TNA iMPACT! 4/5/10

“Last week on iMPACT!…” video package.

Christy Hemme is in the locker room explaining some convoluted womens’ match they’re doing tonight.  There’s gonna be four keys that unlock four boxes.  In the respective boxes are Poison (Tara’s spider), a contract for a match of their choice, something that will compel a woman to do a striptease, and the Knockouts Title.  Christy interviews the Knockouts Tag Team Champions, The Beautiful People.  Velvet says they’re going to crush the spider.  Lacey wants to do the walk around in her underwear.  She has to win a match for that?

iMPACT! open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Hulk Hogan, Abyss, and Jeff Jarrett come out.  Hogan and Abyss cut promos.  Ric Flair is wheeled out by Chelsea.  Sting, Desmond Wolfe, and Beer Money come out with him.  I assume that’s his team for Lockdown.  Flair cuts a typically great promo.  Crazy Ric Flair is awesome.  Hogan says Flair will find out who the rest of Team Hogan is “when the time is right.”  Team Flair heads to the ring.  Jarrett wants to ask Sting a question, “Friend to friend, or is it foe?”  I think it’s pretty fucking obvious he’s a foe when you’re on opposite sides of a blood feud, you fucking moron.  Jarrett asks Sting “Why now?” then slaps him.  Sting slaps him back and drops him with the Scorpion Death Lock.  Wolfe jumps Abyss with Sting’s bat.  Beer Money comes in and they corner Hogan.  Jeff Hardy and Rob Van Dam make the save.  I guess who know who the other two guys on Team Hogan are.  Commericials.

Rob Van Dam vs. James Storm.  JIP.  RVD has the advantage.  He hits a monkey flip out of the corner for 2.  RVD knocks Storm off of the apron with his flying kick, fails a baseball slide dropkick, and gets rammed into the barricade.  Storm hits the DDT OF MURDER! on RVD for 2.  RVD is the first guy I ever remember seeing take that move from Randy Orton.  Storm hits a suplex.  BEER!  Cover gets 2.  Storm clamps on a rear chin lock.  RVD fights out and gets a quick schoolboy for 2.  RVD hits a bunch of his fancy kicks.  RVD hits the Rolling Thunder for 2.  Storm hits an enzuigiri and the Eye of the Storm for 2.  RVD wallops Storm with a kick to the head, then slams him and hits the split legged moonsault for the pin (about 5 1/2 minutes shown).  Not a bad little match.  I fear this is as good as this show is going to get, though.  Storm smashes a beer bottle in RVD’s face.  Guys come out to check on him.  Commercials!

Moments ago, ^ happened.

The guys help RVD as Storm does RVD’s taunt on the ramp.  Jeff Hardy runs out and decks him from behind.  Storm bails.  Hardy checks on RVD.  Robert Roode sneaks in through the crowd and gives Hardy a spinebuster.

Christy Hemme interviews one of the teams in the convoluted women’s match tonight: Knockouts Champion Tara, Angelina Love, ODB, and Hamada.  Tara thinks TNA is doing this to get ratings.  Hah!  Like ANYTHING TNA does is going to get ratings.  Angelina wants the title.  They argue stupidly.  ODB wants the contract so she can wrestle AJ.  Hamada speaks Japanese.  Hemme says “What she said.”  I agree.

TNA Global Championship Match: “The Freak” Rob Terry (c) vs. Homicide.  Holy shit, Homicide is still employed!  Homicide tries, but Terry no sells everything he does and destroys him.  Terry press slams Homicide and otherwise tosses him around.  Homicide fails at building momentum.  Terry hits the over the shoulder powerslam for the pin in 1:57.  Whatever.  Homicide attacks Terry with a chair.  He gives Terry a chair shot RIGHT TO THE FUCKING HEAD, COMPLETELY UNPROTECTED.  Terry no sells it and chokeslams Homicide.  Terry is bleeding.  Orlando Jordan appears on the stage and shoots white cream all over himself.  … the fuck?  I saw this segment during the live airing and went on quite a tirade about it, but I’ve lost some of my venom since then.

Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle in a Ladder Match is still to come!  The stupid Knockouts match is NEXT!

The Beautiful People are getting ready.

Lock Box Showdown Elimination Match: TNA Knockouts Champion Tara, Angelina Love, ODB, & Hamada vs. TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions Velvet Sky & Madison Rayne, Lacey Von Erich, & Daffney.  They do some shit.  Who cares?  Rayne puts Tara in a head scissors and humps the mat.  Tara gives her the Window’s Peak for the pin at 1:13, so they’re both eliminated and Tara gets a key.  Daffney attacks somebody.  Insta-commercials.  ODB fights Velvet.  Daffney pinned Hamada after a failed moonsault during the break.  ODB hits a fall away slam on Velvet, nips up, and covers for 2.  Velvet pins ODB after a DDT to win key #3.  Angelina beats up Lacey.  Lacey fails the moonsault elbow drop.  Love hits a Flatliner for the pin (4:28 shown).  Tara, Daffney, Velvet, and Love win.  It doesn’t make sense to me either.  I give this whole concept -***** and I don’t even give star ratings.

They show the locked boxes in the back, except they’re all unlocked.  They’ll be (presumably) re locked and unlocked again later.

Angle/Anderson video package.

Ladder Match: Ken Anderson vs. Kurt Angle.  The prize is the key to the cage at Lockdown.  What is it with all of the fucking keys tonight?  Entrances, insta-commercials.  The match starts with Angle immediately going for the Angle Slam.  Anderson counters.  Anderson brings in a ladder and suplexes Angle onto it.  Angle belly to belly suplexes Anderson onto the ladder.  The ladder gets set up.  Angle gets whipped, ducks under it, and gets it thrown in his face.  Anderson goes for the key.  Angle hits the Angle Slam off of the ladder.  Angle throws Anderson out of the ring and goes for the key.  He climbs too slow.  Anderson comes back in and pushes the ladder over.  Angle takes a bump out of the ring.  Crowd chants “HOLY SHIT!” and they bleep it.  Anderson slowly climbs the ladder.  Angle climbs to the top rope and dropkicks the ladder over.  Angle lays out Anderson out the ladder, pounds his face in, goes up top, and hits a MOONSAULT onto Anderson ON THE LADDER!  Angle climbs the ladder.  Anderson steals the dog tag again and chokes Angle with it.  Angle still manages to touch the big wooden plank attached to the key, but finally passes out.  Anderson climbs up and grabs the key to win it in 9:11.  Actually a good match, but unnecessary.  Anderson says he’s going to drink some bubbly to celebrate his victory at Lockdown, because he just secured it.  He’s going to party by himself.

Jeremy Borash interviews Hulk Hogan.  JB asks him about Eric Bischoff.  Hogan says his business with Eric is private.  Bubba the Love Sponge comes up to talk to Hogan.  I wish that fuck would fuck off and fucking die.  He leaves.  Jay Lethal comes up to talk to Hogan and silliness ensues.

The Band shows up and meets Bubba.  Fuck that guy.

Later tonight, the unlocked boxes will be locked and unlocked again!

Christy Hemme interviews the TNA World Tag Team Champions Matt Morgan.  Seriously.  He’s champions by himself now.  Christy is confused.  That’s not a new sensation for her.

TNA World Tag Team Championship #1 Contenders Match: The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Team 3D.  They wrestled to a double pin on Xplosion last week.  Sabin and Ray start.  Ray wrings Sabin’s arm and Sabin does his flippy stuff to escape.  He wrings Bubba’s arm, and Bubba does Sabin’s flippy stuff to escape.  Sabin throws some kicks.  Bubba mows him down with a boot.  Sabin hits a NICE springboard cross body for 2.  Shelley tags in.  Guns double kick Bubba.  Bubba chops Shelley down.  Devon tags in and beats up Shelley.  Shelley catches Devon with a knee and makes the tag.  Sabin hits 3D with elbow smashes.  Sabin drops 3D with a double dropkick.  Sabin ducks Bubba, who accidentally clotheslines Devon.  Sabin hits an enzuigiri to drop Bubba.  Guns double team Devon.  The cross body/neckbreaker combo gets 2.  3D hit the WASSUP  on Sabin.  “GET THE TABLES!”  Why do they do that in every match?  You’ll be DQ’d, morons.  Devon sets up a table on the outside.  The Band comes out and jumps 3D to cause the DQ in 4:03.  Really fun little match while it lasted.  Syxx-Pac hits the X Factor on Bubba.  Hall hits the Razor’s Edge on Sabin.  Nash teases powerbomb Shelley, then just clotheslines him.  Can Nash even do a powerbomb anymore?  Pac spray paints Shelley’s back, then pounds on Bubba some more.  Commercials.

The Band is still in the ring.  Bubba the worthless fuck comes out to join them.  Nash says they might not be signing the checks, but they’re running the show.  Nash cuts a promo on Hogan.  They learned how to be bad from him, etc. etc.  The Wolfpac rip off theme plays.

JB interviews The Pope.  Desmond Wolfe interrupts “The Poop.”  That’s what it sounded like he said, anyway.  Wolfe says he should be getting the title shot.  He could pull double duty at Lockdown.  Pope says Wolfe can have the title shot if he beats him tonight.

Tara is stressing about the key.

TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams comes out.  Crowd chants “USA!”  Williams talks about the flippy floppy guys in the X Division.  He wants to called Douglas Williams from now on.  He’s going to face Generation Me in a Gauntlet Match tonight.

Non-Title: TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams vs. Jeremy Buck.  Jeremy gets a near fall with a moonsault body block.  Jeremy hits a slingshot X Factor for 2.  Williams avoids another moonsault and hits the Chaos Theory for the pin in 1:22.

Non-Title: TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams vs. Max Buck.  Max hits a slingshot clothesline into the ring, does some flippy stuff, and gets 2 off of a dropkick.  Max keeps the pressure on and hits a leg drop for 2.  Max goes up top.  Williams cuts him off and locks in a guillotine for the submission win in 1:17.  He refuses to break the hold.  Shannon Moore makes the save and tries to put makeup on Williams.  Williams bails.  Moore calls Williams a boring ass wrestler.  Fuck him.  He wants a title shot at Lockdown.  Ugh.

Angelina Love has a key.

House Show plugs.

Christy Hemme interviews Team 3D.  Bubba is like “WTF man?”  Bubba challenges “the Wolfpac” to a match next week.  Devon says they’ll kick their asses.

Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  Wolfe gets a jobber entrance.  He meets Pope on the stage and they brawl.  Pope throws Wolfe into the ring, takes his entrance gear off, and gets jumped trying to get into the ring.  Pope fights back.  Crowd chants “POPE IS PIMPIN’!”  Wolfe hits the Divorce Court and goes for the Tower of London.  Pope counters.  Pope drops his knee pads and hits a Codebreaker(!) for the pin in 2:04.  Too short to amount to anything.  The World Champion AJ Styles jumps Pope, kicks his ass, and gives him the Styles Clash.  Abyss comes out.  Styles bails.  Wolfe jumps Abyss and gets his ass kicked.  Styles clips Abyss’ leg.  Styles taunts Pope.  Wolfe hits Abyss with a fire extinguisher.

Tenay and Taz talk about how Team Flair has picked off Team Hogan.

JB is on stage with the locked boxes and chicks who won keys.  Velvet Sky wins the open contract.  Tara wins her spider.  She’s happy, then realizes that means she lost the title.  Angelina wins the Knockouts Title and Daffney has to strip.  JB tells Daffney she has to do the striptease or be fired.  They play stripper music.  Daffney walks to the ring looking nothing at all like a chick I want to see strip.  She takes off her hat and collar.  She lowers hear straps a little bit.  Lacey Von Erich runs out, whacks Daffney with the ugly stick, and starts to do the strip tease.  Tara and Angelina start brawling over the title.  Lacey just prances around while Tara and Angelina roll around the mat.  Velvet says next week, she’s using her contract to face Angelina in a Leather & Lace Match.  Tara and Love go after Lacey.  Security holds them back.  The show ends.

Seriously, fuck this show.

One Response to “TNA iMPACT! 4/5/10”

  1. […] 3/30- WWE NXT 4/1- WWE Superstars 4/2- WWE Friday Night Smackdown! 4/5- WWE Monday Night Raw / TNA iMPACT! / ROH 4/6- WWE NXT 4/8- WWE Superstars 4/9- WWE Friday Night Smackdown! 4/12- WWE Monday Night Raw […]

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