“Last week on iMPACT!…” video.
“Hogan’s Heroes.” Really?
Hulk Hogan, Abyss, Rob Van Dam, and Jeff Hardy arrive in a Hummer. Abyss can drive?
iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo. Mike Tenay and Taz are our hosts.
TNA World Heavyweight Champion AJ Styles and Ric Flair come out. Styles cuts a promo on Abyss. It sucks. Styles gets booed for saying he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. Heh. Styles says he’s a gift from God, then breaks out Flair’s classic “fat boy” line. Flair takes the mic and cuts a typically awesome Ric Flair promo. Flair busts himself open by punching the cut he got last week. Flair talks about Jeff Hardy. Hardy comes out (w/ stupid Joker makeup). Styles bitches at Hardy. Styles’ promos are so forced. Styles challenges Hardy to a match tonight. Hardy accepts. Flair tells Hardy to backstage and paint a picture to get high off the paint. Hardy has some bizarre closing line about creatures of the night, then the lighting goes all retarded as Flair stomps around. The fuck?
Eric Bischoff bitches and Mick Foley. Bischoff says tonight he’s going to shave Foley’s head and beard.
Destination X is THIS SUNDAY! Who knew?
Tenay and Taz talk about what’s going down TONIGHT!
Earlier today, Jimmy Hart and the Nasty Boys jumped Jesse Neal in catering. Sags powerbombs him through a table.
Now the Nastys and Hart are in the ring. It was supposed to be a six-man tag, but Knobs says now it’s a handicap match. Team 3D comes out (w/ table). Bubba says they have a partner… Brother Runt!
The Nasty Boys & Jimmy Hart vs. Team 3D & Brother Runt. Devon and Sags brawl to start. In Devon’s defense, he wanted to lock up. Runt tags in and goes stuff. He wants to fight Jimmy Hart. He also has a very noticeable bald spot. Nastys give Runt the Pit Stop. Gross. Hart tags in and puts the boots to Runt. Hart tries to whip Runt with the belt. Runt tags out to Bubba. Knobs tags in. Bubba beats up the Nastys. He sends Sags to the floor. Runt hits him with a double axe handle to the outside. More shit happens. Knobs hits Ray with the helmet, which allows Hart to get the pin in 3:13. Really? Nastys do the beat down after the match. Hart whips Runt with the belt. Jesse Neal makes the save. Sags takes a very unsmooth looking 3D through the table. This sucked.
Christy Hemme interviews Angelina Love. She issues an open challenge to any of the Beautiful People for tonight. Commercials!
Jeremy Borash interviews Scott Hall and Syxx-Pac. Syxx says “We’ve been kicked out of better places than this.” I LOL’d. Kevin Nash and Eric Young interrupt. Nash puts up $25,000 for Hall to face him for 5 minutes tonight. Hall says “See you out there. I’ll be the one looks like Elvis.” Heh.
Ken Anderson & Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. Kurt Angle & “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero. Angle and Wolfe start, which is always fucking awesome. They trade arm locks. Anderson cheap shots Angle from the apron. Anderson tags in and works over Angle for a second, then tags in Wolfe, who works over Angle some more. Angle hits a belly-to-belly throw on Wolfe. Tag to Pope, still selling his ankle injury. I love Pope. Most guys won’t even sell an injury for a whole match. He’s been selling that ankle injury for a month. Angle hits the Angle Slam on Anderson. He tries it on Wolfe, who counters with the Divorce Court. Pope pins Wolfe with an inside cradle in 3:29. Well, it was good while it lasted. Wolfe attacks Pope after the match. They brawl up the ramp as Anderson jumps Angle in the ring, steals his dog tag again, and uses it to cut Angle open! Anderson uses his special mic and cuts a promo on a bloody, fallen Angle. Awesome. Anderson clobbers Angle with the mic. Great stuff.
Stupid commercial cutaway: The Beautiful People talk backstage. None of them want to face Angelina.
Hogan talks to Hardy and RVD. He says Abyss will be the guest enforcer. Nothing else he says makes sense. RVD and Hardy leave. Bischoff comes in. He’s mad Hulk didn’t tell him about Hardy and RVD showing up last week. Hogan says he knew Bischoff was busy. Bischoff says he’s going to remind some people who the boss is tonight. Hogan says “That was weird.”
Angelina comes out for the match. The Beautiful People come out and tell her that her opponent is tonight’s honorary Beautiful People member. Daffney comes from under the ring and jumps Love.
Angelina Love vs. Daffney (w/ TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions The Beautiful People & Lacey Von Erich). Daffney knocks Love down, mounts her, and abuses her. That was a strange sentence. Daffney pulls a toolbox from under the ring and brings in a hammer. The ref won’t let her use it. Love trips her and lands some punches. The Beautiful People trip her and pull her crotch against the post for the DQ in 1:23. Daffney spins Love into the ramp. Ouch. Daffney gets the ugly stick from the ramp. Tara runs in through the crowd to make the save and drops Rayne with the Widow’s Peak. She’ll defend the Knockouts Title against Tara at Destination X.
Styles vs. Hardy TONIGHT! Commercials!
The show all of the shenanigans involving Sting from last week.
Hulk Hogan comes out to the ring. He cuts a promo about Sting. Hogan says he can smell Sting. Sting is in the rafters. As usual. Hogan calls him out. Sting makes his way from the rafters to the floor of the arena. It’s a long walk. When he gets into the arena, Rob Van Dam jumps him and kicks his ass. Great babyface behavior, guys. RVD takes the bat, throws it to Hogan, and throws Sting into the ring. Bischoff comes out and yells at Hogan not to do it. Bischoff lectures Hogan about his current role. He yells at security to get Sting out of here. He tells Hogan to be done with it (being a wrestler, I guess). This whole segment was stupid. Hogan hugs Brooke at ringside.
Hernandez tells Jarrett he wants to team with him against Beer Money. Bischoff overhears and tells them it’s Hernandez vs. Beer Money with Jarrett as the referee. Bischoff says if Jarrett screws up, he’s being demoted to ring crew… or something.
Commercial inset: Hardy vs. Styles! Hall vs. Nash!
5 Minute, $25,000 Challenge: Kevin Nash vs. Scott Hall. Hall is in street clothes, including a TNA sweatshirt with “WOLFPAC” in magic marker. They trade slow, weak punches. Nash hits a short range lariat to escape a wrist lock. Nash elbows Hall in the corner. Syxx-Pac runs in and clips Nash’s leg. They handcuff Nash to the bottom rope and beat on him. Eric Young tries to make the save, but they overwhelm him too. Pac hits the X Factor. Hall takes the money. I guess it’s a no-contest in about 2 or 3 minutes. It sucked.
ShopTNA.com!
JB interviews Beer Money. They’re mad that they’ve been pushed aside since Hogan and Bischoff arrived. They got back on TV and had a title shot at the next PPV, THEN they decided to turn heel. I guess you can’t expect logic from TNA.
Handicap Match: Beer Money vs. TNA World Tag Team Champion Hernandez. Jeff Jarrett is the referee. Beer Money jumps Hernandez as soon as he gets in the ring. Hernandez’s partner Matt Morgan comes out, teases going to the ring, but joins the commentary team instead. Beer Money beats up Hernandez and taunt Jarrett while Morgan bitches about Hernandez on commentary. Beer Money tries to suplex Hernandez, but he suplexes both of them. Hernandes goes for the Border Toss on Roode, but Storm superkicks him. Beer Money hits the DWI and Roode gets the pin in 3:37. They insist that Jarrett raises their hands in victory. Jarrett grudgingly goes so. Beer Money beats down Hernandez and push Jarrett down when he tries to save. Jarrett takes off the referee shirt and helps Hernandez fight off Beer Money. Whatever.
Eric Bischoff is headed to the ring with a mirror.
Eric Bischoff is in the ring with a barber chair. He says he’s going to do things to Jeff Jarrett’s ass next week. Or something. He calls for Mick Foley to come out. Foley sits in the chair, then stops Bischoff from using the clippers. Foley reveals the sock and puts the Mandible Claw on Bischoff until he passes out in the chair. Foley takes the clippers and shaves Bischoff’s head. Foley holds the mirror in front of Bischoff, who is pissed. Commercials!
Moments ago, ^ happened.
Christy Hemme interviews Shannon Moore. Ugh. He cuts a retarded promo.
The Motor City Machine Guns are in the ring, where the Ultimate X structure has been assembled. Sabin cuts a promo, then bashes Generation Me. Sabin says “Who have you ever beat?” Generation Me comes out and reminds them that they beat the Guns in their debut match. Shelley says it was luck. Shelly says “We are the XBox to our Atari. You are the station wagons to our Ferraris.” Shelley says something about spending the night with their girlfriends. Bucks jump the Guns. Brian Kendrick comes out to help the Guns. Amazing Red comes in and jumps on Kendrick. Christopher Daniels comes out and drops Red. Kazarian comes out with a ladder and throws it at Daniels. Everybody fights. The Bucks dive off the structure onto the Guns. Red flips off of the ladder and takes out all four of the heels on the outside of the ring. Crazy dive. The faces pose on the ladder. Good segment.
JB interviews Abyss. He cuts a promo about the ring.
The main event is NEXT!
Commercial inset: Jeff Hardy backstage!
Non-Title: TNA World Heavyweight Champion AJ Styles (w/ Ric Flair) vs. Jeff Hardy. Abyss is the outside enforcer. After a commercial break, Styles jumps Hardy. I think they waited until then to start the match. He bell is really hard to hear tonight. Hardy hits a diving leg drop for 2. Hardy works a rear chin lock. Styles sends Hardy to the outside. Abyss stares down Flair when he tries to get involved. Flair throws his jacket at Abyss. Styles teases a dive, then doesn’t. Yay for actually getting some heat, AJ! Styles puts the boots to Hardy back inside. Hardy fights back. Styles drops him with a dropkick. Styles works Hardy’s leg. Hardy sends Styles out to the ramp. Styles grounds Hardy with a chin lock. Hardy hits a front suplex, then a dropkick in the corner. Styles hits a brainbuster for 2. Hardy hits a dive that I missed for 2. Styles avoids the Twist of Fate and hits the Pele kick. There’s a ref bump. Styles gets a chair. Abyss says no. Hardy goes for the springboard 450. Hardy avoids it and hits the Twist of Fate and the Swanton Bomb. Abyss counts the pin in 9:12. Fine match. Flair hits Hardy with a chair to send him outside, then hits Abyss. Flair follows Abyss on the stage and keeps hitting him with the chair. Abyss hulks up and chokeslams Flair through the stage. Abyss points and Styles. End of show.
I gotta give week 2 to Raw.