Archive for Immortal

TNA iMPACT! 1/6/11

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 5, 2011 by Grappleholic

Video package of recent goings on.

“Genesis… The Beginning… Or the End?”

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Immortal come to the ring: Eric Bischoff, Ric Flair, AJ Styles, Beer Money, Kazarian, Rob Terry, Abyss, Jeff Jarrett, Gunner, and Murphy.  Bischoff blathers about how Immortal are going to win all the titles fair and square.  He brings out the champions: TNA X Division Champion Jay Lethal, TNA World Tag Team Champions The Motor City Machine Guns, and TNA World Television Champion Doug Williams.  He books them in “tune up matches” tonight: Lethal vs. Abyss, Williams vs. Terry, and the Guns vs. Styles & Kazarian.  Bischoff asks them to shake hands.  Immortal jump the champions.  Bischoff pretends to be mad at them.  Rob Van Dam comes out and makes the save.  By himself.  He’s pissed off and wants a shot at Jeff Hardy.  He wants to know who his opponent is at Genesis.  Bischoff won’t tell him.  What a dick!  RVD offers to beat it out of him.  Bischoff says Abyss will “kill” RVD.

Brother Ray cuts a promo to the camera at Brother Devon.  He wants to fight in the parking lot or something.  Commercials!

Jeff Jarrett: MMA Specialist video package.

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Jeff Jarrett comes out with Gunner, Murphy, and his other geeks.  He’s now changed into his gear, even though he was in street clothes 4 minutes ago.  He talks about the new rules he made last week to protect him from getting his ass kicked.  There’s some Twilight queer in the crowd.  Boo Boo Stewart?  Jarrett won’t fight him because he will be taller than him one day.  They pick a guy who looks like a midget Tyler Black.  His name is Jonathan Cruz.  He signs the contract.  He’s an idiot.

MMA Exhibition: Jeff Jarrett (w/ Gunner, Murphy, & geeks) vs. Jonathan Cruz.  Jarrett beats up the geek and wins with the ankle lock in 45 seconds.  Jarrett refuses to break the hold.  KURT ANGLE comes in through the crowd and chases Jarrett away.  Angle signs the contract to face Jarrett at Genesis!  Jarrett says Angle swore to never wrestle in TNA again.  Angle says it’s an exhibition.  It’s ON!  Commercials!

Moments ago, ^ happened!

Non-Title: AJ Styles & Kazarian vs. TNA World Tag Team Champions The Motor City Machine Guns.  Guns attack, clear the ring, and hit Styles and Kazarian with a double suicide dive.  Guns double team Styles back inside.  The heels cut off Sabin and work him over.  Sabin plays face in peril, then rallies and drops Kazarian with a lariat.  Shelley and Styles tag in.  Shelley runs wild and avoids being double teamed.  He takes Kazarian out with a dive.  Back inside, Styles and Shelley do an awesome countering sequence.  Shelley hits a brainbuster.  Kazarian saves.  Shelley back body drops him to the floor.  Styles tries to hit Shelley with the belt.  Shelley ducks.  Sabin superkicks Styles.  Shelley hits the Shiranui on Styles for the pin in 4:47.  Good little match.  Beer Money appear and beat down the Guns.  Eric Bischoff comes out and looks pissed off at Styles.

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero bitches about how someone has been following him around with a camera.  He says he’s going to find them and demand an apology.  Yeah, kick that TNA camera man’s ass!  Commercials.

Eric Bischoff at Ric Flair bitch at AJ Styles in the office.  Bischoff tells him to get the job done this Sunday or else!

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero is in the ring.  He calls out whoever is video taping him.  Samoa Joe comes out.  Is Joe a paparazzi now?  Joe spouts off some philosophical stuff about Pope being a false prophet or something.  He talks about how Pope pretends to be doing good deeds, but he’s actually a dick.  Pope defends his going to strip clubs and adopting puppies.  He warns Joe against falsely accusing him again.  This is stupid.

Mickie James & Velvet Sky are headed our way!  Commercials!

Brother Devon says he’ll go fight Ray in the parking lot tonight.

TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne & Sarita (w/ Tara) vs. Mickie James & Velvet Sky.  Velvet attacks Sarita.  Velvet tries, but everything she does looks horrible.  Velvet gets cut off via heel chicanery and plays face in peril.  This goes on for some time and is very uninteresting.  Velvet makes a comeback, but Madison cuts her off.  Mickie comes in and kicks Madison’s ass.  As the referee tries to regain control, Tara hits Velvet with the elbow brace.  Sarita pins Velvet in 4:34.  This sucked.

RVD bitches at Eric Bischoff in the office.  Bischoff says he has a match tonight.  Against another mystery opponent.  Commercials.

Non-Title: Rob Terry vs. TNA World Television Champion Douglas Williams.  Williams smoothly eludes the larger Terry.  Terry finally connects with a shoulder block that sends Williams to the floor.  AJ Styles attacks Williams to cause the DQ in 1:10.  Lame.  Styles and Terry injure Williams’ hand.

Brother Ray is going to the parking lot.  Commercials.

Brother Ray and Brother Ray are in the parking lot now.  Ray hides behind security and talks shit.  Of course, this goes on way too long.  Bubba finally attacks Devon while security is holding him back.  He warns Devon against showing up at Genesis.

Jeff Jarrett tells Eric Bischoff that he has a plan for Sunday.  Bischoff asks Jarrett to shoot RVD.  Jarrett is worried about Kurt Angle interfering.  Bischoff makes him feel better by making it No DQ.  Huh?

Non-Title: Abyss vs. TNA X Division Champion Jay Lethal.  Entrances, commercials, bell.  At least they waited for me.  Lethal tries to take down Abyss and fails miserably.  Abyss tries to throw Lethal around and succeeds magnificently.  Lethal uses his speed to try to gain the upperhand.  He kicks Abyss in the leg and lands a dropkick.  Abyss tries to chokeslam him.  Lethal hits a handspring elbow.  He finally knocks Abyss down with a missile dropkick for 2.  Abyss catches Lethal with the Black Hole Slam.  Cover, but Abyss pulls Lethal up at 2.  Abyss beats on Lethal in the corner.  The ref DQs him in 3:27.  Lame.  Abyss shoves down the referee.  Continuing tonight’s trend, Kazarian comes down.  He pretends to beg Abyss to stop beating up Lethal.  He taunts Lethal, asking him to stand up.  Abyss holds Lethal up and forces him to shake Kazarian’s hand.

Up next, Mike Tenay’s sit down interview with Matt Morgan and Mr. Anderson!  Commercials.

Genesis hype.

Mike Tenay’s sit down interview with Matt Morgan and Mr. Anderson.  Same ol’ shit.

RVD vs. Jeff Jarrett is NEXT!  Commercials!

No DQ Match: Jeff Jarrett (w/ Gunner, Murphy, & geeks) vs. Rob Van Dam.  To the best of my knowledge, this is the first time these two have ever wrestled.  Tenay says it’s true, which means I’m probably wrong.  Jarrett runs around in circles like a geek.  RVD and the referee both insist that some contact be made.  Jarrett throws a kick.  RVD catches it and drops Jarrett with his “kick over the kick” move and does the “Rob Van Dam” thumb point.  Jarrett pokes RVD in the eye.  RVD drops him with another kick.  RVD beats up Jarrett in the corner.  RVD hits a springboard kick and goes for the Rolling Thunder.  Jarrett bails and runs around the ring.  RVD decks Jarrett again.  Murphy trips RVD, allowing Jarrett to get the advantage.  Jarrett applies a sleeper hold.  RVD escapes and makes his comeback.  One of the geeks runs in.  RVD throws him out of the ring and brings in a chair.  Other geeks run in.  RVD kicks their asses.  Gunner and Murphy beat down RVD and hold him for Jarrett.  Jarrett tells them to let him go.  RVD drops all of them with kicks.  TNA World Heavyweight Champion Jeff Hardy appears and gives RVD the Twist of Hate.  Jarrett gets the pin in 5:26.  Lame and overbooked.  Jarrett and Hardy beat down RVD.  Matt Morgan runs in to make the save.  Hardy tries to hit him with a chair.  Mr. Anderson appears, grabs the chair, and accidentally hits Morgan.  Oh noes!  Was it REALLY an accident?

As crappy as this show was, they’ve done WAY worse.

TNA iMPACT! 12/23/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 27, 2010 by Grappleholic

Video package of recent happenings.

“All The Gold Is Worth A Fortune”

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Immortal come out.  There are scales in the ring because they’re doing a stupid weigh in for the Morgan/Anderson PPV match.  Flair introduces new member Rob Terry.  Bischoff babbles.  They have “doctors” there.  Matt Morgan comes out and talks about how stupid this shit is.  He threatens to stick a boot up someone’s ass.  Mick Foley comes out and talks about concussions.  Flair bitches at Foley for causing backyard garbage wrestling to exist.  The Flair/Foley promo battle is fucking great.  Bischoff screams some retarded bile at Foley.  That is NOT great.  The Flair/Foley stuff was great.  Everything else about this was dumb.

iMPACT! open.

Tonight, AJ Styles vs. Doug Williams in an Iron Match!  Finals of the Knockouts Tag Team Title Tournament!  A retarded eight-man tag for the tag team championship!  Up next, a Double J Double M A challenge!  Commercials.

Matt Morgan and Jeff Hardy chat in the locker room.  Apparently Morgan’s rank is such that he doesn’t have to dress in a trailer.

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Jeff Jarrett comes out with Gunner, Murphy, and his other geeks.  Jarrett challenges Amazing Red.  Jarrett’s cut man puts Vaseline in Red’s eyes.

$100,000 MMA Challenge: Jeff Jarrett (w/ Gunner, Murphy, & geeks) vs. Amazing Red.  Jarrett kicks Red’s ass and submits him with an ankle lock in 49 seconds.  Jarrett helps Red up and asks he has any kids in his family that Jarrett can beat up.  Red says he’ll bring his little brother next week.

Madison Rayne and Tara are getting ready in their trailer.

Still to come, some bullshit!  Commercials.

Rob Van Dam talks to no one in particular backstage.

Four-Way Match to determine the #1 Contender for the TNA X Division Championship: Max Buck vs. Jeremy Buck vs. Robbie E. (w/ Cookie) vs. Kazarian.  TNA X Division Champion Jay Lethal comes out to do commentary.  They show Lethal winning the title back from the Shore tard last week.  It’s tag team rules.  Kazarian convinces the Bucks to start against each other.  They just pose instead.  Robbie does that gay retarded jerking off motion.  The Bucks tag him in and kick his ass.  Cookie trips Max so the Jersey Fagtard can get the advantage.  Kazarian stays on the apron except for when he comes in to make the save on every cover.  Bucks beat up Robbie some more.  The video gets weird, either through broadcasting problems or shitty camera work.  Kazarian tags in and hits the Axe Guillotine Driver on Jeremy Buck for the pin in 3:35.  Whatever.

Velvet Sky is looking in the mirror.  Sarita walks into the room.  Commercials.

During the break, Sarita and Velvet Sky brawled backstage for about 6 hours.  Sarita leaves her lying.  Angelina Love finds Velvet, who says she can’t breathe.

Eric Bischoff gives Immortal the usual lecture about belts.

Tonight, eight-man tag for the 2 man tag belts, because that’s TNA!  Next, the women have a shitty match!  Commercials.

Brian Kendrick lectures the caterers.  A woman gives him a cookie to make him go away.

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship Tournament – Final: TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne & Tara vs. Angelina Love.  Angelina is forced to go it alone.  She schools Madison early.  It’s horrible.  Love hits a neckbreaker for 2.  Tara interferes from the apron, allowing Rayne to get the advantage.  Love gets beaten up for a while.  Winter comes out and gets in the corner.  Love makes the hot tag to her.  Winter shakes Ryane’s head around, then kicks Tara in the gut.  Winter hits a crappy spinning slam on Rayne for the pin in 4:51.  Love & Winter win the titles.  This sucked.  Love is confused, even though she gave Winter the hot tag.  Tara doesn’t know who Winter is, so she doesn’t watch this show and didn’t watch WWE for a few years while she was with the company.  Commercials.

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero is outside talking on the phone.  Eric Young and Orlando Jordan walk up.  Young is a reindeer and Orlando Jordan is dressed as gay Santa.  They give Pope money.

Iron Man Match for the TNA World Television Championship: Douglas Williams (c) vs. AJ Styles.  It’s a 15 minute Iron Man Match.  That’s stupid.  They exchange holds, which is always a good way to start.  Styles finally backs Williams into the corner and cheap shots him with an elbow to the face.  Williams rallies and hits a running knee to the corner.  Commercials.  Styles has Williams in a rear chin lock.  OF COURSE, since this is TNA, there was a fall during the break, as Styles got the pin with the Styles Clash.  Williams lands a European uppercut.  Styles bails.  After fucking about for a bit, Styles pulls Williams out of the ring and rams his head into the steps.  Styles goes into the ring and orders Hebner to count.  Williams immediately comes back in.  Styles works Williams over.  Williams goes for a sunset flip.  Styles holds onto the ropes.  Hebner kicks his hands away like a dick and an interfering referee.  Williams gets some cradles for 2 counts.  Styles lands a forearm smash.  He goes for a springboard, but Williams catches him and hits an Exploder.  Williams makes his comeback.  Styles throws Williams out of the ring.  Williams comes back in and hits the Chaos Theory for the pin in 14:45.  The time limit expires in 15:09.  They agree to 5 more minutes.  Commercials.  The fuck?  OT is JIP.  Williams hits a DDT for 2.  Styles hit the springboard forearm for 2.  Williams hits an Alabama Slam for 2.  Styles hits the Pele kick for 2.  Williams goes for a backdrop suplex off the top rope, but Styles holds on to the Christmas bow around the post.  Williams hits it anyway.  The time limit expires after about 4 minutes.  Styles challenges Williams to a match at Genesis.  Williams says no.  They argue.  Williams says he’ll do it if Styles agrees to leave Fortune if he loses.  Styles refuses.  Eric Bischoff comes out and makes the match with the aforementioned stipulation.  Williams and Styles had a very good match.  This wasn’t it, but they have had one.

Beer Money hype up their team backstage.

Up next, they’ll call Mr. Anderson on the phone!  Commercials.

House shows!

Tenay and Taz talk to Mr. Anderson via satellite.  So Anderson is in “his home in Green Bay, Wisconsin,” but they expected him to come out for a fucking weigh in earlier?  This damn company is so fucking retarded.  Fuck this fucking company.  Anderson gets mad when they ask him for paper work.

The Motor City Machine Guns and Rob Van Dam are hyped up for their match.  Matt Morgan is mad about what Anderson said.

Stupid eight-man thing is next.  Commercials.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match: TNA World Heavyweight Champion Jeff Hardy, Beer Money, & Abyss vs. The Motor City Machine Guns (c), Rob Van Dam, & Matt Morgan.  Entrances, commercials.  Match is JIP.  RVD lands some kicks on Storm.  Morgan and Roode tag in.  Morgan does the revolving elbows in the corner.  Roode comes off the top rope, but gets caught.  Morgan gives him a fall away slam.  Sabin tags in and kicks Roode in the gut.  Roode gets a reverse cradle, but Shelley tags in in the process.  Guns double team Roode.  Roode counters the Shiranui.  Storm pulls Shelley into the turnbuckles.  Roode hits a neckbreaker.  The heels take turns working over Shelley for a while.  Beer Money hit the double suplex and do the “BEER!”  “MONEY!” thing.  Shelley knocks down Storm.  Hardy tags in and cuts him off.  Hardy clamps on a rear chin lock.  The show ends.

This was just a meaningless, lame duck show full of TNA bullshit.

TNA iMPACT! 12/9/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2010 by Grappleholic

Video package of recent goings on.

“Immortal Ups The Ante”

Earlier Today: Eric Bischoff bitches at Immortal in the office.  Present are Ric Flair, AJ Styles, Kazarian, Beer Money, Gunner & Murphy, Jeff Jarrett, and Abyss.  Bischoff demands that they win championships.  He bitches at Styles for losing the TV title at the PPV.  Rhino comes in asking for his new contract.  Bischoff writes “NO!” on a sheet of paper.  Poor Rhino.  He goes after Bischoff, but is jumped by Immortal.

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

The aforementioned members of Immortal come out to the ring.  Bischoff introduces TNA World Heavyweight Champion Jeff Hardy, who comes out to his awful music, carrying his disgustingly ugly belt.  The crowd hates on this shit.  Bischoff gets butt hurt.  He puts over Matt Morgan and asks for him to come out.  Morgan does indeed come out, carrying a lead pipe for backup.  Bischoff promises fair play and kisses Morgan’s ass some more.  He blames Mr. Anderson’s refereeing for Morgan losing the match.  Bischoff books Morgan vs. Anderson in a #1 Contender Match.  Morgan says Anderson still isn’t cleared to wrestle.  Bischoff doesn’t care.  He says if Anderson doesn’t wrestle, he’s gone.

Ken Anderson is watching TV backstage!

iMPACT! open.  15 minutes into the show.

Tonight, Tara performs music.  Jeff Jarrett issues an open MMA challenge.  Doug Williams defends the TV title against Abyss.

Brother Ray cuts a promo to no one in particular backstage.  He has a fake Devon.

They show Taylor Wilde & Hamada beating Velvet Sky & Lacey Von Erich for the TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship months ago, then announce that the titles have been vacated because Hamada couldn’t make it into the country.  What really happened is they released her without having her come in to drop the belts, because they’re retarded.  Tonight, a tournament for the vacant title begins, with Sarita & Daffney (random) against the Beautiful People.

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

The New Team 3D(?) vs. Ink Inc.  “3D” jump Ink Inc. before the bell.  It settles down into Bubba beating up Moore.  “Devon” tags in and continues beating up Moore.  “Devon” hits an elbow smash for 2.  Bubba tags in.  Moore tries a sunset flip.  Bubba tries to sit on him, but Moore avoids certain death.  “Devon” tags in, slams Moore, and goes for a headbutt, per Bubba’s instructions.  Moore avoids it and makes the hot tag to Neal.  Neal runs wild on the fake Devon and decks Bubba for good measure.  Neal hits a face plant thing for 2.  Moore hits a leg drop.  Neal covers, but Bubba saves.  Clusterfuck ensues.  “3D” hit the WASSUP headbutt on Neal.  Bubba tells “Devon” to get the tables.  Why do they do that in standard matches when they would be DQ’d?  They set up a table.  Ink Inc. make their comeback and hit the TKO/blockbuster on “Devon.”  Neal gets the pin in 4:40.  Pointless crap.  Bubba attacks “Devon” and set up a powerbomb through the table.  The real Brother Devon runs out to make the save.  Bubba runs away and hides behind So Cal Val again.

Tara sings horribly backstage.  She wants Generation Me to take their shirts off and be her backup dancers.

Matt Morgan asks Christy Hemme where Mr. Anderson is.  She doesn’t know.  Of course.

Tara lip syncs her entrance music while Generation Me dance like gay strippers who don’t know how to dance.  Tara dances like a tard to add to the hilarity.  Mickie James finally appears and attacks her.  GenMe hold her to Tara can hit her.  Eric Young makes the save and runs GenMe off.  Mickie and Tara roll down the ramp.  The music is still playing.  Security geeks  break them up with much difficulty.  Mickie challenges Tara to a Steel Cage Match TONIGHT!  Tara agrees.  Then they try to fight again through the security geeks.  Ugh.

Beer Money give Gunner & Murphy a pep talk backstage.  Roode gives Storm money to buy beer.

Tonight, Williams vs. Abyss!  Next, Gunner & Murphy against the Machine Guns!

Jeff Jarrett talks to no one in particular backstage.

Non-Title: Gunner & Murphy vs. TNA World Tag Team Champions The Motor City Machine Guns.  Beer Money come out to do commentary.  Gunner and Murphy jump the Guns from behind.  They get the heat on Shelley.  Sabin gets the hot tag and runs wild.  The Guns go for the Skull & Bones on Murphy.  Gunner hits Sabin with a nightstick to cause the DQ in 3:39.  The Guns beat the shit out of Gunner & Murphy with their own nightsticks.

The Beautiful People are doing their makeup.  Of course.  Winter comes in to wish Angelina good luck.  Velvet doesn’t know who she is, because she apparently never watches the TV show.

Sarita & Daffney are headed our way!

Matt Morgan and Mr. Anderson chat backstage.  Anderson says he’s going to wrestle.  They argue about concussions.  It goes on for way too long.

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship Tournament – Semifinal: Sarita & Daffney vs. The Beautiful People.  Sarita cuts a promo on Velvet before the match.  Velvet spears her to start the match, then does that head push into the mat crap.  Velvet gets a schoolgirl for 2.  Velvet hits a face plant for 2.  Velvet applies a Fujiwara armbar of all things.  Daffney distracts Velvet, allowing Sarita to gain the advantage and talk shit.  Daffney tags in and hits a delayed body slam, then steps on Velvet’s face.  Cover gets 2.  Sarita tags in and taunts Velvet some more.  Velvet fights back.  Double clothesline spot.  Tags to Angelina and Daffney.  Angelina runs wild and hits the Flatliner for the pin in 3:23.  This sucked.  Sarita talks more about Velvet being unable to beat her.  She’s a horrible promo and her dance is obnoxious.

Some dudes carry a casket around backstage.

Tara/Mickie James video package.  Tonight, they meet in a cage!

Highlights of the Abyss/Pope Casket match at Final Resolution.

The “some dudes” I mentioned earlier carry out a casket.  The casket opens and music plays.  A church choir comes out and dances around the casket.  The Pope speaks from somewhere.  He says he’s had a spiritual awakening.  He babbles about Christmas trees and begs for donations, because he’s pimpin’.  The dancing choir leaves.

AJ Styles gives Abyss a pep talk backstage.

Tonight, Mickie vs. Tara in a cage!  Next, Abyss vs. Williams!

House shows.

Footage from TNA’s visit to Abu Dhabi.

Mickie James talks to no one in particular backstage.  You can hear Eric Bischoff ranting in the background.  I’m pretty sure it’s his opening promo.  So Mickie was cutting a promo about this match before it was booked.  Keep that great continuity going, TNA.

TNA World Television Championship Match: Doug Williams (c) vs. Abyss.  They lock up.  Abyss shoves Williams away.  Repeat.  Williams tries to whip Abyss, but fails.  Williams lands a dropkick and some punches in the corner.  Williams applies a cravat.  He lets it go like an idiot and charges into a big boot.  Abyss frightens the referee out of the ring and beats on Williams.  Abyss cranks Williams’ neck.  The referee is back in now.  Williams tries a sunset flip, then avoids getting squashed.  Exactly the same spot somebody did in an earlier match.  Williams makes his comeback and hits a diving European uppercut for 2.  Williams goes for the Chaos Theory.  Abyss rips off a turnbuckle pad to avoid it.  Abyss back body drops Williams and charges the corner.  Williams avoids it and Abyss hits the exposed turnbuckle.  Williams gets a schoolboy for the pin in 3:40.  I thought the finish was kind of neat.  AJ Styles jumps Williams from behind and gives him the Styles Clash on the ramp.  How dastardly!

Jeff Jarrett is headed our way!

Tara talks to no one in particular backstage.  Generation Me say they want Eric Young & Orlando Jordan next week.  I dread that.

Jeff Jarrett comes out to cut a promo and gets butt hurt by the “YOU SOLD OUT!” chants.  He cuts his promo and issues and issues a “Double J Double M A Challenge” to the audience, for $100,000.  Jeremy Borash selects a jacked looking dude.  Jarrett accuses him of being on the gas.  He also refuses a fat guy.  Jarrett selects a skinny geek.  The guy’s name is Mike, from Brooklyn.  Jarrett makes fun of him and slaps him

$100,000 MMA Challenge: Jeff Jarrett vs. Mike.  Jarrett lands some knees, then stomps Mike.  Crowd chants “LET’S GO MIKE!”  Jarrett applies a rear naked choke for the win in 41 seconds.  Yeah…

A steel cage is headed our way!  Mickie vs. Tara is NEXT!

Rob Van Dam video package.

Steel Cage Match: Mickie James vs. Tara.  Of course, since it’s a STEEL CAGE MATCH, they start by brawling outside.  They finally get in the cage to start the match.  Insta-commercials 6 seconds in.  Tara hits a fancy spinning rack drop for 2.  THOSE FUCKING MUTANTS ARE DOING ALTERNATING CHANTS AGAIN.  Grr.  Mickie makes a comeback.  Mickie hits a basement dropkick for 2.  Tara sends Mickie into the turnbuckle, then hits a snap suplex into a front face lock.  Mickie fights out.  Tara beats her up.  Mickie goes for a rana, but fails and gets kicked in the face.  Mickie fights back and rams Tara’s head into the turnbuckle.  Mickie hits a half assed rana off the top rope.  Ugly looking bump for both of them.  Tara revives first and beats up Mickie.  Tara tries to escape through the door.  Mickie stops her and beats on her.  The show ends.  Of course.

Typical crap.  I’m glad it’s over.

TNA iMPACT! 12/2/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 7, 2010 by Grappleholic

Video of last week’s happenings.

“Who’s Wearing The Stripes?”

They start the show with a match already in progress.  Are you fucking serious?  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Ric Flair has joined them for this match, with TNA World Television Champion AJ Styles and Kazarian standing behind him.

Non-Title Four-Way Match: TNA World Tag Team Champions The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Beer Money vs. Ink Inc. vs. Generation Me.  JIP.  It’s a clusterfuck.  Moore hits a suicide dive on the Bucks, then an Asai moonsault on the Bucks and Guns.  Beer Money beat everybody up.  Beer Money and Ink Inc. do a tower of doom spot in the corner.  Jeremy hits a springboard facebuster on Neal.  There’s too much going on and they keep cutting to the announcers.  The Guns get a ladder from under the ring.  The Guns use it to abuse the Bucks.  The Bucks set up the ladder.  Beer Money and Ink Inc. are apparently asleep in the ring.  Sabin hits a cross body off the ladder onto the Bucks.  Ink Inc. double team Roode.  Storm rams Neal’s head into the steps.  Roode hits a TKO on Moore for 2.  Beer Money work over Moore.  They hit the awesome catapult DDT for 2.  Beer Money argue with the referee that’s been in all the shit lately.  Moore schoolboys Roode for the pin (6:02 shown).  Clusterfuck mess.

Ric Flair orders Fortune to “rough [the referee’s] ass up!”  Roode cuts a promo on the referee.  Storm storm beats him up.  Matt Morgan comes out, puts Flair in a rear chin lock, and orders Fortune to leave the referee alone.  They release the referee.  Morgan says he’ll rip their heads off if they mess with the referee again.  All of this, even though that referee screwed Morgan out of the title at the PPV.  Flair says Morgan is going down tonight.  We’re off to a clusterfuck of a start.

Mickie James talks to no one in particular backstage.  Eric Young and Orlando Jordan walk up to her.  Jordan is wearing a dress.  Apparently Mickie’s band is playing tonight.  Young wants to play the cowbell.  This fucking show… Commercials.

Tonight, Matt Morgan reveals the referee for the PPV!  Angelina Love vs. Madison Rayne vs. Sarita!  Jeff Jarrett & Abyss vs. Samoa Joe & The Pope!

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Mickie James sings her entrance music.  Eric Young comes out in panties and chaps and plays the cowbell.  Tara appears and attacks Mickie from behind, then whacks Eric Young with his cowbell.  Mickie and Tara brawl, because that’s just what they always do.  Security breaks them up.

The referee catches up with Matt Morgan backstage and asks to be the referee.  Even though the referee cost him the title last time.  Morgan refuses, to protect the poor little referee from getting beat up again.  Commercials.

Ric Flair cuts a promo to no one in particular backstage.

Video of Doug Williams turning on Fortune.

Doug Williams cuts a promo on Kazarian backstage.

Douglas Williams vs. Kazarian.  It’s face paced from the get go.  Williams controls at the start, landing some European uppercuts and hitting a suplex for 2.  Williams goes for the Chaos Theory, but Kazarian avoids it and hits the slingshot leg drop for 2.  Kazarian hits a neckbreaker for 2.  Kazarian drops Williams and taunts him.  Kazarian hits a dropkick for 2.  Williams goes for the Chaos Theory again, leading to some cradle reversals.  Kazarian hits something for 2.  Kazarian goes for the Axe Guillotine Driver, but Williams counts, then hits the Chaos Theory for the pin in 4:52.  Good match that I unfortunately didn’t pay enough attention too.

Mickie James is running around backstage looking angry.  And hot.  Commercials.

Matt Morgan wants to ask Doug Williams for a favor, but they are jumped by Fortune first.  D’Lo Brown, Al Snow, Pat Kenney, and Terry Taylor break it up.

Final Resolution hype.

Brother Devon comes out and calls out Brother Ray.  Brother Ray comes out (this week he’s wearing a Ribera Steak House jacket).  Devon wants him to get in the ring, but Bubba is a big pussy.  Devon puts over Taz.  Bubba bashes Taz.  Taz tells Bubba to stop being a bitch and get in the ring.  Bubba teases getting in the ring, then pusses out again.  Devon says nobody ever liked Bubba and he was the one who carried the team.  It’s true.  Bubba yells about Marty Jannetty.  Devon lunges at him and he flinches like a little bitch.  Devon goes after Bubba, who pulls So Cal Val in front of him and runs away like a scared little girl.  Great segment for establishing that Bubba is a little bitch.

Next, Love vs. Rayne vs. Sarita!  Commercials!

Samoa Joe and “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero chat backstage.  They’re tag partners tonight, but they don’t get along at all!  Groundbreaking booking here, folks!  We definitely don’t see that every single week on this show!

Sarita, Angelina Love, and Madison Rayne (w/ Tara) come out for the match.  Mickie attacks Tara and they brawl out of the sound stage.  Rayne knocks Sarita out with the belt.

Non-Title Three-Way Match: Sarita vs. Angelina Love vs. TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne.  Love attacks Rayne to finally start the match.  They fight.  It’s terrible.  Sarita stirs on the outside.  Rayne applies a rear chin lock.  Love makes her comeback and knocks Rayne out of the ring.  Rayne clocks Love in the face with the title belt.  Sarita makes it back in, pushes Rayne out of the ring, and pins Love in 2:41.  Utter crap.

Ric Flair talks to someone who is hidden by a door.  Pretty sure it’s Rhino.  Commercials.

Angelina Love throws a temper tantrum backstage.  Winter shows up to console her.  Winter guarantees that Love will never lose again.  Love asks her to explain WTF all this shit means.  They hold hands and go to talk.

Matt Morgan vs. Rhino.  They lock up.  Morgan pushes Rhino away.  Rhino beats up Morgan.  Morgan hits a shoulder block and some strikes.  Morgan hits an enzui leg lariat against the ropes.  They brawl outside.  Rhino sends Morgan into the post, then throws him back into the ring.  Morgan is bleeding.  Rhino works over the bleeding Morgan.  Morgan hulks up and makes his comeback.  Morgan hits a sidewalk slam for 2.  Morgan goes for a chokeslam.  Rhino counters.  Morgan hits a discus lariat for 2.  Morgan hits the revolving elbows in the corner.  Rhino hits a belly to belly suplex and goes for the Gore.  Morgan avoids it and hits the Carbon Footprint.  Fortune run in and attack Morgan to cause the DQ in 5:04.  Damn, this was pretty good.

Rob Van Dam runs out to brawl with Rhino.  Fortune continue beating on Morgan.  TNA World Heavyweight Champion Jeff Hardy comes out with a steel chair.  Fortune hold Morgan so Hardy can concuss him like he did to Mr. Anderson.  Speak of the devil, Mr. Anderson comes out with a lead pipe to run off Fortune.  Anderson’s mic drops down.  Commercials.

Ken Anderson and Matt Morgan are still in the ring.  Anderson thanks Morgan for having his back.  He talks about the unwritten wrestlers’ code.  He talks about his concussion.  Anderson offers to be the referee at the PPV.  Morgan approves.  Anderson says “the bigger man” will win on Sunday.

Mickie James and Tara are now fighting in the parking lot.  Tenay isn’t sure what’s going on because he’s an idiot.  Tara back body drops Mickie into the bed of an old pickup truck.  Commercials.

Jeremy Borash announces a New Jersey Fist Pump Showdown.  WHAT THE FUCK?  TNA X Division Champion Robbie E. (w/ Cookie) and Jay Lethal come out.  I refuse to watch this shit, so I fast forward for a while.  Eventually they start fighting and end up backstage.  Cookie gets into it with Christy Hemme and gets her ass kicked.  Christy locks Cookie in a cage.  Robbie slams the cage door into Lethal.  I fucking hate this show.

Jarrett & Abyss vs. Joe & Pope is next.  Commercials.

Jeff Jarrett and Abyss chat backstage.

Final Resolution hype music video.

The main event is next for real this time!  Commercials!

Jeff Jarrett & Abyss of Immortal vs. Samoa Joe & “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  Jarrett and Pope do silly worked MMA that turns into decent chain wrestling.  Joe tags in.  Jarrett runs away and tags in Abyss.  Joe and Abyss lock up.  Joe rocks Abyss with a Pele kick.  Joe does the face wash.  Pope tags himself in in the process and attacks Abyss.  Joe and Pope argue.  Abyss hits them with a double clothesline.  Abyss splashes Pope in the corner and tags in Jarrett.  Jarrett goes for a cross armbreaker.  Joe tries to prevent it, but fails.  Pope gets a rope break.  Abyss tags in and brawls with Pope.  Jarrett tags in again and applies a rear chin lock.  Pope escapes via backdrop suplex.  The show ends.  The show starts during a match and ends during a match.  Of course.

Fucking horrible show.

TNA iMPACT! 11/25/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 4, 2010 by Grappleholic

Video package of recent goings on.

“Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner?”

Immortal/Fortune are backstage having Thanksgiving dinner.  Eric Young is a waiter.  Eric Bischoff puts everyone over and toasts them.  There’s an empty seat.  Bischoff says he’s invited Dixie Carter to dinner.  Everybody is mad.

iMPACT! open.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Matt Morgan comes out to cut a promo.  He has a rematch against Jeff Hardy and has won the privilege of naming the referee for the match.  He talks on for a while about referees and mistakes and such.  Doug Williams comes out and talks shit about Fortune.  He wants to be the referee.  Morgan says he’s under consideration.  Fortune come out.  Flair cuts a promo on Morgan and Williams.  Kazarian challenges “the Queen of England” and “the Greenprint” to find some partners for an elimination match tonight, then throws out some more childish insults.

EV2.0 drama video package.

Tommy Dreamer is headed our way!  So is Rhino!

Ric Flair gives Fortune a pep talk back at the feast.  Flair gets iced for the billionth time.  Bischoff says Dixie Carter has landed in Orlando.  Everyone is still unhappy about this.

Last Street Fight: Rhino vs. Tommy Dreamer.  I have no fucking idea why this is the “last” street fight.  They brawl in the ring.  They brawl outside.  Dreamer puts a table in the ring.  They brawl outside some more.  Rhino suplexes Dreamer on the stage.  They use plunder.  Dreamer bleeds.  Rhino wails on him with a Singapore cane back in the ring.  Rhino wedges a trash can between the turnbuckles, then whips Dreamer into it.  Rhino charges, Dreamer moves, and Rhino Gores the trash can.  Dreamer whacks him about with a cookie sheet, then hits a cookie sheet enzui leg drop.  Dreamer goes for the DDT, but Rhino hits a release Northern Lights suplex.  Rhino sets up the table in the corner.  Dreamer kicks Rhino in the balls and goes for the Spiccoli Driver.  Rhino counters and hits a belly to belly suplex.  Rhino goes for the Gore, but Dreamer hits him with a cookie sheet and schoolboys him for the pin in 4:35.  That was stupid.  Dreamer makes some stupid comments and says they’re not friends anymore.  They need to stop letting Dreamer talk.  They hug, then Rhino turns again and slams Dreamer through the table.  Rob Van Dam comes out with a chair.  Rhino bails.  RVD challenges him to a First Blood Match at the PPV.  Rhino agrees.  Ugh.

Tonight, Dixie Carter!

Ric Flair is headed somewhere!

Matt Morgan and Doug Williams ask Samoa Joe to team with them tonight.  Joe agrees after a fashion.

The Beautiful People bitch at someone about something.  Flair tries to recruit them to be eye candy at the feast.  Mickie James walks up to talk to Angelina, who tells her to talk to Velvet’s action figure.  Madison Rayne and Tara walk up.  Mickie and Tara start fighting again, which causes all of them to fight.  Mickie and Tara brawl away.  Winter shows up to pull Madison off of Angelina and screams at her to leave.  WTF?  This shit is fucking retarded.

Back at the feast, TNA World Heavyweight Champion Jeff Hardy shows up to cut one of his retarded promos.  They need to stop letting him talk, too.

Tonight, Dixie Carter.

The show clips of the Motor City Machine Guns/Young Bucks empty arena brawl from last week’s Reaction.

TNA World Tag Team Champions The Motor City Machine Guns talk in the back.  They’re having a Full Metal Mayhem Match with the Bucks at the PPV.  TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne walks back screaming for Sarita.

Matt Morgan and Doug Williams ask “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero to be their partner.  Pope respectfully declines.  Morgan talks him into it.

TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne comes out screaming in her nails on a chalkboard voice and calls out Sarita.  Her voice is AWFUL, like Vickie Guerrero awful.

Non-Title: TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne vs. Sarita.  They lock up.  Madison screams like a banshee.  Sarita decks her.  Madison begs off.  They have the weakest looking brawl in the history of wrestling.  Sarita gets an Oklahoma roll for 2.  Sarita gets a front cradle for 2.  Sarita dances, then ducks slaps.  Madison does a flip and hits a weak clothesline.  Madison horribly works her over.  Sarita gets a schoolgirl for 2.  Madison does something for 2.  Please end this shit.  Sarita gets another cradle for 2.  Sarita does a wacky stupid lucha flip thing and a dropkick, then dances, then hits horrible spaghetti arm slaps, then a backdrop suplex.  Madison bails.  Please, just leave.  Madison easily avoids a stupid dive.  Madison dances and throws her back in the ring.  Madison dances some more.  Sarita trips her and gets the pin with a half assed half jackknife hold in 4:32.  This was fucking HORRIBLE.  It seems like every week’s knockouts match is worse than the last one.

Back at the feast, Jeff Jarrett is only drinking water because he “has to make weight.”  Retarded.  He’s going to play a DVD… next.

Still at the feast, they talk about what they are thankful for.  They show a video of Jeff Jarrett at a karate school tapping out children.

Jesse Neal cuts a promo on Jeff Jarrett to no one in particular.

Tonight, Elimination Match!  Next, Jarrett vs. Neal in an… MMA Match?

Submission Match: Jesse Neal vs. Jeff Jarrett.  They do retarded looking worked MMA.  Neal gets a takedown, but doesn’t do anything with it.  Jarrett gets a takedown and goes for a cross armbreaker.  Neal gets a rope break.  Jarrett beats up Neal and locks in the ankle lock.  Neal gets a rope break again.  This is obnoxious.  They’re working it like an MMA fight.  Neal fights back.  There’s a ref bump in the MMA fight.  Jarrett gets a guitar from under the ring and clocks Neal with it in the MMA fight.  Jarrett applies a rear naked choke.  The referee stops it in 4:26.  This was fucking retarded.  Shannon Moore comes out to run off Jarrett.  Yes, Jeff Jarrett is afraid of Shannon Moore.

Tonight, Survivor Series Elimination Match!  Dixie Carter!

They show Brother Ray turning on Brother Devon 2 weeks ago.  Brother Ray is next.

Brother Ray is in the ring (wearing a New Japan track suit top!) cutting a promo.  Same shit as last week.  They show various clips of Devon getting beaten up and of Ray kicking ass.  Crowd chants “YOU STILL SUCK!”  He challenges Devon to show up next week.  Bubba has his own music now.

Dixie Carter arrives at the sound stage.

Back at the feast, Bischoff says Dixie is here, so they should hide the liquor.  Hogan says he won’t be responsible for what happens to her.  Don’t worry Dixie, I’m pretty sure Hulk will blow out his knee if he gets up to try to get at you.

Time for the main event.  Fortune were all suited up eating dinner 3 minutes ago, but of course they’re geared up and ready to wrestle now.

Elimination Match: Doug Williams, “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero, Samoa Joe, & Matt Morgan vs. TNA World Television Champion AJ Styles, Beer Money, & Kazarian of Fortune.  Pope beats up Styles to start.  Pope hits a hip toss for 2.  Styles gets Pope in the Fortune corner and they beat him off.  Storm hits a knee drop and a leg drop for 2.  Storm puts his cowboy hat on and hits a corner clothesline.  Pope schoolboys Storm for the pin in 1:51.  Of course the heels have the advantage.  Roode jumps on Pope.  Insta-commercials.  Kazarian hits Pope with a side kick.  Styles tags in.  Styles and Kazarian double team Pope for 2.  Pope avoids Styles in the corner and tags in Morgan.  Styles tags in Kazarian.  Kaz wants Joe.  Morgan obliges.  Joe kicks Kazarian’s ass.  Williams tags in and beats up Kazarian.  Kazarian hits some kind of neckbreaker looking deal for 2.  Joe and Pope argue on the apron.  Kazarian goes for an electric chair drop, but Williams hits the Chaos Theory for the pin (5:49 shown).  Of course the heels are down 2 guys!  That is only logical thing to do!  Styles and Roode work Williams over.  Roode hits a diving knee drop for 2.  Williams hits a move to break away.  Pope and Joe both blind tag in and argue about who’s legal.  They start fighting and brawl to the back.  Styles helps Roode block the Chaos Theory.  Roode beats up Williams.  Williams knocks Styles off the apron.  Roode hits Williams with a spinebuster for the pin (8:38 shown).  Morgan is alone because he picked shitty partners.  Roode and Styles beat up Morgan.  The show ends about 10 minutes into the match.

Another horrible show from a horrible company.

TNA Turning Point 2010

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 10, 2010 by Grappleholic

The opening video is more of Jeff Hardy’s drug fueled ramblings.

Turning Point!  Pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.  The PPV is opening with Shore.  Wonderful.

TNA X Division Championship Match: Jay Lethal (c) vs. Robbie E. (w/ Cookie).  They lock  up.  Robbie has a fist on the back of his trunks.  Is his gimmick that he loves to jerk off?  Lethal wins the lock up and the Shore tard bails to give instructions to Becky Bayless’ tits.  They lock up again.  Lethal shines and hits some arm drags.  Robbie has fists on his knee pads too.  He must really love jerking it.  Lethal backdrops him out of the ring to the floor, which I enjoyed.  The Shore tards avoids getting hit by Lethal’s baseball slide dropkick, but Lethal drops Robbie with a chop.  Lethal beats up Robbie on the outside, then throws him back inside.  Lethal hits a springboard missile dropkick for 2.  Lethal hits a hip toss, then cartwheels into a dropkick for 2.  Lethal lands an elbow smash and goes for the Lethal Combination, but Robbie counters and hot shots Lethal into the ropes.  Robbie grounds & pounds Lethal, then covers for 2.  Robbie keeps the heat on Lethal.  Lethal tries to fight back, but gets whipped hard into the corner.  Cover gets 2.  Robbie dances like a Jersey retard, then applies an abdominal stretch.  Lethal breaks out, but gets caught with an elbow smash.  Cover gets 2 for the tard.  Robbie hugs Lethal from behind.  Robbie works Lethal’s ribs.  Lethal makes his comeback and gets rolling.  Lethal gets a sunset flip, but Cookie distracts the referee.  Lethal goes to yell at her.  Robbie tries to jump Lethal, but gets thrown outside.  Lethal lands a tope suicida.  Lethal beats up Robbie on the outside.  Back inside, Cookie tries to spray Lethal with hairspray.  Lethal takes it away from her, then hits Robbie with the Lethal Combination.  Lethal goes up top.  Cookie grabs his leg.  Robbie crotches him, then hits a neckbreaker for the pin in 10:40.  Good match, but I still hate everything about this retarded gimmick.

Tenay and Taz hype the rest of tonight’s card.

Christy Hemme interviews Mickie James.

Tara vs. Mickie James.  Idiot Borash almost announces it as a Knockouts title match.  Mickie rushes to the ring in her chaps.  They brawl.  Is she seriously going to wrestle on chaps?  Mickie shines.  Tara bails.  Mickie invites her back in to the ring.  Tara hits a neckbreaker across the top rope.  Tara goes for the Widow’s Peak, but Mickie counters into a sunset flip for 2.  Mickie applies a hair pull half crab briefly.  Tara bails again and pulls Mickie out of the ring.  They pull each others’ hair and roll back into the ring.  Tara throws Mickie across the ring by her hair.  Tara hits a suplex into a front choke, then pulls her hair.  Mickie fights back and takes Tara outside with a head scissors.  Mickie hits a diving Thesz press from the apron.  Back inside, Mickie hits a missile dropkick.  She goes for the spin kick, but Tara catches her leg and makes her do the splits.  Mickie counters a suplex and goes for a DDT.  Tara counters, sets her on the top rope, and goes for something, but they kind of fall.  They hit teach other on the top rope, then tumble to the floor.  They pull each others’ hair on the outside.  Tara gets whipped into the side of the ring.  They fight into the crowd.  The referee is out there with them instead of counting in the fucking ring.  He gets shoved and calls for a DQ in 8:15.  They keep fighting anyway.  Tara hits Mickie with a broom and breaks it over her back.  Mickie hits Tara with a trash can.  They brawl some more.  Security geeks break them up.  Mickie goes back to the ring and challenges Tara again.  So they brawl in the ring again and start ripping each others’ clothes off.  Yay!  D’Lo Brown, Pat Kenney, and security geeks break them up.  They fight again.  They get broken up again.  This went on too long for my taste.  Still, it was 1000 times better than other current TNA women’s matches and at least they treated it like a grudge match.

Team 3D/Motor City Machine Guns hype video.

Christy Hemme interviews Team 3D.  Tonight is allegedly their last match.

Tag Lines!

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match: The Motor City Machine Guns (c) vs. Team 3D.  Shelley and Devon shake hands and lock up.  They break and lock up again, then trade arm locks.  Devon takes Shelley down with a side headlock.  Shelley transitions into a head scissors, then breaks.  They lock up again  and trade holds.  Devon lands a flying shoulder block for 2.  Shelley drops out of a suplex attempt and avoids Devon in the corner.  Shelley ducks punches.  Devon ducks an enzuigiri.  Shelley drops Devon and tags in Sabin.  Guns go for the Skull & Bones, but Devon escapes, drops them, and tags in Ray.  3D go for the 3D, but Sabin bails to avoid it.  Sabin and Ray tear into each other.  Sabin lands some forearms and a springboard cross body for 2.  Ray boots Sabin in the face.  Devon tags in.  3D double team Sabin.  Cover, but Shelley saves.  Shelley blind tags in.  Guns double team Devon.  Cover gets 2.  Shelley goes for a diving stomp, but Devon avoids it and tags in Ray.  Ray works Shelley’s knee.  Shelley avoids getting squashed by a big splash and tags in Sabin.  Guns double team Ray.  Guns knock Devon to the floor and Shelley hits a tope suicida.  Ray avoids Sabin’s dive on the other side of the ring.  Ray charges, but Sabin moves and Ray smashes into the post.  Back inside, the Guns work Ray over.  Ray is BUSTED WIDE OPEN!  Sabin goes for a Frankensteiner off the top, but takes too long, allowing Ray to powerbomb him off the top!  Cover takes too long and gets 2.  Shelley tags in and prevents a tag from being made in the 3D corner.  Shelley kicks the crap out of Ray.  Ray asks for more and chops Shelley.  Repeat.  Shelley lands an enzuigiri, then goes for a rebound something.  Bubba catches him with an Ace Crusher in midair!  Devon and Sabin tag in.  Devon runs wild.  Devon hits a sidewalk slam for 2.  Devon hits a powerslam for 2.  Devon hits a neckbreaker, but Shelley saves.  Guns double team Devon.  Devon slams them into each other.  Devon hits a 360 lariat on Sabin and goes up top.  Devon hits a diving headbutt, but Shelley saves.  Bubba blind tags in and hits the Guns with a double enzui lariat.  3D hit the inverted 3D on Sabin for 2.  3D hit the Wassup headbutt on Shelley.  Bubba tells Devon to get the tables, presumably so they can ruin their final match with a DQ finish.  3D set up the table and triy to whip Sabin through it, but Sabin runs up and flips back.  Bubba goes through the table.  Guns double superkick Devon for 2.  Guns hit Skull & Bones for 2.  Shelley goes for the Shiranui.  Devon fights them off.  3D on Sabin.  Sabin kicks out!  3D are in shock.  They go for it again, but Sabin DDTs Devon, then avoids Bubba’s elbow drop,  Shelley superkicks Bubba.  Guns hit the Skull & Bones on Bubba.  Shelley gets the pin in 17:07.  AWESOME match!  Everybody hugs and makes friends.

Christy Hemme interviews Tommy Dreamer.

Tommy Dreamer vs. Rob Van Dam.  They lock up, break, lock up, break, lock up.  Dreamer ducks a kick and gets a schoolboy for 2.  RVD gets a leg scissors cradle for 2.  They argue, then start punching each other.  RVD hits an ineffective shoulder block.  Dreamer hits a clothesline.  RVD bails.  Dreamer hits a diving clothesline off the apron.  RVD kicks Dreamer in the head.  RVD drops Dreamer’s balls across the barricade, then hits the MOTHERFUCKING GUARDRAIL LEG DROP!  RVD throws a chair into the ring.  There was no ring announcing for this match, so I have no idea what the gimmick is.  Either it’s legal or the referee is an idiot, because RVD grinds the chair into Dreamer’s face.  He tries a slingshot leg drop, but ends up just leg dropping the chair.  Dreamer works RVD’s leg.  Dreamer puts RVD in the tree of woe with the chair.  RVD moves.  Dreamer puts him back in position.  RVD moves again.  Dreamer hits a hangman’s neckbreaker.  Dreamer brings in a ladder and a fresh chair.  RVD stumbles around and tries to dropkick the ladder into Dreamer.  Dreamer avoids it and hits RVD in the face with a ladder.  Dreamer bulldogs RVD into the ladder for 2.  Dreamer goes for a diving elbow drop and hits it on the ladder.  RVD hits the Rolling Thunder on the ladder.  That poor, defenseless ladder.  Dreamer hits a sloppy frog splash on RVD for 2.  Dreamer looks to have injured his wrist.  RVD hits a Northern Lights suplex hold for 2.  Eww… you can see the bone poking into the skin on Dreamer’s wrist.  RVD covers for 2.  Dreamer fights back.  RVD kicks him, then slams him onto a chair and goes for the split legged moonsault.  Dreamer moves and chair eats it.  RVD hits Dreamer in the head with the ladder.  Dreamer avoids the Five Star Frog Splash and hits a piledriver for 2 despite the ref clearly seeing RVD’s hand under the ropes.  Dreamer sets up RVD in the corner and uses the ladder as a platform.  He goes for a superplex, but ends up getting crotched on the ladder.  Dreamer falls back still trapped in the ladder.  Ouch.  RVD hits a running dropkick using the chair.  The announcers beg RVD to pin Dreamer and end this debacle.  Dreamer avoids the Five Star Frog Splash again and goes for the Spiccoli Driver, but fails.  RVD whips him into the ladder and goes for the Spiccoli Driver, but fails.  Dreamer tries the DDT, but fails and gets dropped across the chair.  RVD hits the Five Star Frog Splash for the pin in 15:56.  What a sloppy mess of a match.  They make up, presumably realizing that the world should not be subjected to having to watch them wrestle each other again.

Christy Hemme interviews Fortune.

Fortune/EV2.0 hype video.

They’ve turned Borash down so low you can barely hear him.

TNA World Television Champion AJ Styles, Beer Money, Kazarian, & Doug Williams of Fortune vs. Rhino, Sabu, Raven, & Stevie Richards, & Brian Kendrick of EV2.0.  Kazarian slaps Kendrick leading to everybody brawling.  Kendrick’s knee gets injured.  Roode hits a spinebuster on Richards for 2.  Kendrick is helped to the back.  It finally breaks down into a tag match as Beer Money double team Richards.  Fortune take turns working over Richards.  He’s the worker of the team, so he has to take the abuse.  Richards catches Kazarian as he goes for Richards’ own superkick and hits him with his own Complete Shot.  Rhino and Storm tag in.  Rhino runs wild.  The other Fortune dudes come in and get their asses kicked.  Rhino goes for the Gore on Storm, but Roode trips him.  Styles hits Rhino with the springboard forearm.  Storm covers for 2.  Roode works over Rhino.  Raven, as he’s done constantly throughout the match, makes random saves.  Rhino takes his turn as the face in peril for a while.  He drops Storm with either a Samoan drop or a half assed TKO.  Styles and Sabu tag in.  Sabu runs wild, looks like crap, and hits a dive on Fortune.  Raven crotches Styles on the top rope.  Sabu goes for a superplex, but Styles fights him off.  Styles goes for the springboard 450, but Sabu avoids it and hits a tornado DDT.  Williams saves.  Everybody hits finishers: Stevie Kick, Axe Guillotine Driver, Evenflow DDT, BEER!  MONEY! double suplex, GORE!  Clusterfuck.  Sabu goes for a tope rope Frankensteiner on Styles, but Styles turns it into the Styles Clash for the pin in 12:04.  Good match.  Ric Flair comes out, praises Fortune, and fires Sabu.  Sabu wants to fight Flair for insulting The Sheik, but is held back.  Flair horribly sings a goodbye song.  RVD and Dreamer come out to say goodbye to Sabu.

Christy Hemme interviews “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero (w/ his congregation, including his brother).  Mickie James and Tara brawl into the interview area.  The congregation break them up.  TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne hits Mickie from behind with the belt.  Madison and Tara scream at Mickie.

Abyss/Pope hype video.

Lumberjack Match: Abyss vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  Pope beats up Abyss and dropkicks him out of the ring.  Abyss gets back in before the Black Panthers can attack him.  Pope beats up Abyss some more.  Abyss throws Pope out of the ring.  Some congregation members catch him and set him down gently.  Back inside, Pope fails a sunset flip, but hits a diving lariat for 2.  Pope clotheslines Abyss out of the ring.  The congregation throw him back in.  Abyss boots Pope in the face and starts beating him up.  Abyss bear hugs Pope.  Pope fights back.  Abyss hugs him again.  Abyss goes for the Black Hole Slam, but Pope turns it into a DDT.  Pope makes his comeback.  This is boring.  Abyss hits the Shock Treatment for 2.  Abyss goes for a chokeslam, but Pope counters and knocks Abyss out of the ring.  He fights off the congregation, but Pope hits him with a dive off the top rope.  Back inside, Pope hits a diving headbutt for 2.  Pope beats up Abyss some more and celebrates with the congregation.  Eric Bischoff comes out and rubs his thumbs and forefingers together as the international sign of money.  Pope’s brother jumps him from behind.  The congregation beat up the Pope.  A fucking swerve just for the sake of doing a fucking swerve.  Pope’s brother throws him back into the ring.  Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam for the pin after a long, boring 12:51.  Boring shit, and of course we have to have a fucking swerve for no reason.  And why do they always wait until late in a match to do the swerve?  What if the match had ended in 2 minutes and you never got the chance to unveil your master plan?

Christy Hemme tries to go into the EV2.0 locker room to talk to Sabu.  Stevie Richards comes out instead and cuts a promo on Fortune.  He challenges AJ Styles to a match on iMPACT!

Jeff Jarrett/Samoa Joe hype video.

Jeff Jarrett comes out and cuts a promo.  He threatens to shut down the show if the fans don’t stop chanting “YOU SOLD OUT!”  He goes to leave, but Joe comes out and chases  him back to the ring.

Jeff Jarrett vs. Samoa Joe.  Joe wins the lock up.  Jarrett tries to take Joe down, but fails.  Jarrett avoids an elbow drop.  Jarrett ducks a kick and gets a schoolboy for 0.  Joe drops Jarrett with a leg lariat.  Joe beats up Jarrett.  Jarrett beats up Joe.  They trade chops.  That’s a battle that Jarrett is not going to win.  And he doesn’t.  Jarrett counters a powerbomb, trips Jarrett, and locks in an ankle lock.  Jarrett does that “running into a guy against the ropes” and “sliding through the ropes and hitting a guy” stuff that I never know how to describe.  Jarrett comes off the top to hit Joe.  It works once, but fails the second time.  Joe gives a primal yell and kills Jarrett with a lariat for 2.  Joe hits a senton splash for 2.  Jarrett hits the Stroke for 2.  Joe hits an Exploder and goes for the Muscle Buster.  He fails that, goes for a superplex, and still fails.  Jarrett pulls Joe’s head across the top rope and hits the Stroke off the middle rope!  Joe kicks out again!  Jarrett gets a chair.  The referee goes out to stop him.  Joe hits them with a tope suicida.  Joe beats up Jarrett in the ring.  Gunner and Murphy come out and get their asses kicked.  Joe gives the little on the Muscle Buster.  Jarrett attacks Joe with a night stick.  Jarrett chokes Joe out with the stick.  Jarrett locks Joe in Joe’s on Coquina Clutch.  The big geek sends the referee back in.  The referee stops the match and awards it to Jarrett in 10:31.  2 fuck finishes in a row.

Highlight video of the show which isn’t over yet.  They really don’t have any faith at all that the main event will be any good, do they?

Christy Hemme interviews Eric Bischoff, who is celebrating with all of the dudes who betrayed The Pope.

Jeff Hardy/Matt Morgan hype video.

Tale of the Tape.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: Jeff Hardy (c) vs. Matt Morgan.  They lock up.  Morgan shoves Hardy.  Hardy bails.  Back inside, Hardy goes for a go behind, but Morgan elbows him in the head.  Hardy sits in the corner and looks sad and befuddled.  Hardy has a flurry of shitty punches, then tries to shoulder block Morgan like an idiot and gets dropped.  Hardy hides in the ropes and gouges Morgan’s eyes.  Hardy tries to beat on Morgan, but Morgan throws him out of the ring.  Hardy wanders around outside.  Morgan challenges him to get back in the ring.  Hardy spits at him.  Morgan follows him out, then back into the ring.  Hardy tries to get in a cheap shot, but fails.  Morgan beats up Hardy on the apron.  Back inside, cover gets 2.  Morgan hits a body slam, but misses a leg drop.  Hardy hits a basement dropkick and starts working Morgan’s leg.  Half assed elbow drop gets 1.  Hardy applies the least painful looking leg lock I’ve ever seen, then transitions into a less ridiculous half crab.  Morgan gets a rope break.  Hardy argues with the referee, then goes back to working Morgan’s leg.  Hardy gets a 2 count off of something, then applies a rear chin lock.  Morgan escapes and makes a comeback.  Morgan hits a discus lariat for 2.  I always pop for that move.  Hardy hits a DDT for 2.  Hardy hits a leg drop, goes to the middle rope, does his brother’s pose, and dives.  Morgan catches him with a chokeslam for 2.  Hardy kicks Morgan in the balls right in front of the referee and doesn’t get admonished.  He hits the Twist of Hate (sic) for 2.  Morgan hits the Carbon Footprint for 2.  Hardy didn’t kick out, the referee just stopped counting after Hardy kind of lightly kicked him in the head.  Morgan argues with him.  Hardy hits another Twist of Hate for 2.  Hardy argues with the referee.  Morgan beats up Hardy in the corner.  Morgan goes for a backdrop suplex off the top, but Hardy fights him off and hits the Whisper In The Wind.  Hardy hits another Twist of Hate for the pin in 13:05.  This was terrible.  Immortal come out to celebrate with Hardy.  There’s confetti and champagne to celebrate this abortion of a main event.  Flair gets iced.  Again.  Seriously.

The show started off good, then fell off a cliff to the point where the last few matches were horrible.  Further evidence that this company is WCW 2.0.