Archive for Bubba the Love Sponge

TNA iMPACT! 4/12/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 15, 2010 by Grappleholic

Jeff Jarrett comes out.  They show Sting dropping him with the Scorpion Death Drop last week.  Jarrett says he’s going to kick Sting’s ass.  He leaves the ring and goes up into the rafters to look for him.  He jumps Sting up in Sting’s little world above the Impact Zone and they fight.  They fight down into the arena and into the ring.  The lights turn off.  Sting magically acquires his bat and beats Jarrett down with it.  Jeff Hardy, Abyss, and Rob Van Dam run out.  Sting bails.

Jeremy Borash interviews Ric Flair, the World Champion AJ Styles, Beer Money, Desmond Wolfe, and Chelsea.

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  They hype tonight’s matches.

Team 3D and Jesse Neal come out.  Brother Ray takes the mic and says it’s going to be a six-man New York City Street Fight.  Commercials!

Lockdown!

New York City Street Fight: Team 3D & Jesse Neal vs. The Band.  JIP.  Everybody fights.  There is lots of plunder.  3D and Neal kick ass for a while.  Neal wears out a Singapore cane on Syxx-Pac.  Syxx-Pac makes a little comeback on Neal as 3D beat up Hall and Nash.  Crowd chants “TABLES!”  Bubba puts a trash can on Nash’s head and whacks it with a cane.  Devon hits Hall with a trash can lid.  Nash falls out of the ring, which is probably dangerous for him.  Bubba kills him with another trash can shot.  Hall gets the WASSUP headbutt.  Devon knocks Syxx-Pac off the apron.  Devon and Neal bring in a table.  Bubba beats up Syxx-Pac, then sets him on a table.  Bubba the Love Sponge runs in to provide the distraction.  Fuck him.  Syxx-Pac hits Bubba in the balls, the hits the X Factor off the top through a table for the pin (about 6 minutes shown).  Total garbage match.  Waltman does push ups over Bubba’s head.  Eric Young makes the save with a hockey stick and challenges Nash to a match at Lockdown.  Nash nods in agreement.  That’s gonna suck.

Christy Hemme interviews Hulk Hogan about how his team has been getting their ass kicked recently.  Hogan eavesdrops on Eric Bischoff talking to Ric Flair.  He questions Bischoff about it.  Bischoff tells him to not jump to conclusions.

Shannon Moore vs. Kazarian.  They lock up aggressively.  Kazarian denies a clean break.  They do some chain wrestling, which is always good to see.  Kazarian works a headlock.  They go back and forth working a hammerlock and do some flippy stuff.  Moore hits a couple of arm drags and cranks on Kazarian’s arm some more.  Moore hits a leg drop for 1.  Moore hits a cross body for 2.  Kazarian low bridges Moore out of the ring and follows him outside.  Kazarian whips Moore into the side of the ring, then throws him back inside and hits his springboard leg drop for 2.  The X Division Champion Douglas Williams comes out to watch the two guys who will challenge him at Lockdown.  Kazarian hits a Northern Lights suplex hold for 2.  Williams joins the announce team.  Kazarian catches Moore with a gutbuster for 2.  Kazarian hits a move I missed because they keep showing the announcers instead of the match for 2.  Moore fights back and hits what looked like a botched version of Rey Mysterio’s flippy bulldog.  Moore connects with some big blows and sends Kazarian out of the ring.  Kazarian avoids a baseball slide dropkick and elevates Moore to the apron.  Moore hits a diving moonsault body block to the outside.  Back inside, Moore hits a diving rana for 2.  Kazarian hits a swank electric chair suplex hold for 2.  Kazarian tries to set up a super backdrop suplex.  Moore fights him off and hits the Whisper In The Wind for 2.  Kazarian gets a Brisco roll for 2.  They do some cradle reversals.  It goes to a 10:00 time limit draw at 10:01.  Time limit?  Seriously?  Really good match, though.  Williams makes fun of them after the match.  They chase Williams to the back.

JB interviews Velvet Sky.  She explains that the Knockouts title isn’t on the line tonight because it’s in the line in a tag match at Lockdown.

ShopTNA.com!

Hulk Hogan bitches at Eric Bischoff backstage.  Bischoff said he was trying to gain Flair’s confidence to help Hogan.  Bischoff leaves.  Jay Lethal comes in.  He wants to book the Mega Powers vs. The Band.  Hogan says they’ll do it after Lockdown if he can find his tights.  I hope those tights were burned and buried.

Tenay and Taz talk about Bischoff’s shenanigans.

JB interviews the Knockouts Champion, Angelina Love.  Tara interrupts, mad about the retarded way she lost the title last week.  Tara says “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer,” which is exactly what Bischoff just said.  Commercials.

Christy Hemme interviews Abyss and The Pope.  Abyss says that Wolfe failed to take him out with a fire extinguisher last week, and suggests next time he brings the whole fire truck, or a bazooka, or a rocket launcher.  I’d be down for that.

The girls come out for the Leather & Lace Match.  Velvet says it’s not going to be a leather & lace match, it’s going to be a match with Love handcuffed.  Well, the deal was any stipulations she wanted.  Commercials!

Non-Title: TNA Knockouts Champion Angelina Love vs. TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champion Velvet Sky.  Love jumps Sky immediately with kicks and stomps.  Well, she can’t really do anything else.  Sky hits her with the title belt.  I guess it’s no DQ.  Sky says it’s now an I Quite Match.  Sky chokes Love and yells at her to quit.  Love says no, so Sky beats her up some more.  Sky whips her with a riding crop, then yells at her to quit again.  Love still won’t quit.  Fuck.  Sky beats her up some more and threatens to strip her naked.  Sky rips Love’s shirt off.  Love still won’t quit.  Madison Rayne and Lacey Von Erich run out and beat on Love.  Tara makes the save and runs off the Beautiful People, then unlocks the handcuffs.  It’s a no-contest in about 4 minutes.  Whatever.  Tara and Love have an awkward staredown.  Love offers a handshake, but Tara refuses.

Christy Hemme is outside, where Abyss has been jumped.  Commercials!

Christy Hemme is still outside.  She says Abyss got ran over by a car!

JB interviews the World Tag Team Champions, Matt Morgan.  Morgan says he can handle it himself, but he’s been forced to find a partner.  He’s chosen Amazing Red.  Red looks like a midget next to Morgan.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match: Matt Morgan (c) & Amazing Red vs. The Motor City Machine Guns.  Morgan overpowers Shelley to start.  Sabin comes in and gets dropped too.  Morgan does his sidewalk drop and drops Shelley on top of Sabin.  Morgan clears the ring of Machine Guns.  Insta-commercials.  Red and Sabin go at it.  Lots of flippy stuff.  Shelley comes in for another good exchange with Red.  Red falls out of the ring.  Sabin teases a dive, then kicks Red in the face and causes Red to do a complete flip.  Cover gets 2 back inside.  Guns hit the Magic Killer on Red for 2.  Morgan pulls Red to the corner and tags himself in.  Morgan sort of reverse chokeslams Sabin into the turnbuckles.  Guns fight back and get a double cover on Morgan for 2.  Morgan begs off and tags in Red.  Red goes some more flippy stuff.  Guns knock Morgan off of the apron.  Morgan comes in and turns Sabin inside out with a lariat.  Morgan sets up Sabin for the Hellavator.  Red hits the Code Red on Shelley for the pin (5 minutes shown).  Pretty decent little match.  Morgan and Red celebrate, then Morgan kicks Red in the balls and hits the revolving elbows in the corner.  Morgan tries to give Red the Carbon Footprint into the post, but the Guns save him.

Christy Hemme hypes a security tape that shows Abyss’ attack.  Commercials.

They show a security tape of Abyss getting hit by a car driven by Desmond Wolfe.

Robert Roode vs. Jeff Hardy.  They lock up.  Tenay announces that Storm vs. RVD will be the opener at Lockdown, with the winner getting the numbers advantage in Lethal Lockdown.  They do some stuff.  Roode misses a dropkick, the Hardy hits hits leg drop through the legs and a dropkick for 2.  Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate.  Roode bails and pulls Hardy out of the ring.  Roode throws Hardy into the steps, then back into the ring.  Roode slams Hardy and hits a diving knee drop for 2.  Roode wears down Hardy with a rear chin lock.  Hardy fights out and hits a jawbreaker, then drops Roode with a kick.  My video freezes for a second.  They trade punches.  Hardy hits some clotheslines and a front suplex.  Hardy hits the Whisper In The Wind for 2.  Roode counters the Twist of Fate and hits a spinebuster for 2.  They counter each other and Hardy hits a stunner.  Hardy goes for the Swanton Bomb.  James Storm comes out to stop him, but gets kicked away.  Roode tries to cut off Hardy, but Hardy knocks him down and hits the Swanton Bomb for the pin in 6:20.  Alright little match.  Storm attacks Hardy after the match and blows a fireball in his face.  It was edited out of my video, so I had to watch it on YouTube.  RVD runs out to make the save.  Beer Money gives him the DWI.

JB says the fireball was censored, and to watch it online.  Way ahead of ya, JB.  They show Hardy being tended to backstage.

Tenay and Taz hype the Lockdown card.

Kurt Angle/Mr. Anderson video package.

JB interviews The Pope, who no longer has a partner, but still has a job to do.  Jay Lethal comes in, calls JB “Mean Gene,” calls Pope “Slick,” and says “Tonight, you take care of The Model, and I’ve got Dynamite Kid!”  The Pope seems cool with this.

Dog the Bounty Hunter is in the crowd!

The Pope comes out for the main event.  Jay Lethal’s music plays, then they show him getting destroyed by Beer Money in the back.  Lethal makes a comeback, but Storm hits him in the head with a beer bottle.  Styles comes out and says it’s a handicap match, but Hulk Hogan appears and hits Desmond Wolfe with a chair on the ramp, leaving us with…

Non-Title: “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero vs. TNA World Heavyweight Champion AJ Styles (w/ Ric Flair & Chelsea).  Pope jumps Styles on the ramp and beats him up on the outside.  I never heard a bell, but I guess it’s a match.  Styles drops Pope with a kick and beats him up.  Pope fights back and goes for the Elijah Express.  Flair gets out of his wheel chair and hits Pope with the belt to cause the DQ in about a minute.  Beer Money comes out to help AJ and Flair beat down The Pope.  Flair whips the Pope with a belt.  Hogan comes back out and stands on the ramp to close the show.

Typical TNA shenanigans aside, I enjoyed this more than I did the very mediocre Raw this week.

TNA iMPACT! 4/5/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 6, 2010 by Grappleholic

“Last week on iMPACT!…” video package.

Christy Hemme is in the locker room explaining some convoluted womens’ match they’re doing tonight.  There’s gonna be four keys that unlock four boxes.  In the respective boxes are Poison (Tara’s spider), a contract for a match of their choice, something that will compel a woman to do a striptease, and the Knockouts Title.  Christy interviews the Knockouts Tag Team Champions, The Beautiful People.  Velvet says they’re going to crush the spider.  Lacey wants to do the walk around in her underwear.  She has to win a match for that?

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Hulk Hogan, Abyss, and Jeff Jarrett come out.  Hogan and Abyss cut promos.  Ric Flair is wheeled out by Chelsea.  Sting, Desmond Wolfe, and Beer Money come out with him.  I assume that’s his team for Lockdown.  Flair cuts a typically great promo.  Crazy Ric Flair is awesome.  Hogan says Flair will find out who the rest of Team Hogan is “when the time is right.”  Team Flair heads to the ring.  Jarrett wants to ask Sting a question, “Friend to friend, or is it foe?”  I think it’s pretty fucking obvious he’s a foe when you’re on opposite sides of a blood feud, you fucking moron.  Jarrett asks Sting “Why now?” then slaps him.  Sting slaps him back and drops him with the Scorpion Death Lock.  Wolfe jumps Abyss with Sting’s bat.  Beer Money comes in and they corner Hogan.  Jeff Hardy and Rob Van Dam make the save.  I guess who know who the other two guys on Team Hogan are.  Commericials.

Rob Van Dam vs. James Storm.  JIP.  RVD has the advantage.  He hits a monkey flip out of the corner for 2.  RVD knocks Storm off of the apron with his flying kick, fails a baseball slide dropkick, and gets rammed into the barricade.  Storm hits the DDT OF MURDER! on RVD for 2.  RVD is the first guy I ever remember seeing take that move from Randy Orton.  Storm hits a suplex.  BEER!  Cover gets 2.  Storm clamps on a rear chin lock.  RVD fights out and gets a quick schoolboy for 2.  RVD hits a bunch of his fancy kicks.  RVD hits the Rolling Thunder for 2.  Storm hits an enzuigiri and the Eye of the Storm for 2.  RVD wallops Storm with a kick to the head, then slams him and hits the split legged moonsault for the pin (about 5 1/2 minutes shown).  Not a bad little match.  I fear this is as good as this show is going to get, though.  Storm smashes a beer bottle in RVD’s face.  Guys come out to check on him.  Commercials!

Moments ago, ^ happened.

The guys help RVD as Storm does RVD’s taunt on the ramp.  Jeff Hardy runs out and decks him from behind.  Storm bails.  Hardy checks on RVD.  Robert Roode sneaks in through the crowd and gives Hardy a spinebuster.

Christy Hemme interviews one of the teams in the convoluted women’s match tonight: Knockouts Champion Tara, Angelina Love, ODB, and Hamada.  Tara thinks TNA is doing this to get ratings.  Hah!  Like ANYTHING TNA does is going to get ratings.  Angelina wants the title.  They argue stupidly.  ODB wants the contract so she can wrestle AJ.  Hamada speaks Japanese.  Hemme says “What she said.”  I agree.

TNA Global Championship Match: “The Freak” Rob Terry (c) vs. Homicide.  Holy shit, Homicide is still employed!  Homicide tries, but Terry no sells everything he does and destroys him.  Terry press slams Homicide and otherwise tosses him around.  Homicide fails at building momentum.  Terry hits the over the shoulder powerslam for the pin in 1:57.  Whatever.  Homicide attacks Terry with a chair.  He gives Terry a chair shot RIGHT TO THE FUCKING HEAD, COMPLETELY UNPROTECTED.  Terry no sells it and chokeslams Homicide.  Terry is bleeding.  Orlando Jordan appears on the stage and shoots white cream all over himself.  … the fuck?  I saw this segment during the live airing and went on quite a tirade about it, but I’ve lost some of my venom since then.

Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle in a Ladder Match is still to come!  The stupid Knockouts match is NEXT!

The Beautiful People are getting ready.

Lock Box Showdown Elimination Match: TNA Knockouts Champion Tara, Angelina Love, ODB, & Hamada vs. TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions Velvet Sky & Madison Rayne, Lacey Von Erich, & Daffney.  They do some shit.  Who cares?  Rayne puts Tara in a head scissors and humps the mat.  Tara gives her the Window’s Peak for the pin at 1:13, so they’re both eliminated and Tara gets a key.  Daffney attacks somebody.  Insta-commercials.  ODB fights Velvet.  Daffney pinned Hamada after a failed moonsault during the break.  ODB hits a fall away slam on Velvet, nips up, and covers for 2.  Velvet pins ODB after a DDT to win key #3.  Angelina beats up Lacey.  Lacey fails the moonsault elbow drop.  Love hits a Flatliner for the pin (4:28 shown).  Tara, Daffney, Velvet, and Love win.  It doesn’t make sense to me either.  I give this whole concept -***** and I don’t even give star ratings.

They show the locked boxes in the back, except they’re all unlocked.  They’ll be (presumably) re locked and unlocked again later.

Angle/Anderson video package.

Ladder Match: Ken Anderson vs. Kurt Angle.  The prize is the key to the cage at Lockdown.  What is it with all of the fucking keys tonight?  Entrances, insta-commercials.  The match starts with Angle immediately going for the Angle Slam.  Anderson counters.  Anderson brings in a ladder and suplexes Angle onto it.  Angle belly to belly suplexes Anderson onto the ladder.  The ladder gets set up.  Angle gets whipped, ducks under it, and gets it thrown in his face.  Anderson goes for the key.  Angle hits the Angle Slam off of the ladder.  Angle throws Anderson out of the ring and goes for the key.  He climbs too slow.  Anderson comes back in and pushes the ladder over.  Angle takes a bump out of the ring.  Crowd chants “HOLY SHIT!” and they bleep it.  Anderson slowly climbs the ladder.  Angle climbs to the top rope and dropkicks the ladder over.  Angle lays out Anderson out the ladder, pounds his face in, goes up top, and hits a MOONSAULT onto Anderson ON THE LADDER!  Angle climbs the ladder.  Anderson steals the dog tag again and chokes Angle with it.  Angle still manages to touch the big wooden plank attached to the key, but finally passes out.  Anderson climbs up and grabs the key to win it in 9:11.  Actually a good match, but unnecessary.  Anderson says he’s going to drink some bubbly to celebrate his victory at Lockdown, because he just secured it.  He’s going to party by himself.

Jeremy Borash interviews Hulk Hogan.  JB asks him about Eric Bischoff.  Hogan says his business with Eric is private.  Bubba the Love Sponge comes up to talk to Hogan.  I wish that fuck would fuck off and fucking die.  He leaves.  Jay Lethal comes up to talk to Hogan and silliness ensues.

The Band shows up and meets Bubba.  Fuck that guy.

Later tonight, the unlocked boxes will be locked and unlocked again!

Christy Hemme interviews the TNA World Tag Team Champions Matt Morgan.  Seriously.  He’s champions by himself now.  Christy is confused.  That’s not a new sensation for her.

TNA World Tag Team Championship #1 Contenders Match: The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Team 3D.  They wrestled to a double pin on Xplosion last week.  Sabin and Ray start.  Ray wrings Sabin’s arm and Sabin does his flippy stuff to escape.  He wrings Bubba’s arm, and Bubba does Sabin’s flippy stuff to escape.  Sabin throws some kicks.  Bubba mows him down with a boot.  Sabin hits a NICE springboard cross body for 2.  Shelley tags in.  Guns double kick Bubba.  Bubba chops Shelley down.  Devon tags in and beats up Shelley.  Shelley catches Devon with a knee and makes the tag.  Sabin hits 3D with elbow smashes.  Sabin drops 3D with a double dropkick.  Sabin ducks Bubba, who accidentally clotheslines Devon.  Sabin hits an enzuigiri to drop Bubba.  Guns double team Devon.  The cross body/neckbreaker combo gets 2.  3D hit the WASSUP  on Sabin.  “GET THE TABLES!”  Why do they do that in every match?  You’ll be DQ’d, morons.  Devon sets up a table on the outside.  The Band comes out and jumps 3D to cause the DQ in 4:03.  Really fun little match while it lasted.  Syxx-Pac hits the X Factor on Bubba.  Hall hits the Razor’s Edge on Sabin.  Nash teases powerbomb Shelley, then just clotheslines him.  Can Nash even do a powerbomb anymore?  Pac spray paints Shelley’s back, then pounds on Bubba some more.  Commercials.

The Band is still in the ring.  Bubba the worthless fuck comes out to join them.  Nash says they might not be signing the checks, but they’re running the show.  Nash cuts a promo on Hogan.  They learned how to be bad from him, etc. etc.  The Wolfpac rip off theme plays.

JB interviews The Pope.  Desmond Wolfe interrupts “The Poop.”  That’s what it sounded like he said, anyway.  Wolfe says he should be getting the title shot.  He could pull double duty at Lockdown.  Pope says Wolfe can have the title shot if he beats him tonight.

Tara is stressing about the key.

TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams comes out.  Crowd chants “USA!”  Williams talks about the flippy floppy guys in the X Division.  He wants to called Douglas Williams from now on.  He’s going to face Generation Me in a Gauntlet Match tonight.

Non-Title: TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams vs. Jeremy Buck.  Jeremy gets a near fall with a moonsault body block.  Jeremy hits a slingshot X Factor for 2.  Williams avoids another moonsault and hits the Chaos Theory for the pin in 1:22.

Non-Title: TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams vs. Max Buck.  Max hits a slingshot clothesline into the ring, does some flippy stuff, and gets 2 off of a dropkick.  Max keeps the pressure on and hits a leg drop for 2.  Max goes up top.  Williams cuts him off and locks in a guillotine for the submission win in 1:17.  He refuses to break the hold.  Shannon Moore makes the save and tries to put makeup on Williams.  Williams bails.  Moore calls Williams a boring ass wrestler.  Fuck him.  He wants a title shot at Lockdown.  Ugh.

Angelina Love has a key.

House Show plugs.

Christy Hemme interviews Team 3D.  Bubba is like “WTF man?”  Bubba challenges “the Wolfpac” to a match next week.  Devon says they’ll kick their asses.

Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  Wolfe gets a jobber entrance.  He meets Pope on the stage and they brawl.  Pope throws Wolfe into the ring, takes his entrance gear off, and gets jumped trying to get into the ring.  Pope fights back.  Crowd chants “POPE IS PIMPIN’!”  Wolfe hits the Divorce Court and goes for the Tower of London.  Pope counters.  Pope drops his knee pads and hits a Codebreaker(!) for the pin in 2:04.  Too short to amount to anything.  The World Champion AJ Styles jumps Pope, kicks his ass, and gives him the Styles Clash.  Abyss comes out.  Styles bails.  Wolfe jumps Abyss and gets his ass kicked.  Styles clips Abyss’ leg.  Styles taunts Pope.  Wolfe hits Abyss with a fire extinguisher.

Tenay and Taz talk about how Team Flair has picked off Team Hogan.

JB is on stage with the locked boxes and chicks who won keys.  Velvet Sky wins the open contract.  Tara wins her spider.  She’s happy, then realizes that means she lost the title.  Angelina wins the Knockouts Title and Daffney has to strip.  JB tells Daffney she has to do the striptease or be fired.  They play stripper music.  Daffney walks to the ring looking nothing at all like a chick I want to see strip.  She takes off her hat and collar.  She lowers hear straps a little bit.  Lacey Von Erich runs out, whacks Daffney with the ugly stick, and starts to do the strip tease.  Tara and Angelina start brawling over the title.  Lacey just prances around while Tara and Angelina roll around the mat.  Velvet says next week, she’s using her contract to face Angelina in a Leather & Lace Match.  Tara and Love go after Lacey.  Security holds them back.  The show ends.

Seriously, fuck this show.

TNA iMPACT! 3/29/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 3, 2010 by Grappleholic

“Last week…” video with Mick Foley losing to Jeff Jarrett in a match set up by a vindictive Eric Bischoff and being fired.

“V For Vigilant.”

Jeff Jarrett and Hulk Hogan talk.  Hogan apologizes for Bischoff and gives Jarrett a match with AJ Styles tonight where Jarrett will be #1 Contender after Lockdown if he wins.  Jay Lethal comes in and does his Randy Savage bit with Hogan.  Hogan does a Savage impersonation of his own.  The Mega Powers 2.0!  Hogan is leaving for New Year for unknown reasons.  I assume it’s because he doesn’t want to watch this show.

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Tonight, there’s a women’s First Blood match.  Gross.  Plus some other matches.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

The Band comes out with Bubba the worthless fuck who needs to fuck off and fucking die Love Sponge.  Crowd chants “FIRE BUBBA!”  For once I agree with these mutants.  The Band is wearing Bubba Army shirts.  Bubba cuts a pseudo shoot promo on the fans.  He says he doesn’t need this job.  I wish to God he would leave, then.  Crowd chants “THANK YOU FOLEY!” since he KTFO’d Bubba last week.  Kevin Nash calls for Eric Young to come out.  Nash says he and Young are friends, and invited Young to join the Band.  Nash says the six-man isn’t going to happen because Jeff Hardy and RVD aren’t in their league.  Crowd chants “DON’T SELL OUT!”  Young attacks the Band and gets his ass kicked.  Nash tells him he made a big mistake.  Jeff Hardy and Rob Van Dam come out and run the heels off.  Hardy says the match tonight will be the main event, and “in honor of Lockdown,” it will be a Steel Cage Match.  Hardy horribly sings his horrible entrance them.

TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams & Brian Kendrick vs. Kazarian & Shannon Moore.  More attacks Williams to start.  Hit him with another brick, Doug!  Kazarian tags in and dropkicks Williams for 2, then hits his slingshot legdrop for 2.  Kendrick tags in and gets arm dragged.  The heels get heat on Kazarian.  Moore gets the hot tag and runs wild.  Fuck him.  Moore hits a diving rana on Williams, but Kendrick saves.  Kendrick eats a spin kick from Moore, then gets German suplexed by Kendrick.  Moore hits a Blockbuster on Kendrick for the pin in 4:30.  A guy I hate wins with a move ripped off from another guy I hate.  Moore puts makeup on Kendrick.  Whatever.

Eric Bischoff talks to Hulk Hogan in the phone, then calls in his new hot chick, Miss Tessmacher (the former Brooke Adams).  Jay Lethal comes in with a booking sheet featuring a bunch of 80s guys.  Funny.  Bischoff tells him to think of something for the main event, then sends Brooke to find Beer Money.

Matches tonight!  The Pope is NEXT!

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero comes out and cuts a promo about AJ Styles, Ric Flair, the match at Lockdown.  Chelsea comes out asks Pope to make her a ho.  Crowd chants “WE’VE GOT MONEY!”  They do some more sexual innuendos.  Desmond Wolfe sneaks in and tries to jump Pope from behind, but Pope was ready and kicks his ass.  Pope kisses Chelsea, then stuffs money in her top.

The Knockouts Champion Tara is headed our way!

A weird, grainy video of Samoa Joe, who hasn’t been seen in weeks after being kidnapped, plays.

Tenay and Taz don’t make a big deal out of it, they just re-hype the matches.

Orlando Jordan, covered in yellow “TNA Cross The Line” type, is lowered to the ring.  He goes to a weird little set to join his bisexual lovers.  … the fuck?

Jeremy Borash interviews Tara.  Danney jumps her.  They awkwardly brawl backstage.  Commercials.

First Blood Match for the TNA Knockouts Championship: Tara (c) vs. Daffney.  They brawl onto the stage from the back and the match officially starts.  They brawl all over and throw each other into the things.  It sucks.  They finally make it to the ring.  It still sucks.  Daffney tries to use a broken broomstick as a spike.  Tara fight it off and hits the Widow’s Peak.  Tara hits Daffney with a toolbox to give Daffney a cut a band-aid could have taken care of to win this abortion at 3:26.  Daffney likes bleeding.  Gross

AJ Styles is on his way, with Ric Flair and Chelsea.

Same video from the beginning of the show.

Jeff Jarrett has his music and pyro back!

Non-Title: Jeff Jarrett vs. TNA World Heavyweight Champion AJ Styles (w/ Ric Flair & Chelsea).  There’s the sound of a girl SCREAMING during AJ’s entrance.  I want to find that girl and strangle her.  Now it sounds like several girls screaming.  They lock up and the regular mutants do their chants.  Styles does a nice arm drag.  They trade hammer locks.  Styles counters Jarrett and hip tosses him.  Styles is awful cocky now.  He does a half assed Flair strut.  I WANT TO FUCKING KILL THESE FUCKING GIRLS THAT KEEP FUCKING SCREAMING.  Jarrett fights back and hits an inverted atomic drop, then clotheslines Styles out of the ring and does the Jarrett strut.  Jarrett beats up Flair on the outside.  Styles goes back on the offensive back inside.  Jarrett avoids a corner splash and rocks Styles with an enzuigiri for 2.  Styles catches Jarrett with a shin breaker and applies the figure-four leglock.  Flair lets Styles grab his cane for leverage.  The ref admonishes him.  Jarrett puts Styles in the figure-four.  Styles immediately reverses it.  Jarrett gets a rope break.  Flair does stuff again and referee Brian Hebner sends Flair and Chelsea to the back.  Jarrett decks Styles on the ramp and throws him back in the ring.  Insta-commercials.  Styles works a rear chin lock.  During the break, Styles kicked Jarrett in the balls, then hit a nice dive to the outside.  Jarrett attempts a sunset flip, but Styles cuts him off and hits a BIG knee drop.  Styles goes back to his rear chin lock.  Jarrett fights out and makes a comeback.  Jarrett hits a backdrop suplex and a Pedigree, of all things, for 2.  Jarrett goes for a diving double axe handle, but Styles catches him and suplexes him down.  Styles hits the springboard forearm for 2.  Styles goes for the Styles Clash, but Jarrett counters and hits an Alabama Slam.  Chelsea and Flair come back out.  The referee yells at Flair on the apron, then gets bumped to the floor.  Jarrett sends Styles into the turnbuckles and hits the Stroke off the middle rope.  Cover, but the referee is dead.  Eric Bischoff comes in with a guitar and tries to hit Jarrett.  Jarrett catches him and takes the guitar.  Bischoff begs off.  Styles hits Jarrett in the balls and hits the Styles Clash.  Styles got a nasty cut on his hand somehow.  Bischoff throws the referee back in to make the 3 count (12:59 shown).  Looks like Styles cut his hand of Jarrett’s guitar when he did the low blow.  Really good match.

JB interviews Eric Young, RVD, and Jeff Hardy.  The cage match is still to come!

Jay Lethal references more 80s guys.  He tells Bischoff he wants to book Brutus Beefcake vs. Rick Martel in the main event.  Heh.  Bischoff tells Lethal he’s in the main event, and to head to the ring.  I thought the cage match was the main event.  Apparently not.  Apparently it’s Jay Lethal’s match RIGHT MEOW!

Handicap Match: Jay Lethal vs. Beer Money.  Beer Money destroy Lethal.  Double suplex.  BEER!  MONEY!  Lethal tries to make a comeback, but gets shut down.  Storm turns his back to drink his beer.  Lethal pins Roode with an inside cradle in 2:15, then drinks Storm’s beer.  Bischoff is not pleased!

The cage match is still to come!  Next, Desmond Wolfe takes on The Pope!

Tenay and Taz talk about Hernandez getting killed by Matt Morgan last week.  Morgan will answer for his actions next week.

Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  Wolfe jumps Pope and takes him down with a collar hold.  Pope escapes and grabs a hammer lock.  Wolfe backs him into the ropes and elbows him in the face.  Wolfe busts out an Indian Death Lock.  Pope reverses it, forced Wolfe to get a rope break.  That move works that way, too?  Wolfe beats up Pope a bit.  Pope fights back.  Pope hits his Vader Bomb-style elbow drop.  Chelsea gets on the apron as Pope sets up his finish.  Wolfe pulls a chain out of his trunks and punches Pope with it for the pin in 6:20.  Good little match, as usual between these two.  Wolfe says “What Chelsea wants, Chelsea gets.”

The Cage is NEXT!

They lied.  Kurt Angle comes out.  He gets in the cage and cuts a promo on Mr. Anderson.  Anderson comes out to the stage and cuts a promo on Angle.  Anderson informs Angle that, per Eric Bischoff, they’ll have a Ladder Match next week.  The prize will be the key to the cage door at Lockdown.  Whatever.  I like the matches, but this feud has been stupid.  Anderson says Kurt is a nice guy, but nice guys finish last.  Anderson says “Thank God I’m an asshole… asshole.”  It’s bleeped both times.  Again, whatever.

The Band comes out as Angle leaves.  Angle and Nash give each other the old Main Event Mafia hand sign.  Yay for continuity!  The main event is next FOR REALS THIS TIME!

Steel Cage Match: The Band vs. Jeff Hardy, Rob Van Dam, & Eric Young.  Syxx-Pac slams the door into Young’s face before he can get in.  Everybody brawls in the ramp.  Syxx-Pac drops RVD with a spin kick.  Nash gets Hardy into the cage and the match starts.  Syxx-Pac locks the cage, making it a 3-on-2 since Young is still on the floor.  TNA’s new cage is neat.  It’s a big black chain link cage, but the walls go all the way to the floor.  Pac delivers the Bronco Buster to Hardy.  Hardy and RVD make a comeback.  Hardy counters a rana and powerbombs Waltman.  RVD hits the Rolling Thunder on Waltman, then Hardy hits his leg drop through the legs.  Hall hammers RVD in the corner.  Nash whips Hardy, who uses RVD as a springboard for the Poetry In Motion into Hall.  Young climbs to the top of the cage.  Waltman tries to stop him, but RVD knocks him off.  Hardy hits the Swanton Bomb on Nash and RVD hits the Five Star Frog Splash on Hall.  Young hits a diving elbow drop on Waltman for the pin in 3:59.  Whatever.  They celebrate.

Christy Hemme interviews Abyss, who reveals the next member of his team for Lockdown: Jeff Jarrett!  They cut a promo.

RVD, Hardy, and Young slap hands with fans.

Okay show.  There were a couple of really good matches in between a lot of crap I didn’t care about.

TNA iMPACT! 3/22/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 27, 2010 by Grappleholic

The show opens with Eric Bischoff in the ring playing guitar.  The fuck?  He calls out Jeff Jarrett because he wants Jarrett to play the guitar.  Jarrett says Bischoff isn’t going to humiliate him anymore.  Bischoff says Jarrett has no guts, or whatever.  Jarrett takes the guitar, puts it down, and leaves.  Bischoff talks about him having “no stones” again.  Jarrett comes back and CLOBBERS Bischoff with the guitar!  YES!

Jarrett comes backstage and hugs Mick Foley.  Jarrett says that felt good.

Moments ago, ^ happened.

Bischoff finally struggles to his feet and books Jeff Jarrett vs. Mick Foley for tonight, with the loser getting fired and winner being Bischoff’s bitch.

Foley and Jarrett are pissed backstage.

Mike Tenay and Taz are our announcers.

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions The Beautiful People, Lacey Von Erich, & Daffney vs. TNA Knockouts Champion Tara, Angelina Love, Taylor Wilde, & Sarita.  After the heels’ entrances, Tara comes out and begs Daffney not to hurt her spider.  The heels jump Tara, but her partners make the save.  Insta-commercials, JIP.  Lots of quick tags and some decent exchanges.  The bad girls get heat on Tara.  Daffney taunts Tara with her spider.  Love tags in and hits a Flatliner on Daffney.  Velvet hits a DDT on Love.  Wilde gets a Northern Lights suplex hold on Rayne.  Who the fuck is legal?  Sarita hits a sit-out powerbomb on Rayne.  Lacey hits a chokeslam on Sarita.  Tara hits the Widow’s Peak on Lacey, then goes to retrieve her spider.  Daffney hits a swank spinning fisherman’s neckbreaker (the Lobotomy) for the pin.  Total clusterfuck.

AJ Styles and Ric Flair arrive, all banged up.  Flair is still in the wheelchair and Styles is on a crutch and has his arm in a sling.

Still to come, Jarrett vs. Foley.  Hulk Hogan makes an announcement about Lockdown NEXT!

Styles and Flair are hobbling/wheeling in backstage.

Destination X highlight package.

Hulk Hogan and Abyss come out.  Hogan talks for a while, then announces that Abyss will be the captain of Team Hogan at Lockdown.  Abyss talks for a while.  Ric Flair (wheeled by Chelsea) and AJ Styles come out and yell.  Flair says the captain of Team Flair will be Sting.  The lights go out.  Sting appears sitting on a top turnbuckle.  Styles whacks Abyss with his crutch.  Hogan is magically handcuffed to the ropes.  Sting leaves as Styles puts the boots to Abyss.  D’Angelo Dinero makes the save and hits the Elijah Express on Styles, when unlocks Hogan’s cuffs.  Hogan pushes Flair’s wheelchair down the ramp and Abyss clotheslines Flair.  Those dicks.  This was stupid.

Jeff Hardy, Rob Van Dam, and Shannon Moore arrive.  Christy Hemme talks to them.

TNA Global Championship Match: Rob Terry (c) vs. Tomko.  Terry no sells everything and kills Tomko.  Terry hits the World’s Strongest Slam, the spin kick, and the chokeslam/spinebuster for the pin in 1:02.  Whatever.

They show Foley shaving Bischoff’s head and Jarrett whacking him with the guitar.

Foley and Jarrett will meet NEXT!  Beer Money are going to be the special guest referees!

Foley & Jarrett/Bischoff video package.

Jeremy Borash interviews Mick Foley and Jeff Jarrett.

Loser Is Fired: Mick Foley vs. Jeff Jarrett.  Beer Money are the special guest referees.  They lock up and break.  They lock up again.  Foley backs Jarrett into the corner and Storm forces a break.  Storm is the inside referee while Roode is on the outside.  Foley hits an elbow smash for 2.  Jarrett gets a sunset flip for 2.  FOLEY DOES A BACKSLIDE.  Now I’ve seen everything.  They counter each other’s finishers.  Roode trips Jarrett.  Foley and Jarrett fight outside.  Bischoff comes out to the announce table.  Insta-commercials.  Jarrett and Foley brawl on the stage.  Jarrett suplexes Foley on the stage, which actually holds up this week.  They go at it back in the ring.  Jarrett drops Foley with a punch for a 2 count.  Beer Money have switched places now, with Roode being in the ring and Storm being outside.  If it matters.  It doesn’t.  Jarrett hits a DDT for 2.  Jarrett brings in a chair.  Foley boots him in the gut and hits the double arm DDT for 2, as Jarrett gets his foot on the bottom rope.  Foley pulls out the sock and clamps on the Mandible Claw.  Roode doesn’t something I missed.  Foley turns it into a Mandible Claw body scissors or something.  Jarrett gets free and hits the Stroke onto the chair for the pin (8:02 shown).  Pretty good match.  Jarrett is upset at getting his friend fired, but Foley raises Jarrett’s hand.  Jarrett returns the gesture and they shake hands.  Bischoff tells Beer Money to beat up Jarrett, and they oblige.  They wedge a chair between the top and middle turnbuckles and ram Jarrett into it.  Jeff Hardy and Rob Van Dam run in and chase of Beer Money.  RVD takes the mic and challenges Beer Money to a match tonight.  They accept.

Moments ago, ^ happened.

They show Mick Foley saying his goodbyes as he leaves.  Bubba the Love Sponge is back.  FUCK.  Even the Impact Zone mutants boo him.  Foley doesn’t want to talk to him.  Bubba insults him, so Foley fucking decks him.  YES!  ***** segment.  Foley says “BANG BANG!” and leaves.  That makes my day.

Bischoff talks to Hogan backstage.  They discuss their various personal issues.  Hogan tells Bischoff do drop the personal vendetta against Jeff Jarrett.  Bischoff agrees, asks Hogan if he set up the RVD and Hardy deal, says “nevermind,” and leaves.

Christy Hemme interviews Beer Money.  They meet RVD & Jeff Hardy TONIGHT!

Up NEXT, the battle of Tag champions!

House show plugs!

JB interviews Rob Van Dam and Jeff Hardy.

Morgan/Hernandez video package.

TNA World Tag Team Champion Matt Morgan vs. TNA World Tag Team Champion Hernandez.  Hernandez jumps Morgan in the aisle and kicks his ass.  Morgan begs off, but Hernandez doesn’t buy it and keeps kicking his ass.  He does the shirt throw thingy, a Stinger Splash, and a spinebuster.  Hernandez charges Morgan in the corner again, but Morgan backdrops Hernandez out of the ring.  They brawl on the floor, but Hernandez accidentally hits the post.  Morgan hits the Carbon Footprint and sandwiches Hernandez’s head into the post.  Fucking OUCH.  It’s a no contest in about 3 1/2 minutes as referee Slick Johnson calls for medics.  Insta-commercials.

They stretcher Hernandez out.  Homicide makes his first appearance in weeks as he comes out to check on his former partner that he turned on months ago.  They put Hernandez in an ambulance.  Hogan tells somebody to call Hernandez’s wife.  Taz and Tenay talk about what happened.

They show what happened with The Band and Eric Young at Destination X.

Beer Money vs. Rob Van Dam & Jeff Hardy.  Storm and Hardy start.  Hardy backdrops Storm out of the ring and onto Roode, then gets a ladder and sets it up between the apron and the barricade.  Insta-commercials.  Rob Van Dam hits an apron leg drop on Roode.  Insta-commercials.  Seriously.  I hate those.  RVD hits a moonsault body block on Roode for 2.  Tag to Storm.  RVD wipes him out with a kick and tags in Hardy.  Hardy hits his legs spread leg drop and a front suplex on Storm for 2, as Roode saves.  RVD comes in and takes Roode out.  Hardy goes up top, but Roode trips him.  Beer Money gets heat on Hardy.  Taz gets in his weekly “Vintage” jab.  Roode hits a BIG spinebuster for 2.  Beer Money continues to beat up Hardy while taunting Van Dam.  Hardy hits the Whisper In The Wind on Storm.  Roode and RVD get the tags.  RVD runs wild.  RVD monkey flips Roode and hits his diving kick for 2.  Storm saves.  RVD kicks Storm in the head, slams him, and hits the split legged moonsault.  He’s not the legal man, Rob!  Roode nails RVD with a clothesline.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Beer Money hits a double suplex on Hardy.  Beer Money hit their AWESOME catapult into a DDT on RVD.  Roode covers for 2.  Roode goes for the Payoff on Hardy, but Hardy counters and hits the Twist of Fate.  Hardy takes his shirt off, then Roode pulls him out of the ring.  Hardy slides under the ladder, then sends it into Storm.  RVD hits the Rolling Thunder on Roode.  Hardy hits the Swanton Bomb and Van Dam follows with the Five Star Frog Splash on Roode for the pin (10:52 shown).  Really good tag match.

As RVD and Hardy celebrate, Eric Young comes in through the crowd and says that next week, it’ll be The Band vs. Young, RVD, & Hardy.  They all hold hands in the middle of the ring as the show closes.  I jest.  Kind of.

Better show than Raw this week, I thought.

TNA iMPACT! 3/8/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 9, 2010 by Grappleholic

New iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo, Mike Tenay and Taz are our hosts.

Hulk Hogan and Abyss come out.  Hogan cuts a promo.  THIS IS THE BIGGEST NIGHT IN TNA HISTORY!  EVEN BIGGER THAN EVERY OTHER BIGGEST NIGHT IN TNA HISTORY!  Hogan calls out AJ Styles and Ric Flair to have the match RIGHT NOW!  Dixie Carter is in the audience.

Hulk Hogan & Abyss vs. TNA World Heavyweight Champion AJ Styles & Ric Flair.  Styles is back to wearing shorts.  Abyss and Styles start.  Size vs. speed.  Abyss botches a press slam.  Flair tags in.  He and Abyss lock up.  Flair chops Abyss.  Man, I’ve never noticed how much Flair is balding in the back.  Abyss beats up Flair and backdrops him.  Styles gets in some cheap shots behind the referee’s back.  Hogan attacks Flair.  Styles drops Hogan with the Pele kick.  The heels put the boot to Hogan and Abyss.  The lights go out and Sting’s music plays.  Sting appears in the ring, bat in hand.  He (SWERVE!) attacks Abyss and Hogan instead.  It’s a no-contest in about 3 minutes.  Sting, Styles, and Flair beat down Hogan and Abyss.  Hogan gets BUSTED WIDE OPEN by a very safe chair shot from Flair.  Sting leaves.  Styles and Flair continue the beat down until security breaks it up.  Brooke Hogan is in the front row looking concerned.  Hogan says it’s not over.  They’re going to finish it before the night’s over.  It’s going to be a No DQ Match later.

Moments ago, all of that stuff happened.

Sting walks around backstage.  Dixie Carter asks him “What the hell, dude?”  Sting pushes her and says he owes her nothing.

Jeremy Borash interviews AJ Styles and Ric Flair.  Styles is such a dork.  Flair says Sting has come to his senses.  Flair is ready to fight some more.

A bloody Abyss screams “WHY, STING, WHY?”  Maybe it’s because of all those times you turned on him and tried to kick his ass a few years ago.

Hogan’s generic blond bimbo daughter sulks backstage.  His equally generic blond bimbo girlfriend tries to console her.

Kazarian cuts a promo in the ring.  He came back to TNA to reignite the X Division.  Christopher Daniels comes out and says he’ll be the one leading the X Division.  He also seems to have found his first name again.  Doug Williams comes out and assures them that the X Division is alive and well, because he’s the champion.  Kazarian and Daniels bicker.  Eric Bischoff comes out and books a three-way match for the title RIGHT NOW!

Three-Way Match for the TNA X Division Championship: Doug Williams (c) vs. Kazarian vs. Daniels.  They do an awesome sequence where they take turns cradling each other.  Daniels goes for the Angel’s Wings, backdrops Kaz in the process.  Daniels dropkicks Williams.  Kazarian drops Daniels.  Kazarian and Williams go.  Awesome spot where Kazarian gets a reverse cradle on Williams at the same time as a Northern Lights suplex hold on Daniels for 2 counts.  More stuff happens.  Kazarian takes out Daniels and Williams with a suicide dive.  Williams avoids a slingshot leg drop by Kazarian and kicks him down.  They cut away to show Dixie Carter pacing backstage.  Daniels trips Kazarian and gets back into the mix.  Daniels drops Kazarian with an STO and hits a Lionsault elbow for 2.  Daniels drops Williams and hits a Death Valley bomb on Kazarian for 2.  Williams hits Daniels and goes up top.  Daniels meets him.  Williams fights him off.  They clothesline each other.  Kazarian hits a dropkick to both of them.  Kazarian runs wild.  He drops Daniels with a springboard elbow and a springboard leg drop for 2.  Daniels goes for the Angel’s Wings, but Williams hits a diving European uppercut.  Williams goes for the Chaos Theory, but Daniels schoolboys him in the middle of it.  Neat.  Kazarian drops Daniels with a neckbreaker for 2.  Daniels hits a Uranage and goes for the BME, but Kazarian moves.  Williams comes in and pushes Daniels into Kazarian, then hits the Chaos Theory on Daniels for the pin in 6:49.  Awesome little match.  Shannon Moore runs in and beats up Williams.  Eric Bischoff comes back out and announces Williams vs. Moore for the X Division Title at Destination X.  Fuck.

Dixie Carter tells JB that Sting will have a match tonight against a mystery opponent.

Three-Way Match for the TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship: Taylor Wilde & Sarita vs. The Beautiful People (w/ Lacey Von Erich) vs. TNA Knockouts Champion Tara & Angelina Love.  The Beautiful People stay away from Love and Tara.  Sarita and Wilde schoolgirl them for nothing.  Wilde and Tara go at it.  Wilde tags out quickly to Sarita.  Velvet tags herself in.  Sarita drops Tara with a cross body and Velvet covers for 2.  The Beats work over Tara.  Wilde and Sarita come in and go after the Beauts.  Lacey trips them and the Beauties dropkick them.  Love comes in and drops Sky.  Tara goes for the Widow’s Peak on Rayne.  Daffney sneaks in behind the referee’s back and nails Tara with the Knockouts title belt.  Rayne pins Tara in 2:13.  Very disappointing.  These women can wrestle.  Why don’t you let them?

Christy Hemme interviews “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  His scheduled opponent tonight, Desmond Wolfe, jumps him and attacks his injured ankle, hitting it with a chain.  Ouch.

Sting is in action NEXT!  Taz makes a pot joke, making sure anyone with half a brain could figure out who his opponent is.

JB interviews the NEW Knockouts Tag Team Champions, The Beautiful People.  They’re stoked to finally be champions.  JB calls for champagne.  Sky pours it on JB’s head.

Tenay and Taz talk about Sting’s reprehensible actions.  They show the aforementioned actions from earlier tonight.

Sting comes out.  His mystery opponent is ROB VAN DAM!

Sting vs. Rob Van Dam.  RVD comes in through the crowd, hits the flying kick on Sting, and follows with the Rolling Thunder for the pin in 9 seconds.  Sting attacks him with the bat, leaves him laying, and leaves.  No, wait.  He comes back and beats down RVD with the bat some more.  “That damn thing’s a weapon!”  Well no shit, Taz.  Sting hits some refs with the bat, too.  Crowd chants “RVD!” the whole time.  Sting comes back to the ring and whacks RVD with the bat again.  Hulk Hogan comes out.  Bubba the worthless piece of worthless Sponge holds him back from doing anything.  Fuck that guy.  Sting hits RVD with the bat some more.  Hogan goes after Sting again, but security holds him back, so Sting kills RVD to some more.  Sting takes a whack at Hogan too.  Sting whacks some security guys and hits Hogan with the bat again.  This shit went way too long.

Tenay and Taz talk some more.

Kevin Nash’s music hits.  Random shot of Eric Bischoff sitting backstage.  Nash and Eric Young come out.  Nash says he has a contract for Scott Hall and Syxx-Pac to face him and  Young at Destination X.  Nash calls them out.  Commercials.

Random commercial cut away: Scott Hall and Syxx-Pac are in the building!

Nash and Young are still waiting.  Hall and Syxx-Pac come in through the crowd.  Security gets in the ring to make sure order is maintained.  Hall calls Nash a sell out, Hogan’s goon, etc.  Hall still wants contracts.  He calls for Bischoff.  Bischoff appears on the screen and says that if Hall and Pac win at Destination X, they get contracts.  If they lose, they leave TNA.  They agree.  Pac slaps Young.  Young jumps his ass.  Security separates them.  Bischoff tells security to get Nash and Hall away from ringside and books Young vs. Pac.  He gives young permission to “Slap that punk upside his bitch head.”

Eric Young vs. Syxx-Pac.  Young jumps Pac and kicks his ass.  Pac fights back with kicks.  Young drops him with a clothesline then backdrops him.  Pac drops him with a spin kick and goes for the Bronco Buster.  Young avoids it and hits a piledriver for the pin in 1:13.

A bunch of soldiers arrive in a hummer.

Go to ShopTNA.com and buy crap!

Kurt Angle comes out with the entryway flanked by the soldiers.  He cuts a promo on Mr. Anderson.  They’ll meet at Destination X.  Anderson appears on the screen to retort.  Angle goes to the interview set (I never realized it was just there in the arena) and kicks his ass to the ring.  Anderson hits Angle with the dog tag and tries to leave, but the soldiers won’t let him.  Angle beats up Anderson and throws him outside to the soldiers, who kick his ass.  Repeated on each side of the ring.  Lucky for Anderson that’s a four sided ring now.  Angle drills Anderson with the Angle Slam.  Crowd chants “BREAK IS ANKLE!”  Angle stands over Anderson, holding the flag high.  The soliders come in and lift Angle up on their shoulders.

More pseudo-shooty crap with Bubba trying to talk Hogan out of wrestling.  Earl Hebner comes in and begs for a second chance.  Bubba convinces Hogan to give Hebner a second chance.  Hogan makes Hebner promise to stop the match if it gets out of control.  What the fuck is that?

Tenay and Taz hype the Destination X card.

Jeff Jarrett talks to Mick Foley (suited up!), then talks to James Storm.  He asks if Beer Money was forced into the match tonight.  Storm says they volunteered.  Jarrett bitches him out.  Storm says “Sorry about your damn…”  Jarrett punches him.  Robert Roode jumps Jarrett from behind.  Foley comes back and tells them to take it to the ring.  So Beer Money are heels now with no explanation?

Video featuring the smoking hot So Cal Val and the gay Jeremy Borash.

Handicap Match: Beer Money vs. Jeff Jarrett.  Mick Foley is the special guest referee.  They’ve been beating up Jarrett since the last segment.  The match finally starts.  Jarrett tries to fight back.  Roode hits a spinebuster.  Beer Money does their awesome catapult into a DDT double team move.  Storm hits the Eye of the Storm.  Roode holds Jarrett for Storm to spit beer in his face.  Jarrett moves and Roode gets it.  Jarrett kicks Storm in the balls behind the referee’s back and makes a comeback.  He clotheslines Roode out of the ring, the backdrops Storm out.  Jarrett follows them and knocks their heads together.  Jarrett takes a bump into the guard rail.  Foley gives him the barbed wire bat.  Slick Johnson runs in and takes it away.  Beer Money hits the DWI on Jarrett and Roode gets the pin (counted by Slick) in 3:42.  This was stupid.

Hogan and Abyss talk backstage.  Brooke comes in crying.  Hogan promises her that he won’t wrestle again after tonight.  This was also stupid.

Random cut away from commercial: Flair and Styles are backstage.

No DQ Match: TNA World Heavyweight Champion AJ Styles & Ric Flair vs. Hulk Hogan & Abyss.  Hogan and Flair lock up and hobble to the corner.  Flair chops Hogan.  Hogan backdrops Flair.  Hogan throws some punches and sends Flair to the outside.  The brawl outside.  Flair bleeds like a mofo.  Flair chops and punches Hogan.  Hogan replies in kind, and pokes him in the eye for good measure.  Abyss beats up Flair on the ramp and throws him back in the ring.  Hogan whips Flair with his weight belt.  Flair hits Hogan in the balls and tags in Styles.  Man, Flair is bleeding like crazy.  I’d say about a 7 on the Muta Scale.  Styles beats up Hogan.  Styles opens up Hogan’s cut from earlier.  Hogan plays face in peril.  Hogan throws Flair off the top rope.  Styles tags in.  Hogan makes the hot tag to Abyss, who runs wild.  Abyss chokeslams them both.  Styles tries to get rolling.  Hogan beats up Flair on the outside.  Styles hits the sprinboard forearm on Abyss for 2.  Hogan and Abyss hulk up.  Double big boots.  Hogan whips Styles into Abyss, who hits the Black Hole Slam for the pin in 7:55.  A fun nostalgia match.  Desmond Wolfe appears and hits Abyss with a chair.  He tries to hit Hogan, but Hogan grabs the chair.  Flair cheap shots Hogan.  The Pope runs in for the save. but Styles clips his bad leg.  JEFF HARDY comes out and cleans house.  Front suplex to Wolfe.  Twist of Fate to Styles.  Hardy goes up top… and the show ends.  Really?  Couldn’t stay with it for a few more seconds?

There was some crap and a few logic gaps, but overall, this was a fun show, and it was better than Raw, which was a fucking abortion this week.

TNA iMPACT! 3/4/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 6, 2010 by Grappleholic

“Last week on iMPACT!” video.

“Never Say Never”

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are our hosts.  They hype the big tag match taking place this coming Monday.

The World Heavyweight Champion AJ Styles and Ric Flair come out, flanked by generic women.  Flair calls out Hulk Hogan, saying they want to apologize and give him a gift.  Hogan and Abyss come out.  Flair wants a peaceful conversation.  He offers Hogan some of the women as a peace offering.  Hogan and Abyss say they’re going to run wild on them on Monday.  Flair says he’s never beat Hogan on national TV, so that’s what he’s aiming for.  Styles rambles a bit, then he and Flair try to leave.  Eric Bischoff comes out and announces that Styles will defend the World title against Abyss, The Pope, and Desmond Wolfe tonight.  Sweet.

Tenay and Taz hype Monday’s tag match again.

Jeremy Borash interviews Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea).  He cuts a funny promo laced with British-isms.  He calls Abyss a “window licker.”  Chelsea wants the Hall of Fame ring.  Wolfe says she’ll get it.

Eric Bischoff is on the phone making fun of the XFL.  Jeff Jarrett comes in talking about the great burgers he made last week.  Bischoff sends him to clean the men’s room.  Jarrett says he’ll be the best janitor ever.

Non-Title, Four-Way Match: The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Generation Me vs. Beer Money vs. TNA World Tag Team Champions Matt Morgan & Hernandez.  Generation Me have now been given the last name “Buck.”  Now if I can just remember which one is which.  Sabin and Jeremy (the lighter haired one) start.  Shelley tags in and the Guns double team Buck.  Max tags in and hits a moonsault to Shelley’s arm.  Jeremy tags back in and hits a diving blow of some sort to Shelley’s arm as well.  Sabin tags in and gets double teamed by the Bucks too.  Sabin overcomes both, then Hernandez tags himself in.  Max tries a cross body, but gets press slammed.  Hernandez sets up for a springboard move, but Morgan tags himself in.  He big boots James Storm, then chokeslams both Bucks.  Roode tags in.  Storm superkicks Morgan, then Roode schoolboys him for the pin in 3:08.  Hernandez is annoyed, and rightfully so.

Bischoff talks to Sean Morley.  He tells him he’s facing Jeff Jarrett in a Falls Count Anywhere Match, but he hasn’t told Jarrett.  Morley and referee Slick Johnson take off to find Jarrett, who is mopping the bathroom.

Four-Way for the title tonight!

Kurt Angle talks to Hogan.  He wants to take care of Flair and Styles for Hogan.  Hogan says no, he has to do it himself.  Angle tells him to be careful.  Alrighty.

They show Mick Foley in etiquette school.  Funny stuff.

Falls Count Anywhere Match: Sean Morley vs. Jeff Jarrett.  Slick “rings the bell” outside the bathroom, then Morley goes in to attack Jarrett.  Morley beats up Jarrett, then covers him for 2.  Jarrett says “What the hell are you doing?”  Slick informs him that he’s in a Falls Count Anywhere match.  Morley abuses Jarrett with the bathroom door, then pins him with a prawn hold in 1:42.  Kinda funny.

Christy Hemme interviews The Pope.  He says he’ll win the title tonight, and he’ll pimp slap Ric Flair if Flair gets in his way.  The four-way is TONIGHT!

Video chronicling the rise and fall of the British Invasion.

Non-Title: TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams vs. TNA Global Champion Rob Terry.  Williams slaps Terry.  Terry shoves him, then press slams him.  Terry applies a bear hug.  Williams bits his way free.  Terry wipes him out with a kick, then goes for the running powerslam.  William counters, then fails at the Chaos Theory.  Terry hits a chokeslam for the pin in 1:04.  Brutus Magnus attacks Terry after the match.  Magnus and Williams beat Terry down.

A trainer is checking on Jeff Jarrett.  Bischoff comes in.  Jarrett yells at him.  Bischoff challenges Jarrett to hit him.  Jarrett’s sick of his crap.  Bischoff calls him picky.  He says Jarrett has a match in the ring tonight.  Jarrett calls him a prick.

Mr. Anderson is dressed like Kurt Angle.

Mick Foley in etiquette school part 2.

Anderson/Angle video package.

Mr. Anderson comes dressed and acting like a retarded Kurt Angle, with Angle’s entrance and music.  He does a parody of an Angle promo.  Kurt Angle comes out and kicks his ass.  Anderson bails, throws water in Angle’s face, the drops the straps on his singlet and Angle slams him.  He slingshots his bald cap into Angle’s face.  Ouch.  Anderson steals Angle’s dog tag again.

Abyss talks to Hogan backstage.  Abyss talks about watching Hogan when he was a child.  He says that he can handle Flair and Styles on his own with the power of the ring.  Hogan says he and Abyss are one and have the same blood.  Huh?  This goes on for a while.  They hug and profess their love for each other.  All righty then.

THE TAG MATCH IS THIS MONDAY!  THAT’S THE MONDAY THAT’S GOING TO BE THE VERY NEXT MONDAY THAT HAPPENS!

Beautiful People/Angelina Love video.  Earlier today, the Beauts jumped Angelina during a photo shoot and beat her down.

Angelina Love comes out and calls out Velvet Sky.  Velvet comes out with the belt she whipped Angelina with earlier.  Angelina goes after Velvet on the ramp.  Velvet tries to run away, but gets her ass kicked.  Angelina gets the belt.  Madison Rayne and Lacey Von Erich run in.  Madison gets whipped, but Lacey hits Love with the ugly stick.  The Beautiful People commence to beating her down.  Velvet whips her again.

Bubba the Love Sponge (I thought he got fired) tells Hogan that he can’t wrestle, or he’ll cripple himself.

Mick Foley in etiquette school, part 3.  The lessons aren’t sinking in very well.

Kevin Nash/Eric Young vs. The Band video.  Nash and Young will have COMMENTS this Monday!  COMMENTS!

Tomko vs. Jeff Jarrett.  Jarrett is back to having no music.  They lock up.  Jarrett fights out of a side headlock, then hits shoulder blocked down.  Tomko works Jarrett’s injured shoulder.  Jarrett rocks Tomko with an enzuigiri, sits on him against the ropes, then gets dropped with a clothesline for 2.  Tomko continues working the shoulder.  Jarrett fights back.  Tomko hits an inverted atomic drop.  Jarrett hits a Jack Brisco roll out of the corner for the pin in 3:54.   Bischoff is displeased because Jarrett won.  I’m displeased because this sucked.

Bischoff also discourages Hogan from wrestling.  Hogan says he’s boxed into this position, even though he did it to himself.

Four-Way Match for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship: AJ Styles (c) (w/ Ric Flair) vs. Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero vs. Abyss.  Pope is wrestling despite being unable to walk from the attack 2 weeks ago.  He and Styles start.  It’s tag team rules.  Styles tries the figure-four.  Pope kicks him away and tags in Abyss.  Styles notices and tags in Wolfe.  Abyss sits on Wolfe, then tries to double chokeslam Wolfe and Styles.  He fails, but hits a sidewalk slam on Wolfe for 2.  Pope and Abyss clothesline Styles and Wolfe out of the ring.  Insta-commercials.  Abyss and Wolfe fight outside while Styles and Pope fight in the ring.  Flair hits Pope’s injured ankle with a chair behind the referee’s back.  You seriously can’t hear that, you fucking useless ref?  Styles locks Pope in the figure-four leglock.  Pope survives it, killing any credibility that this move had left.  The referee stops it to give Styles the win (3:45 shown).  Styles, Wolfe, and Flair beat down Pope.  Abyss makes the save.  Flair attacks Abyss with the barbed wire bat.  They beat down Abyss, but Hulk Hogan comes out to take the save.  He hits Flair with the bat and Flair bleeds like a mofo.  Hogan beats up Flair and some security goons.  Abyss helps.  Styles and Wolfe pull Flair to safety.  Commercials.

Hogan cuts a promo on Flair, who is a bloody mess.  Pope challenges the heels to come back to the ring and fight.  Fin.

Well, the streak of decent Impacts is dead.  This show sucked big floppy donkey dick.

TNA iMPACT! 1/28/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 6, 2010 by Grappleholic

The show opens with a “Last week…” video showing all the stupid shit that happened last week.  iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo, Mike Tenay and Taz are our hosts.

Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff come to the ring.  Hogan calls out Mick Foley.  Wasn’t he fired?  Hogan says he wants to work out the issues between Foley and Bischoff.  Bischoff says he already took care of it by firing Foley.  They go back and forth.  Foley denies putting his hands on Bischoff.  Hogan’s music starts playing while he’s still talking.  Hogan tells Foley to either work things out with Bischoff or walk out of the company.

Jeff Jarrett and Bubba the Love Sponge arrive at the building.  Jarrett says they’re going to talk to Hulk.

Christy Hemme interviews Ken Anderson.  Anderson specifies that he’s “Mr. Anderson,” then issues an open challenge for tonight, and he hopes Abyss will accept.

Tenay and Taz explain the “8 Card Stud Tournament” that will take place at Against All Odds to determine the #1 Contender for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship.  Tonight, we’ll see qualifying matches for that tournament.

8 Card Stud Tournament Qualifying Match: Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. Sean Morley.  They lock up and trade hammerlocks.  Wolfe goes on the offensive.  Morley fights back, but Wolfe drops him with (what I think is) the Divorce Court.  Morley tries to fight back again, but Wolfe awesomely fuck up his arm again.  Morley finally does make a comeback.  Morley hits a full nelson slam and goes up top, but Wolfe springs to his feet and causes Morley to crotch himself on the top rope, then hits the Tower of London for the pin in 3:36.  Good little match.

Jeff Jarrett meets with Hogan and Bischoff, figurative hat in hand.  He says he’ll prove himself by starting at the bottom of the ladder if he has to.  Bischoff has the idea to put Jarrett against Ken Anderson tonight.  Jarrett’s worried about ring rust, but agrees.  Hogan tells Bischoff he’s “stiff” and to tone it down a notch.

Last week, they reenacted the Montreal Screwjob, with Kurt Angle being “screwed” by AJ Styles with help from Ric Flair and Earl Hebner.  Angle then spit in Hogan’s face and threw a fit, probably because he realizes how stupid the booking is.

AJ Styles, Ric Flair, and generic blond bimbo are in their locker room with AJ’s new suits.  They’re planning a 30 day vacation

8 Card Stud Tournament Qualifying Match: Daniels vs. TNA World Tag Team Champion Hernandez.  Daniels jumps Hernandez from behind to start the match.  Hernandez hits a long stalling vertical suplex.  Daniels fails at sunset flipping Hernandez and gets Cracker Jacked.  Daniels claws at Hernandez’s eyes, then works a chin lock.  Daniels hits an STO and a Lionsault for 2.  Daniels goes for the Angel’s Wings, but fails.  Daniels sends Hernandez to the floor, but the referee stops him from going after his opponent.  Hernandez comes back in and makes his comeback.  Daniels catches Hernandez up top with the Venus palm strike and goes for a superplex, but Hernandez pushes him away.  Daniels avoids Hernandez’s diving headbutt and schoolboys him (with feet on the ropes) for 2.  Hernandez hits a big shoulder block and his weird gutwrench gut buster for the pin 4:32.  Good little match.

Tonight, Jeff Jarrett vs. Mr. Anderson!

Next, Mike Tenay plays mediator for the Nasty Boys and Team 3D!

Go to ShopTNA.com and buy TNA crap!

Mike Tenay is in the ring.  He introduces The Nasty Boys and Team 3D, who will face off at Against All Odds.  They yell and insult each other while security holds them apart.  There’s a lot of the pot calling the kettle black.  Too long and fairly stupid segment, but I do have a perverse desire to see their train wreck of a match.

Christy Hemme interviews The Beautiful People.  They say Angelina Love is old news and they’re moving on.  Man, Lacey is stupid.

Jeff Jarrett is getting ready for action!

Eric Bischoff fires Bobby Lashley.  “Taking out the trash,” he says.

The Beautiful People vs. TNA Knockouts Champion Tara & TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions Awesome Kong & Hamada.  Hamada schools Rayne on how to chop, elbow, and headbutt a bitch to start.  Hamada walks the ropes and hits an arm drag.  The Beautiful People make quick tags and wring Hamada’s arm.  Hamada fights out and tags in Tara, who runs wilde on Rayne.  Standing moonsault gets 2.  Velvet get a cheap shot from the apron and lets the Rayne get the advantage.  Beauts work over Tara.  Kong tags in and kills bitches dead for a minute, then tags in Hamada, who runs wilde and kicks bitches in the head.  Tara slams Lacey.  Hamada hits a moonsault press, but Rayne saves and hits Hamada with the ugly stick.  Kong chases Sky out of the arena.  Rayne gets the pin on Hamada in 4:32.  Decent little match.  I kinda get into the Beautiful People as hot, dumb blonds.  Rayne and Lacey go to beat down Tara, but Angelina Love runs in for the save.

Hulk Hogan talks to Earl Hebner about last week’s bullshit.  Hebner says Angle’s hand hit the mat when Styles reversed the ankle lock, and that counts as a tap out.  Hogan bitches him out.  Hebner says he did it for the money, and he’s apparently mad that he doesn’t get enough credit for screwing Bret.  Hogan suspends him.

Kurt Angle is headed our way!  We see this during another of TNA’s stupid “commercial break breaks.”

Styles and Flair are chilling in the locker room.  The bimbo from earlier brings in more bimbos.  Flair picks the one he likes and they plan to party.

Bubba the Love Sponge talks to Mick Foley.  Foley doesn’t care if he gets fired.

Kurt Angle comes to the ring.  He’s sour about AJ Styles changing his ways.  Angle says he’ll win the 8 Card Stud Tournament and become champion again.  Hulk Hogan comes out.  He tells Angle he got to the bottom of the screwjob, and that he’ll fire Angle if he spits in his face again.  Angle apologizes and they shake hands.  Hogan leaves.  Syxx-Pac and Scott Hall jump Angle from behind.  Rather, Syxx-Pac jumps Angle from behind and Hall slowly waddles his way into the ring to help.  Commercials.

Moments ago, what I just wrote happened!

Security kicks Pac and Hall out of the building.  Pac says “See you next week.”

The Motor City Machine Guns & Brian Kendrick vs. TNA X Division Champion Amazing Red & Generation Me.  Kendrick jumps Red to start.  Typically awesome fast paced X Division match.  There’s no way I could transcribe all of this, so I’ll just enjoy it.  Quick tags and lots of flippy floppyness.  Red goes for the Code Red on Sabin, but Shelley superkicks him.  Guns hit a double team move on Red.  Kendrick makes the blind tag and kicks Red in the head, then shoots into a half nelson cradle for the pin in 2:38.  Awesome little TV spot fest.

With Red down and out, the British Invasion comes out.  Big Rob Terry has the X Division Title shot from Feast or Fired.  They beat up Red some more.  Terry gets ready to cash in, but Magnus tells him to give the title shot to Williams.  They argue about it.  Commercials.

TNA X Division Championship Match: Amazing Red (c) vs. Doug Williams (w/ Brutus Magnus & Rob Terry).  JIP.  Red hits a tornado DDT on Williams for 2.  They cut away to show the argument during the break.  Williams hits the Chaos Theory for the pin after about 30 seconds shown to win the title.  Big Rob doesn’t look happy.

Jeff Jarrett is pacing his locker room.  He’ll be in action tonight!

ShopTNA.com!!!EXCLAMATION!POINT!!

Bischoff and Foley are in the office.  Foley talks about his kid pooping at Chuckie Cheese.  He says he’d rather be the janitor that cleaned it up than work for Eric Bischoff.  Bischoff says he should reconsider, because Foley’s friends Abyss and Jeremy Borash’s jobs depend on it.  Bischoff leaves and walks into AJ Styles’ locker room.  They’re “partying.”  Bischoff says he and Hogan are stuck with Flair in TNA.  Bischoff says they don’t have 30 days off.

The main event is NEXT!

Mr. Anderson Anderson comes out and does his introduction of himself.  Jeff Jarrett comes out to no music and no pyro.  Did the sound guy lose his CD?  Man, that Bischoff really is a dick.  Jarrett hands his jacket off to So Cal Val and we have…

Ken Anderson vs. Jeff Jarrett.  They lock up.  Jarrett lands some blows in the corner and the referee forces him to back up.  Anderson hits Jarrett in the back repeatedly.  Jarrett sends Anderson to the floor, then struts.  Commercials.  Anderson rams Jarrett into the post.  Anderson works over Jarrett’s shoulder and makes lots of covers.  Anderson goes for the Kenton bomb, but Jarrett avoids it and makes his comeback.  Jarrett fights off the Mic Check.  Anderson fights off the Stroke with a low blow and an inside cradle for the pin in 10:47 (commercials included).  Eric Bischoff is shown being pleased by this result.  Mr. Anderson Anderson announces himself as the winner.  Anderson attacks Jarrett some more and drops him with the Mic Check.  Bischoff tells the monitor that Jarrett is going to have a long, hard climb to the top of the mountain.

This was the least horrendous iMPACT! I’ve seen in a while, so I guess I give it a thumbs up.