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TNA iMPACT! 3/24/11

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2011 by Grappleholic

The usual video of recent happenings… which this week is auto tuned for some damn reason.

“Do The Math”

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Ken Anderson and some old guy in a suit come out to the ring.  Anderson introduces the guy as Professor Shubert, a mathematician from the University of Wisconsin, Green Bay.  They have a dry erase board in the ring, which they use to do math explaining that Anderson wants his title rematch.  I have no fucking idea what’s going on.  Anderson says that the professor once told a girl with a big ass that Anderson was gay so he could bang her instead.  I’m completely fucking serious.  Anderson gives the guy the Mic Check.  Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff come out.  Bischoff says Hogan sees something in Anderson, but he doesn’t.  Hogan talks about how he likes Anderson, then talks about how he’s being a dick, so he’s not getting a title shot until he earns it, because the rematch he’s already supposed to get was signed by Dixie Carter.  Man, this is convoluted.  Hogan books Anderson vs. RVD again tonight.  Anderson says RVD isn’t in his league.  Rob Van Dam comes out to retort.  Insta-commercials.

Anderson, Hogan, Bischoff, and RVD are in the ring.  RVD says “This is pro wrestling.  Someone talks smack about you, your music plays and you have to respond.”  Awesome.  They bicker.  RVD says he doesn’t know why he even signed with TNA.  Yes, he said that.  He bitches at Hogan for a while.  TNA World Heavyweight Champion Sting comes out and says the Network told him he’s the special enforcer in the #1 Contender match.  Wonderful.

Tonight, Ric Flair challenges Fortune.

They show Bully Ray powerbombing AJ Styles off the stage last week.  Mickie vs. Tara next.

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Backstage, TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne orders Tara destroy Mickie “or else.”  “Or else what?”  Tara replies.  Madison has no answer.

Mickie James vs. Tara.  Mickie beals Tara into the ring and kicks her ass.  Mickie hits a flapjack and nips up, which is oddly hot.  Tara lands a  snug looking knee to the face, then a standing moonsault, which was also oddly hot, for 2.  Mickie catches Tara with an elbow smash and goes for a rana, but Tara powerbombs her for 2.  Tara goes up top.  Mickie hits the ropes and crotches her, which is not hot.  Mickie goes for a Frankensteiner, I think, but ends up sitting in her lap.  Not sure if that was a botch or not.  Tara hits an avalance-style crab hold, which I don’t think I’ve ever seen before.  Mickie gets a rope break.  Tara goes for the Widow’s Peak, but Mickie counters into a nasty looking DDT for the pin in 3:17.  Best TNA women’s match in a LONG time, and Velvet Sky was nowhere to be seen.  I smell a correlation.  TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne comes out onstage to glare unhappily, then gives a nasty smile.

Sting and Ken Anderson encounter each other backstage.  Anderson is mad that Sting “stole” his title shot when he won the title.  Sting said the Network gave it to him.  Anderson asks for a name.  Sting says it’s simply “The Network.”

Tonight, Ric Flair challenges Fortune!  Anderson vs. RVD again.  Meh to that.

Replay of the worst segment of all time from last week, with The Pope abusing and preparing to rape Okato.  They’re so proud of this abortion, they’re showing it again.

Samoa Joe and Okato chat backstage.

Okato vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  Okato lands a dropkick and goes on the attack.  Pope avoids an awkward looking missile dropkick and beats up Okato.  Pope takes off his boot and hits Okato with it, then pulls off his glove to reveal several rings.  Pope punches Okato with the rings and gets DQ’d in 2:21.  Pope coninutes to kick Okato’s ass, then decks the referee.  Samoa Joe runs off Pope.

Tonight, Flair’s challenge and RVD vs. Anderson

Sting video package.

Kurt Angle talks about his kids and the match with Jarrett at Lockdown.

Flair’s challenge is NEXT!

Rob Van Dam and Hulk Hogan chat in the office.  Hogan says RVD is his guy, which is the opposite of what he told Anderson earlier.  RVD buys it, which proves he wasn’t watching the promo, but then how did he known Anderson was talking shit about him?  Did his music play and he just ASSUMED?  WTF is wrong with this company?  Hogan leaves and RVD calls him an idiot.  He’s right in this case.

Ric Flair, Matt Hardy, and Bully Ray come out.  They cut promos.  Hardy looks ridiculous with his stupid dreadlocks and sunglasses perched on top of his head.  Bully Ray challenges Fortune to a match at Lockdown, “the four of us against the three of you.”  Does Bully have a mouse in his pocket?  Fortune: TNA X Division Champion Kazarian and TNA World Tag Team Champions Beer Money hit the ring and kick their asses.  The lights go funny.  Abyss appears to make the save for the heels.  ONE WEEK AFTER ABYSS WAS STRIPPED OF THE TV TITLE FOR BEING TOO INJURED TO WRESTLE. HE’S BACK AND HE’S PERFECTLY FUCKING FINE.  With the odds now safely in their favor, Immortal beat up Fortune 4 on 3.

House shows.

Moments ago, ^^ happened.

Abyss cuts a mine babyface promo backstage, which would be great if he wasn’t supposed to be a monster heel.

Tonight, and RVD/Anderson match I don’t fucking care about.

Mexican America come out: Hernandez, some other guy, and TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions Sarita & Rosita.  They all throw out some really awkward sounding Spanish.  The new guy’s name is El Anarquia, which I don’t think makes any sense.  They roll out a Mexican flag.  The challenge Matt Morgan to a Street Fight.  Morgan and Brother Devon come out to accept the challenge.

Street Fight: Hernandez & Anarquia (w/ TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions Sarita & Rosita) vs. Matt Morgan & Brother Devon.  Morgan and Hernandez brawl outside.  Devon beats up Anarquia.  Devon hits a sidewalk slam for 2, then clotheslines Anarquia out of the ring.  Morgan and Hernandez come back in to brawl.  Morgan hits a fall away slam and the revolving elbows in the corner.  Morgan clotheslines Hernandez to the floor.  Sarita and Rosita talk shit to Morgan and Devon.  Sarita tances, which is pretty hot.  Velvet Sky comes out and attacks them.  Joy.  Velvet, who was stupid enough to attack 2 women, gets beaten down.  Angelina Love walks out looking like she just got a fresh botox injection.  Winter comes out and screams at her.  Angelina walks back to her.  So Winter is controlling Angelina’s mind now?  Meanwhile, Devon hits Anarquia with a shoulder block.  Morgan finally saves Velvet.  Anarquia hits Devon with an object and gets the pin in 3:40.  What a fucking mess.

Tonight, Anderson/RVD.  Ugh.

Ink Inc. vs. Scott Steiner & Crimson.  Steiner beats up Neal.  Steiner can still throw an awesome belly to belly suplex.  He does so, then hits a Steiner Line and an elbow drop, then does push ups.  Crimson tags in.  Double shoulder block.  Crimson hits a a Falcon Arrow for 2.  Crimson boots Neal out of the ring.  Moore tags in and gets his ass kicked.  Moore avoids Crimson in the corner.  Crimson catches Moore and slams him down.  Moore hits a moonsault body block, then yells at Neal for still being on the outside.  Neal dives, but Crimson catches him and hits the Red Alert for the pin in 3:03.  Total squash.  Neal shows respect to Steiner and Crimson after the match.  Moore wipes his ass with Steiner’s beer tag head dress, throws it at him, and runs away.  Steiner is pissed, and that’s damned scary.  Lots of beeped out swearing.

RVD/Anderson video package.  I’m not excited to see them have anything abysmal match.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contender Match: Rob Van Dam vs. Ken Anderson.  TNA World Heavyweight Champion Sting is the special enforcer.  They trade headlocks and hammerlocks.  The mutants obnoxiously chant about being assholes.  They should chat “WE ARE RETARDS!”  RVD hits a flying kick and a standing moonsault for 2.  Anderson counters the Rolling Thunder and the monkey flip, then hits a neckbreaker for 2.  Anderson hits an over the knee neckbreaker for 2.  Anderson grabs a chin lock.  Anderson accidentally clotheslines the ref and the ref does a 360 bump for it.  RVD superkicks Anderson.  Sting comes in to count 2.  Anderson hits the Lambeau Leap for 2.  RVD kicks Anderson in the face and makes his comeback.  RVD hits the split legged moonsault for 2.  Anderson bails to avoid the Rolling Thunder.  RVD hits him with a slingshot dive.  They brawl outside.  Anderson throws a chair into the ring.  Sting throws it out.  Anderson kicks RVD in the balls and gives him the Mic Check into the post.  Anderson gets in the ring and orders Sting to count.  They argue, then start fighting.  The bell rings despite nobody calling for it in 6:36.  I assume RVD wins by DQ.  Anderson and Sting brawl on the outside.  Al Snow, Pat Kenney, and other geeks break them up.  Insta-commercials.

They show replays of what just happened.

Rob Van Dam talks backstage.  He seems to concussed and doesn’t remember that he just had a match.  He has no idea what’s going on.  The camera man tries to explain it to him.  He still thinks he’s getting ready for a match.

Ken Anderson throws a temper tantrum backstage.

Sting says he didn’t ring the bell.  Obviously.  Nobody knows what the hell happened.  Anderson comes up to yell at him.  They start brawling again.  Al Snow, Pat Kenney, and D’Lo Brown break them up.  Anderson says the Wizard of Oz rang the bell.  Seriously.  The show ends.  Thank God.

Horrible show.  Better than last week’s show, but that’s like saying HIV is better than AIDS.

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TNA iMPACT! 1/27/11

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 23, 2011 by Grappleholic

Video package of recent goings on.

“Crimson Sees Red”

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Kurt Angle comes out and cuts a promo about what went on last week.  He talks about how he was supposed to retire, but now he’s back, for the fans, or so he can beat up Jeff Jarrett.  Immortal come out: Eric Bischoff, Ric Flair, Jeff and Karent Jarrett, TNA World Tag Team Champions Beer Money, TNA X Division Champion Kazarian, AJ Styles, Rob Terry, Gunner, and Murphy.  Bischoff isn’t buying this shit.  He sends the troops to kick Angle’s ass.  Storm prepares to hit Angle with a beer bottle.  Crimson appears and chases Immortal off with a baseball bat.  Flair cuts a promo on them.  Flair books Angle & Crimson vs. Jarrett, Beer Money, Kazarian, Gunner, Murphy, and Terry for tonight.

Eric Bischoff bitches at Ric Flair in the office.  Flair bitches right back, and he’s Ric Flair, so his bitching is awesome.

Tonight, Angle & Crimson vs. everybody!  Dixie Carter speaks!  Mr. Anderson vs. Matt Hardy!

Entrances for the clusterfuck women’s match.  Winter throws a fit backstage because Angelina is teaming with Velvet tonight.

Elimination Match: TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne, Tara, & Sarita vs. Mickie James & The Beautiful People (TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champion Angelina Love & Velvet Sky).  Everybody brawls.  The match finally starts with Tara beating up Angelina.  Angelina twists Tara’s injured arm.  Rayne tags in and gets hip tossed.  Angelina hits a World’s Strongest Slam.  Rayne goes for her finish, but Love counters.  Mickie and Sarita tag in and trade arm locks.  Velvet tags in and renews her war against Sarita.  Sarita counters a headscissors into a backbreaker.  Velvet hits a cross-armed Edge-O-Matic.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Sarita pins Velvet with a schoolgirl in 2:55.  Tara clocks Mickie with the elbow brace.  Mickie avoids a shot with the loaded glove.  Mickie pins Rayne in 3:47.  Sarita pins Mickie in 3:55.  Love gets Sarita with an inside cradle for 2.  Insta-commercials.  Love drops Sarita with a roundhouse kick for 2.  They make a big deal out of how Madison landed on her own glove leading to her elimination, even though she didn’t really and that doesn’t even make sense.  Velvet has been hurt backstage.  I’m sure Winter did it.  Love counters Sarita’s TKO and hits a Complete Shot Stunner deal.  Tara conks Love with the elbow brace.  Sarita covers for 2.  Tara and Sarita work over Love.  Love rallies and hits Tara with the Botox Injection for the pin (9:12 shown).  Sarita gets a reverse cradle, but Love reverses it for the pin (9:24 shown).  This was crap.  Are you surprised?

Kurt Angle is on the phone.  He tells someone that he needs them here.

Matt Hardy talks backstage.

TNA X Division Champion Kazarian has joined Tenay and Taz for commentary.  They’re doing some convoluted #1 Contender Series.

X Division #1 Contender Qualifying Three-Way Match: Amazing Red vs. Max Buck (w/ Jeremy Buck) vs. Chris Sabin.  Kazarian is pretty funny on commentary.  Brief 3-way clusterfuck.  Red and Sabin do a fast paced exchange to a stalemate.  Max attacks them.  Red gives Max a flying headscissors to send him outside.  Sabin drops Red with a clothesline for 2.  Sabin hits a dive on Max.  Back inside, Max avoids a springboard and pokes Sabin in the eye.  Max sends Red outside and works over Sabin.  Basement dropkick gets 2.  Max applies a rear chin lock.  Red comes in and hits both of them with a dropkick.  Red hits Max with a rana and a fancy whirling DDT.  Red tries to springboard, but Sabin catches him with a stalling suplex for 2.  That was cool.  Max hits Sabin with a cool wheelbarrow face plant for 2.  Red hits the Code Red on Sabin.  Jeremy distracts the referee.  Red decks him and goes up top.  Jeremy crotches him on the top rope.  Max hits a DDT OF MURDER on Red for the pin in 5:10.  Fun little spot fest.

Jeff and Karen Jarrett bitch at each other.  “He was on the phone!” Karen yells.

Still to come, Dixie Carter speaks!  Matt Hardy vs. Mr. Anderson!

Jeff Hardy is headed our way!

Velvet Sky yells at Angelina Love about how Winter attacked her.

Mr. Anderson/Jeff Hardy video package.

Jeff Hardy comes out to cut a promo.  He says a bunch of stupid things about how the people don’t care about him, even though he was one of the post popular babyfaces in years.  He talks shit about Anderson.  TNA World Heavyweight Champion Ken Anderson himself comes out to retort.  He’s an asshole, he’ll keep the title, etc.

Crimson talks backstage.

They show how Crimson killed Abyss with the nail board last week.

Velvet Sky comes out and calls out Winter.  Winter comes out.  They fight, since it’s been a few weeks since we had a knockouts brawl that went way too long.  Winter gets the better of it.  Angelina Love comes out to break it up.  Velvet throws a fit.

Still to come, Hardy vs. Anderson!  Angle & Crimson vs. everybody!

The Pope is headed our way!

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero comes out to cut a promo.  He says he’s going to confess.  He talks about not being able to stand your wife, or something.  His confession is that he doesn’t like Samoa Joe.  He wants a fan to confess something next week.  This is fucking stupid.

Ric Flair lectures Immortal backstage.  Eric Young is there for some reason.  Flair yells at him for being an idiot.

Dixie Carter speaks NEXT!

Video package of this whole retarded “THEY” angle.

Tenay and Taz talk to Dixie Carter on the phone.  She’s confident that the legal ruling will be in her favor.  Then they talk to Eric Bischoff.

Anderson vs. Hardy is NEXT!

Non-Title: Matt Hardy vs. TNA World Heavyweight Champion Ken Anderson.  They lock up, then brawl.  Hardy goes up top.  Anderson cuts him off and goes for a superplex.  Hardy drops down and pulls Anderson’s arm over the top rope.  Hardy viciously works Anderson’s arm.  Anderon rallies and hits a swinging neckbreaker for 2.  Anderson goes for the Lambeau Leap, but Hardy counters and hits an F-U of all things.  Anderson counters the Twist of Hate and hits the Lambeau Leap for 2.  Hardy counters the Mic Check and hits the Side Effect for 2.  Anderson turns the cover into a crucifix hold for the pin in 4:07.  Not too bad.  Jeff Hardy appears and attacks Anderson.  The Hardys beat down Anderson.  Rob Van Dam runs in to make the save.  Jeff runs away through the crowd.

Kurt Angle tells Crimson that they won’t be alone out there.  It’s NEXT!

Handicap Match: Kurt Angle & Crimson vs. Immortal (Jeff Jarrett, TNA World Tag Team Champions Beer Money, TNA X Division Champion Kazarian, Rob Terry, Gunner, & Murphy) (w/ Ric Flair & AJ Styles).  Jeff Jarrett was supposed to be out here, but he isn’t.  Roode beats up Crimson.  Crimson rallies and runs wild.  He’s actually pretty impressive.  Angle tags in.  Roode cuts him off and tags in Kazarian.  Angle rallies and hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker.  Storm tags in.  Angle gives him a belly to belly suplex, then decks everyone on the apron.  Storm hits a Lung Blower.  Flair hops around on the apron.  Angle ducks Storm’s superkick, which nails the referee.  Angle hits the Angle Slam on Storm.  6 on 2 clusterfuck ensues.  Now that Angle is in trouble, Jeff Jarrett (w/ Karen Jarrett) comes out to join the match.  Angle rallies and drills Jarrett with a German suplex.  Everyone beats on Angle some more.  Jarrett hits the Stroke on Angle.  Another referee comes out to count the pin in 4:24.

Immortal continues the beatdown.  Matt Morgan tries to make the save, but he is overcome too.  The lights go out.  Sirens blare.  SCOTT STEINER appears in the ring with a lead pipe.  Immortal head for the hills.  Steiner’s ready to kick some ass.

This show was only mediocre, which is pretty good for iMPACT!

TNA iMPACT! 1/20/11

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2011 by Grappleholic

Kurt Angle/Jeff Jarrett/Karen Jarrett video package.

“Dirty Laundry”

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Kurt Angle arrives, walks into the building, and orders a production guy to play his music.  Angle walks out to the ring and cuts a promo.  He wants to bury the hatchet with Karen for the sake of his kids.  Jeff Jarrett’s music plays and his geeks come out.  Angle kicks their asses before they can get into the ring and screams for Jarrett to come out.  Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair come out instead.  They send out some rent-a-cops, who escort Angle out of the building.  Okay then…  Commercials.

Moments ago, ^ happened.

Jeff and Karen Jarrett arrive and feign disappointment that Angle has been kicked out.

Non-Title Four-Way Match: Sarita vs. Velvet Sky vs. Mickie James vs. TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne.  Mickie and Velvet argue over who is going to start, because this is TNA so the four-way has stupid tag rules.  They say “fuck it” and attack their respective enemies on the outside.  Mickie beats up Madison in the ring.  Sarita tags in and gets flapjacked by Mickie.  Velvet tags herself in and attacks Sarita bitch-style.  Rayne cheap shots Sky from the apron.  Sky decks her.  Sarita throws Velvet around.  Velvet hits a flying head scissors on Sarita.  Madison knocks Mickie off the apron.  Madison and Sarita try to double team Velvet, but Mickie saves.  Clusterfuck.  Velvet takes out Sarita.  Mickie gives Madison a neckbreaker and goes up top.  The referee it outside with Velvet and Sarita.  Tara appears and clocks Mickie with the elbow brace.  Sarita and Velvet come back in and conk heads.  Madison clocks Velvet with the loaded glove.  Mickie gets Madison with a reverse cradle for the pin in 4:28.  This wasn’t any good.  Madison throws a fit.

Beer Money chat backstage.  Storm does curls with beer bottles.

Tonight, Beer Money vs. Anderson & RVD!

Kurt Angle is walking around backstage.  I thought the rent-a-cops escorted him out?  Commercials.

Samoa Joe talks to Kazuchika Okada, who’s been video taping Pope for him.  Poor Okada…

Ric Flair and Rob Terry come out.  Flair cuts a promo about Terry’s sexual prowess, then calls out Matt Morgan.

“The Freak” Rob Terry (w/ Ric Flair) vs. “The Blueprint” Matt Morgan.  They show Morgan beating Abyss last week, then being jumped by Flair and Terry.  Terry gets instructions from Flair.  Morgan hits the Carbon Footprint for the pin in 11 seconds.  Morgan goes after Flair.  Flair throws ineffective punches and chops, then begs off.  Abyss runs in and jumps Morgan.  Morgan rallies and drops him with the discus lariat.  Terry wakes up and immediately gets side slammed.  Morgan goes for Flair, but Abyss jumps him again.  Morgan rallies and takes out Abyss and Terry again.  Terry takes out Morgan’s knee.  The heels finally get the better of Morgan and beat him down.  Abyss and Terry hit a double chokeslam.

Video package of TNA stars at New Japan “Wrestle Kingdom V In Tokyo Dome.”

Tonight, Jeff Hardy vs. Tommy Dreamer!  Beer Money vs. Anderson & RVD!

AJ Styles gives TNA X Division Champion Kazarian a pep talk backstage.  Kazarian leaves.  Crimson appears and chokes AJ with a wire, then tells him “they’re coming” in 2 weeks.  Commercials.

Kurt Angle is still stalking around backstage.

TNA X Division Championship Match: Kazarian (c) vs. Jay Lethal.  Lethal slingshots Kazarian into the ring and runs wild on him.  Kazarian bails.  Lethal follows and beats him up at ringside.  Back inside, Lethal hits a springboard missile dropkick for 2.  Lethal goes for the Lethal Injection, but Kazarian counters and finally mounts some offense.  Lethal hits the handspring elbow smash for 2.  Lethal hits the Lethal Combination, then goes up top and hits the diving elbow drop for 2.  Kazarian rolls to the floor.  Lethal throws Kazarian back into the ring.  Kazarian gouges his eyes.  Lethal goes for a sunset flip.  Kazarian squashes it, grabs the ropes, and gets the pin in 4:33.  Not much of a match, which is sad when you consider how good their PPV match was.

Ken Anderson, Rob Van Dam, and Tommy Dreamer chat backstage.

The Jarretts are headed our way.

Kurt Angle finds a door into the arena.  Commercials.

Jeff and Karen Jarrett come to the ring.  Jeff puts over his wife.  Karen bashes Kurt Angle.  Angle sneaks into the ring and gives Jarrett a German suplex.  Kurt and Karen stare at each other.  Karen slaps him.  Jarrett hits Angle in the balls, then beats him up and leaves him laying.  Commercials.

Moments ago, ^ happened.

Kurt Angle beats up trash cans backstage.

Tommy Dreamer vs. Jeff Hardy.  Hardy beats up Dreamer.  Dreamer avoids a drop kick and leg drops Hardy’s balls.  Dreamer clotheslines Hardy out of the ring, then hits a clothesline off the apron.  Dreamer beats up Hardy on the outside until Hardy gives him a sort of arm drag off the apron.  Hardy beats up Dreamer back inside.  Hardy hits an innovated dropkick to the balls, then clamps on a rear chin lock.  Dreamer makes his comeback.  Hardy tries to rally, but Dreamer avoids the Whisper In The Wind.  Dreamer goes for a dive, but Hardy catches him with a kick.  Dreamer counters the Twist of Hate and hits the Spiccoli Driver.  Hardy gets a foot on the rope.  Hardy gets another low blow and hits the Twist of Hate for the pin in 4:21.  This wasn’t very good either.

Kurt Angle is stalking around backstage with a baseball bat.

Beer Money vs. Anderson & RVD is NEXT!  Commercials.

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero talks on the phone backstage.  He wants to use some guy’s computer for his illicit business dealings.  He uses his phone to call the guy, then steals his laptop when the guy walks outside to get service.

AJ Styles tries to tell Ric Flair what happened to him earlier.  Flair “ices” Styles.  Kurt Angle appears and hits Style with his bat.  Flair begs off.  Angle chokes him and tells him to make sure Jarrett comes to the ring to fight him.

Non-Title: TNA World Tag Team Champions Beer Money vs. TNA World Heavyweight Champion Ken Anderson & Rob Van Dam.  Entrances, commercials, bell.  Roode and RVD brawl.  RVD does his weird leg cradle for 2.  RVD hits a standing moonsault for 2.  Roode counters a monkey flip and sets RVD on the top turnbuckle.  They horrible botch a diving schoolboy.  Anderson tags in and hits a lariat for 2.  Storm tags in and gets schooled by Anderson.  Anderson hits a spinning neckbreaker for 2.  Anderson runs into the turnbuckles, then gets clotheslined by Roode in the apron.  Roode tags in and works over Anderson.  Roode hits a knee drop for 2.  Beer Money get the heat on Anderson and work over his previously concussed head.  Anderson rallies and spikes Roode with a DDT.  Storm and RVD tag in.  RVD runs wild, back body drops an interfering Roode, and hits Storm with the flying kick.  RVD goes for Rolling Thunder, but Roode trips him.  Storm hits a Lung Blower for 2.  Beer Money go for the double suplex, but Anderson intervenes and takes Roode to the floor.  Roode sends Anderson into the steps.  RVD drops Storm with a kick and goes up top.  Roode tries to intervene, but fails.  RVD hits the Five Star Frog Splash on Storm.  Jeff Hardy comes out to distract the referee.  Matt Hardy sneaks in and hits RVD the Twist of Hate.  Storm pins RVD in 8:08.  Okayish match, but still not that good.

Brian Kendrick tries to help Bully Ray with his anger management.  Ray shoves him into some lockers instead.  That dick.  Commercials.

Ric Flair and Jeff Jarrett yell at each other in the office.  Eric Bischoff tells Jarrett to “trust him” and go to the ring.

Brother Devon comes out and calls out Bully Ray.  Ray comes out and challenges Devon to fight him at ringside.  Brian Kendrick comes out and throws Ray in the ring.  Devon beats up Ray.  Ray tries to use a chain, but Devon kicks his ass and takes it.  Security comes out to break it up, so of course Bubba jumps him from behind.  Bubba beats up security, scares So Cal Val, and brings in a chair.  Where the hell did Kendrick go?  Bubba sandwiches Devon’s head in the chair and whips it with his chain.  That dick!

Kurt Angle is headed our way!  Commercials!

Kurt Angle is in the ring.  Jeff Jarrett, Gunner, and Murphy come out.  Jarrett is in his ring gear for some reason, but is reluctant to fight.  He sends Gunner and Murphy instead.  Angle kicks their asses.  They finally get the advantage, so Jarrett joins in on the beatdown.  Angle rallies, throws out Gunner and Murphy, and puts Jarrett in a rear naked choke.  Karen Jarrett comes out to scream at Angle.  Immortal come out and beat down Angle.  Abyss comes out to the stage and falls down.  He has the nail board stuck in his back.  WTF?  Crimson appears and yells that “THEY’RE COMING” on February 3.  Angle takes advantage of the distraction to start kicking ass.  Angle gets Flair in the ankle lock until Immortal pull him to safety.

This show wasn’t good, but I’ve seen far worse.

TNA iMPACT! 1/13/11

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 2, 2011 by Grappleholic

Genesis recap.

“The One That Got Away”

Earlier today, Jeff and Karen Jarrett arrived.

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

The NEW TNA World Heavyweight Champion Ken Anderson comes out to cut a promo.  He bitches about WWE for a while, then calls out Matt Morgan.  Morgan comes to the ring.  Anderson thanks him for helping him out when he needed it.  Morgan cuts a passionate promo about wanting the title, then congratulates Anderson and leaves.  Eric Bischoff comes out and bitches at Anderson.  He says that Anderson will face Jeff Hardy in a rematch on the February 3 iMPACT!, then rants about Hulk Hogan.  Jeff Hardy appears on the screen and babbles.  Rob Van Dam jumps Hardy backstage.  Matt Hardy attacks RVD.  Anderson runs to the back to make the save.  The rest of Immortal: Beer Money, Abyss, Rob Terry, Ric Flair, AJ Styles, and Kazarian jump Anderson and RVD and leave them laying.  Commercials.

Moments ago, ^ happened.

Tonight, the Hardy Brothers take on Mr. Anderson & RVD!

Jeff and Karen Jarrett chat backstage, then go into the Immortal locker room.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match: Beer Money (c) vs. The Motor City Machine Guns.  The match starts with four-way insanity.  Guns clear the ring and hit Beer Money with stereo suicide dives.  Guns double team Storm briefly until Roode trips Sabin while thing where Sabin kicks the dude that Shelley has in the Muta Lock.  Beer Money get the heat on Sabin.  Sabin and Storm do a double cross body spot.  Roode and Shelley tag in.  Shelley runs wild on Beer Money.  Storm counters the Shiranui.  Shelley hits a bulldog/clothesline on Beer Money.  Shelley goes up top.  Storm cuts him off.  Shelley fights him off.  Sabin kicks Storm.  Shelley hits the Ghetto Stomp on Roode for 2.  Guns run wild some more and double team Roode.  Guns hit the Skull & Bones.  Storm pushes Sabin into Shelley to break the cover.  Storm is bleeding.  He hits the DDT OF MURDER on Sabin.  Shelley sets up Roode for a superplex.  Storm cuts him off and goes for the Eight Second Ride.  Shelley counters.  Storm hits a move that I forgot the name of.  Roode hits a diving splash on Shelley for 2.  Shelley counters the DWI.  Sabin low bridges Storm out of the ring.  Guns hit a missile dropkick/Complete Shot combo.  Storm comes back in.  Complications arise.  Shelley accidentally superkicks Sabin.  Beer Money hit the DWI on Shelley and Roode gets the pin in 7:41.  Not as good as their usual matches, but still pretty good.

They show Jeff Jarrett backstage.

Kurt Angle arrives.  Commercials.

Rob Van Dam and Ken Anderson chat backstage and look for weapons to go beat up Immortal.  RVD gets a chair.  Anderson gets a 2×4.

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero comes out to talk.  He talks about whatever the angle with Samoa Joe is.  He says he forgives Joe, then shows a photo of pigs humping that he says is Joe and his wife.  He shows a video of baby pigs nursing which he says is Joe’s child.  Samoa Joe comes out and runs him out of the ring and calls him a bitch.  Joe says he doesn’t “chase bitches.”  Joe says that when he gets hold of Pope, “Joe is going to kill you.”

Rob Van Dam and Ken Anderson go into the locker room that Beer Money is in.  They close the door and much racket is made.  RVD and Anderson exit and go to look for the Hardys.

Tonight, Hardys vs. RVD & Anderson!  Also, something with Kurt Angle and the Jarretts!  Commercials!

Eric Bischoff, Ric Flair, and AJ Styles chat backstage about how butthurt Hogan is about Hardy losing the title.  They find the beaten up Beer Money.  Flair throws a fit.  Bischoff says “It’s on.”

Kurt Angle/Jeff Jarrett video package.

Moments ago, Jeff Jarrett talked about Kurt Angle while Karen looked at him lovingly.

Kurt Angle is also headed our way.  Commercials.

Jeff Jarrett, Gunner, Murphy, and the geeks come out.  He talks about his “MMA career,” then introduces Karen.  Kurt Angle comes out instead and runs through the geeks, then gives Gunner and Murphy German suplexes.  Jarrett acts like he’s ready to fight.  Karen comes out and yells at Kurt from the stage.  Jarrett bails.  Karen screams at Kurt in a manner that reminds me of my own ex-wife.  Karen threatens to give her side of the story and says that Kurt should dress up for it.  Huh?

Still to come, Hardys vs. RVD & Anderson!  Commercials.

Moments ago, ^^ happened.

Kurt Angle throws a fit backstage.

Highlights from Madison Rayne/Mickie James from the PPV.  It was awful.

Velvet Sky fuses at Angelina Love backstage.  Winter shows up and drags Angelina away.

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship Match: Angelina Love & Winter (c) vs. TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne & Tara.  Angelina and/or Winter has awful new music.  Love and Rayne lock up.  Love gets some quick cradles.  Madison screams.  Love beats her up some more.  Madison distracts the referee.  Tara pulls Angelina down by the hair, then tags in.  The heels beat up Angelina while the referee struggles with Winter.  Madison tries to use the loaded glove.  Mickie James runs out, drags her out of the ring and chases her to the back.  Angelina hits Tara with a brogue kick.  Winter hits a diving lariat on Tara, then pounds on her.  Winter chokes out Tara and the referee calls for a stop in 3:04.  This sucked.

The Hardys cut a promo from behind a fence backstage.

Tonight, Hardys vs. RVD & Anderson!  Commercials.

House shows!

Non-Title: TNA World Television Champion Abyss (w/ Ric Flair) vs. Matt Morgan.  Morgan charges the ring because he’s pissed at the world.  He runs wild for a while, then Flair distracts him and Abyss gets the advantage.  Abyss gets the heat for a bit.  Flair gets in a cheap shot behind the referee’s back.  Morgan makes his comeback.  Abyss goes for the chokeslam.  Morgan fights out and hits the Carbon Footprint.  Flair grabs the referee’s leg.  Hebner gets away and counts the pin anyway in 3:20.  Kind of a fun little brawl.  Flair cheap shots Morgan.  Morgan goes for a top rope chokeslam.  Rob Terry runs out to save Flair.  Flair low blows Morgan.  Abyss, Terry, and Flair beat down Morgan and leave him laying.

Hardys vs. RVD & Anderson NEXT!  Commercials.

During the break, some dude choked Abyss backstage.  I think it’s Amazing Red’s baby brother.  He says his name is Crimson.  He says “they’re coming” on February 3.  Not this shit again.

Abyss goes into the office and tries to tell Bischoff what happened, but Bischoff is busy giving the Hardys a pep talk.  Once that’s done, Abyss tells Bischoff what Crimson said.

The main event is next for real this time!  Commercials!

TNA World Heavyweight Champion Ken Anderson & Rob Van Dam vs. The Hardys.  They brawl in the aisle and at ringside.  RVD beats up Matt in the ring to officially start the match.  Anderson is already bleeding.  It finally breaks down into a tag match.  RVD and Anderson take turns beating up Matt.  Hardys cut off Anderson and get the heat on him.  RVD tags in.  Jeff scampers away and tags in Matt.  Matt hits a sleeper drop and goes for a moonsault.  RVD avoids it and goes for the split legged moonsault.  He catches Matt in the face as Jeff tries to pull Matt to safety.  RVD takes out both Hardys with a dive.  Commercials.  RVD beats up Matt some more.  RVD goes to the middle rope.  Matt takes out his leg and sends him crashing to the ground.  Cover gets 2.  Hardys get the heat on RVD.  Anderon tags in.  Stuff happens.  I zoned out.  Anderson hits the Mic Check on Jeff.  Matt saves and goes for the Twist of Fate.  There’s a ref bump.  Anderson hits the Mic Check on Matt.  RVD beats up Jeff.  Beer Money run in and beat up Anderson and RVD.  Beer Money hit the catapult DDT on Anderson.  Storm superkicks RVD.  The referee is back in.  Matt gives Anderson the Twist of Hate.  Jeff hits the Swanton bomb for the pin in 13:47.  This wasn’t good.

The rest if Immortal come out and beat down Anderson and RVD.  Immortal stand tall as the show closes.

This show wasn’t really good, but it wasn’t as awful as iMPACT! sometimes is, and it at least felt like it went by quickly.

TNA Genesis 2011

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 26, 2011 by Grappleholic

PPV open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

TNA X Division Championship Match: Jay Lethal (c) vs. Kazarian.  Lethal is good and pissed off and gets the jump on Kazarian early.  Kazarian tries of getting his ass kicked and bells.  Lethal hits him perfectly with a tope suicida.  Kazarian whips Lethal towards the ring.  Lethal connects with a moonsault body block off the apron.  Back inside, cover gets 2.  Kazarian finally gains the advantage by sending Lethal hard into the corner.  Or so he thought.  Lethal fires back with chops and catapults Kazarian into the corner.  Lethal hits a dropkick for 2.  Lethal hits a backdrop suplex for 2.  Kazarian catches Lethal with an elbow smash, then hits an Alabama Slam.  Kazarian finally has the advantage and starts to put a beating on the champion.  Kazarian hits a leg drop for 2.  Lethal lands the handspring elbow.  They get to their feet and trade punches.  Lethal lands a HARD chop, then runs and kind of bulldogs Kazarian onto the top rope.  Kazarian slingshots Lethal back in and hits an Ace Crusher for 2!  That was awesome.  Kazarian goes for the Flux Capacitor.  Lethal turns it into a sunset flip powerbomb for 2.  Lethal hits the Lethal Combination for 2.  Kazarian goes for the Axe Guillotine Driver.  Lethal counters.  Kazarian hits a slingshot DDT for 2.  Kazarian gets annoyed that he can’t put Lethal away.  Kazarian slaps Lethal.  Lethal Hulks up and lands a bunch of chops.  Lethal hits a suplex and goes up top.  Kazarian jumps up and hits an enzuigiri to the throat.  Which technically isn’t an enzuigiri, but I digress.  Kazarian goes for the Axe Guillotine Driver off the top!  Lethal counters certain death and pushes Kazarian down into the ref.  Kazarian crotches Lethal on the top, then its the Axe Guillotine Driver for the pin in 11:37.  Immortal captures another championship!  Good match, too.  I really dug this.

Tenay and Taz hype the show.

Eric Bischoff, Ric Flair, and AJ Styles are in the office.  Flair tells Bischoff that Styles is injured and can’t wrestle tonight.  They bicker.  Styles cares about his kid, which pisses Bischoff off.  Styles is about sick of his shit.  He storms off.  Flair tells Bischoff to come up with something.

Mickie James/Madison Rayne hype video.

TNA Knockouts Championship Match: Madison Rayne (c) vs. Mickie James.  Madison taunts Mickie, then hides behind the referee.  Mickie schools her and gets some quick pin attempts.  Mickie lands a dropkick.  Rayne bails to the apron.  Mickie hip tosses her back in for 2.  Mickie cranks on Rayne’s arm.  Madison walks up the ropes, so Mickie drops her.  Rayne screams, then pulls Mickie’s hair.  Mickie rallies.  Madison bails.  Madison pulls Mickie’s head across the top rope.  Cover gets 2.  Crowd chants “YOU CAN’T WRESTLE!”  Madison responds by not being able to wrestle.  Mickie hits a snapmare and a basement dropkick for 2.  Mickie goes for the Flair pin in the corner and gets 2.  Mickie hits a rana and goes up top.  Rayne cuts her off and throws her to the mat.  Rayne does typical women’s bullshit for 2.  Mickie fights out of some stupid thing.  Madison throws her down and pulls on her face.  Mickie gets a reverse cradle for 2.  Madison hits a head kick for 2.  I wish this would end.  Madison works Mickie’s hair.  I fucking hate women’s wrestling.  Madison tries to hump Mickie’s head into the mat.  Mickie turns it into a wheelbarrow drop and makes her comeback.  Mickie goes for the DDT.  Rayne escapes and hits in the ropes.  Mickie spanks her.  Madison pokes Mickie in the eye behind the ref’s back.  Mickie hits a neckbreaker and goes up top.  Mickie hits the diving Thesz press and goes for the DDT.  Tara comes out.  Mickie tries to fight her.  The ref gets between them.  Madison plays dead in the ring.  Mickie picks her up.  Madison KOs Mickie with a loaded glove for the pin in 10:29.  This was awful.  Madison and Tara celebrate the win.  I celebrate this match being over.

Christy Hemme interviews Immortal members TNA X Division Champion Kazarian, Beer Money, Ric Flair, and Eric Bischoff.  Christy asks Bischoff who will face RVD and who will replace AJ Styles.  Bischoff says Abyss will take AJ’s place, but won’t tell who RVD’s opponent is.  He guarantees that Immortal will win all of the titles tonight.

Beer Money/Motor City Machine Guns hype video.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match: The Motor City Machine Guns (c) vs. Beer Money.  Shelley throws his shirt at Roode.  Roode shoves him.  They stare at each other, then eventually lock up.  They do a fine little chain wrestling sequence.  They speed up and Shelley lands a dropkick for 2.  Storm tags in and gets beaten up by the Guns.  Guns double team Storm, then Roode.  Guns send Beer Money to the floor and land stereo topes suicidas.  Back inside, Storm avoids Shelley’s Ghetto Stomp.  Storm counters the Shiranui.  Roode gives Shelley an enzui lariat.  Storm covers for 2.  Beer Money cut Shelley off and get the heat on him.  Heel chicanery allows Beer Money to double to Shelley behind the referee’s back.  Shelley rallies and gives Storm the Shiranui.  Shelley goes to make the tag, but Roode pulls Sabin off the apron.  Roode tags in and keeps the heat going on Shelley.  Beer Money hit the double suplex on Shelley.  “BEER!  MONEY!”  Beer Money go for the awesome catapult DDT, but Shelley counters it and rallies!  Sabin gets the hot tag and runs wild!  Sabin ties Roode to the tree of woe and hits the hesitation dropkick.  Storm saves.  Sabin suplexes him onto Roode.  Sabin hits Roode with a diving rana.  Shelley comes off of Sabin’s shoulders to give Roode a DDT.  Sabin covers, but Storm saves.  Sabin and Storm fight outside.  Roode goes for a superplex on Shelley.  Shelley fights him off.  Sabin hits a diving lariat.  Shelley hits the Ghetto Stomp.  Sabin covers for 2.  Storm hits a Lung Blower on Storm.  Sabin kicks Storm outside.  Roode and Sabin counter each other.  Storm spits beer on Sabin’s face.  Roode hits the spinebuster for 2.  Shelley comes in against Roode, then takes out Storm with a dive.  Guns kill Roode with a double head kick and hit the Skull & Bones.  Storm pulls the referee out of the ring.  Shelley takes Storm out with another dive.  Sabin goes for a springboard DDT, but Roode counters and hits a Northern Lights suplex hold for 2.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Beer Money hit Sabin with the DWI.  SABIN KICKS OUT!  Roode argues with the referee.  They go for it again, but fail.  Sabin accidentally kicks Shelley in the face.  Roode schoolboys Sabin and grabs a handful of tights for the pin in 17:58.  REALLY freaking good match.  I loved this so much.

Christy Hemme interviews Brother Devon.

Devon/Ray hype video.

Bully Ray vs. Brother Devon.  Devon rushes the ring.  Bubba bails.  Devon goes after him.  Bubba hides behind So Cal Val again.  Devon says “fuck this” and starts kicking Bubba’s ass.  Devon kicks Bubba’s ass at ringside for a while, then they finally get in the ring to start the match.  Ray begs off and apologizes.  Ray goes for a low blow, but Devon blocks it and kicks his ass.  Devon hits a lariat for 2.  Devon hits a Thesz press and punches.  Devon slams Bubba and goes up top.  Bubba bails again.  Devon goes after him and kicks his ass some more.  They brawl in the crowd.  Why not?  It’s not like there are rules or anything.  Devon hits Bubba with a shoe.  Bubba gets the jump on Devon coming back into the ring.  Bubba gets cocky and starts beating up Devon.  Devon begs for more.  Bubba cheap shots him in the eyes.  Bubba administers a shit kicking.  Devon rallies and tries to come off the top.  Bubba catches him in midair with an Ace Crusher for 2.  Devon counters the Bubba Bomb and hits a big Ron Simmons-style spinebuster for 2.  Devon goes up top.  Bubba crotches him and hits a superplex for 2.  Bubba tries to use a chain and fails.  Devon makes his comeback and probably almost throws his back out giving Bubba a back body drop.  Devon gets hold of the chain and whips Bubba with it to cause the DQ in 8:48.  Okay brawl.  Devon keeps beating on Bubba.  Referees come out to break it up, so of course they keep fighting.  D’Lo Brown, Pat Kenney, and security geeks come out to help.  Ray gets in one more cheap shot and bails.

Christy Hemme interviews Jeff Jarrett.  He explains the rules of this stupid MMA match.  There’s 3 2 minute rounds and some other bullshit.

TNA World Television Championship Match: Douglas Williams (c) vs. Abyss.  Williams is selling the hand that AJ Styles injured on iMPACT recently.  Abyss tries to stop the hand.  Williams bails.  Back inside, Williams goes for a slingshot sunset flip and narrowly avoids being sat on.  Williams counters a slam, then gets a schoolboy for 2.  Abyss sends Williams’ shoulder into the post.  Abyss rams Williams’ injured hand into the post.  Abyss beats up Williams on the outside.  Back inside, Williams tries to rally and comes off the top.  Abyss tries to chokeslam him, fails, but lands a big boot.  Williams is forced to bail again.  Williams lands some blows outside.  Abyss rams the injured hand into the barricade.  Abyss picks up the belt and tries to hit Williams’ hand with it.  Williams avoids the blow, but gets beaten down anyway.  Back inside, Abyss stomps on Williams’ hand.  Abyss keeps the heat going on Williams.  Williams lands a diving European uppercut.  Williams hits Abyss with a flurry of blows and goes for a German.  Abyss grabs his hand.  Williams fights back and hits a backdrop suplex.  Williams hits a diving knee drop for 2.  Williams goes for a running knee to the corner, but Abyss catches him and chokeslams him.  Cover, but Williams grabs the bottom rope.  Abyss retrieves the nail board from under the ring to distract the referee.  AJ Styles appears and hits Williams with the title belt.  Abyss comes back in and hits the Black Hole Slam for the pin in 9:46.  Three titles for Immortal tonight.  Okay match.

Eric Bischoff and Rob Van Dam bicker backstage.  RVD says he wants Hardy tonight.  Bischoff says he has Hardy.

Rob Van Dam vs. Matt Hardy.  Well, Bischoff DID say RVD had Hardy tonight, but he didn’t say WHICH Hardy.  Matt looks like a tard with colored dreadlocks.  Hardy offers a handshake.  RVD isn’t buying it.  Hardy decks him and they brawl.  Hardy hits a sleeper drop and dances around.  RVD drops him with a kick.  RVD hits the springboard kick and some more kicks, because he really likes to kick.  RVD sends Hardy to the apron and kicks him into the guardrail.  RVD kicks Hardy to the floor again before he can get back in and lands an Asai moonsault.  Back inside, RVD hits a diving cross body for 2.  RVD counters the Twist of Fate.  Hardy kind of waist locks RVD into the corner.  Hardy hits a sloppy bulldog headlock for 2.  Hardy hits a full nelson Stroke for 2.  Hardy does the RVD thumb point.  Hardy hits a neckbreaker and goes to the middle rope.  RVD catches him coming down with a spin kick.  Hardy hits the Side Effect for 2.  This match is really clunky.  Hardy applies a rear chin lock.  RVD escapes and lands a head kick, then does his wonky leg cradle for 2.  They trade punches.  RVD makes his comeback.  RVD mows down Hardy with another spin kick.  Another kick.  Cover gets 2.  Hardy gets an inside cradle for 2.  RVD hits the diving kick, Rolling Thunder, and the Five Star Frog Splash.  Hardy’s hand is kind of under the rope, but not really.  RVD stomps on him.  The ref gets in the way.  Hardy hits the Twist of Fate for the pin in 11:50, even though RVD’s foot was clearly under the ropes.  This.  Was not good.  At all.

Christy Hemme interviews Kurt Angle.

Jarrett/Angle hype video.

MMA Exhibition Match: Jeff Jarrett (w/ Gunner, Murphy, & geeks) vs. Kurt Angle.  Angle promises to break the neck of any of Jarrett’s geeks who might interfere.  Round 1: Jarrett plays chickenshit and tries to stay away.  Angle lies down and offers Jarrett his guard.  Jarrett challenges him to stand up.  This shit is ridiculous.  Angle goes after Jarrett, who hides in the ropes.  There are no rope breaks in MMA, morons.  Angle tires of this shit, takes Jarrett down, and applies a rear naked choke as the round ends.  Jarrett consults with his corner men, Gunner and Murphy.  Round 2: Angle challenges Jarrett to go for a takedown.  Jarrett tries and fails.  Angle goes for a Kimura, then lets go.  Angle takes Jarrett down and applies an arm triangle.  And lets go again.  Angle does a gator roll.  Jarrett gets a rope break in the MMA fight.  Angle throws Jarrett down and applies a cross armbreaker.  And lets go again.  Angle applies the ankle lock.  The round ends.  At least the rounds have been exactly 2 minutes.  Jarrett spits or vomits or something.  More encouragement from the corner geeks.  “ANGLE’S GONNA KILL YOU!” chants.  Round 3: Jarrett has greased his arms.  It gets in Angle’s eyes.  The referee throws it out 27 seconds into the third round.  I think Angle wins by DQ.  Angle is bleeding.  Jarrett continues beating him up.  Jarrett says he’s retiring and bringing his wife/Angle’s ex to the retirement party.  Well this was all stupid.

Tenay and Taz talk.  Jarrett yells at Taz for some reason.

Christy Hemme interviews TNA World Heavyweight Champion Jeff Hardy.

Morgan/Anderson hype video.

Tale of the Tape.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contender Match: Matt Morgan vs. Ken Anderson.  In-ring intros and all of that jazz.  Morgan grabs a side headlock and lands a shoulder block.  Anderson grabs a headlock and tries a shoulder block, which has no effect on the much larger Morgan.  Morgan does a leap frog and hits a sloppy hip toss.  Anderson avoids something and gets a one count.  Morgan beats up Anderson and abuses his head a bunch.  Morgan goes for the Carbon Footprint to the apron, but Anderson avoids it.  Morgan crotches himself and falls to the floor.  Morgan rams Anderson’s back into the post.  Back inside, cover gets 2.  Morgan chokes Anderson with his boot, then hits the revolving elbows in the corner.  Anderson avoids a charge and takes out Morgan’s knee.  Anderson works the leg and applies a half crab.  Morgan gets a rope break and tries to slap feeling back into his leg.  They brawl.  Morgan hits a chokeslam off the top rope!  Anderson kicks out!  Morgan hits some short range lariats.  Anderson counters the discus lariat and hits the Mic Check out of nowhere for 2.  They trade punches for a while.  Morgan decapitates Anderson with the Carbon Footprint for 2.  He goes for another one.  Anderson ducks and hits the Mic Check again.  Delayed cover gets 2.  Morgan counters another Mic Check attempt.  Anderson lands an elbow smash, then catches Morgan with an inside cradle for the pin in 15:24.  This wasn’t good either.

Eric Bischoff comes out with a steel chair.  He sets up the chair, then sits down and tells Anderson that he’s getting his title shot RIGHT NOW!  Hardy comes out in acid washed jeans and a jacket & tie, smoking a cigarette.  He looks a lot like Raven.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: Jeff Hardy (c) vs. Ken Anderson.  Hardy attacks Anderson.  Twist of Hate gets 2.  Hardy argues with the referee.  Morgan is still at ringside.  That may come into play later.  Another Twist of Hate gets 2.  Hardy can’t believe this shit.  Anderson manages to throw Hardy out of the ring.  Behind the referee’s back, Morgan gives Hardy the discus lariat and throws him back into the ring.  Anderson covers for 2.  They trade punches.  Anderson gets rolling and hits a swinging neckbreaker for 2.  Anderson has Hardy reeling now.  Hardy hits the Whisper In The Wind.  Anderson rolls to the floor.  Hardy grabs a chair.  Mick Foley appears and takes it away from him.  Ric Flair comes out.  Security geeks hold him back.  Hardy rolls Anderson back into the ring and goes up top.  Anderson crotches him and goes for a superplex.  Hardy fights him off hits the Swanton Bomb.  Anderson kicks out again!  There is no denying him tonight!  Anderson hits the Lambeau Leap.  Hardy hits a clothesline, then calls for the cavalry.  Matt Hardy runs in.  Rob Van Dam cuts him off and they brawl to the back.  Eric Bischoff appears in the ring and tries to hit Anderson with a chair.  Anderson stops him and hits the Mic Check.  Jeff comes back in and goes for the Twist of Hate.  Anderson counters and hits the Mic Check for the pin 9:06!  New World Champion!  Okayish match.  Immortal look on unhappily as Anderson celebrates with the fugly purple belt.  Some fan with a sign gets in the ring.  Anderson announces himself as the NEW World Champion.

There were a couple of really good matches on this show and a whole lot of crap.  I’ll give it a thumbs VERY SLIGHTLY up.

TNA iMPACT! 1/6/11

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 5, 2011 by Grappleholic

Video package of recent goings on.

“Genesis… The Beginning… Or the End?”

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Immortal come to the ring: Eric Bischoff, Ric Flair, AJ Styles, Beer Money, Kazarian, Rob Terry, Abyss, Jeff Jarrett, Gunner, and Murphy.  Bischoff blathers about how Immortal are going to win all the titles fair and square.  He brings out the champions: TNA X Division Champion Jay Lethal, TNA World Tag Team Champions The Motor City Machine Guns, and TNA World Television Champion Doug Williams.  He books them in “tune up matches” tonight: Lethal vs. Abyss, Williams vs. Terry, and the Guns vs. Styles & Kazarian.  Bischoff asks them to shake hands.  Immortal jump the champions.  Bischoff pretends to be mad at them.  Rob Van Dam comes out and makes the save.  By himself.  He’s pissed off and wants a shot at Jeff Hardy.  He wants to know who his opponent is at Genesis.  Bischoff won’t tell him.  What a dick!  RVD offers to beat it out of him.  Bischoff says Abyss will “kill” RVD.

Brother Ray cuts a promo to the camera at Brother Devon.  He wants to fight in the parking lot or something.  Commercials!

Jeff Jarrett: MMA Specialist video package.

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Jeff Jarrett comes out with Gunner, Murphy, and his other geeks.  He’s now changed into his gear, even though he was in street clothes 4 minutes ago.  He talks about the new rules he made last week to protect him from getting his ass kicked.  There’s some Twilight queer in the crowd.  Boo Boo Stewart?  Jarrett won’t fight him because he will be taller than him one day.  They pick a guy who looks like a midget Tyler Black.  His name is Jonathan Cruz.  He signs the contract.  He’s an idiot.

MMA Exhibition: Jeff Jarrett (w/ Gunner, Murphy, & geeks) vs. Jonathan Cruz.  Jarrett beats up the geek and wins with the ankle lock in 45 seconds.  Jarrett refuses to break the hold.  KURT ANGLE comes in through the crowd and chases Jarrett away.  Angle signs the contract to face Jarrett at Genesis!  Jarrett says Angle swore to never wrestle in TNA again.  Angle says it’s an exhibition.  It’s ON!  Commercials!

Moments ago, ^ happened!

Non-Title: AJ Styles & Kazarian vs. TNA World Tag Team Champions The Motor City Machine Guns.  Guns attack, clear the ring, and hit Styles and Kazarian with a double suicide dive.  Guns double team Styles back inside.  The heels cut off Sabin and work him over.  Sabin plays face in peril, then rallies and drops Kazarian with a lariat.  Shelley and Styles tag in.  Shelley runs wild and avoids being double teamed.  He takes Kazarian out with a dive.  Back inside, Styles and Shelley do an awesome countering sequence.  Shelley hits a brainbuster.  Kazarian saves.  Shelley back body drops him to the floor.  Styles tries to hit Shelley with the belt.  Shelley ducks.  Sabin superkicks Styles.  Shelley hits the Shiranui on Styles for the pin in 4:47.  Good little match.  Beer Money appear and beat down the Guns.  Eric Bischoff comes out and looks pissed off at Styles.

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero bitches about how someone has been following him around with a camera.  He says he’s going to find them and demand an apology.  Yeah, kick that TNA camera man’s ass!  Commercials.

Eric Bischoff at Ric Flair bitch at AJ Styles in the office.  Bischoff tells him to get the job done this Sunday or else!

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero is in the ring.  He calls out whoever is video taping him.  Samoa Joe comes out.  Is Joe a paparazzi now?  Joe spouts off some philosophical stuff about Pope being a false prophet or something.  He talks about how Pope pretends to be doing good deeds, but he’s actually a dick.  Pope defends his going to strip clubs and adopting puppies.  He warns Joe against falsely accusing him again.  This is stupid.

Mickie James & Velvet Sky are headed our way!  Commercials!

Brother Devon says he’ll go fight Ray in the parking lot tonight.

TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne & Sarita (w/ Tara) vs. Mickie James & Velvet Sky.  Velvet attacks Sarita.  Velvet tries, but everything she does looks horrible.  Velvet gets cut off via heel chicanery and plays face in peril.  This goes on for some time and is very uninteresting.  Velvet makes a comeback, but Madison cuts her off.  Mickie comes in and kicks Madison’s ass.  As the referee tries to regain control, Tara hits Velvet with the elbow brace.  Sarita pins Velvet in 4:34.  This sucked.

RVD bitches at Eric Bischoff in the office.  Bischoff says he has a match tonight.  Against another mystery opponent.  Commercials.

Non-Title: Rob Terry vs. TNA World Television Champion Douglas Williams.  Williams smoothly eludes the larger Terry.  Terry finally connects with a shoulder block that sends Williams to the floor.  AJ Styles attacks Williams to cause the DQ in 1:10.  Lame.  Styles and Terry injure Williams’ hand.

Brother Ray is going to the parking lot.  Commercials.

Brother Ray and Brother Ray are in the parking lot now.  Ray hides behind security and talks shit.  Of course, this goes on way too long.  Bubba finally attacks Devon while security is holding him back.  He warns Devon against showing up at Genesis.

Jeff Jarrett tells Eric Bischoff that he has a plan for Sunday.  Bischoff asks Jarrett to shoot RVD.  Jarrett is worried about Kurt Angle interfering.  Bischoff makes him feel better by making it No DQ.  Huh?

Non-Title: Abyss vs. TNA X Division Champion Jay Lethal.  Entrances, commercials, bell.  At least they waited for me.  Lethal tries to take down Abyss and fails miserably.  Abyss tries to throw Lethal around and succeeds magnificently.  Lethal uses his speed to try to gain the upperhand.  He kicks Abyss in the leg and lands a dropkick.  Abyss tries to chokeslam him.  Lethal hits a handspring elbow.  He finally knocks Abyss down with a missile dropkick for 2.  Abyss catches Lethal with the Black Hole Slam.  Cover, but Abyss pulls Lethal up at 2.  Abyss beats on Lethal in the corner.  The ref DQs him in 3:27.  Lame.  Abyss shoves down the referee.  Continuing tonight’s trend, Kazarian comes down.  He pretends to beg Abyss to stop beating up Lethal.  He taunts Lethal, asking him to stand up.  Abyss holds Lethal up and forces him to shake Kazarian’s hand.

Up next, Mike Tenay’s sit down interview with Matt Morgan and Mr. Anderson!  Commercials.

Genesis hype.

Mike Tenay’s sit down interview with Matt Morgan and Mr. Anderson.  Same ol’ shit.

RVD vs. Jeff Jarrett is NEXT!  Commercials!

No DQ Match: Jeff Jarrett (w/ Gunner, Murphy, & geeks) vs. Rob Van Dam.  To the best of my knowledge, this is the first time these two have ever wrestled.  Tenay says it’s true, which means I’m probably wrong.  Jarrett runs around in circles like a geek.  RVD and the referee both insist that some contact be made.  Jarrett throws a kick.  RVD catches it and drops Jarrett with his “kick over the kick” move and does the “Rob Van Dam” thumb point.  Jarrett pokes RVD in the eye.  RVD drops him with another kick.  RVD beats up Jarrett in the corner.  RVD hits a springboard kick and goes for the Rolling Thunder.  Jarrett bails and runs around the ring.  RVD decks Jarrett again.  Murphy trips RVD, allowing Jarrett to get the advantage.  Jarrett applies a sleeper hold.  RVD escapes and makes his comeback.  One of the geeks runs in.  RVD throws him out of the ring and brings in a chair.  Other geeks run in.  RVD kicks their asses.  Gunner and Murphy beat down RVD and hold him for Jarrett.  Jarrett tells them to let him go.  RVD drops all of them with kicks.  TNA World Heavyweight Champion Jeff Hardy appears and gives RVD the Twist of Hate.  Jarrett gets the pin in 5:26.  Lame and overbooked.  Jarrett and Hardy beat down RVD.  Matt Morgan runs in to make the save.  Hardy tries to hit him with a chair.  Mr. Anderson appears, grabs the chair, and accidentally hits Morgan.  Oh noes!  Was it REALLY an accident?

As crappy as this show was, they’ve done WAY worse.

TNA iMPACT! 12/23/10

Posted in TNA with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 27, 2010 by Grappleholic

Video package of recent happenings.

“All The Gold Is Worth A Fortune”

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Immortal come out.  There are scales in the ring because they’re doing a stupid weigh in for the Morgan/Anderson PPV match.  Flair introduces new member Rob Terry.  Bischoff babbles.  They have “doctors” there.  Matt Morgan comes out and talks about how stupid this shit is.  He threatens to stick a boot up someone’s ass.  Mick Foley comes out and talks about concussions.  Flair bitches at Foley for causing backyard garbage wrestling to exist.  The Flair/Foley promo battle is fucking great.  Bischoff screams some retarded bile at Foley.  That is NOT great.  The Flair/Foley stuff was great.  Everything else about this was dumb.

iMPACT! open.

Tonight, AJ Styles vs. Doug Williams in an Iron Match!  Finals of the Knockouts Tag Team Title Tournament!  A retarded eight-man tag for the tag team championship!  Up next, a Double J Double M A challenge!  Commercials.

Matt Morgan and Jeff Hardy chat in the locker room.  Apparently Morgan’s rank is such that he doesn’t have to dress in a trailer.

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Jeff Jarrett comes out with Gunner, Murphy, and his other geeks.  Jarrett challenges Amazing Red.  Jarrett’s cut man puts Vaseline in Red’s eyes.

$100,000 MMA Challenge: Jeff Jarrett (w/ Gunner, Murphy, & geeks) vs. Amazing Red.  Jarrett kicks Red’s ass and submits him with an ankle lock in 49 seconds.  Jarrett helps Red up and asks he has any kids in his family that Jarrett can beat up.  Red says he’ll bring his little brother next week.

Madison Rayne and Tara are getting ready in their trailer.

Still to come, some bullshit!  Commercials.

Rob Van Dam talks to no one in particular backstage.

Four-Way Match to determine the #1 Contender for the TNA X Division Championship: Max Buck vs. Jeremy Buck vs. Robbie E. (w/ Cookie) vs. Kazarian.  TNA X Division Champion Jay Lethal comes out to do commentary.  They show Lethal winning the title back from the Shore tard last week.  It’s tag team rules.  Kazarian convinces the Bucks to start against each other.  They just pose instead.  Robbie does that gay retarded jerking off motion.  The Bucks tag him in and kick his ass.  Cookie trips Max so the Jersey Fagtard can get the advantage.  Kazarian stays on the apron except for when he comes in to make the save on every cover.  Bucks beat up Robbie some more.  The video gets weird, either through broadcasting problems or shitty camera work.  Kazarian tags in and hits the Axe Guillotine Driver on Jeremy Buck for the pin in 3:35.  Whatever.

Velvet Sky is looking in the mirror.  Sarita walks into the room.  Commercials.

During the break, Sarita and Velvet Sky brawled backstage for about 6 hours.  Sarita leaves her lying.  Angelina Love finds Velvet, who says she can’t breathe.

Eric Bischoff gives Immortal the usual lecture about belts.

Tonight, eight-man tag for the 2 man tag belts, because that’s TNA!  Next, the women have a shitty match!  Commercials.

Brian Kendrick lectures the caterers.  A woman gives him a cookie to make him go away.

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship Tournament – Final: TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne & Tara vs. Angelina Love.  Angelina is forced to go it alone.  She schools Madison early.  It’s horrible.  Love hits a neckbreaker for 2.  Tara interferes from the apron, allowing Rayne to get the advantage.  Love gets beaten up for a while.  Winter comes out and gets in the corner.  Love makes the hot tag to her.  Winter shakes Ryane’s head around, then kicks Tara in the gut.  Winter hits a crappy spinning slam on Rayne for the pin in 4:51.  Love & Winter win the titles.  This sucked.  Love is confused, even though she gave Winter the hot tag.  Tara doesn’t know who Winter is, so she doesn’t watch this show and didn’t watch WWE for a few years while she was with the company.  Commercials.

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero is outside talking on the phone.  Eric Young and Orlando Jordan walk up.  Young is a reindeer and Orlando Jordan is dressed as gay Santa.  They give Pope money.

Iron Man Match for the TNA World Television Championship: Douglas Williams (c) vs. AJ Styles.  It’s a 15 minute Iron Man Match.  That’s stupid.  They exchange holds, which is always a good way to start.  Styles finally backs Williams into the corner and cheap shots him with an elbow to the face.  Williams rallies and hits a running knee to the corner.  Commercials.  Styles has Williams in a rear chin lock.  OF COURSE, since this is TNA, there was a fall during the break, as Styles got the pin with the Styles Clash.  Williams lands a European uppercut.  Styles bails.  After fucking about for a bit, Styles pulls Williams out of the ring and rams his head into the steps.  Styles goes into the ring and orders Hebner to count.  Williams immediately comes back in.  Styles works Williams over.  Williams goes for a sunset flip.  Styles holds onto the ropes.  Hebner kicks his hands away like a dick and an interfering referee.  Williams gets some cradles for 2 counts.  Styles lands a forearm smash.  He goes for a springboard, but Williams catches him and hits an Exploder.  Williams makes his comeback.  Styles throws Williams out of the ring.  Williams comes back in and hits the Chaos Theory for the pin in 14:45.  The time limit expires in 15:09.  They agree to 5 more minutes.  Commercials.  The fuck?  OT is JIP.  Williams hits a DDT for 2.  Styles hit the springboard forearm for 2.  Williams hits an Alabama Slam for 2.  Styles hits the Pele kick for 2.  Williams goes for a backdrop suplex off the top rope, but Styles holds on to the Christmas bow around the post.  Williams hits it anyway.  The time limit expires after about 4 minutes.  Styles challenges Williams to a match at Genesis.  Williams says no.  They argue.  Williams says he’ll do it if Styles agrees to leave Fortune if he loses.  Styles refuses.  Eric Bischoff comes out and makes the match with the aforementioned stipulation.  Williams and Styles had a very good match.  This wasn’t it, but they have had one.

Beer Money hype up their team backstage.

Up next, they’ll call Mr. Anderson on the phone!  Commercials.

House shows!

Tenay and Taz talk to Mr. Anderson via satellite.  So Anderson is in “his home in Green Bay, Wisconsin,” but they expected him to come out for a fucking weigh in earlier?  This damn company is so fucking retarded.  Fuck this fucking company.  Anderson gets mad when they ask him for paper work.

The Motor City Machine Guns and Rob Van Dam are hyped up for their match.  Matt Morgan is mad about what Anderson said.

Stupid eight-man thing is next.  Commercials.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match: TNA World Heavyweight Champion Jeff Hardy, Beer Money, & Abyss vs. The Motor City Machine Guns (c), Rob Van Dam, & Matt Morgan.  Entrances, commercials.  Match is JIP.  RVD lands some kicks on Storm.  Morgan and Roode tag in.  Morgan does the revolving elbows in the corner.  Roode comes off the top rope, but gets caught.  Morgan gives him a fall away slam.  Sabin tags in and kicks Roode in the gut.  Roode gets a reverse cradle, but Shelley tags in in the process.  Guns double team Roode.  Roode counters the Shiranui.  Storm pulls Shelley into the turnbuckles.  Roode hits a neckbreaker.  The heels take turns working over Shelley for a while.  Beer Money hit the double suplex and do the “BEER!”  “MONEY!” thing.  Shelley knocks down Storm.  Hardy tags in and cuts him off.  Hardy clamps on a rear chin lock.  The show ends.

This was just a meaningless, lame duck show full of TNA bullshit.