy is so fucking annoying and needs to fuck off and die, then fuck off again.  Great Khali and Ranjin Singh “sing.”  Jillian Hall comes out and Lovitz hits the buzzer before she can do anything.  Thank God for that.  He calls for the fans to show talent.  Some guy named Joe says he can pull his eye out of his face.  The guy pulls his glass eye out.  Gross.  Million Dollar Champion Ted Dibiase Jr. and Virgil come out.  Thank God.  Dibiase offers to buy the guy’s eyeball.  He says he can’t sell it.  Santino Marella comes out.  Marella threatens to use Lovitz’s submission hold to Virgil.  Lovitz babbles.  Marella does the Vulcan nerve pinch thing and takes out Virgil.  He tries it on Dibiase, but fails.  Dibiase hits the Dream Street.  Lovitz declares Dibiase the winner of the talent contest.  Stupidest fucking segment ever.

Cole and Lawler talk about everything that’s going on.  Earlier tonight, Sheamus beat Mark Henry.

Non-Title: Unified WWE Tag Team Champions The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya) vs. William Regal & Vladimir Kozlov.  Regal clobbers Kidd with an elbow.  Kozlov tags in and hits a powerslam for 2.  Kidd fights out of a Canadian backbreaker and kicks Kozlov in the head.  Smith tags in and beats up Kozlov.  Kozlov counters the running powerslam and tags in Regal.  Smith avoids the knee trembler and makes the tag.  Hart Attack.  Kidd pins Regal in 1:20.  The Uso Brothers and Tamina make their debut by jumping the Hart Dynasty, laying them out, and hitting stereo Superfly splashes.

Josh Matthews interviews the remaining NXT rookies: Wade Barrett, Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel, and David Otunga.  Gabriel says Slater should be eliminated.  Barrett agrees.  Slater thinks Otunga should go.  Otunga says Slater should go.

They show the greatness that was Daniel Bryan beating up Michael Cole on NXT last week.  Cole says if Daniel Bryan doesn’t apologize tomorrow night, he’s going to sue him.

Edge and Chris Jericho bicker backstage.

John Cena is headed our way!  The main event is NEXT!

Next week’s guest host is Ashton Kutcher.  He can’t be worse than the fucknut we had to endure tonight.

Triple Threat Fatal 4 Way Qualifying Match: WWE Champion John Cena vs. Edge vs. Chris Jericho.  Cena goes on the attack.  Jericho schoolboys him for 2.  Cena keeps fighting.  He clotheslines Edge out of the ring.  Jericho goes for the Walls of Jericho, but Cena counters and clotheslines him out of the ring too.  Insta-commercials.  Edge and Jericho beat up Cena.  Jericho sends Edge out of the ring and beats up Cena some more.  Suplex gets 2.  Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Jericho DDTs him.  Cena avoids Jericho in the corner and Jericho spears the post.  Cena makes his comeback.  He fails the Attitude Adjustment again, I think.  Edge spears Jericho.  Cena locks Edge in the STF.  Jericho puts Cena in the Walls of Jericho.  Edge breaks free.  Jericho puts Edge in the Walls of Jericho.  Cena breaks it.  Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment on Jericho.  Edge spears Cena.  Delayed cover.  Jericho breaks it and goes for the Walls again.  Edge counters and gets an inside cradle for 2.  Jericho hits Edge with an enzuigiri.  Cena clotheslines Jericho.  Cena and Edge counter each other.  Jericho hits the Codebreaker on Cena.  Edge spears Jericho for the pin (7:32 shown).  Edge qualifies for Fatal 4 Way.  Sheamus and Randy Orton come out so the Fatal 4 Way participants can all stare at each other.

Okay show overall.  A couple of things were good and some stuff was meh, but the Jon Lovitz stuff was motherfucking horrible.  They need to end the guest host shit NOW.

WWE Monday Night Raw 5/17/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 22, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open, Raw open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are our announcers LIVE from Toronto!  Tonight’s Raw is commercial free!  Tonight, John Cena takes on Sheamus and Buzz Aldrin is the guest host.  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

Bret Hart comes out and cuts a promo.  He says he’s not going to wrestle tonight.  Chris Jericho comes out to talk about how Bret is a washed up has been and so forth.  They argue over which one of them is the phony.  Usual “You’re washed up.”  “Well, you’re a dick.” banter.  Bret says he’ll face The Miz tonight.  Jericho challenges Bret to make it a No DQ match.  Bret agrees and says he’ll win the United States title tonight and the Hart Dynasty will retain the Tag titles at Over The Limit.

Cole and Lawler hype stuff.  Tonight they’re doing the Pick Your Poison gimmick with Edge and Randy Orton.

Parody of the Geico Commercials with Great Khali and Ranjin Singh in a compact car and Hornswoggle in a Hummer.  Whatever.

Edge comes out and cuts a promo on Randy Orton.  Christian’s music interrupts.

Edge vs. Christian.  They lock up, break, lock up again.  They do some nice wrestling.  Christian hits a forearm for 1.  Edge slaps Christian, then bails.  Christian chases Edge around the ring.  Edge uses the opportunity to get a cheap shot in and get the advantage.  Christian fights back.  Christian stands on Edge , then goes for the palm strike.  Edge counters.  Christian avoids a baseball slide dropkick hits one of his own, then hits a dive to the outside.  Edge sends Christian into the post.  Christian barely beats the count back in the ring.  Edge puts the boots to him.  Edge works Christian’s arm.  Christian fights back and goes for his corner rebound kick, but fails.  Edge throws him down and covers for 2.  Christian goes up top.  Edge cuts him off and goes for the DDT.  Christian hits him off and hits a tornado DDT for 2.  Christian gets rolling on the offensive.  Missile dropkick gets 2.  Edge goes for the Edge-O-Matic.  Christian goes for the Killswitch.  He gets countered, but finally hits his palm strike from the outside.  Christian pulls Edge across the top rope, then goes for a diving headbutt.  Edge avoids it and hits the Edgecution for 2.  Christian ducks a kick and schoolboys Edge for 2.  Edge drops Christian and goes for the spear.  Christian counters and hits his diving sunset flip for 2.  Edge wrings Christian’s arm again and fails the spear again.  Christian hits his rebound kick and diving European uppercut, then goes for the Killswitch.  Edge counters and rams Christian’s shoulder into the post, then hits the spear for the pin in 12:08.  Really good match.  The match is better than my review.  I gotta stop watching my wrestling after 2 AM.

Randy Orton appears on the screen and congratulates Edge on his win, but tells him that Christian wasn’t his choice for Edge’s opponent.  GONG.

Edge vs. The Undertaker.  Edge immediately takes sanctuary on the ring apron.  The referee counts him out in 39 seconds.  This was stupid.  Christian throws Edge into the ring to get chokeslammed.

John Cena/Batista Over The Edge hype video.

Maryse reads a magazine with Trish Stratus on the cover and complains to the makeup lady.  Eve Torres shows up and pours baby powder on her.  CATFIGHT!

Buzz Aldrin and his wife Lois chat.  Vickie Guerrero interrupts.  Didn’t she resign last week?  Aldrin calls her on it.  Aldrin slips up and says “WWF.”  He says he talked to the board, and her replacement will be here next week.  The Bella Twins come in to bounce Vickie from the building.

Last week, Batista fucked Mark Henry up.

Mark Henry comes out for a match.  Batista attacks him from behind with a 2×4 and fucks him up all over again.  He sends Henry’s injured shoulder into the post, then rams his spine into the post.  Batista whips Henry into the steps, then walks over him to get into the ring.  Batista calls for his spotlight so he can pose.  Stupid.  Replays.  Still stupid.  This is apparently meant to entice us to pay $45 to see Batista vs. Cena on Sunday.

Last December at TLC, Sheamus won the WWE Championship when John Cena fell through a table.  They’ll have a match tonight.

MasterCard parody commercial hyping the Ted Dibiase Jr. vs. R-Truth feud.  Dibiase comes out for his match accompanied by VIRGIL!

Million Dollar Champion Ted Dibiase Jr. (w/ Virgil) vs. Yoshi Tatsu.  Dibiase takes Yoshi down.  They trade hammerlocks.  They counter hip tosses until Yoshi finally gets one.  Yoshi hits a dropkick for 2.  Dibiase hits a gut buster, then kicks Yoshi in the ribs.  Dibiase keeps the heat on Yoshi with a rear chin lock.  Yoshi makes his comeback and connects with a bunch of kicks.  Cover gets 2.  Dibiase ducks a kick and hits the Dream Street for the pin in 3:10.  Fine little match.  Virgil brings Dibiase a microphone so he can cut a promo on R-Truth, who he will face at Over The Limit.

CM Punk/Rey Mysterio Jr. video package.

Cole and Lawler hype Over The Limit.

The Miz and Chris Jericho chat backstage.  Josh Matthews tries to interview Miz, but Miz takes the mic and cuts his own promo on Bret Hart while walking to the ring.

No DQ Match for the WWE United States Championship: The Miz (c) vs. Bret Hart.  Miz bails immediately, because he’s afraid of a frail old man.  Miz says he paid a couple of guys to neutralize the Hart Dynasty when they do their inevitable run in.  Vladimir Kozlov and William Regal come out.  The Hart Dynasty come in through the crowd and brawl with them.  Chris Jericho come in through the crowd and he and Miz corner Bret.  Natalya comes in to back up Bret.  Really?  She slaps Jericho.  Miz grabs her.  Bret decks Miz.  Jericho decks Bret.  David Hart Smith comes in and takes out Jericho.  Miz decks Smith.  Miz goes for the Sharpshooter on Bret, but Tyson Kidd hits Miz with a springboard dropkick.  Hart Dynasty hits the Hart Attack on Miz.  Bret locks Miz in the Sharpshooter to win the US title in 3:54.  Seriously?  That’s motherfucking retarded.  The Harts celebrate.  It’s still retarded.

WrestleMania DVD pimping.

Moments ago, the Hart Family celebrated some fucking retarded booking.  For once, I agree with Cole.  Cole and Lawler announce the next stupid thing, the Money In The Bank PPV.

2 weeks ago, John Cena beat Wade Barrett, then got jumped by Sheamus.  Cena vs. Sheamus tonight.

Some silly commercial with Santino Marella.

Layla and Michelle McCool come out, both wearing Women’s Championship belts.  They show the title win over Beth Phoenix from Smackdown.

WWE Women’s Champion Layla, Michelle McCool, & Maryse vs. WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres & The Bella Twins.  They have a big catfight before the match, then Layla and Eve start the match.  Neat cover for 2 by Layla.  Eve hits a Samoan drop for 2.  Eve hits a neckbreaker for 2.  One of the Bellas tags in and does stuff with Layla.  Layla gets another neat cradle for 2.  Layla is looking good here tonight.  I mean wrestling-wise.  McCool knocks the Bella off the apron, then tags in and rams her into the barricade.  Layla tags back in and misses a leg drop.  McCool tags back in against the other Bella.  The Bella runs wild on McCool and decks the other heels off the apron.  McCool avoids a diving cross body and tags in Maryse.  Maryse hits the DDT for the pin in 3:41.  Whatever.  Maryse and Eve cat fight again after the match.

Toronto!

Josh Matthews interviews the WWE Champion, John Cena.

WWE.com hype.

Non-Title: Randy Orton vs. World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger.  Swagger with an amateur takedown to start.  Orton responds in kind, and trumps him with a knee to the back of the head.  Swagger lands some blows on Orton.  Orton hits the 3.0, then the Garvin Stomp.  Swagger avoids a knee drop and hits a lariat for 2.  Swagger works a rear chin lock.  Orton fights back and gets rolling with some clotheslines.  Swagger bails.  Orton pursues him and gets his face rammed into the announce table.  Swagger throws Orton in the ring.  Orton goes for the DDT OF MURDER, but Swagger counters with a belly to belly suplex.  Swagger hits 2 springboard Vader Bombs.  Orton bails.  Swagger knocks Orton off the apron and into the announce table.  Swagger beats up Orton on the outside, then back inside the ring.  Orton avoids a springboard Vader Bomb and catches Swagger with a kick to the middle.  Orton starts his comeback.  Orton hits the DDT OF MURDER.  He gets up for the RKO.  Edge runs in to cause the DQ win for Orton in 7:20.  Orton RKOs Swagger.  Edge spears Orton.  Fine match.  Edge stands tall heading into the PPV.

NXT hype.

Cole and Lawler hype the Over The Edge card.

Justin Roberts introduces guest host Buzz Aldrin.  He cuts a promo about space travel and gets the “WHAT?” treatment from the jackass Toronto crowd.  Zack Ryder and Alicia Fox come out.  Ryder cuts a promo on Canada.  They show a video of Aldrin punching a guy in the face for talking shit about him.  Evan Bourne and Toronto’s own Gail Kim come out for a mixed tag match.

Zack Ryder & Alicia Fox vs. Evan Bourne & Gail Kim (w/ Buzz Aldrin).  Ryder and Bourne lock up.  Ryder taunts Bourne.  Bourne kicks the crap out of him.  Bourne gets a sunset flip for 2.  Ryder hits a neckbreaker and stomps on Bourne.  Bourne counters the Rough Ryder with a schoolboy for 2.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Gail hits a missile dropkick on Fox for 2.  Gail kicks Fox into Ryder.  Ryder low bridges Gail out of the ring.  Fox beats up Gail.  Fox hits a Northern Lights suplex hold for 2.  Gail hits a jawbreaker.  Ryder tags in.  Bourne runs wild on him.  Bourne knocks Ryder down with a knee and goes up top.  Fox pushes Ryder out of the ring.  Bourne hits a dive to the outside.  Gail hits the Eat Defeat on Fox for the pin in 3:24.  Fine little match.  Bourne and Gail celebrate with Aldrin.

Jack Swagger/Big Show hype video.

Next week’s guest host is Jon Lovitz.  Who?

Geico parody commercial with Goldust on a blind date.  Seriously.

Non-Title: Sheamus vs. WWE Champion John Cena.  They lock up.  Sheamus puts Cena into the corner and attacks him.  Cena fights back and throws Sheamus out of the ring.  They brawl.  Sheamus whips Cena into the barricade.  Sheamus throws Cena back into the ring and covers for 2.  Sheamus keeps the pressure on Cena.  Cena hits a suplex, then throws Sheamus into the post and out of the ring.  Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Sheamus counters and hits the uranage backbreaker for 2.  Cena hits a slidewalk slam.  Cena charges Sheamus in the corner, but Sheamus connects with an elbow.  Sheamus connects with a knee to knock Cena off of the apron.  Repeat.  Cena ducks the third and tries to get rolling, but Sheamus counters the bulldog.  Sheamus baseball slide dropkicks Cena out of the ring and rams his face into the announce table.  Back inside, cover gets 2.  Sheamus knees Cena in the face.  Cena makes his comeback.  Sheamus holds on to the ropes to block the Attitude Adjustment, so Cena throws him out of the ring.  Batista comes in and hits a spinebuster on Cena to cause the DQ in 9:18.  Okay match.  Batista hits 2 more spinebusters, then puts Cena in the Rings of Saturn and screams for Cena to quit.

Some good stuff on this show, but a lot of shitty booking.