TNA iMPACT! 11/11/10

Turning Point recap video.

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Members of Immortal come out: Eric Bischoff, Jeff Jarrett, Abyss, and Fortune (Ric Flair, TNA World Television Champion AJ Styles, Kazarian, Beer Money, and Doug Williams).  Storm is carrying a trash can for some reason.  Bischoff puts everybody ever (calling Jeff Jarrett a Mixed Martial Arts master in the process).  Flair and Styles take their turns to babble.  Styles promises to break Stevie Richards’ neck tonight.  Bischoff introduces TNA World Heavyweight Champion Jeff Hardy.  Hardy cuts the usual rambling promo.  Bischoff introduces Hulk Hogan.  So the old walrus actually showed up for TV this week.  Hogan asks if we know what it feels like to be surrounded by family.  A fan yells “Thanksgiving!”  Hogan babbles for a while.  They lower a horrible, disgustingly ugly new World title belt down from the rafters.  It looks like something Jeff designed when he was stoned.  It also looks like gay puke.  They throw the old belt into the trash can.  Oh, so that’s why they brought a trash can!  “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero comes out through the crowd.  He’s mad at Bischoff for buying off Pope’s family at the PPV.  Shouldn’t he be mad at his family?  He promises to put Bischoff in a casket tonight and push him off the stage.  Samoa Joe comes out.  He wants a shoot fight with Jarrett.  I guess that’s as opposed to the fake fight they had at the PPV.  Rob Van Dam comes out.  He wants a shot at Jeff Hardy’s disgustingly ugly belt.  Matt Morgan comes out.  He also wants Hardy’s ugly eyesore of a belt, since he had him pinned at the PPV but a retarded referee screwed up the count.  He threatens to “expose [Hardy’s] ass.”  Morgan also wants to fight Hogan.  That could quite possibly be the worst match ever if it actually happened.  Hogan implies that it might happen.  I fucking hope not.  This shit took 23 minutes.

Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff, and Ric Flair discuss matters in the office.  At least this time they made it look like the camera is spying on them instead of just being there oblivious to everyone.  Hogan books Joe vs. Gunner & Murphy, RVD vs. Kazarian (RVD becomes #1 contender if he wins), and Matt Morgan vs. Beer Money & Doug Williams for tonight.  Flair and Hogan go to chase pussy.

TNA X Division Champion Robbie E. and Cookie are fucking obnoxious backstage.  They have a mixed tag tonight.  Cookie says she’s not a wrestler, but she knows how to fight.

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Jay Lethal & TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champion Taylor Wilde vs. TNA X Division Champion Robbie E. & Cookie.  Cookie bitches at Robbie during his retarded spazzy entrance.  Cookie has decided she doesn’t want to fight.  Entrances, insta-commercials, bell.  Lethal and Wilde go after the Shore tards, who bail.  The faces go outside and the referee gets in their fucking way to keep them from fighting.  Robbie Pearl Harbors Lethal.  In the ring, Lethal takes over.  Cookie pulls Robbie out of the ring to save him from being chopped.  Lethal throws Robbie back in the ring  and beats him up.  Robbie hugs Cookie’s waist.  Wilde tags in, so Cookie has to get in the ring.  Ugh.  The plus side is Wilde’s boobs are huge.  Cookie immediately tags out.  Lethal comes back in and hits Robbie with a diving cross body for 2.  Lethal hits a basement dropkick.  Cookie pulls Lethal off the cover.  Robbie jumps Lethal from behind again.  Lethal hits an arm drag and cranks on Robbie’s arm.  Wilde goes after Cookie again so the ref can get in the way.  Robbie beats up Lethal.  Robbie does is stupid jerking off taunt or whatever it is at Wilde, then beats up Lethal some more.  Cookie holds Lethal from the apron.  Lethal avoids the shot and Robbie almost charges into her.  Lethal hits a botched Lethal Combination.  Cookie jumps on his back.  Lethal gets free.  Cookie tries to kick him.  Lethal pulls Cookie’s boot off.  Wilde chases Cookie around the ring in slow motion.  Robbie hits Lethal with the boot for the pin in 5:54.  This was fucking horrible.  I’d like to punch whoever came up with that Shore gimmick in the face.

Team 3D/Motor City Machine Guns highlight video.

Team 3D are headed our way.

Team 3D come out to cut their alleged farewell promo.  They put over the Guns and talk about what they’re going to do now.  Bubba says he’s going to form a rock band.  Devon says he’s going to train his twin sons to be the new Team 3D.  Devon says his catchphrase.  They hug.  Bubba clobbers Devon from behind to the surprise of absolutely no one.

Moments ago, ^ happened.

Tonight, AJ Styles vs. Stevie Richards!  Matt Morgan vs. Beer Money & Doug Williams!  RVD vs. Kazarian!

Eric Bischoff bitches out the referees because that idiot (Bischoff’s son) screwed up the count at the PPV and kept Bischoff’s guy from losing.  Bischoff is very pissed off that that his guy won because of the referee’s lack of ability to do his job.  Matt Morgan comes in and is perfectly fine that the idiot screwed him out of the title at the PPV.  He’s so fine with it that he wants the guy to referee his match tonight.

Handicap Match: Gunner & Murphy vs. Samoa Joe.  The goons jump Joe from behind and beat them up.  Joe hits Gunner with an Exploder, then beats up Murphy.  Joe hits Murphy with the Muscle Buster for the pin in 1:28.  Whatever.  Gunner jumps Joe from behind.  Joe kicks his ass and chokes him out.  Jeff Jarrett appears and hits Joe with a nightstick.  Jarrett locks Joe in an ankle lock.  Kurt Angle comes in from the crowd and gives Murphy the Angle Slam.  Angle gives Gunner a German suplex.  Jarrett runs away.

Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff, Ric Flair, and Abyss are in the office.  Flair fires Gunner and Murphy.  Bischoff takes Abyss to go find Angle.

Eric Bischoff is smoking a cigar in the bathroom.  Seriously.  Abyss is pooping in one of the stalls.  Pope comes into the bathroom and beats up Bischoff, then beats up Abyss right after Abyss finished pooping.  Pope kidnaps Bischoff, I guess.

Kazarian vs. Rob Van Dam.  Tenay mentions that Rhino’s contract has expired.  The bell rings.  RVD hears this and takes it as his queue to pose on the ropes.  Kazarian, being slightly less stupid, jumps RVD from behind and beats him up.  RVD hits a monkey flip.  RVD hits a second money flip.  Kazarian did get good air on them.  RVD hits a cartwheel standing moonsault for 2.  RVD hits a springboard kick and bows, then does his thumb pointing.  Kazarian elbows RVD in the face.  RVD kicks Kazarian in the face.  Kazarian avoids RVD in the corner and hits a diving cross body, bumping the referee in the process.  RVD drops Kazarian with a kick.  Ric Flair comes out with a chair.  Rhino comes out and takes the chair away from him, then gets in the ring.  Rhino Gores RVD to the surprise of absolutely no one.  Kazarian gets the pin in 3:27.  This was bad.  Tommy Dreamer comes out and is like “WTF Rhino?”  Rhino waits until Dreamer’s back is turned and hits him with the chair.

House shows!

Backstage, The Pope yells at Eric Bischoff and puts some jewelry and crap on him, then makes him rap.  Bischoff’s rapping isn’t good enough for Pope.  This is the most retarded shit ever.

Hulk Hogan bitches at Abyss for allowing Bischoff to be taken hostage.  He sends Abyss to get Eric and “rip the Pope’s head off.”

They show some of the SHIT that has GONE DOWN tonight.

TNA World Television Championship Match: AJ Styles (c) vs. Stevie Richards.  Richards jumps Styles from behind during his entrance and kicks his ass.  Insta-commercials, bell.  So presumably, these guys have been fighting for 4 minutes (the length of an average commercial break), but they’re just now ringing the bell.  Stevie hits a back body drop for… 1, maybe?  Stevie sends Styles outside and chops him, then throws him back in.  Styles gets the jump on Stevie and hits a springboard moonsault knees to the back of Stevie’s head for 2.  That was odd/neat.  Styles cranks on Stevie’s neck while Tenay and Taz pretend that this TV title has any lineage to past TV titles.  Stevie fights back, but misses a dropkick.  Styles hits some elbow drops and a stomp.  Styles applies a rear chin lock.  Styles does the drop down, leapfrog, dropkick bit for 2.  They trade shots.  Stevie backdrops Styles to the apron.  Styles drops him.  Stevie makes his comeback and hits a neckbreaker for 2.  I think.  Stevie lands corner punches.  Styles avoids Stevie in the corner and Stevie crotches himself.  Styles goes for the springboard flying forearm, but Stevie catches him midair  with the Stevie kick to the gut for 2.  Stevie goes for a piledriver, then for a powerbomb.  He fails at both.  Styles hits a horribly botches Styles Clash for the pin in 6:09.  Best thing on the show by far, but they could do WAY better.  Taz decides that Stevie is fine since he can move his arms.  They supposedly did a big injury angle with this live and people were really concerned.  Of course, this being TNA, they completely no sell it on TV.

Backstage, The Pope puts Eric Bischoff in a casket.

The Pope wheels the casket out onto the sound stage.  Abyss jumps Pope at ringside and chokes him.  Abyss find Bischoff unconscious.  Pope beats up Abyss.  Bischoff wakes up, escapes the casket, and hits Pope in the balls.  Abyss puts Pope in the casket.  They ram the casket through their cheap stage.  Bischoff beats up the casket.  I swear I did make make up or exaggerate a single detail of this segment.

Handicap Match: Beer Money & Doug Williams of Fortune (w/ Ric Flair) vs. Matt Morgan.  Fortune jump Morgan and beat up on him.  Morgan fights back.  They quickly cut him off.  Morgan runs through Beer Money’s double clothesline and clotheslines both of them.  He goes for a double chokeslam, but Williams clips his knee.  They all stomp on Morgan.  It finally breaks down into a tag match.  Williams works Morgan’s leg.  Roode works Morgan’s leg.  Storm works Morgan’s leg.  Roode sneaks in to work Morgan’s leg.  Williams tags in and works Morgan’s leg again.  Flair works Morgan’s leg behind the referee’s back.  Storm locks Morgan in a figure four leglock.  Morgan turns it over.  Storm gets a rope break.  Roode tags in.  Morgan fights back, but gets his leg taken out again.  Eric Bischoff comes out to the announce table to rant and rave.  Roode locks Morgan in a Boston crab.  Morgan gets a rope break.  Roode beats on Morgan.  Morgan explodes with a discus lariat, then sells his knee.  At least he remembers that they’ve spent the whole fucking match working his leg.  That makes him better than a good many wrestlers.  Williams tags in and gets beaten up.  I spoke too soon, because his knee is now just fine.  Morgan cleans house.  They cut him off again.  Beer Money try the double suplex, but Morgan suplexes them instead.  The show ends.  While the match is still going on.

This show was so bad it’s kind of funny.

I leave you with a quote from WrestleCrap founder R.D. Reynolds regarding this show: “Just read the TNA Impact taping spoilers…when I write Death of TNA, this show could warrant an entire chapter. Egads.”

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