TNA iMPACT! 5/3/10

“Last week on iMPACT!…” video.

“Hogan/Sting – The Summit”

Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff talk while riding in a limo.

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo, Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  I’m sure David Penzer is around somewhere as ring announcer.  Tenay announces that iMPACT! is going back to Thursday.  I guess it took their lowest rating ever to convince them that Monday was a bad idea.

Ric Flair’s music plays.  Jay Lethal comes out in a suit, wearing Flair’s Hall of Fame ring.  Lethal is in full Flair impersonation mode, and it’s GREAT.  He does a better Ric Flair than Richard Fliehr.  The crowd turns it in and chants “WE WANT FLAIR!”  Ric Flair comes out.  Crowd chants “DOUBLE VISION!”  Flair stomps on his own sunglasses, I guess to make a point.  Lethal gives Flair his ring back and tells him he meant no disrespect.  Lethal puts over Flair like crazy.  Flair slaps him a bunch while berating him.  Lethal finally slaps him back and they brawl a little.  Lethal backdrops Flair and puts him in the figure-four leglock.  Beer Money, AJ Styles, and Desmond Wolfe run in to attack Lethal.  Abyss runs out to make the save, but gets beaten down too.  Team 3D runs in with the same effect.  TNA World Champion Rob Van Dam and a steel chair finally make the save.

Hogan and Bischoff are in their limo still.  Hogan gets a text about what just happened and tells the driver to turn around.

Moments ago, that long paragraph above happened.

The babyfaces are still in the ring and the heels are on the ramp.  RVD calls them “the Four Horse’s Asses.”  Flair agrees and everybody brawls some more.  They brawl over the place.  Hulk Hogan comes out, so his limo must not have been far away.  He drops all of the heels with one punch except for the 120 year old Ric Flair.  Commercials.

The brawl is still going on.  Security finally gets off their asses and breaks it up.  Hogan books RVD vs. Wolfe for the title, Abyss vs. Styles, and Beer Money vs. 3D vs. The Motor City Machine Guns for tonight.

Sting is in the rafters.

The Beautiful People bitch about having to defend all the titles.  Lacey is still stupid.

Doug Williams and Brian Kendrick are in the ring.  Williams still has the X Division Championship belt.  He cuts a promo on the shitty way he was stripped of the title due to a volcano.  He also resents having to tag with “this crazed lunatic.”  Williams says he’ll face Kazarian for the title at Sacrifice.

Doug Williams & Brian Kendrick vs. Ink Inc.  Ink Inc. is the new team of Shannon Moore and Jesse Neal.  They have a title shot against TNA World Tag Team Champions Matt Morgan at Sacrifice.  Williams and Neal start.  Morgan joins Tenay and Taz at the table.  Kendrick beats on Neal.  Stuff happens.  The match is completely secondary to Morgan’s bitching.  Moore gets the tag and runs wild on Kendrick.  Morgan leaves.  Kendrick gets a schoolboy for 2.  Moore hits a neckbreaker.  Neal tags in and spears Kendrick for the pin in 3:05.  Williams and Kendrick argue.  Samoa Joe comes out and drops both of them, then gives Kendrick the Muscle Buster.  Joe teases cutting a promo, then just throws the mic down and leaves.  Stupid match, stupid commentary, stupid aftermath, stupid segment.

Jeremy Borash is in Team Flair’s locker room.  Flair throws Borash out, so Borash eavesdrops while Flair bitches at everybody for being failures.

Backstage, Hogan whines about Sting cheating on him, or what the fuck ever it is.

Tenay and Taz hype the Hogan/Sting whatever and other shit.

Backstage, Ken Anderson beats up The Pope while wearing a dress, then rams a trunk into him and steals his sunglasses.

Ken Anderson comes out in his dress and babbles out a pseudo-sermon.  Jeff Hardy comes out and challenges Anderson for Sacrifice.  Anderson says no, then makes it blatantly obvious that he’s going to try to attack Jeff from behind, then gets dropped by the Twist of Fate.  Hardy rips Anderson’s dress off, then works Anderson’s mouth to “accept” the challenge.  Fucking retarded segment.

TNA Knockouts Championship & TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship Match: The Beautiful People (c) vs. Tara, Taylor Wilde, & Sarita.  Jobber entrances for the challengers.  Tara is in full heel mode.  Lacey is in full dumb bimbo mode.  Tara does the suplex into the guillotine.  Lacey throws a kick that fails, then dances.  Sarita tags in.  Velvet tags in and beats her up.  Sarita does some sloppy stuff.  Wilde tags in and Sarita backdrops her into a moonsault on Velvet for 2.  Velvet drops Wilde and tags in Rayne.  Wilde hits a sloppy release German suplex.  Tara screams for the tag, gets it, then Sarita blind tags herself in.  Tara decks Sarita.  Tara and Wilde argue and shove each other.  They go out of the ring.  Velvet and Lacey hit a double DDT on Sarita.  Rayne pins Sarita in 2:54.  Fucking abortion.

Still to come, Styles vs. Abyss and Wolfe vs. RVD.

Christy Hemme interviews Tara.  She challenges Rayne for the title at Sacrifice with Tara’s career on the line.

Three-Way Match: Team 3D vs. Beer Money vs. Motor City Machine Guns.  Beer Money and Guns both get jobber entrances.  Roode beats up Sabin.  Sabin does some flips and hits Roode with a kick for 2.  Storm and Shelley tag in.  Guns double team Storm.  Devon tags in and beats on Storm.  Storm hits a Codebreaker on Devon.  Beer Money work over Devon.  BEER!  MONEY!  Ray tags in and runs wild.  WASSUP headbutt on Roode.  Kevin Nash and Scott Hall come in and attack 3D for the DQ in 3:56.  Eric Young comes out with a Singapore cane, then to the shock of absolutely no one, turns on 3D and joins The Band.  The Guns come back in.  Shelley throws Young out of the ring.  Guns beat up Nash and Hall!  Beer Money beat up the Guns and hit the DWI on Sabin.  The heels beat down the babyfaces.

TNA’s cuts to commercial are very awkward.

David Penzer introduces Orlando Jordan, who gets on his “O-Zone” talk show set.  This is gayer than two guys blowing each other.  He interviews a cardboard cutout of Rob Terry.  Terry finally comes in, shoves Jordan down, tears up the cutout, and warns Jordan not to make him come back.  Terry holds up the Global Championship belt.  Jordan attacks Terry from behind and chokes him out.  Jordan throws a stupid vase thing on top of Terry.  Fuck this shit.

Monster’s Ball Match: AJ Styles vs. Abyss.  Styles springboards to the outside.  Abyss catches him and goes for a chokeslam.  Fails.  AJ throws a trash can.  Abyss throws AJ into the ring.  Abyss hits a big boot, then holds up a crutch.  AJ kicks him.  AJ avoids a chair shot.  Abyss punches him.  Abyss picks up the chair again.  AJ hits the Pele and a dropkick, then beats down Abyss.  Abyss sends AJ into a chair wedged between the turnbuckles, then hits the Shock Treatment for 2.  Abyss pours out thumbtacks.  Ric Flair and Chelsea come out.  Flair tells her to take her coat off.  Abyss tries to protect her and gets hit from behind by AJ.  Abyss sends Styles to the outside.  Styles hits a springboard cross body into the tacks for the pin in 4:11.  Chelsea opens her coat to reveal… her dress.  Flair and Styles put the boots to Abyss.  Another awkard cut to commercial.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: Rob Van Dam (c) vs. Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea).  Jobber entrance for Wolfe.  Wolfe attacks RVD on the outside immediately.  Wolfe beats up RVD back in the ring.  RVD blocks a suplex attempt.  Wolfe beats him up some more.  Cover gets 2.  Wolfe hits the Divorce Court for 2.  RVD hits the flying kick and the Rolling Thunder, then goes up top.  Wolfe cuts him off and goes for the Tower of London.  He tries again on the apron.  RVD counters and hits a springboard kick on the ramp.  ROB!  VAN!  DAM!  RVD backdrops Wolfe back into the ring, then hits the Five Star Frog Splash for the pin in 3:01, just so we all know Wolfe is a jobber.  AJ Styles sneak attacks RVD and says he’s taking his rematch at Sacrifice.

Backstage, Hulk Hogan finds that Jeff Jarrett has been clobbered by Sting.  Commercials.

Hulk Hogan comes out and babbles.  Sting comes out.  Hogan wants to know why Sting turned heel.  Sting says “Total Nonstop Action,” then babbles for a while about Hogan being protected, or something.  They banter.  Hogan challenges Sting to hit him.  Jeff Jarrett comes out, takes the bat, and hits Sting.  Hogan holds him back.  End of show.

That’s it.  Fuck this show.  I’m done.

One Response to “TNA iMPACT! 5/3/10”

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