Archive for Criss Angel

WWE Money In The Bank 2010

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 20, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open, Money In The Bank open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and Matt Striker are the announcers.  We’re LIVE from Kansas City, Missouri!  Carlos Cabrera and Hugo Savinovich are the Spanish announcers!  Tony Chimel and Justin Roberts are the ring announcers.

Money In The Bank Ladder Match: WWE Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Christian vs. “Dashing” Cody Rhodes vs. Matt Hardy vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Kane vs. The Big Show.  Everybody gangs up on Big Show and Kane.  Rhodes sets up a ladder and tries to climb while everyone is distracted.  Show and Kane kick his ass, then brawl with each other.  Show tries to climb the ladder and the first rung he steps on breaks, just like on Smackdown.  Everybody attacks Show, but he clears them out and throws the broken ladder out of the ring at Kane.  Show looks under the ring for his special ladder, but all the little guys attack him and send him into the steps, then brawl amongst themselves.  McIntyre catapults Christian into a ladder, then sets up the ladder and starts climbing.  Hardy hits him with another ladder.  Hardy climbs the ladder, but Christian comes in and pulls him down.  Christian puts the boots to Hardy and climbs the ladder himself.  Hardy pulls Christian off and pounds on him.  Hardy and Christian go out of the ring.  Rhodes climbs the ladder, but Kingston cuts him off and starts climbing.  Ziggler cuts Kingston off and reaches the briefcase, but Christian cuts him off.  They brawl on top of the ladder.  Christian hip tosses Ziggler off the ladder.  Hardy pushes the ladder over.  Hardy hits the Side Effect on Kofi and Christian hits the reverse DDT on Rhodes.  Kane goes for a double chokeslam, but Hardy and Christian hit him with a double DDT.  Hardy and Christian sandwich Kane between ladders, then hit each other.  Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate, but Christian counters and flapjacks Hardy into a ladder.  Christian does his “stand on the guy on the bottom rope” bit with the ladder.  Christian climbs the ladder, but McIntyre pushes it over.  Christian falls out of the ring and takes out Big Show in the process.  Rhodes hits a kick on Kane.  Kofi hits Kane with the Trouble In Paradise, then Hardy drops Kane with the Twist of Fate.  Kofi climbs a ladder, but Rhodes hits him with a backdrop suplex.  Hardy and Rhodes brawl on top of the ladder.  McIntyre pushes the ladder over.  McIntyre throws Hardy into the post, then Rhodes.  McIntyre climbs a ladder, but Ziggler cuts him off.  McIntyre throws Ziggler into the post.  Kane pulls McIntyre out of the ring and stomps his head in.  Kane tears up the announcers’ tables and tries to chokeslam McIntyre.  Kane fights back, but gets dropped with a big boot.  Kofi baseball slide dropkicks a ladder into Kane’s face, then beats up McIntyre on the Spanish announce table.  Kofi lays out McIntyre with the Trouble In Paradise, then climbs a ringside ladder and hits the Boom Drop on McIntyre through the table.  Ziggler climbs a ladder in the ring.  Show comes in, knocks the ladder over, and chokeslams Ziggler.  Kane tries to chokeslam Show, but Show fights him off and rams a ladder into him, then butt butts the ladder in the corner.  Show throws Rhodes out of the ring.  Christian and Hardy hit Show with a ladder.  Show grabs the ladder and shoves it over both of them, then splashes the ladder with Christian and Hardy under it.  That couldn’t have been fun for anyone.  Show brings his special ladder in from under the ring.  He struggles with it because it is a very heavy ladder.  He finally gets the giant ladder set up.  Rhodes comes in and hits Show in his injured leg with a step ladder.  Rhodes climbs the big ladder.  Ziggler cuts him off and hits an electric chair drop.  Ziggler climbs the huge ladder.  Show gets up and kills him with a big chop.  Hardy attacks Show and gets a big headbutt for his trouble.  Kofi springboards to the ladder and climbs, but Show grabs him.  Kofi turns it into a DDT and starts climbing again.  Rhodes hits Kofi with a missile dropkick to the ladder.  Nice.  Rhodes hits Kofi with the Cross Rhodes on a ladder.  Rhodes climbs the huge ladder.  Ziggler cuts him off and sort of hits the Zig Zag into the huge ladder.  That’s a very sturdy ladder.  Show headbutts Rhodes and Ziggler and finally climbs the huge ladder.  Kane comes in and pushes the ladder over.  Big Show tumbles over the top rope to the floor.  The other guys stack ladders on top of Show.  Show is pretty much buried in ladders.  Everybody else tries to climb the huge ladder.  Kane chokeslams Christian, then Hardy, then rams Kofi’s head into the ladder and pulls Rhodes down and decks him.  Kane climbs.  Ziggler climbs over him and goes for the briefcase.  Ziggler locks Kane in the sleeper hold.  Kane rams Ziggler’s head into the ladder.  Ziggler crash to the mat, then Kane chokeslams him into the pile of ladders burying Show.  Rhodes and Kofi pull Kane out of the ring, then brawl with each other.  Kane kicks their asses and chokeslams Kofi onto Show’s ladder pyre.  Rhodes runs up the ramp to get away from Kane.  Kane catches him and throws him like a javelin into one of the armored trucks making up the PPV set.  Hardy climbs the ladder.  Kane pulls him down.  Christian tries to climb up with Kane, but gets knocked down.  Christian and Hardy slam Kane down off of the ladder.  Christian and Hardy climb the ladder and fight at the top, then both fall off.  McIntyre finally recovers from being dead and climbs the ladder.  Kane recovers and choke pushes McIntyre to the mat.  Kane takes down the briefcase to win it in 26:17.  Awesome match.  The Raw guys are going to have a hard time topping it.

Josh Matthews interviews the WWE Champion, Sheamus.  He says he finally realized he had to fight against The Nexus, but he still hates John Cena.

WWE Divas Championship Match: Alicia Fox (c) vs. Eve Torres.  They lock up.  Fox takes Eve down.  Eve gets up and takes Fox down.  They lock up again.  Eve grabs a side headlock, then hits a shoulder block for 1.  Eve gets a jackknife hold for 1.  Eve gets a sunset flip for 2.  Eve lands a dropkick and goes for a tornado DDT, but Fox pulls her down.  Eve goes outside.  Fox follows and his met with a forearm.  Fox slams Eve into the side of the ring.  Fox pulls Eve into the ring and covers for 2.  Fox applies a backbreaker hold.  Eve knees her way out and makes her comeback.  Fox hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for 2.  Eve hits sort a reverse monkey flip.  Eve hits a cross body for 1.  Eve lands some more dropkicks and goes for a suplex, but her back gives it.  Eve lands a kick and hits a standing moonsault for 2.  Eve drops Fox with another kick and tries a flip from the middle rope, but Fox gets her knees up.  Fox hits the scissors kick for the pin in 5:53.  They tried.  It was still pretty bad, but at least it wasn’t too horribly long.

They show the retarded shit from Smackdown where Kane chokeslammed and Tombstoned Jack Swagger’s daddy.

Jack Swagger is on the phone with his mom.  He’s gone from loving his daddy to blaming him for trying to steal his spotlight.

Unified WWE Tag Team Championship Match: The Hart Dynasty (c) (w/ Natalya) vs. Jimmy & Jey Uso (w/ Tamina).  Smith and the Uso with short tights start.  I keep forgetting which is which.  Cole says it’s Jey, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.  Smith hits a powerslam for 2.  Kidd tags in.  Smith hip tosses him into a rana on Jey.  Smith comes back in and brawls with Jey some more.  Jey grounds and pounds him.  Jimmy tags in and beats up Smith.  Jey tags in and hits a butt butt to the corner for 2, as Kidd saves.  Smith hits a back body drop on Jey.  Jimmy tags in and cuts off Smith from making the tag.  Jimmy cranks on a rear chin lock.  Smith hits a belly to belly throw.  Jey and Kidd tag in.  Kidd runs wild.  Kidd gets a springboard reverse cradle, but Jimmy makes the blind tag.  Usos hit a double team Samoan drop on Kidd.  Jimmy covers for 2.  Jimmy slams Kidd and goes for the Superfly splash, but Kidd gets his knees up.  Smith gets the tag and nails Jimmy with a shoulder block.  Smith goes for the Sharpshooter.  Tamina gets on the apron.  Natalya pulls her down and slams her on the floor.  Smith catches Jimmy’s superkick and locks in the Sharpshooter.  Kidd takes out Jey with a dive.  Jimmy submits to Smith in 5:53.  Fine little match.  All of these guys are really good.

Criss Angel: Mindfreak commercial.  That’s the sponsor of the PPV.

“Money” is the crappy PPV theme song!

Rey Mysterio/Jack Swagger video package.

World Heavyweight Championship Match: Rey Mysterio Jr. (c) vs. Jack Swagger.  Mysterio is limping to sell the ankle injury.  Swagger goes for takedowns and Mysterio tries to stay away from Swagger.  They lock up.  Swagger pushes Mysterio into the corner and goes for the ankle.  Mysterio fights to keep him Swagger off of his ankle.  Mysterio goes for the 619, but Swagger moves.  Mysterio tries a quebrada, but Mysterio catches him, powerslams him into the corner, and ties him to the tree of woe.  Mysterio avoids a blow and hits a diving Bombs Away to the floor.  That was stupid.  Mysterio goes up top again and Swagger hits a belly to belly throw from the top.  Swagger, naturally, works the leg.  Mysterio bails.  Swagger follows and him into the announce table.  The Spanish announcers are gone now.  Hah!  They only had them out there to go old school and break their table.  Swagger keeps working the leg back in the ring.  Swagger hits a fucked up Samoan drop or a powerslam or something for 2.  Swagger throws Rey around some more and goes for the springboard Vader Bomb, but Mysterio avoids it and kicks Swagger in the head.  Mysterio hits the Bombs Away.  Swagger headbutts him in the middle.  Mysterio hits a headscissors that sends Swagger into the turnbuckle.  Mysterio hits a split legged moonsault for 2.  Swagger hits a wheelbarrow suplex for 2.  Swagger hits the Doctor Bomb, but Mysterio gets his foot on the bottom rope.  Swagger goes for the ankle, but Mysterio kicks him away.  Mysterio ranas Swagger into the post.  Swaggergoes for a powerslam off the middle rope, but Mysterio turns it into a DDT!  Cover, but Swagger kicks out!  Mysterio hits the 619 and goes for the West Coast Pop, but Swagger catches him and locks in the ankle lock.  Mysterio gets the ropes.  Swagger breaks, but hits the springboard Vader Bomb x2.  Swagger attacks the ankle again.  Mysterio loosens his boot.  Swagger applies the ankle lock again, but the boot slips off!  The boot trick!  Awesome!  Mysterio hits a Frankensteiner for the pin in 10:45.  Good match.  Awesome nod to Eddie vs. Angle from WrestleMania XX with the boot trick!  I always loved that spot.  Mysterio celebrates with the belt, but Swagger jumps him after the match and puts him back in the ankle lock.  Kane runs out to make the save and kicks Swagger’s ass to the back.  Mysterio celebrates again.  But wait, Kane is coming back with the Money In The Bank briefcase!

World Heavyweight Championship Match: Rey Mysterio Jr. (c) vs. Kane.  Mysterio tries to get away from Kane.  Kane attacks the injured ankle.  Kane hits the chokeslam and the Tombstone Piledriver for the pin in 53 seconds.  After 12 years, Kane is FINALLY World Champion again!  Good for him.  And it’s cool that they finally had someone cash in the Money In The Bank the night they won it.

Edge is backstage watching on a monitor.  Chris Jericho shows up.  They bicker and argue about which one of them is going to win the Raw Money In The Bank and cash it in tonight.

WWE Women’s Championship Match: Layla (c) (w/ Michelle McCool) vs. Kelly Kelly (w/ Tiffany).  They show LayCool’s recent attack on Kelly.  They lock up.  Layla powers Kelly into the corner.  The (worst) ref (in WWE) forces the break.  Kelly tackles Layla and kicks her ass.  Layla avoids the handspring elbow to the corner.  Kelly gets a victory roll for 2.  Kelly kicks Layla out of the ring.  Layla uses Finlay’s ring apron trick to trap Kelly’s leg and kick the crap out of it.  Layla baseball slide dropkicks Kelly into McCool at ringside, then sides her into the barricade.  Tiffany argues with LayCool.  McCool takes a cheap shot at Kelly.  Kelly shoves McCool over the barricade, then kicks Layla’s ass and throws her back into the ring.  Kelly is FIRED UP!  She gets a jackknife hold for 2.  Kelly hits the Fameasser, but Layla gets her foot on the bottom rope.  Tiffany and Kelly deck McCool.  Kelly goes back in and goes for a diving sunset flip, but Layla hooks her legs and gets the pin in 3:58.  This sucked.  Did you expect anything else?  Striker’s cooing over Layla is fucking obnoxious.

Please, Don’t Try This At Home!

Some National Guard folks are in the house!

The announcers plug SummerSlam slurpee cups.

Earlier tonight, the Smackdown Money In The Bank Ladder Match happened!

Money In The Bank Ladder Match: Randy Orton vs. WWE United States Champion The Miz vs. Mark Henry vs. Million Dollar Champion Ted Dibiase Jr. (w/ Maryse) vs. John Morrison vs. Chris Jericho vs. Evan Bourne vs. Edge.  Edge brings in a ladder before the match starts, then bails as soon as the bell rings.  Everybody else goes for the ladder and starts brawling.  Everybody else goes outside and Edge sneaks in to climb the ladder.  Orton cuts him off and takes him outside to kick his ass.  Dibiase picks up a ladder, but gets kicked by Morrison.  Dibiase clotheslines Morrison onto the ladder.  Dibiase knocks Morrison off the apron with the ladder.  Bourne dropkicks the ladder into Dibiase.  Miz nails Bourne and throws him out of the ring.  Miz tries to set up the ladder, but Jericho comes in and brawls with him.  Henry throws a ladder at them.  Henry squashes Miz against the middle rope.  Jericho nails Henry with a ladder, then throws it on him.  Bourne sets up a ladder.  Jericho comes at him with another ladder, but Bourne drops him.  Bourne sets up a ladder properly and climbs for the prize.  Edge cuts him off, but Bourne hits a rana to send Edge out of the ring.  Orton comes in and beats up Bourne.  Orton uses the ladder to hit the DDT OF MURDER!  Morrison hits the Flying Chuck on Orton.  Morrison stumbles and knocks over the ladder.  Dibiase comes in.  Morrison tries to suplex him, but Miz saves.  Miz and Dibiase stomp Morrison.  Morrison flapjacks Miz into a ladder, then drop toe holds Dibiase onto it.  Morrison climbs the ladder.  Edge climbs the other side.  Jericho sets up another ladder next them and climbs.  Orton climbs the opposite side of Jericho’s ladder.  Henry comes in and pushes both ladders over!  Bourne hits a springboard knee on Henry, then falls out of the ring.  Maryse checks on Dibiase, then decides to climb the ladder herself.  Morrison comes in and pulls her down, then orders her to the back.  Dibiase sneaks in and climbs the ladder, but Morrison cuts him off.  Awesome attempt at trickery there.  Dibiase charges Morrison in the corner with the ladder, but Morrison moves.  Outside, Miz nails Morrison with a ladder.  Edge climbs a ladder in the ring.  Morrison does a crazy bit falling on one ladder to the ladder Edge is on.  Edge traps Morrison in the ladder.  Edge and Miz ram another ladder into Morrison, then Edge nails Miz with it.  Edge pushes the ladder over with Morrison inside it.  Dibiase comes in and hits Edge with another ladder.  Dibiase sets a ladder up upside down for some reason.  Jericho tries to bring in another ladder, but Dibiase takes it from him and nails him and Orton with it.  Dibiase rams Edge into his weird ladder structure and climbs up the normal ladder.  Henry cuts him off.  Dibiase dives at Henry, but Henry catches him and hits the World’s Strongest Slam.  Henry knocks a ladder into Jericho, then press slams Miz onto the ladder and Jericho.  Henry climbs the ladder.  Bourne jumps on his back, but Henry keeps climbing.  So Big Show can’t climb the ladder, but Henry can climb it with Bourne on his back?  Does show way 700 lbs or something?  Edge and Orton cut Henry off, but Bourne almost reaches the briefcase.  Edge and Orton launch him outside at Henry, who hits the World’s Strongest Slam.  Morrison lands a kick on Henry.  Jericho hits the Codebreaker.  Edge hits the spear.  Orton, Morrison, Edge, Jericho, and Miz all climb.  Dibiase tries to cut them off, but gets kicked out of the ring.  Dibiase adds another ladder to make a bridge.  Miz takes a bump into it.  Dibiase stands on the bridge.  Edge and Orton bring him down onto the ladder and throw him out of the ring.  Orton hits the RKO on Edge.  Jericho kicks Orton to send him outside.  Jericho and Morrison fight on top of the ladder.  Jericho gets his leg stuck in the ladder.  Orton hits the RKO on Morrison.  Bourne hits the Shooting Star press on Orton.  Bourne climbs the ladder while Jericho dangles from it.  Bourne almost gets the briefcase, but Jericho cuts him off and swings the briefcase into his face.  Edge climbs up to fight Jericho.  Orton hits Jericho with an RKO off the ladder!  Orton knocks Edge off into Dibiase’s wacky ladder set up deal, then climbs the ladder.  Miz comes in and pushes the ladder over.  Miz climbs the ladder and takes down the briefcase to win it in 20:27.  Another wild match, but not as good as the Smackdown one.  Miz is emotional over the win.  He cuts a promo about this being his moment and him being awesome.

The Criss Angel: Mindfreak commercial airs again.

SummerSlam hype video.

John Cena/Sheamus video package.

Steel Cage Match for the WWE Championship: Sheamus (c) vs. John Cena.  They lock up.  Sheamus tries to ram Cena’s head into the cage, but fails.  Sheamus pounds on Cena and finally succeeds in ramming his head into the cage.  Cover gets 2.  Cena tackles Sheamus and pounds on him.  Sheamus catches Cena with an elbow smash.  Sheamus beats up Cena some more and grinds his face into the cage.  Cena hits his whack Fisherman buster.  They trade punches.  Cena hits a shoulder block.  Sheamus ducks him and sends him into the cage.  Cover gets 2.  Sheamus hits the reverse DDT backbreaker for 2.  Sheamus tries to climb out of the cage, but Sheamus cuts him off.  They fight on the top rope.  Cena hits a superplex for 2.  Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Sheamus counters into a DDT for 2.  Sheamus hits the Polish hammer for 2.  Repeat.  Cena ducks a third attempt and fights back, but Sheamus locks in a sleeper hold.  Cena suffers for a bit, then stands  up and starts climbing the cage with Sheamus on his back.  Sheamus lets go and pulls Cena down.  Cover gets 2.  Sheamus knees Cena in the face, then chokes him with his boot.  Sheamus climbs the cage.  Cena pulls him down.  Cena makes his standard comeback.  He goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Sheamus grabs the cage and starts climbing.  Cena rams Sheamus’ head into the cage to send him crashing to the mat.  Cena is cut, but it’s not bleeding.  It must be an old cut.  He goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle off of the top, but Sheamus moves to avoid it.  Sheamus ties up Cena in the ropes and pounds on him.  Sheamus climbs over Cena.  Cena breaks free and stops Sheamus from escaping.  Cena hits a bulldog off the top rope for 2.  Sheamus hits the uranage backbreaker, then nails Sheamus with the pump kick for 2.  Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment out of nowhere for 2.  The Nexus come out.  Michael Tarver has bolt cutters.  A referee takes them and runs away.  The Nexus demand the key to the door, but Jack Doan throws it into the crowd.  Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment again, but Sheamus counters and sends Cena into the ref.  The ref is dead from a shot that wouldn’t put down a grandmother for more than a few seconds.  Cena locks in the STF.  Sheamus taps, but the ref is dead.  Cena tries to escape, but members of the Nexus climb up to meet him.  Cena sends Justin Gabriel to the mat.  The Nexus members stop Cena from escaping.  Sheamus climbs up the other side, nails Heath Slater, and drops the floor to win it in 23:01.  The match was fine, but not especially exciting.  Sheamus runs out through the crowd.  Cena is pissed.  He throws Darren Young into the cage, then nails Tarver with a three point clothesline.  I guess the rest of the Nexus ran after Sheamus.  Cena nails Tarver with the ring steps.  He yells “I told you I’d take every one of you out!”  Cena takes Tarver’s armband and leaves.

Pretty good show altogether.  The ladder matches were great, and aside from the shitty women’s matches, nothing on the show was bad.

WWE Monday Night Raw 3/8/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 8, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open, cut straight to the arena.  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are on commentary.

The Undertaker comes to the ring.  He talks about Shawn Michaels’ obsession with him.  Undertaker says at WrestleMania, Michaels’ career will “Rest… In…”  Michaels comes out.  Michaels says Undertaker fears him, and that’s why he appeared on the screen to distract Michaels and caused him to lose last week.  They go on, and agree to make the Mania match No DQ and No Count-Outs.  Undertaker says Shawn won’t be “Mr. WrestleMania” this year.  Shawn says he’ll end the streak.

Tonight, Legacy EXPLODES!  Plus, Mr. McMahon takes on John Cena!

Gail Kim, Kelly Kelly, & Eve Torres vs. WWE Divas Champion Maryse, Alicia Fox, & Katie Lea Burchill.  Jobber entrance for the heel divas.  Gail and Alicia do stuff.  Gail clotheslines Katie Lea off of the apron.  Alicia decks Gail, rams her into Maryse’s boot, then tags in Maryse.  Maryse hits a backbreaker for 2.  Maryse decks Kelly, then taunts Maryse.  Maryse decks her and tags in Eve.  Eve hits a dropkick for 2, then hits her senton, but Katie and Alicia save.  Gail and Kelly dropkick them.  Eve locks Maryse in a flying cross armbreaker for the win in 3:02.  Whatever.

Triple H talks TONIGHT!  Plus, Criss Angel is the guest host!

The guest host, Criss Angel, talks to Hornswoggle.  The Bella Twins come in.  They want to be his assistants.  He says he doesn’t use twins.  Angel puts a string in his mouth, then pulls it out of his nose.  Gross.  Jillian Hall comes in and sings.  Angel makes her lose her voice.  THANK YOU!

Show Miz are headed our way!  They’re going to face their WrestleMania opponents NEXT!  Yes, they’re giving away a match on free TV that you’re supposed to want to pay money for.

Slam of the Week: Last week on Smackdown, John Morrison & R-Truth won a #1 Contenders Match for the Tag titles at WrestleMania.

ShowMiz comes out.  Miz cuts a promo, saying Morrison and Truth don’t deserve to face them at WrestleMania.

Non-Title: Unified WWE Tag Team Champions The Big Show & WWE United States Champion The Miz vs. John Morrison & R-Truth.  Miz and Truth start.  Morrison slides across the ring and kicks Show.  They clothesline Miz out of the ring and hit a double baseball slide dropkick.  The referee throws it out at the 35 second mark.  Show goes after them, but they drop him with a double DDT, then front suplex Miz across the barricade.  Morrison talks, then Truth says “That’s what’s up!”

Legacy explodes TONIGHT!  Plus, McMahon vs. Cena.  We’ll hear from Cena NEXT!

WrestleMania is 20 days away!

Cena/Batista video package.

Josh Matthews interviews John Cena.  He says he can’t beat Batista, so he’s going to beat him.  Okay.  Cena says he’s counting on Batista interfering tonight.

Evan Bourne thanks Criss Angel for giving him a Money In The Bank Qualifying Match against William Regal.  Skip Sheffield and William Regal come in.  Regal tells Bourne he’ll see him in the ring.  Sheffield wants Angel to do a magic trick.  He tells Regal to write a number down and hold it against his chest.  He “reads Regal’s mind” to figure out the number.  Sheffield says Regal owes him a Travis Tritt CD.

Legacy dissension video package.

Handicap Match: Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase Jr. vs. Randy Orton.  Orton jumps them from behind during their entrance.  Commercials, then the match starts.  Orton and Rhodes fight.  Rhodes gets beaten up and tags in Dibiase.  Dibiase gets beat up and tags Rhodes back in.  Dibiase gets a cheap shot in and they beat up Orton.  Orton backdrops Rhodes out of the ring.  Dibiase tries to get Orton from behind, but gets caught and bails.  Commercials.  Orton keeps beating them both up.  Dibiase pulls Orton out of the ring and dropkicks him.  Back in the ring, Orton gets beaten up.  Orton makes his comeback, snap powerslamming both of them.  3.0 on Dibiase.  Orton looks up at the WrestleMania sign, then does the “stalking fore the RKO bit.”  Rhodes tries to get him in a hold, but fails.  Dibiase hits the Dream Street on Orton for the pin in about 11 minutes.  It was fine, I guess.  I have to be honest, I flipped the iMPACT! just for a second a few times to see what was going on.  Man, I feel like I’ve been transported back to 1997.  Rhodes hits the Cross Rhodes on Orton, then he and Dibiase do Orton’s pose.  It’s a new day indeed.

Batista watches TV backstage.  Josh Matthews comes in to interview him.  Batista gives his word as WWE Champion that he won’t interfere in the match tonight.  He’s dressed to wrestle, but he randomly is a lot of the time.  And he has a nose ring now.  Gay.

Triple H is headed our way!

Stone Cold Steve Austin will be the guest host next week!

WWE.com hype.

Triple H comes out.  They show Sheamus attacking him last week.  Triple H says he kind of respects what Sheamus did last week.  Sheamus comes out.  Sheamus challenges him to a match at WrestleMania.  Without mentioning names, Triple H talks about getting squashed by the Ultimate Warrior at WrestleMania XII.  He talks about rising to the top and becoming the guy people tried to make their name against at WrestleMania.  Some succeeded, more failed.  I’m not sure if that’s accurate.  They fight.  Triple H clotheslines Sheamus out of the ring.  Sheamus pulls him out and kicks his ass.  Triple H avoids the pump kick and clotheslines him over the barricade into the timekeeper’s position.  Sheamus tries to get away, but Triple H jumps him from behind.  Sheamus rallies, rams Triple H into the announce table, and throws him in the ring.  Triple H hits the spinebuster.  Sheamus bails.  I guess it’s official.

Santino Marella talks to Criss Angel.  Santino says funny things and does the disappearing thumb thing.  Angel does a magic trick involving styrofoam cups and a sushi knife.

Justin Roberts introduces the Money In The Bank Qualifying Match.  Christian (w/ Heath Slater) has joined the commentary team for this match.

Money In The Bank Qualifying Match: Evan Bourne vs. William Regal (w/ Skip Sheffield).  Regal kicks Bourne’s ass, and it’s good.  Bourne responds with kicks.  Regal murders him with a forearm.  Regal hits some suplex for 2.  Regal hits an Exploder, makes sure Sheffield is watching, and goes for the knee trembler.  Bourne knees him in the face and hits the Shooting Star press for the pin in 1:28.  Bourne is going to WrestleMania!  Christian says he’ll win Money In The Bank this year.

Cena vs. Vince TONIGHT!

Undertaker/Michaels video package.

WrestleMania Recall: Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg with Stone Cold Steve Austin as the referee at WrestleMania XX.  Man, that match was a fucking abortion.  Stone Cold guest hosts next week!

Cole and Lawler hype the Mania card.

“Last Monday” video with Vince and Bret Hart.

Vince McMahon is headed our way!  He looks small.

Next week is WrestleMania Rewind week, including John Cena vs. Big Show, Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho, and Triple H vs. Randy Orton, PLUS Bret and Vince sign the contract for WrestleMania.

Justin Roberts introduces Criss Angel.  He talks a bit, then does intros for the main event.  Vince cuts a promo on Bret Hart before the match, then makes the match a Handicap Gauntlet Match…

Handicap Gauntlet Match: John Cena vs. Vince McMahon & others.  Vladimir Kozlov beats up Cena, then tags in Vince.  Vince covers Cena for 2.  McMahon calls Drew McIntyre out.  McIntyre beats up Cena, then tags in Vince again.  Vince again covers for 2.  Vince calls in Jack Swagger.  I’m having to go back and add these names.  Commercials.  Cena is making a comeback.  He goes for the Attitude Adjustment on Swagger, but Swagger counters with an amateur hold.  Now it’s just Swagger and McMahon.  I’m confused.  Swagger hits 2 Vader Bombs and tags in McMahon.  Vince still can’t put Cena away.  He calls out Mark Henry.  Henry reluctantly hits the World’s Strongest Slam and tags in Vince.  Vince still can’t pin Cena.  Vince grabs the ring bell and makes the match No DQ.  Henry doesn’t want to let him use it.  Vince orders Henry to use it.  Batista appears and spears Mark Henry, then kicks him out of the ring.  Kofi Kingston hits the ring and runs wild on Batista.  Batista powerbombs Kingston out of the corner.  Cena cleans house on Batista, then turns his attention to Vince.  Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Batista spears Cena again.  Batista hits the Batista Bomb.  Vince finally pins Cena in 11:19 or so (no bell).  What a Russo-riffic clusterfuck.  Batista stands over Cena and yells to close the show.

Man, THIS is the show they put against Impact?  They have even less faith in TNA’s ability to draw viewers than I do.

WWE Monday Night Raw 3/1/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 1, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open, Raw open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are our hosts LIVE from Oklahoma City!  Tonight, Bret Hart’s Farewell, plus Randy Orton vs. Ted Dibiase Jr.

Shawn Michaels comes out.  They show him screwing The Undertaker at Elimination Chamber and the making of their WrestleMania match last week.  Michaels says the guys in the locker room think he’s crazy for putting his career on the line.  He challenges anyone to come out and tell him he can’t win.  Triple H comes out.  Triple H says he “knows” Shawn can beat Undertaker at WrestleMania.  He says Shawn is the best he’s ever been in the ring with.  He says Shawn is Mr. WrestleMania, and though the Road To WrestleMania always takes them down different paths, but DX will never die.  He says he’s invoked their rematch clause for the tag titles tonight.  Shawn takes some convincing, but agrees.

The guest hosts, Cheech and Chong, admire their office.  The Bella Twins come in and slut up to them.  They take Cheech on a tour of the backstage while Chong sits down.  Hornswoggle comes in with a box of lucky charms with his face on them.  Chong eats some and starts tripping.  Phony shit ensues

Orton vs. Dibiase is NEXT!

Slam of the Week: The implosion of Legacy last week.

Randy Orton vs. Ted Dibiase Jr.  They start brawling.  Does nobody lock up anymore?  Orton avoids a superplex attempt.  Dibiase dropkicks him, then throws him out of the ring.  Orton fights back and Dibiase bails.  Commercials.  Dibiase puts the boots to Orton.  Dibiase KICKS ORTON IN THE HEAD for 2.  Dibiase kills Orton with a lariat for 2.  They trade blows.  Orton his a snap powerslam.  “VINTAGE ORTON!”  Garvin stomp by Orton.  Orton stalks Dibiase for the RKO.  Cody Rhodes runs out.  Orton swings at him.  Dibiase gets a reverse cradle for 2.  Orton reverses it for 2.  Rhodes runs in and Orton attacks him, so the ref throws it out in 9:02.  I guess Orton wins by DQ.  Rhodes and Dibiase try to do a number on Orton, but he fights them both off.  He tries to give Rhodes the DDT OF MURDER again, but Dibiase pulls him to safety.  Most of the match was commercials, but what aired was fine.

DX vs. Show Miz TONIGHT!

Bret Hart (w/ broken leg) has arrived!

Chong is giving Eve a massage.  He wants to book a Divas Pajama Pillow Fight.  Cheech says he’s having a sugar trip.  He was running his hands through William Regal’s hair.  He thinks Chris Masters is Kelly Kelly.  And Masters has a girl voice.  Hornswoggle tries to give them more cereal.  They both start tripping.  Fuck.

“Last Monday…” video of the John Cena/Batista happenings.  Tonight… CONFRONTATION!

WWE Rewind: Last week, Christian beat Carlito to qualify for Money In The Bank.

Money In The Bank Qualifying Match: Jack Swagger vs. Santino Marella.  Santino shines, then Swagger hits the Doctor Bomb for the pin in 27 seconds.

Batista (in his gay S&M outfit) is headed our way!

Undertaker/Shawn Michaels video package.

WWE bullshit fact of the week.

John Cena comes out.  He talks about Batista.  He calls out Batista.  Batista comes out.  The WWE Champion is such a tough guy that he’s flanked by security and is dressed like a gay biker.  Cena totally calls him on it.  Batista uses the bitch excuse that the security is there to protect Cena.  Batista says he wants to face Cena at WrestleMania, that’s why he gave him the shot last week.  He’s mad that Cena is WWE’s poster boy instead of him.  Cena talks about how he works hard and Batista shows up late and shit.  Batista says he’s just here to make money.  They go on.  Batista says deep down, Cena knows he can’t beat him.

Bret Hart’s Farewell is still to come!  Plus, DX vs. Show Miz!

WWE.com plug.

Cheech and Chong have forced Chavo Guerrero Jr. to wear a sombrero and a fake mustache.  Carlito, Primo, Katie Lea Burchill, and Yoshi Tatsu are wearing fake mustaches.  Santino Marella brings in a chicken.

Money In The Bank Ladder Match: Zack Ryder (w/ Rosa Mendez) vs. Montel Vontavious Porter.  Jobber entrance for Ryder.  Ryder starts with a kick to the gut.  Does nobody lock up anymore?  MVP kicks his ass and hits the Ballin’ elbow.  Playmaker gets the pin in 46 seconds.  Wow.

Divas eye candy pseudo match is NEXT!

WrestleMania is 27 days away!

Justin Roberts introduces the guest hosts, Cheech and Chong.  They’re hilarious, then they introduce the divas.

Pajama Pillow Fight: Gail Kim vs. Kelly Kelly vs. Eve Torres vs. WWE Divas Champion Maryse vs. Jillian Hall vs. Alicia Fox.  Everybody hits Maryse with pillows.  Jillian runs wild on everyone.  This is a tag match, isn’t it?  Kelly makes Hall eat a pillow, then hits her fucked up leg drop for 2.  Maryse gets a 2 count on Kelly.  Gail gives Maryse the Regal cutter.  Okay, so this isn’t a tag match, even though they had team entrances.  Hot chicks do stuff.  Gail hits her move on Alicia.  Gail gets sent out of the ring.  Eve hits a senton on Alicia for the pin in 1:56.  Hornswoggle comes out to give Cheech and Chong more cereal.  Alrighty.

The next Hall of Fame inductee is Mad Dog Vachon!  He’ll be inducted by Pat Patterson.

Bret Hart’s Farewell is NEXT!

Cole and Lawler hype the WrestleMania card.

Justin Roberts starts to introduce Bret Hart, but Vince McMahon comes out instead.  Vince introduces Bret, who hobbles out on his crutch.  They show the shit that happened 2 weeks ago.  Vince says he had nothing to do with the bimbo breaking Bret’s leg.  Bret doesn’t believe him, and tells him to get lost.  Vince brings up Bret calling him the World Champion Liar, and says he was lying about asking Bret to come here for his farewell.  McMahon screwed Bret.  Whatever.  Vince brings up the challenge Bret made to him.  Bret replies that he’s incapacitated.  Bret has wanted to fight Vince for 13 years.  Vince tries to goad Bret into accepting the match.  Bret says he can’t wrestle.  Vince says Bret has no heart (pun intended).  He calls Bret a coward, then kicks his crutch out from under him.  Vince somehow lost his show in that.  I didn’t catch how.  Vince continues calling Bret a coward.  Bret agrees to the match.  Vince says next week, he’ll take on John Cena.  Huh?

The main event is NEXT!

Next week’s guest host is Criss Angel.  Plus. Randy Orton takes on Rhodes and Dibiase in a Handicap Match and Vince McMahon takes on John Cena.

Unified WWE Tag Team Championship Match: The Big Show & WWE United States Champion The Miz (c) vs. DX.  Show tosses Michaels around to start.  Miz tags in and puts the boots to him.  Kick to the head gets 2.  Show tags in and jabs a ham-sized fist into Michaels’ middle.  Show applies a bear hug.  Michaels fights out, tries the superkick, avoids the chokeslam, and makes the hot tag to Triple H.  Triple H hits the knee facebuster and the spinebuster, then goes for the Pedigree.  Miz interrupts and gets a spinebuster.  Show chokeslams Triple H.  Michaels superkicks Show.  They tease a double KO, but both make it to their feet.  Miz and Michaels tag in.  Michaels hits the flying jalapeno, nips up, chops, slam, diving elbow drop.  Shawn sets up the superkick.  Undertaker appears on the screen and distracts Michaels.  He tries to superkick Miz, but Miz surprises him with a jackknife hold for the pin in 4:30.

Triple H tries to help Michaels up.  Michaels says “Don’t touch me” and leaves.  Sheamus comes in from the crowd and attacks Triple H, pump kicking his head into the announce table.  He pump kicks Triple H a second time, sending him across the announce table.  Sheamus stands tall as the show closes.

This was a shitty wrestling show, but it’s doing a great job of hyping WrestleMania, so I have no complaints.