TNA iMPACT! 10/14/10

They show the Bound For Glory screwjob.

“They Have Arrived!!!”

Eric Bischoff chats with Dixie Carter’s lawyer.  Something about the contract Bischoff tricked Dixie into signing last week.

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff come out.  Tenay explains for the first time ever that with the aforementioned contract, Hogan and Bischoff now have a majority share of TNA.  Except that he explained it like everyone knows it already.  The mutants are still chanting for Hogan, but they boo Bischoff.  Hogan cuts a promo.  Bischoff cuts a promo.  Sorry, I always zone out during these long, boring promos.  Bischoff explains the master plan and introduces the various pieces of the puzzle.  Abyss comes out first.  Hogan says some bizarre shit about how Abyss is immortal now.  Jeff Jarrett is next.  He blames Dixie Carter for taking over the company that he was gleefully running into the ground before Panda Energy came along and saved their asses.  Fortune come out.  Flair says they run the company.  Flair and Hogan tease that they’re going to fight, but then they hug.  SWERVE~!  Everybody in the ring hugs and makes friends.  Flair cuts a promo about how much he loves Hogan.  That’s just bizarre.  Bischoff brings out the NEW TNA World Heavyweight Champion, Jeff Hardy.  Hardy gets “YOU SOLD OUT!” chants.  Hardy says he sold in.  He blames years of being a fan favorite for his heel turn.  He talks shit about RVD, then says they’re all immortal.  Sting and Kevin Nash are shown watching backstage.  Bischoff calls them out.  Hogan asks them to join the group.  Sting and Nash get up from their chairs.  Commercials!

Dixie Carter arrives flanked by Gunner, Murphy, and her husband.

Sting and Kevin Nash come out to the ring.  All of the heels are still there.  NOW Tenay is all upset that nobody listened to Sting and Nash when he was the one talking shit about them as recently as last week.  Bischoff invites them to join the team.  Nash says the group is a perfect fit for him because he’s always been all about money, but now he’s older and wiser.  He now has compassion for the boys in the back.  This is like bizarro land.  Nash says he doesn’t want anything to do with them.  Sting says he didn’t come to TNA for this, he came because he loved TNA.  He says he’s not going to repeat history again.  The answer is no.  Sting and Nash leave.  Bischoff bitches at them.  Thus shit took 32 minutes.

Tenay and Taz talk.

The Pope ask Sting and Kevin Nash WTF?  Nash invites Pope to leave with them.  So they’re just leaving?  Pope says he’ll continue to fight the good fight by himself.  Poor Pope.  Dixie Carter shows up and asks Sting and Nash WTF?  Sting says she should have listened to them.  You can barely hear any of this.  Hogan and Bischoff show up to bother her.  Dixie slaps the shit out of Bischoff and bitches at Hogan.  Hogan says he’ll talk to her in his office.  Of course.  Ugh.  Commercials.

Hogan, Bischoff, and Dixie are in the office.  Dixie wants Hogan to tell her straight up that he screwed her out of the company.  He does.  They bicker back and forth while Bischoff cheezes in the background.  Dixie calls him a smug shit.  She tells Gunner and Murphy to take out Hogan and Bischoff.  Hogan says they work for him and orders them to get Dixie out of there.  They do.  Surge tries to help and gets KTFO’d with one punch.  Commercials.  41 minutes and no wrestling.

Some chick shows up in a BMW.

Taz and Tenay talk.  They explain that the aforementioned chick is JWoww from Jersey Shore.  What kind of name is that?

Madison Rayne comes out with a referee.  She bitches about Tara winning the title instead of her at the PPV.  She demands that Tara comes out and gives her a title match.  Tara comes out.  Madison reminds her that she let Tara come back to TNA.  Tara should punish her for such a horrible fate.  She tells Tara to “do the right thing.”

TNA Knockouts Championship Match: Tara (c) vs. Madison Rayne.  Rayne orders Tara to lay down.  Tara does.  Rayne pins her to win the title in 21 seconds.  Rayne celebrates like she actually accomplished something.  Mickie James comes out to be angry about this farce.  She hits the ring.  Rayne hides behind Tara.  James and Tara fight.  James kicks Tara out of the ring.  Rayne runs away.  Mickie poses with the belt.  Stupid crap.

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

The Beautiful People get their makeup done.  JWoww comes in.  They all make friends.  They talk about cookies or something.  Commercials.

The Beautiful People and JWoww wonder around looking for cookies.  They find Eric Young instead.  He asks for JWoww’s autograph on his pecs, then asks if he’s a gorilla.  Orlando Jordan shows up and offers her a lollipop.  Stupid shit.

Kurt Angle comes out with no music, selling his injured ribs.  He cuts a promo about how beat up he is.  He wants to know why he got screwed.  He said he’d retire if he lost, but he didn’t actually get pinned, so he has a dilemma.  Jeff Jarrett comes out to the stage.  He says that Angle didn’t win the title like he said he would, so he should leave.  He says Angle made his life hell when he came into TNA.  I have no memory of that.  They make cryptic mention of the fact that Jarrett ended up with Angle’s ex-wife.  They banter.  Jarrett says he sold out to take Angle’s career.  Angle goes after Jarrett, but gets jumped by Gunner and Murphy.  They handcuff Angle while Jarrett stomps the shit out of him.  Angle spits on Jarrett.  Jarrett beats the shit out of him some more.  Jarrett injures Angle’s neck.  Taz comes down from the table and makes Jarrett back down.  Yes, Jarrett and two tough guys bitched down to a long retired announcer.  Commercials.

1 hour, 9 minutes in and the closest thing we’ve had to wrestling was a 21 second farce of a match.

Moments ago, ^^ happened.

On Monday in Daytona Beach, Samoa Joe walked along the beach while cutting a promo on Jeff Jarrett.

An hour and 15 minutes in, we’re FINALLY going to get a match!

Abyss vs. Samoa Joe.  Joe is good and pissed off.  He kicks Abyss’ ass.  Abyss gets the jump on him when he turns to threaten the referee.  Joe easily rallies and kicks Abyss’ ass some more.  Joe lands a big kick and a senton splash.  Abyss hits a chokeslam.  Abyss goes outside to get a chair.  Joe hits him with a tope suicida into the chair.  Not sure who got the worst of that.  Abyss clocks Joe with the ring bell to get DQ’d in 2:16.  Joe is BUSTED WIDE OPEN!  Abyss beats on him some more back in the ring.  Rob Van Dam comes out.  Abyss retreats.  The match was nothing.  Two minutes of okay, then a fuck finish.  Joe is pissed off.

Rob Van Dam calls out Jeff Hardy.  Hardy appears on the screen and cuts a nonsensical promo.  Eric Bischoff comes out.  I’ve seen enough of him tonight for 7 lifetimes.  He books RVD vs. Mr. Anderson for tonight in a #1 Contender Match.  RVD is fine with this.  Commercials.

Eric Bischoff and Miss Tessmacher flirt backstage.  Bischoff bitches at her for whoring around.  Bischoff dumps her and says she has to wrestle if she wants to stay in TNA.  DAMMIT ERIC, WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST FIRE HER?  Ken Anderson shows up and calls him a douchebag while cranking on his wrist.

Handicap Match: “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero vs. TNA World Television Champion AJ Styles, Beer Money, Kazarian, & Doug Williams of Fortune (w/ Ric Flair & Matt Morgan).  It’s tag team rules.  Pope and Williams lock up.  Pope kicks his ass.  Williams lands a shoulder block.  Pope lands an elbow smash and the Dusty Rhodes elbows.  Kazarian tags in and gets back body dropped.  Pope hits a shoulder block.  Styles comes in and gets schooled too.  Pope slides out of the ring and decks Flair.  Morgan hits Pope with the Carbon Footprint.  Flair and Morgan stomp on Pope.  Back inside, Styles covers for 2.  Roode tags in and beats up Pope.  James tags in.  Ber Money hits the double suplex.  BEER!  MONEY!  James decks Pope.  Kazarian tags back in and hits a dropkick for 2.  Pope fights back and nails everyone on the apron.  Kazarian rakes his eyes.  Styles misses the springboard forearm and accidentally hits Kazarian with the Pele kick.  Pope schoolboys Kazarian for 2.  Beer Money hit the DWI on Pope.  Kazarian pins Pope in 3:32.  Fortune stomp on Pope some more after the match.  Whatever.

Robbie E. and Cookie are walking around backstage.  Fucking ugh.

The Beautiful People and JWoww are also backstage walking around.  Ugh again.  Commercials.

Robbie E. and Cookie come out to be obnoxious and make me want to change the channel.  But I’m a journalist, dammit!  Wait, no I’m not.  Why the fuck am I watching this shit?  They talk shit about that retarded Jersey Shore show.  The Beautiful People and JWoww come out.  Cookie talks shit and slaps JWoww.  CATFIGHT!  The BPs take out Robbie E.  I hate wrestling.  Commercials.

House shows!

Moments ago, ^^ that bullshit happened.

Recap of various shit that has happened tonight.

TNA World Heavyweight Title #1 Contender Match: Ken Anderson vs. Rob Van Dam.  Entrances, commercials, match starts.  At the top of the hour when the show is supposed to be over.  They trade punches.  RVD drops Anderson with a kick.  More slow brawling.  RVD hits the monkey flip out of the corner, then a spin kick for 2.  Anderson goes outside.  RVD hits sort of a moonsault kick off of the apron.  Impact ends.  I’m done.

Fucking awful show with practically no wrestling.  I fucking hate this company.

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