Archive for Ashton Kutcher

WWE Monday Night Raw 5/31/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 3, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open.

Cut straight to the arena, where Edge is beating the shit out of Evan Bourne.  Bourne hits his double knees and lands some kicks.  Bourne goes for the Shooting Star press, but Edge avoids it and spears Bourne.  Edge takes the mic and cuts a promo about his Fatal 4 Way opponents.  Randy Orton comes out.  Edge bitches at him while acting all crazy.  Orton hits the RKO, then poses.

Tonight, John Cena & Randy Orton vs. Edge & Sheamus.  Also, guest host Ashton Kutcher.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Ashton Kutcher bitches to Eve Torres about Zack Ryder talking smack about him on Twitter.  He’s going to put a hit on Ryder.  The Miz comes in.  Kutcher tells him that per GM Bret Hart, Miz has a match against Daniel Bryan tonight(!!!).  Miz says he’ll beat Bryan to a bloody pulp.  Some other stupid bickering.

Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are the announcers.  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

Non-Title: WWE United States Champion R-Truth vs. Chris Jericho.  Jericho points at Truth.  Truth dances.  They lock up.  Jericho grabs a side headlock.  Truth hops around and hits a hip toss.  Truth catapults Jericho out of the ring and takes him out with a dive.  Commercials.  Jericho has Truth in a rear chin lock.  Boy, that was unpredictable.  Truth fights out and schoolboys Jericho for 2.  Jericho hits an enzuigiri for 2.  Jericho beats up Truth.  Truth hits a forearm and makes his comeback.  Truth hits a flying head scissors and a big boot for 2.  Jericho hits the bulldog.  Truth avoids the Lionsault.  Jericho avoids the scissors kick and goes for the Walls of Jericho, but Truth counters it.  Truth botches a front suplex for 2.  Jericho pokes Truth in the eye behind the referee’s back and hits a clothesline for 2.  Truth does some more break dancing shit.  Jericho locks in the Walls of Jericho, but Truth turns it into a cradle for the pin in 9:47.  Good match.  Jericho looks distraught.

Cena & Orton vs. Edge & Sheamus tonight.

NXT finale is tomorrow!

Last week, Batista quit and Bret Hart was introduced as the new GM.

Zack Ryder and Alicia Fox are in Bret’s office.  Ryder accuses Bret of being hired to take him out.  Well, he is the Hitman.  The Hart Dynasty and Natalya come in and talk about the Usos, who debuted attacking the Hart Dynasty next week.  Bret tells them to deal with it.

Santino Marella and Eve Torres come out.  They’re in a tag match next.  Eve looks a tit bit nipply tonight.

Santino Marella & WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres vs. William Regal (w/ Vladimir Kozlov) & Maryse.  Santino takes the mic before the match and tries again to talk Kozlov into teaming with him.  Santino says Eve will make love to him.  Eve quickly refutes that.  Whatever.  Maryse and Eve start.  Eve completely whiffs a dropkick.  Regal and Santino come in.  Santino fucks around.  Regal kicks his ass, which is glorious.  Regal hits an Exploder, then locks in the Regal Stretch.  Eve breaks it up.  Maryse tackles her, which distracts the ref.  Kozlov comes in and hits the Iron Curtain on Regal.  Kozlov and Maryse leave.  Santino pins Regal in 2:30.  Fun times.

Bret Hart is headed our way.

Memorial Day dedication.

Raw GM Bret Hart comes out.  He announces next week’s 3 hour Raw, with Raw and Smackdown talent, and they’re taking ideas from fans and wrestlers.  Sure they are.  Ted Dibiase Jr. and Virgil come out.  Dibiase wants to buy the GM job for the night.  Ashton Kutcher appears on the screen and proposes that next week’s Raw be Viewer’s Choice.  Bret agrees.  Vince McMahon comes out.  So much for his character being done after WrestleMania.  Dibiase and Virgil leave while Vince gets in the ring with Bret.  Vince talks to Bret for a while, then says the fans are like children.  He wishes Bret luck, then calls for cheers for himself and prances around the ring.  Stupid segment.

Zack Ryder accuses Randy Orton of being the one to take him out.  They leave.  Edge slams Orton’s locker room door into Orton’s injured shoulder.

University of Texas!

Moments ago, Edge hurt Randy Orton’s bad shoulder.

The Miz vs. Daniel Bryan.  They show the altercations between Cole and Bryan and Miz and Bryan on NXT last week.  Cole is in fine form tonight.  Danielson is in full MMA mode and it’s awesome.  Miz avoids Danielson in the corner and drops him with a lariat to the back of the head, then kicks his ass, then kicks him in the head for 2.  Miz beats on Bryan some more.  Miz hits a diving double axe handle.  Miz lands some more punches.  Danielson locks on a crossface hold.  Miz turns it into a pinning predicament.  Danielson counters into a crucifix hold for the pin in 2:07.  Cole looks dumbfounded.  Miz jumps Bryan and throws him out of the ring.  Miz tries to make Danielson apologize to Cole.  Danielson rams Miz’s face into the table, then throws him into Cole.  Fucking awesome, everything about this.  Just fucking hate filled awesomeness.

NXT finale is tomorrow!

Cole whines to Lawler.

Slam of the Week: Last Monday, the debuting Uso Brothers and Tamina jumped the Hart Dynasty and Natalya.

The Usos and Tamina are in the ring.  The introduce themselves (using the names Jay and Jimmy Uso).  They talk about their own family history, going back to the Wild Samoans.  They’re not stereotypical Samoans because they act black.  Tamina talks about the lack of respect their families get compared to the Harts.  She’s bitter that her dad, Jimmy Snuka, was in the corner in the main event at WrestleMania I.  The Hart Dynasty and Natalya come out and brawl with them.  They go for the Hart Attack on one of the Usos, but Tamina trips Kidd.  Usos lay out the Harts again and hit their splashes in triplicate.  Good segment.

Earlier tonight, Edge hurt Orton’s shoulder.  Yes, they showed it again.  WILL Orton be able to take part in the main event?

Zack Ryder and Alicia Fox come to the ring.  He demands that Kutcher reveal who the hitman is.  Jerry Lawler comes into the ring with a chair, sits down, and leaves.  Great Khali comes out.  Is Kutcher even at the arena?  They’ve only shown him on the screen.  Ryder and Fox bail.  Kutcher says Khali isn’t the hitman.  Goldust comes out.  Not him either.  Ryder begs Kutcher to tell him who it is.  Ashton says he’ll never see it coming.  Fox says she’s tired of the joke, then drops the mic.  Ryder bends over to pick it up.  Fox hits him with her scissors kick.  Stupid segment.

Edge and Sheamus chat backstage.

This Week In WWE History: Junkyard Dog.  This week is the 12th anniversary of his death.

Next week’s guest hosts are the cast of the A-Team: Quinton “Rampage” Jackson, Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, and Sharlto Copley.  The show will be Viewer’s Choice.

Entrances for the main event.  Orton is out of the match from Edge’s attack, which we see for the trillionth time tonight.  John Cena introduces his replacement partner, Evan Bourne!

Edge & Sheamus vs. WWE Champion John Cena & Evan Bourne.  Cena and Edge lock up.  Edge beats up Cena early on.  Bourne takes in and takes down Edge with a cool arm move.  Bourne hits some ranas and a spin kick.  Edge bails.  Commercials.  Cena beats up Sheamus.  Bourne tags in and hits a running taint to the corner for 2.  Edge tags in and beats up Bourne.  Sheamus tries to suplex Bourne, but gets countered.  Sheamus cuts off Bourne from making the tag and nails him with the Polish hammer for 2.  Bourne continues to play face in peril.  Bourne drops Edge and makes the hot tag to Cena.  Cena runs wild on Sheamus, who also tags in.  Cena avoids the pump kick and Bourne kicks Sheamus in the head from the apron.  Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment, then avoids a spear from Edge.  Bourne tags in and hits the Shooting Star press on Sheamus for the pin in 11:18!  Yay!  Pretty good little tag match, and it’s awesome to see Bourne get a big win.  Cena and Bourne celebrate.

Good show overall, by Raw standards.

WWE Monday Night Raw 5/24/10

Posted in WWE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 30, 2010 by Grappleholic

WWE open, Cena/Batista Over The Limit highlights, Raw open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are the announcers LIVE from Toledo, Ohio!  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

Batista comes to the ring, wounded and helped by referees.  He sits in a wheelchair and demands his spotlight.  He says he only said “I Quit” last night because his life was in danger.  He’s contemplating a lawsuit against John Cena, WWE, and all of the fans.  He says his injuries could keep him out for years.  Everyone cheers.  Then he says he wants a rematch.  Justin Roberts interrupts to introduces the new Raw General Manager, Bret Hart!  Hart says he’s in charge now and at Fatal 4 Way, John Cena will defend the WWE Championship against three opponents that will have to win qualifying matches tonight.  Batista says he’s hurt.  Hart says Batista’s opponent will be another hurt man, Randy Orton.  Batista says Bret can’t make him compete.  Hart says he can either take it or forfeit.  Batista says if Hart does that, he’ll quit.  Bret says Orton wins by forfeit and leaves.  Batista yells about how important he is and quits.  Crowd cheers.  Yay!  Batista leaves as the crowd sings the goodbye song.

WWE.com plug.

Moments ago, Batista quit.

Fatal 4 Way Qualifying Match: Mark Henry vs. Sheamus.  Henry overpowers Sheamus to start and throws him out of the ring.  Sheamus pulls Henry’s arm over the top rope.  Sheamus goes on the attack and works Henry’s arm.  Henry makes a comeback.  Henry hits a big splash for 2.  Sheamus goes up top.  Henry tries to press slam him, but it hurts his arm.  Sheamus hits the pump kick for the pin in 4:03.  It was a match.

So far, the PPV match is Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. Sheamus.

Being the new GM, Bret Hart has vacated the United States Championship.  Tonight, The Miz vs. R-Truth for the vacant title!

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Tonight, Jon Lovitz’s Superstar Search.  Fuch.

Jon Lovitz talks to Mr. McMahon on the phone.  Maryse comes in.  Lovitz thinks she’s the masseuse.  He says he’s been teaching a submission move to Santino.  He speaks French to her.  She’s interested in something.  He blows her off.  She jumps at him and he flinches.  Fucking retarded segment.

Bret Hart talks to Edge, who wants a title shot.  They negotiate.  Chris Jericho comes in.  He also wants a title shot.  Bret says they’ll face John Cena in a Triple Threat Match tonight, and if one of them wins, they’re in the Fatal 4 Way.  Edge says he’s a better champion and Canadian than both Hart and Jericho.  Jericho tells Hart not to make an enemy out of him.  Whatever.

Slam of the Week: Eve Torres beat Maryse to retain the Divas Title at Over The Limit.

Maryse & Alicia Fox vs. WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres & Gail Kim.  Fox and Gail go at it.  Maryse tags in and beats up Gail.  Eve gets the hot tag and runs wild on Maryse.  Eve hits a standing moonsault.  Fox saves.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Fox kicks Eve and Maryse hits the DDT for the pin in 2:04.  Whatever.

Last week, Bret Hart beat The Miz for the United States Championship in a ludicrous match.  Now the title is vacant, but will be decided NEXT!

WWE United States Championship Match: R-Truth vs. The Miz.  R-Truth raps during his entrance and Miz cuts a promo during his.  Miz plays chickenshit, then cheap shots R-Truth to get the early advantage.  Truth responds with his wacky strikes and gets a front cradle for 2.  Miz bails.  Insta-commercials.  Miz beats up Truth on the outside.  Crowd chants “BORING!”  During the break, R-Truth failed a suicide dive and landed on his head.  Back in the ring, cover gets 2.  Miz beats up Truth.  Truth hits a spider German suplex for 2.  Truth makes his comeback.  Missile dropkick gets 2.  Complete Shot gets 2.  Truth hits a diving cross body, but Miz rolls through for 2.  Miz hits the reverse DDT backbreaker and goes for the neckbreaker, but Truth gets a backslide for 2.  Truth gets an inside cradle for 2.  Miz avoids the scissors kick, but Truth hits the Lie Detector for the pin (7:14 shown) to win the United States Championship!  Pretty good match.

Earlier tonight, the Batista stuff happened.

Tonight, Cena vs. Jericho vs. Edge.

Josh Matthews interviews the WWE Champion, John Cena.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Jon Lovitz comes out flanked by the Bella Twins.  They’re going to judge this stupid thing.  This guy is so fucking annoying and needs to fuck off and die, then fuck off again.  Great Khali and Ranjin Singh “sing.”  Jillian Hall comes out and Lovitz hits the buzzer before she can do anything.  Thank God for that.  He calls for the fans to show talent.  Some guy named Joe says he can pull his eye out of his face.  The guy pulls his glass eye out.  Gross.  Million Dollar Champion Ted Dibiase Jr. and Virgil come out.  Thank God.  Dibiase offers to buy the guy’s eyeball.  He says he can’t sell it.  Santino Marella comes out.  Marella threatens to use Lovitz’s submission hold to Virgil.  Lovitz babbles.  Marella does the Vulcan nerve pinch thing and takes out Virgil.  He tries it on Dibiase, but fails.  Dibiase hits the Dream Street.  Lovitz declares Dibiase the winner of the talent contest.  Stupidest fucking segment ever.

Cole and Lawler talk about everything that’s going on.  Earlier tonight, Sheamus beat Mark Henry.

Non-Title: Unified WWE Tag Team Champions The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya) vs. William Regal & Vladimir Kozlov.  Regal clobbers Kidd with an elbow.  Kozlov tags in and hits a powerslam for 2.  Kidd fights out of a Canadian backbreaker and kicks Kozlov in the head.  Smith tags in and beats up Kozlov.  Kozlov counters the running powerslam and tags in Regal.  Smith avoids the knee trembler and makes the tag.  Hart Attack.  Kidd pins Regal in 1:20.  The Uso Brothers and Tamina make their debut by jumping the Hart Dynasty, laying them out, and hitting stereo Superfly splashes.

Josh Matthews interviews the remaining NXT rookies: Wade Barrett, Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel, and David Otunga.  Gabriel says Slater should be eliminated.  Barrett agrees.  Slater thinks Otunga should go.  Otunga says Slater should go.

They show the greatness that was Daniel Bryan beating up Michael Cole on NXT last week.  Cole says if Daniel Bryan doesn’t apologize tomorrow night, he’s going to sue him.

Edge and Chris Jericho bicker backstage.

John Cena is headed our way!  The main event is NEXT!

Next week’s guest host is Ashton Kutcher.  He can’t be worse than the fucknut we had to endure tonight.

Triple Threat Fatal 4 Way Qualifying Match: WWE Champion John Cena vs. Edge vs. Chris Jericho.  Cena goes on the attack.  Jericho schoolboys him for 2.  Cena keeps fighting.  He clotheslines Edge out of the ring.  Jericho goes for the Walls of Jericho, but Cena counters and clotheslines him out of the ring too.  Insta-commercials.  Edge and Jericho beat up Cena.  Jericho sends Edge out of the ring and beats up Cena some more.  Suplex gets 2.  Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Jericho DDTs him.  Cena avoids Jericho in the corner and Jericho spears the post.  Cena makes his comeback.  He fails the Attitude Adjustment again, I think.  Edge spears Jericho.  Cena locks Edge in the STF.  Jericho puts Cena in the Walls of Jericho.  Edge breaks free.  Jericho puts Edge in the Walls of Jericho.  Cena breaks it.  Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment on Jericho.  Edge spears Cena.  Delayed cover.  Jericho breaks it and goes for the Walls again.  Edge counters and gets an inside cradle for 2.  Jericho hits Edge with an enzuigiri.  Cena clotheslines Jericho.  Cena and Edge counter each other.  Jericho hits the Codebreaker on Cena.  Edge spears Jericho for the pin (7:32 shown).  Edge qualifies for Fatal 4 Way.  Sheamus and Randy Orton come out so the Fatal 4 Way participants can all stare at each other.

Okay show overall.  A couple of things were good and some stuff was meh, but the Jon Lovitz stuff was motherfucking horrible.  They need to end the guest host shit NOW.