WWE Monday Night Raw 3/28/11

WWE open.

CM Punk is sitting Indian style in the ring.  We’re LIVE from Chicago.  He cuts a promo about Randy Orton.  He blames the New Nexus for their own misfortunes.  They show Punk’s attack on Orton at Orton’s bus last week.  He says he’ll close this chapter at Mania.  Randy Orton limps out with his knee taped up.  They brawl.  Orton hits the DDT OF MURDER and humps the mat despite his injured knee.  Orton goes for the punt, but his knee gives out and Punk escapes.  He realizes that this would be a good time to take advantage of a wounded opponent and returns to the ring to taunt him, then kicks him in the injured knee.  Punk delivers the Go 2 Sleep.

Tonight, The Undertaker and Triple H will face off!  So will John Cena, The Miz, and The Rock.

Edge and Christian meet up backstage.  Edge talks about the stupidity of Teddy Long saying he can’t touch Alberto Del Rio on Smackdown, but the iBooker says he can.  Commercials.

WWE Rewind: Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio from Smackdown.

Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and Josh Matthews are the announcers.  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

World Heavyweight Champion Edge & Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio & Brodus Clay.  Del Rio & Clay are of course introduced by Ricardo Rodriguez.  Edge and Clay start.  Clay is awesome at beating and being beaten.  Edge and Christian make quick tags and try to work Clay’s arm over.  They bundle him out of the ring and Christian gos for a dive.  Clay catches him, but Edge knocks him down with a baseball slide dropkick.  Commercials.  Del Rio works Christian’s arm, having gained the advantage during the break.  Del Rio and Clay keep the heat going on Christian.  Edge gets the hot tag and runs wild.  Edge goes for the spear on Clay, but Del Rio trips him from the outside.  Christian attacks Del Rio, who whips him into the barricade.  Edge spears Clay for the pin in 8:15.  The match was fine.  Del Rio puts Christian in the cross armbreaker in the aisle.  Edge chases Del Rio out of the building.  Edge goes back to check on Christian.  Del Rio attacks him from behind and puts him in the cross armbreaker.

Trish Stratus and Snooki are in a bar in New Jersey.  Commercials.

Sin Cara vignette.

Chicago!

WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley are backstage with an upside down WWE logo.

The iBooker dings in.  Lawler believes this will be a good chance to fuck with Cole, but Cole, who routinely leaves the Cole Mine, now stays securely inside and reads the e-mail from his iPad.  Cole announcers Lawler vs. Jack Swagger for tonight.

Awesome Undertaker/Triple H hype video.  They’ll face off tonight!  Commercials!

WrestleMania Week events list.

WWE Tag Team Champion Justin Gabriel (w/ WWE Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett, WWE Tag Team Champion Heath Slater, & Ezekiel Jackson) vs. Santino Marella (w/ The Big Show, Kane, Vladimir Kozlov, & Tamina).  These guys will have an 8-man tag at Mania.  They lock up and wrestle a bit.  Slater distracts Santino.  Gabriel lands a spin kick for 2.  Gabriel cranks on Santino’s arm.  Santino throws him off and makes his comeback.  Santino frighters Slater with the Cobra.  Kane decks Slater.  Kozlov trips Gabriel behind the referee’s back.  Show and Kane take out the rest of the Corre at ringside.  Santino hits the Cobra for the pin in 1:52.  There ya go.  All of the babyfaces celebrate jovially.

Plug for WWE All Stars, a very silly looking game.

Triple H is headed our way!  Commercials.

Keri Hilson will perform America The Beautiful at WrestleMania.  Never heard of her.

The Undertaker comes out.  So does Triple H.  So does Shawn Michaels.  Michaels apologizes for interrupting, then proceeds to hype up the match.  Michaels is mad that Triple H thinks he can do what Michaels couldn’t.  Triple H says Michaels has gone soft.  He talks about Undertaker’s dedication and says that’s why he chose to pattern himself after Taker.  Triple H has this really great bit about how he and Shawn made a pact to tell each other when it was time to leave, and now he’s telling Taker it’s time for him to leave out of respect.  Taker says if he ever needed someone to put him down, he’d want it to be Triple H, but it’s not time for that yet.  He says he and the streak will both survive Mania.  Taker talks about how Michaels failed twice despite his greatness and that is now humbled.  He sort of shoves Michaels.  Michaels goes for the superkick.  Undertaker catches it and goes for the chokeslam.  Triple H breaks it up and stares down Taker.  He tells Shawn to tell Taker why he will beat him at Mania.  Shawn leaves instead.  Triple H calls out to him.  Shawn looks back and says “You can’t win.”  Taker tips his hat to Triple H and leaves.  Fucking great segment.

Tonight a face off between Cena, Rock, and Miz that won’t be in the same universe as the one we just saw.  Commercials.

Jack Swagger (w/ Michael Cole) vs. Jerry “The King” Lawler.  Lawler comes out to new music that sucks compared to the music he’s always used in WWE.  Cole gets on the apron.  Lawler lunges for him.  Swagger jumps Cole and beats him up.  Swagger sends Lawler outside and throws him over the barricade so he can pose uninterrupted.  Lawler clocks Swagger with a chair to cause the DQ in 1:16, then several more times to boot.  He goes after Cole, who hides in the Cole Mine, so Lawler hits the Cole Mine, then tries to climb into it.  He’s held back by Cole’s security.  Cole throws liquid on him, then talks shit from the safety of his box.

Tonight, Cena/Rock/Miz stuff.  Commercials.

Slam of the Week: John Morrison & Trish Stratus vs. Dolph Ziggler, LayCool, & Vickie Guerrero from last week, where Morrison did the job for Vickie Guerrero.  Yes.  That happened.

Vickie Guerrero comes out to be obnoxious and do John Morrison poses.  I fast forward through her screaming with her nails on a chalkboard voice.

WWE United States Champion Sheamus & Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. John Morrison & Daniel Bryan.  Sheamus beats up Morrison.  One of Morrison’s best roles is getting his ass kicked by Sheamus.  Morrison decks Ziggler on the apron.  Sheamus hits the Irish Curse for 2.  Commercials.  Morrison continues playing face in peril.  Bryan tags in and locks Ziggler in the LeBell Lock.  Sheamus kicks Bryan in the back of the head, then tags in and kills Bryan with a Polish Hammer.  Morrison saves.  Ziggler accosts Morrison and gets dropped with a Pele Kick.  Sheamus sends Morrison outside.  Bryan goes for the LeBell Lock.  Sheamus counters, then avoids Bryan in the corner and hits the Razor’s Edge for the pin in 6:15.  What the showed of it was pretty fun.

Earlier tonight, stuff went down between Randy Orton and CM Punk.

Randy Orton ices his injured knee backstage.  Scott Stanford asks him if he’ll make it to Mania.  He says he’ll make it there, but Punk won’t make it out.

Tonight, Cena/Rock/Miz stuff.  Commercials.

Chicago!

New Hall of Fame inductee: The Road Warriors!

Trish Stratus and Snooki TAPED via satellite.  Pretty sure Snooki is drunk.  Some Jersey tard hits on them.  Snooki slaps him.  LayCool show up.  Snooki throws a drink in Layla.  They brawl.

Cena/Rock/Miz next.  Commercials.

The Rock comes out.  He talks about how his first WrestleMania match was in this building.  He goes on with his promo, the highlight of which is when he calls John Cena “a homeless Power Ranger.”  Cena comes out and talks to Rock for a while.  They get mad at each other and act like they’re gonna fight.  WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley come out.  Miz babbles for a while.  Rock says it doesn’t matter what Miz thinks.  Miz and Riley jump The Rock.  Cena has disappeared.  Rock makes his own comeback, knocks Riley out of the ring, and DDTs Miz and gives him the People’s Elbow, then throws him out of the ring.  Cena comes back in and gives Rock the Attitude Adjustment.

Pretty good go-home show, I thought.

WWE Monday Night Raw 3/21/11

WWE open.

Justin Roberts introduces Jim Ross.  Michael Cole comes out in a fat suit and a cowboy hat.  I already hate this show.  Cole throws the hat at Jerry Lawler and scampers into the Cole Mine for safety.  Cole, Lawler, and Josh Matthews are the announcers.

Triple H comes out to cut a promo about his match with The Undertaker at WrestleMania.  He asks Undertaker to show up on Raw next week.  He talks more about how one of them is going to die at Mania.  After the promo, Ted Dibiase Jr. comes out to talk about how far his star has fallen.  He wants to take out Triple H so people will notice him.  Triple H kicks his ass, throws him into stuff, and beats him with a chair.  Pedigree through the announce table.  This had absolutely no purpose besides burying Dibiase even further under the Earth.

Tonight, John Cena responds to the Miz live via satelitte.  Are you fucking serious?  Also, The Miz is “rewriting Miz-story.”  Ugh.  Commercials.

Non-Title: WWE United States Champion Sheamus vs. Evan Bourne.  Sheamus is good and pissed off, probably because he got the jobber entrance, and beats up Bourne.  Bourne avoids Sheamus in the corner, then kicks him in the face.  Bourne goes for the Shooting Star press, but crashes and burns when Sheamus avoids it.  Sheamus hits the brogue kick for the pin in 1:23.  There ya go.  Sheamus says he’s the United States Champion of America.  Former United States Champion of America Daniel Bryan comes out and says he wants his rematch at WrestleMania.  Sheamus throws him the belt and drops him with the brogue kick.  So Bryan is getting buried too.

Tonight, WrestleMania Rewind: Mysterio vs. Orton!  Commercials.

Slam of the Week: Randy Orton defeating and punting Mason Ryan last week, to CM Punk’s displeasure.

Randy Orton steps off of his bus.  Scott Stanford interviews him.

Non-Title: Maryse vs. WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres.  Maryse prances around and poses.  Eve facetiously claps.  They get into a cat fight.  Maryse rams Eve’s face into stuff.  Eve avoids a charge and Maryse hits her leg on the rope.  Michael Cole starts talking over the match again, calling for it to end.  I actually agree with him, but feel sorry for the divas.  Eve goes for a standing moonsault, but Maryse gets her knees up.  Maryse goes for a neckbreaker, but Eve counters into her neckbreaker drop for the pin in 2:20.  Terrible.  Cole is happy it’s over, and so am I.  Eve tries to get at Cole in the Cole Mine, but of course Cole has security there to protect him from women and old announcers.  Eve manages to slap Cole’s arm.  Cole talks shit while security takes her away.

Tonight, Rewriting “Miz-Story,” whatever the fuck that is.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

From Smackdown: The Corre beat down The Big Show & Kane.

Non-Title: WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater of The Corre (w/ Wade Barrett & Ezekiel Jackson) vs. Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov (w/ Tamina).  I’ve seen this match 700 times and it’s never been good.  Santino and Gabriel do some shit.  Santino threatens Slater with the Cobra.  Gabriel drops Santino with a kick for 2.  Slater tags in and works over Santino.  Kozlov gets the tag and runs wild.  Barrett distracts Kozlov.  Slater hits a reverse DDT.  Gabriel tags in and hits the 450 splash on Kozlov for the pin in 1:50.  At least it’s over.  Or not.  The Corre beat down Santino & Kozlov.  The Big Show and Kane make the save.  Kane throws Gabriel into the barricade.  Show gives Slater the KO punch.  Kane and Show hit a double chokeslam on Jackson.  Show shakes hands with Santino and Kozlov.

John Cena live via satellite next.  Commercials.

The Rock will be here next week.

Pittsburgh!

Highlights of Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio last week.  Cena was beaten down by Del Rio, Brodus Clay, and then The Miz who was dressed up as The Rock.

The announcers talk to John Cena via satellite.

Cole gets out of his cage to be obnoxious.  He promises to be obnoxious more next.  Commercials.

Michael Cole and Jack Swagger prance around the ring like fairies together.  Swagger stands in front of the announce table.  Cole talks shit about Lawler.  They show Brian Christopher being a snot nosed little bastard to his dad last week.  Cole says Christopher gave him the Lawler family photo album.  They show pictures of Lawler’s family on the big screen while Cole makes fun of them.  Lawler has finally had enough and gets up from the table.  Swagger jumps him, but Lawler kicks ass and chases Cole around the ring.  Swagger clotheslines Lawler and Cole scampers away into the Cole Mine for safety.  Swagger pushes Lawler’s face into the cage while Cole talks shit.  Swagger puts Lawler in the ankle lock.  With Lawler safely down, Cole takes over.  I can’t wait to see Lawler pound Cole’s face in at Mania.

Tonight, Mysterio vs. Orton!  Commercials.

Pittsburgh!

Lawler is gone.  Cole is an obnoxious little shit.

Last week: Stuff with Snooki, Vickie Guerrero, Trish Stratus, LayCool, Dolph Ziggler, and John Morrison.

Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero, Michelle McCool, & Layla) vs. John Morrison (w/ Trish Stratus).  They lock up.  Ziggler has found his viciousness.  He beats Morrison down.  Morrison rallies and beats on Ziggler in the corner.  Ziggler hits a neckbreaker for 2.  Ziggler applies a rear chin lock.  Morrison fights out and lands a dropkick, then clotheslines Ziggler out of the ring.  McCool blocks him from doing a dive.  Trish takes out LayCool.  The iBooker dings in.  Cole reads that it’s now Morrison & Trish vs. Ziggler, LayCool, & Vickie.  Trish tries to grab Vickie, but LayCool get her away.  Commercials.  Ugh.

Handicap Match: Dolph Ziggler, Michelle McCool, Layla, & Vickie Guerrero vs. John Morrison & Trish Stratus.  JIP.  Ziggler has Morrison in a rear chin lock.  Morrison fights out.  Ziggler avoids the running knee and tags in Layla.  Trish beats up Layla.  Trish hits the Stratusphere, then chops Layla in the tits.  McCool kicks Trish from the apron.  They cut Trish off and get the heat on her.  Vickie tags in and misses a leg drop.  Morrison tags in and runs wild on Ziggler.  Morrison hits the Flying Chuck.  Layla pulls Trish off the apron.  Morrison misses the Starship Pain.  Ziggler hits the Zig Zag.  Ziggler tags in Vickie, who pins Morrison (4:11 shown).  Yes, John Morrison just did a job for Vickie Guerrero.  I hate the world.

Tonight, whatever stupid thing The Miz is doing.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Sin Cara vignette.

Various wrestlers talk about the Undertaker/Triple H Mania match.

They show Randy Orton taking out all of the members of the New Nexus as he makes his way to the ring.  Orton vs. Mysterio is NEXT!  Commercials.

They replay Orton’s promo from earlier tonight, with really horrible audio.

WrestleMania Rewind Match: Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio Jr.  Mysterio tries a go behind.  Orton elbows him in the face.  They go back and forth a bit.  Orton lands a European uppercut from his knees, which looks to be about the right height to hit Mysterio.  Orton slides Mysterio out of the ring and throws him back in, so that was pretty pointless.  Cover gets 2.  Orton continues the offensive with a rear chin lock.  Mysterio hits the diving seated senton.  Orton hits the powerslam and goes for the DDT OF MURDER.  Mysterio counters and goes for the 619.  Orton counters and hits the DDT OF MURDER.  CM Punk appears on the screen.  He’s at Orton’s bus.  He says he’s going to go in and meet Orton’s wife.  Orton runs to the back and presumable gets counted out.  He makes it to the bus, where Punk hits him with a wrench.  Orton’s wife screams, then looks oddly turned on by Punk, then calls for help.  I guess the match is a no-contest in about 4 minutes.  Shame.

Miz’s thing is next.  Commercials.

Undertaker, Triple H, and The Rock will all be here next week.

Alex Riley is in the ring.  He’s been rehired as Miz’s “Vice President of Corporate Communications.”  He introduces WWE Champion The Miz, who comes out without the belt.  He blathers for a while.  He turns the WWE log upside down so it looks like Ms instead of Ws, because his name is Miz.  He’s done the same with the belt.  John Cena appears on the tron and makes fun of him.  Geeks take away Cena’s “walls” to reveal he’s actually in the arena.  That was really fucking stupid.  Cena hits the ring to fight.  Miz runs away.  Cena puts Riley in the STF.  Repeatedly.

This show sucked.

WWE Friday Night Smackdown! 3/18/11

WWE open, Smackdown open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Josh Matthews and Booker T are the announcers.  Tonight, The Big Show & Kane take on The Corre for the Tag Team Championship!  Wait a second… didn’t they announce The Corre vs. Edge & Christian for the titles during Raw?  Tony Chimel is the ring announcer.

Geeks at ringside are putting together the Cole Mine.  Michael Cole gets his own entrance.  Fucking ugh.

Non-Title: World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs. Brodus Clay (w/ Alberto Del Rio & Ricardo Rodriguez).  Edge hammers Clay with punches, who takes them like a big man should.  Edge comes off the top rope, but Clay catches him and gives him an Exploder.  Clay goes to work on Edge’s arm.  Edge fails a tornado DDT.  Clay succeeds with a clothesline, then fails with a headbutt.  Edge fails the Edgecution, but gives Clay a drop toe hold into the turnbuckles.  Edge hits a diving cross body for 2.  Edge goes for a sunset flip.  Clay sits on him for 2.  Edge avoids a running ass to the corner and hits a diving bulldog headlock.  Edge goes for the spear.  Ricardo distracts the ref.  Del Rio trips Edge.  Clay does something to him for 2.  Christian comes out and attacks Del Rio.  Clay headbutts Christian off the apron.  Edge spears Clay for the pin in 5:09.  Fun match.  I greatly enjoy Brodus Clay.  Del Rio attacks Edge after the match.  Christian makes the save.  They brawl outside the ring and over the announce table.  Referees break it up.  Teddy Long comes out and books Del Rio vs. Christian for tonight inside a Steel Cage~!

Next, Kofi Kingston vs. Sheamus, Champion vs. Champion!  Matthews says Champion vs. Champion is rare.  He is blatantly lying to you, because it’s WWE doctrine to shamelessly and unapologetically lie to their fans.

Non-Title: WWE United States Champion Sheamus vs. WWE Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston.  They lock up.  Sheamus attacks Kofi’s arm.  Cole is fucking obnoxious and should fuck off and die.  Kofi fights back and hits corner punches.  Sheamus drops Kofi’s face into the top turnbuckle.  Sheamus hits a short lariat for 2.  Sheamus hits a neckbreaker for 2, then applies a hold.  Kofi fights out and eats an elbow smash.  Kofi gets a cradle for 2.  Kofi hits the pendulum kick in the corner, then hits the diving cross body.  Sheamus rolls through and goes for a powerslam.  Kofi escapes and lands some blows.  Kofi hits a side Russian leg sweep, a big chop, and the Boom Drop.  He goes for the Trouble In Paradise, but Sheamus bails to the apron and pulls Kofi’s neck across the top rope.  Kofi fights out of the Irish Curse and hits the S.O.S. for 2.  They go outside and Kofi hits a clothesline off the steps.  Sheamus kicks the steps into Kofi’s leg.  Back inside, Sheamus hits the brogue kick for the pin in 5:16.  It was okay.

They show the recent happenings with Kane, The Big Show, and The Corre.

The Big Show and Kane chat backstage.  Show wants to bury the hatchet and win the tag titles.  Kane goozles him.  Show goozles Kane back.  They break their goozles.  Kane says “You complete me.”  I’m confused.

Trent Barreta vs. Cody Rhodes.  Rhodes has new music, a towel over his head, and is still wrestling in his suit.  Rhodes beats up Barreta and heatbutts him with the face mask for the pin in 48 seconds.  Well… there ya go.

They show Alberto Del Rio injuring Christian back in September.  They meet in a cage TONIGHT!

Kansas City!

Replay of Shawn Michaels talking about The Undertaker.

Layla in action next.  Ugh.

Layla (w/ Michelle McCool) vs. Kelly Kelly.  McCool on commentary does not make this better.  They shove each other.  Kelly rams Layla’s face into the turnbuckle, then stomps on her.  Kelly  does a tarantula headscissors thing, then hits a Lou Thesz press.  Kelly hits an X-Factor for 2.  Kelly goes for the handspring to the corner, but Layla dropkicks her.  Kelly rams Layla’s head into the mat, then gets on her shoulders, then falls off, then dropkicks her.  Kelly goes up top, but McCool yells at her.  Layla pulls her down and pins her in 2:05.  This was terrible.

Tag titles are NEXT!

Sin Cara vignette.

WWE Tag Team Championship Match: Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater (c) of The Corre vs. The Big Show & Kane.  Kane beats up Gabriel.  Basement dropkick gets 2.  Gabriel flips over Kane’s back and tags in Slater, who promptly gets beaten up by Kane.  Kane hits a sidewalk slam for 2.  Slater takes out Kane’s leg.  The Corre go to work on it.  Gabriel dives at Kane, but gets caught with an uppercut.  Show tags in and runs wild on Slater.  Show hits the chokeslam  on Slater.  Gabriel pulls the referee out of the ring to cause the DQ in 3:03.  Kane throws Gabriel into the ring.  Show goes for the chokeslam.  Wade Barrett and Ezekiel Jackson appear and attack Show and Kane.  Barrett hits the Wasteland on Show.  Kane tries to fight back, but gets beaten down as well.  Show tries to make the save, but gets beaten down again.  The Corre put one section of steps on top of Kane and hit it with the other one.  Jackson and Barrett drop Show on the announce table, which awkwardly doesn’t break.

Todd Grisham, who is still employed, interviews Alberto Del Rio, who is not an animal.

Jack Swagger vs. Chris Masters.  Jobber entrance for Masters, who I’m sure will be doing the job.  They show Swagger and Cole beating up Jim Ross on Raw.  Swagger beats up Masters while Cole practically masturbates at ringside.  Masters hits a Samoan Drop.  Masters goes for the Master Lock, but Swagger backs him into the corner and goes for the ankle lock.  Masters kicks Swagger out of the ring.  Swagger rams Master’s ankle into the post, then locks in the ankle lock for the win 1:56.  Well, that’s done.  Cole gets in the ring and puts Masters in the ankle lock and screams “COME ON LAWLER!” repeatedly.  I can not wait for Lawler to punch Cole in the face at WrestleMania.

Rey Mysterio is headed our way.

Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. Ted Dibiase Jr. (w/ Maryse).  2 Raw guys on the show for no apparent reason.  Mysterio slides under Dibiase, but Dibiase pounces and pounds on him.  Rey sends Dibiase into the turnbuckles, then dives off the top.  Dibiase meets him with a dropkick for 2.  Rey goes for a rana, flips out, lands on his feet, and eats a clothesline.  Cover gets 2 for Dibiase.  Dibiase applies a chin lock.  Dibiase hits a backbreaker.  Mysterio goes to the apron and goes for a springboard something.  Mysterio ends up planting Dibiase with a DDT.  Dibiase hits a weird reverse powerbomb for 2.  Dibiase goes for the Dream Street, but Mysterio counters it.  Mysterio hits the 619 and the diving splash for the pin in 3:35.  This felt way longer than 3:35.  I wasn’t into it.

They show Christian returning at Elimination Chamber to save Edge from Alberto Del Rio.  They meet in a cage TONIGHT~!

WrestleMania hype.

The cage is being lowered.  The main event is NEXT!

I’m watching the UK version of Smackdown, which includes a random “From The Vault” with part of a Triple H & Undertaker vs. Edge & Big Show match.  Jim Ross and Tazz are the announcers, so this must be from 2008 or 2009.

Tony Chimel introduces Ricardo Rodriguez to introduce Alberto Del Rio.

Steel Cage Match: Alberto Del Rio vs. Christian.  They tear into each other immediately, which is the way and grudge match in a steel cage should start.  Del Rio counters the Killswitch and sends Christian to the corner, then clotheslines him.  Christian reverses Del Rio’s whip and Del Rio climbs up the cage.  Christian follows and they fight on the top rope.  Del Rio either goes for a German suplex or some prison rape.  Christian avoids both unpleasant fates, but does suffer a top rope Samoan Drop that looked like it sucked for both guys.  Insta-commercials.  Don’t try this at home!  Del Rio kicks Christian in the face and stomps on him.  Del Rio telegraphs a back body drop and gets kicked in the face, but avoids a charge and throws Christian into the cage, then pushes Christian’s face into the fence with his foot.  Del Rio hits a backdrop suplex for 2.  Del Rio tries to climb out of the cage, but Christian pulls him down by the foot.  Del Rio kicks Christian in the leg, then tries to harpoon him into the cage.  Christian saves himself with his hands, then hits a reverse DDT for 2.  Christian beats up Del Rio and launches him into the cage.  Cover gets 2.  Christian tries to get out through the door, but Del Rio prevents it.  Christian tries to climb out of the cage.  Del Rio tries to prevent that, gets knocked down with an elbow, then jumps up to the top rope and drops Christian with an enzuigi for 2.  Del Rio tries to get out through the door, but Christian isn’t having that shit.  Del Rio goes for the Minoru Special, but Christian counters and hits the Killswitch for 2.  Christian climbs again.  Del Rio pulls him down and beats him up against the cage.  Del Rio climbs to the top of the cage.  Christian joins him.  They fight on top of the cage.  Del Rio rams Christian’s face into the steel.  He starts to go down the side, but Christian climbs on his back.  They fight, and Del Rio knocks Christian to the floor.  Christian wins the match (9:36 shown).  Good match.  Del Rio attacks Christian afterward and says he’s going to destroy him with a chair.  Edge appears in Del Rio’s entrance car and honks the horn to get Del Rio’s attention.  Edge teases vandalizing the car.  Del Rio begs him not to.  Brodus Clay appears and attacks Edge, putting him down with a chair shot.  Del Rio delivers a con-chair-to to Edge’s arm.

Besides the opener and the main event, this show was pretty lame.

WWE Monday Night Raw 3/14/11

WWE open.

The Rock appears on the screen pretending to talk to President Obama on the phone.  John Cena’s music plays.  A kid dressed like Cena appears in Rock’s office.  Rock has a talk with “Cena,” makes him cry, and gives him some Fruity Pebbles.  Rock then cuts a serious promo on The Miz.

Trish Stratus chats with Snooki backstage.

Michael Cole, Josh Matthews, and Jerry Lawler are the announcers.  Cole is in a plexiglass box.  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

WWE Champion The Miz comes out.  They show his various recent attacks on John Cena.  Miz cuts a promo on The Rock.  iBooker dings in.  Cole leaves the Cole Mine to read it, so what’s the point of the Cole Mine?  Lawler punks him down and reads it himself.  Tonight, there are to be 2 never before seen matches: Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio and Miz vs. Great Khali, the latter of which is next.  Commercials

Non-Title: WWE Champion The Miz vs. Great Khali (w/ Ranjin Singh).  Miz goes on the attack.  Khali lightly shoves him down.  Khali beats up Miz, who looks like a midget by comparison.  Khali applies the head vice.  Miz gets a rope break.  Alex Riley appears and attacks Khali to cause the DQ in 1:10.  Khali gives Riley the crown chop and the tree slam.  Miz wears out Khali with a chair.  So let me get this straight: THE WWE CHAMPION, 3 WEEKS BEFORE WRESTLEFREAKINGMANIA, COULDN”T BEAT THE GREAT FUCKING KHALI?  It’s not like Khali has any fucking credibility anyway, since the last time he was on Raw he was doing the stupid kiss cam.  Miz DDTs Khali on the chair.

Cole promises to “expose” Jerry Lawler tonight.  Also, Randy Orton vs. Mason Ryan.  Commercials.

WWE.com plug.

From Smackdown: Triple H cut a promo on The Undertaker.

Saint Louis!

John Morrison hits on Snooki backstage.  Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler interrupt.  Vickie talks shit to Snooki.  Snooki slaps her.  Vickie throws a fit.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

WWE United States Championship: Daniel Bryan (c) (w/ Gail Kim) vs. Sheamus.  Sheamus promised to quit if he lost, but he seems to be having second thoughts about that.  They lock up and wrestle a bit.  Sheamus hits a shoulder block for 0.  Bryan back flips over Sheamus and hits a drop toe hold.  He goes for the LeBell Lock, but Sheamus rolls to the apron.  Bryan kicks him off and lands a tope suicida.  Back inside, Bryan hits a missile dropkick for 2.  Sheamus bails.  Commercials.  Sheamus has Bryan in a neck crank, having gained the advantage during the break.  Sheamus beats on Bryan.  Sheamus lands a knee lift for 2.  Bryan catches an inside cradle for 2, then back body drops Sheamus to the floor.  Sheamus sells a leg injury like he did last week.  Sheamus makes it back in.  The referre stands in Bryan’s way.  Sheamus goes for the brogue kick, but Bryan ducks and locks in the LeBell Lock.  Sheamus gets a rope break.  Sheamus goes for the Razor’s Edge, but Bryan counters into a cradle for 2.  They trade elbows.  Bryan lands a flurry of kicks for 2.  Bryan goes up top and dives.  Sheamus kills him in midair with the brogue kick for the pin in 8:59 to win the title.  Fun match, even if the Bryan mark in me is a little bummed he lost the title.

Cole promises to interview someone from Lawler’s past next.  Commercials.

Slam of the Week: Last week, Michael Cole introduced JBL as his WrestleMania referee, but Stone Cold Steve Austin intervened and signed on for the job.  Also, beer was poured on Michael Cole, which was awesome.

Michael Cole is obnoxious, then introduces his guest, Lawler’s son Brian Christopher.  Christopher comes out dancing to the old Too Cool music and looking older than his dad.  The crowd does not give a fuck.  Christopher talks about what a shitty dad Lawler was.  Lawler retorts about what a fuck up Christopher is.  Christopher asks Lawler how he feels about Christopher competing at WrestleMania before him, then shoves and slaps his dad.  He says he never used Lawler’s name because he’s ashamed of him.  Cole starts to shit talk Lawler again.  “Boomer Sooner” plays and Jim Ross comes out!  Cole shit talks JR.  They banter for a bit.  Cole continues talking shit, then Ross acts like he wants to fight.  Jack Swagger appears from somewhere and jumps Lawler, then beats up JR and puts him in the ankle lock.  Lawler wakes up to make the save.  Cole jumps on his back.  Swagger knocks Lawler down and puts him in the ankle lock.  Cole puts JR in the ankle lock.

Tonight, Cena vs. Del Rio!  It could be a big money drawing match in 6 months to a year, so of course they’re giving it away free with no build!  Orton vs. Ryan is next.  Commercials.

WWE Rewind: Randy Orton punting Michael McGillicutty 2 weeks ago, and David Otunga last week.

Randy Orton vs. Mason Ryan (w/ CM Punk).  Punk watches from the stage since he isn’t allowed at ringside.  They lock up, then brawl.  Ryan hits a backbreaker for 2.  Ryan hits 2 more backbreakers for 2, so an extra backbreaker does not equal an extra count.  Ryan applies a bear hug.  Ryan hits a side Rock Bottom for 2.  He goes for it again.  Orton hits the RKO for the pin in 3:00.  At least it’s over.  Punk can’t have Nexus fight his battle for him at WrestleMania.  Orton stares at Punk for a while, then returns to the ring and punts Ryan, then humps the mat while glaring at Punk.  Punk backs away in fear.

Earlier tonight, Snooki/Vickie Guerrero stuff.  Commercials.

Saint Louis.

New Hall of Famer: Drew Carey.  Are you fucking serious?  I hate WWE.

Michael Cole decides he hasn’t been obnoxious enough tonight, so he’s obnoxious some more.

Cena vs. Del Rio tonight.

Trish Stratus and Snooki are walking backstage.  Zack Ryder hits on Snooki, who approves of his abs.  Commercials.

Snooki comes out.  She’s not nearly as obnoxious as that parody of her in TNA.  She says Trish Stratus will shut up Vickie Guerrero.  She leaves to sit at ringside.  Vickie comes out and is obnoxious.

No DQ Match: Vickie Guerrero vs. Trish Stratus.  Vickie does jumping jacks and football exercises.  Trish schoolgirls her for 2.  Dammit.  Trish pie faces Vickie.  Vickie bails and runs around the ring.  Trish chases her back in.  Vickie cackles and tries to use a shoe as a sword, then throws it.  Who throws a shoe, honestly?  Trish spanks Vickie with her own shoe.  Dolph Ziggler runs in.  John Morrison hits the ring and takes him out, then hits him with a dive.  Michelle McCool and Layla appear and attack Trish.  Michelle kicks Trish with the loaded boot.  Vickie covers and gets the pin while LayCool sit on her back in 2:27.  So Vickie has a job.  Fuck.  All of the obnoxious women are obnoxious together.  McCool talks shit to Snooki, who is very short.  McCool shoves Snooki.  Snooki pulls her down face first into the apron, then attacks Layla in the ring.  Trish stops McCool from making the save.  Vickie throws a fit.  The heels escape.  Ugh.  Vickie challenges Morrison, Trish, & Snooki to face Ziggler & LayCool at WrestleMania.  Snooki agrees.  Joy.

Cena vs. Del Rio is next.  Commercials.

Sin Cara vignette.

Video of Shawn Michaels talking about The Undertaker.

Justin Roberts introduces Ricardo Rodriguez to introduce Alberto Del Rio.

Alberto Del Rio (w/ Brodus Clay) vs. John Cena.  They lock up.  Del Rio takes Cena down with a side headlock.  Del Rio hits a shoulder block.  Cena makes a comeback.  Cole insists that The Rock is here.  Commercials 5 minutes into the overrun.  Del Rio lands a dropkick for 2.  Cena turns a headlock in a backdrop suplex.  Double clothesline spot.  They trade punches.  Cena makes his standard comeback and goes for the Attitude Adjustment.  Brodus Clay attacks Cena to cause the DQ in 7:19.  The Rock’s music plays, but it’s The Miz wearing a very believable skin cap.  Miz, Del Rio, and Clay beat down Cena.  Miz hits the Rock Bottom.  Okay, now I can see the outlines on the skin cap.  Del Rio gives Cena an enzuigiri.  Clay delivers a fall away slam.  Miz does The Rock’s corner pose, then takes off the stupid skin cap and goes outside to ram Cena’s back into the post.  Miz hits Cena with a microphone and talks shit to him.  Miz suplexes Cena on the stage, then picks him up.  Cena fights back and goes for the Attitude Adjustment.  Miz counters and DDTs Cena on the stage, then throws him into the set, then gives him the Skull Crushing Finale.

Parts of the show were passable, but mostly… just fucking ugh.

WWE Monday Night Raw 3/7/11

WWE open, recap of last week’s happenings.  Michael Cole and Josh Matthews are the announcers.  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

The Undertaker comes to the ring and talks about his match with Triple H at WrestleMania.  They show a very cool video package of the 2 Undertaker/Shawn Michaels WrestleMania match.  He wants the match at Mania to be No Holds Barred, because apparently someone is going to die.  He says Triple H will “rest in peace” at WrestleMania.

Tonight, John Cena talks shit about The Rock!  Stone Cold Steve Austin returns to Raw!

Randy Orton brawls with the three remaining members of the New Nexus backstage.  Nexus get the better of it since it’s 3-on-1.  Punk sends Orton’s head into a wall repeatedly, then delivers the Go 2 Sleep.  Punk orders Otunga and Ryan to drag Orton to the ring.  Commercials.

The New Nexus are beating down Randy Orton in the ring.  Referees come out to break it up.  Otunga wants his match with Orton.  Orton drags himself up and agrees.

Randy Orton vs. David Otunga.  Otunga beats on Orton.  Otunga hits a fancy elbow drop for 2.  Orton hits a body slam for 2.  Otunga hits a spinebuster for 2.  Orton hits the RKO out of nowhere for the pin 1:59.  Otunga is banned from ringside at WrestleMania too.  Mason Ryan attacks Orton and drops him with a big boot.  He picks Orton up and gets dropped with an RKO.  CM Punk tries to hit the ring, but Orton scares him away, then punts Otunga in the head, then humps the mat.

Tonight, Cole reveals his special guest referee for WrestleMania.  Commercials.

Slam of the Week: John Cena overpowering The Miz to defeat Alex Riley in a Steel Cage Match last week, then getting dropped with the Skull Crushing Finale.

Dallas!

The Miz is apparently boycotting Raw tonight.

Christian and Alberto Del Rio (w/ Brodus Clay and introduced by Ricardo Rodriguez) come out for a match.  I have know idea why this happening on Raw, since they’re both Smackdown guys.  Del Rio sends his NXT rookie Brodus Clay to wrestle Christian instead.

Christian vs. Brodus Clay (w/ Alberto Del Rio).  Clay is a big fat dude.  He shoves Christian down and steps on his back.  Clay blocks the Killswitch and drops Christian with a punch.  Christian tries to fight back and gets dropped with a headbutt.  Clay huts some elbow drops for 2.  Clay cranks on Christian’s previously injured arm, then hits a fall away slam.  Christian avoids a big splash and hits an ineffective missile dropkick.  A second missile dropkick drops Clay.  Cover gets 2.  Clay hits a lariat for 2.  Christian avoids a powerslam and hits a tornado DDT for the pin in 2:41.  Good little match.  I rather like this Brodus Clay fellow.  Del Rio immediately attacks Christian.  Christian fights back.  Del Rio hits the Minoru Special.

Replay of The Rock’s live via satellite promo from last week.  Cena responds tonight!

Also tonight, Stone Cold returns!  Commercials.

Sin Cara vignette.

Newest Hall of Fame inductee is… Sunny!

Divas title match next.  Commercials!

WWE Rewind: One of the Bellas won a Battle Royal last week.

WWE Divas Championship Match: Eve Torres (c) (w/ Gail Kim) vs. Nikki Bella (w/ Brie Bella).  They lock up.  Eve throws Nikki across the ring, then rams her face into the turnbuckle, then throws her around some more.  Cover gets 2.  Nikki beats up Eve and throws her around.  Cover gets 2.  Nikki works the hair, of course.  Michael Cole shouts for them to get this over with, and for once I agree with the turd.  Cole babbles on and on and says “I’m the main event” 7,000 times.  Eve hits a flash kick.  The Bellas pull the switcheroo.  The referee catches them.  Eve throws Nikki back in and hits a neckbreaker drop for the pin in 3:07 to mercifully end this.  Cole reveals his referee next.  Commercials.

Snooki from Jersey Shore will be here next week.  UGH.  WWE, if you’re going to rip off TNA, rip off SOMETHING THAT ISN’T COMPLETELY FUCKING HORRIBLE AND MAKES ME WANT TO PUT A BULLET IN MY FUCKING HEAD.

Last week, Jack Swagger fucked Lawler’s ankle up while Cole humped the mat in joy.

Michael Cole is in the ring being a cocksucker.  He has a contract of the referee to sign.  Cole spazzes out for a while, then talks about his referee.  He fakes like it’s going to be Steve Austin, then introduces John Bradshaw Layfield!  I fully expected something stupid like Alex Riley, but JBL is pretty cool.  JBL shit talks the crowd, then puts over Cole.  Stone Cold Steve Austin comes out.  JBL and Cole bitch at him.  Cole hides behind JBL, of course.  Austin stuns JBL.  Cole scampers out of the ring.  Austin drinks beer.  Cole all but cries on commentary.  Austin pours beer on JBL, then signs the contract to become the referee for Lawler/Cole at Mania.  By this point, I think Cole IS crying.  Austin shakes Cole’s hand, then pours beer on him.  Yay!  Austin sarcastically wishes Cole good luck.  JBL gets  up.  Austin gives him a beer, toasts him, then stuns him again.  Yay again!  Jack Swagger comes out to watch Cole throw a temper tantrum.  This segment was awesome.

Another replay of Rock’s promo from last week.  Tonight, Cena talks shit back.  Commercials.

Michael Cole whines to Jack Swagger backstage.  Swagger says he’ll break Austin’s ankle.  Cole goes to take a shower.

Jerry Lawler, having been missing all show for no apparent reason, comes out to join Matthews for commentary.  They show Austin signing the contract and pouring beer on Cole again.  That never gets old.

Non-Title: WWE United States Champion Daniel Bryan vs. King Sheamus.  They show Sheamus getting beaten up by Triple H and losing to Evan Bourne last week.  Sheamus attacks Bryan and stomps him down in the corner.  Sheamus hits the Polish Hammer for 2.  Bryan dropkicks Sheamus to the apron, then dropkicks him off the apron.  Sheamus sells a leg injury and gets counted out in 1:12.  Sheamus throws a fit.  Well this was lame.  Sheamus says he’ll end his losing streak next week.  He challenges Bryan to put up the title against Sheamus’ job.  Bryan accepts.

Up next, Shawn Michaels speaks SOME MORE about Undertaker/Triple H.  Commercials.

CM Punk (w/ Mason Ryan) vs. R-Truth.  Truth gets a schoolboy for 2.  Punk throws Truth into 3 posts.  Truth tries to fight back, but Punk stomps him down.  Punk hits a snapmare for 2, then works Truth’s shoulder.  Truth makes his comeback.  Punk goes for the Go 2 Sleep, but Truth counters and hits a jumping kick for 2.  Punk pulls Truth’s arm across the top rope, then takes him down, pounds the shoulder, and locks in the Anaconda Vice for the submission in 2:32.  Ryan gives Truth a powerslam afer the match.

More video of Shawn Michaels talking about the Undertaker/Triple H WrestleMania match.

Vickie Guerrero comes out.  Joy.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Snooki next week.  Kill me now.

Vickie Guerrero is in the ring being obnoxious.  She introduces Dolph Ziggler, who has been signed to Raw.

Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. John Morrison.  Vickie on commentary.  Ugh.  They lock up.  Ziggler gets a headlock and a shoulder block.  Morrison goes for a leap frog, but Ziggler dropkicks his knee.  Commercials.  Ziggler works a headlock.  Morrison avoids Ziggler in the corner and makes his comeback.  Morrison hits the Moonlight Drive for 2, as Ziggler gets a foot on the rope.  Ziggler rakes Morrison’s face and hits the Zig Zag for the pin in 5:33.  The less than half they showed of it was fine.  Vickie gets in the ring to celebrate.  iBooker dings in.  Lawler reads that Ziggler has been hired, but Vickie hasn’t.  Vickie will have to win her match next week against… Trish Stratus.  Security comes out to take Vickie out.  She’s pissed that Dolph doesn’t help her.

Another replay of Rock’s promo.  Cena responds next.  Commercials.

Dallas.

Yet another Rock reply.

John Cena comes out, talks for a bit, then raps about The Rock not actually showing up to do his shit talking.  He reveals a parody of The Rock’s shirt that says “I bring it via satellite.”  WWE Champion The Miz appears and clocks Cena with the title belt.  Twice.  Miz cuts a promo on Cena, then stares at the camera to talk shit to The Rock.  Miz gives Cena the Skull Crushing Finale, then the People’s Elbow.

Besides the Christian match and the Austin segment, I pretty much hated this show.

WWE Monday Night Raw 2/28/11

WWE open.  Josh Matthews and Jerry Lawler are the announcers.  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

Triple H comes out to the ring.  Ugh.  He talks about the Undertaker for a while.  He says the only thing he hasn’t done is end the streak.  He says “there can be only one,” so I assume he’s going to try to behead Taker with a sword at WrestleMania.  He promises to end the streak or die trying.  Sheamus comes out.  Triple H immediately decks him, throws him out of the ring, into the barricade, and beats the shit out of him.  Triple H Pedigrees Sheamus through the announce table, so I guess that concludes the whole “Sheamus put Triple H out of action for nearly a year” feud.

Tonight, Shawn Michaels speaks on Triple H/Undertaker!  Michael Cole answers Lawler’s WrestleMania challenge!  The Rock appears via satellite!  Commercials.

WWE.com plug.

Moments ago, ^^ happened.

Sheamus is being helped out by referees.  The iBooker dings in.  Lawler finally gets his chance to read its decree, which is that Sheamus still has a match tonight.  His opponent is the returning Evan Bourne!

Sheamus vs. Evan Bourne.  Bourne dropkicks Sheamus and puts the boots to him in the corner.  Sheamus tries to fight back, but Bourne drops him with a kick and hits the Shooting Star press for the pin in 36 seconds.  Bourne is BACK!  Michael Cole comes out.  Commercials.

WWE Rewind: Jerry Lawler’s challenge to Michael Cole last week.

Michael Cole calls Jerry Lawler into the ring, reminding Lawler that he’ll be fired if he gives Cole the ass whooping he so desperately needs.  He says he’ll face Lawler at WrestleMania if his trainer can be in his corner and if he gets to choose the referee.  Lawler happily agrees.  Cole spazzes out, then introduces his trainer: Jack Swagger.  Cole shoves and slaps Lawler, now that he has someone to hide behind.  Swagger locks Lawler in the ankle lock.

Tonight, The Rock via satellite!

Randy Orton is headed our way!  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Stone Cold Steve Austin will be here next week!

Cole takes Lawler’s place on commentary.  Ugh.  They replay the cowardly attack on from moments ago.

Randy Orton comes out.  He says his only regret is that he didn’t kick Punk harder in the head.  He promises to snap his neck next time.  The New Nexus come out.  Punk apparently plans to murder Orton.  Nexus head to the ring.  iBooker dings in.  Cole delegates that duty to Matthews, who books Orton vs. Punk for WrestleMania.  Orton will face members of The New Nexus over the next few weeks.  The members that Orton beats will be banned from ringside.  Other Nexus members will be banned from ringside during these matches, on pain of being disbanded.

Randy Orton vs. Michael McGillicutty.  They lock up.  McGillicutty backs Orton into the corner and beats on him.  Orton retaliates in kind.  McGillicutty avoids a knee drop.  Orton clotheslines him to the floor.  Commercials.  Orton beats up McGillicutty.  McGillicutty lands a dropkick for 2.  McGillicutty beats on Orton for a bit.  Orton makes his comeback with the powerslam, the 3.0, and the DDT OF MURDER.  Orton humps the mat and hits the RKO for the pin in 7:17.  They spent more time at commercials than on the match.  Orton sets him up for the punt of doom.  Punk tells him not to.  Orton does it anyway, but it doesn’t look like he made contact.  Orton runs out through the crowd to escape retribution from the New Nexus.

Sin Cara, the former Mistico, is coming to WWE!

WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley are headed our way.  Commercials.

Slam of the Week: The Miz turning on John Cena and causing them to lose the WWE Tag Team Championship to The Corre last week.

WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley come out.  Miz cuts a promo on John Cena and The Rock.  He says he’ll beat Cena and The Rock on the same night at WrestleMania.  John Cena comes out and makes some really stupid jokes about Miz being OCD.  Riley makes some toilet jokes.  Cena says Riley is the reason nobody takes Miz seriously, and Miz should fire him.  Miz doesn’t buy it, so Cena makes gay jokes.  Cena wants a match with Riley tonight, with Riley no longer being Miz’s bitch boy if he loses.  Miz agrees, with the stipulation that Cena has to admit Miz is the greatest superstar of all time if he loses.  iBooker dings in and Cole announcers that it’s an escape only Steel Cage Match.

Tonight, The Rock.  Commercials.

Tonight, Shawn Michaels speaks on Undertaker/Triple H!

WWE Divas Champions Eve Torres has joined the commentary team for a horrible Battle Royal.

Battle Royal to determine the #1 Contender for the WWE Divas Championship featuring Nikki Bella, Brie Bella, Natalya, Gail Kim, Tamina, Maryse, Alicia Fox, and Melina.  Natalya immediately dumps one of the Bellas.  Fox and Tamina get eliminated in quick succession.  Melina and Natalya fight on the apron.  Maryse sends them both to the floor.  Gail hits the Regal Cutter on the remaining Bella.  Maryse drops Gail, then poses and goes for the DDT.  Gail counters and throws her out.  Gail throws out the Bella while the referee is out.  The other Bella sneaks in and throws Gail out for the win in 2:03.  Bellas beat up Eve after the match.  There ya go.

Buffalo!

The Rock on video next!  Commercials.

Last week, Cena rapped on The Rock!

The Rock appears appears live via satellite in his belt room and makes fun of John Cena, then bitches about Cena rapping at him.  He talks about loving WWE.  He claims he went Hollywood to open those doors for WWE.  He goes on for a while about whatever and calls Cena a “yabba dabba bitch.”  That took long enough.

Tonight, Cena vs. Riley in a cage.  Next, Shawn Michaels speaks on Undertaker/Triple H.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Shawn Michaels talks about the Undertaker/Triple H WrestleMania match.

WWE United States Champion Daniel Bryan comes out.  The Miz appears and jumps him in the aisle, just because he’s an asshole.  Miz beats the hell out of Bryan and gives him the Skull Crushing Finale on the floor.  Well, thanks for ruining the first thing on this show that got me excited.  Miz says he did that because it’s the Miz Show (and because he’s a cocksucker is implied).  The cage match is next.  Commercials.

Stone Cold!  Next week!

The Miz has joined Cole and Matthews for commentary, presumably so Cole can suck his cock during the match.

Steel Cage Match: Alex Riley vs. John Cena.  Riley immediately tries to escape.  Cena kicks his ass for a while.  Cena goes to leave the cage, but Miz runs over to hold the door closed, then slams it into Cena.  Riley beats on Cena.  Miz takes a picture of Cena’s face being ground into the cage with his phone.  He hands Riley his Blackberry and Riley hits Cena with it.  Why?  Cole is obnoxious.  Riley tries to leave the cage.  Cena grabs his leg.  Miz tries to pull Riley out the door, so they’re essentially playing tug of war.  Cena wins and locks in the STF.  Riley taps, but it’s escape only, so the referee in the cage is pretty pointless.  Cena tries to go over the top of the cage.  Miz holds him at bay with a steel chair.  Riley finally wakes up and cuts Cena off.  Commercials.  Now?  Really?  They’re 2 minutes into the overrun.  Riley hits a dropkick on Cena.  Cena avoids a second dropkick and makes his comeback.  Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment.  Riley grabs on and tries to climb out of the cage.  They fight on the top rope.  Riley sends Cena into the cage and falling to the floor.  Instead of easily escaping, Riley fucks around too long.  Cena climbs up and brings him down.  They fight on the top rope again.  Cena hits a bulldog off the top rope.  Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment, then takes a picture of Riley with Miz’s phone.  Miz tries to stop Cena from leaving the cage.  Cena uses his retard strength to open the door and wins it in 12:44.  Miz immediately hits Cena with the Skull Crushing Finale, but he’s lost his manservant.

Pretty lame show.

WWE Superstars 2/24/11

Superstars open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Tonight, Daniel Bryan takes on Ted Dibiase Jr.!  Jack Korpela and Matt Striker are the first announcers.  Tony Chimel is the first ring announcer.

Non-Title: WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater of The Corre vs. JTG & Trent Barreta.  JTG and Barreta beat up Gabriel a bit.  Slater tags in and gets the advantage.  The Corre cut off Barreta and get the heat on him.  JTG gets the hot tag and runs wild on Slater.  JTG hits the Mugshot.  Gabriel saves.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Gabriel kicks JTG from the outside.  Slater hits a reverse DDT for the pin in 4:08.  It was fine.

2/21/11 will be revealed tonight… again…

Tyler Reks vs. Chris Masters.  Jobber entrance for Masters, even though he beat Reks last week.  They brawl.  Reks gets the advantage and puts a beating on Masters.  Front suplex gets 2.  Reks applies a half crab.  Masters gets a rope break, then counters a suplex into an inside cradle for 2.  Masters hits a Samoan Drop and makes his comeback.  Reks kicks him in the head.  Masters counters a neckbreaker and hits a spinebuster for 2.  Reks goes for a superplex.  Masters fights him off and hits a diving shoulder block.  Masters locks in the Master Lock to win it 2 weeks in a row in 3:27.  Fine little match.

Tonight, Bryan vs. Dibiase!

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Scott Stanford and Josh Matthews are now the announcers.  Justin Roberts is now the ring announcer.

Santino Marella (w/ Tamina) vs. Tyson Kidd.  They fuck around a bit.  Kidd hides in the ropes to protect himself from the Cobra.  Santino hits a shoulder block, then poses.  Kidd grabs a headlock.  Santino leap frogs him, then trips him on the drop down.  Santino cranks on Kidd’s arm.  Kidd gets pissed at this silliness and beats up Santino.  Santino gets a reverse cradle for 2.  Santino hits his face on the turnbuckle when he’s kicked off.  Kidd avoids some wild punches and lands a forearm smash.  Kidd slaps Santino’s head a bunch.  Santino hulks up and makes his comeback.  Kidd hits a dropkick to the side of Santino’s head for 2.  Santino avoids the Superstar Elbow and hits the Cobra for the pin in 4:04.  This was silly.

2/21/11 revealed again next.

They waste 10 minutes replaying the Undertaker/Triple H segment from Raw.

The main event is NEXT!

They show Maryse blowing off Dibiase and kissing Yoshi Tatsu during the stupid kiss cam thing on Raw last week.

Non-Title: WWE United States Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Ted Dibiase Jr. (w/ Maryse).  They work a Greco-Roman knuckle lock and trade blows.  Bryan lands a flurry of kicks, then a shoulder block and a dropkick.  Bryan lands another kick for 2.  Dibiase beats on Bryan in the corner.  Bryan hits another dropkick for 2.  Bryan rocks a surfboard hold.  Dibiase breaks free.  Bryan lands on his feet from a backdrop suplex, then does a 360 bump for a clothesline.  Insta-commercials.  Bryan fights out of a rest hold.  Dibiase hits a backbreaker and a dropkick for 2.  Dibiase keeps the heat going.  Elbow smash gets 2.  Dibiase chokes Bryan in the corner with his boot.  Bryan back flips over Dibiase and makes his comeback.  Bryan hits a corner dropkick for 2.  Bryan counters the Dream Street into the Bret/Piper WrestleMania VIII pin (which I LOVE) for 2.  Bryan sends Dibiase outside and lands a tope suicida.  Back inside, Dibiase avoids a missile dropkick and goes for the Dream Street.  He can get it, but hits a half nelson suplex instead!  Cover gets 2.  Yoshi Tatsu comes out in a suit and presents Maryse with flowers, which distracts Dibiase.  Maryse declines Yoshi’s request for another kiss and slaps Dibiase with the flowers.  Bryan locks in the LeBell Lock for the win (7:30 shown).  Fine little match.

Pretty mediocre show with a fun main event.

WWE Monday Night Raw 2/14/11

WWE open, pyro and ballyhoo.  We are LIVE from Anaheim, California!  Tonight, we’ll find out who’s going to host WrestleMania XXVII!  Randy Orton vs. Sheamus!  John Morrison vs. R-Truth!  John Cena vs. CM Punk, there must be a winner!  Michael Cole and Josh Matthews are the announcers.  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

John Cena comes out and talks for a while about who might be the WrestleMania host, then makes fun of Michael Cole.  He starts to talk about The Nexus, but CM Punk comes out to interrupt.  They banter, and now it’s match time.

John Cena vs. CM Punk.  Cena wins the lock up and peppers Punk with body shots.  Cena charges the corner, but Punk avoids it and Cena hits the turnbuckles, then rolls out of the ring.  Punk hits a diving lariat off the apron.  Commercials.  Punk knees Cena in the face for 2.  Punk hits a snap suplex for 2.  Punk boots Cena and gets a jackknife hold for 2.  Punk applies a body scissors.  Cena fights out and goes for the STF, but Punk gets the ropes.  Punk puts a beating on Cena.  Cena makes his comeback.  Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Punk counters and hits a dropkick for 2.  Punk applies a headscissors.  Cena escapes and hits a gutwrench suplex for 2.  Cena goes up top, but Punk drops him with a kick.  Punk hits the running knee.  Cena counters the bulldog, hit a drop toe hold, and goes for the STF.  Punk counters and hits a swinging neckbreaker for 2.  Punk goes for the Go 2 Sleep.  Cena counters into a schoolboy for 2.  Punk drops Cena with a high kick for 2.  Punk goes for a cross body.  Cena catches him and goes for the Attitude Adjustment.  Punk fights it and ends up taking a bump out of the ring.  A Nexus member hands Punk a chair from under the ring.  Punk throws the chair in the ring and the referee turns to get rid of it.  The Nexus member hands Punk a wrench, with which he hits Cena in the face.  Punk hits the Go 2 Sleep for the pin in 10:37.  Pretty good match.

Cole explains that Jerry Lawler isn’t here because his mother passed away.  Our best to the King.

Who’s the host going to be?  Commercials!

Slam of the Week: Alberto Del Rio’s attack on Edge’s arm 2 weeks ago.

Justin Roberts introduces Ricardo Rodriguez to introduce Alberto Del Rio.  Del Rio cuts his usual promo about destiny.  World Heavyweight Champion Edge interrupts.  He talks for a bit, then kicks Del Rio’s ass.  He goes for the spear, but Ricardo distracts him and gets decked.  Edge bumps Del Rio off the apron into the barricade.  Vickie Guerrero comes out and screeches.  She introduces Dolph Ziggler as the new World Heavyweight Champion, presumably since Edge used the dreaded illegal running hug of doom on Smackdown.  She says Ziggler will be coronated on Smackdown.  This is fucking stupid.  She says he has proof that Edge took out Teddy Long, then cackles.  Again, this is fucking stupid.

Eve vs. Natalya is next.  Commercials.

Tonight, WrestleMania host.  Plus, The Miz vs. Daniel Bryan.  I’m so pissed at the stupidity in the last segment that I’m not even excited.

The Divas title match is a lumberjill match for some reason.  The Bella Twins, Tamina, Gail Kim, Maryse, Melina, and Alicia Fox are at ringside.

Lumberjill Match for the WWE Divas Championship: Eve Torres (c) vs. Natalya.  They lock up and do a bit of chain wrestling.  They both throw dropkicks, then slap hands and do some more stuff.  Natalya rocks a surfboard.  Eve manages to turn it into a cradle for 2.  Natalya grabs a headlock.  Eve hits a flip splash for 2.  Natalya hits a discus lariat.  Eve throws Natalya out of the ring.  The Bellas attack her.  Fight breaks out with all the women at ringside.  Eve hits a cross body into a pile of them.  Maryse looks hurt.  Cole is laughing.  Back inside, Eve and Natalya conk heads.  Natalya goes for a la magistral, but Eve counters and gets the pin in 3:37.  They tried, but this sucked.  They shake hands.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Rev Theory is in the front row.

The Bella Twins talk shit to Eve backstage, the jump her.  Gail Kim and Natalya make the save.  Referees try to break it up.

Chaperone trailer.  Ugh.

Mark Henry comes out.  Sheamus jumps him in the aisle and drops him with the brogue kick.  Sheamus says that’s a message for the “fellas” in the Elimination Chamber.  Henry makes it up and Sheamus gives him another brogue kick.

WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley are headed our way.  Miz shoves down some geek backstage.  Commercials.

WWE Rewind: The Miz & Ted Dibiase Jr. vs. Jerry Lawler & Daniel Bryan from last week.

Non-Title: WWE Champion The Miz (w/ Alex Riley) vs. WWE United States Champion Daniel Bryan.  Riley joins Cole and Matthews for commentary.  They lock up.  Miz gets the obligatory headlock and shoulder block, then talks shit.  They lock up again.  Bryan hits some arm drags and the leap frog, drop down, dropkick.  Miz boots Bryan in the face and puts the boots to him.  Miz applies a camel clutch.  Bryan fights out and locks in a rear naked choke.  Miz gets the ropes.  Bryan kicks the crap out of him.  Miz hits an elbow smash for 2.  Miz applies a rear chin lock.  Bryan fights out.  They trade punches.  Cole ridiculously compares Miz to the Crusher.  Bryan gets rolling.  A dropkick to the corner gets 2.  Bryan back body drops Miz to the floor and goes for a dive.  Miz avoids it.  Bryan hits a flying knee off the apron.  Back inside, Bryan goes up top and hits a missile dropkick for 2.  Bryan goes for the LeBell Lock, but Miz is in the ropes.  Miz connects with a knee lift and a neckbreaker on the apron!  Commercials.  Miz goes for a superplex, but Bryan counters and hits a sunset flip powerbomb for 2.  Bryan lands some vicious kicks.  Miz gets a schoolboy for 2.  Miz gets an inside cradle for 2.  Miz hits the backbreaker and goes for the neckbreaker, but Bryan counters into a German suplex.  Bryan lands a head kick for 2.  Miz counters the LeBell Lock and eats an elbow.  Bryan goes for something, but Miz faceplants him.  Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale for the pin in 11:57.  Awesome match.  My mood has improved.  Miz cuts a promo after the match.

Who will host Mania?!  Commercials.

WWE.com plug.

David Otunga & Michael McGillicutty of the New Nexus (w/ Mason Ryan) vs. John Morrison & R-Truth.  This was supposed to be Morrison vs. Truth, but iBooker changed it.  Truth jumps around with McGillicutty.  Ryan trips Truth.  McGillicutty sends Truth outside.  Ryan gets in his cheap shot.  McGillicutty rams Truth’s back into the apron.  Back inside, cover gets 2.  Otunga tags in and keeps the heat going on Truth.  Otunga hits a suplex for 2, then applies a rear chin lock.  Truth hits a backdrop suplex and makes the hot tag.  Morrison runs wild and stomps the shit out of Otunga and McGillicutty, then kicks Mason Ryan and hip tosses Truth out of the ring onto him.  Morrison hits McGillicutty with the running knee strike for the pin in 4:16.  There ya go.  Morrison and Truth brawl with Ryan after the match and send him out of the ring.

Plug for Chris Jericho’s new book, which I just started reading.

Anaheim!

Tonight, Orton vs. Sheamus!  Commercials!

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Justin Roberts introduces Ariel Winter, who plays Triple H’s daughter in that shitty movie.  She screeches for a while.  Great Khali and Ranjin Singh come out for the stupid Kiss Cam.  The cam is going backstage too.  Fans kiss.  Santino Marella and Tamina kiss.  Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler kiss.  More fans kiss.  Maryse refuses to kiss Ted Dibiase Jr. and kisses Yoshi Tatsu instead.  William Regal kisses Zack Ryder on the cheek.  More fans.  Hornswoggle sneaks in the ring and gives Ariel a box of chocolates.  She kisses him on the cheek.  Hornswoggle celebrates.

Who’s going to host Mania?

Randy Orton is headed our way!  Commercials!

2/21/11!  Hey, that’s next week!  Something’s gonna happen!

King Sheamus vs. Randy Orton.  They start with a very aggressive lock up, then brawl for a while.  Sheamus gets the advantage and puts a beating on Orton.  Sheamus hits a slingshot shoulder block for 2.  Sheamus works Orton’s shoulder.  Orton fights back and gets rolling with clotheslines and a powerslam.  Sheamus hits the Irish Curse for 2.  Sheamus hits a superplex.  Orton hits the RKO out of nowhere for the pin in 5:04.  Well that was abrupt.  The New Nexus jump Orton.  John Morrison, R-Truth, and John Cena make the save.  Orton RKOs Otunga and McGillicutty.  Orton and Cena clothesline Ryan out of the ring.  Punk goes for the Go 2 Sleep on Orton, but fails.  Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment on Punk.

A limo arrives.  A woman gets out.  The Mania host will be revealed next!

The host of WrestleMania XXVII is… they do a really big, dramatic build up with the lights going out and shit.  IT’S THE ROCK!  Finally, The Rock has come back to Anaheim!  To Monday Night Raw!  Home!  He lists off his various nicknames.  He says he’s back for the fans and he’s never going away again.  He makes jokes about Justin Bieber.  He talks a little shit about The Miz.  The iBooker dings in.  Rock tells Cole to sit down and STFU just like old times.  Rock plugs his Facebook page and threatens to stick the iBooker laptop up Cole’s candy ass.  Rock talks A LOT of shit about John Cena, having taken offense to comments Cena made about Rock in the past.  He says “ass” a lot, so apparently he didn’t get the PG memo.  He finishes with the “If ya smell what The Rock is cookin’.”  Rock poses while his music plays as the show closes.

Some parts of this show really sucked, and some were really good.  I’m still pissed about the retarded way Ziggler got the title, but the Miz/Bryan match and the Rock stuff were pretty great.

WWE Monday Night Raw 2/7/11

WWE open, Raw open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are our announcers LIVE from Milwaukee.  Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

Vince McMahon comes out to the stage.  He congratulates Wisconsin on their SuperBowl win, then talks about WrestleMania.  He says that next week, the guest host of WrestleMania will be introduced.

Randy Orton comes out.  They show him punting Husky Harris in the head last week.  He tells CM Punk that they’re not done yet.  Punk comes out to retort.  He shows the Legacy attack and Orton head punt that cost Punk the World Heavyweight Championship at Unforgiven 2008.  Holy shit!  2 1/2 years of continuity in a WWE storyline!  Punk has a better memory than the WWE writers.  Punk and the rest of the remaining New Nexus head to the ring.  David Otunga, Michael McGillicutty, and Mason Ryan jump Orton.  Orton fights back, but is overcome by numbers.  Punk gets a bloody nose in the process.  Orton kicks Punk in the face despite behind held back.  They eventually beat him down.  Punk delivers the Go 2 Sleep.  Commercials.

Moments ago, ^ happened.

During the break, Cole got an email from the iBooker announcing a series of matches between the New Nexus and Elimination Chamber participants, ending in Punk vs. Cena.

Mason Ryan vs. R-Truth.  Truth gets booed for greeting Green Bay when they’re in Milwaukee.  Cole throws a fit.  Crowd chants “MILWAUKEE!”  Idiot Cole leads the chant.  Ryan throws Truth around.  Truth injures his knee.  Ryan attacks it, slamming Truth and causing his knee to hit the ropes.  Ryan keeps the heat going.  Ryan applies a modified stretch muffler thing for the submission win in 2:27.  It was there.  Ryan attacks Truth’s knee again after the match.  The crowd is still chanting “MILWAUKEE!”  The referee reverses the decision, so Truth wins by DQ.  Ryan doesn’t care.

Tonight, Cena vs. Punk!  Also, something with The Miz and Lawler.  Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Backstage, CM Punk pretends to be mad at Mason Ryan, but then tells him “well done.”  He tells McGillicutty and Otunga to injure their opponents tonight too.  Otunga is scared because he has to face Sheamus.

Natalya has joined Cole and Lawler at the table.  She’s getting her rematch against Eve next week.

WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres, Gail Kim, & Tamina vs. Melina & The Bella Twins.  Bellas beat up Gail.  Melina tags in and takes her turn.  Gail clotheslines Melina and makes the tag to Eve.  Eve runs wild on Melina and hits a standing moonsault.  Bellas save.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Eve hits a sweet neckbreaker drop on Melina for the pin in 2:23.  There ya go.  Tamina wasn’t trusted to do anything after that awful match on Superstars last week.

2/21/11!  Commercials!

Milwaukee!

Some Packers player celebrated his SuperBowl win with a WWE replica belt.

Elimination Chamber hype video.

John Morrison is in action NEXT!  Commercials.

John Morrison vs. Michael McGillicutty.  Morrison lands some punches.  McGillicutty drops him with an enzui lariat and beats on him.  McGillicutty pulls Morrison’s shoulder into the post, then beats on it.  McGillicutty dropkicks the steps like a fucking idiot.  There was no way he was going to hit Morrison with that.  Morrison makes his comeback.  Morrison hits the Flying Chuck and the Starship Pain for the pin in 2:31.  This was nothing.  The dropkick to the steps spot was fucking stupid.  CM Punk appears on the stage, sprays something into Morrison’s eyes, and kicks him in the head.  Commercials.

WWE Rewind: Last week, Jerry Lawler won the Raw Rumble!

WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley come out.  They show Punk’s attack on Morrison again.  Miz cuts a promo.  He invites Lawler into the ring and tells Riley to get out of the ring.  They banter.  Miz says he patterned his career after Lawler’s.  Lawler makes fun of Miz’s haircut.  He says he didn’t pattern his career after anyone, he’s an original.  Miz says Lawler is a cheapshot artist.  They show Lawler decking Ted Dibiase Jr. last week.  Miz calls it a sucker punch.  Lawler calls Miz a sucker.  Lawler says he’ll finally become WWE Champion and get his chance to compete at WrestleMania.  Lawler gets the crowd to chant “awful” at Miz.  Miz goes for a cheap shot, but Lawler decks him.  Riley tries to jump Lawler.  Lawler decks him too, then throws him out of the ring and decks Miz again.  Lawler pounds and stomps on Miz.  Ted Dibiase Jr. appears and jumps Lawler.  DANIEL BRYAN makes the save!  iBooker dings in and makes a tag match!

WWE Champion The Miz (w/ Alex Riley) & Ted Dibiase Jr. vs. Jerry “The King” Lawler & WWE United States Champion Daniel Bryan.  Riley joins Cole on commentary.  Dibiase beats up Bryan.  Bryan catches him with a knee lift and kicks the crap out of him.  Cover gets 2.  Bryan hits a running dropkick for 2.  Lawler tags in and beats up Dibiase.  Miz tags in.  Lawler hip tosses and slams him.  Miz begs off, then throws Lawler out of the ring.  Commercials.  Miz has Lawler in a rear chin lock.  Lawler escapes.  Maryse has appeared at ringside.  Bryan tags in and looks awesome against Miz.  Bryan goes up top, but Dibiase crotches him.  Miz hits the corner clothesline for 2.  Dibiase tags in and beats up Bryan.  Miz tags in and charges into a dropkick from Bryan.  Lawler and Dibiase tag in.  Lawler runs wild and hits a DDT for 2, as Miz saves.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Bryan takes out Miz with a missile dropkick and a tope suicida.  Lawler avoids Dibiase in the corner and Dibiase charges into the post.  Lawler hits the diving fist drop for the pin in 9:06.  Fun match.

Tonight, Punk vs. Cena!  Commercials.

WWE.com plug.

Lawler and Cole bicker at the table.

King Sheamus comes out for his match.  Josh Matthews comes out and tells him that Mark Henry was talking shit about him, saying he doesn’t deserve to be in the Elimination Chamber.  Sheamus talks shit about Henry in return.  David Otunga comes out for the match.  Mark Henry comes out and brawls with Sheamus.  Otunga tries to sneak in and gets decked by Sheamus.  Henry avoids the brogue kick and hits the World’s Strongest Slam.  Twice.  Otunga stands over Sheamus like he actually did something.  New Nexus watches this on TV, pleased.

Ricardo Rodriguez introduces Alberto Del Rio.  He’ll be in action NEXT!  Commercials.

Alberto Del Rio cuts a promo on Santino Marella, who was, believe it or not, the runner up in the Royal Rumble Match.  Santino hits the ring fighting and throws Del Rio over the top rope 8 days too late.

Alberto Del Rio vs. WWE Tag Team Champion Santino Marella.  Marella throws Del Rio out of the ring again.  Back inside, Del Rio gets the jump on him and throws his shoulder into the post.  Del Rio hits a backdrop suplex for 2.  Del Rio works Santino’s arm.  Santino ducks an enzuigiri and makes his comeback.  Santino goes for the Cobra.  Del Rio ducks and hits a Codebreaker to the arm.  Del Rio hits the Minoru Special for the win in 2:58.  Fun times.

Recap of the New Nexus fucking people up tonight.

John Cena is headed our way!  The main event is NEXT!  Commercials!

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Hype for this week’s Smackdown, with Edge vs. Dolph Ziggler for the World title with Vickie Guerrero as the referee.

Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler come out.  Vickie screeches at me for a while.  John Cena thankfully interrupts.  I don’t care about what he says either, but at least it’s not Vickie talking.  There are some football references.  Vickie and Dolph leave.  Cena cuts a promo about the New Nexus.  He promises to kick their elimination chambers.  Funny.  Commercials.

2/21/11!

John Cena vs. CM Punk.  They lock up.  Punk beats on Cena.  Punk actually throws a Mongolian chop, which makes me smile.  Cena avoids the running knee to the corner and fights back.  Cena hits a bulldog.  Punk lands some kicks and sends Cena outside.  Punk hits a diving lariat off the apron.  Back inside, Punk hits the running knee and the bulldog headlock.  Punk goes for the Go 2 Sleep.  Cena counters and punches Punk a bunch.  Cena blatantly punches Punk in the balls and gets DQ’d in 4:52.  New Nexus hit the ring.  Jerry Lawler hands Cena a chair.  Cena cleans house and stands tall as the show ends.

Fun show.

WWE Monday Night Raw 1/31/11

WWE open, Raw open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are the announcers.  Tonight, Edge vs. Miz again!  This time, there MUST be a winner.  Justin Robers is the ring announcer.

Ricardo Rodriguez brings out a mariachi band.  He introduces the WINNER of the 2011 Royal Rumble, Alberto Del Rio!  There’s a big celebration in the ring.  Del Rio cuts a promo.  He teases that he’ll announce which champion he’s going to challenge at WrestleMania.  WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley come out.  He congratulates Del Rio on his victory.  He tries to manipulate Del Rio into facing Edge at WrestleMania instead of him by telling him Edge was talking shit about him like this is 10th grade.  Del Rio isn’t buying it.  World Heavyweight Champion Edge comes out and tells Del Rio how he doesn’t like him.  Del Rio says he’s coming for the World title at Mania.  Edge decks him.  Miz, Riley, and the mariachis leave.  Del Rio decks Edge and gives him the ol’ el kabong with a guitar.  Del Rio locks Edge in a cross armbreaker.  Del Rio poses with the belt.  Good segment.

Up next, Santino & Kozlov against McGillicutty & Harris for the Tag titles!  Commercials.

Providence!

Moments ago, ^^^ happened!

The iBooker dings in.  Cole announces a 7-man Raw Rumble for a WWE title shot at Elimination Chamber, with the six losers being the competitors in the Raw Elimination Chamber Match.  The participants are Randy Orton, CM Punk, John Morrison, R-Truth, Sheamus, Jerry Lawler, and John Cena.

WWE Tag Team Title Match: Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov (c) (w/ Tamina) vs. Michael McGillicutty & Husky Harris of The New Nexus.  2011 Royal Rumble runner-up Santino locks up with McGillicutty.  McGillicutty beats down Santino in the corner.  Santino avoids a charge in the corner and tags in Kozlov.  Kozlov beats up McGillicutty.  McGillcutty cuts him off and tags in Harris.  Kozlov takes him down and tags in Santino.  Harris cuts Santino off and attacks him with his large body.  Nexus get the heat on Santino.  McGillicutty throws Santino out of the ring.  Commercials.  Nexus continue working over Santino.  Kozlov headbutts McGillicutty from the apron.  Santino hits an arm drag.  Harris and Kozlov tag in.  Kozlov runs wild.  Santino tags back in, disposes of McGillicutty, and hits Harris with the Cobra for the pin in 8:10.  Well, there ya go.

Randy Orton comes out and drops both Nexus members with RKOs, then warms up to give Harris the PUNT OF DOOM.  CM Punk, David Otunga, and Mason Ryan come out.  Punk tells Orton not to do it, promising repercussions.  Orton does it anyway.  The rest of Nexus rush the ring.  Orton escapes through the crowd.  Commercials.

Moments ago, Randy Orton killed Husky Harris!

Ted Dibiase Jr. and Maryse come out.  Dibiase asks Lawler to give him his spot in the Raw Rumble.  Cole says Lawler won’t do it because he’s selfish.  Lawler says he’s never competed at WrestleMania, and his road to WrestleMania starts tonight.  He says he would already be WWE Champion of Cole hadn’t screwed things up.  Dibiase cheap shots Lawler.  Lawler goes to kick Dibiase’s ass, but he hides behind Maryse.  Maryse is like “WTF?” and slaps him.  Maryse leaves.  Lawler decks Dibiase.  I can’t wait for him to deck Cole too.

Tonight, Edge vs. Miz!  Plus a Raw Rumble Match!  Commercials.

2/21/11.  Something is going to happen.

The Bella Twins have joined Cole and Lawler for commentary.

Non-Title: WWE United States Champion Daniel Bryan (w/ Gail Kim) vs. Tyson Kidd.  No entrances.  They lock up and do some awesome chain wrestling.  After some pimp chain wrestling, Bryan kicks the crap out of Kidd.  Kidd goes for the Sharpshooter.  Bryan counters and locks in the LeBell Lock for the win in 1:49.  Good while it lasted.  Bryan and Gail hug.  The Bellas get in the ring and start shit.  A CAT FIGHT erupts.  Bryan and referees break it up.

Miz vs. Edge is NEXT!  Commercials.

Slam of the Week: Miz eliminating John Cena from last night’s Royal Rumble.

Non-Title: WWE Champion The Miz (w/ Alex Riley) vs. World Heavyweight Champion Edge.  No entrances, but we get in-ring intros.  They lock up, break, lock up again.  Edge puts the boots to Miz in the corner.  Riley pulls Miz out of the ring.  Miz pulls Edge’s injured arm across the top rope, then sends his injured shoulder into the steps.  Back inside, cover gets 2.  Miz goes to work on Edge’s arm.  Miz hits an arm stunner for 2.  Riley gets in a cheap shot behind the referee’s back.  Miz keeps the arm torture going.  Edge rallies and gets a sunset flip for 2.  Miz hits an armbreaker for 2.  Edge rallies and hits his face plant thing for 2 while Lawler and Cole talk about Toby Keith songs.  Edge hits an O’Connor Roll out of the corner for 2.  Miz drops Edge for a 2 count of his own.  Miz goes up top.  Edge catches him with a boot and hits the Edgecution for 2.  Edge goes for the spear.  Miz side steps it and sends Edge into corner.  John Cena appears in the crowd to taunt Miz.  Edge hits the spear for the pin in 8:53.  Fine little match.  Cole goes to check on his lover, Miz.

Tonight, Raw Rumble Match!  Commercials!

Lawler and Cole announce that Stone Cold Steve Austin will host the new Tough Enough.

Vickie Guerrero comes out to be obnoxious.  She says that Edge will defend the World title on Smackdown in a way that it has never been defended before.  Uh oh, she’s getting booking ideas from Vince Russo.

WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres & Natalya vs. Michelle McCool & Layla.  They show LayCool bitching at each other backstage before making up.  Natalya and McCool do some ground wrestling.  Natalya hits a back body drop.  Layla tags in and cowers from Natalya.  Natalya tries to do a Dominator or something.  Layla escapes and hugs McCool for dear life.  Natalya hits a butterfly suplex for 2.  Eve tags in and kicks Layla a bunch, then hits a standing moonsault for 2.  Eve goes for a superplex.  McCool kicks her in the face.  Layla hits a DIAMOND DUST~! for the pin in 2:42.  I like this match just for the finish.  Commercials.

WWE.com plug.

Josh Matthews has replaced Lawler on commentary.

Great Khali & Mark Henry (w/ Ranjin Singh) come out for a tag match against the Usos.  iBooker dings in.  Cole reads that the Usos don’t have a chance, so he makes it a dance off.  Fucking UGH.  They dance.  It’s fucking stupid.  The Usos jump the huge guys, which is also fucking stupid.  They get tree slammed and World’s Strongest Slammed.  Fucking ugh.  Did the writers say “Hey, we don’t have anything REALLY STUPID on the this show!  We better correct that!”

Earlier tonight, Randy Orton killed Husky Harris.

Raw Rumble tonight.  Commercials.

2/21/11!  Something’s gonna go down!  I’m sure it’s gonna be a happening.

Trailer for Triple H’s shitty looking new movie.

Justin Roberts explains the Raw Rumble stipulations.  #1 is John Morrison, who had an awesome moment in the Royal Rumble Match last night.  #2 is King Sheamus.  Commercials.

This Friday on Smackdown, Edge & Kelly Kelly vs. Dolph Ziggler & LayCool for the World Heavyweight Championship.  Seriously.

Raw Rumble Match: Morrison and Sheamus go at it.  Morrison hits some arm drags and cranks on Sheamus’ arm.  Morrison lands corner punches.  Sheamus hits the Irish Curse backbreaker.  #3 is John Cena.  Cena and Sheamus tear into each other.  Cena runs wild.  He goes for the Attitude Adjustment on Morrison, but Morrison lands on his feet and drops Cena with an enzuigiri.  Everybody brawls for a bit.  #4 is CM Punk.  He runs wild on everyone.  Sheamus tries to dump Cena while Morrison and Punk try to eliminate each other.  Everyone fails.  #5 is R-Truth, who gets his moment to shine.  Truth throws Morrison, but Morrison skins the cat back in and flips Truth into a similar predicament.  Both save themselves from being eliminated.  Punk spikes Cena with a DDT.  Sheamus tries to eliminate Truth.  #6 is Jerry “The King” Lawler!  Lawer runs wild and punches the shit out of everyone!  Crowd chants “JERRY!”  Sheamus stops Lawler from eliminating Punk.  Sheamus tries to dump Lawler.  Punk bails under the bottom rope and hides under the ring because #7 is Randy Orton.  Orton looks drags Punk out from under the ring and kicks his ass.  They make it into the ring and Orton runs wild.  Orton eliminates Punk!  Truth eliminates Orton!  Commercials!  The five remaining guys brawl.  Cena makes his comeback on Sheamus.  He gets Morrison and Truth on his back and tries to eliminate them.  Truth goes out, but Morrison hangs on and guillotines Cena to the apron.  Cena and Morrison brawl on the apron.  Sheamus comes at them and they low bridge him to the apron.  Sheamus and Cena make it back into the ring.  Sheamus drops Lawler.  Sheamus and Morrison try to suplex each other.  Morrison almost gets eliminated, but hangs on by his feet.  Morrison slides back in and tries to eliminate Sheamus again.  Sheamus hits the slingshot shoulder block.  Cena locks Sheamus in the STF.  Sheamus taps a bunch, but it’s a Rumble.  Morrison hits them with the Starship Pain.  Lawler dumps Morrison, but Morrison keeps his feet on the apron again.  Dude is a Rumble Ninja.  Morrison hits the Flying Chuck on Cena.  Morrison goes for the Flying Chuck, but Sheamus catches him and puts him in the apron again.  Sheamus finally eliminates Morrison with the brogue kick.  Cena hits the Attitude Adjusment on Sheamus.  Lawler dropkicks Cena and tries to eliminate him.  Sheamus breaks it up and hammers Cena on the apron.  Sheamus throws Lawler into Cena, which knocks Cena to the floor.  Sheamus goes for the brogue kick, but Cena low bridges Sheamus out of the ring just to be a dick.  Lawler wins in 18:18.  Fun match.  Lawler gets a title shot an Elimination Chamber!

Fun show aside from the stupid bullshit dance thing.