Archive for Brooke Hogan

TNA iMPACT! 3/17/11

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 16, 2011 by Grappleholic

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

TNA World Heavyweight Champion Sting comes out with both the puke ugly Jeff Hardy belt and a brand spanking new belt.  He calls out Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff.  Hogan and Bischoff come out.  Sting gives Hogan the puke belt, which Hogan immediately discards.  Sting bitches at Hogan for brainwashing Jeff Hardy.  Hogan says Hardy embarrassed Immortal at Victory Road, then talks for three hours about whatever else.  Something about main eventers supposedly wanting to come into TNA.  Sting asks where they are.  Bully Ray comes out, because you know he’s a world renowned main eventer.  He puts over Hogan and bashes Sting.  He wants to take out Sting.  Hogan starts to reply to him, but Fortune interrupt.  Commercials.

Sting, Hogan, Bischoff, Bully, and Fortune are all in the ring.  Styles says Fortune has Sting’s back, then talks about Bully being a joke as a singles wrestler.  Bully retorts about Styles being Dixie Carter’s child or something and about Styles being a midget.  He wants to talk about his title shot with Hogan.  Styles slaps Bully.  Ken Anderson comes out to join the party.  He still wants his title rematch so badly it’s made him retarded.  Hogan says Anderson doesn’t get a title shot because he didn’t beat RVD.  Anderson replies that RVD didn’t beat him either and calls Hogan a carrot.  Bischoff babbles about the network and books RVD vs. Anderson vs. Bully vs. Styles in a #1 Contender match tonight.  Anderson doesn’t like it, but too bad.  This segment was… um… yeah.

Kurt Angle has a big present for the newlyweds.  Commercials.

AJ Styles chats with Rob Van Dam backstage, trying to form an alliance.  RVD isn’t buying it.

TNA Knockouts Championship Match: Madison Rayne (c) (w/ Tara) vs. Alissa Flash.  Rayne attacks Flash during her entrance to get the early advantage.  In the ring, she immediately hits her finish for the pin in 17 seconds.  And silly me was actually looking forward to Alissa dragging a match out of Rayne.  Madison and Tara go for the beat down, but Mickie James runs her off.  She wants another piece of Rayne.  Rayne points out, correctly, that she’s beaten Mickie time and time again and has no incentive.  She wants Mickie to put her hair up against the title at Lockdown.  Mickie agrees.  At least it’s not her career again.

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero is backstage with a fake blind guy, a fake fat guy, and a fake wheelchair guy.  He’s going to pretend to be Jesus later.  And they’re showing us ahead of time that he’s full of shit.

Tonight, the four-way match.  Commercials.

Ken Anderson pitches a fit to Hulk Hogan in the office.  They bitch at each other.  Anderson throws out the camera man.

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero is in the ring with his fake disabled and/or obese people.  He pretends to be Jesus and heal them the blind guy and the wheelchair guy, then insults the fake fat lady.  I hate wrestling.  Samoa Joe and Okato come out.  Pope throws the fake blind guy at Joe, then bails.  Pope captures Okato and holds a knife to his throat.  Are you fucking serious?  He kicks Okato and balls and throws him down, then reveals that it’s a fake knife.  Fuck Vince Russo.  Fuck Hulk Hogan.  Fuck Eric Bischoff.  Fuck Jeff Jarrett.  Fuck Dixie Carter.  Fuck everyone else who is responsible for this fucking piece of shit of a fucking wrestling show.

Tonight, a fucking four-way.  Commercials.

Moments ago, THE WORST FUCKING SEGMENT OF ALL TIME HAPPENED, AND THEY’RE SO PROUD OF THEY’RE SHOWING IT AGAIN.

Backstage, I think the Pope is torturing and preparing to rape Okato.  Samoa Joe runs Pope off and saves Okato.  I fucking hate this company.

Rob Van Dam accuses Ken Anderson of joining Immortal.  Anderson accuses RVD of the same thing.  Apparently one of them is turning heel tonight.  Who the fuck cares?

Four-way tonight.  Commercials.

Angelina Love, Velvet Sky, and Winter are bitches to each other backstage.  Angelina was supposed to team with Velvet, but she’s teaming with Winter instead, and no fucking body cares.  Velvet’s tits are still magnificent.

Jeff and Karen Jarrett come out.  Jarrett cuts a promo about how much better than Kurt Angle he is.  He says he’s offering a truce tonight.  He wants Angle to beg for forgiveness.  Angle comes out with his big present.  Angle facetiously puts over Jarrett and offers his gift.  Jarrett opens it to find an American flag guitar.  Angle takes it and breaks it over Jarrett’s head.  Awesome.  Karen hits Angle in the balls, but he pulls out the cup he was wearing and laughs at her.  Angle says he’s sick of this shit.  He wants Jarrett at Lockdown.  Either that or he’ll keep attacking Jarrett at home or something.  Jarrett agrees, with blood in his eye, despite Karen’s protests.  AWESOME segment.  I’m a little less pissed off now.

Eric Bischoff lectures Rob Terry, Gunner, and Murphy backstage.  He tells them that Abyss has been stripped of the TV title, so tonight the three of them will meet for the title.

Tonight, Matt Morgan, Angelina Love, & Winter vs. Hernandez, Rosita, & Sarita in a Street Fight!  Anderson vs. RVD vs. Styles vs. Bully!  Commercials.

House shows!

Karen Jarrett is on the phone with 911.  Jeff is bleeding.

Terry/Gunner/Murphy hype video.  Are you fucking serious?

Three-Way Match for the TNA World Television Championship: Gunner vs. Murphy vs. Rob Terry.  Gunner and Murphy beat up Terry.  Brooke Hogan and her stepmother are in the front row.  Cops arrive backstage.  Terry hits a Polish Hammer on Gunner for 2.  They lumber around and punch each other.  Terry drops Murphy with a spin kick.  Gunner spears Terry.  Gunner hits an F-5 on Murphy for the pin in 1:46 to win the title.  This was terrible.

AJ Styles talks backstage.  Ric Flair interrupts to talk shit.  Styles decks him.

The four-way TONIGHT!  The Street Fight NEXT!  Commercials.

Karen Jarrett bitches to police.  Jeff yells at her to chill the fuck out and argues with the cops.  Ugh.

Hernandez, Sarita, & Rosita come out.  Hernandez cuts his usual promo.  They’re now called Mexican America.

Street Fight: Mexican America (Hernandez & TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions Rosita & Sarita) vs. Matt Morgan, Angelina Love, & Winter.  Everybody brawls.  The women go outside.  Morgan beats up Hernandez in the ring.  Rosita and Sarita jump on Morgan’s back.  He throws them off.  Winter and Angelina attack them.  Winter hits her spinning slam on Rosita for the pin in 1:21.  I’m not going to bitch much about this being over with quickly.  Some guy attacks Morgan.  Morgan hulks up.  Hernandez and the guy run away.  Apparently this guy is the same “fan” who jumped in the ring at Victory Road.

The four-way is next.  Commercials.

RVD/Anderson Victory Road highlight video.

Four-Way Match to determine the #1 Contender for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship: AJ Styles vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Bully Ray vs. Ken Anderson.  Styles/Bully and RVD/Anderson pair off and brawl.  Styles hits a Frankensteiner on Ray, which is pretty sweet.  He goes for a monkey flip, but Bully pushes him down.  Ray and Anderson brawl.  Bully clotheslines Anderson out of the ring.  RVD and Bully go at it.  RVD hits a spin kick and the Rolling Thunder.  Anderson pulls RVD out of the ring and clotheslines him.  Styles hits a sunset flip on Anderson for 2.  Styles goes the leap frog, drop down, dropkick.  Ray clotheslines Styles for 2.  Ray hits a sidewalk slam on Styles for 2.  Bully beats up on everyone.  RVD beats up everyone.  He goes for the Five Star Frog Splash on Anderson, but it’s avoided.  Bully hits a Rock Bottom on Anderson for 2.  Styles hits a springboard cross body on Bully for 2.  RVD hits Styles with the flying kick for 1.  Anderson hits RVD with a swinging neckbreaker for 2.  Bully avoids a dive from Ray and tries to hit him with a chair, but Hebner takes it away.  Anderson dives RVD a backdrop suplex on the chair and they pin each other in 5:53.  Bully attacks the referee, then attacks Jeremy Borash.  Styles rakes up and brawls with Bully.  Styles gets a chair and Bully begs off on the stage.  Ric Flair appears and hits Styles in the balls.  Ray gives Styles a sit-out powerbomb off the stage through a table.  Pat Kenney, Al Snow, and the geeks appear to check on them.  Commercials.

Bully Ray wakes up and shoves Al Snow and an EMT.  They show replays.  D’Lo Brown, Snow, and Pat Kenney try to get Ray out of there.  Tommy Dreamer and Fortune are out to check on Styles.  Styles gets stretchered out, but this is TNA so I’m sure he’ll be fine next week.  Kazarian goes to call Styles’ wife.  They all head off to the hospital.  They really tried to present this is a big, serious deal, but it’s TNA and it’s impossible to take anything they do seriously.

I liked the Jarrett/Angle stuff before the fucked it up with the cops, and they tried with the Bully/Styles angle, but 95% of this show was TNA 101 and a textbook example of why everyone with a brain hates their show and why they’ll never be successful.

TNA iMPACT! 3/8/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 9, 2010 by Grappleholic

New iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo, Mike Tenay and Taz are our hosts.

Hulk Hogan and Abyss come out.  Hogan cuts a promo.  THIS IS THE BIGGEST NIGHT IN TNA HISTORY!  EVEN BIGGER THAN EVERY OTHER BIGGEST NIGHT IN TNA HISTORY!  Hogan calls out AJ Styles and Ric Flair to have the match RIGHT NOW!  Dixie Carter is in the audience.

Hulk Hogan & Abyss vs. TNA World Heavyweight Champion AJ Styles & Ric Flair.  Styles is back to wearing shorts.  Abyss and Styles start.  Size vs. speed.  Abyss botches a press slam.  Flair tags in.  He and Abyss lock up.  Flair chops Abyss.  Man, I’ve never noticed how much Flair is balding in the back.  Abyss beats up Flair and backdrops him.  Styles gets in some cheap shots behind the referee’s back.  Hogan attacks Flair.  Styles drops Hogan with the Pele kick.  The heels put the boot to Hogan and Abyss.  The lights go out and Sting’s music plays.  Sting appears in the ring, bat in hand.  He (SWERVE!) attacks Abyss and Hogan instead.  It’s a no-contest in about 3 minutes.  Sting, Styles, and Flair beat down Hogan and Abyss.  Hogan gets BUSTED WIDE OPEN by a very safe chair shot from Flair.  Sting leaves.  Styles and Flair continue the beat down until security breaks it up.  Brooke Hogan is in the front row looking concerned.  Hogan says it’s not over.  They’re going to finish it before the night’s over.  It’s going to be a No DQ Match later.

Moments ago, all of that stuff happened.

Sting walks around backstage.  Dixie Carter asks him “What the hell, dude?”  Sting pushes her and says he owes her nothing.

Jeremy Borash interviews AJ Styles and Ric Flair.  Styles is such a dork.  Flair says Sting has come to his senses.  Flair is ready to fight some more.

A bloody Abyss screams “WHY, STING, WHY?”  Maybe it’s because of all those times you turned on him and tried to kick his ass a few years ago.

Hogan’s generic blond bimbo daughter sulks backstage.  His equally generic blond bimbo girlfriend tries to console her.

Kazarian cuts a promo in the ring.  He came back to TNA to reignite the X Division.  Christopher Daniels comes out and says he’ll be the one leading the X Division.  He also seems to have found his first name again.  Doug Williams comes out and assures them that the X Division is alive and well, because he’s the champion.  Kazarian and Daniels bicker.  Eric Bischoff comes out and books a three-way match for the title RIGHT NOW!

Three-Way Match for the TNA X Division Championship: Doug Williams (c) vs. Kazarian vs. Daniels.  They do an awesome sequence where they take turns cradling each other.  Daniels goes for the Angel’s Wings, backdrops Kaz in the process.  Daniels dropkicks Williams.  Kazarian drops Daniels.  Kazarian and Williams go.  Awesome spot where Kazarian gets a reverse cradle on Williams at the same time as a Northern Lights suplex hold on Daniels for 2 counts.  More stuff happens.  Kazarian takes out Daniels and Williams with a suicide dive.  Williams avoids a slingshot leg drop by Kazarian and kicks him down.  They cut away to show Dixie Carter pacing backstage.  Daniels trips Kazarian and gets back into the mix.  Daniels drops Kazarian with an STO and hits a Lionsault elbow for 2.  Daniels drops Williams and hits a Death Valley bomb on Kazarian for 2.  Williams hits Daniels and goes up top.  Daniels meets him.  Williams fights him off.  They clothesline each other.  Kazarian hits a dropkick to both of them.  Kazarian runs wild.  He drops Daniels with a springboard elbow and a springboard leg drop for 2.  Daniels goes for the Angel’s Wings, but Williams hits a diving European uppercut.  Williams goes for the Chaos Theory, but Daniels schoolboys him in the middle of it.  Neat.  Kazarian drops Daniels with a neckbreaker for 2.  Daniels hits a Uranage and goes for the BME, but Kazarian moves.  Williams comes in and pushes Daniels into Kazarian, then hits the Chaos Theory on Daniels for the pin in 6:49.  Awesome little match.  Shannon Moore runs in and beats up Williams.  Eric Bischoff comes back out and announces Williams vs. Moore for the X Division Title at Destination X.  Fuck.

Dixie Carter tells JB that Sting will have a match tonight against a mystery opponent.

Three-Way Match for the TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship: Taylor Wilde & Sarita vs. The Beautiful People (w/ Lacey Von Erich) vs. TNA Knockouts Champion Tara & Angelina Love.  The Beautiful People stay away from Love and Tara.  Sarita and Wilde schoolgirl them for nothing.  Wilde and Tara go at it.  Wilde tags out quickly to Sarita.  Velvet tags herself in.  Sarita drops Tara with a cross body and Velvet covers for 2.  The Beats work over Tara.  Wilde and Sarita come in and go after the Beauts.  Lacey trips them and the Beauties dropkick them.  Love comes in and drops Sky.  Tara goes for the Widow’s Peak on Rayne.  Daffney sneaks in behind the referee’s back and nails Tara with the Knockouts title belt.  Rayne pins Tara in 2:13.  Very disappointing.  These women can wrestle.  Why don’t you let them?

Christy Hemme interviews “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  His scheduled opponent tonight, Desmond Wolfe, jumps him and attacks his injured ankle, hitting it with a chain.  Ouch.

Sting is in action NEXT!  Taz makes a pot joke, making sure anyone with half a brain could figure out who his opponent is.

JB interviews the NEW Knockouts Tag Team Champions, The Beautiful People.  They’re stoked to finally be champions.  JB calls for champagne.  Sky pours it on JB’s head.

Tenay and Taz talk about Sting’s reprehensible actions.  They show the aforementioned actions from earlier tonight.

Sting comes out.  His mystery opponent is ROB VAN DAM!

Sting vs. Rob Van Dam.  RVD comes in through the crowd, hits the flying kick on Sting, and follows with the Rolling Thunder for the pin in 9 seconds.  Sting attacks him with the bat, leaves him laying, and leaves.  No, wait.  He comes back and beats down RVD with the bat some more.  “That damn thing’s a weapon!”  Well no shit, Taz.  Sting hits some refs with the bat, too.  Crowd chants “RVD!” the whole time.  Sting comes back to the ring and whacks RVD with the bat again.  Hulk Hogan comes out.  Bubba the worthless piece of worthless Sponge holds him back from doing anything.  Fuck that guy.  Sting hits RVD with the bat some more.  Hogan goes after Sting again, but security holds him back, so Sting kills RVD to some more.  Sting takes a whack at Hogan too.  Sting whacks some security guys and hits Hogan with the bat again.  This shit went way too long.

Tenay and Taz talk some more.

Kevin Nash’s music hits.  Random shot of Eric Bischoff sitting backstage.  Nash and Eric Young come out.  Nash says he has a contract for Scott Hall and Syxx-Pac to face him and  Young at Destination X.  Nash calls them out.  Commercials.

Random commercial cut away: Scott Hall and Syxx-Pac are in the building!

Nash and Young are still waiting.  Hall and Syxx-Pac come in through the crowd.  Security gets in the ring to make sure order is maintained.  Hall calls Nash a sell out, Hogan’s goon, etc.  Hall still wants contracts.  He calls for Bischoff.  Bischoff appears on the screen and says that if Hall and Pac win at Destination X, they get contracts.  If they lose, they leave TNA.  They agree.  Pac slaps Young.  Young jumps his ass.  Security separates them.  Bischoff tells security to get Nash and Hall away from ringside and books Young vs. Pac.  He gives young permission to “Slap that punk upside his bitch head.”

Eric Young vs. Syxx-Pac.  Young jumps Pac and kicks his ass.  Pac fights back with kicks.  Young drops him with a clothesline then backdrops him.  Pac drops him with a spin kick and goes for the Bronco Buster.  Young avoids it and hits a piledriver for the pin in 1:13.

A bunch of soldiers arrive in a hummer.

Go to ShopTNA.com and buy crap!

Kurt Angle comes out with the entryway flanked by the soldiers.  He cuts a promo on Mr. Anderson.  They’ll meet at Destination X.  Anderson appears on the screen to retort.  Angle goes to the interview set (I never realized it was just there in the arena) and kicks his ass to the ring.  Anderson hits Angle with the dog tag and tries to leave, but the soldiers won’t let him.  Angle beats up Anderson and throws him outside to the soldiers, who kick his ass.  Repeated on each side of the ring.  Lucky for Anderson that’s a four sided ring now.  Angle drills Anderson with the Angle Slam.  Crowd chants “BREAK IS ANKLE!”  Angle stands over Anderson, holding the flag high.  The soliders come in and lift Angle up on their shoulders.

More pseudo-shooty crap with Bubba trying to talk Hogan out of wrestling.  Earl Hebner comes in and begs for a second chance.  Bubba convinces Hogan to give Hebner a second chance.  Hogan makes Hebner promise to stop the match if it gets out of control.  What the fuck is that?

Tenay and Taz hype the Destination X card.

Jeff Jarrett talks to Mick Foley (suited up!), then talks to James Storm.  He asks if Beer Money was forced into the match tonight.  Storm says they volunteered.  Jarrett bitches him out.  Storm says “Sorry about your damn…”  Jarrett punches him.  Robert Roode jumps Jarrett from behind.  Foley comes back and tells them to take it to the ring.  So Beer Money are heels now with no explanation?

Video featuring the smoking hot So Cal Val and the gay Jeremy Borash.

Handicap Match: Beer Money vs. Jeff Jarrett.  Mick Foley is the special guest referee.  They’ve been beating up Jarrett since the last segment.  The match finally starts.  Jarrett tries to fight back.  Roode hits a spinebuster.  Beer Money does their awesome catapult into a DDT double team move.  Storm hits the Eye of the Storm.  Roode holds Jarrett for Storm to spit beer in his face.  Jarrett moves and Roode gets it.  Jarrett kicks Storm in the balls behind the referee’s back and makes a comeback.  He clotheslines Roode out of the ring, the backdrops Storm out.  Jarrett follows them and knocks their heads together.  Jarrett takes a bump into the guard rail.  Foley gives him the barbed wire bat.  Slick Johnson runs in and takes it away.  Beer Money hits the DWI on Jarrett and Roode gets the pin (counted by Slick) in 3:42.  This was stupid.

Hogan and Abyss talk backstage.  Brooke comes in crying.  Hogan promises her that he won’t wrestle again after tonight.  This was also stupid.

Random cut away from commercial: Flair and Styles are backstage.

No DQ Match: TNA World Heavyweight Champion AJ Styles & Ric Flair vs. Hulk Hogan & Abyss.  Hogan and Flair lock up and hobble to the corner.  Flair chops Hogan.  Hogan backdrops Flair.  Hogan throws some punches and sends Flair to the outside.  The brawl outside.  Flair bleeds like a mofo.  Flair chops and punches Hogan.  Hogan replies in kind, and pokes him in the eye for good measure.  Abyss beats up Flair on the ramp and throws him back in the ring.  Hogan whips Flair with his weight belt.  Flair hits Hogan in the balls and tags in Styles.  Man, Flair is bleeding like crazy.  I’d say about a 7 on the Muta Scale.  Styles beats up Hogan.  Styles opens up Hogan’s cut from earlier.  Hogan plays face in peril.  Hogan throws Flair off the top rope.  Styles tags in.  Hogan makes the hot tag to Abyss, who runs wild.  Abyss chokeslams them both.  Styles tries to get rolling.  Hogan beats up Flair on the outside.  Styles hits the sprinboard forearm on Abyss for 2.  Hogan and Abyss hulk up.  Double big boots.  Hogan whips Styles into Abyss, who hits the Black Hole Slam for the pin in 7:55.  A fun nostalgia match.  Desmond Wolfe appears and hits Abyss with a chair.  He tries to hit Hogan, but Hogan grabs the chair.  Flair cheap shots Hogan.  The Pope runs in for the save. but Styles clips his bad leg.  JEFF HARDY comes out and cleans house.  Front suplex to Wolfe.  Twist of Fate to Styles.  Hardy goes up top… and the show ends.  Really?  Couldn’t stay with it for a few more seconds?

There was some crap and a few logic gaps, but overall, this was a fun show, and it was better than Raw, which was a fucking abortion this week.

TNA Genesis 2010 (Repost)

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 17, 2010 by Grappleholic

TNA Wrestling… Cross The Line!  They should change it to “TNA… We are wrestling’s old folks home.”  PPV opening video, pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are our hosts for the first TNA PPV of 2010.

Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff come down the ramp that goes all the way to the ring, which is now a normal 4 sided ring.  Hogan puts over the changes.  Crowd chants “WE WANT SIX SIDES!”  Hogan says the four sided ring is where wrestling was meant to be done.  Hogan bashes TNA’s “competitor.”  Bischoff says there’s a lot more change to come.  Hogan ends by warning Vince McMahon that TNA is coming for him.  You’d think these goofs would have learned by now that you can’t out-Vince Vince McMahon.

Tenay and Taz do their opening bit: putting over TNA, bashing the “competition,” and hyping the card for tonight.

TNA X Division Championship Match: Amazing Red (c) vs. Brian Kendrick.  Kendrick is the mystery opponent, still basically doing the “THE Brian Kendrick” gimmick.  The announcers don’t make a big deal out of Kendrick.  Kendrick applies an ARMBAR! to start.  They roll in and out of holds a bit.  Kendrick works the armbar and a crossface.  Awesome little sequence that was too quick to describe.  Red ranas Kendrick out of the ring, teases a dive, Kendrick gets back in and kinda spears him, then kicks him out of the ring.  Kendrick throws some kicks at Red’s leg and works the leg a bit.  The announcers talk about Bobby Lashley claiming that he’s not going to wrestle tonight.  Kendrick keeps working the leg.  Red fights back, sends Kendrick out of the ring, and takes him out with a flip dive from the top rope.  The announcers keep mentioning Brooke Hogan at ringside.  Back inside, Red hits a dropkick off the top for 2.  Red comes off the top for another move, but Kendrick avoids him and applies a half crab.  More torture for the leg.  Red lands a kick.  They trade blows.  Red takes Kendrick down with a head scissors and gets a 2 count.  Kendrick lands a one legged dropkick for 2.  He puts the boots to Red.  “X DIVISION!” chant.  Red hits a springboard Code Red for the pin in 9:04.  Match was okay, but a little slow and sloppy in places.

Bischoff and Hogan talk to The Band backstage.  They reiterate that Hall and Waltman aren’t under contracts and have to earn their spots.  Hall and Waltman play Rock, Paper, Scissors to decide which of them will wrestle tonight.  Waltman wins 2 out of 3.

Sean Morley comes out for his match.  The show his fight with Daniels last week on iMPACT!  He gives his towel to Brooke Hogan, then does the same spiel he was doing 10 years ago.  Crowd chants “WE WANT WRESTLING!”  Daniels comes out, bitches about Morley’s shtick, threatens to slap fans, and gets in the ring for…

Sean Morley vs. Daniels.  They brawl.  Daniels bails.  Morley pursues.  They trade blows back inside.  Daniels tries to bail again, but Morley won’t let him.  Morley hits a side Russian leg sweep for 2.  Morley targets Daniels’ ribs.  Daniels pulls Morley across the ropes and starts getting the advantage on him.  Daniels applies something of a triangle choke.  The referee forces him to break it.  I think Morley is supposed to be the babyface here, but he’s getting booed and Daniels is getting cheered, despite Daniels being a dick to the crowd before the match.  Daniels does a swank head scissors on the ropes to choke Morley, then kicks him in the head and hits his weird sorta split legged moonsault.  Daniels continues to choke Morley at every opportunity.  Morley fights back and targets Daniels’ ribs again.  Blue Thunder Driver gets 2 for Morley.  Crowd chants “THAT’S HIS MOVE!”  Daniels does do that move, doesn’t he?  Daniels locks in the Koji Clutch.  Crowd chants “SIT DOWN BROOKE!” at Brooke Hogan, who apparently was standing up.  Daniels hits an STO for 2.  Morley avoids the BME and hits a half nelson slam, then goes up top.  Daniels hits the Venus palm strike and goes for an Iconoclasm.  Morley stops it.  Daniels hits another palm strike and tries a Frankensteiner off the top, but Morley holds on to the ropes, then hits the Money Shot for the pin in 9:07.  Fine little match, but the Impact Zone mutants hurt it.

Tara/ODB video package.  Tenay and Taz go over the Tale of the Tape.  It’s really not a Tale of the Tape.  Idiots.

2/3 Falls Match for the TNA Knockouts Championship: ODB (c) vs. Tara.  They go chest to chest, then pull each others’ hair.  ODB pulls some of Tara’s extensions out, so Tara kicks her ass.  Tara hits the standing moonsault for 2.  Tara chops ODB in the tits and ODB sells it.  Tara throws some kicks and drops ODB with an enzuigiri.  Hilo leg drop gets 2.  ODB fights back and hits a fall away slam, nips up, and gets inside cradled by Tara for the pin in 2:43 to win the first fall.  Some football player is in the crowd.  Nobody but Tenay and Taz care.  ODB beats up Tara.  Tara catches ODB with an elbow in the corner and locks in the tarantula.  ODB sends Tara to the floor with a baseball slide dropkick.  ODB stun guns Tara into the ring apron.  Ouch.  Brooke tries to help Tara and gets chastised by ODB.  ODB gets in the ring and checks her pulse.  ODB grabs Tara on the apron and throws her back in.  Cover gets 2.  ODB checks her pulse again and clamps on a body scissors.  ODB does the rolling Kobashi cradle for 2.  ODB keeps going back to the body scissors and adds a sleeper to it.  Tara finally escapes.  ODB pulls something from between her tits, then hits a running powerslam for 2.  ODB checks her pulse again.  Tara hits the Widow’s Peak for the pin at 9:34 to win it in 2 straight falls.  This match was not good at all.

Christy Hemme interviews “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  The Pope is pimpin’, according to him.

Tenay and Taz go over the Tag Lines.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match: The British Invasion (c) vs. Matt Morgan & Hernandez.  Magnus starts with Morgan and bails after a moment.  Back in, Magnus avoids a chokeslam and tags in Williams.  Hernandez stops the Brits from hitting the double necktie.  The Brits bail.  Back in, Williams hits Hernandez with some European uppercuts and a knee int he corner, then tries a suplex.  They counter each other, then Hernandez hits a back body drop on Williams.  Hernandez uses his shirt to toss Williams.  Williams catches him in the corner with a boot then dives on him.  Hernandez catches him and goes for a powerbomb, but Magnus clips his leg.  The Brits hit a double superplex on Hernandez.  Williams tags in Magnus.  Double necktie on Hernandez.  Magnus throws some punches at him and clamps on a rear chin lock.  Crowd does the “OLE!” chant to encourage Hernandez.  Magnus applies an abdominal stretch and holds hands with Williams for more leverage… or just because they’re fruits.  The referee stops the assist.  Hernandez hits a big whirly power move on Magnus.  Morgan gets the tag and cleans house.  Revolving elbows in the corner to Williams.  Taz uses his former broadcast partner’s “VINTAGE!” line.  Williams hits a diving European uppercut.  Hernandez drops Williams.  Magnus drops Hernandez.  Morgan drops Magnus.  Morgan chokeslams Williams for 2.  Magnus decks Hernandez to knock him off the apron, then kicks Morgan into a German from Williams for 2.  Magnus tags in.  Brits try some double teaming, but Morgan deals with them both.  He tosses Williams off the top rope.  Hernandez takes on Williams, then hits something of a reverse powerbomb on Magnus.  Morgan finishes off Magnus with the Carbon Footprint for the pin in 8:51.  This wasn’t very good either.  The new champs celebrate.

Bobby Lashley barges into Bischoff’s office, where Bischoff is talking to Abyss.  Abyss kicks Lashley’s ass and whacks him with a monitor of some sort.  Bischoff is mad at Abyss for taking out his opponent for tonight, even though Abyss was just trying to protect Bischoff.  Hogan comes in and tells he’s going to have a match tonight.  They talk about being crazy.

Desmond Wolfe (w/ generic bimbo) vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  Pope kisses Wolfe’s companion, which prompts a “POPE IS PIMPIN’!” chant.  They go at it.  Pope takes a light bump to the outside.  Pope comes back and locks Pope  into something like a reverse tarantula.  Diving fist drop from Pope gets 2.  Pope hits his “slide over the other guy out of the ring” move and appears to hurt his knee.  Wolfe goes after him and says he’s no dummy.  Wolfe works Pope’s knee.  Pope fights back and manages to avoid the Tower of London, then spears Wolfe.  Pope hits a weird but neat suplex for 2.  I got distracted for a minute, then Pope got an inside cradle for 2.  Pope tries a backslide, but Wolfe counters.  Pope gets another inside cradle for 2.  Pope hits a whiplash move for 2.  Pope hits sort of an Alabama Slam for 2.  Pope goes for the Elijah Express, but Wolfe nails him with the jawbreaker lariat for the pin 13:31.  It was fine, but nothing you’re going to remember tomorrow.

Tenay and Taz talk about what we’ve seen and what’s still to come.

Jeremy Borash is in the back to do some sort of interview.  Eric Bischoff interrupts and tells him he’s taking him off television.  He hands the mic to Christy Hemme.  Ric Flair steps in, so Christy decides to interview him.  He’s not ready to explain what the hell he’s doing in TNA.

The Band/Beer Money video package.

Kevin Nash & Syxx-Pac vs. Beer Money.  Waltman is announced as “Syxx-Pac,” so I guess that’s the name he’s going with this time around.  Pac and Storm start.  Pac feigns some kicks, then gets hip tossed and arm dragged.  Crowd chants “HOGAN SUCKS!” I think.  Tag to Roode, some double teaming, and knee drop to Pac for 2.  Nash tags in and there goes any chance of this match being good.  Roode throws some chops at Nash, then tries to knock him down with clotheslines but fails twice, finally succeeds on the third.  Tag to Storm.  Beer Money does the wishbone spot to Nash, then drop toe holds Pac into Nash’s balls.  The Band works over Storm.  Nash is shockingly spry at one point in stopping Storm from tagging out.  Storm hits a Codebreaker on Nash.  Pac tags in.  Roode gets the hot tag and cleans house on Pac.  Nash comes in and gets dealt with by Roode as well.  Roode hits a spinebuster on Pac and covers, but Nash saves.  Nash charges Roode in the corner and gets kicked in the head by Storm.  Beer Money double suplexes Pac and does the BEER!  MONEY! post.  Scott Hall comes out and distracts Beer Money.  Nash runs through them with a double clothesline.  Chokeslam to Roode gets 2.  Hall beats up a “fan.”  Pac goes to restrain him.  Storm superkicks Nash, leading to Roode getting the pin with a jackknife hold in 9:44.  Match was good in parts, but the end was a confusing mess.

Hulk Hogan tells Eric Bischoff that he’s going to deal with The Band this Thursday on Impact.  They’re such douches.  Oh, and TNA has finally introduced the invisible camera.

Abyss vs. Ken Anderson.  Mr. “Don’t call me Kennedy” Anderson is the big surprise that Hogan talked about on Impact.  He does his hole introducing himself bit before the match.  Anderson slaps Abyss.  Abyss slugs him back and drops him.  Kennedy gets shoved around, then hammers Abyss with punches.  More back and forth brawling.  Anderson clips Abyss’ knee, then kicks him in the arm.  Abyss bails.  Anderson follows him out  and smacks the bad arm against anything he can find.  Crowd chants “OVERRATED!” at Anderson.  He grabs a chair, but Abyss kicks it out of his hands and fights back.  Anderson chokes Abyss with a boot back inside.  Anderson sends Abyss into the turnbuckle and schoolboys him for 2.  Anderson continues working the arm.  Abyss comes back and drops Anderson with a big boot, whips him into the corner, wastes a bunch of time clapping his hands, then squashes Anderson in the corner.  Sidewalk slam gets 2.  Anderson rakes Abyss’ eyes to escape the Shock Treatment and hits a hangman’s neckbreaker for 2.  Anderson comes off the top and gets caught and chokeslammed.  Cover gets 2.  Abyss hits the Shock Treatment for 2.  Abyss brings in a chair.  Anderson pulls a pair of brass knucks out of his trunks.  The referee takes the chair away  and goes to put it away.  While his back is turned. Anderson KO’s Abyss with the knucks and gets the pin in 10:36.  Yeah, this one wasn’t any good either.  Anderson announces himself as the winner while still selling the beating.

Angle/Styles video package.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: AJ Styles (c) vs. Kurt Angle.  They lock up.  The crowd is obnoxious.  They wrestle, and it’s good, but the crowd has to do their obnoxious dueling chants.  Then they chant “YOU’RE BOTH AWESOME!”  I want to personally strangle them all.  Angle takes Styles down, so Styles bails.  Styles takes Angle down, so Angle bails.  Man this crowd is so fucking annoying.  Why the fuck do they feel the need to chant constantly?  Angle gets a schoolboy for 2.  More fast wrestling.  Man this would be great in front of a decent crowd.  They work a Greco Roman knuckle lock.  Man, I don’t know why the mutants are bothering me so much today.  Styles hits a dropkick and clamps on a rear chin lock.  More stuff happens.  Styles elbows Angle out of the ring and tries to dive, but Angle pulls him down and sends AJ’s face into the apron.  Angle rolls Styles back in and covers for 2.  Angle hits a tilt a whirl backbreaker for 2.  More stuff happens.  Angle hits a release German suplex on Styles, then puts the boots to him in the corner.  Another backbreaker gets 2 for Angle.  Styles starts fighting back, then they hit each other with cross body blocks.  Ric Flair comes out and stands at ringside.  Angle and Styles trade blows.  Styles sends Angle to the floor and hits a suicide dive.  Man, those guardrails are awfully close to the ring in this new set up.  Back side, Angle catches AJ with a boot in the corner, then AJ hits that fireman’s carry backbreaker thing.  AJ hits the springboard forearm for 2.  Angle backdrops out of the Styles Clash and hits the rolling Germans on Styles.  Angle goes for the Angle Slam, but Styles arm drags out of it.  Styles tries a German, but Angle goes behind and hits another release German for 2.  Styles avoids the Angle Slam again and hits the Pele kick for 2.  Styles goes for the Clash again, but Angle rams him into the corner.  Angle drops Styles with aclothesline for 2.  Angle goes for the ankle lock, but Styles avoids it and drops Angle with a clothesline.  Styles hits a diving rana, then goes for the springboard 450, but Angle moves.  Angle hits the Angle Slam, but Styles kicks out.  Angle goes for his gorgeous moonsault, but Styles moves out of the way.  Styles goes for the Styles Clash again, but Angle counters and locks in the ankle lock.  AJ fights out, gets backdropped to the apron and hits a springboard cross body for 2.  Styles tries a Styles Clash from the top, fails, dives at Angle.  Angle catches him and hits AJ with his own Styles Clash for a 2 count.  Angle tries the Angle Slam again, but Styles turns it into a DDT.  Styles hits Angle’s own Angle Slam for 2.  Styles goes up top.  Angle sprints up and hits the Angle Slam off the top.  Styles kicks out at 2.  Okay Kurt, you’ve officially killed your finish.  Happy?  Angle locks in the ankle lock again.  Styles tries to fight out, but Angle keeps it clamped on.  Angle grapevines the leg.  Ric Flair pulls referee Earl Hebner out of the ring just in time for him to not see Styles tap out.  Angle goes after Flair, chasing him out of and into the ring.  Styles drops Angle with a clothesline.  Flair throws AJ the belt to use as a weapon.  AJ nails Kurt with the belt.  Flair throws Hebner into the ring to count the pin in 28:47.  And here I was thinking that TNA was going to get through a whole PPV without anyone interfering for the finish.  It was still a good match, but I thought their TV match was loads better.  Styles and Flair celebrate to end the show.

Man, this was not a good show.  Hogan and Bischoff are obviously booking what they want and not giving a fuck what the fans (even if they are annoying morons in the Impact Zone) want, which Hogan made clear in his opening promo.  Fuck this company.