Archive for Brooklyn Brawler

WWE Monday Night Raw 11/15/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 15, 2010 by Grappleholic

The recognized symbol of excellence in sports entertainment!  Awesome Raw open with current starts in an old style open.  Pyro and ballyhoo!  Old school logos, sirens, etc.  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are the announcers and are in old school attire.  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

Mean Gene Okerlund comes out to the old school interview podium.  He introduces “Cowboy” Bob Orton Jr.  He starts to introduce Randy, but Bob says he’s not there yet.  Okerlund interviews Orton about his son’s chances at Survivor Series.  He says something I didn’t catch that angers the crowd.  Wade Barrett comes out and chastises him about being old and whatnot.  The Miz and Alex Riley come out.  Miz talks about being a dick last week and his Money In The Bank privilege.  He says he might cash in tonight and fuck up the Survivor Series main event, somehow forcing Cena to stay in Nexus forever.  John Cena appears on the screen and tells Miz that he’s not going to allow any such frivolities and challenges Miz to a match tonight.  Miz accepts.  Commercials.  This is fun, with the old school set and music and all.

WWE.com plug.

Non-Title: WWE Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. Mark Henry.  OLD SCHOOL INSET PROMOS DURING ENTRANCES!  Henry comes out to the Sexual Chocolate theme!  Ziggler goes for the sleeper hold.  Henry throws him out of the ring.  Blue ring apron, posts, and steps!  Red, white, and blue ring ropes!  Old school logos on the turnbuckle pads!  Referees wearing light blue shirts and bow ties!  This rules.  Henry beats up Ziggler.  Ziggler fails to apply the sleeper hold again.  Ziggler gets crotched on the top rope and falls to the floor.  Sexual Chocolate leers at Vickie, then press slams Ziggler back into the ring.  Ziggler dropkicks Henry’s knee and puts the boots to him.  Ziggler beats up Henry.  Henry hits a powerslam, but Ziggler gets a foot on the bottom rope.  Ziggler avoids getting squashed by a big splash and hits a Fameasser for 2.  Cole called it the Zig Zag because he’s mentally retarded.  Ziggler hits the Zig Zag for the pi… no, 2!  Amazingly, Cole didn’t call it the Fameasser.  Ziggler locks in a scissored sleeper and wins by referee stop in 4:27.  The environment made this way more fun to watch than it should have been.

The Hart Dynasty chat backstage about working through their problems.  They encounter Tony Atlas, who babbles about teaming with Rocky Johnson back in the day and rubs WD-40 onto his skin.  Hilarious.  Commercials.

Backstage, Tony Atlas is STILL rambling!  Yoshi Tatsu is listening, and feigns committing seppuku.

Non-Title: WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater of The Nexus vs. The Hart Dynasty.  Smith and Slater start with a great wrestling exchange.  Gabriel throws some kicks, but Smith catches one and trips him.  Smith beats up Gabriel.  Smith hits ROLLING BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEXES for 2.  Slater saves.  Slater tags in.  Smith powerslams him and hits a leg drop for 2.  Smith goes for the running powerslam, but gets distracted by Gabriel.  Slater gets the advantage on Smith.  Nexus make quick tags and work Smith over.  Smith goes to tag in Kidd, but Kidd TURNS HEEL and kicks him in the head!  Gabriel hits the 450 splash on Smith for the pin in 3:05.  The Hart Dynasty has finally collapsed!

Mean Gene Okerlund interviews WWE Champion Randy Orton (w/ his dad, “Cowboy” Bob Orton Jr.).  R-Truth interrupts to tell him about how Cena is going to fuck him on Sunday.  Orton says he’s going to kick Cena in the head tonight to keep that from happening.  Commercials.

Random note: I also love the old school shirts everyone is wearing tonight.

Old school WWEShop.com plug with Mean Gene plugging old school merchandise!

Justin Roberts introduces Howard Finkel, who will be doing ring announcing for at least the next match.  He’s still awesome.  He should be doing ring announcing full time!  He introduces The Brooklyn Brawler (w/ Harvey Whippleman)!  They heel on the crowd and issue an open challenge to anyone from “the new school.”  ZEKE accepts!

The Brooklyn Brawler (w/ Harvey Whippleman) vs. Ezekiel Jackson.  Zeke hits a shoulder block.  Brawler talks shit, shoves Zeke, and tries to slam him.  Zeke mauls him.  Zeke hits the Book of Ezekiel for the pin in 50 seconds.  Awesome!

Tonight, John Cena vs. The Miz!  Old school match graphics!  Commercials!

The 5 lesser members of The Nexus are backstage.  David Otunga says that somebody needs to deal with R-Truth.  He calls himself “leader,” which Barrett overhears.  Barrett tells Otunga that he’ll be the one facing R-Truth tonight.  Cole gets an email from the iBooker 9000.  Shouldn’t they use an old computer for this?  iBooker says Otunga already has a “special” match tonight, so Barrett will face R-Truth tonight.  Barrett is fine with this.  Harris says they have his back, but Barrett says he’ll handle this.  John Cena comes in to talk about whatever.  Barrett orders Harris and McGillicutty to have Cena’s back tonight.  Cena declines.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night, but it’s written OLD SCHOOL!

John Cena and The Miz (w/ Alex Riley) come out for their match.  They show Miz screwing Randy Orton in the 10-man tag last week.  Miz cuts a promo and sends Riley to fight in his stead.

John Cena vs. Alex Riley (w/ The Miz).  They lock up.  Cena hits a snap mare.  Cole babbles about not knowing what year it is.  Cena outclasses Riley some more.  Riley lands an elbow smash.  Miz decks Cena behind the referee’s back.  Riley pounds on Cena.  Cena fights back, but misses Riley in the corner and eats turnbuckle pads.  Riley beats up Cena some more.  Riley hits a move that we don’t see because the camera was focused on Miz for 2.  Retarded camera work in this match.  Cena makes his comeback.  Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment, then locks in the STF for the win in 3:43.  It was fine.

Randy Orton runs out and brawls with Miz.  Husky Harris and Michael McGillicutty jump Orton.  Orton kicks their asses.  Cena and Orton face off and brawl.  The old school referees and officials (including Tony Garea!) break them up.  Cole gets an email from the iBooker.  Ugh.  iBooker says that later tonight, Cena and Orton will be guests on Piper’s Pit!  Thank God we don’t have to suffer through another Orton/Cena match tonight.  Commercials!

The recognized symbol of excellence in sports entertainment!  They play that and the open again.  I don’t know why, and I don’t care.  It’s cool.

Cole and Lawler talk.

Howard Finkel introduces The Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff!  Volkoff sings the Soviet national anthem.  In 2010.  Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov come out.  Kozlov wants to sing the Soviet anthem with Volkoff!  They sing!  This rules!  Santino stops them because it’s awful.  He wants to sing his own song.  He brings out THE DOCTOR OF STYLE, SLICK!  SLICK COMES OUT TO JIVE SOUL BRO!  THIS IS THE GREATEST SHOW EVER!  Sheik babbles incoherently.  I can’t believe they gave that man a live mic.  The Usos come out.  We’ve got a tag title #1 Contender match next.  In the Usos’ corner will be JIMMY “SUPERFLY” SNUKA!  Commercials.

WWE Tag Team Championship #1 Contenders Match: Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov vs. Jimmy & Jey Uso (w/ Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka & Tamina).  JIP.  The Usos get the heat on Santino.  Santino hits Jey with a judo throw and gator rolls him to the corner.  Kozlov tags in and hits Jey with a fall away slam.  Santino tags in and hits a slam thingy for 2.  Kozlov tags back in and beats up Jey some more.  Jimmy blind tags in and takes out Kozlov’s leg.  Jimmy hits a jumping headbutt for 2.  Jimmy hits a backdrop suplex for 2.  Jimmy works a rear chin lock.  Kozlov breaks free and knocks Jimmy across the ring with a battering ram headbutt.  Jey tags in and cuts Kozlov off from making the tag.  Santino gets knocked off the apron, then distracts the referee so his partner can get double teamed.  The Usos work over Kozlov.  Jimmy tries to knock Santino off again, but Santino decks him.  Kozlov makes the hot tag to Santino, who runs wild on Jimmy.  Confusion ensues.  Actually, I think that’s Jey getting run wild upon.  Santino hits the Cobra on Jey for the pin (about 5 1/2 minutes shown).  This wasn’t any good.

Sheamus runs in, drops Kozlov and the Usos, and goes after Santino.  Santino begs off.  John Morrison appears, low bridges Sheamus out of the ring, and knocks him off the apron with an enzuigiri.  Morrison says he keeps attacking Sheamus because Sheamus is a bully who will run away when confronted.  He challenges Sheamus to fight.  Sheamus does just as Morrison said he would and leaves.

Tonight, Piper’s Pit with Cena and Orton!  Commercials!

The Survivor Series song is some crappy song by some crappy band.

David Otunga vs. Kofi Kingston.  Inset promo from Kingston!  Kingston lands some leg kicks, then grabs a side headlock.  Otunga catches a cross body and slams Kingston.  Otunga slams Kingston again.  And again.  Cover gets 2.  Otunga grabs a headlock.  Kofi fights out.  Otunga hits what Cole calls an elbow but what looked to me like a back butt for 2.  Otunga grabs a chin lock.  Kofi fights back and starts his comeback.  Double clothesline spot.  George “The Animal” Steele comes out and teases eating the turnbuckle pad.  The referee stops him, so he eats one in a different corner.  Otunga is back on his feet and his like “WTF?”  Kofi gets up and rams his head into the exposed turnbuckle, then hits the Trouble In Paradise for the pin in 4:50.  Heh.

Gerald Brisco and Arn Anderson compliment John Morrison on dealing with Sheamus.  Sheamus hits Morrison with the pump kick out of nowhere and accepts his challenge for a match… at Survivor Series.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Aksana walks around backstage with the Million Dollar Championship.  “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan shows up to tell her that her mom is there.  Huh?  It’s Dusty Rhodes with a curly blond wig.  He has Kelly Kelly drop a net on her.  Goldust steals the Million Dollar belt back from her.  He returns the belt to it’s rightful owner, “The Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiase.  Irwin R. Schyster promises to find him a good tax shelter.  Dibiase tries to give the belt back to his son, Ted Dibiase Jr., but Jr. doesn’t want it.  Cody Rhodes says “that ended far from dashing.”  Goldust and Cody walk away.  Dusty says “I raised some weird kids.”  They play Dusty’s “Common Man” theme.  Dusty, Tatanka, and Hacksaw dance. Ron Simmons sees this and says “DAMN!”  Funny stuff.

Earlier tonight, SHIT WENT DOWN between John Cena and Randy Orton.

R-Truth and Eve Torres are headed our way!  Commercials!

WWE.com plug.

“Promotional Consideration Paid For By The Following…”  R.D. Reynolds just WrestleCrapped his pants.

R-Truth (w/ Eve Torres) vs. Wade Barrett.  They brawl.  Truth flips around and hits the break dancing kick.  Truth clotheslines Barrett out of the ring and hits him with a somersault dive.  Back inside, Truth goes up top.  Barrett goes to cut him off.  Truth jumps over him, but Barrett catches Truth with a sidewalk slam.  Barrett his a suplex for 2.  Barrett hits a diving elbow drop for 2.  Barrett his a backbreaker for 2.  John Cena and Randy Orton are both show watching backstage.  Truth gets an inside cradle that we almost missed for 2.  Barrett applies a rear chin lock.  Truth makes his comeback and gets a fancy cradle for 2.  Truth hits a front suplex for 2.  Barrett avoids the scissors kick and goes for the Wasteland.  Truth counters, but gets booted in the face.  Barrett hits the Wasteland for the pin in 5:06.  It was fine.

Tonight, Cena and Orton on Piper’s Pit!  Commercials!

They play the opens again.

Cole and Lawler goof off.

Ricardo Rodriguez is here!  That’s 3 ring announcers tonight.  Tito Santana comes out to cut him off and introduces Alberto Del Rio himself!  Del Rio has Chavo Classic driving him!  Del Rio cuts a promo.  He wants the other legends to kiss his ass like Tito and Chavo.  Sergeant Slaughter comes out and cuts an awesome promo.  “Shut your hole, puke, and listen up!  There’s 2 things you don’t mess with: Legends and America!”  He challenges Del Rio to a match.  Del Rio accepts.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Sergeant Slaughter.  Del Rio beats on Slaughter.  Slaughter locks in the Cobra Clutch.  Del Rio gets a rope break and elbows Sarge in the face.  Del Rio hits a clothesline for 2.  Del Rio applies a rear chin lock.  Slaughter fights out.  Del Rio beats him up some more.  Sarge locks in the Cobra Clutch again.  Del Rio backs him into the corner and breaks free, then whips Sarge into the corner and hits an enzuigiri for the pin in 1:54.  It was what it was.  Del Rio applies the cross armbreaker after the match.  MVP comes out and runs off Del Rio.

Mean Gene plugs WWE merchandise again.  Commercials.

Cole and Lawler talk.  Cole is being a dick,

WrestleMania tickets went on sale last weekend!

Mean Gene Okerlund brings out Mae Young!  She’s escorted by the Bella Twins.  Poor thing.  They show a really old black & white picture.  Mae was a babe in her day.  They show a video package on some of her exploits.  Unified WWE Divas Champions Michelle McCool & Layla come out to be obnoxious bitches and ruin a feel good moment.  Mae Young wants a match “with these sluts!”  She’s a feisty old gal!  “You little bitches, let’s go!”  LayCool laugh.  The bell rings.  This is a real match!  Falls count anywhere!

Handicap Falls Count Anywhere Match: Mae Young (w/ The Bella Twins) vs. Unified WWE Divas Champions Michelle McCool & Layla.  Natalya, Gail Kim, Melina, and Eve Torres come out and beat up LayCool.  Mae slaps Layla and pins her in 54 seconds!  Awesome!  Commercials!  That was AWESOME!

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Howard Finkel introduces JIM ROSS to do commentary on the next match!  YAY!  Michael Cole is not happy about this.

Non-Title: WWE United States Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Jack Swagger.  It’s so good to hear J.R. again.  Bryan and Swagger lock up.  Awesome grappling.  Danielson counters out of the ankle lock and lands a Mirko Cro Cop head kick.  Cole needs to shut the fuck up and let J.R. talk.  More awesome grappling on the mat.  Danielson leapfrogs Swagger and  lands a dropkick for 1.  Danielson back flips over Swagger and gets booted in the face.  Commercials.  Cole needs to SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP RUINING THE MOMENT.  Jim Ross welcomes us back to Raw as Swagger has Bryan in a hold.  Cole is BEING A FUCKING IGNORANT PRICK AND NEEDS TO FUCK OFF AND DIE.  Swagger beats up Bryan.  Swagger gator rolls Bryan out of the ring and pounds him on the apron.  I’d give my right nut for the chance to punch Michael Cole in the face right now.  Bryan low bridges Swagger out of the ring.  COLE NEEDS TO FUCK OFF.  Danielson lands a baseball slide dropkick, then hits a flying knee off the apron!  STOP CUTTING TO COLE, YOU FUCKS!  Back inside, Danielson hits a missile dropkick for 2.  Bryan kicks the crap out of Swagger.  Swagger catches his leg and goes for the ankle lock.  Bryan flips Swagger into the corner, then misses Swagger in the corner and hurts himself.  SHUT UP, COLE!  Swagger hits a Vader Bomb for 2.  Lawler finally tells Cole to “shut the hell up.”  Swagger hits another Vader Bomb.  He goes for the Doctor Bomb, but Danielson dead weights him and goes for the LeBell Lock.  Swagger counters into a backbreaker.  Danielson counters the Doctor Bomb again and lands the high kick for the pin in 10:44.  Awesome match that even Cole’s retardation couldn’t ruin.  Ted Dibiase Jr. appears and hits Bryan with the Dream Street, then poses with the United States title belt as his awful music plays.  Maryse comes out just so they can leave together.  Cole needs to fuck off and die.

Survivor Series hype.

J.R. slaps Cole with his cowboy hat!  YAY!

Orton and Cena are headed our way!  Commercials!

Promotional consideration paid for by the following!

Justin Roberts introduces the legends to the crowd: Jimmy Snuka, Bob Orton Jr., Irwin R. Schyster, Tito Santana, Sergeant Slaughter, Jim Duggan, Brooklyn Brawler, Chavo Classic, Mean Gene Okerlund, Howard Finkel, Mae Young, Gerald Brisco, Ted Dibiase, Slick, Tatanka, Tony Atlas, Arn Anderson, Ron Simmons, Dusty Rhodes, George Steele, Jim Ross, The Iron Sheik, and Nikolai Volkoff.  That’s nice!  “Hey, here’s a bunch of our agents and other guys we’ve fired a bunch of times!” -My buddy mhirn.

“Rowdy” Roddy Piper comes out to do Piper’s Pit!  He cuts a promo, then introduces John Cena.  Piper bitches at Cena about disrespecting legends by possibly giving Wade Barrett the WWE Championship this Sunday.  He urges Cena to do the ring thing.  Cena replies at length about his respect for the legends.  He says he’ll call the match right down the middle.  That means he’s going to screw someone.  Wade Barrett comes out and says that’s fine, because he doesn’t need help to win, but Cena is still fired if Barrett loses.  Piper bitches Barrett out in awesome crazy old man style.  Barrett bitches at Piper, then Cena.  He forces Cena to put on a Nexus t-shirt.  Why the hell is he just now doing that?  Cena puts the shirt on, then tells Barrett he’s going to turn his face into mush on Sunday.  Barrett says Nexus will kick Cena’s ass before he can hurt Barrett.  WWE Champion Randy Orton comes out, talks to Cena for a minute, then beats up Barrett.  Orton humps the mat.  Cena intervenes before Orton can hit the RKO or come or whatever he’s trying to do.  Orton RKOs Cena and goes for the PUNT OF DEATH.  Barrett cuts him off.  Cena avoids the punt and hits the Attitude Adjustment.  Barrett orders Cena to raise his hand.  Cena gives Barrett the Attitude Adjustment instead.  He takes off the Nexus shirt and throws it on Barrett.  Piper raises Cena’s hand to close the show.  Why isn’t Miz cashing in right now while the getting is good?

I don’t care if most of the wrestling sucked (I say “most” because Bryan vs. Swagger was awesome), this show ruled!

WWF WrestleMania V

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 25, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open.  The World Wrestling Federation: What the world is watching!  The Mega Powers EXPLODE at WrestleMania V!  We’re at the Trump Plaza in Atlantic City, New Jersey!  Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura are the announcers.  Howard Finkel is the ring announcer.

WWF Women’s Champion Rockin’ Robin sings the national anthem.  She’s terrible.

King Haku (w/ Bobby Heenan) vs. Hercules.  After pre-match shenanigans, Haku jumps Hercules from behind to get the early advantage.  Hercules slams Haku around and clotheslines him out of the ring.  Hercules suplexes Haku back into the ring and hits a couple of elbow drops.  Hercules goes after Heenan stupidly and gets beaten up by Haku on the outside.  Haku hits a couple of backbreakers for 2.  Haku bear hugs Hercules.  Hercules breaks out and Haku catches him with a chop, then chokes him against the middle rope.  Hercules hits a cross body for 2.  Hercules ducks a rebound cross body from Haku and makes his comeback.  Hercules hits a powerslam for 2.  Hercules comes off the top rope, but Haku catches him with a superkick and goes for a diving headbutt.  Hercules moves out of the way and hits a backdrop suplex hold for the pin in 6:53.  It was okay.

Mean Gene Okerlund interviews The Rockers.

The Twin Towers (w/ Slick) vs. The Rockers.  The Rockers go with the brilliant strategy of running away at first.  Michaels and Boss Man lock up.  Boss Man sets Michaels on the top rope and slaps him.  Michaels hits a missile dropkick.  Both Rockers deck Boss Man.  Michaels decks Akeem on the apron.  Akeem tags in and prances around.  Michaels does a moonwalk.  The Rockers make quick tags attacking Akeem’s arm.  Akeem tags in Boss Man.  The Towers sandwich Jannetty between them.  Towers make quick tags and Jannetty plays face in peril.  Jannetty ducks Akeem, who accidentally decks Boss Man.  Michaels gets the hot tag and runs wild on Akeem.  Rockers hit a double diving shoulder block on Akeem for 2.  Akeem NAILS Michaels with a lariat and tags in Boss Man.  Boss Man goes for a diving splash, but Michaels moves and covers for 2.  Michaels jumps on Boss Man like he’s going for a rana.  Rockers do some double teaming and hit a double missile dropkick.  Well, Jannetty hit his anyway.  Akeem saves and sends Jannetty outside.  Michaels comes off the top, but Boss Man catches him and powerbombs him.  Akeem hits a big splash on Michaels for the pin in 8:06.  Fun match.

Tony Schiavone interviews Ted Dibiase (w/ Virgil).

Dibiase and Virgil shake hands with Donald Trump during their entrance.

Million Dollar Champion Ted Dibiase (w/ Virgil) vs. Brutus Beefcake.  Dibiase shows off his Million Dollar belt.  Beefcake kicks his ass and throws him around.  Dibiase takes a walk outside, then comes back in and beats up Beefcake.  Beefcake slams Dibiase a bunch and clotheslines him out of the ring.  Dibiase comes back in and gets beaten up some more.  Virgil grabs Beefcake’s leg from the outside to let Dibiase get the advantage.  Dibiase chokes Beefcake.  Dibiase hits a diving elbow to the head for 2.  This is getting boring.  Beefcake gets an inside cradle for 2.  Double clothesline spot.  Dibiase locks in the Million Dollar Dream.  Beefcake gets a rope break.  Beefcake beats up Dibiase and locks in the sleeper hold.  Virgil gets on the apron.  Beefcake goes after him and gets decked from behind from Dibiase and sent outside.  Virgil beats up Beefcake on the outside.  Beefcake goes after him and gets jumped by Dibiase.  Both guys get counted out in 10:01.  Beefcake sends Dibiase into the post, then chases Virgil, beats him up, and puts him int he sleeper.  Dibiase tries tos ave and gets his ass kicked.  Beefcake tries to cut Dibiase’s hair, but Dibiase bails.  This sucked.

Footage from the WrestleMania brunch with Lord Alfred Hayes and the Bushwhackers.

The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. The Bushwhackers.  The Bushwhackers rip Jimmy Hart’s coat off and tear it up.  The Rougeaus jump them.  Rougeaus end up colliding with Hart, then they go outside and hug.  They have a match and it sucks.  Jacques accidentally knee drops Raymond.  They go outside to regroup.  Bushwhackers stomp around the ring.  Rougeaus double team one of the Bushwhackers behind the referee’s back.  Rougeaus work over whichever Rougeau is in the ring.  Bushwhackers hit the battering ram and a double stomach breaker.  One of them pins Jacques in 5:11.  This was the absolute drizzling shits.

Sean Mooney tries to talk to fans, but the Bushwhackers lick him.

Mr. Perfect vs. The Blue Blazer.  Hennig vs. Owen Hart?  I’ll have some of that!  Good wrestling to start.  Perfect slaps Blazer.  Blazer responds in kind.  Blazer hits a couple of slams, dropkicks Perfect out of the ring, and hits a baseball slide dropkick.  Blazer hits Perfect with some European uppercuts, then throws him back inside and cranks on his arm.  Blazer hits some more moves.  Man, Owen was such an athlete.  Blazer hits a backbreaker for 2.  Blazer slams Perfect and goes for a diving splash, but Perfect gets his knees up.  Perfect beats on Blazer and locks him in a camel clutch.  Blazer fights back and hits a powerslam for 2.  Blazer hits a belly to belly suplex for 2.  Blazer gets a crucifix hold for a close 2 count.  Perfect nails Blazer with a forearm and hits the Perfect Plex for the pin in 5:49.  Best match of the night so far.  It’s sad that both of them are dead now.

Finkel introduces Jesse Ventura to the live crowd like at several other WrestleManias.  I have no idea why.

Footage of Lord Alfred Hayes at a 5K run.  Mr. Fuji enters (in a suit and carrying his cane) to show he’s in good shape.  He finishes.  I smell chicanery.

Run-DMC do the WrestleMania Rap.  I fast forward.

They show the Demolition/Powers of Pain double turn at Survivor Series.

Mean Gene interviews the WWF Tag Team Champions Demolition.

Handicap Match for the WWF Tag Team Championship: Demolition (c) vs. The Powers of Pain & Mr. Fuji.  Demolition’s music is dubbed over, which should be a capital offense punishable by hanging.  Demolition pummel Warlord to start.  The heels try to cut off Smash, but Barbarian gets pummeled by Demolition too.  Powers of Pain try to cut off Ax, but fail again.  Barbarian drops Ax with a big boot when he goes after Fuji to finally let the heels get some heat going.  Not that there’s any heat because this crowd is dead.  Ax plays face in peril.  Ax avoids a diving leg drop from Fuji.  Fuji tags in Warlord in time for him to cut off Ax from making the tag.  A moment later, Ax makes the hot tag to Smash anyway.  Not that it’s hot in front of this dead crowd.  Smash cleans house.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Fuji tries to throw salt at Smash, but hits Warlord.  Demolition Decapitation on Fuji.  Ax pins Fuji in 8:55.  This also sucked.

Tony Schiavone tries to interview WWF Champion Randy Savage, but Savage won’t talk to him.

After the introductions for the Dino Bravo/Ron Garvin match, Finkel introduces Jimmy Snuka for no apparent reason at the most random moment possible.  Snuka comes out to the ring, poses, and leaves.

Dino Bravo (w/ Frenchy Martin) vs. Ron Garvin.  Complete shot in the dark guess here: This will suck.  Bravo jumps Garvin from behind and beats him up.  Bravo tries a powerbomb or something, but Garvin punches him down and covers for 2.  Garvin makes his comeback.  Big splash for 1.  Garvin softly pushes Bravo’s head into the top turnbuckle.  Garvin gets a jackknife hold for 2.  Garvin clamps on a sleeper hold.  Garvin goes for a piledriver, but gets backdropped, holds on, and gets a sunset flip for 2.  Bravo hits the side suplex for the pin in 3:59.  This sucked as well.  Garvin decks Bravo after the match, then gives Martin the Garvin Stomp.

The Brain Busters (w/ Bobby Heenan) vs. Strike Force.  Busters beat up Martin in classic awesome Busters fashion.  Martel fights back.  Strike Force send the Busters outside with a double dropkick.  Martel wrestles with Anderson, which is great stuff.  Martel gets Anderson in the crab hold, but Tully thumbs Martel in the eye immediately.  Tully and Tito tag in.  Strike Force put the Busters in stereo figure-four leglocks.  Tully has an awesome exchange with Tito.  Tito inside cradles Tully for 2 after some Busters double teaming.  Tito accidentally hits Martel with a flying forearm.  Busters work over Tito.  Anderson goes up top, but Tito throws him off Flair-style.  Tito goes to make the tag, but Martin refuses.  Martel leaves.  The Busters tear Santana apart.  Tito tries to fight back but gets cut off.  Busters hit a spiked piledriver.  Anderson pins Santana in 9:17.  Really fun little match.  I love all four of these guys.

Mean Gene interviews Rick Martel.  He says he’s tired of carrying Tito.

Gorilla and Ventura discuss Martel’s heel turn.

Finkel introduces Roddy Piper for Piper’s Pit, but Brother Love comes out instead.  He’s wearing a kilt.  He interviews… himself, playing “Rodney Piper.”  Morton Downey Jr. comes out and insults Love a bunch.  Roddy Piper comes out for real.  Piper makes fun of Love while Downey smokes a cigarette and takes his socks off and throws them out of the ring.  WTF?  This is stupid.  Downey throws cigarettes at Piper.  Brother Love finally leaves or something and Piper talks to Downey.  Piper gets annoyed at Downey blowing smoke in his face.  Piper asks Downey to light a cigarette for him, then sprays him with a fire extinguisher.  18 minutes of retarded filler to waste perfectly good PPV time.  Fuck this shit.

No Holds Barred movie trailer.  I saw that movie when I was 12 and was kind of amused by it.

Sean Mooney interviews Donald Trump at ringside.  Man, Mooney was bad here.

Ventura is mad that Hogan is making movies.  Well, his movies are all pretty terrible.

Mega Powers history video.

Mean Gene interviews Hulk Hogan.

Andre the Giant (w/ Bobby Heenan) vs. Jake “The Snake” Roberts.  Big John Studd is the special guest referee.  Andre attacks Roberts as soon as he gets in the ring and sends him into an exposed turnbuckle.  How did it get exposed?  Jake fights back and goes for the snake bag, but Andre cuts him off and puts him in a half assed sleeper or something.  Studd warns Andre about driving his ass into Roberts’ crotch in the corner.  Andre chokes Roberts a bunch.  Andre methodically (see: boring) beats up Roberts.  Roberts fights back and Andre does his “tied up in the ropes” bit.  Roberts beats up Andre.  Andre gets free and beats up Roberts some more.  Roberts fights back.  Andre chops Roberts out of the ring.  Andre keeps attacking Roberts to keep him out of the ring.  Studd and Andre argue.  Roberts gets the snake bag.  Andre and Studd shove each other.  Ted Dibiase attacks Roberts from behind and steals the snake.  Roberts follows Dibiase up the aisle, decks him, and takes the snake back.  Andre chokes Studd.  Jake throws the snake in the ring to run Andre off.  Studd DQ’s Andre to give Roberts the win in 9:40.  This was the absolute drizzling shits in a show full of shit.

Sean Mooney talks to some idiot fan in the cheap seats.

Tony Schiavone interviews Sensational Sherri, who vows to take the Women’s title back and trash talks Miss Elizabeth.

The Honky Tonk Man & Greg Valentine (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. The Hart Foundation.  Honky & Valentine aren’t yet known as Rhythm & Blues.  Hart and Honky lock up.  I want to take Jimmy Hart’s megaphone and shove it up his ass.  Hart gets a reverse cradle for 2, then hits some atomic drops.  Valentine tags in and gets one too.  Hart dropkicks Valentine.  Hart tags out and slingshots Neidhart into a shoulder block on Valentine.  Hart tags back in and hits a backbreaker and goes for a diving elbow drop, but Valentine avoids it.  Honky tags in and they double team Hart behind the referee’s back.  Jimmy Hart is so fucking obnoxious.  Bret plays face in peril.  Honky hits the Shake, Rattle, & Roll on Bret.  Valentine goes for the figure-four when some kind of leg gimmick, but Bret blocks it.  Valentine cuts him off from making the tag and hits a gut buster for 2.  Bret catches Honky with a cross body for 2.  Neidhart gets the hot tag and runs wild.  Neidhart gets some near falls on Valentine, but Honky saves.  Honky tags in and gets beaten up by the Harts.  Bret hits a suplex for 2, as Valentine saves, then knocks Neidhart off the apron.  Neidhart chases Jimmy Hart around the apron.  Jimmy throws the megaphone in, but Bret catches it and hits Honky in the arm.  This somehow allows Bret to pin Honky in 7:40.  Pretty decent match besides the stupid finish.

Footage of the stupid Rick Rude/Ultimate Warrior pose down from the Royal Rumble.

WWF Intercontinental Championship Match: The Ultimate Warrior (c) vs. Rick Rude (w/ Bobby Heenan).  Awesomely, Rude has the title belt airbrushed on his tights.  Rude knees Warrior in the belt and hurts himself.  Warrior pushes him around.  Warrior bear hugs Rude.  Rude also has Warrior’s face airbrushed on the ass of his tights.  Rude hits a missile dropkick for 1.  Warrior slams Rude a couple of times and goes back to the bear hug.  Warrior bites Rude’s head, hits a back body drop, and goes for the big splash, but Rude gets his knees up.  Rude hits a piledriver for 2.  Rude hits a chin crusher and tries to dance, but his back is hurt.  Rude hits a clothesline for 2.  Rude hits a side Russian leg sweep (Monsoon calls it a neckbreaker) for 2.  Rude pulls Warrior’s arms back.  Warrior reaches the ropes and shakes them, then breaks loose.  Warrior hits a shoulder block and a face buster.  Two face busters.  Warrior hits a backbreaker, then stumbles and drops him.  Not sure what that was supposed to be.  Warrior throws Rude around some more.  Rude avoids a Stinger Splash and goes for the Rude Awakening, but Warrior powers out and hits a clothesline.  Warrior takes Rude outside, then right back in, clotheslines him out, and tries to suplex him back in.  Heenan grabs Warrior’s feet and holds on as Rude lands on top and gets the pin in 9:42.  This was pretty bad.  Warrior hits a horribly sloppy press slam on Heenan after the match.  Poor Brain.  Poor anyone who had to work with that fuck Warrior.

Bad News Brown vs. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan.  Brown goes on the attack immediately and beats up Duggan.  Duggan fights back, so Brown bails.  Brown gets back the apron and Duggan slingshots him back in.  Bad News headbutts Duggan and rams his head into the turnbuckle.  This only strengthens Duggan.  They fight some more.  They go to the floor.  Bad News sends Duggan into the post.  Back inside.  Duggan avoids the Ghetto Blaster and hits the tackle clothesline.  Brown bails and comes back with a chair.  Duggan grabs his 2×4.  They have a sword fight and get double DQ’d in 3:47.  Duggan hits Brown with the 2×4.  I apologize to the Bushwhackers, Rougeaus, Andre, and Jake.  THIS was the absolute fucking drizzling shits.

Mean Gene interviews The Red Rooster.  Seriously.

Bobby Heenan (w/ The Brooklyn Brawler) vs. The Red Rooster.  Heenan begs off.  Rooster rams his head into the turnbuckle.  Rooster beats up Heenan.  Heenan runs into the middle turnbuckle and Rooster gets the pin in 32 seconds.  Not the worst match on the show.  Brawler attacks Rooster after the match.  When Rooster tries to fight back, Brawler and Heenan run away.

Mean Gene interviews Miss Elizabeth.  She’ll be in a neutral corner for the main event.  She’s sad.

Tony Schiavone is in the empty locker room.

Sean Mooney is out amongst the marks.

WWF Championship Match: Randy Savage (c) vs. Hulk Hogan.  Miss Elizabeth is in a neutral corner.  Savage bails before any contact is made.  He throws a Hulkamania finger in the ring for some reason.  They finally lock up.  Hogan shoves Macho away.  Savage hides on the apron briefly, then they lock up again.  Hogan knocks Savage down with a shoulder block and Savage bails again.  They lock up again and Savage finally gets the advantage working a side headlock.  When Hogan tries to fight back, Savage bails again.  Hogan chases Savage around the ring, then hides behind Elizabeth like a dick.  Back inside, Hogan actually does a wrestling takedown and works a side headlock of his own.  Savage hits a backdrop suplex and goes for an elbow drop, but Hogan avoids it and punches him a bunch.  Hogan wrings Savage’s arm.  Savage thumbs Hogan in the eye and hits the diving double axe handle for 2.  Savage works Hogan’s arm.  Hogan escapes it by sending Savage out of the ring.  I love the way Jesse calls the faces out when they cheat and Monsoon acts like it’s okay.  Hogan drops Savage and hits a couple of elbow drops and a boot scrape.  Savage hits a clothesline for 2.  Hogan is bleeding.  Hogan rallies and hits an atomic drop.  He goes for an elbow drop, but Savage avoids it, rams him into the corner, and gets a schoolboy for 2.  Savage beats up Hogan.  Hogan rams Savage’s head into the turnbuckle and punches him a bunch, then clotheslines him in the corner.  Hogan body slams Savage out of the ring.  Liz goes to check on him, but he gets mad at her.  Savage pulls Hogan out of the ring and tries to ram him into stuff, but fails.  One side of the ring skirt has come off.  Hogan rams Savage’s face into the apron, then picks him up to ram him into the post, but Liz won’t let.  Savage rams Hogan into the post, then Liz checks on Hogan.  Make up your mind, woman!  Savage bitches at Liz and threatens her.  The referee makes her leave.  Good.  Savage hits a diving double axe handle to the floor that rams Hogan’s throat into the barricade.  Savage continues to work on the throat.  Savage slams Hogan and hits a knee drop for 2.  Savage chokes Hogan with his wrist tape, then with his hands.  Savage hits the diving elbow drop.  Hogan throws Savage off the cover and Hulks up.  Punches, big boot, and the leg drop for the pin in 17:55.  Pretty good match that somehow kind of feels like a better match than it is from a wrestling standpoint.  Great storytelling, I guess.  Hogan celebrates.  Replay of the finish.

Other than a few passable matches, this show was long and fucking horrible.