TNA iMPACT! 5/13/10

“Last week on iMPACT!…” video.

“Three Tickets To Sacrifice”

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  David Penzer is the ring announcer.

Eric Bischoff comes out and does his “heel who thinks he’s a babyface” bit.  He introduces the TNA World Heavyweight Champion, Rob Van Dam.  Bischoff talks about the poll.  He says he wanted to book RVD vs. Jeff Hardy, but Hardy isn’t answering his phone, so RVD has the night off.  RVD wants action, though.  AJ Styles comes out.  He bitches at RVD about not being a role model.  Styles challenges him to a match tonight, even though they have a match at the PPV.  Styles wants to break RVD’s legs so he doesn’t have to break a sweat at the PPV.  Jeff Hardy comes out.  He’s confused by the time changes, as he doesn’t have a secretary.  Styles says the match is already set.  Hardy tells RVD to make it a three-way, since RVD is apparently the booker.  He tells Bischoff to make the match.  AJ is pissed.

Jeremy Borash interviews Knockouts Champion and Knockouts Tag Team Champions, The Beautiful People.  Lacey runs away because she has to pee.  Go before your fucking interview, moron.

Taylor Wilde (w/ Sarita) vs. Tara.  Sarita gets sent to the back before the match.  Wilde goes on the attack and beats the hell out of Tara.  Tara begs off, then sends Wilde to the ramp.  Tara throws her back in.  Wilde avoids the hilo leg drop.  Wilde goes for a shitty cross body.  Tara love taps her with a shitty middle kick for the pin in 1:30.  This blew.  Tara beats Wilde with her knee brace after the match.  Sarita makes the save.

Something is going on backstage with Desmond Wolfe and Chelsea.

Chelsea is claiming she was attacked “in an undisclosed location.”  Her vagina?

Brian Kendrick vs. Doug Williams.  Williams still has the X Division belt.  He says Kendrick doesn’t deserve a title shot, so it’s a non-title match.  Kendrick attacks Williams.  Williams attacks him back.  The X Division Champion Kazarian joins the announcers.  Williams works Kendrick’s leg.  He locks Kendrick in a half crab.  Kazarian walks down the ramp with the intent of getting the belt.  Kendrick schoolboys Williams for the pin in 2:13.  Williams manages to hold onto the belt.  Match was pointless.

Christy Hemme asks Pat Kenney what happened, but he won’t say anything.

Christy says she knows the attacker, but can’t tell.  The fuck?

Handicap Match: Generation Me vs. TNA World Tag Team Champions Matt Morgan.  Morgan destroys them both.  He takes the mic and bitches about Hulk Hogan not telling him who his partner is.  Morgan sets up Jeremy Buck on the outside for the Carbon Footprint into the post.  Samoa Joe comes out and brawls with Morgan.  Match is presumably a no-contest in about a minute and a half.  Joe hits the Muscle Buster and leaves.  The Band comes out.  Kevin Nash has that Feast or Fired briefcase that nobody remembered.

Handicap Match for the TNA World Tag Team Championship: Matt Morgan (c) vs. Kevin Nash & Scott Hall (w/ Eric Young).  Earl Hebner rings the bell.  Nash gets the pin at the 12 second mark.  Nash and Hall are World Tag Team Champions.  In 2010.

Ink Inc. talk backstage.  You can hear the intros for the Williams/Kendrick match from earlier.  Ink Inc. are psychic and somehow knew that they’d be facing Hall and Nash at Sacrifice instead of Morgan.

Four-Way Match: Ink Inc. vs. Team 3D vs. Motor City Machine Guns vs. Beer Money.  No entrances except for Ink Inc.  Shelley and Storm start.  Sabin tags in and throws Storm out of the ring.  Sabin hits a dive.  Cover gets 2 back inside.  3D works over Roode.  Moore tags in and hits a diving cross body for Roode for 2.  Beer Money work over Moore.  Neal gets the hog tag and runs wild.  He face plants Roode and covers, but Storm saves.  Brother Ray tags in and knocks down Beer Money.  Neal schoolboys him for 2.  3D and the Guns fight.  Everybody brawls everywhere.  3D hits the Doomsday Device on Neal.  Moore saves and fights 3D.  They go for the 3D, but Neal stops it.  Moore hits the Mooregasm on Ray.  Neal spears Ray for the pin in 7:18.  Best thing on the show up to now and probably period.

Weird Ric Flair taped promo with impossible to read subtitles.

TNA Global Champion Rob Terry is headed our way!  He’ll face Abyss NEXT!

Jeff Hardy and RVD chat in the bathroom.  Who the fucking is taping this?

Rob Terry comes out for his title defense against Abyss.  Abyss doesn’t come out, because he’s getting arrested.  He’s apparently the one being accused of assaulting Chelsea.  Desmond Wolfe jumps him and is held back by the cops.  Hulk Hogan shows up to talk to Abyss, who professes in innocence.  Abyss doesn’t want to take his mask off.  Hogan takes the mask off and puts Abyss’ hood on his head.  The cops take Abyss away.  This is so motherfucking stupid.  Rob Terry is still in the ring.  Orlando Jordan (in pink gear) attacks Terry from behind and gropes his balls.  Jordan hits Terry with a lead pipe, then holds up a card that says, literally, “The Wild Card.”  Why the fuck am I watching this shit?  Didn’t I boycott this show after last week?

Orlando Jordan is still in the fucking ring.  He cuts a promo.  Okay, you’re gay, we get it.  He issues an open challenge.  Tomko (he still works here?) accepts.

Orlando Jordan vs. Tomko.  They do some awkward half assed shit.  Tomko presses Jordan, then hits a fall away slam.  Jordan hits a dropkick.  Jordan does some shit.  Tomko hits a clothesline for 2.  Jordan hits a Backstabber for 2.  Jordan clamps on a guillotine for the win in 3:14.  This blew.

Another weirdly taped thing with Hulk Hogan.  Lacey Von Erich comes in and shows him a cell phone video.

Eric Bischoff tells Tara she’s going to wrestle Sarita tonight.  She’s all bitchy about it.

Sarita vs. Tara.  Sarita attacks Tara on the ramp.  They finally get in the ring to start the match, then brawl outside some more.  Back inside, Sarita misses a dive, then beats up Tara some more.  Tara cries and begs off, then sends Sarita outside.  Sarita hits a slingshot splash, then goes after Tara’s knee brace.  The referee grabs her and gets elbowed in the face.  Tara hits Sarita with the knee brace for the pin in 1:52.  This sucked.  Tara beats her with the knee brace some more.

AJ Styles is backstage in his silly robe.  The main event is next.

Sting/Jeff Jarrett video package.

Non-Title Three-Way Match: Jeff Hardy vs. AJ Styles vs. TNA World Heavyweight Champion Rob Van Dam.  Styles argues with a fan.  The dastardly good guys double team the poor overwhelmed heel.  Hardy and RVD start to fight each other.  Hardy knocks RVD out of the ring.  Hardy fights AJ.  RVD comes in and lands kicks on both of them.  Hardy drops both of them with neckbreaker variations.  He covers RVD, but Styles saves.  Styles beats up both.  Styles attacks RVD’s leg.  He locks in the figure-four leglock.  Hardy leg drops Styles to break it.  Hardy goes up top.  Styles cuts him off and knocks him out of the ring.  RVD monkey flips AJ.  Ken Anderson attacks Hardy at ringside.  RVD hits his diving kick on Styles and the referee, then saves Hardy from Anderson.  Styles hits a dive on everybody.  Styles SPIKES RVD with a DDT on the floor.  Back inside, Styles puts his feet on the ropes and pins RVD in 5:54.  This was a mess.  Hardy calls Anderson to the ring to fight.  Anderson isn’t interested.  Hulk Hogan comes out and blocks his way to the back.  Hogan decks Anderson.  Hardy beats up Anderson.  Commercials.

Hardy and Anderson keep fighting.  Why the fuck isn’t this show over yet?  Hardy puts Anderson on a table and hits a Swanton off the announcers’ table through the table.  Many replays are shown.  Hardy celebrates.

They show Lacey Von Erich’s cell phone video of Desmond Wolfe and Chelsea setting up the whole fucking stupid angle with Abyss.

Sacrifice hype videos.

Fuck this horrible motherfucking show.  Why did I even watch this shit?

One Response to “TNA iMPACT! 5/13/10”

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