Archive for Casket Match

TNA iMPACT! 12/9/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2010 by Grappleholic

Video package of recent goings on.

“Immortal Ups The Ante”

Earlier Today: Eric Bischoff bitches at Immortal in the office.  Present are Ric Flair, AJ Styles, Kazarian, Beer Money, Gunner & Murphy, Jeff Jarrett, and Abyss.  Bischoff demands that they win championships.  He bitches at Styles for losing the TV title at the PPV.  Rhino comes in asking for his new contract.  Bischoff writes “NO!” on a sheet of paper.  Poor Rhino.  He goes after Bischoff, but is jumped by Immortal.

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

The aforementioned members of Immortal come out to the ring.  Bischoff introduces TNA World Heavyweight Champion Jeff Hardy, who comes out to his awful music, carrying his disgustingly ugly belt.  The crowd hates on this shit.  Bischoff gets butt hurt.  He puts over Matt Morgan and asks for him to come out.  Morgan does indeed come out, carrying a lead pipe for backup.  Bischoff promises fair play and kisses Morgan’s ass some more.  He blames Mr. Anderson’s refereeing for Morgan losing the match.  Bischoff books Morgan vs. Anderson in a #1 Contender Match.  Morgan says Anderson still isn’t cleared to wrestle.  Bischoff doesn’t care.  He says if Anderson doesn’t wrestle, he’s gone.

Ken Anderson is watching TV backstage!

iMPACT! open.  15 minutes into the show.

Tonight, Tara performs music.  Jeff Jarrett issues an open MMA challenge.  Doug Williams defends the TV title against Abyss.

Brother Ray cuts a promo to no one in particular backstage.  He has a fake Devon.

They show Taylor Wilde & Hamada beating Velvet Sky & Lacey Von Erich for the TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship months ago, then announce that the titles have been vacated because Hamada couldn’t make it into the country.  What really happened is they released her without having her come in to drop the belts, because they’re retarded.  Tonight, a tournament for the vacant title begins, with Sarita & Daffney (random) against the Beautiful People.

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

The New Team 3D(?) vs. Ink Inc.  “3D” jump Ink Inc. before the bell.  It settles down into Bubba beating up Moore.  “Devon” tags in and continues beating up Moore.  “Devon” hits an elbow smash for 2.  Bubba tags in.  Moore tries a sunset flip.  Bubba tries to sit on him, but Moore avoids certain death.  “Devon” tags in, slams Moore, and goes for a headbutt, per Bubba’s instructions.  Moore avoids it and makes the hot tag to Neal.  Neal runs wild on the fake Devon and decks Bubba for good measure.  Neal hits a face plant thing for 2.  Moore hits a leg drop.  Neal covers, but Bubba saves.  Clusterfuck ensues.  “3D” hit the WASSUP headbutt on Neal.  Bubba tells “Devon” to get the tables.  Why do they do that in standard matches when they would be DQ’d?  They set up a table.  Ink Inc. make their comeback and hit the TKO/blockbuster on “Devon.”  Neal gets the pin in 4:40.  Pointless crap.  Bubba attacks “Devon” and set up a powerbomb through the table.  The real Brother Devon runs out to make the save.  Bubba runs away and hides behind So Cal Val again.

Tara sings horribly backstage.  She wants Generation Me to take their shirts off and be her backup dancers.

Matt Morgan asks Christy Hemme where Mr. Anderson is.  She doesn’t know.  Of course.

Tara lip syncs her entrance music while Generation Me dance like gay strippers who don’t know how to dance.  Tara dances like a tard to add to the hilarity.  Mickie James finally appears and attacks her.  GenMe hold her to Tara can hit her.  Eric Young makes the save and runs GenMe off.  Mickie and Tara roll down the ramp.  The music is still playing.  Security geeks  break them up with much difficulty.  Mickie challenges Tara to a Steel Cage Match TONIGHT!  Tara agrees.  Then they try to fight again through the security geeks.  Ugh.

Beer Money give Gunner & Murphy a pep talk backstage.  Roode gives Storm money to buy beer.

Tonight, Williams vs. Abyss!  Next, Gunner & Murphy against the Machine Guns!

Jeff Jarrett talks to no one in particular backstage.

Non-Title: Gunner & Murphy vs. TNA World Tag Team Champions The Motor City Machine Guns.  Beer Money come out to do commentary.  Gunner and Murphy jump the Guns from behind.  They get the heat on Shelley.  Sabin gets the hot tag and runs wild.  The Guns go for the Skull & Bones on Murphy.  Gunner hits Sabin with a nightstick to cause the DQ in 3:39.  The Guns beat the shit out of Gunner & Murphy with their own nightsticks.

The Beautiful People are doing their makeup.  Of course.  Winter comes in to wish Angelina good luck.  Velvet doesn’t know who she is, because she apparently never watches the TV show.

Sarita & Daffney are headed our way!

Matt Morgan and Mr. Anderson chat backstage.  Anderson says he’s going to wrestle.  They argue about concussions.  It goes on for way too long.

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship Tournament – Semifinal: Sarita & Daffney vs. The Beautiful People.  Sarita cuts a promo on Velvet before the match.  Velvet spears her to start the match, then does that head push into the mat crap.  Velvet gets a schoolgirl for 2.  Velvet hits a face plant for 2.  Velvet applies a Fujiwara armbar of all things.  Daffney distracts Velvet, allowing Sarita to gain the advantage and talk shit.  Daffney tags in and hits a delayed body slam, then steps on Velvet’s face.  Cover gets 2.  Sarita tags in and taunts Velvet some more.  Velvet fights back.  Double clothesline spot.  Tags to Angelina and Daffney.  Angelina runs wild and hits the Flatliner for the pin in 3:23.  This sucked.  Sarita talks more about Velvet being unable to beat her.  She’s a horrible promo and her dance is obnoxious.

Some dudes carry a casket around backstage.

Tara/Mickie James video package.  Tonight, they meet in a cage!

Highlights of the Abyss/Pope Casket match at Final Resolution.

The “some dudes” I mentioned earlier carry out a casket.  The casket opens and music plays.  A church choir comes out and dances around the casket.  The Pope speaks from somewhere.  He says he’s had a spiritual awakening.  He babbles about Christmas trees and begs for donations, because he’s pimpin’.  The dancing choir leaves.

AJ Styles gives Abyss a pep talk backstage.

Tonight, Mickie vs. Tara in a cage!  Next, Abyss vs. Williams!

House shows.

Footage from TNA’s visit to Abu Dhabi.

Mickie James talks to no one in particular backstage.  You can hear Eric Bischoff ranting in the background.  I’m pretty sure it’s his opening promo.  So Mickie was cutting a promo about this match before it was booked.  Keep that great continuity going, TNA.

TNA World Television Championship Match: Doug Williams (c) vs. Abyss.  They lock up.  Abyss shoves Williams away.  Repeat.  Williams tries to whip Abyss, but fails.  Williams lands a dropkick and some punches in the corner.  Williams applies a cravat.  He lets it go like an idiot and charges into a big boot.  Abyss frightens the referee out of the ring and beats on Williams.  Abyss cranks Williams’ neck.  The referee is back in now.  Williams tries a sunset flip, then avoids getting squashed.  Exactly the same spot somebody did in an earlier match.  Williams makes his comeback and hits a diving European uppercut for 2.  Williams goes for the Chaos Theory.  Abyss rips off a turnbuckle pad to avoid it.  Abyss back body drops Williams and charges the corner.  Williams avoids it and Abyss hits the exposed turnbuckle.  Williams gets a schoolboy for the pin in 3:40.  I thought the finish was kind of neat.  AJ Styles jumps Williams from behind and gives him the Styles Clash on the ramp.  How dastardly!

Jeff Jarrett is headed our way!

Tara talks to no one in particular backstage.  Generation Me say they want Eric Young & Orlando Jordan next week.  I dread that.

Jeff Jarrett comes out to cut a promo and gets butt hurt by the “YOU SOLD OUT!” chants.  He cuts his promo and issues and issues a “Double J Double M A Challenge” to the audience, for $100,000.  Jeremy Borash selects a jacked looking dude.  Jarrett accuses him of being on the gas.  He also refuses a fat guy.  Jarrett selects a skinny geek.  The guy’s name is Mike, from Brooklyn.  Jarrett makes fun of him and slaps him

$100,000 MMA Challenge: Jeff Jarrett vs. Mike.  Jarrett lands some knees, then stomps Mike.  Crowd chants “LET’S GO MIKE!”  Jarrett applies a rear naked choke for the win in 41 seconds.  Yeah…

A steel cage is headed our way!  Mickie vs. Tara is NEXT!

Rob Van Dam video package.

Steel Cage Match: Mickie James vs. Tara.  Of course, since it’s a STEEL CAGE MATCH, they start by brawling outside.  They finally get in the cage to start the match.  Insta-commercials 6 seconds in.  Tara hits a fancy spinning rack drop for 2.  THOSE FUCKING MUTANTS ARE DOING ALTERNATING CHANTS AGAIN.  Grr.  Mickie makes a comeback.  Mickie hits a basement dropkick for 2.  Tara sends Mickie into the turnbuckle, then hits a snap suplex into a front face lock.  Mickie fights out.  Tara beats her up.  Mickie goes for a rana, but fails and gets kicked in the face.  Mickie fights back and rams Tara’s head into the turnbuckle.  Mickie hits a half assed rana off the top rope.  Ugly looking bump for both of them.  Tara revives first and beats up Mickie.  Tara tries to escape through the door.  Mickie stops her and beats on her.  The show ends.  Of course.

Typical crap.  I’m glad it’s over.

TNA Final Resolution 2010

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 13, 2010 by Grappleholic

Opening video, then the screen goes dark for several seconds, despite there being sound.  Oh, TNA…  We finally get a still screen advertising the PPV.  Finally we get crappy TNA pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

TNA World Tag Team Championship #1 Contenders Match: Ink Inc. vs. Beer Money.  They show the finish of that clusterfuck four-way tag match on TV last week, where Moore pinned Roode.  Storm attacks Neal, whose mohawk is especially ridiculous tonight.  Neal rallies.  Ink Inc. double team Beer Money, who bail.  Back inside, Moore schoolboys Storm for 2, then hits an arm drag.  Storm accidentally knocks Roode off the apron.  Moore continues to shine.  Roode tries to make a save and accidentally hits Storm.  Ink Inc. double team Storm.  Moore hip tosses Neal into a senton on Storm for 2.  Roode pulls Neal down by his mowhawk.  Storm hits a Codebreaker.  Roode tags in and beats up Neal.  Roode decks Moore on the apron, enticing him to distract the referee so they can double team his partner.  Storm chokes Neal with his wrist tape.  Beer Money double team Neal.  Moore politely distracts the referee for them again.  Neal continues to play face in peril.  Moore gets the hot tag and runs wild.  Moore hits a flippy bulldog on Moore.  Storm saves.  Neal throws him out, then clotheslines Roode out of the ring.  Roode prevens Moore from hitting an Asai moonsault.  Moore rallies and cleans house on the outside.  Neal hits a slingshot dive on Storm.  Moore connects with his Asai moonsault on Roode, then rides around on Storm’s boozer cruiser.  Back inside, Ink Inc. double team Roode.  They go for the fireman carry/blockbuster combo, but Storm intervenes and sends Moore to the floor.  Neal tries a spear, but runs into Storm’s superkick.  Beer Money hit the DWI and Roode pins Neal in 10:43.  Good match.

Tenay and Taz talk about tonight’s card.

Christy Hemme interviews TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne about a match she’s not in.  Rayne is more concerned with her reflection in the title belt.

Mickie James/Tara hype video.

Falls Count Anywhere Match: Tara vs. Mickie James.  Tara wants to start the match outside, so they do.  They brawl at ringside.  Tara gets crotched on the guardrail.  Cover gets 2.  In the ring, Mickie hits a missile dropkick for 2.  A rope break in a Falls Count Anywhere Match.  Of course.  Tara pounds on Mickie.  I have to admit, this brawl is pretty intense.  Tara rams Mickie into the post, knocking her off the apron.  Mickie goes under the ring and sneaks  up behind Tara, delivering a dropkick that knocks her to the floor.  Mickie hits a baseball slide dropkick.  Mickie gets whipped into the guardrail and falls like a sack of bricks.  It looked painful.  They brawl in the crowd.  Tara gets a near fall after sending Mickie into some chairs.  Mickie whips Tara into a metal something or other.  Mickie chokes the shit out of Tara.  Ouch.  They brawl backstage.  Mickie sprays water on Tara.  Tara chops Mickie on her stomach.  Ouch.  Tara goes for a move, but Mickie back body drops her onto concrete for 2.  They’re brawling outside now.  Mickie gets a schoolgirl on top of a sewer cover for 2.  They’re back in the concession area.  Mickie hits a diving Thesz press off of some crap for 2.  They go into the mens’ bathroom.  There’s ladies in the mens’ bafrooms!  There’s a guy peeing in there!  There’s another guy taking the Browns to the SuperBowl.  They both bail.  Madison Rayne appears out of a stall, sprays Mickie with a fire extinguisher, and hits her with the title belt.  Tara gets the pin in 10:27.  Fun brawl.  Why was Madison waiting in the mens’ room?

Christy Hemme interviews the Shore tards, TNA X Division Champion Robbie E. and Cookie.  Ugh.  Robbie is an idiot.  Cookie is a bitch.  That’s the story.

X Factors.

TNA X Division Championship Match: Robbie E. (c) (w/ Cookie) vs. Jay Lethal.  Cookie is supposed to be placed in a shark cage and lifted above the ring, but she refuses.  Lethal beats up Robbie.  SHARK BOY appears and puts Cookie in the cage!  The match finally starts.  Lethal continues beating up Robbie.  Robbie bails.  Lethal beats him up on the outside.  Back inside, Lethal hits a missile dropkick for 2.  Lethal crotches Robbie on the top rope.  Cookie screams a lot, which is annoying.  Lethal continues kicking ass.  Robbie sends him into the turnbuckles to get the advantage, then pounds on him.  Robbie gets the heat, but wastes time dancing like a tard at Cookie.  Lethal fights back.  Robbie hits a neat move for 2.  Robbie applies a sleeper hold.  Lethal finally manages to escape and fights back.  Lethal hits the handspring elbow and the Lethal Combination for 2.  Lethal jumps over Robbie a lot, then they collide.  Cookie throws a chain down to Robbie.  The referee catches it.  Cookie throws Robbie the hair spray.  Lethal takes it away, sprays it on Robbie’s face, and hits the Lethal Injection.  Hebner DQs Lethal in 8:09.  Damn!  Okay match.  The fuck finish works in context.  Lethal argues with the referee.  Cookie is released from the cage.  I wish Robbie was in WWE, just because it’d be great if he was one of those guys who everyone beats the shit out of in the Royal Rumble.  Cookie celebrates with the belt.  Shark Boy comes out again.  Cookie slaps him.  Sharkie gives her a Stunner!  Yay Shark Boy!

Christy Hemme interviews Tommy Dreamer about a match he’s not in.

RVD/Rhino hype video.

First Blood Match: Rhino vs. Rob Van Dam.  RVD decks Rhino before the bell, but the camera idiots completely miss the shot.  RVD sends Rhino outside, then poses.  Rhino kicks his ass.  RVD kicks Rhino’s ass in turn.  RVD goes up top, but Rhino cuts him off and beats on him.  RVD knocks Rhino off the apron with a springboard kick, then points his thumbs at himself and hits a baseball slide dropkick.  RVD hits the MOTHERFUCKING GUARDRAIL LEG DROP~!  They brawl at ringside.  They brawl in the ring.  Crowd chants for tables.  Rhino hits a Gore that RVD does an awesome 360 sell for.  Rhino throws in a trash can and 2 lids.  RVD avoids the shot and punches him.  Rhino h its a belly to belly suplex.  Rhino wedges the trash can between the turnbuckles, then hits RVD with a spinebuster.  RVD kicks Rhino in the head.  He goes for the lids, which fall out of the ring for some reason.  RVD hits a twisting leg drop, then brings one of the lids back in.  RVD hits a diving kick and the Five Star Frog Splash.  Why do that in a First Blood match?  RVD tries to use the trash can, but gets hit in the balls.  Rhino hits a DDT.  Rhino goes for a piledriver on the lid, but RVD flips out and hits the Van Daminator with the lid.  RVD hits the Van Terminator with the trash can.  Rhino is bleeding, so RVD wins in 12:25.  This was all right.

Christy Hemme interviews Kazarian about a match he’s not in.

TNA World Television Championship Match: AJ Styles (c) vs. Doug Williams.  They lock up.  Styles backs Williams into the ropes, then shoves him.  The crowd chants “USA” even though the American is the heel.  They trade arm locks, then do some great mat wrestling.  Styles gets a sunset flip for 1, then goes for the Styles Clash.  Williams counters out.  There those fucking mutants go with the alternating chants.  That shit is so obnoxious.  I wish I could personally slap everyone who has ever participated in one of those.  Williams goes for the Chaos Theory, but Styles counters out and sends Williams to the outside.  Back inside, Williams throws some European uppercuts.  Stuff happens really fast in this match.  Styles is sent to the floor.  Williams hits him with a rolling senton off the apron.  Back inside, Williams kicks AJ in the thigh and hits a short lariat for 1.  Williams hits a running knee to the corner and goes up top.  Styles cuts him off and sends him to the floor.  Styles gets the jump on Williams as he’s coming back in and hits moonsault knees to the back of Williams’ head.  Cover gets 2.  Styles does the drop down, leapfrog, dropkick for 2.  Styles applies a rear chin lock.  Williams gets his leg caught in the ropes.  Styles attacks it.  Styles applies a figure-four leglock.  Williams rolls them under the ropes and out of the ring, but ends up with it turned over.  They finally break.  Now Styles’ leg is injured.  Back inside, Styles grabs Williams’ leg.  Williams knees him in the face and makes his comeback.  Williams hits an Exploder for 2.  Williams hits a European uppercut for 2.  Styles avoids the Chaos Theory and hits the Phenomenon for 2.  Styles goes for the figure-four again, but Williams gets an inside cradle for 2.  Styles lands a big punch.  They trade shots.  Styles hits the Pele kick.  Williams rolls out of the ring.  Styles dives, miss, and Williams hits the Chaos Theory on the floor!  They make it back into the ring.  Williams hits the Styles Clash for the pin in 14:49.  That’s not a typo.  Williams used Styles’ own move to beat him.  Really, really good match.

Christy Hemme interviews Generation Me.  At least they’re actually in the match she’s asking them about.

Tag Lines.

Full Metal Mayhem Match for the TNA World Tag Team Championship: The Motor City Machine Guns (c) vs. Generation Me.  Guns charge out and they start brawling at ringside.  Jeremy hits the springboard face buster on Sabin in the ring, then immediately hits Shelley with an Asai moonsault outside the ring.  Max pounds on Sabin in the ring.  Bucks double team Sabin, hitting an awesome wheelbarrow DDT thing.  The Guns rally and fight back.  Jeremy makes a one man comeback and stomps Shelley’s hand into a chair.  Guns hits Jeremy in the corner against a chair wedged between the turnbuckles.  Stuff happens really fast.  There are chair shots.  The Bucks conveniently set a ladder on the apron so the Guns can kick it into their faces.  Sabin hits a tope suicida… right into a chair.  Shelley takes a chair to the knee.  Shelley fights back by himself in the ring.  Max counters the Shiranui and powerbombs Shelley into the ladder.  Jeremy splashes the ladder into Shelley.  Jeremy climbs for the belts.  Shelley hits Max with an inverted atomic drop.  Sabin prevents Jeremy from getting the belts.  Jeremy does some more crazy shit.  Max climbs for the belts, but he placed the ladder poorly.  Shelley cuts him off, but gets hit with a jawbreaker.  Shelley gives him a Dragon screw leg whip through the ladder.  Ouch.  The Guns sandwich Max in the ladder.  Shelley hits a double stomp.  Shelley backdrop suplexes Jeremy into the ladder, then Sabin bulldogs him across it.  Sabin goes for the belts.  The Bucks knock the ladder over.  Max gets tied to the tree of woe.  Sabin hits the hesitation dropkick with a chair held by Shelley.  Sabin lays a ladder and 2 chairs across the Bucks.  Shelley hits a double stomp onto the pile!  Shelley climbs for the belts, but realizes that ladder isn’t trustworthy any more.  They bring in a couple of fresh ladders and set up a contraption.  Everybody fights at the top of the contraption.  Jeremy falls off, then pushes Shelley off.  They pull their respective remaining opponents down.  Everybody does stuff.  Guns hit an awesome double team on Max, where Sabin holds him in wheelbarrow position and Shelley hits a Codebreaker with a chair.  The Guns bring in a table and put it on top of the ladder contraption.  Jeremy kicks Shelley in the balls and kicks Sabin in the head.  Guns take out Jeremy with double team craziness on the outside.  The Guns set up another table.  I assume they’re going to completely rip off the finish of the WrestleMania 2000 ladder match.  Jeremy comes back in and hits the Guns with a chair.  Max lays out Sabin on the table.  Shelley beats them up and gives Jeremy the Shiranui off the apron through a table.  Sabin and Max climb to the top of the contraption and have a sword fight with chairs.  Sabin wins and Max takes a bump off the contraption through the table.  Yep, WrestleMania 2000 finish.  Sabin takes down the belts to win it in 16:26.  This was awesome.

Abyss/Pope hype video.  Production screws up and throws in a random still from the last match.

Casket Match: Abyss vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  They brawl.  Abyss tries to put Pope in the casket at the 30 second mark, but fails.  Oh, how I wish he had succeeded.  They brawl outside.  Back inside, Pope gives Abyss a bulldog headlock, then goes up top.  Abyss throws him off and into the casket, which was unfortunately closed at the time.  That looked like it hurt.  It’s a similar bump to the one that put Shawn Michaels out of action for 4 1/2 years.  Back inside, Abyss beats up Pope.  Fights back and dropkicks Abyss into the casket.  Abyss scrambles out.  Pope headbutts Abyss, who is apparently Samoan, because it hurts Pope more.  Pope jumps on Abyss’ back and clamps on a sleeper hold.  Abyss turns it into a sidewalk slam.  They fight near the casket.  Pope falls in.  Abyss tries to close it, but Pope fights out.  Pope hits a diving shoulder block and makes his comeback.  Pope hits some inverted atomic drops and a diving bulldog headlock.  Pope puts Abyss in the casket.  Abyss goozles him to prevent the lid from closing.  Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam, then puts Pope in the casket.  Pope puts his arms up to keep the lid from closing.  Pope fights back and hits the Elijah Express.  He puts Abyss in the casket and tries to close the lid.  Abyss punches through the casket and grabs Pope’s balls.  That’s one cheap ass casket.  Pope clotheslines Abyss to the apron and tries to knock him off.  They fight on the apron.  Abyss chokeslams Pope into the casket and closes the lid for the win in 11:58.  Thank God that’s over.

The referee gives Samoa Joe and Jeff Jarrett instructions for their Submission Match, because they’re pretending it’s MMA.  Gunner and Murphy jump Joe and injure hits leg with a nightstick.

Video package of Jeff Hardy’s heelishness.

Awkward cut to a Joe/Jarrett hype video.  Their production sucks tonight.

Submission Match: Jeff Jarrett vs. Samoa Joe.  Joe limps out, despite protests from the trainers.  They hug.  I think they were trying to lock up, but it looked way more like a hug to me.  The crowd chants their standard chants.  Joe hits a horrible looking judo throw.  Jarrett goes after the leg.  Joe pulls him into his guard and goes for a cross armbreaker.  Jarrett gets the ropes.  Joe wants to keep the match on the ground.  Why doesn’t the referee stand him up?  Joe takes Jarrett down into the ropes.  Joe lands some punches.  Jarrett grabs Joe’s leg and rams his injured ankle into the post.  Jarrett applies an ankle lock.  Joe gets a rope break.  Jarrett reapplies the hold.  Joe escapes and lands punches and chops, then takes Jarrett down into an ankle lock.  Jarrett gets the ropes.  Joe hits a senton splash and applies a reverse Kimura type arm lock.  Jarrett gets the ropes again.  This is crap.  Jarrett tries a rana or something.  Joe powerbombs him and locks in a Texas Cloverleaf.  Taz mentions Dean Malenko.  Yay!  Jarrett slides under the ropes and bails.  Joe locks in the Coquina Clutch on the floor.  Jarrett taps out, but it doesn’t count.  Joe throws Jarrett back in.  Joe gets a Fujiwara armbar.  Jarrett taps, but his foot is under the ropes.  Crowd chants “BULLSHIT!”  I agree completely.  Joe hits the Muscle Buster and applies the Coquina Clutch.  Gunner and Murphy come out.  Joe cleans their clocks.  Jarrett locks in the ankle lock.  Joe screams, which the referee considers a submission and awards the match to Jarrett in 9:04.  This was complete, utter shit.

Christy Hemme interviews Mr. Anderson about a match he’s the referee in.  Matt Morgan asks him to make it a No DQ Match.  Anderson has booking power now?  Anderson says he’s going to call it right down the middle like an asshole.  That makes no sense.  It’s not even a yes or no.

Hardy/Morgan hype video.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: Jeff Hardy (c) vs. Matt Morgan.  Ken Anderson is the referee.  After intros and Anderson holding up that disgustingly ugly belt, we’re off.  Morgan wins the lock up.  Hardy hides in the ropes.  Morgan beats up Hardy.  Morgan hits an apron leg drop~!  I pop for neat leg drops.  Hardy rallies and beats up Morgan.  Hardy applies a rear chin lock.  Morgan escapes and fights back.  Morgan hits a discus lariat for 2.  Morgan hits a front slam for 2.  Hardy hits the Twist of Hate for 2.  Morgan hits the Carbon Footprint, but injures his knee in the process.  Cover, but Hardy gets a foot on the bottom rope.  Hardy hits another Twist of Hate for 2.  Hardy is shocked and appalled by his lack of immediate victory.  Hardy goes for the Swanton Bomb, but Morgan gets his knees up.  Hardy says “fuck it” and leaves, urging Anderson to count him out.  Anderson refuses to count the 10.  He goes up the ramp and orders Hardy into the ring.  They argue.  Hardy pie faces Anderson twice.  Three times.  Anderson finally kicks his ass and throws him back in the ring.  Morgan schoolboys Hardy for 2.  Hardy hits the Twist of Hate again.  Anderson very slowly counts 2, then stops, allowing Morgan to kick out after a long time.  Hardy bails again.  Morgan goes after him.  Hardy hits Morgan in the knee with a chair.  Hardy goes for the Twist of Hate, but Morgan pushes him into Anderson, knocking him out of the ring.  Morgan hits the Carbon Footprint.  The crowd counts upwards of 20.  Eric Bischoff brings out that other referee that’s been in all the storylines, then sends Anderson into the post.  The referee counts 2, then Bischoff pulls him out of the ring.  Morgan yells at Bischoff.  Morgan goes for a chokeslam, but Hardy kicks him low and hits the Twist of Hate on a chair for the pin in 12:31.  This was awful.  Anderson is bleeding outside the ring.  Hardy celebrates.  They show highlights of the match.  Such convoluted TNA bullshit.

This PPV started off really strong, then fell off a cliff.  The last 2 matches were fucking horrible.

TNA iMPACT! 11/18/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 22, 2010 by Grappleholic

Video package chronicling Jeff Hardy’s heel turn.

“Morgan Woooo’s The Nature Boy.”

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Ric Flair comes out to cut a promo on Matt Morgan.  Flair is a great promo but his facts are flawed.  He says Morgan complained about getting screwed at the PPV, but actually Morgan was perfectly fine with getting screwed and forgave the referee.  Flair says he’ll be the special guest referee in Morgan’s title rematch.  He calls out Morgan, so Morgan comes out to the ring.  Flair says Morgan isn’t allowed to call him “Naitch” anymore because they’re not friends anymore.  Flair calling himself “God” constantly kind of bothers me.  He says Morgan has to beat him tonight to get the title shot that he already said he’d be referee for.  Was he assuming Morgan would beat him, or is this just more TNA bullshit?  Morgan says wrestling Flair is on his bucket list.  Flair says something about fucking a female horse, I think.  Flair rambles some more.  Morgan promises to shove his boot up Flair’s ass.

Generation Me are headed our way!  Tara hits on them, then slaps them on the ass.  Commercials.

ShopTNA.com on Black Friday!  Isn’t every Friday a Black Friday for TNA when they get the Impact rating?

Tonight, Jeff Hardy vs. Raven (Raven is fired if he loses)!  Abyss has an open challenge for a Casket Match!  Ric Flair vs. Matt Morgan!

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

TNA World Tag Team Champions The Motor City Machine Guns, Jay Lethal, & Velvet Sky vs. TNA X Division Champion Robbie E., Generation Me, & Cookie.  It’s mentioned that Sabin and Sky are dating now.  Lethal and Max start.  Lethal wants the Shore tard, but he accepts working Max’s arm.  Shelley tags in to do a spot.  Sabin immediately tags in.  All of the faces pinball Max around.  Max gets tied to the tree of woe and Velvet stands on his balls.  Sabin hits the hesitation dropkick for 2.  Shelley warms up for a superkick, but Jeremy pulls him out of the ring.  A brawl erupts on the outside for a minute.  Cookie tags in and puts the boots to Shelley, then quickly tags in the Woo Woo guy’s retarded cousin.  The heels take turns  beating up Shelley.  Shelley nails the Shore tard with an enzuigiri.  Lethal gets the tag and runs wild.  Lethal hits the Bucks with a handspring elbow smash.  Robbie comes in and Lethal beats him up.  Cookie tries to attack Lethal.  Lethal grabs her.  Jeremy intervenes and gets hit with the Lethal Combination.  Sabin tags in and hits Jeremy with a springboard shot for 2.  Velvet calls Cookie a bitch and runs after her.  Velvet hits a flying head scissors on Max.  Everybody does stuff.  Guns go for the Skull & Bones.  Velvet attacks Cookie.  Guns hit the Skull & Bones on Jeremy.  Shelley hits a dive on Robbie.  Max sprays hair spray in Sabin’s eyes.  Jeremy schoolboys him for the pin in 5:30.  It was okay.  It turned into a clusterfuck at the end.

Jeff Jarrett is warming up backstage.  Commercials.

Generation Me talk backstage.  The Motor City Machine Guns challenge them to an Empty Arena Match on Reaction.

Jeff Jarrett talks to Gunner and Murphy, who I thought Flair fired last week.  He tells them to keep watch and not let Kurt Angle into the arena.  Jeremy Borash walks by.  Why isn’t he out there waiting to do the ring announcing?  Jarrett sends Gunner and Murphy away and bitches Borash out.  He slaps him, just because he’s a dick.  Jarrett rants and raves for a while.  He says they’re making TNA profitable.  That is a lie.

Tenay and Taz talk about what good friends Jarrett and Borash used to be.

Kurt Angle video package.  Commercials.

Jeff Jarrett and some geeks come out in MMA gear.  Borash does a ridiculous introduction for this stupid MMA exhibition.  Jarrett insists that the production guys put a disclaimer for the hearing impaired on screen.  They do.  Jarrett demonstrates a cross armbreaker and leaves it on too long just to be a dick.  The crowd is shitting on this big time.  Jarrett gets the next geek in a knee bar and says “My buddy Frank Mir made Brock tap to this.”  The next move is an ankle lock.  Jarrett says it was perfect by a great former TNA Champion… Ken Shamrock.  Next is a rear naked choke.  Crowd chants “JOE’S GONNA KILL YOU!”  Jarrett says he learned it from Royce Gracie.  He does the move in a really retarded Jeff Jarrett pro wrestling sleeper hold way.  Samoa Joe comes out to put a stop to this nonsense.  He challenges Jarrett to spar with him.  Jarrett challenges Joe to beat the last 2 weeks to get a Submission Match with Jarrett.  Jarrett implores the students to “shoot on him.”  Joe taps one with a Kimura, then taps the other with an Anaconda Vice.  Jarrett now has to face Joe in a submission match.  There’s a referee and a bell, so…

Submission Match: Jeff Jarrett (w/ geeks) vs. Samoa Joe.  Jarrett throws the geeks at Joe.  Joe kills them.  Jarrett runs away.  I guess it’s a no-contest in about 20 seconds.  The geek that Joe tapped with the Anaconda Vice wants to fight Joe.  Joe kicks his ass and gives him the Muscle Buster.  This was all very stupid.

Stevie Richards, Tommy Dreamer, and Brian Kendrick give Raven a pep talk in the EV2.0 locker room.  Raven vs. Hardy is NEXT!  Commercials.

Non-Title: TNA World Heavyweight Champion Jeff Hardy vs. Raven.  No entrance for Raven.  Completely ridiculous, Immortal mandated introductions by Borash.  He gives Hardy a long intro and then says “introducing his opponent… Raven.”  Raven grabs a side headlock and lands a shoulder block for 2.  Hardy hits a jawbreaker.  Raven hits a drop toe hold that sends Hardy out of the ring, then Russian leg sweeps him into the barricade.  Back inside, Raven hits a diving knee bulldog thing for 2.  Raven brings in a chair, because TNA has nothing resembling rules.  He ends up being the one who takes the bump into the chair anyway.  Hardy beats up Raven on the outside.  Raven avoids the Whisper In The Wind and hits a discus lariat.  Raven hits a bulldog headlock for 2.  Raven goes for the DDT, but Hardy counters into the Twist of Hate.  Hardy hits the Swanton bomb for the pin in 2:55.  Raven is fired!  Interesting fact: Raven’s last WWE and last TNA match were both against Jeff Hardy.

Tommy Dreamer, Stevie Richards, and Brian Kendrick come out to console the unemployed Raven.  Hulk Hogan comes out and insults Raven.  Raven wants to fight Hulk, but is held back.  Hogan fires Raven.  Poor Raven.  Commercials.

Tommy Dreamer is still in the ring.  He calls out Rhino.  Rhino comes out to defend his turn.  He says none of the EV2.0 guys cared that his contract was expired, but Bischoff did.  He picked employment over unemployment.  That’s an easy choice.  He’s mad because he was in TNA first, but RVD and Dreamer showed up to steal his thunder.  Dreamer cuts a typical Dreamer promo on him.  Crowd chants “YOU SOLD OUT!” at Rhino.  Rhino says he has to take care of his family.  So he’s a heel because he wants to take care of his family?  And Dreamer is mad about that?  What a dick Dreamer is!  Rhino attacks Dreamer’s injured wrist.  Rob Van Dam comes out to make the save.  Why didn’t he come out for the Raven deal?  Rhino gets the better of it and Gores RVD.  Argh.

Abyss is next.  Commercials.

Matt Morgan talks to no one in particular backstage.

Casket Match: Shannon Moore vs. Abyss.  Before the commercial, Abyss was pushing the casket to the ring, but now it’s just at ringside.  Did Abyss push it out to ringside during the commercial, then go back to make his ring entrance?  They show Abyss and Eric Bischoff beating up the casket that the Pope was in last week.  Moore tries to be abusive and elusive.  That works well enough for a minute, then Abyss catches him and slams him.  Abyss tries to put Moore in the casket.  Fail.  They brawl a little.  Moore avoids a charge in the corner, gets backdropped to the apron, and hits a half assed diving bulldog.  Moore tries to put Abyss in the casket.  Fail.  TNA really needs to learn that some matches don’t need to be competitive.  They brawl some more.  Moore slams Abyss’ arm in the casket, then hits an Asai moonsault.  That dude can never do a correct moonsault.  Is that intentional?  Moore gets Abyss about halfway into the casket.  Moore beats him up some more.  Abyss beats up Moore in kind.  Back inside, Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam.  Abyss opens the casket, which The Pope is now magically inside.  Pope attacks Abyss to cause the DQ in 5:51.  A DQ in a fucking casket match.  Fucking stupid TNA bullshit.

Angelina Love talks to no one in particular.  She takes on Mickie James in a #1 Contender match next.  Commercials.

TNA Knockouts Championship #1 Contender Match: Angelina Love vs. Mickie James.  They lock up.  Love takes James down.  They actually do a bit of wrestling.  They shake hands and lock up again.  Love grabs a side headlock and takes Mickie down with it.  Mickie escapes.  Love grabs it again, then hits a shoulder block.  They reverse hip toss attempts.  Mickie hits a monkey flip and a dropkick for 2.  They lock up again and start fighting.  Love hits a World’s (not so) Strongest Slam for 2.  Love applies a rear chin lock.  More shit happens.  They shake hands yet again.  Love throws her down for 2.  Love gets a schoolgirl out of the corner for 2.  Mickie hits a rana and a neckbreaker for 2.  Love avoids the diving Thesz press and hits a pump kick for 2.  Mickie fights back and hits her DDT for the pin in 5:43.  Meh.

Brother Ray is headed our way.  Commercials.

Angelina Love throws a temper tantrum backstage.  Winter appears to be creepy.  I think Winter is hitting on her.

Brother Ray comes out to talk about why he turned on Devon last week.  They show said betrayal.  He names a bunch of people who have fallen to the 3D.  He says Sabin kicked out because Devon was weak.  Bubba says he was the star of the team, etc., and Devon was “a guy who got my tables.”  Great line.

Flair vs. Morgan NEXT!  If Morgan wins, he gets to pick the referee for his title match.  If Flair wins, Morgan loses the shot.  This is the first mention of these stipulations, and despite it being stated earlier that Flair would be the referee in the title match.  Oh, TNA.  Commercials.

Ric Flair vs. Matt Morgan.  They lock up.  Flair pushes the much larger Morgan into the corner.  Morgan shoves Flair across the ring.  Flair kicks Morgan’s knee, then chops him in the corner.  Morgan responds in kind.  Morgan hits a big back body drop.  Fun Fact: 35 years after the plane crash, Flair still won’t take a flat back bump.  Morgan hits the revolving elbows in the corner.  Flair does the Flair Chop.  There’s a ref bump.  Flair kicks Morgan in the balls.  Flair beats up Morgan.  Morgan goes for a chokeslam.  Flair pokes him in the eyes and throws him out of the ring.  Morgan rams Flair’s head into the barricade.  Flair is bleeding.  Morgan bites his head.  They brawl outside.  Back into the ring.  Flair begs off.  The show end.

TNA is much more watchable when you view it as satire.