Archive for Irwin R. Schyster

WWE Monday Night Raw 11/15/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 15, 2010 by Grappleholic

The recognized symbol of excellence in sports entertainment!  Awesome Raw open with current starts in an old style open.  Pyro and ballyhoo!  Old school logos, sirens, etc.  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are the announcers and are in old school attire.  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

Mean Gene Okerlund comes out to the old school interview podium.  He introduces “Cowboy” Bob Orton Jr.  He starts to introduce Randy, but Bob says he’s not there yet.  Okerlund interviews Orton about his son’s chances at Survivor Series.  He says something I didn’t catch that angers the crowd.  Wade Barrett comes out and chastises him about being old and whatnot.  The Miz and Alex Riley come out.  Miz talks about being a dick last week and his Money In The Bank privilege.  He says he might cash in tonight and fuck up the Survivor Series main event, somehow forcing Cena to stay in Nexus forever.  John Cena appears on the screen and tells Miz that he’s not going to allow any such frivolities and challenges Miz to a match tonight.  Miz accepts.  Commercials.  This is fun, with the old school set and music and all.

WWE.com plug.

Non-Title: WWE Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. Mark Henry.  OLD SCHOOL INSET PROMOS DURING ENTRANCES!  Henry comes out to the Sexual Chocolate theme!  Ziggler goes for the sleeper hold.  Henry throws him out of the ring.  Blue ring apron, posts, and steps!  Red, white, and blue ring ropes!  Old school logos on the turnbuckle pads!  Referees wearing light blue shirts and bow ties!  This rules.  Henry beats up Ziggler.  Ziggler fails to apply the sleeper hold again.  Ziggler gets crotched on the top rope and falls to the floor.  Sexual Chocolate leers at Vickie, then press slams Ziggler back into the ring.  Ziggler dropkicks Henry’s knee and puts the boots to him.  Ziggler beats up Henry.  Henry hits a powerslam, but Ziggler gets a foot on the bottom rope.  Ziggler avoids getting squashed by a big splash and hits a Fameasser for 2.  Cole called it the Zig Zag because he’s mentally retarded.  Ziggler hits the Zig Zag for the pi… no, 2!  Amazingly, Cole didn’t call it the Fameasser.  Ziggler locks in a scissored sleeper and wins by referee stop in 4:27.  The environment made this way more fun to watch than it should have been.

The Hart Dynasty chat backstage about working through their problems.  They encounter Tony Atlas, who babbles about teaming with Rocky Johnson back in the day and rubs WD-40 onto his skin.  Hilarious.  Commercials.

Backstage, Tony Atlas is STILL rambling!  Yoshi Tatsu is listening, and feigns committing seppuku.

Non-Title: WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater of The Nexus vs. The Hart Dynasty.  Smith and Slater start with a great wrestling exchange.  Gabriel throws some kicks, but Smith catches one and trips him.  Smith beats up Gabriel.  Smith hits ROLLING BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEXES for 2.  Slater saves.  Slater tags in.  Smith powerslams him and hits a leg drop for 2.  Smith goes for the running powerslam, but gets distracted by Gabriel.  Slater gets the advantage on Smith.  Nexus make quick tags and work Smith over.  Smith goes to tag in Kidd, but Kidd TURNS HEEL and kicks him in the head!  Gabriel hits the 450 splash on Smith for the pin in 3:05.  The Hart Dynasty has finally collapsed!

Mean Gene Okerlund interviews WWE Champion Randy Orton (w/ his dad, “Cowboy” Bob Orton Jr.).  R-Truth interrupts to tell him about how Cena is going to fuck him on Sunday.  Orton says he’s going to kick Cena in the head tonight to keep that from happening.  Commercials.

Random note: I also love the old school shirts everyone is wearing tonight.

Old school WWEShop.com plug with Mean Gene plugging old school merchandise!

Justin Roberts introduces Howard Finkel, who will be doing ring announcing for at least the next match.  He’s still awesome.  He should be doing ring announcing full time!  He introduces The Brooklyn Brawler (w/ Harvey Whippleman)!  They heel on the crowd and issue an open challenge to anyone from “the new school.”  ZEKE accepts!

The Brooklyn Brawler (w/ Harvey Whippleman) vs. Ezekiel Jackson.  Zeke hits a shoulder block.  Brawler talks shit, shoves Zeke, and tries to slam him.  Zeke mauls him.  Zeke hits the Book of Ezekiel for the pin in 50 seconds.  Awesome!

Tonight, John Cena vs. The Miz!  Old school match graphics!  Commercials!

The 5 lesser members of The Nexus are backstage.  David Otunga says that somebody needs to deal with R-Truth.  He calls himself “leader,” which Barrett overhears.  Barrett tells Otunga that he’ll be the one facing R-Truth tonight.  Cole gets an email from the iBooker 9000.  Shouldn’t they use an old computer for this?  iBooker says Otunga already has a “special” match tonight, so Barrett will face R-Truth tonight.  Barrett is fine with this.  Harris says they have his back, but Barrett says he’ll handle this.  John Cena comes in to talk about whatever.  Barrett orders Harris and McGillicutty to have Cena’s back tonight.  Cena declines.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night, but it’s written OLD SCHOOL!

John Cena and The Miz (w/ Alex Riley) come out for their match.  They show Miz screwing Randy Orton in the 10-man tag last week.  Miz cuts a promo and sends Riley to fight in his stead.

John Cena vs. Alex Riley (w/ The Miz).  They lock up.  Cena hits a snap mare.  Cole babbles about not knowing what year it is.  Cena outclasses Riley some more.  Riley lands an elbow smash.  Miz decks Cena behind the referee’s back.  Riley pounds on Cena.  Cena fights back, but misses Riley in the corner and eats turnbuckle pads.  Riley beats up Cena some more.  Riley hits a move that we don’t see because the camera was focused on Miz for 2.  Retarded camera work in this match.  Cena makes his comeback.  Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment, then locks in the STF for the win in 3:43.  It was fine.

Randy Orton runs out and brawls with Miz.  Husky Harris and Michael McGillicutty jump Orton.  Orton kicks their asses.  Cena and Orton face off and brawl.  The old school referees and officials (including Tony Garea!) break them up.  Cole gets an email from the iBooker.  Ugh.  iBooker says that later tonight, Cena and Orton will be guests on Piper’s Pit!  Thank God we don’t have to suffer through another Orton/Cena match tonight.  Commercials!

The recognized symbol of excellence in sports entertainment!  They play that and the open again.  I don’t know why, and I don’t care.  It’s cool.

Cole and Lawler talk.

Howard Finkel introduces The Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff!  Volkoff sings the Soviet national anthem.  In 2010.  Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov come out.  Kozlov wants to sing the Soviet anthem with Volkoff!  They sing!  This rules!  Santino stops them because it’s awful.  He wants to sing his own song.  He brings out THE DOCTOR OF STYLE, SLICK!  SLICK COMES OUT TO JIVE SOUL BRO!  THIS IS THE GREATEST SHOW EVER!  Sheik babbles incoherently.  I can’t believe they gave that man a live mic.  The Usos come out.  We’ve got a tag title #1 Contender match next.  In the Usos’ corner will be JIMMY “SUPERFLY” SNUKA!  Commercials.

WWE Tag Team Championship #1 Contenders Match: Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov vs. Jimmy & Jey Uso (w/ Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka & Tamina).  JIP.  The Usos get the heat on Santino.  Santino hits Jey with a judo throw and gator rolls him to the corner.  Kozlov tags in and hits Jey with a fall away slam.  Santino tags in and hits a slam thingy for 2.  Kozlov tags back in and beats up Jey some more.  Jimmy blind tags in and takes out Kozlov’s leg.  Jimmy hits a jumping headbutt for 2.  Jimmy hits a backdrop suplex for 2.  Jimmy works a rear chin lock.  Kozlov breaks free and knocks Jimmy across the ring with a battering ram headbutt.  Jey tags in and cuts Kozlov off from making the tag.  Santino gets knocked off the apron, then distracts the referee so his partner can get double teamed.  The Usos work over Kozlov.  Jimmy tries to knock Santino off again, but Santino decks him.  Kozlov makes the hot tag to Santino, who runs wild on Jimmy.  Confusion ensues.  Actually, I think that’s Jey getting run wild upon.  Santino hits the Cobra on Jey for the pin (about 5 1/2 minutes shown).  This wasn’t any good.

Sheamus runs in, drops Kozlov and the Usos, and goes after Santino.  Santino begs off.  John Morrison appears, low bridges Sheamus out of the ring, and knocks him off the apron with an enzuigiri.  Morrison says he keeps attacking Sheamus because Sheamus is a bully who will run away when confronted.  He challenges Sheamus to fight.  Sheamus does just as Morrison said he would and leaves.

Tonight, Piper’s Pit with Cena and Orton!  Commercials!

The Survivor Series song is some crappy song by some crappy band.

David Otunga vs. Kofi Kingston.  Inset promo from Kingston!  Kingston lands some leg kicks, then grabs a side headlock.  Otunga catches a cross body and slams Kingston.  Otunga slams Kingston again.  And again.  Cover gets 2.  Otunga grabs a headlock.  Kofi fights out.  Otunga hits what Cole calls an elbow but what looked to me like a back butt for 2.  Otunga grabs a chin lock.  Kofi fights back and starts his comeback.  Double clothesline spot.  George “The Animal” Steele comes out and teases eating the turnbuckle pad.  The referee stops him, so he eats one in a different corner.  Otunga is back on his feet and his like “WTF?”  Kofi gets up and rams his head into the exposed turnbuckle, then hits the Trouble In Paradise for the pin in 4:50.  Heh.

Gerald Brisco and Arn Anderson compliment John Morrison on dealing with Sheamus.  Sheamus hits Morrison with the pump kick out of nowhere and accepts his challenge for a match… at Survivor Series.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Aksana walks around backstage with the Million Dollar Championship.  “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan shows up to tell her that her mom is there.  Huh?  It’s Dusty Rhodes with a curly blond wig.  He has Kelly Kelly drop a net on her.  Goldust steals the Million Dollar belt back from her.  He returns the belt to it’s rightful owner, “The Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiase.  Irwin R. Schyster promises to find him a good tax shelter.  Dibiase tries to give the belt back to his son, Ted Dibiase Jr., but Jr. doesn’t want it.  Cody Rhodes says “that ended far from dashing.”  Goldust and Cody walk away.  Dusty says “I raised some weird kids.”  They play Dusty’s “Common Man” theme.  Dusty, Tatanka, and Hacksaw dance. Ron Simmons sees this and says “DAMN!”  Funny stuff.

Earlier tonight, SHIT WENT DOWN between John Cena and Randy Orton.

R-Truth and Eve Torres are headed our way!  Commercials!

WWE.com plug.

“Promotional Consideration Paid For By The Following…”  R.D. Reynolds just WrestleCrapped his pants.

R-Truth (w/ Eve Torres) vs. Wade Barrett.  They brawl.  Truth flips around and hits the break dancing kick.  Truth clotheslines Barrett out of the ring and hits him with a somersault dive.  Back inside, Truth goes up top.  Barrett goes to cut him off.  Truth jumps over him, but Barrett catches Truth with a sidewalk slam.  Barrett his a suplex for 2.  Barrett hits a diving elbow drop for 2.  Barrett his a backbreaker for 2.  John Cena and Randy Orton are both show watching backstage.  Truth gets an inside cradle that we almost missed for 2.  Barrett applies a rear chin lock.  Truth makes his comeback and gets a fancy cradle for 2.  Truth hits a front suplex for 2.  Barrett avoids the scissors kick and goes for the Wasteland.  Truth counters, but gets booted in the face.  Barrett hits the Wasteland for the pin in 5:06.  It was fine.

Tonight, Cena and Orton on Piper’s Pit!  Commercials!

They play the opens again.

Cole and Lawler goof off.

Ricardo Rodriguez is here!  That’s 3 ring announcers tonight.  Tito Santana comes out to cut him off and introduces Alberto Del Rio himself!  Del Rio has Chavo Classic driving him!  Del Rio cuts a promo.  He wants the other legends to kiss his ass like Tito and Chavo.  Sergeant Slaughter comes out and cuts an awesome promo.  “Shut your hole, puke, and listen up!  There’s 2 things you don’t mess with: Legends and America!”  He challenges Del Rio to a match.  Del Rio accepts.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Sergeant Slaughter.  Del Rio beats on Slaughter.  Slaughter locks in the Cobra Clutch.  Del Rio gets a rope break and elbows Sarge in the face.  Del Rio hits a clothesline for 2.  Del Rio applies a rear chin lock.  Slaughter fights out.  Del Rio beats him up some more.  Sarge locks in the Cobra Clutch again.  Del Rio backs him into the corner and breaks free, then whips Sarge into the corner and hits an enzuigiri for the pin in 1:54.  It was what it was.  Del Rio applies the cross armbreaker after the match.  MVP comes out and runs off Del Rio.

Mean Gene plugs WWE merchandise again.  Commercials.

Cole and Lawler talk.  Cole is being a dick,

WrestleMania tickets went on sale last weekend!

Mean Gene Okerlund brings out Mae Young!  She’s escorted by the Bella Twins.  Poor thing.  They show a really old black & white picture.  Mae was a babe in her day.  They show a video package on some of her exploits.  Unified WWE Divas Champions Michelle McCool & Layla come out to be obnoxious bitches and ruin a feel good moment.  Mae Young wants a match “with these sluts!”  She’s a feisty old gal!  “You little bitches, let’s go!”  LayCool laugh.  The bell rings.  This is a real match!  Falls count anywhere!

Handicap Falls Count Anywhere Match: Mae Young (w/ The Bella Twins) vs. Unified WWE Divas Champions Michelle McCool & Layla.  Natalya, Gail Kim, Melina, and Eve Torres come out and beat up LayCool.  Mae slaps Layla and pins her in 54 seconds!  Awesome!  Commercials!  That was AWESOME!

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Howard Finkel introduces JIM ROSS to do commentary on the next match!  YAY!  Michael Cole is not happy about this.

Non-Title: WWE United States Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Jack Swagger.  It’s so good to hear J.R. again.  Bryan and Swagger lock up.  Awesome grappling.  Danielson counters out of the ankle lock and lands a Mirko Cro Cop head kick.  Cole needs to shut the fuck up and let J.R. talk.  More awesome grappling on the mat.  Danielson leapfrogs Swagger and  lands a dropkick for 1.  Danielson back flips over Swagger and gets booted in the face.  Commercials.  Cole needs to SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP RUINING THE MOMENT.  Jim Ross welcomes us back to Raw as Swagger has Bryan in a hold.  Cole is BEING A FUCKING IGNORANT PRICK AND NEEDS TO FUCK OFF AND DIE.  Swagger beats up Bryan.  Swagger gator rolls Bryan out of the ring and pounds him on the apron.  I’d give my right nut for the chance to punch Michael Cole in the face right now.  Bryan low bridges Swagger out of the ring.  COLE NEEDS TO FUCK OFF.  Danielson lands a baseball slide dropkick, then hits a flying knee off the apron!  STOP CUTTING TO COLE, YOU FUCKS!  Back inside, Danielson hits a missile dropkick for 2.  Bryan kicks the crap out of Swagger.  Swagger catches his leg and goes for the ankle lock.  Bryan flips Swagger into the corner, then misses Swagger in the corner and hurts himself.  SHUT UP, COLE!  Swagger hits a Vader Bomb for 2.  Lawler finally tells Cole to “shut the hell up.”  Swagger hits another Vader Bomb.  He goes for the Doctor Bomb, but Danielson dead weights him and goes for the LeBell Lock.  Swagger counters into a backbreaker.  Danielson counters the Doctor Bomb again and lands the high kick for the pin in 10:44.  Awesome match that even Cole’s retardation couldn’t ruin.  Ted Dibiase Jr. appears and hits Bryan with the Dream Street, then poses with the United States title belt as his awful music plays.  Maryse comes out just so they can leave together.  Cole needs to fuck off and die.

Survivor Series hype.

J.R. slaps Cole with his cowboy hat!  YAY!

Orton and Cena are headed our way!  Commercials!

Promotional consideration paid for by the following!

Justin Roberts introduces the legends to the crowd: Jimmy Snuka, Bob Orton Jr., Irwin R. Schyster, Tito Santana, Sergeant Slaughter, Jim Duggan, Brooklyn Brawler, Chavo Classic, Mean Gene Okerlund, Howard Finkel, Mae Young, Gerald Brisco, Ted Dibiase, Slick, Tatanka, Tony Atlas, Arn Anderson, Ron Simmons, Dusty Rhodes, George Steele, Jim Ross, The Iron Sheik, and Nikolai Volkoff.  That’s nice!  “Hey, here’s a bunch of our agents and other guys we’ve fired a bunch of times!” -My buddy mhirn.

“Rowdy” Roddy Piper comes out to do Piper’s Pit!  He cuts a promo, then introduces John Cena.  Piper bitches at Cena about disrespecting legends by possibly giving Wade Barrett the WWE Championship this Sunday.  He urges Cena to do the ring thing.  Cena replies at length about his respect for the legends.  He says he’ll call the match right down the middle.  That means he’s going to screw someone.  Wade Barrett comes out and says that’s fine, because he doesn’t need help to win, but Cena is still fired if Barrett loses.  Piper bitches Barrett out in awesome crazy old man style.  Barrett bitches at Piper, then Cena.  He forces Cena to put on a Nexus t-shirt.  Why the hell is he just now doing that?  Cena puts the shirt on, then tells Barrett he’s going to turn his face into mush on Sunday.  Barrett says Nexus will kick Cena’s ass before he can hurt Barrett.  WWE Champion Randy Orton comes out, talks to Cena for a minute, then beats up Barrett.  Orton humps the mat.  Cena intervenes before Orton can hit the RKO or come or whatever he’s trying to do.  Orton RKOs Cena and goes for the PUNT OF DEATH.  Barrett cuts him off.  Cena avoids the punt and hits the Attitude Adjustment.  Barrett orders Cena to raise his hand.  Cena gives Barrett the Attitude Adjustment instead.  He takes off the Nexus shirt and throws it on Barrett.  Piper raises Cena’s hand to close the show.  Why isn’t Miz cashing in right now while the getting is good?

I don’t care if most of the wrestling sucked (I say “most” because Bryan vs. Swagger was awesome), this show ruled!

WWE Monday Night Raw 6/7/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 7, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open.  Cut straight to the arena, where Raw and Smackdown GMs Bret Hart and Teddy Long make their way to the ring.  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are the announcers.

Bret Hart welcomes the people to the Viewer’s Choice Raw.  Go to WWE.com and vote.  Joy.  They announce that the fans will pick the opponents for the participants in the Raw Fatal 4 Way match.  Long says they should talk about Randy Orton.  Orton comes out with his arm in a sling.  He says he wants Edge tonight.  Edge comes out to retort.  Long whispers in Bret’s ear.  Bret agrees to leave it up to the fans.  Long says it will be a debate, a sit-up contest, or a one arm match.  Stupid.  They pick the one armed thing.  I already hate this show.  Long announces that the first match is Chris Jericho vs. The Big Show.  It’s either Over The Top Rope Challenge, Submission Match, or Body Slam Challenge.  Stupid, stupid shit.  Big Show comes out.  Commercials.

Matt Striker reveals the results.  Body Slam Challenge wins.  Lawler is an idiot.

Body Slam Challenge: The Big Show vs. Chris Jericho.  Show is amused.  Jericho looks near tears.  Jericho slaps Show.  Show kicks his ass.  Jericho side steps Show in the corner and tries to slam him but fails, of course.  Show beats up Jericho some more.  Show signals for the KO punch.  Jericho bails.  Show grabs him, but Jericho pulls his arm across the top rope.  Jericho tries to work the arm.  Jericho comes off the top and gets caught with a chop.  Jericho tries a cross body, but Show catches him and slams him for the win in 2:52.  That was stupid.  Show puts Jericho in a camel clutch and Jericho taps out.  Show is announced as the winner again.  Show throws Jericho out of the ring to win again.  This was really, really stupid.

Miami!

Who will the Hart Dynasty face?  The Usos (now named John & Jey) (w/ Tamina), The Dudebusters, or Great Khali & Hornswoggle.  We get short promos from all 3.  Ugh.

WWE.com plug.

Striker reveals the winners… Khali & Hornswoggle.  FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Non-Title: Unified WWE Tag Team Champions The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya) vs. Great Khali & Hornswoggle.  Khali mauls Kidd.  Hornswoggle tags in and goes for the tadpole splash.  Kidd avoids it.  Smith kicks Khali off the apron.  Kidd pins Hornswoggle in 1:18.  This was retarded.  The Usos and Tamina attack the Harts again.  This week, the Harts clean house.

Lawler gets up from the announce table, saying he has a problem.  Cole introduces the Smackdown Rebound, with an angle so shitty is has to be recapped.

Guest hosts the A-Team cast are next.  Well, they can’t make this show any worse.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

The stars of The A-Team are introduces.  Only Bradley Cooper comes out.  He greets the crowd and leaves.  What was the fucking point of that.

Jerry Lawler is backstage looking for someone.  Quinton Jackson and Sharlto Copley find him.  Lawler says somebody stole his crown.  They say they’ll find it.  They go outside and encounter the Bella Twins, but stay in character.  Fuck, I hate this show.

Santino Marella comes out.  He’ll face Vladimir Kozlov in… a match, an arm wrestling match, or a dance off.  Fuck.

Vladimir Kozlov comes out.  Striker reveals the results.  It’s a Dance Off.  Shoot me now.

Santino dances… or comes out of the closet, I’m not sure which.  Kozlov does the robot, I think, and some other retarded shit.  “Vintage Kozlov!”  Cole is a moron.  Kozlov is judged the winner.  Kozlov and Santino dance together, then Kozlov shoves him down.  Ugh.  This show is retarded.

All of the divas are backstage.  Will it be a 12 woman tag, a battle royal, or champion vs. champion?  Can I vote for none of the above?

The Divas come out.  Lawler reveals that it’s gonna be a Battle Royal.

Divas Battle Royal featuring WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres, The Bella Twins, Gail Kim, Tiffany, Kelly Kelly, Maryse, Alicia Fox, Rosa Mendez, Jillian Hall, Michelle McCool, and WWE Women’s Champion Layla.  They fight.  Rosa gets eliminated by one of the Bellas.  McCool and Layla eliminate Tiffany.  McCool eliminates Kelly.  Gail eliminates Fox, then goes over herself.  LayCool eliminate the Bellas.  Eve fights LayCool  and manages to eliminate them both.  Maryse and Jillian beat down Eve.  They eliminate her.  Jillian declares herself and Maryse co-winners, but Maryse eliminates Jillian to win it in 3:55.  This sucked.  Are you surprised?

Cole and Lawler talk about how great all the stupid bullshit I’ve suffered through tonight were.

Sheamus is backstage.  He encounters Kane, who accuses him of turning Undertaker into a cucumber.  Sheamus says if he had done it, he wouldn’t be shy about it.  Kane calls him a liar and hopes to see him soon.

Who will Sheamus face?  Kane, Mark Henry, or Evan Bourne?

Sheamus comes out.  They show him getting pinned by Evan Bourne in the tag match against Bourne & John Cena last week.  Matt Striker reveals Sheamus’ opponent… Kane (with 88%).  Big surprise, right?

Sheamus vs. Kane.  Kane goes on the attack.  Sheamus cuts him off on the top rope and hits an over the shoulder powerslam for 2.  Commercials.  Sheamus puts his knee in Kane’s back and pulls on his arms.  What the fuck is that move called?  Kane gets out and boots Sheamus in the face.  Kane hits a basement dropkick for 2.  Kane hits the diving lariat and goes for the chokeslam, but Sheamus kicks free.  They counter each other until Sheamus hits a reverse DDT backbreaker.  Kane avoids the pump kick and goozles Sheamus out of the ring.  Sheamus comes back in.  Kane hits the chokeslam.  Sheamus rolls out of the ring.  He decides to take the count-out loss in 7:24.  Kane is pissed.  Best match on the show so far, and it wasn’t good either.

Tonight, Orton vs. Edge in a one armed match.

Who will John Cena face tonight?  Jack Swagger, Rey Mysterio, or CM Punk?

Miami.

Wade Barrett hype video.

Savannah interviews Wade Barrett.

Ted Dibiase Jr. bitches to Virgil.  Sharlto Copley and Quinton Jackson come in and accuse him of stealing the crown.  Another retarded segment.  Irwin R. Schyster comes in.  He repo’d the crown because Lawler owed back taxes.  There’s a “gas attack” and Copley passes out.  FUCKING RETARDED.

R-Truth and The Miz are headed out for a tag match.  R-Truth’s partner can be Christian, MVP, or John Morrison.  Miz’s partner can be Dolph Ziggler, William Regal, or Zack Ryder.

WWE Classics on Demand plug.

WWE United States Champion R-Truth makes his entrance.  His partner is… John Morrison.  Black Magic and the White Shadow reunite!

Lawler votes for William Regal to be Miz’s partner.  So did I.  Miz comes out and cuts a promo.  His partner is… Zack Ryder.  Really?

WWE United States Champion R-Truth & John Morrison vs. The Miz & Zack Ryder.  Miz and Truth start.  Miz does his jumping around, then tags in Morrison.  They hit a double hip toss.  Morrison nips up and tags Truth immediately back in.  They hit a double suplex.  Miz boots R-Truth in the face and tags in Ryder.  Ryder hits a neckbreaker on Truth, then tags in Miz.  Lots of quick tags.  Miz beats up Truth for a bit.  Morrison tags in and runs wild.  Morrison knees Miz in the face for 2, as Ryder saves.  R-Truth and Ryder are sent outside.  Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale on Morrison for the pin in 3:21.  It was okay, but rushed.

Edge bitches to Bret Hart backstage.  Hart encounters Kane, who of course, accuses him of turning Undertaker into a head of lettuce.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

One Arm Match: Edge vs. Randy Orton.  Orton’s arm is in a sling and Edge has an arm tied behind his back.  Orton ducks a clothesline, side steps a boot, and clotheslines Edge.  Orton does the Garvin Stomp.  Orton humps the mat and goes for the RKO.  Edge avoids it and hits a shoulder block.  Edge unties his arm and attacks Orton.  The ref tries to pull him back, then DQs  Edge in 1:35.  Edge goes for the spear, but Orton kicks him in the head, then kicks him out of the ring.  Orton follows Edge outside.  Edge attacks Orton’s arm with a chair.  I don’t think this stupid shit they keep having Orton do is going to be good for his shoulder.  This whole thing was stupid.

Cole and Lawler recap this shitty show, of which there is unfortunately still another hour.  They show “highlights” just to kill time.

John Cena will face either Jack Swagger, Rey Mysterio, or CM Punk, but voting isn’t until later.  Ugh.

NXT season 2 starts tomorrow.  Joy.

Miami.

Earlier tonight, this show sucked.  It still sucks.  Also, Edge vs. Randy Orton happened.

John Cena and Evan Bourne chat backstage.  Bourne leaves and Savannah interviews Cena.

The stupid A-Team guy wakes up.  Mean Gene Okerlund interviews him.  He’s still in character and things Gene is the old guy character.  Josh Matthews is there too.  This was fucking retarded, just like everything on this fucking show.

Drew McIntyre comes out.  Teddy Long introduces the candidates for his opponent: Yoshi Tatsu, Goldust, and a mystery opponent who is obviously Matt Hardy.  I want to see McIntyre vs. Rampage.

Striker reveals McIntyre’s opponent…. the mystery man (with 88%).  It’s Matt Hardy, to the shock of absolutely nobody.

McIntyre says the match isn’t happening because Hardy is suspended.  Teddy Long says Hardy is suspended from Smackdown, not Raw.  I love loopholes.

Drew McIntyre vs. Matt Hardy.  Hardy kicks McIntyre’s ass.  The referees celebrate them.  Hardy clotheslines McIntyre out of the ring and kicks his ass out there.  Back inside, McIntyre drops Hardy with a big boot.  Hardy avoids McIntyre in the corner and McIntyre spears the post.  Hardy hits the Twist of Fate for the pin in 1:26, then bashes McIntyre’s head against the mat.  The referee tries to separate them.  McIntyre finally manages to run away, getting some of his hair pulled out in the process.

Rampage Jackson is handcuffed to a chair backstage.  Dibiase, Virgil, and IRS are holding him captive.  They’re gonna take him to the ring and answer something.  Ugh.  This shit is retarded.

Ted Dibiase Jr., Virgil, and King Irwin R. Schyster have Rampage Jackson handcuffed to the top rope.  Dibiase says even he has a price.  Somebody hired him to capture his character from the A-Team.  It’s “Rowdy” Roddy Piper!  That’s hilarious.  Piper is still holding a grudge. He cuts a typically great Piper promo on Rampage.  The A-Team music plays.  Dusty Rhodes, Gene Okerlund, and Sharlto Copley come out in a golf cart.  Rampage breaks free and hits a spinebuster on Dibiase.  Rhodes hits the Bionic Elbow on IRS.  Piper shoves Virgil into Rampage to get chokeslammed.  Mean Gene interviews the A-Team and Dusty.  Also, they finally recover Lawler’s crown.  At least this segment was funny.  First time in a while one of these stupid guest host segments was funny.

Voting for the Cena match is open now.

Next week the guest host is the guy from Royal Pains.

Cole and Lawler say it’s been a fantastic show.  This is a lie.  Lawler votes for Mysterio to face Cena.  So did I.

Josh Matthews interviews the choices: Rey Mysterio Jr., World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger, and CM Punk (w/ The Straight Edge Society).

WWE Champion John Cena comes out.  Striker reveals his opponent, CM Punk.

Non-Title: WWE Champion John Cena vs. CM Punk (w/ Luke Gallows & Serena).  Cena goes for the mask and Punk bails.  Cena schools Punk some more.  They do some nice counter wrestling.  Cena goes for the mask again and Punk bails again.  Back inside, Punk lands some knees and attacks Cena’s mid-section.  Sweet dropkick to the back of the head gets 2.  Punk applies a figure-four head scissors.  Cena tries to make a comeback, but Gallows trips him.  Commercials.  Cena escapes a hold and goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Punk hits a DDT for 2.  Punk throws Cena out of the ring.  Serena gets her cheap shot in.  Back inside, Punk lands some kicks on Cena.  Cena makes his comeback.  When he goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, Wade Barrett comes out to distract him.  He hits it anyway, then goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but gets distracted by Barrett approaching the ring.  The rest of the NXT season 1 guys (Heath Slater, Michael Tarver, David Otunga, Skip Sheffield, Daniel Bryan, Justin Gabriel, and Darren Young) come through the crowd and beat the hell out of the Straight Edge Society, then get in the ring.  Otunga decks the referee.  Cena goes on the attack, but it’s 8 on 1, so he gets destroyed.  The rookies attack Striker and the announcers and demolish the ringside area.  The bell finally rings at 11:58.  I assume it’s a no-contest.  The rookies beat up all of the ringside personnel.  The rookies start tearing the ring apart.  Cena tries to fight back, but gets beaten down again.  The NXT guys take turns hitting moves on him.  They beat the hell out of Punk some more.  Sheffield clotheslines Cena.  Danielson screams “You are not better than me!” at Cena.  Danielson tropes Cena with a kick.  Barrett hits his shitty finish on Cena.  Gabriel hits the 450 splash.  The NXT guys finally leave, having completely devastated the ring and surrounding area.  Doctors check on Cena.  EMTs come out to stretcher Cena out.  Nobody seems concerned with the dead announcers and such.

This show was the absolute drizzling shits up until the main event, which was a good match.  The ending angle was interesting, and I’m very curious about where this is going.

WWE Monday Night Raw 3/29/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 29, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open, followed by highlights of the Undertaker/Shawn Michaels match from last night’s WrestleMania.

Raw open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are the announcers.  Tonight is Shawn Michaels’ farewell.

Batista comes out and cuts a promo.  Cena beating him was a fluke, nobody will remember WrestleMania (WTF?), etc. etc.  Crowd chants “YOU TAPPED OUT!”  He did.  Batista wants his rematch.  He says Cena can’t beat him, despite the fact that Cena beat him clean as a sheet last night.  The NEW WWE Champion John Cena comes out.  Cena says he beat Batista at WrestleMania.  He did.  Crowd chants “CENA SUCKS!”  He makes fun of Batista for tapping out, then offers Batista his rematch TONIGHT!  Cena says Batista will bitch out and refuse the match tonight.  Batista bitches out and refuses the match tonight.  They brawl for a second, then Batista bails.  Jack Swagger ambushes Cena with the briefcase and says he’s cashing in Money In The Bank!  Cena comes back to life and goes for for the STF.  Swagger bails, changes his mind, grabs the briefcase, and leaves.

Shawn Michaels moment: The Rockers make their WWF debut against the Rougeau Brothers.

Slam of the Week: The Orton/Dibiase/Rhodes match from last night.

A whole bunch of legends come out!  Ted Dibiase, Nick Bockwinkel, Pat Patterson, Irwin R. Schyster, and Arn Anderson!  Roddy Piper, Sergeant Slaughter, Tony Garea, and Ricky Steamboat follow!  Jerry Lawler joins them around the ring.  Justin Roberts introduces tonight’s guest hosts, Clark Duke and Rob Corddry from Hot Tub Time Machine.  Ah, I get it.  They announce Batista & Swagger vs. Cena & a partner of his choice, and a hot tub match with Duke & Corddry vs. The Divas.  The legends are around the ring for a Legends Lumberjack Match.

Legends Lumberjack Match: Christian vs. Ted Dibiase Jr.  JIP.  Christian hits his diving sunset flip for 2.  They slap each other.  Christian throws Dibiase out of the ring and the lumberjacks throw him back in.  Dibiase counters Christian’s tornado DDT and lands a kick to the face for 2.  Dibiase clamps on a rear chin lock.  Christian escapes and hits a missile dropkick for 2.  Dibiase goes for the Dream Street, but Christian counters.  Christian hits his corner kick and the diving European uppercut, then goes for the Killswitch.  Dibiase counters and clotheslines him, taking them both of the ring.  The lumberjacks throw them in, then start brawling amongst themselves.  Christian hits the Killswitch for the pin (about 3 minutes shown).  This was fun.  Dibiase Sr. comes in the ring to help his son up.  Dibiase Jr. shoves him and leaves.  Major boos for that.

Shawn Michaels moment: Throwing Marty Jannetty through the Barber Shop window.  Michaels’ farewell is TONIGHT!

Triple H is headed our way!

Plugs for the shitty Mania theme song and WWE.com.

WrestleMania Week highlights.

Clark Duke and Rob Corddry are backstage talking.  Santino Marella randomly walks by, says something, and leaves.  Duke and Corddry get in a hot tub with the very hot Bella Twins, the very hot Rosa Mendez, and the very hot Tiffany.  They agree to give whoever can stay in the longest a future Divas Championship match.  They drink champagne.  Whatever.

Triple H comes out to the stage and cuts an emotional promo about his friend, Shawn Michaels.  He says he has something to say to Shawn that he’s never said before.  Sheamus clobbers Triple H from behind with a lead pipe and we don’t get to hear Hunter profess his homosexual love for Michaels.

Moments ago, ^ happened.

Beth Phoenix, Mickie James, Gail Kim, Kelly Kelly, & Eve Torres vs. WWE Women’s Champion Michelle McCool, WWE Divas Champion Maryse, Vickie Guerrero, Alicia Fox, & Layla.  Great, have a rematch of the worst match on the show.  Eve and Maryse yell at each other.  Maryse poses and looks FINE.  Eve schoolgirls her for the pin in 21 seconds.  Vickie yells at the faces.  They take her jacket off an she bails.  The heels jump the faces, but the faces clean house.  Quick and painless.  All divas matches should be this long.

Shawn Michaels moment: The Ladder Match with Razor Ramon at WrestleMania X.

Tonight, Cena/X vs. Batista/Swagger!

Bret Hart is headed our way!

Shawn Michaels moment: The Iron Man Match with Bret at WrestleMania XII.

Bret Hart comes out.  He puts over Shawn Michaels and wishes him the best in his future endeavors.  He talks some more.  He has an awesome shirt on that has a photo of him and Owen wrestling.  He thanks the fans.  The Unified Tag Team Champions The Big Show & The Miz come out.  Miz insults Bret and puts himself over.  He’s the Tag champion and the United States Champion, people should be talking about him, etc.  He says he’s 1-0 at Mania, only 17 wins away from tying Undertaker’s streak.  Everybody laughs.  He calls Bret and his family overrated.  Bret challenges them to make him leave.  The Hart Dynasty come out to back up Bret.  Miz Show bail.  Bret challenges them to come back and wrestle the Hart Dynasty.  Miz is ready to go, but has to talk Show into it.  Commercials!

WrestleMania!

Non-Title: Unified WWE Tag Team Champions The Big Show & WWE United States Champion The Miz vs. The Hart Dynasty (w/ Bret Hart & Natalya).  JIP.  Smith hits the stall suplex on Miz.  Miz catches Smith with a kick, then gets clotheslined out of the ring.  Smith backdrops Kidd out of the ring to wipe out Miz.  Kidd chases Miz around the ring.  Show tags in.  Kidd goes right after him, but is overcome.  Show Miz get heat on Kidd.  Smith gets the hot tag and runs wild on Miz.  Springboard Hart Attack on Miz.  Kidd locks Miz in the Sharpshooter.  Show yells at Miz for not listening to him, then pulls Miz out of the ring.  Show Miz leave and get counted out (about 4 minutes shown).  It was good for what it was.  I hope this leads to the Harts getting a title shot.

Shawn Michaels moment: DX.

WWE Rewind: Money In The Bank Ladder Match from last night.

The hosts and the divas are still in the hot tub.  The divas look bored.  Tiffany and Rosa get creeped out and leave.  Their co-star Craig Robinson appears on the TV and tells the Bellas they win, then sends Mark Henry to get in the tub with them.  In a speedo.  Gross.  Hornswoggle is snorkeling in the tub.  At least the chicks were hot.

Earlier tonight, Sheamus killed Triple H with a lead pipe.

Jack Swagger comes out and cuts a promo about his briefcase.  The main event is next, I assume.

Batista & Jack Swagger vs. WWE Champion John Cena & Randy Orton.  So I guess Orton is officially babyface now.  Cena and Swagger lock up.  Cena hits the Fisherman’s suplex, then tags in Orton.  Orton does the Garvin Stomp to Swagger.  VINTAGE ORTON!  Orton humps the mat.  Swagger bails.  Commercials.  The bad guys get the heat on Cena.  Swagger hits the springboard Vader Bomb for 2.  Batista hits the spinebuster and goes for the Batista Bomb, but Cena backdrops his way free and makes the hot tag.  Swagger tags in as well.  Orton runs wild on him.  Orton hits the powerslam and then the 3.0.  Cover, but Batista saves.  Batista spears Cena.  Orton RKOs Batista, then RKOs Swagger for the pin in 8:05.  Fine match.  Orton celebrates.

Shawn Michaels moment: Michaels vs. Undertaker at WrestleMania XXV.  Shawn’s farewell is next.

Tomorrow night on NXT, the results of the first Pros Poll!

Justin Roberts introduces Shawn Michaels.  Before Michaels can speak, The Undertaker comes out to the stage, tips his hat to Michaels, and leaves.  Shawn says he doesn’t know what to say.  Crowd chants “PLEASE DON’T GO!”  Shawn talks about his career.  They show and old lady crying.  Crowd chants “THANK YOU SHAWN!”  Shawn talks for a bit more.  He says he’s reluctant to thank people for fear of forgetting someone, but he does thank Triple H for being his friend.  He puts over the cameramen, production crew, announcers, and Adam the video package guy.  The crowd ridiculously chants “ONE MORE MATCH!”  Shawn says he knows how people feel about career ending matches, and he doesn’t want to go back on his word.  He thanks Bret Hart and says he drove Bret crazy in the  90s and that Bret had every right to say everything he’s ever said about Shawn.  He thanks Bret for forgiving him, etc. etc.  He puts over Vince McMahon and thanks the fans, then puts over Jesus.  Can’t go wrong there.  He says to his wife and kids “Daddy’s comin’ home.”  He finishes by saying “‘The Heartbreak Kid’ Shawn Michaels has left the building.  I apologize for the shitty job I did of recapping this segment.  When he makes it to the top of the ramp. Triple H appears and they do all but make out.  Fin.

Fun show.  Nothing outstanding, but definitely worth watching.