TNA iMPACT! 3/15/10

“Last week on iMPACT!…” video.

“Hogan’s Heroes.”  Really?

Hulk Hogan, Abyss, Rob Van Dam, and Jeff Hardy arrive in a Hummer.  Abyss can drive?

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are our hosts.

TNA World Heavyweight Champion AJ Styles and Ric Flair come out.  Styles cuts a promo on Abyss.  It sucks.  Styles gets booed for saying he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.  Heh.  Styles says he’s a gift from God, then breaks out Flair’s classic “fat boy” line.  Flair takes the mic and cuts a typically awesome Ric Flair promo.  Flair busts himself open by punching the cut he got last week.  Flair talks about Jeff Hardy.  Hardy comes out (w/ stupid Joker makeup).  Styles bitches at Hardy.  Styles’ promos are so forced.  Styles challenges Hardy to a match tonight.  Hardy accepts.  Flair tells Hardy to backstage and paint a picture to get high off the paint.  Hardy has some bizarre closing line about creatures of the night, then the lighting goes all retarded as Flair stomps around.  The fuck?

Eric Bischoff bitches and Mick Foley.  Bischoff says tonight he’s going to shave Foley’s head and beard.

Destination X is THIS SUNDAY!  Who knew?

Tenay and Taz talk about what’s going down TONIGHT!

Earlier today, Jimmy Hart and the Nasty Boys jumped Jesse Neal in catering.  Sags powerbombs him through a table.

Now the Nastys and Hart are in the ring.  It was supposed to be a six-man tag, but Knobs says now it’s a handicap match.  Team 3D comes out (w/ table).  Bubba says they have a partner… Brother Runt!

The Nasty Boys & Jimmy Hart vs. Team 3D & Brother Runt.  Devon and Sags brawl to start.  In Devon’s defense, he wanted to lock up.  Runt tags in and goes stuff.  He wants to fight Jimmy Hart.  He also has a very noticeable bald spot.  Nastys give Runt the Pit Stop.  Gross.  Hart tags in and puts the boots to Runt.  Hart tries to whip Runt with the belt.  Runt tags out to Bubba.  Knobs tags in.  Bubba beats up the Nastys.  He sends Sags to the floor.  Runt hits him with a double axe handle to the outside.  More shit happens.  Knobs hits Ray with the helmet, which allows Hart to get the pin in 3:13.  Really?  Nastys do the beat down after the match.  Hart whips Runt with the belt.  Jesse Neal makes the save.  Sags takes a very unsmooth looking 3D through the table.  This sucked.

Christy Hemme interviews Angelina Love.  She issues an open challenge to any of the Beautiful People for tonight.  Commercials!

Jeremy Borash interviews Scott Hall and Syxx-Pac.  Syxx says “We’ve been kicked out of better places than this.”  I LOL’d.  Kevin Nash and Eric Young interrupt.  Nash puts up $25,000 for Hall to face him for 5 minutes tonight.  Hall says “See you out there.  I’ll be the one looks like Elvis.”  Heh.

Ken Anderson & Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. Kurt Angle & “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  Angle and Wolfe start, which is always fucking awesome.  They trade arm locks.  Anderson cheap shots Angle from the apron.  Anderson tags in and works over Angle for a second, then tags in Wolfe, who works over Angle some more.  Angle hits a belly-to-belly throw on Wolfe.  Tag to Pope, still selling his ankle injury.  I love Pope.  Most guys won’t even sell an injury for a whole match.  He’s been selling that ankle injury for a month.  Angle hits the Angle Slam on Anderson.  He tries it on Wolfe, who counters with the Divorce Court.  Pope pins Wolfe with an inside cradle in 3:29.  Well, it was good while it lasted.  Wolfe attacks Pope after the match.  They brawl up the ramp as Anderson jumps Angle in the ring, steals his dog tag again, and uses it to cut Angle open!  Anderson uses his special mic and cuts a promo on a bloody, fallen Angle.  Awesome.  Anderson clobbers Angle with the mic.  Great stuff.

Stupid commercial cutaway: The Beautiful People talk backstage.  None of them want to face Angelina.

Hogan talks to Hardy and RVD.  He says Abyss will be the guest enforcer.  Nothing else he says makes sense.  RVD and Hardy leave.  Bischoff comes in.  He’s mad Hulk didn’t tell him about Hardy and RVD showing up last week.  Hogan says he knew Bischoff was busy.  Bischoff says he’s going to remind some people who the boss is tonight.  Hogan says “That was weird.”

Angelina comes out for the match.  The Beautiful People come out and tell her that her opponent is tonight’s honorary Beautiful People member.  Daffney comes from under the ring and jumps Love.

Angelina Love vs. Daffney (w/ TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions The Beautiful People & Lacey Von Erich).  Daffney knocks Love down, mounts her, and abuses her.  That was a strange sentence.  Daffney pulls a toolbox from under the ring and brings in a hammer.  The ref won’t let her use it.  Love trips her and lands some punches.  The Beautiful People trip her and pull her crotch against the post for the DQ in 1:23.  Daffney spins Love into the ramp.  Ouch.  Daffney gets the ugly stick from the ramp.  Tara runs in through the crowd to make the save and drops Rayne with the Widow’s Peak.  She’ll defend the Knockouts Title against Tara at Destination X.

Styles vs. Hardy TONIGHT!  Commercials!

The show all of the shenanigans involving Sting from last week.

Hulk Hogan comes out to the ring.  He cuts a promo about Sting.  Hogan says he can smell Sting.  Sting is in the rafters.  As usual.  Hogan calls him out.  Sting makes his way from the rafters to the floor of the arena.  It’s a long walk.  When he gets into the arena, Rob Van Dam jumps him and kicks his ass.  Great babyface behavior, guys.  RVD takes the bat, throws it to Hogan, and throws Sting into the ring.  Bischoff comes out and yells at Hogan not to do it.  Bischoff lectures Hogan about his current role.  He yells at security to get Sting out of here.  He tells Hogan to be done with it (being a wrestler, I guess).  This whole segment was stupid.  Hogan hugs Brooke at ringside.

Hernandez tells Jarrett he wants to team with him against Beer Money.  Bischoff overhears and tells them it’s Hernandez vs. Beer Money with Jarrett as the referee.  Bischoff says if Jarrett screws up, he’s being demoted to ring crew… or something.

Commercial inset: Hardy vs. Styles!  Hall vs. Nash!

5 Minute, $25,000 Challenge: Kevin Nash vs. Scott Hall.  Hall is in street clothes, including a TNA sweatshirt with “WOLFPAC” in magic marker.  They trade slow, weak punches.  Nash hits a short range lariat to escape a wrist lock.  Nash elbows Hall in the corner.  Syxx-Pac runs in and clips Nash’s leg.  They handcuff Nash to the bottom rope and beat on him.  Eric Young tries to make the save, but they overwhelm him too.  Pac hits the X Factor.  Hall takes the money.  I guess it’s a no-contest in about 2 or 3 minutes.  It sucked.

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JB interviews Beer Money.  They’re mad that they’ve been pushed aside since Hogan and Bischoff arrived.  They got back on TV and had a title shot at the next PPV, THEN they decided to turn heel.  I guess you can’t expect logic from TNA.

Handicap Match: Beer Money vs. TNA World Tag Team Champion Hernandez.  Jeff Jarrett is the referee.  Beer Money jumps Hernandez as soon as he gets in the ring.  Hernandez’s partner Matt Morgan comes out, teases going to the ring, but joins the commentary team instead.  Beer Money beats up Hernandez and taunt Jarrett while Morgan bitches about Hernandez on commentary.  Beer Money tries to suplex Hernandez, but he suplexes both of them.  Hernandes goes for the Border Toss on Roode, but Storm superkicks him.  Beer Money hits the DWI and Roode gets the pin in 3:37.  They insist that Jarrett raises their hands in victory.  Jarrett grudgingly goes so.  Beer Money beats down Hernandez and push Jarrett down when he tries to save.  Jarrett takes off the referee shirt and helps Hernandez fight off Beer Money.  Whatever.

Eric Bischoff is headed to the ring with a mirror.

Eric Bischoff is in the ring with a barber chair.  He says he’s going to do things to Jeff Jarrett’s ass next week.  Or something.  He calls for Mick Foley to come out.  Foley sits in the chair, then stops Bischoff from using the clippers.  Foley reveals the sock and puts the Mandible Claw on Bischoff until he passes out in the chair.  Foley takes the clippers and shaves Bischoff’s head.  Foley holds the mirror in front of Bischoff, who is pissed.  Commercials!

Moments ago, ^ happened.

Christy Hemme interviews Shannon Moore.  Ugh.  He cuts a retarded promo.

The Motor City Machine Guns are in the ring, where the Ultimate X structure has been assembled.  Sabin cuts a promo, then bashes Generation Me.  Sabin says “Who have you ever beat?”  Generation Me comes out and reminds them that they beat the Guns in their debut match.  Shelley says it was luck.  Shelly says “We are the XBox to our Atari.  You are the station wagons to our Ferraris.”  Shelley says something about spending the night with their girlfriends.  Bucks jump the Guns.  Brian Kendrick comes out to help the Guns.  Amazing Red comes in and jumps on Kendrick.  Christopher Daniels comes out and drops Red.  Kazarian comes out with a ladder and throws it at Daniels.  Everybody fights.  The Bucks dive off the structure onto the Guns.  Red flips off of the ladder and takes out all four of the heels on the outside of the ring.  Crazy dive.  The faces pose on the ladder.  Good segment.

JB interviews Abyss.  He cuts a promo about the ring.

The main event is NEXT!

Commercial inset: Jeff Hardy backstage!

Non-Title: TNA World Heavyweight Champion AJ Styles (w/ Ric Flair) vs. Jeff Hardy.  Abyss is the outside enforcer.  After a commercial break, Styles jumps Hardy.  I think they waited until then to start the match.  He bell is really hard to hear tonight.  Hardy hits a diving leg drop for 2.  Hardy works a rear chin lock.  Styles sends Hardy to the outside.  Abyss stares down Flair when he tries to get involved.  Flair throws his jacket at Abyss.  Styles teases a dive, then doesn’t.  Yay for actually getting some heat, AJ!  Styles puts the boots to Hardy back inside.  Hardy fights back.  Styles drops him with a dropkick.  Styles works Hardy’s leg.  Hardy sends Styles out to the ramp.  Styles grounds Hardy with a chin lock.  Hardy hits a front suplex, then a dropkick in the corner.  Styles hits a brainbuster for 2.  Hardy hits a dive that I missed for 2.  Styles avoids the Twist of Fate and hits the Pele kick.  There’s a ref bump.  Styles gets a chair.  Abyss says no.  Hardy goes for the springboard 450.  Hardy avoids it and hits the Twist of Fate and the Swanton Bomb.  Abyss counts the pin in 9:12.  Fine match.  Flair hits Hardy with a chair to send him outside, then hits Abyss.  Flair follows Abyss on the stage and keeps hitting him with the chair.  Abyss hulks up and chokeslams Flair through the stage.  Abyss points and Styles.  End of show.

I gotta give week 2 to Raw.

TNA iMPACT! 2/25/10

Abyss is showing off the ring Hogan gave him to Jeremy Borash, Kazarian, Generation Me, Amazing Red, and Jay Lethal.  Abyss says “I thought last week was going to be the worst day ever, but it ended up being the greatest day in the history of my life.”

Video package of all that’s happened to Abyss recently, culminating in Hulk Hogan giving Abyss his Hall of Fame ring last week.

iMPACT! open.

Mike Tenay and Taz are our hosts!  They hype the matches that have been signed for TONIGHT!

The TNA World Heavyweight Champion, AJ Styles, comes out with Ric Flair.  They show their beatdown of The Pope last week.  Styles cuts a promo on The Pope.  Flair rants and raves about Hogan giving his Hall of Fame ring to Abyss.  Flair calls out “The Abyss.”  ABYSS COMES OUT TO “AMERICAN MADE!”  Flair rants and raves at Abyss.  Abyss replies with the great line, “You’re right, I couldn’t shine your shoes, BECAUSE I’M NOT A SHOE SHINE BOY!”  Abyss offers to shove Styles’ shoes up Flair’s ass.  Styles screams at Abyss.  Abyss points at Styles and yells “YOU!” ala Hogan hulking up.  Hogan comes out.  Hogan addresses Styles.  Flair yells at Hogan.  Flair and Styles challenge Hogan and Abyss to fight, then beg off.  Flair says before the night is over, the ring will be on Styles’ finger.  Good opening segment.

TNA moves to Monday on March 8!

Mick Foley arrives at the building.

Tenay and Taz hype the card for tonight again.

Moments ago, the Hogan & Abyss/Flair & Styles stuff happened.

Tables Match: The Nasty Boys (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. Team 3D.  They start brawling on the ramp, then Devon and Sags brawl in the ring while Ray and Knobs brawl outside.  They switch brawling locations.  Everybody ends up in the ring.  WASSUP headbutt on Sags.  Ray tells Devon to get the tables.  3D sets up the table.  The Nastys deck them.  They hip toss Devon, but Ray moves the table.  Ray goes up top(!), but Hart grabs his leg and causes him to get thrown off.  Jesse Neal comes out and grabs the helmet from Hart.  He throws the helmet to 3D, who uses it, then 3Ds Sags through the table for the win in 3:51.  Meh.

Foley bitches at Eric Bischoff over his shenanigans last week.  At least Foley got a nice suit out of the deal.  Bischoff tells Foley to suit up.

ODB vs. Daffney.  Daffney tries to charge ODB before the bell, but ODB avoids her.  ODB has the advantage.  PIP of Christy Hemme interviewing the Knockouts Champion, Tara, who got destroyed by Daffney last week.  Daffney gets the advantage on ODB.  Why is Tara addressing someone who is in the ring and can’t see it?  Daffney attacks ODB’s knee, eventually hitting it with the steps for the DQ in 2:07.  Daffney attacks the knee with a broomstick.  Dr. Stevie comes out to restrain her again.

JB interviews the World Tag Team Champions, Matt Morgan and Hernandez.  They’ve made up after their little tiff.  They’re ready to face the competition in the tag team division.

Scott Hall and Syxx-Pac are shown digging through the trash.

Beer Money are in the house, and they HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!  We’ll find out what NEXT!  Another one of TNA’s stupid bit within a commercial break.

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Beer Money is in the ring.  They cut a promo.  They’re pissed that they have hardly been featured under the new regime.  Hernandez comes out, puts them over, and says he’s going to Hogan to ask him to make a Tag title match with Beer Money.  Roode agrees.

JB interviews Kevin Nash and Eric Young.  They want to fight Hall and Pac.

Jeff Jarrett storms into Bischoff’s office and bitches him out.  He doesn’t want to hear any of Bischoff’s shit.  Bischoff tells Jarrett to meet him in the ring tonight and he’ll give Jarrett “a better opportunity.”  A better opportunity to get fired?  Get jumped by the goon squad?  STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT!

TNA moves to Monday on March 8!

Jarrett/Bischoff video package.

Eric Bischoff comes to the ring.  He gets heavily booed, but no-sells it.  He asks Jeff Jarrett to come out, and even lets him have his music this week.  Bischoff has some chick bring out the barbed wire bat that’s been the cause of much grief lately.  He tells Jarrett that he did the right thing in not using it last week.  However, he didn’t do the ring thing by Bischoff.  Bischoff gives Jarrett one more chance to do the right thing: go to catering and flip burgers.  Bischoff gives him a spatula and a hairnet.  Poor Jarrett.

Commercial inset: Abyss vs. Desmond Wolfe TONIGHT!

Matt Morgan is mad at Hernandez for setting up the title defense against Beer Money without his knowledge.  Morgan didn’t want serious competition.  I smell a heel turn!

TNA X Divison Championship #1 Contender Match: Brian Kendrick vs. Kazarian.  Kendrick attacks Kazarian’s arm to start.  Kazarian fights back and hits a leg drop from the apron, dropkick in the corner, nip up, replays.  Kendrick avoids Kazarian in the corner and schoolboys him for 2.  Kendrick rocks him with an enzuigiri and hits a swank neckbreaker.  PIP of Samoa Joe being kindnapped last week.  Yeah, when the hell are they going to address that?  Kazarian puts Kendrick up top, then misses a kick.  Kazarian hits the Flux Capacitor for the pin in 2:34.  It was okay.  Kazarian gets the title shot at Destination X.

Kevin Nash and Eric Young are taping their fists.

JB interviews Abyss, who challenges anyone to try to take his ring.  “Bring a chainsaw, bring a see-saw, bring whatever you want!”

TNA Global Championship hype.  Tonight, Rob Terry defends that title against Mr. Anderson!

Christy Hemme interviews Mr. Anderson.  He says he’ll win his first TNA gold tonight.  He says Terry is “as strong as six gorillas.”  He then says he’s been in the ring with six gorillas, and he beat them by DQ.  Okay, THAT was funny.

Kurt Angle is headed our way!

TNA moves to Monday on March 8.  BE THERE!  Actually, record it or download it and watch it after you watch Raw.

Rob Terry is getting ready.  Brutus Magnus tells him not to bite the hand that feeds him.  Terry tells him to piss off.

Rob Terry comes out for his title defense.  Ken Anderson cuts a promo on the stage, making fun of Kurt Angle.  Angle comes up through the stage like usual entrance, holding a chair.  He stands there for a while, letting Anderson talk, then wallops him in the back with the chair.  Angle motions for Terry to come to the stage.  Crowd chants “BREAK HIS ANKLE!”  Terry picks up Anderson and carries him to the ring.

TNA Global Championship Match: Rob Terry (c) vs. Ken Anderson.  Terry throws Anderson into the ring, picks him up, running powerslam, and the pin in 24 seconds.

Jeff Jarrett is flipping burgers.

Mick Foley comes back into the building with a trench coat covering what is presumably his bitchin’ new suit.

MONDAY, MARCH 8!  MONDAY, MARCH 8!

They show all the shit that’s gone down with The Band since January 4.

Eric Young and Kevin Nash go out into the parking lot.  Young starts brawling with Waltman.  Off camera, Hall hits Nash in the knee with a lead pipe.  Hall chokes Young and tells him to stay out of it.  Waltman drops Young with a kick, then spray paints “4 Life” on his back.  Well that didn’t turn out well.

Abyss can “feel the enthusiasm” of all the Hulkamaniacs.

Jeff Jarrett is still flipping burgers.

Eric Bischoff is on the phone, making fun of the Raw guest host deal.  Mick Foley comes in.  He suited up!  He already got mustard on his jacket because he saw Jeff Jarrett working the grill in catering.  Bischoff sends him to etiquette school.

Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. Abyss.  Abyss now has his theme mixed with “American Made.”  Awesome.  Wolfe attacks Abyss’ arm and neck.  Not much happens, then Abyss squashes Wolfe in the corner and goes for the chokeslam.  Wolfe awesomely counters with his awesome hammerlock drop.  Abyss catches Wolfe with the Black Hole Slam for the pin in 1:54.  Poor Wolfe.  Ric Flair and Styles come out and attack Abyss.  Abyss fights them off, but Wolfe attacks Abyss with a chair.  Abyss hulks up, but Flair and Styles jump him from behind.  Wolfe handcuffs Abyss to the top rope and they beat on him.  Hulk Hogan comes in to make the save.  Flair clips his knee and they commence to beating down Hogan.  Styles clocks Hogan with the World title belt.  Abyss can’t do anything but watch Hogan get demolished.  Hogan is BUSTED WIDE OPEN!  Abyss uses the power of the ring to break the handcuffs and runs the heels off.  Commercials!

Moments ago, that stuff happened!

Hogan and Abyss are still in the ring.  Hogan announces himself & Abyss vs. Styles & Flair for the March 8 iMPACT!  Tenay says “HOLY *BLEEEEP*!”

MARCH 8!  MARCH 8!  MARCH 8!

iMPACT! continues to be a more watchable show.

TNA Against All Odds 2010

The show starts with Ric Flair coming into the building and screaming at Christy Hemme about how he hates Eric Bischoff.  He apparently plans to harm Bischoff tonight.

PPV opening video hyping the tournament and the World Title match taking place tonight.  Pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are our hosts LIVE from Orlando, Florida.

8 Card Stud Tournament – Quarterfinal: Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  They lock up and trade arm holds.  You’re not going to win that game against Wolfe, Pope.  Man, Wolfe’s submission work is so off the charts awesome.  Pope is able to match him in the early going.  Wolfe sends Pope out of the ring, harms him nastily on the apron, then fails the Tower of London.  Wolfe works on Pope’s shoulder.  Wolfe hits a DDT for 2.  Back to working the shoulder.  Pope escapes a hold, but immediately gets locked in another one.  Pope escapes again and hits a flurry of strikes.  Pope hits the Coronation, followed by a diving cross body for 2.  Wolfe catapults Pope into the turnbuckle, but Pope catches himself.  Wolfe goes for the Tower of London, fails, hits a superplex for 2.  Dinero gets a reverse cradle for 2.  Wolfe rings Pope’s arm, charges him in the corner, Dinero avoids it and drops Wolfe very nastily.  Pope hits the Elijah Express for the pin in 7:39.  Match was fine.  Pope advances!

Ric Flair goes into Bischoff’s office and yells at him.  Bischoff yells back at Flair.  Bischoff says he’ll call it in the middle and tells Flair to keep his distance.

Jeremy Borash (He’s back!) interviews the TNA World Tag Team Champions, Matt Morgan & Hernandez, who will be facing each other in the tournament tonight.  They want to see for themselves who is the best.  The fist bump(!) and wish each other luck.

8 Card Stud Tournament – Quarterfinal: TNA World Tag Team Champion Hernandez vs. TNA World Tag Team Champion Matt Morgan.  They fist bump(!) and lock up.  Morgan backs Hernandez into the corner and gives a clean break.  Repeat in reverse.  They fist bump and lock up yet again and finally kinda go at it.  Morgan drops Hernandez twice with shoulder blocks.  Hernandez pounces Morgan in response.  Hernandez avoids the Carbon Footprint.  Morgan avoids the Border Toss.  Revolving elbows in the corner.  Hernandez kicks Morgan low and they totally fuck up a cross body off the top.  Morgan nails Hernandez with a discus lariat for 2.  That’s another move I always mark out for.  Annoying alternating chants from the TNA mutants.  Morgan hits a sidewalk slam for 2.  Morgan is selling his ribs.  He does his weird thingy with the opponent over the top rope.  APRON LEG DROP!  I mark for that move as well.  Morgan hits a pair of short range lariats for 2.  Morgan clamps on a rear chin lock.  Hernandez fights back.  Morgan headbutts Hernandez on the apron.  Hernandez shakes it off and hits the springboard shoulder block.  They tease a double KO but both make it up.  Hernandez makes his comeback.  Half-assed chokeslam for 2 by Hernandez.  Hernandez hits the delayed vertical suplex.  Morgan goes out to the ramp and Hernandez wipes him out with a dive, but hurts his own shoulder in the process.  The referee is about to count Hernandez out, but Morgan doesn’t want to win that way.  Morgan helps Hernandez back into the ring, sends his shoulder into the turnbuckle, and pins him with a handful of tights.  What a dick.  Match was okay.  Hernandez is mad.

Video package of the recent goings on involving Kurt Angle, AJ Styles, Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, and The Band.  Read the iMPACT! reviews for details.

Christy Hemme interviews Kurt Angle.  Angle apologizes to Hulk since Hulk saved his ass last week.  He goes on to say he’ll win the tournament tonight, starting by kicking Mr. Anderson’s ass.

8 Card Stud Tournament – Quarterfinal: Ken Anderson vs. Kurt Angle.  Anderson throws some kicks at Angle’s leg.  Angle catches Anderson’s leg and goes for the ankle lock, but Anderson scampers for the ropes.  Angle takes Anderson down with a headlock.  Up, shoulder block, back down with the headlock.  Back up, Anderson hammers Angle with punches.  Angle back body drops Anderson and hits a snap suplex for 2.  Angle hits the 10 punches in the corner, whips him into the opposite corner, and charges.  Anderson avoids him.  Anderson yells at Angle and drives Angle’s dog tag into his head.  Angle is BUSTED WIDE OPEN!  Anderson hammers the bloody Angle.  Sick snap DDT gets 2 for Anderson.  Anderson cranks on a rear chin lock.  Angle fights out and makes his comeback.  Anderson kicks Angle in the face out of the corner.  Angle replies with a big belly to belly overhead suplex for 2.  Angle hits a clothesline for 2.  Angle hits the rolling Germans.  Anderson avoids the Angle Slam and hits the Lambeau Leap for 2.  Anderson tries to expose one of the turnbuckles, but gets caught by the referee.  While the referee is fixing it, Anderson exposes the opposite one.  Angle avoids the shot and hits the Angle Slam for 2.  Angle drops the straps and locks in the ankle lock.  Anderson counters his way out and stands in the corner with exposed buckle.  Angle charges, Anderson avoids it, Angle eats the exposed turnbuckle.  Anderson hits the Mic Check for the pin in 9:47.  Good match.  Anderson lays Kurt’s medal on his chest, then spits on him.

Eric Bischoff tells Mick Foley and Abyss to go at it tonight, because if they take it easy on each other, he’s going to make Abyss take his mask off.  He makes it a No DQ Match so they can use the barbed wire bat.  And they HAVE to use the barbed wire bat, or the mask is coming off.

Tenay and Taz talk about what we just saw.

8 Card Stud Tournament – Quarterfinal, No DQ Match: Abyss vs. Mick Foley.  They lock up and Abyss grabs a side head lock.  That’s a very odd thing to see in an Abyss/Mick Foley match.  Abyss drops Foley with a shoulder block.  Foley goes for the barbed wire bat, but Abyss cuts him off and beats him.  Abyss squashes Foley in the corner.  Crowd chants “USE THE BAT!”  Abyss picks it up, then puts it back down.  He doesn’t want to hurt Mick.  Foley slaps and punches him while yelling at him to use the bat.  Abyss fights back.  They brawl to the outside.  Abyss pulls a chair out of the front row (why are there empty seats in the front row?) and hits him in the back with it.  Foley continues to beat up Abyss while yelling at him to use the bat.  Back inside, Foley picks up the bat and charges Abyss.  Abyss gets the boot up to avoid it.  Abyss beats up Foley a bit.  Foley hits a spinning neckbreaker and continues to beat up Abyss.  Vintage Foley running inner thigh to the corner.  Foley pours Abyss’ bag of thumbtacks onto the mat.  Foley punches Abyss.  Abyss sets up the chokeslam, refuses to chokeslam Foley into the tacks, and just chokeslams in the clear part of the ring for 2.  Abyss finds Foley’s sock.  Foley avoids the Mandible Claw and hits the double arm DDT.  Foley takes the referee’s sock off and goes for Abyss.  Double Mandible Claw spot.  Foley, being the master of the move, gets the better of it.  The referee checks Abyss’ arm.  Foley releases the hold before the ref can end it.  Foley picks up the bat.  Abyss catches him with the Black Hole Slam into the tacks for the pin in 7:42.  Abyss seems upset at accidentally using the tacks.  He pulls the tacks out of Foley’s back.  This match was fun considering the storyline.

Christy Hemme interviews the “legendary” Nasty Boys.  Yeah.  Sags looks the exact same that he did in 1996.  Knobs just looks fatter.

Nasty Boys/Team 3D video package.

The Nasty Boys vs. Team 3D.  They brawl.  Well what did you expect, wrist locks?  3D sends the Nasty Boys out of the ring.  Nothing happens for a minute or two.  Seriously, nothing at all.  3D politely waits for the Nasties to come back into the ring.  Ray and Sags finally lock up.  Sags beats up Ray.  The Nastys beat up Ray.  Ray avoids the Pit Stop and hits a backdrop suplex and a leg drop for 2.  Devon tags in.  They call for the 3D, so Sags bails.  Crowd chants “WE WANT TABLES!”  Nothing happens for a little while again.  The Nastys get in the ring.  Devon fights them both and takes himself and Sags out of the ring.  Sags chokes Devon with his shirt.  Thankfully he had another shirt on under it.  Brother Ray comes around and knocks Sags into the camera man.  “Brother Ray just hits Sags like he owed him money.” -Taz.  Nastys get heat on Devon.  Brother Ray gets the hot tag and runs wild.  Ray and Sags fuck up a Rock Bottom.  WASSUP headbutt on Knobs.  3D on Sags.  Ray covers, but the referee is busy trying to get Devon out of the ring.  Knobs hits Devon with a helmet belonging to the previously unseen Jimmy Hart.  Sags pins Ray in 10:40.  So Jimmy Hart is back with the Nasty Boys.  The match wasn’t the train wreck I expected, but it wasn’t especially good either.

Bischoff talks to Samoa Joe backstage.  Joe says he’ll deal with AJ and for Bischoff to deal with Flair.  Bischoff tells Joe to keep his temper under control.

8 Card Stud Tournament – Semifinal: “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero vs. TNA World Tag Team Champion Matt Morgan.  They milk the crowd for a minute before locking up.  Morgan over powers Pope.  Pope kicks at Morgan’s leg, dropkicks him into the ropes, and tries to whip him.  Morgan throws Pope out of the ring.  Morgan goes outside to beat up Pope.  Morgan keeps the heat on Pope back inside.  Revolving elbows in the corner for the second time tonight.  Morgan squashes Pope in the corner, then does the sidewalk drop.  Morgan with the over the top rope deal, the equivalent to Pope’s Coronation in that the move is impossible to describe without having to pause the match.  If you don’t know what the moves are and read my review to keep up… watch TNA just once to know what I’m talking about.  But I digress.  Pope fights out of a bearhug.  Morgan hits a fall away slam.  Pope counters Morgan with a DDT.  Pope makes his comeback.  Morgan avoids the Coronation and murders Pope with a discus lariat for 2.  Morgan yells at the ref for not counting fast enough.  Morgan hammers Pope in the corner.  Pope avoids the Carbon Footprint in the corner and hits the Elijah Express for the pin in 8:30.  Pretty good match, I thought.  Morgan is frustrated.

JB interviews Mr. Anderson.  ANDERSON!

8 Card Stud Tournament – Semifinal: Abyss vs. Ken Anderson.  Anderson throws punches and chops, fails at Irish whipping Abyss, ducks clotheslines, fails at cross bodying Abyss.  Anderson teases a test of strength, punches Abyss in the face, fails at slamming Abyss, gets slammed himself.  Abyss mows Anderson down with a big boot and clotheslines him to the floor.  Abyss rams Anderson’s face into the steps.  Ouch.  They brawl outside.  Back inside, Anderson takes Abyss down with a dropkick to the knee.  Anderson tries to take Abyss’ mask off.  Abyss fight him off.  Anderson chop blocks the leg and puts the boots to Abyss in the corner.  Anderson works the leg.  Abyss tries a chokeslam.  Anderson blocks it.  Abyss back body drops Anderson.  Abyss throws some punches and hits a sidewalk slam for 2.  Abyss avoids the Mic Check and hits the Shock Treatment for 2.  Abyss catches Anderson coming off the top and goes for a chokeslam.  Anderson fucks his mask up.  Abyss goozles the referee.  Anderson kicks Abyss’ leg and hits the Mic Check for the pin in 8:08.  It was alright.

Christy Hemme interviews AJ Styles and Ric Flair.  I guess Styles didn’t want to completely bleach his hair, but he has gotten highlights.

Styles/Samoa Joe video package.

Tale of the Tape.

Eric Bischoff is headed to the ring to referee the World Title match.  He runs into Hulk Hogan, who warns him to watch his temper.  “No shenanigans,” he says.  He tells Bischoff to call it right down the middle.  Bischoff agrees.  Hogan walks away.  “Dammit!” Bischoff says.  Throughout this, there’s a sign in the background that says “Please keep the Elephant door CLOSED when not in use.”  I don’t know what an elephant door is, but I found it funny.

Elaborate entrances and in-ring intros by JB.  Joe is cashing in his Feast Or Fired briefcase to get this title shot.  Styles now has a robe and looks ridiculous in it.  The robe has a hood.  Heh, neat.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: AJ Styles (c) (w/ Ric Flair) vs. Samoa Joe.  Eric Bischoff is the special referee.  Bischoff does a thorough job of checking both guys for foreign objects.  They lock up.  Styles bails immediately.  “JOE’S GONNA KILL YOU!” chant.  Styles tries to shoulder block Joe and fails, so he punches Joe in the face.  Joe BLASTS Styles with a shoulder block and hits him with a flurry of punches and strikers.  Joe squashes Styles in the corner and rocks him with a big kick.  Joe hits the knee in the corner.  Styles fights back, ducks a lariat, and gets decapitated with a leg lariat.  Cover gets 2 for Joe.  Joe throws some kicks.  AJ catches his leg and hits a Dragon screw leg whip.  Styles takes over and works Joe’s leg.  Styles goes for the figure-four, but Joe kicks him clear out of the ring.  Joe kills AJ with a tope suicida.  Styles takes a bump into the guardrail over it, which I’m almost certain is very unpleasant.  Joe takes Styles back inside.  Styles bails again and Joe gives pursuit.  Styles uses dirty tactics to get the advantage.  Styles moves the floor mats and goes for a suplex.  He fails.  Joe tries a suplex of his own, but Styles avoids it.  Joe blasts Styles with a chop and sends him back in.  Joe stalks Flair a bit and gets back in the ring to eat a dropkick.  They trade chops.  Styles goes for a Frankensteiner off the top, but Joe pushes him away and murders Styles again with a diving leg lariat for 2.  Styles charges Joe in the corner and gets dropped with a STO-like move.  Joe charges Styles in the corner, but Styles gets his feet up to knock Joe down and mounts him with some punches.  Bischoff yells at Styles.  Flair takes the opportunity to ram Joe’s leg into the post.  Styles goes after the leg again.  Joe fights out of the Muta Lock.  Styles applies the figure-four leglock.  Flair helps Styles get leverage.  Bischoff catches him and forces Styles to break the hold.  Joe backdrops Styles clear over the top rope and out of the ring.  Back inside, Joe makes his comeback.  Senton gets 2.  Snap powerslam gets 2.  Styles hits a springboard forearm and mounts Joe for more punches.  Joe replies with a slap rush.  Styles hits the Phenomenon for 2.  Styles sets up the Styles Clash, but Joe counters and goes for the choke.  It ends up being a cobra clutch suplex, which is awesome.  Joe goes for the Muscle Buster.  Flair grabs Joe’s leg.  Bischoff goes outside to deal with Flair.  Joe hits the Muscle Buster and covers.  Bischoff heads in and Flair pulls him out.  Bischoff decks Flair.  Joe yells at Bischoff and threatens him.  Styles hits the Pele kick and the Styles Clash for a very slow 3 count in 21:27.  So everybody in main events kicks out of the Styles Clash, but Joe can’t even kick out with a super slow count?  Flair yells at Bischoff to raise Styles’ hand.  The match was pretty good, but the finish made Joe look like a jackass.  Joe/Styles works much better with Styles playing AJ Styles as opposed to Styles playing a second rate Ric Flair.

Highlights of the tournament.

Christy Hemme interviews Mr. Anderson.  He calls the TNA title “the most prestigious championship in the entire freakin’ world.”  Hyperbole, much?

JB interviews The Pope.  The Band jumps Pope and kick his ass.

They tease that Pope isn’t going to come out for the final match.  Anderson tells the referee to ring the bell and count Pope out.

8 Card Stud Tournament – Final: Ken Anderson vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  Pope makes his way out.  Anderson meets him in the ramp and attacks him.  Anderson runs back to the ring to break the count, then runs back to beat on Pope some more.  Pope fights back.  They finally get into the ring.  Anderson immediately bails, so Pope follows him out and they fight outside some more.  Anderson gets the advantage.  Pope is selling the knee that he’s been having trouble with lately.  Styles and Flair are shown watching on a monitor backstage.  Anderson finally gets in the ring and awaits his count-out victory.  He knocks Pope off the apron before he can get in.  Pope finally manages to get in the ring and hits Anderson with some strikes.  Pope fails suplex attempts and gets suplexed himself.  Cover gets 2 for Anderson Anderson.  Anderson stomps Pope’s hand.  Pope pimp slaps him and gets an inside cradle for 2.  Anderson drops some elbows and gets a pair of 2 counts.  Pope fights back with a flurry on punches.  Anderson takes him down and beats on him again.  Pope runs the ropes but gets caught with a knee to the middle for 2.  Anderson beats on Pope some more.  Pope makes another comeback.  Pope hits a vertical suplex, transitions into a German, tries to roll with it but gets cut off.  Pope drops Anderson with an STO for 2.  Pope hits the Elijah Express, but Anderson kicks out.  Anderson drops Pope and calls for his microphone to be dropped down from the ceiling.  He talks for a minute, then hits the Mic Check, but Pope kicks out!  Anderson is pissed.  He puts the boots to Pope and hits the Lambeau Leap.  He goes for the Kenton bomb, but Pope avoids it.  Pope avoids Anderson in the corner and hits the Elijah Express for the pin in 15:45.  The match started slow but really picked up towards the end.  Pope winning was a great story.

Destination X plug.

I wouldn’t call this a great show, but there was nothing offensively bad on it, which is a big step up from some of the pre-Hogan and Bischoff shows.  I really liked the story with Pope winning it all.

TNA iMPACT! 2/4/10

“The Breaking of the Band.”  iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are our hosts.

8 Card Stud Tournament Qualifying Match: Brutus Magnus vs. Ken Anderson.   Anderson does his usual pre-match bit.  Uninteresting brawling.  The match is all punch/kick for the first 2 minutes.  Magnus hits a Regal Cutter for 2, then goes for a TKO, but Anderson gouges his eyes and hits the Mic Check for the pin in 2:35.  Not good.  “Winner, winner, chicken dinner” he says.

Mick Foley arrives in a crappy car.  Insta-commercials.

Christy Hemme interviews Kurt Angle.  He’s mad at Hulk Hogan.  So am I.

Tenay and Taz hype tonight’s card.

Eric Bischoff comes out and talks about Mick Foley.  Mick Foley comes out, name drops a bunch of wrestling’s less reputable characters, then says Bischoff is the one person in the business he hates.  They bicker.  It goes on for a while.  Foley is pretty good, but Bischoff ruins it.  Bischoff books Foley vs. Kevin Nash in a No DQ Match tonight.

Abyss and Jeremy Borash are watching on a monitor, scared for their jobs.  Insta-commercials.

Christy Hemme interviews the Knockouts Champion, Tara.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match: Matt Morgan & Hernandez (c) vs. Team 3D.  Hernandez locks up with Brother Ray.  Hernandez knocks Ray down with a shoulder block.  Ray squashes Hernandez in the corner.  Brother Ray throws Hernandez off the top rope, then drops an elbow for 2.  Devon and Morgan tag in.  Devon takes him down and hits a leg drop for 2.  Morgan drops Devon with a clothesline for 2.  Hernandez tags in and cranks on Devon’s neck.  Hernandez drops Devon with a body block for 2.  Hernandez goes for a superplex, but Devon bites his forehead and knocks him down.  Diving headbutt by Devon.  Morgan and Ray tag in.  Morgan elbows his way out of a go behind.  Ray avoids the Carbon Footprint and hits a German suplex, then hits a Samoan Drop on Hernandez.  Devon comes in.  Reverse 3D on Morgan gets 2.  Hernandez tries to run wild, but fails.  3D sets up the Wassup.  The Nasty Boys come out to push Devon off the top while the referee’s back is turned.  The distraction leads to Morgan hitting the Carbon Footprint on Ray for the pin in 5:06.  The Nastys come in the ring for a beatdown, but the champs return to run them off.  3D fist bumps Morgan and Hernandez.  The match?  It wasn’t too bad.

Jesse Neal vs. Samoa Joe.  Neal jumps Joe immediately and gets T-boned out of his boots.  Joe hammers Neal in the corner, whips him to the other corner, squashes him, and blasts him with a kick.  Neal fights back and tries to get something going.  Joe casually avoids a cross body.  Joe kicks his ass.  Knee to the corner, Muscle Buster, pin in 2:09.  It was short and served its purpose.

Christy interviews Hulk Hogan, who didn’t watch Kurt Angle’s interview earlier.  Because he’s busy booking TNA into oblivion.

Non-Title: “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero vs. TNA World Heavyweight Champion AJ Styles (w/Ric Flair).  They lock up and go at it.  Styles throws some chops.  Lots of counters.  Dinero hits a Bionic Elbow, while we’re ripping off old school wrestlers.  Styles bails.  Insta-commercials.  Styles drops Dinero with a shoulder block.  Styles hits a dropkick, which delights Flair so much, he struts at ringside.  Styles clamps on a face lock.  Styles hammers Dinero.  Dinero gets a sunset flip for 2.  Styles goes back to the face lock.  Styles keeps the heat on Dinero.  Dinero fights back and drops Styles with a shoulder block for 2.  Styles rocks him with a kick to the back of the head.  Dinero avoids Styles in the corner and throws a chop.  Styles avoids the Coronation.  Styles goes for a suplex, but Dinero turns it into an inside cradle for the pin!  (6:41 shown).  Styles and Flair beat up Dinero until Samoa Joe makes the save.  Styles chop blocks Joe’s leg and they beat him down.  Dinero gets up and makes the save for Joe, and the two of them clean house.  Security finally breaks it up.  Insta-commercials.  Really good match.

Flair yells at Joe from the ramp while security holds back Joe and Dinero in the ring.  Joe grabs the mic and yells at Styles.  Joe says he’s cashing in his Feast Or Fired title shot at Against All Odds.  Joe and Dinero go after them.  Cut away.

Christy interviews Angelina Love.

Kevin Nash and Eric Young are talking backstage.  Eric Bischoff comes in.  He doesn’t know who Young is.  Young says he’s under contract.  Bischoff tells him to leave.  Bischoff tells Nash to destroy Mick Foley tonight.  Nash wants Bichoff to give Scott Hall and Syxx-Pac contracts.  Bischoff says they’re screw ups.  Inta-commercials.

Earlier tonight, Bischoff told Foley he’d face Kevin Nash tonight.  2 months ago, Foley kicked Nash’s ass.

Christy interviews Mick Foley.  Abyss interrupts, afraid for his job.  Foley says it’ll be fine, but tells Abyss not to interfere tonight.

8 Card Stud Tournament Qualifying Match: Tomko vs. Kurt Angle.  Angle hits a suplex, then eats Tomko’s boot.  Angle headbutts Tomko, then clotheslines him out of the ring.  Once back inside, Tomko takes control.  Powerslam gets 2.  Angle rallies and hits the rolling Germans.  Angle Slam gets 2.  They’ve killed that as a finish.  Tomko drops Angle with a clothesline.  Angle hits the rolling Germans again.  Angle clamps on the Angle Lock ’03 for the submission win in 4:31.  Fine little match.

The Knockouts Championship is NEXT!

Highlights of the UK tour are shown.

Foley/Nash video package.

Nash asks Hogan to give Hall and Pac another chance.  He says he’ll take care of Foley tonight, but wants Hogan to keep an open mind.

Beautiful People/Angelina Love video package.

TNA Knockouts Championship Match: Tara (c) vs. Angelina Love.  They lock up.  Tara takes Love down with a side headlock.  Love rolls her over into a pinning predicament, but Tara turns it back over.  I love that spot.  They do some cool mat work/cradle sequences.  Insta-commercials.  Greco-Roman knuckle lock.  Love gets the better of it.  Love with a schoolgirl out of the corner for 2.  Tara hits a fireman’s carry into a side slam for 2.  They blur Tara’s boobs, so something must have slipped out, or they’re blurring the logo on her gear.  Love counters a Widow’s Peak attempt, but Tara manages to pin her with a cradle (3:03 shown).  They shake hands after the match.  The Beautiful People run in and attack Love.  Tara hesitates, but makes the save.  Tara and Love clean house.

Scott Hall and Syxx-Pac are slinking around the parking lot.  Insta-commercials.

Kurt Angle barges into Hogan’s office and yells at him.  Hogan says he isn’t responsible and Angle is a hot head.  Angle says he’s giving Hogan his last warning.  Hogan tells Angle to leave.

No DQ Match: Mick Foley vs. Kevin Nash.  Foley brings a barbed wire bat.  Nash brings a whole shopping cart full of weapons.  Foley beats Nash’s trash can with the bat.  Nash blocks his shots with a chair.  Nash hits Foley with a hockey stick, then tries to grind the barbed wire into his face.  Foley kicks him in the balls to block it.  Foley hits a running forearm.  Foley picks up the framed picture of him and Abyss.  He hesitates, and Nash drops him with a big boot for the pin in 2:13.  Just awful.  Hall and Syxx-Pac come in through the crowd… and attack Nash!  The fuck?

The show wasn’t bad as a whole, but what the fuck is up with that ending?

TNA iMPACT! 1/28/10

The show opens with a “Last week…” video showing all the stupid shit that happened last week.  iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo, Mike Tenay and Taz are our hosts.

Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff come to the ring.  Hogan calls out Mick Foley.  Wasn’t he fired?  Hogan says he wants to work out the issues between Foley and Bischoff.  Bischoff says he already took care of it by firing Foley.  They go back and forth.  Foley denies putting his hands on Bischoff.  Hogan’s music starts playing while he’s still talking.  Hogan tells Foley to either work things out with Bischoff or walk out of the company.

Jeff Jarrett and Bubba the Love Sponge arrive at the building.  Jarrett says they’re going to talk to Hulk.

Christy Hemme interviews Ken Anderson.  Anderson specifies that he’s “Mr. Anderson,” then issues an open challenge for tonight, and he hopes Abyss will accept.

Tenay and Taz explain the “8 Card Stud Tournament” that will take place at Against All Odds to determine the #1 Contender for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship.  Tonight, we’ll see qualifying matches for that tournament.

8 Card Stud Tournament Qualifying Match: Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. Sean Morley.  They lock up and trade hammerlocks.  Wolfe goes on the offensive.  Morley fights back, but Wolfe drops him with (what I think is) the Divorce Court.  Morley tries to fight back again, but Wolfe awesomely fuck up his arm again.  Morley finally does make a comeback.  Morley hits a full nelson slam and goes up top, but Wolfe springs to his feet and causes Morley to crotch himself on the top rope, then hits the Tower of London for the pin in 3:36.  Good little match.

Jeff Jarrett meets with Hogan and Bischoff, figurative hat in hand.  He says he’ll prove himself by starting at the bottom of the ladder if he has to.  Bischoff has the idea to put Jarrett against Ken Anderson tonight.  Jarrett’s worried about ring rust, but agrees.  Hogan tells Bischoff he’s “stiff” and to tone it down a notch.

Last week, they reenacted the Montreal Screwjob, with Kurt Angle being “screwed” by AJ Styles with help from Ric Flair and Earl Hebner.  Angle then spit in Hogan’s face and threw a fit, probably because he realizes how stupid the booking is.

AJ Styles, Ric Flair, and generic blond bimbo are in their locker room with AJ’s new suits.  They’re planning a 30 day vacation

8 Card Stud Tournament Qualifying Match: Daniels vs. TNA World Tag Team Champion Hernandez.  Daniels jumps Hernandez from behind to start the match.  Hernandez hits a long stalling vertical suplex.  Daniels fails at sunset flipping Hernandez and gets Cracker Jacked.  Daniels claws at Hernandez’s eyes, then works a chin lock.  Daniels hits an STO and a Lionsault for 2.  Daniels goes for the Angel’s Wings, but fails.  Daniels sends Hernandez to the floor, but the referee stops him from going after his opponent.  Hernandez comes back in and makes his comeback.  Daniels catches Hernandez up top with the Venus palm strike and goes for a superplex, but Hernandez pushes him away.  Daniels avoids Hernandez’s diving headbutt and schoolboys him (with feet on the ropes) for 2.  Hernandez hits a big shoulder block and his weird gutwrench gut buster for the pin 4:32.  Good little match.

Tonight, Jeff Jarrett vs. Mr. Anderson!

Next, Mike Tenay plays mediator for the Nasty Boys and Team 3D!

Go to ShopTNA.com and buy TNA crap!

Mike Tenay is in the ring.  He introduces The Nasty Boys and Team 3D, who will face off at Against All Odds.  They yell and insult each other while security holds them apart.  There’s a lot of the pot calling the kettle black.  Too long and fairly stupid segment, but I do have a perverse desire to see their train wreck of a match.

Christy Hemme interviews The Beautiful People.  They say Angelina Love is old news and they’re moving on.  Man, Lacey is stupid.

Jeff Jarrett is getting ready for action!

Eric Bischoff fires Bobby Lashley.  “Taking out the trash,” he says.

The Beautiful People vs. TNA Knockouts Champion Tara & TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions Awesome Kong & Hamada.  Hamada schools Rayne on how to chop, elbow, and headbutt a bitch to start.  Hamada walks the ropes and hits an arm drag.  The Beautiful People make quick tags and wring Hamada’s arm.  Hamada fights out and tags in Tara, who runs wilde on Rayne.  Standing moonsault gets 2.  Velvet get a cheap shot from the apron and lets the Rayne get the advantage.  Beauts work over Tara.  Kong tags in and kills bitches dead for a minute, then tags in Hamada, who runs wilde and kicks bitches in the head.  Tara slams Lacey.  Hamada hits a moonsault press, but Rayne saves and hits Hamada with the ugly stick.  Kong chases Sky out of the arena.  Rayne gets the pin on Hamada in 4:32.  Decent little match.  I kinda get into the Beautiful People as hot, dumb blonds.  Rayne and Lacey go to beat down Tara, but Angelina Love runs in for the save.

Hulk Hogan talks to Earl Hebner about last week’s bullshit.  Hebner says Angle’s hand hit the mat when Styles reversed the ankle lock, and that counts as a tap out.  Hogan bitches him out.  Hebner says he did it for the money, and he’s apparently mad that he doesn’t get enough credit for screwing Bret.  Hogan suspends him.

Kurt Angle is headed our way!  We see this during another of TNA’s stupid “commercial break breaks.”

Styles and Flair are chilling in the locker room.  The bimbo from earlier brings in more bimbos.  Flair picks the one he likes and they plan to party.

Bubba the Love Sponge talks to Mick Foley.  Foley doesn’t care if he gets fired.

Kurt Angle comes to the ring.  He’s sour about AJ Styles changing his ways.  Angle says he’ll win the 8 Card Stud Tournament and become champion again.  Hulk Hogan comes out.  He tells Angle he got to the bottom of the screwjob, and that he’ll fire Angle if he spits in his face again.  Angle apologizes and they shake hands.  Hogan leaves.  Syxx-Pac and Scott Hall jump Angle from behind.  Rather, Syxx-Pac jumps Angle from behind and Hall slowly waddles his way into the ring to help.  Commercials.

Moments ago, what I just wrote happened!

Security kicks Pac and Hall out of the building.  Pac says “See you next week.”

The Motor City Machine Guns & Brian Kendrick vs. TNA X Division Champion Amazing Red & Generation Me.  Kendrick jumps Red to start.  Typically awesome fast paced X Division match.  There’s no way I could transcribe all of this, so I’ll just enjoy it.  Quick tags and lots of flippy floppyness.  Red goes for the Code Red on Sabin, but Shelley superkicks him.  Guns hit a double team move on Red.  Kendrick makes the blind tag and kicks Red in the head, then shoots into a half nelson cradle for the pin in 2:38.  Awesome little TV spot fest.

With Red down and out, the British Invasion comes out.  Big Rob Terry has the X Division Title shot from Feast or Fired.  They beat up Red some more.  Terry gets ready to cash in, but Magnus tells him to give the title shot to Williams.  They argue about it.  Commercials.

TNA X Division Championship Match: Amazing Red (c) vs. Doug Williams (w/ Brutus Magnus & Rob Terry).  JIP.  Red hits a tornado DDT on Williams for 2.  They cut away to show the argument during the break.  Williams hits the Chaos Theory for the pin after about 30 seconds shown to win the title.  Big Rob doesn’t look happy.

Jeff Jarrett is pacing his locker room.  He’ll be in action tonight!

ShopTNA.com!!!EXCLAMATION!POINT!!

Bischoff and Foley are in the office.  Foley talks about his kid pooping at Chuckie Cheese.  He says he’d rather be the janitor that cleaned it up than work for Eric Bischoff.  Bischoff says he should reconsider, because Foley’s friends Abyss and Jeremy Borash’s jobs depend on it.  Bischoff leaves and walks into AJ Styles’ locker room.  They’re “partying.”  Bischoff says he and Hogan are stuck with Flair in TNA.  Bischoff says they don’t have 30 days off.

The main event is NEXT!

Mr. Anderson Anderson comes out and does his introduction of himself.  Jeff Jarrett comes out to no music and no pyro.  Did the sound guy lose his CD?  Man, that Bischoff really is a dick.  Jarrett hands his jacket off to So Cal Val and we have…

Ken Anderson vs. Jeff Jarrett.  They lock up.  Jarrett lands some blows in the corner and the referee forces him to back up.  Anderson hits Jarrett in the back repeatedly.  Jarrett sends Anderson to the floor, then struts.  Commercials.  Anderson rams Jarrett into the post.  Anderson works over Jarrett’s shoulder and makes lots of covers.  Anderson goes for the Kenton bomb, but Jarrett avoids it and makes his comeback.  Jarrett fights off the Mic Check.  Anderson fights off the Stroke with a low blow and an inside cradle for the pin in 10:47 (commercials included).  Eric Bischoff is shown being pleased by this result.  Mr. Anderson Anderson announces himself as the winner.  Anderson attacks Jarrett some more and drops him with the Mic Check.  Bischoff tells the monitor that Jarrett is going to have a long, hard climb to the top of the mountain.

This was the least horrendous iMPACT! I’ve seen in a while, so I guess I give it a thumbs up.

TNA iMPACT! 1/21/10 (Repost)

Genesis highlight video.  The name of this episode is “AJ Styles… Whooo!”

Ric Flair and the World Champion AJ Styles arrive in a limo with bimbos.

Impact open, pyro and ballyhoo, Mike Tenay and Taz.

Ric Flair comes out with bimbos.  Flair says he had 3 reasons for coming to TNA: 1.) He hates Hulk Hogan.  2.) He wants AJ Styles to be the new Nature Boy.  3.)  He nailed Dixie Carter.  That was the short version.  Be thankful.  Flair introduces AJ Styles (in a suit and with yet another bimbo).  Styles cuts a promo and comes off like a goofy kid pretending to be Ric Flair.  Kurt Angle comes out with Hulk Hogan in tow.  Hogan says he changed his mind about enforcing the Genesis stipulation and he’s giving Angle another title shot tonight.  If Flair interferes, Angle wins the title.

Matt Morgan’s New Year’s Resolution is to do more for charity.

Mick Foley is throwing a tamper backstage and looking for Eric Bischoff.

Tenay and Taz run down what’s on tap for TONIGHT!

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match: Matt Morgan & Hernandez (c) vs. The British Invasion.  This is the Brits’ rematch, having lost the titles at Genesis.  Williams beats up Morgan to start.  Magnus does the revolving elbows in the corner, clotheslines Williams, picks him up for a sidewalk slam, then just drops him.  Brits get the advantage on Morgan.  Hernandez gets the tag and runs wild.  Modified Border Toss thingy gets 2.  Rob Terry comes out as Williams hits a German suplex hold for 2.  Terry throws in his Feast or Fired case to Magnus.  Magnus accidentally clocks Williams, allowing Hernandez to get the pin in 4:00.  The match was meh.  Mick Foley comes out and hits the Brits with a chair, then double arm DDTs Williams onto the chair.  Foley tells the camera that Bischoff should schedule an appointment for him.

Audio clips of Jeff Jarrett on the Bubba The Love Sponge Show.  Jarrett keeps hanging up on him.

Hogan and Bischoff talk in their office.  Bischoff is going to take care of “Cactus Jack” and Hogan is going to take care of “that other thing.”  Kevin Nash comes in.  The Band is out of control and Nash is tagging with Eric Young tonight.

Orlando Jordan comes out.  Cut to Christy Hemme interviewing “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.

Orlando Jordan vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  They lock up.  Jordan does an arm drag.  I kinda wish Orlando Jordan would fuck off and die.  Pope does his slide over the guy and out of the ring deal.  Jordan hits a Dragon screw leg whip on Pope’s injured knee.  Jordan hits a Flatliner for the pin in 3:01.

Christy interviews Kurt Angle.

The Pope says every day is a new year for him.

More Jarrett on Bubba.

Nash and Eric Young talk backstage.

Beautiful People history package.

More Jarrett/Bubba.

Bobby Lashley meets with Eric Bischoff.  Despite what Lashley’s wife has been saying, he wants to wrestle in TNA.

Madison Rayne vs. Angelina Love.  Rayne begs off, then gets a cheap shot in and beats up Love.  Angelina fights back and kicks her ass.  Angelina gets the pin after a thrust kick in 1:04.  She rips Rayne’s shirt off and chokes her with it.  Hot.  Velvet Sky and Lacey Von Erich come out.  Love fights off Lacey and Rayne at first.  They finally get the 3 on 1 beat down and Lacey hits Love with the ugly stick (a pink nightstick).

Bubba interviews Scott Hall and Syxx-Pac.  They defend Hall’s beating up of “a fan” at Genesis.

Hogan and Bischoff are headed our way!

Velvet Sky doesn’t have a New Years’ Resolution.

Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff come to the ring.  Hogan babbles, then calls out The Band.  Hogan really hates rock, paper, scissors, so he kicks Hall and Pac out of the building.  Mick Foley comes out.  Commercials.

Eric Young says he’ll be dominate in 2010.

Nash tells Hall and Pac he’ll take care of things, so they leave.

The Nasty Boys vs. Kevin Nash & TNA Global Champion Eric Young.  Sags and Young start.  Young tries.  Sags beats him up.  Knobs tags in and beats up Young.  Nash tags in and beats up Knobs.  Sags tags in and clotheslines Nash for 2.  Nash drops Sags tag in Young, who hits a diving elbow for 2.  Knobs take out Nash.  Nastys give Young the Pit Stop.  Sags hits a pumphandle slam on Young for the pin in 3:09.  This sucked.

Angle vs. Styles is still to come!

Ken Anderson Anderson is headed our way!

During the break, Team 3D clobbered the Nasty Boys with chair shots backstage.

Highlights of Mr. Anderson’s debut against Abyss at Genesis.

Ken Anderson comes out and talks.  Abyss sneaks in behind him.  Anderson goes on making fun of Abyss.  Abyss finally taps Anderson on the shoulder, then kicks his ass.

Brother Devon’s resolution is to be a good wrestler.  Good luck with that, buddy.

Brother Ray’s is to have fun.

Abyss apologizes to Bischoff backstage.  Bischoff says the only reason Abyss has a job is because Hogan likes him.  Bischoff goes into Hogan’s office, where Mick Foley is being restrained by security.  They agree to have a civilized discussion.  Foley yells at Bischoff.  Bischoff has the camera guy leave.  Stupid segment.  I’m just happy they didn’t cut straight to the invisible camera.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: AJ Styles (c) vs. Kurt Angle.  Earl Hebner is the referee.  Just mentioning that in case it comes into play later on.  Styles jumps Angle before the bell.  Angle fights back and kicks his ass.  Angle back body drops Styles, who bails.  Angle chases him back into the ring and gets the boots put to him.  Angle hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for 2.  Angle hammers Styles.  A clothesline gets 2 for Angle.  Angle tries a German, but Styles holds onto the ropes and kicks him low.  Styles puts the boots to Angle.  Insta-commercial.  They trade blows in the middle of the ring.  Styles clips Angle’s leg and puts him in the figure-four leglock.  Angle escapes and hits a belly to belly overhead suplex, then goes for the Angle Slam, but Styles arm drags his way out of it.  Angle hits the rolling Germans.  Angle goes for the Slam again, but AJ avoids and hits the Pele kick, then goes for the Styles Clash.  Angle counters it and locks in the ankle lock.  Styles rolls through, locks in his own ankle lock, and Hebner IMMEDIATELY calls for the bell.  “BULLSHIT” chants.  That’s right, another lame Montreal rehash.  Hogan comes out.  Angle yells at him, accusing him of having something to do with it, “quits,” and spits on Hogan’s face.  Insta-commercial.

During the break, Angle stole Mike Tenay’s chair and beat up the set with it.

A bloody Eric Bischoff stumbles his way to the ring, takes the microphone, and fires Mick Foley.  End.

Man, what a fucking disjointed mess of a show.

TNA iMPACT! 1/14/10 (Repost)

The show starts with highlights of the January 4 Impact.  Ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the hosts.

Generation Me vs. The Motor City Machine Guns.  Well this is awesome on paper.  Generation Me are the Young Bucks.  Sabin starts with the dark haired one.  Quick tag to Shelley.  Apparently the Bucks’ new names are Max and Jeremy.  I’m still not sure which is which.  They show “The Band,” Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, and Sean Waltman arriving.  The dark haired Buck hits a sweet neckbreaker off the top on Sabin, then tags in the light haired one.  Tenay says the light haired one is Jeremy.  Jeremy takes out Shelley with an Asai moonsault, then hits a swank springboard facebuster on Sabin.  Tag to Max.  Sabin tries to fight them both, but they double team him.  Taz says “Who are these young bucks?”  Tag to Shelley, who hits a diving thrust kick on Max.  Max spears Shelley.  Stereo splash/standing moonsault by Generation Me.  Sabin saves.  Shelley hits the Complete Shot into the turnbuckle on Max.  Sabin takes out Jeremy.  Guns double team Max again.  Jeremy saves.  Jeremy avoids a Sabin dive to the outside.  Jeremy superkicks Shelley.  Max pins Shelley at 5:00 after the More Bang For Your Buck.  Great little sprint.

The Nasty Boys are still in Team 3D’s locker room, which they’ve completely trashed.  Team 3D  knocks on the door.  The Nastys tell them in girly voices that it isn’t their locker room anymore.  Stupid.

Video package of Hulk Hogan announcing that Kurt Angle will challenge AJ Styles for the World Title at Genesis, but it’s Angle’s last shot at Styles.  Also, a new “Impact player” will debut at Genesis.

Kurt Angle comes out and talks.  AJ Styles comes out to retort.  They shake hands and hug.  After Angle leaves, the masked man beats up Styles.  He unmasks to reveal Tomko, then leaves.

Christy Hemme interviews The Band.  She calls Waltman “Syxx-Pac.”  What name are they using, then?  Bubba The Love Sponge takes over the interview.  They beat up Mick Foley last week, and now nobody knows where he is.

The Beautiful People come out for their match. Velvet Sky is happy to see Angelina Love in the front row.

Non-Title: The Beautiful People (w/ Lacey Von Erich) vs. TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions Awesome Kong & Hamada. Sky and Hamada start. Velvet gets the better of Hamada. The Beauts try double teaming, but Hamada trips them and tags in Kong, who kills them. Awesome Bomb to Rayne gets the pin at 1:56. Love comes in the ring, seemingly to check on Rayne, but then beats up Rayne and Velvet.

AJ Styles goes into Eric Bischoff’s office looking for Hogan. Bischoff says Hogan is fucking off somewhere. He wants Tomko tonight. Bischoff says he can have the match if he puts the title on the line. Styles agrees.

Beer Money is looking for Eric Bischoff. More commercials. Seriously, there was a commercial, then like a 20 second clip where Beer Money is looking for Bischoff, then more commercials.

Jeremy Borash goes into the Hogan/Bischoff room.  Bischoff is apparently talking to the mystery man.  Borash asks about Mick Foley’s whereabouts.  Bischoff chews him out for letting Foley into the building last week.  Beer Money comes in.  They want the Outsiders at the PPV.  Bischoff drinks Storm’s beer, then tells them he’ll get back to them.

Lethal Consequences comes out for a match against Team 3D.  Bobby Lashley jumps them and kills them both as Kristal looks on approvingly.  Kristal says Lashley will continue to beat people up until she gets her meeting with Hogan.  They leave.  Team 3D comes out, with Bubba carrying an axe.

Lethal Consequences vs. Team 3D.  3D on Creed.  Devon gets the pin.  I didn’t get to time it, but it was around 10 seconds.  Bubba cuts a promo on the Nasty Boys.  He says they’re going to the back to take their locker room back.

Bubba cuts down the door with the axe.  3D finds their locker room trashed.  The Nasty Boys jump them from behind, throw stuff at them, and leave them laying.

Tomko video, talking about his former tag team with AJ Styles.  Didn’t he just reveal himself half an hour ago?

Sean Morley comes out as Tenay announces that Lashley vs. Abyss has been added to Genesis.  Apparently he’s now directing, producing, and distributing porn instead of acting in it.  They randomly cut to a disgusted looking girl in the crowd.  He wants to create a TNA Films division.  Christopher Daniels comes out.  He acts happy and welcomes Morley to TNA, turns on him, and stomps a mudhole in him, then drops him with a Rock Bottom and hits the BME.  Daniels bitches at him on the mic.  Morley wakes up and clotheslines Daniels to the floor.

Tara/ODB video.  They’ll meet at Genesis in a 2/3 Falls Match.  I don’t care.

Jeff Jarrett (w/ guy in suit) is in the building!

Another random bit of show in the middle of the commercial: Matt Morgan and Hernandez are working out before their match with Beer Money.

Matt Morgan & Hernandez vs. Beer Money.  I got distracted during the first minute.  Beer Money suplexes Hernandez, then does the BEER! MONEY! post, which Morgan interrupts and drops them both.  Hernandez hits a springboard double clothesline on Beer Money, then pounces Roode across the ring, then takes on Beer Money with a suicide dive, then whistles.  Rob Terry attacks Hernandez to cause the DQ at 2:42.  They beat him backstage.  The Band comes out and beats down Beer Money.  Security and refs try to break it up.  Eric Bischoff comes out and stands on the stage.  Commercial.

Moments ago, what I just typed moments ago happened.  During the break, Bischoff told Beer Money that the next round is on him.  Does that mean they get their match?

Now, Bischoff talks to The Band in the ring.  He makes the match official.  Nash, Hall, and Waltman hug.  Sting is in the rafters.

Another Tomko video.  He’s mad because AJ never returned his phone calls.

Tenay and Taz reviewed the tape during the break, and their SURE that Sting is in the rafters.  Regular Holmes and Watson, those two.

Desmond Wolfe vs. Samoa Joe.  D’Angelo Dinero is on commentary.  He’ll face Wolfe at Genesis.  Joe hammers Nigel with punches, squashes him in the corner, kicks him.  Nigel fights back.  Joe hits the snap powerslam for 2.  Joe goes for the choke.  Nigel escapes.  Joe hits an STO.  Nigel counters another STO and gets awesome.  Nigel goes for the Tower of London, but Joe locks in the choke from the top rope.  Nigel hits the Tower of London anyway for the pin at 3:24.  Good little match.  So Cal Val replaces Nigel’s jacket and sunglasses.  Nigel tells Pope “If I can beat Joe, I can beat you.”

Ric Flair arrives in a limo.  He’s going to do color commentary!

Tomko video.  He put on a mask and attacked AJ a bunch.

Jeff Jarrett invades Hogan’s office and yells about “his company” a bunch.  He says TNA is and has always been him, that the young guys aren’t worth a damn.  Bischoff tells off Jarrett.  Jarrett yells at Hogan some more.  Hogan threatens to kick Jarrett’s ass.  Jarrett bitches down.

Tenay and Taz run down the Genesis card.

Ric Flair comes out to do commentary on the main event.  Commercials!

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: AJ Styles (c) vs. Tomko.  AJ jumps Tomko before JB can finish the introductions.  They fight.  Kurt Angle comes out to observe.  He shakes hands and hugs Flair.  Tomko powerslams Styles for 2.  Tomko with a big boot for 2.  Commercials.  Tomko has Styles in a rear chin lock.  Commercials.  Tomko hits a powerslam for 2.  AJ starts fighting back and rocks him with an enzuigiri and the Pele kick for the pin in 7:50.  Match was kind a lame.  They keep fighting after the match.  Angle runs off Tomko.  Styles refuses to shake Angle’s hand.  That dick.

Genesis hype video to close the show.

Man, this was an ordeal.