TNA iMPACT! 3/24/11

The usual video of recent happenings… which this week is auto tuned for some damn reason.

“Do The Math”

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Ken Anderson and some old guy in a suit come out to the ring.  Anderson introduces the guy as Professor Shubert, a mathematician from the University of Wisconsin, Green Bay.  They have a dry erase board in the ring, which they use to do math explaining that Anderson wants his title rematch.  I have no fucking idea what’s going on.  Anderson says that the professor once told a girl with a big ass that Anderson was gay so he could bang her instead.  I’m completely fucking serious.  Anderson gives the guy the Mic Check.  Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff come out.  Bischoff says Hogan sees something in Anderson, but he doesn’t.  Hogan talks about how he likes Anderson, then talks about how he’s being a dick, so he’s not getting a title shot until he earns it, because the rematch he’s already supposed to get was signed by Dixie Carter.  Man, this is convoluted.  Hogan books Anderson vs. RVD again tonight.  Anderson says RVD isn’t in his league.  Rob Van Dam comes out to retort.  Insta-commercials.

Anderson, Hogan, Bischoff, and RVD are in the ring.  RVD says “This is pro wrestling.  Someone talks smack about you, your music plays and you have to respond.”  Awesome.  They bicker.  RVD says he doesn’t know why he even signed with TNA.  Yes, he said that.  He bitches at Hogan for a while.  TNA World Heavyweight Champion Sting comes out and says the Network told him he’s the special enforcer in the #1 Contender match.  Wonderful.

Tonight, Ric Flair challenges Fortune.

They show Bully Ray powerbombing AJ Styles off the stage last week.  Mickie vs. Tara next.

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Backstage, TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne orders Tara destroy Mickie “or else.”  “Or else what?”  Tara replies.  Madison has no answer.

Mickie James vs. Tara.  Mickie beals Tara into the ring and kicks her ass.  Mickie hits a flapjack and nips up, which is oddly hot.  Tara lands a  snug looking knee to the face, then a standing moonsault, which was also oddly hot, for 2.  Mickie catches Tara with an elbow smash and goes for a rana, but Tara powerbombs her for 2.  Tara goes up top.  Mickie hits the ropes and crotches her, which is not hot.  Mickie goes for a Frankensteiner, I think, but ends up sitting in her lap.  Not sure if that was a botch or not.  Tara hits an avalance-style crab hold, which I don’t think I’ve ever seen before.  Mickie gets a rope break.  Tara goes for the Widow’s Peak, but Mickie counters into a nasty looking DDT for the pin in 3:17.  Best TNA women’s match in a LONG time, and Velvet Sky was nowhere to be seen.  I smell a correlation.  TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne comes out onstage to glare unhappily, then gives a nasty smile.

Sting and Ken Anderson encounter each other backstage.  Anderson is mad that Sting “stole” his title shot when he won the title.  Sting said the Network gave it to him.  Anderson asks for a name.  Sting says it’s simply “The Network.”

Tonight, Ric Flair challenges Fortune!  Anderson vs. RVD again.  Meh to that.

Replay of the worst segment of all time from last week, with The Pope abusing and preparing to rape Okato.  They’re so proud of this abortion, they’re showing it again.

Samoa Joe and Okato chat backstage.

Okato vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  Okato lands a dropkick and goes on the attack.  Pope avoids an awkward looking missile dropkick and beats up Okato.  Pope takes off his boot and hits Okato with it, then pulls off his glove to reveal several rings.  Pope punches Okato with the rings and gets DQ’d in 2:21.  Pope coninutes to kick Okato’s ass, then decks the referee.  Samoa Joe runs off Pope.

Tonight, Flair’s challenge and RVD vs. Anderson

Sting video package.

Kurt Angle talks about his kids and the match with Jarrett at Lockdown.

Flair’s challenge is NEXT!

Rob Van Dam and Hulk Hogan chat in the office.  Hogan says RVD is his guy, which is the opposite of what he told Anderson earlier.  RVD buys it, which proves he wasn’t watching the promo, but then how did he known Anderson was talking shit about him?  Did his music play and he just ASSUMED?  WTF is wrong with this company?  Hogan leaves and RVD calls him an idiot.  He’s right in this case.

Ric Flair, Matt Hardy, and Bully Ray come out.  They cut promos.  Hardy looks ridiculous with his stupid dreadlocks and sunglasses perched on top of his head.  Bully Ray challenges Fortune to a match at Lockdown, “the four of us against the three of you.”  Does Bully have a mouse in his pocket?  Fortune: TNA X Division Champion Kazarian and TNA World Tag Team Champions Beer Money hit the ring and kick their asses.  The lights go funny.  Abyss appears to make the save for the heels.  ONE WEEK AFTER ABYSS WAS STRIPPED OF THE TV TITLE FOR BEING TOO INJURED TO WRESTLE. HE’S BACK AND HE’S PERFECTLY FUCKING FINE.  With the odds now safely in their favor, Immortal beat up Fortune 4 on 3.

House shows.

Moments ago, ^^ happened.

Abyss cuts a mine babyface promo backstage, which would be great if he wasn’t supposed to be a monster heel.

Tonight, and RVD/Anderson match I don’t fucking care about.

Mexican America come out: Hernandez, some other guy, and TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions Sarita & Rosita.  They all throw out some really awkward sounding Spanish.  The new guy’s name is El Anarquia, which I don’t think makes any sense.  They roll out a Mexican flag.  The challenge Matt Morgan to a Street Fight.  Morgan and Brother Devon come out to accept the challenge.

Street Fight: Hernandez & Anarquia (w/ TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions Sarita & Rosita) vs. Matt Morgan & Brother Devon.  Morgan and Hernandez brawl outside.  Devon beats up Anarquia.  Devon hits a sidewalk slam for 2, then clotheslines Anarquia out of the ring.  Morgan and Hernandez come back in to brawl.  Morgan hits a fall away slam and the revolving elbows in the corner.  Morgan clotheslines Hernandez to the floor.  Sarita and Rosita talk shit to Morgan and Devon.  Sarita tances, which is pretty hot.  Velvet Sky comes out and attacks them.  Joy.  Velvet, who was stupid enough to attack 2 women, gets beaten down.  Angelina Love walks out looking like she just got a fresh botox injection.  Winter comes out and screams at her.  Angelina walks back to her.  So Winter is controlling Angelina’s mind now?  Meanwhile, Devon hits Anarquia with a shoulder block.  Morgan finally saves Velvet.  Anarquia hits Devon with an object and gets the pin in 3:40.  What a fucking mess.

Tonight, Anderson/RVD.  Ugh.

Ink Inc. vs. Scott Steiner & Crimson.  Steiner beats up Neal.  Steiner can still throw an awesome belly to belly suplex.  He does so, then hits a Steiner Line and an elbow drop, then does push ups.  Crimson tags in.  Double shoulder block.  Crimson hits a a Falcon Arrow for 2.  Crimson boots Neal out of the ring.  Moore tags in and gets his ass kicked.  Moore avoids Crimson in the corner.  Crimson catches Moore and slams him down.  Moore hits a moonsault body block, then yells at Neal for still being on the outside.  Neal dives, but Crimson catches him and hits the Red Alert for the pin in 3:03.  Total squash.  Neal shows respect to Steiner and Crimson after the match.  Moore wipes his ass with Steiner’s beer tag head dress, throws it at him, and runs away.  Steiner is pissed, and that’s damned scary.  Lots of beeped out swearing.

RVD/Anderson video package.  I’m not excited to see them have anything abysmal match.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contender Match: Rob Van Dam vs. Ken Anderson.  TNA World Heavyweight Champion Sting is the special enforcer.  They trade headlocks and hammerlocks.  The mutants obnoxiously chant about being assholes.  They should chat “WE ARE RETARDS!”  RVD hits a flying kick and a standing moonsault for 2.  Anderson counters the Rolling Thunder and the monkey flip, then hits a neckbreaker for 2.  Anderson hits an over the knee neckbreaker for 2.  Anderson grabs a chin lock.  Anderson accidentally clotheslines the ref and the ref does a 360 bump for it.  RVD superkicks Anderson.  Sting comes in to count 2.  Anderson hits the Lambeau Leap for 2.  RVD kicks Anderson in the face and makes his comeback.  RVD hits the split legged moonsault for 2.  Anderson bails to avoid the Rolling Thunder.  RVD hits him with a slingshot dive.  They brawl outside.  Anderson throws a chair into the ring.  Sting throws it out.  Anderson kicks RVD in the balls and gives him the Mic Check into the post.  Anderson gets in the ring and orders Sting to count.  They argue, then start fighting.  The bell rings despite nobody calling for it in 6:36.  I assume RVD wins by DQ.  Anderson and Sting brawl on the outside.  Al Snow, Pat Kenney, and other geeks break them up.  Insta-commercials.

They show replays of what just happened.

Rob Van Dam talks backstage.  He seems to concussed and doesn’t remember that he just had a match.  He has no idea what’s going on.  The camera man tries to explain it to him.  He still thinks he’s getting ready for a match.

Ken Anderson throws a temper tantrum backstage.

Sting says he didn’t ring the bell.  Obviously.  Nobody knows what the hell happened.  Anderson comes up to yell at him.  They start brawling again.  Al Snow, Pat Kenney, and D’Lo Brown break them up.  Anderson says the Wizard of Oz rang the bell.  Seriously.  The show ends.  Thank God.

Horrible show.  Better than last week’s show, but that’s like saying HIV is better than AIDS.

NWA Clash of the Champions V: St. Valentine’s Massacre

Cool opening video.  Clash of the Champions open.  We’re LIVE from Cleveland, Ohio.  Jim Ross and Magnum T.A. hype up the show.  The ring announcer is… a guy I don’t recognize.

The Russian Assassins (w/ Paul Jones) vs. The Midnight Express (w/ Jim Cornette).  Lane feigns some of his hokey karate crap.  The Russian pushes him across the ring.  They lock up.  Lane does his hokey karate crap.  Eaton tags in and works the Russian’s arm.  The Russian slams Eaton and tags in the other Russian.  Ross says it’s #2.  Lane tags in and heats a weak clothesline.  MX double team Russian Assassin #2.  We get an inset promo from Paul E. Dangerously while the match is going on.  Jones takes his coat off and acts like he wants to fight Cornette.  Lane hits Jones with hokey karate kicks.  The Russians console Jones.  Paul E. joins Ross and Magnum for commentary.  The MX clean house.  Cornette hits one of the Russians with the tennis racket on the outside.  The Russians fail to get any heat going.  They pull the switcheroo and get the advantage on Lane.  Lane is sent outside.  Cornette threatens Jones with the tennis racket to keep him from getting in a cheap shot… just like Cornette got in a few minutes ago.  The Russians get the heat on Lane.  It’s boring.  Lane catches one of them with a cross body for 2.  That’s called a hope spot, kids!  The Russians keep the heat on Lane.  The legal one tries to apply a crab hold, falls over, and grabs the ropes to apply a half crab.  Eaton makes the save.  Russians try to double team Lane, but Eaton prevents it again.  Eaton gets the hot tag and runs wild.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Paul E. leaves the booth.  MX hit the Rocket Launcher on one of the Assassins.  Eaton gets the pin in 13:15.  This wasn’t any good.  I normally like the MX, so the Russians must have sucked.

Bob Caudle interviews Ricky Steamboat, who is holding the baby who would grow up to be Richie Steamboat.  They show video of Steamboat beating up Ric Flair.

Steve Casey vs. “Hacksaw” Butch Reed.  They lock up.  Reed pushes Casey into the ropes, then poses.  Reed hits an arm drag and dances a bit.  They lock up again.  Reed pushes Casey into the ropes again.  This time he doesn’t give a clean break.  Casey hits a dropkick and an arm drag.  Casey cranks on Reed’s arm.  They trade arm locks.  Casey wins that exchange and takes Reed down the mat, where he keeps working on the arm.  Reed powers his way to his feet and backs Casey in the corner.  Casey hits another arm drag.  Reed slams Casey, but Casey holds on to the arm.  Reed gets a rope break.  Reed hides in the safety of being near the ropes for a bit.  Reed gives Casey a taste of his own medicine by working his arm.  Reed pulls Casey’s hair.  Casey hits an arm drag to reverse the momentum in the battle of who can hurt whose arm more.  Reed pushes Casey into the ropes.  Casey hits… another arm drag.  Casey works the arm some more.  Reed bails.  After a bit of time wasting, Reed calls for a test of strength.  Casey stupidly obliges.  Reed wins the test of strength, of course.  Casey finally escapes and gets a hammerlock.  Reed gouges his face.  Reed throws Casey out of the ring and poses.  Casey gets back to the apron.  Reed pulls his head across the top rope.  Casey fights his way back into the ring and makes his comeback.  Reed cuts him off with a forearm to the back of the head and applies a camel clutch.  It transitions into a rear chin lock.  Said rear chin lock continues for some time.  Casey tries to fight back again, but Reed throws him out of the ring again.  This match has officially gone on longer than the MX match.  Reed hits a suplex for 2.  Reed argues with the referee.  Casey tries to make his comeback, but Reed avoids a dropkick.  Reed applies a rear chin lock again.  He has a foot on the bottom rope just to be a dick.  I’m pretty sure that would actually decrease your leverage, Magnum.  Teddy Long accuses Reed of using the ropes.  Nothing comes of that.  Casey fights out of the rear chin lock and makes his comeback.  Casey hits corner punches, a hip toss, and a monkey flip.  Casey lands a couple of dropkicks.  He goes for a cross body, but Reed catches him and press slams him.  Reed goes up top and hits a diving shoulder block for the pin in 17:42.  This would have been fine at 5 minutes.  At almost 18, it was WAY too long and boring.

NWA World Heavyweight Champion Ric Flair comes out to the ring with Hiro Matsuda and a bunch of random women.  Bob Caudle interviews him.  Flair puts himself over and calls out Ricky Steamboat.  He offers Caudle his pick of the women.  Caudle isn’t interested.  Steamboat comes out.  Flair talks about how boring monogamy is and says he’ll beat Steamboat at the PPV on Monday.  Steamboat talks about what a scumbag Flair is.  Flair tells Steamboat to “go home and help the missus with the dishes.”  Steamboat attacks Flair and they begin to fight.  Caudle and women awkwardly stay in the ring.  Steamboat rips off Flair’s suit and gives him a press slam and a back body drop, then hits the diving cross body and gets a phantom three count.  Hiro Matsuda wakes up after being decked earlier and he and Flair double team Steamboat.  Steamboat makes his own comeback, sends Flair out of the ring, and knocks him into the crowd.  Steamboat comes back to the ring and puts on the tattered remains of Flair’s suit.  The crowd approves.  Steamboat rips it off and throws the pieces to the crowd, who still approve.

Coming up, The Road Warriors!  The Total Package!

The Blackmailer (w/ Hiro Matsuda) vs. “The Total Package” Lex Luger.  They lock up.  Luger shoves Blackmailer across the ring.  Repeat.  Luger blocks a wrist lock.  Blackmailer grabs a headlock.  Luger throws him off and absorbs a shoulder block.  Luger grabs a headlock, then drops Blackmailer with a shoulder block.  Blackmailer bails.  Back inside, the lock up again.  Luger grabs a headlock again.  Blackmailer tires of this shit and hits a backdrop suplex.  Luger no-sells it.  They stare at each other.  They lock up again.  Luger grabs another headlock.  Blackmailer backs Luger into the corner and beats on him a bit.  Luger reverses a whip, hits a back body drop, and does… a side headlock takeover.  Luger lets go and the walk around and look at each other.  They lock up again.  Blackmailer lands some blows.  Luger hits a powerslam.  Luger does… another side headlock takeover.  He works it for a while, then hits a press slam.  Luger charges, but Blackmailer ducks and Luger tumbles out of the ring.  Blackmailer pulls Luger’s neck into the top rope to keep him out of the ring.  This match will never end at that rate.  He chokes Luger against the ropes, then knocks him off the apron again.  Luger hits a slingshot sunset flip for 2.  They trade punches.  Blackmailer scrapes Luger’s eyes and goes on the offensive.  Blackmailer grabs a rear chin lock.  Luger escapes and gets caught in the balls.  Luger blocks a suplex attempt and hits one of his own.  Blackmailer beats on Luger.  Luger hulks up and makes his comeback.  Luger hits a superplex for the pin in 13:02 to end it.  That was a message to Barry Windham, who Luger will challenge for the United States title at Chi-Town Rumble.  This pretty much sucked.

Still to come, the Varsity Club vs. The Fantastics.

Michael Hayes delivers NWA World Television Champion Rick Steiner to Bob Caudle for an interview.  I’m pretty sure Steiner’s early gimmick was that he was borderline retarded.

NWA United States Tag Team Championship Match: Mike Rotunda & “Dr. Death” Steve Williams (c) of The Varsity Club (w/ Kevin Sullivan) vs. The Fantastics.  Sullivan & Williams won the titles, but the Varsity Club is using the Freebirds rule.  Rotundo and Rogers lock up.  Rotundo hits a fireman’s carry.  Rotundo takes him down.  Rogers gets back to his feet.  They stare at each other for a while.  Rogers hits an arm drag.  They stare at each other again.  Rogers grabs a side headlock.  Rotundo pulls his hair.  Rotundo does the drop down, leap frog, and is met with a clothesline, which gets 2 for Rogers.  Doc tags in and beats up Rogers, which is probably the most enjoyable thing on this show so far.  Rogers avoids an elbow drop and tags in Fulton.  The Fantastics hit a double dropkick.  Fulton swivels his hips.  They lock up.  Doc hits a shoulder block, then takes Fulton down.  We get an inset promo from Rick Steiner, who just had an interview 5 minutes ago.  Fulton fights back, but Doc takes him down again.  Rotundo takes in.  Fulton gets a sunset flip for 2.  Doc tags in.  Rotundo takes Fulton down to keep him from making the tag.  Fulton ducks some clotheslines and hits a cross body for 2.  Rogers tags in and hits a dropkick.  Doc recovers immediately and pounds on Rogers.  Rogers takes a rough looking bump off of a back body drop.  Rotundo tags in and lands an elbow smash on Rogers, then slaps Fulton.  Rogers fights back and tags in Fulton.  Fulton hits a knee lift for 2.  Fulton hits corner punches.  Doc decks Fulton and sends him to the floor.  With the referee distracted, Williams drops Fulton across the guardrail.  Fulton plays face in peril as the Varsity Club put a beating on him.  Fulton gets his knees up to block a splash from Rotundo.  Williams tags in and keeps Fulton from making the tag.  Rogers comes in the ring to attack Doc and is immediately forced out by the referee.  Fulton stays in the pressure cooker.  Doc hits an impressive press slam  and a football tackle.  Fulton holds onto the ropes to avoid the Oklahoma Stampede and lands on top of Doc.  Rogers gets the hot tag and RUNS WILD~!  Rotundo trips Rogers from the outside.  Rogers avoids an elbow drop and fights back, but gets sent to the floor.  Fulton makes a comeback.  Rogers hits a diving cross body on Doc.  Rotundo stomps Rogers in the back of the head.  Doc gets the pin on Rogers in 13:25.  For the first time all show, I can say I enjoyed this match.

Up next, The Dragon in action!

Bob Bradley vs. Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat (w/ Bonnie & Richie Steamboat).  Bradley talks trash.  They shove each other.  Steamboat ducks a punch and hits an atomic drop and some punches and a chop.  Bradley bails.  They lock up.  Bradley hit a hip toss.  They lock u p again.  Bradley hits a body slam.  Bradley hits an arm drag.  Steamboat hits a hip toss and a few slams, then a pair of the best arm drags in the history of professional wrestling.  Bradley bails.  Steamboat slingshots him back into the apron and rams his face into the mat.  Bradley bails again.  Steamboat joins him and gets slammed on the floor and sent into the barricade.  Back inside, Bradley rakes Steamboat’s eyes and hits a body slam.  Bradley lands an elbow smash and another body slam, and a clothesline.  Steamboat avoids Bradley in the corner.  Bradley does the Flair flip.  Steamboat hits an arm drag into an arm lock.  Bradley telegraphs a back body drop.  Steamboat succeeds with one, then hits another arm drag.  The leap frog each other.  Steamboat hits a hip toss and another arm drag.  I will never complain about Ricky Steamboat doing arm drags.  Bradly does a drop down, leap frog, leap frog, elbow smash.  Bradley hits a sidewalk slam.  Steamboat avoids a diving headbutt and drops Bradley with a chop.  Steamboat hits a diving chop and a diving cross body for the pin in 6:24.  See, kids?  In the magical land of 1989, a guy getting a title shot on the next PPV wins matches to build himself up!  What a novel concept.  The match was okay.

Coming up, JYD, Sting, & Michael Hayes!  Also, Rick Steiner.

Non-Title: Rip Morgan vs. NWA World Television Champion Rick Steiner.  Morgan stomps the mat.  Steiner bites his leg.  We get an inset promo from Mike Rotundo while Morgan beats up Steiner.  Steiner hits a Steiner Line and sends Morgan out of the ring.  They lock up.  Morgan beats up Steiner in the corner.  Steiner no sells blows to the head.  Because he’s too dumb to feel them, see?  Morgan hits a clothesline.  Steiner hits a powerslam, then barks and gets on all fours.  Morgan stomps around some more.  They lock up again.  Morgan beats on Steiner.  Morgan hits an elbow smash for 2, then grabs a rear chin lock.  Morgan hits a body slam.  Steiner avoids a diving splash and makes his comeback.  Morgan avoids an elbow drop and bear hugs Steiner.  Dumb move.  Steiner hits a belly to belly suplex for the pin in 4:41.  Steiner drinks something a fan throws in the ring.  It was okay.

Bob Caudle interviews Sting, Junkyard Dog, & Michael Hayes, who are going for the Six-Man Tag Team titles tonight.  They go back down into their dressing room.  Kevin Sullivan comes in and locks the gate leading to the babyface dressing room.  They can’t get out and they’re in the main event NEXT!  What will they do?

The Road Warriors and Genichiro Tenryu come out for the main event.  The Varsity Club hit the ring and attack them.  The bell rings, so I guess this is the main event now.

NWA World Six-Man Tag Team Championship Match: NWA World Tag Team Champions The Road Warriors & Genichiro Tenryu (w/ Paul Ellering) vs. NWA United States Tag Team Champions The Varsity Club.  They brawl while we get an inset of Doug Dillinger trying to open the door for Sting, JYD, & Hayes.  Animal clotheslines everybody.  They keep cutting to the back and interrupting the match.  Hawk beats up Sullivan.  Tenryu and Rotundo lock up.  Tenryu lands a chop and a dropkick.  Rotundo begs off.  Cut to the back again.  Don’t these fuckers know what bolt cutters are?  Tenryu drops Doc with an enzuigiri.  Hawk tags in and gives Doc a clothesline.  Cut to the back, where Sting, JYD, and Hayes are finally released.  Animal and Doc lock up.  Animal powers Doc into the heel corner.  Doc and Rotundo double team Animal.  Rotundo sends Animal’s shoulder into the post and the barricade.  Varsity Club get the heat on Animal.  Hawk gets the hot tag, but the referee didn’t see it.  The Varsity Club hit a spike piledriver on Hawk.  Sting, Hayes, and JYD hit the ring for a three-way brawl.  It’s a double DQ in 5:47.  And this was lame.  Folks are bawling all over the place.  Cut to commercials.

People are still brawling.  Ross and Magnum hype Chi-Town Rumble.  Roll credits.

I think I enjoyed one match on this show.  The rest of it was pretty suckish.

TNA iMPACT! 3/17/11

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

TNA World Heavyweight Champion Sting comes out with both the puke ugly Jeff Hardy belt and a brand spanking new belt.  He calls out Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff.  Hogan and Bischoff come out.  Sting gives Hogan the puke belt, which Hogan immediately discards.  Sting bitches at Hogan for brainwashing Jeff Hardy.  Hogan says Hardy embarrassed Immortal at Victory Road, then talks for three hours about whatever else.  Something about main eventers supposedly wanting to come into TNA.  Sting asks where they are.  Bully Ray comes out, because you know he’s a world renowned main eventer.  He puts over Hogan and bashes Sting.  He wants to take out Sting.  Hogan starts to reply to him, but Fortune interrupt.  Commercials.

Sting, Hogan, Bischoff, Bully, and Fortune are all in the ring.  Styles says Fortune has Sting’s back, then talks about Bully being a joke as a singles wrestler.  Bully retorts about Styles being Dixie Carter’s child or something and about Styles being a midget.  He wants to talk about his title shot with Hogan.  Styles slaps Bully.  Ken Anderson comes out to join the party.  He still wants his title rematch so badly it’s made him retarded.  Hogan says Anderson doesn’t get a title shot because he didn’t beat RVD.  Anderson replies that RVD didn’t beat him either and calls Hogan a carrot.  Bischoff babbles about the network and books RVD vs. Anderson vs. Bully vs. Styles in a #1 Contender match tonight.  Anderson doesn’t like it, but too bad.  This segment was… um… yeah.

Kurt Angle has a big present for the newlyweds.  Commercials.

AJ Styles chats with Rob Van Dam backstage, trying to form an alliance.  RVD isn’t buying it.

TNA Knockouts Championship Match: Madison Rayne (c) (w/ Tara) vs. Alissa Flash.  Rayne attacks Flash during her entrance to get the early advantage.  In the ring, she immediately hits her finish for the pin in 17 seconds.  And silly me was actually looking forward to Alissa dragging a match out of Rayne.  Madison and Tara go for the beat down, but Mickie James runs her off.  She wants another piece of Rayne.  Rayne points out, correctly, that she’s beaten Mickie time and time again and has no incentive.  She wants Mickie to put her hair up against the title at Lockdown.  Mickie agrees.  At least it’s not her career again.

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero is backstage with a fake blind guy, a fake fat guy, and a fake wheelchair guy.  He’s going to pretend to be Jesus later.  And they’re showing us ahead of time that he’s full of shit.

Tonight, the four-way match.  Commercials.

Ken Anderson pitches a fit to Hulk Hogan in the office.  They bitch at each other.  Anderson throws out the camera man.

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero is in the ring with his fake disabled and/or obese people.  He pretends to be Jesus and heal them the blind guy and the wheelchair guy, then insults the fake fat lady.  I hate wrestling.  Samoa Joe and Okato come out.  Pope throws the fake blind guy at Joe, then bails.  Pope captures Okato and holds a knife to his throat.  Are you fucking serious?  He kicks Okato and balls and throws him down, then reveals that it’s a fake knife.  Fuck Vince Russo.  Fuck Hulk Hogan.  Fuck Eric Bischoff.  Fuck Jeff Jarrett.  Fuck Dixie Carter.  Fuck everyone else who is responsible for this fucking piece of shit of a fucking wrestling show.

Tonight, a fucking four-way.  Commercials.

Moments ago, THE WORST FUCKING SEGMENT OF ALL TIME HAPPENED, AND THEY’RE SO PROUD OF THEY’RE SHOWING IT AGAIN.

Backstage, I think the Pope is torturing and preparing to rape Okato.  Samoa Joe runs Pope off and saves Okato.  I fucking hate this company.

Rob Van Dam accuses Ken Anderson of joining Immortal.  Anderson accuses RVD of the same thing.  Apparently one of them is turning heel tonight.  Who the fuck cares?

Four-way tonight.  Commercials.

Angelina Love, Velvet Sky, and Winter are bitches to each other backstage.  Angelina was supposed to team with Velvet, but she’s teaming with Winter instead, and no fucking body cares.  Velvet’s tits are still magnificent.

Jeff and Karen Jarrett come out.  Jarrett cuts a promo about how much better than Kurt Angle he is.  He says he’s offering a truce tonight.  He wants Angle to beg for forgiveness.  Angle comes out with his big present.  Angle facetiously puts over Jarrett and offers his gift.  Jarrett opens it to find an American flag guitar.  Angle takes it and breaks it over Jarrett’s head.  Awesome.  Karen hits Angle in the balls, but he pulls out the cup he was wearing and laughs at her.  Angle says he’s sick of this shit.  He wants Jarrett at Lockdown.  Either that or he’ll keep attacking Jarrett at home or something.  Jarrett agrees, with blood in his eye, despite Karen’s protests.  AWESOME segment.  I’m a little less pissed off now.

Eric Bischoff lectures Rob Terry, Gunner, and Murphy backstage.  He tells them that Abyss has been stripped of the TV title, so tonight the three of them will meet for the title.

Tonight, Matt Morgan, Angelina Love, & Winter vs. Hernandez, Rosita, & Sarita in a Street Fight!  Anderson vs. RVD vs. Styles vs. Bully!  Commercials.

House shows!

Karen Jarrett is on the phone with 911.  Jeff is bleeding.

Terry/Gunner/Murphy hype video.  Are you fucking serious?

Three-Way Match for the TNA World Television Championship: Gunner vs. Murphy vs. Rob Terry.  Gunner and Murphy beat up Terry.  Brooke Hogan and her stepmother are in the front row.  Cops arrive backstage.  Terry hits a Polish Hammer on Gunner for 2.  They lumber around and punch each other.  Terry drops Murphy with a spin kick.  Gunner spears Terry.  Gunner hits an F-5 on Murphy for the pin in 1:46 to win the title.  This was terrible.

AJ Styles talks backstage.  Ric Flair interrupts to talk shit.  Styles decks him.

The four-way TONIGHT!  The Street Fight NEXT!  Commercials.

Karen Jarrett bitches to police.  Jeff yells at her to chill the fuck out and argues with the cops.  Ugh.

Hernandez, Sarita, & Rosita come out.  Hernandez cuts his usual promo.  They’re now called Mexican America.

Street Fight: Mexican America (Hernandez & TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions Rosita & Sarita) vs. Matt Morgan, Angelina Love, & Winter.  Everybody brawls.  The women go outside.  Morgan beats up Hernandez in the ring.  Rosita and Sarita jump on Morgan’s back.  He throws them off.  Winter and Angelina attack them.  Winter hits her spinning slam on Rosita for the pin in 1:21.  I’m not going to bitch much about this being over with quickly.  Some guy attacks Morgan.  Morgan hulks up.  Hernandez and the guy run away.  Apparently this guy is the same “fan” who jumped in the ring at Victory Road.

The four-way is next.  Commercials.

RVD/Anderson Victory Road highlight video.

Four-Way Match to determine the #1 Contender for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship: AJ Styles vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Bully Ray vs. Ken Anderson.  Styles/Bully and RVD/Anderson pair off and brawl.  Styles hits a Frankensteiner on Ray, which is pretty sweet.  He goes for a monkey flip, but Bully pushes him down.  Ray and Anderson brawl.  Bully clotheslines Anderson out of the ring.  RVD and Bully go at it.  RVD hits a spin kick and the Rolling Thunder.  Anderson pulls RVD out of the ring and clotheslines him.  Styles hits a sunset flip on Anderson for 2.  Styles goes the leap frog, drop down, dropkick.  Ray clotheslines Styles for 2.  Ray hits a sidewalk slam on Styles for 2.  Bully beats up on everyone.  RVD beats up everyone.  He goes for the Five Star Frog Splash on Anderson, but it’s avoided.  Bully hits a Rock Bottom on Anderson for 2.  Styles hits a springboard cross body on Bully for 2.  RVD hits Styles with the flying kick for 1.  Anderson hits RVD with a swinging neckbreaker for 2.  Bully avoids a dive from Ray and tries to hit him with a chair, but Hebner takes it away.  Anderson dives RVD a backdrop suplex on the chair and they pin each other in 5:53.  Bully attacks the referee, then attacks Jeremy Borash.  Styles rakes up and brawls with Bully.  Styles gets a chair and Bully begs off on the stage.  Ric Flair appears and hits Styles in the balls.  Ray gives Styles a sit-out powerbomb off the stage through a table.  Pat Kenney, Al Snow, and the geeks appear to check on them.  Commercials.

Bully Ray wakes up and shoves Al Snow and an EMT.  They show replays.  D’Lo Brown, Snow, and Pat Kenney try to get Ray out of there.  Tommy Dreamer and Fortune are out to check on Styles.  Styles gets stretchered out, but this is TNA so I’m sure he’ll be fine next week.  Kazarian goes to call Styles’ wife.  They all head off to the hospital.  They really tried to present this is a big, serious deal, but it’s TNA and it’s impossible to take anything they do seriously.

I liked the Jarrett/Angle stuff before the fucked it up with the cops, and they tried with the Bully/Styles angle, but 95% of this show was TNA 101 and a textbook example of why everyone with a brain hates their show and why they’ll never be successful.

TNA Victory Road 2011

PPV opening video, pyro and ballyhoo.  Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Bully Ray comes out for his match.  He calls So Cal Val into the ring to give him a microphone, then bullies her out of the ring because he’s a bully.  He puts over Hogan and Bischoff, then calls out Tommy Dreamer.  Dreamer comes out.  Ray talks shit to him, then informs him that their match is Falls Count Anywhere.  I’m sure Dreamer is shaking in his little space boots.

Falls Count Anywhere Match: Bully Ray vs. Tommy Dreamer.  Dreamer attacks Bully and kicks his ass to start the match.  Ray lands a clothesline.  Dreamer recovers and throws him out of the ring.  They brawl on the floor.  Dreamer has a fan hold a chair and rams Bubba’s head into it, then spits a fan’s water into Bubba’s face, the hits him with a stuffed minion from that Disney movie, Despicable Me.  I think that’s what it is, anyway.  They brawl in the crowd.  They make their way back to ringside and Bubba gains the advantage.  Bubba swings a Singapore cane at So Cal Val just to be a dick, then takes her chair to attack Dreamer with.  That sentence wasn’t grammatically correct.  Anyway, he fails with the chair.  They throw some plunder into the ring and the Innovator of Violence goes to work.  There’s a blowup doll.  Bubba gets knocked down and 69s with it.  Dreamer interrupts the coupling with a big splash for 2.  Dreamer goes up top.  Bubba cracks him with a trash can lid, then hits a superplex.  Bubba gives the blowup doll an elbow drop and throws it out of the ring.  Dreamer counters the Bubba Bomb and hits the DDT for 2.  Dreamer brings in a table and goes for a piledriver.  Bully back body drops him, then clobbers him with a trash can.  Bubba goes for a Rock Bottom or something, gets countered, and lands a big boot for 2.  Bubba canes Dreamer, then calls for a microphone so he can talk shit while he does it.  He yells “This is for you, Devon!” and sets up a powerbomb.  Devon’s music plays.  Terrence and Terrell come out, one of them in a neck brace.  Brother Devon appears behind Bully.  Devon and Dreamer gives Bully the 3D through the table and Dreamer gets the pin in 10:44.  Fun little garbage match.  I have no complaints.  Dreamer, Devon, and sons celebrate.

Tenay and Taz chat about the main event.

Christy Hemme interviews The Beautiful People and Winter.  Velvet and Winter still aren’t getting long, and Angelina is monkey in the middle.  Velvet’s rack is magnificent tonight.  Sorry, couldn’t help it.

Sarita and Rosita come out.  Sarita cuts a promo out how they’ll win the titles.  She rattles off some Spanish that I can for the most part follow, but makes some gender errors.

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship: Angelina Love & Winter (c) vs. Sarita & Rosita.  Winter comes out in a blindfold for some reason.  Love and Rosita lock up.  Rosita is a seriously tiny woman.  Love knocks her down a bunch and she tags out.  Sarita gets schooled briefly and tags back out.  Love gives her a drop toe hold and tags in Winter.  Winter hits a backbreaker for 2.  Sarita tags in.  Winter hits a Northern Lights suplex hold.  Rosita breaks her bridge to save.  Love tags in.  Sarita tags out and tries to electric chair drop Rosita onto Love, but Love moves.  Love hits Rosita with a World’s Weakest Slam for 2.  Winter tags in.  She avoids a dropkick from Sarita.  Rosita eats it instead.  More quick tags with Love and Winter, who I guess are the babyfaces, dominating.  A brief clusterfuck ensues.  Sarita tries to use one of the title belts, but Love stops her and takes out out of the ring.  Hebner follows them out.  Rosita tries to use the belt, but Velvet Sky appears and takes it away.  Winter gets a reverse cradle on Rosita.  Sarita comes in and turns it over.  After several long seconds, Hebner makes it in and counts the pin on the world’s weakest cradle in 4:58.  Rosita and Sarita win the titles.  Love and Winter are mad at Velvet, who did nothing wrong that I can tell.  This was really meh and the finish was shit.

Footage of Jeff and Karen Jarrett on their honeymoon.  With their kids.  At a theme park.  Karen is not pleased.  They go for pizza.

Christy Hemme interviews Matt Morgan.  He cuts a promo on Hernandez.

Morgan/Hernandez hype video.

First Blood Match: Hernandez vs. Matt Morgan.  Morgan rushes and beats up Hernandez.  Morgan knocks Hernandez to the floor and they take turns ramming each others’ heads into the steps.  Back inside, Morgan exposes a turnbuckle.  Hernandez hits a shoulder blood and brings in a stick.  He breaks it in half and chokes Morgan with it, then tries to stab him.  iMPACT! Zone mutants chant “WE WANT BLOOD!”  Hernandez tries to gouge Morgan in various ways.  Morgan catches him with a sidewalk slam.  Hernandez hits another shoulder block and starts to put a beating on Morgan.  Morgan hulks up and makes his comeback.  Morgan brings the stick back in.  Hernandez kicks him low and goes up top.  Morgan throws him off like Hernandez is Ric Flair in every match he’s ever had.  A “fan” jumps in the ring.  The referee and security get him out.  Hernandez tries to use a chain.  Morgan takes it away and punches him.  The referee is out on the floor from the scuffle with the fan.  Hernandez squirts fake blood on Morgan.  The referee comes in, sees the fake blood on Morgan, and calls it in 8:34.  The match wasn’t any good, but that finish was hilarious.  You can see now that Hernandez is bleeding from the head.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a fuck finish in a first blood match.  Hilarious.

Christy Hemme interviews Generation Me.  It’s Max’s birthday.  He claims that Jeremy is going to help him with the X Division title for his birthday.  Jeremy doesn’t seem completely cool with this plan.

Jeremy Borash interviews TNA X Division Champion Kazarian, who isn’t sweating his return to Ultimate X.

Earlier today, Cookie screamed at Robbie E. while he was trying to get ice cream.

Ultimate X hype video.

X Factors.

Ultimate X Match for the TNA X Division Championship: Kazarian (c) vs. Robbie E. (w/ Cookie) vs. Max Buck vs. Jeremy Buck.  Cookie immediately tries to hump Kazarian’s leg.  GenMe beat up Robbie and throw him out, then go to work on Kazarian.  Kazarian jumps over them to the cables and goes for the belt.  Jeremy pulls him down.  Max accidentally clotheslines Jeremy.  Kazarian drops Max with a dropkick.  Robbie beats up Kazarian while Cookie screams obnoxiously.  Kazarian is sent outside.  Jeremy attacks Robbie while Max goes for the belt.  Robbie stops them and goes for the belt himself.  Kazarian climbs out and kicks him down, then drops down on h im with a leg drop like an idiot instead of taking the belt when he had the perfect chance.  Jeremy comes back in, kicks Kazarian in the head, and hits the springboard face plant.  Jeremy tries to help Max get to the belt.  Robbie gives Jeremy a neckbreaker.  Max falls down.  Gen Me are sent out.  Kazarian and Robbie go at it.  Kazarian back body drops Max out of the ring and he takes a bump on the steps.  Kazarian hits him with a dive.  Max hits Kazarian with a dropkick.  Jeremy hits Kazarian and Robbie with an Asai moonsault.  Max calls for Jeremy to come back and help him even though he’s all alone and can go for it himself.  Kazarian comes back in instead and beats him up.  Max drops Kazarian and goes for the belt while Jeremy holds Kazarian down.  Kazarian fights him off and pulls Max down.  Gen Me double team Kazarian.  Jeremy blocks Kazarian while Max climbs for the belt.  Kazarian kicks Jeremy down, then pulls Max down and catches him with an Ace Crusher.  Robbie pulls Kazarian’s neck across the top rope and goes for the belt.  Max pulls him down and hits him with a very swank reverse blockbuster/diving Diamond Dust type move.  Kazarian sends Max into the corner steel thing.  Jeremy beats up Kazarian.  Robbie, Jeremy, and Kazarian do the tower of doom spot.  Kazarian revives and gives Robbie the Fade To Black.  Jeremy nails Kazarian with an elbow smash and a spin kick.  Jeremy goes up top.  Kazarian hits him with a enzuigiri and hits the MOTHERFUCKING FLUX CAPACITOR!  Kazarian and Robbie both go for the belt.  Gen Me pull Robbie down and give him a double superkick.  They swing Kazarian back and forth until he falls down.  Jeremy goes up top.  Max bitches at him and pulls him off the top rope.  They argue.  Jeremy allows Max to go up, then goes up himself.  They meet int he middle and fight.  Robbie brings in a ladder, breaking the number one rule of Ultimate X.  Jeremy takes a bump off the cables.  Robbie knocks Max down and tries to set up his ladder.  Kazarian climbs the structure and walks the rope to the middle.  Robbie climbs the ladder and they fight over the belt.  Kazarian wins.  The bell doesn’t ring until Kazarian drops to the mat at 14:22, so I guess you have to take a stupid bump to make it official.  Fun match.  Some crazy spots.  Some really stupid logical flaws.

More of Jeff, Karen, and the kids.  Jeff brings more pizza.  Karen is being bitchy.

Christy Hemme interviews TNA World Tag Team Champions Beer Money.  They’re perverts, then they cut a promo on Shannon Moore.

Beer Money/Ink Inc. hype video.

Tag Lines.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match: Beer Money (c) vs. Ink Inc.  Storm and Neal lock up.  Storm lands a shoulder block.  They each block hip tosses and jump around a bit, then trade arm drags.  Stalemate, applause.  They trade slaps.  Storm hits a neckbreaker for 2.  Neal hits a cross body for 2.  Roode and Moore tag in and lock up.  Roode takes Moore down and they do a bit of chain wrestling.  Moore hits a dropkick for 2.  Roode hits a tilt a whirl backbreaker for 2.  Neal tags in.  Roode avoids the double team and hits a powerslam for 2.  Storm tags in.  Moore cheap shots him.  Neal is like “WTF?” and tags out.  Moore works over Storm.  Neal tags in and keeps the heat going.  Moore comes back in.  Storm avoids him in the corner.  Neal and Roode tag in and brawl.  Roode gets the better of it and runs wild.  Roode hits a spinebuster for 2.  Beer Money do some swank double teaming on Neal.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Moore runs wild on Beer Money.  They kind of botch a moonsault body block.  Moore hits a flipping bulldog on Roode for 2.  Ink Inc. go for their finish, but Roode counters it and drops Neal with a lariat.  Roode and Moore fight on top.  Moore knocks Roode down.  Storm tries to cut him off, but fails.  Moore hits the Halo on Storm.  Roode hits a Rock Bottom on Moore for 2.  Double suplex on Moore.  BEER!  MONEY!  They go for the DWI, but Neal spears Storm.  Neal hits a neckbreaker on Roode.  Moore follows with an Ace Crusher for 2.  Moore gets the chain that his stupid book is on.  Neal tells him “no,” then holds Roode up.  Storm makes the save and hits a Lung Blower on Moore.  Beer Money hit the DWI on Moore and Roode gets the pin in 12:32.  Okay match.  Neal shakes hands with Beer Money.  Moore spits beer in Storms face and runs away.  Ink Inc. argue.

Christy Hemme interviews Matt Hardy and Ric Flair.

AJ Styles vs. Matt Hardy (w/ Ric Flair).  They lock up.  Styles dodges a punch and lands some of his own.  Styles hits a shoulder block, then grabs a front face lock.  They trade hammerlocks.  Styles takes Hardy down with a headlock.  Hardy lands an elbow smash.  Styles does the leap frog, drop down, dropkick.  Hardy tries to suplex Styles in from the apron.  Styles lands on his feet and knocks Hardy out of the ring.  He hits the ropes for a dive, but Flair grabs his foot.  Hardy clotheslines Styles for 2.  Styles low bridges Hardy out of the ring and hits a moonsault off of the apron.  Hardy sends Styles’s shoulder into the apron, then the post.  Hardy tries to whip Styles into the barricade.  Styles slides under, then comes off the barricade with a forearm.  Back inside now.  They counter each other.  Styles takes a whiplash bump into the turnbuckles.  Hardy throws Styles outside and distracts the referee so Flair can get his cheap shots in.  Hebner and Flair get into it.  Hardy throws Styles back in and hits the Albert decapitator for 2.  Hardy locks in a swank standing butterfly lock.  Styles turns it into a cover for 2, then reaches the ropes to escape the hold.  Hardy chokes Styles with his boot.  Hardy hot shots Styles into the top turnbuckle and hits a sleeper drop for 2.  Flair grabs Styles’ balls behind the referee’s back.  Hardy drops some elbows for 2.  Hardy applies a cravat.  Back up, they double clothesline each other, then Styles lands an enzuigiri.  They trade punches.  Styles hits a fireman’s carry into an over the knee backbreaker for 2.  Styles hits a suplex neckbreaker for 2.  Styles goes up top.  Hardy gets up to cut him off, but Styles jumps over him.  Hardy hits the Side Effect for 2.  Hardy comes off the top with a diving elbow to the back of the head.  Hardy goes for the Twist of Hate, but Styles turns it into a backslide for 2.  Hardy hits a discus lariat.  Styles goes for the Style Clash, but Hardy turns into an Alabama Slam for 2.  Styles catches Hardy with an elbow smash and botches the Phenomenon, but turns it into a cover that gets 2 when Hebner finishes being distracted by Flair.  Flair pokes Styles in the eye.  Styles knocks Flair off the apron with a Pele kick.  Hardy hits a DDT and a moonsault press for 2.  Styles counters the Twist of Hate again, but eats an elbow.  Hardy is on top.  Styles knocks him down with the Pele kick.  Styles hits the MOTHERFUCKING SPIRAL TAP FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS to get the pin in 17:37.  Good match.  SPIRAL TAP~!  Styles gives Flair a retaliatory shot to the balls after the match.  Fun times.

More of Jeff and Karen.  Jeff is enjoying himself, but Karen is pissed.  Jeff says he misses Kurt and he’s going to call for a truce on Thursday.  The kids come up and they all get sprayed with water.  Karen throws a fit.

Christy Hemme interviews Ken Anderson.

RVD/Anderson hype video.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contender Match: Rob Van Dam vs. Ken Anderson.  They stare at each other.  The mutants start their alternating chant.  They start punching, then counter each other a bunch, then cradle each other for 2.  Stalemate, applause.  There’s been a lot of that in TNA lately.  They trade hammerlocks and headlocks.  Very cool wrestling exchange.  RVD goes for a leap frog and crotches himself on Anderson’s head.  They go back and forth some more.  RVD hits the springboard kick and the Rolling Thunder.  Anderson rolls out of the ring.  RVD hits baseball slide dropkick and a slingshot dive.  RVD goes for the guardrail leg drop, but Anderson moves and RVD leg drops the barricade.  Fucking ouch.  Anderson goes to work on RVD’s leg.  RVD’s leg is so injured that Anderson gets 2 off of a chop block.  RVD holds onto the top rope to avoid the Mic Check.  Anderson avoids the Rolling Thunder.  RVD counters the Lambeau Leap and grabs a headlock.  Anderson turns it into a backdrop suplex.  Anderson hits a swinging neckbreaker for 2.  Anderson hits the Lambeau Leap for 2.  Anderson goes for the Mic Check again.  RVD counters.  Double clothesline spot.  They trade punches.  RVD does a back flip and lands on his feet fine despite the injured leg.  They conk heads.  RVD hits a cross body against the ropes that takes them both out of the ring.  They brawl up the ramp.  Anderson hits the Mic Check on the ramp.  It’s a double count-out in 12:52.  There’s even an alternating chant of “RESTART THE MATCH!” and “NO!”  Fucking iMPACT! Zone mutants.  So… a double count-out.  Lovely.  It was okay match until the schmozz finish.

Pre-taped comments from Jeff Hardy.

Sting/Hardy hype video.

Tale of the Tape.

Introduces and introductions for the World title match.  Eric Bischoff comes out.  He shakes Hardy’s hand, then tries to shake hands with Sting.  Sting, for once, isn’t buying it.  Bischoff makes it a No DQ Match.  Sting decks Bischoff and stomps on him.

No DQ Match for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship: Sting (c) vs. Jeff Hardy.  Hardy teases throwing his shirt to the crowd for a while.  Sting backs him into the corner.  The referee makes him stand back.  Hardy fucks around about his t-shirt some more.  They lock up.  Sting clubbers Hardy a bit, then hits the Scorpion Death Drop for the pin in 1:28.  Seriously, that was the whole match.  Apparently Hardy showed up “in no condition to perform” tonight.  The No DQ thing never came into play.  I assume the Bischoff shit was just to kill time.

PPV recap video.

This show was heading to a thumbs very slightly up until the double count-out in the semi main and the 1:28 main event.  That knocked it down a few pegs.

TNA iMPACT! 3/10/11

Recap of last week’s happenings.

“The Return of the Icon”

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

The NEW TNA World Heavyweight Champion Sting comes to the ring.  He thanks the fans for their support.  He puts over Jeff Hardy.  Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff come out and applaud Sting.  Hogan talks for a while.  Sting responds at length.  Ken Anderson comes out.  He talks for a while.  The short of it is, wants a title shot.  Jeff Hardy comes out.  He also wants a title shot.  Rob Van Dam, who I can only assume also wants a title shot, comes out.  What do ya know?  I was right!  Hogan says he’s the one who calls the shots.  Bischoff books Sting vs. Hardy and RVD vs. Anderson for Victory Road and Anderson & Hardy vs. Sting & RVD tonight.

The Beautiful People are in the locker room.  Cookie, Angelina from Jersey Shore, and Sarita come in.  They’re all bitch.  Winter bitches at Angelina for talking shit to the other Angelina.  The heel bitches leave, then Velvet bitches at the other face bitches.  I hate women’s wrestling.

Pope/Joe next.

Samoa Joe (w/ Okato) vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.  Pope comes out of the crowd and hits Okato with a chain.  Joe chases Pope into the ring, where Pope gets the jump on him.  Joe rallies and beats up Pope.  Pope beats up Joe.  Joe kicks Pope in the face and hits a senton splash.  Joe hits a powerslam for 2.  Pope begs off.  Joe slaps him.  Pope counters the choke and hits a STO for 2.  Pope removes a turnbuckle pad.  The referee sees it and does nothing about it.  Joe hits an Exploder.  Pope grabs his chain .  The referee finally decides to fix the turnbuckle.  Joe goes for the Muscle Buster, but Pope KOs him with the chain for the pin in 3:22.  Stupid.

Bully Ray arrives and bullies the camera man, because he’s a bully.  He talks shit about Tommy Dreamer.  He challenges Dreamer to a parking lot fight.

Tonight, horrible women’s match.  Anderson & Hardy vs. Sting & RVD.

TNA Knockouts Championship Madison Rayne and Tara come out for a title match.  They show Rayne beating ODB 2 weeks ago.  Rayne is obnoxious.  She issues another open challenge.

TNA Knockouts Championship Match: Madison Rayne (c) (w/ Tara) vs. Roxxi.  Crowd is completely dead for Roxxi.  Rayne goes on the attack.  Roxxi makes her comeback.  Nobody mentions how Rayne beat her and forced her out of the company last year.  Roxxi hits a spinebuster for 2.  Roxxi gets a schoolgirl for 2.  Rayne hits her finish for the pin in 1:33.  Well this was pointless.  Rayne continues beating Roxxi after the match.  Mickie James makes the save.

Tommy Dreamer goes to the parking lot and waits for Bully Ray.

Bully Ray is in another part of the parking lot pretending to look for Dreamer.  Brother Devon attacks him instead and beats the hell out of him.  Ray begs off.  Devon whips him with a chain.  Fucking ouch.  Devon goes after Ray with a sledgehammer.  Tommy Dreamer stops him for  using it and leads him away.  Ray cheap shots a security guard who comes to help him, then whips him with the chain, then throws a guardrail on him.  Bully Ray is an awesome heel.

Sarita (w/ Rosita), Cookie, & Angelina vs. TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions Angelina Love & Winter & Velvet Sky.  Angelina wants to start with Velvet.  Typical cat fight bullshit.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Robbie E. runs in and holds Velvet.  There’s some kind of weird clusterfuck.  Winter cleans house on the Jersey traps and bites Robbie’s hand.  Velvet schoolgirls Angelina for the pin in a mercifully short 1:53.  Now let’s never speak of this again.  Sky spanks herself.

Next, Matt Hardy vs. Ric Flair vs. AJ Styles in a three-way Street Fight.

Last week, Kurt Angle put football player Bart Scott in the ankle lock.  Video of Angle discussing the incident.  Ken Anderson also comments on it for some reason.

Ken Anderson is in the office with Hogan, Bischoff, and Hardy.  He’s incredulous about having to team with Hardy tonight.

Flair/Styles video package.

Ric Flair, Matt Hardy, and AJ Styles come out for their street fight, but Flair wants to talk.  Flair and Styles banter for a while.  Hardy talks shit to Styles for a while.  Styles slugs Hardy to start the match.  Insta-commercials.

Three-Way Street Fight: Ric Flair vs. Matt Hardy vs. AJ Styles.  The bell never rang as far as I could tell.  Styles beats up Hardy while Flair watches from outside.  Hardy gets the advantage and Flair comes in.  Styles drops him with an enzuigiri, then puts him in the figure-four.  Hardy hits the diving leg drop on Styles for 2.  Flair bails.  Hardy throws Styles out.  Flair pokes  him in the eyes.  Styles rams Flair’s head into the post.  Flair bleeds, of course.  Hardy hits styles from behind with a trash can.  Hardy brings in a ladder and hits Hardy with it.  Styles counters Hardy and throws him into the ladder.  Flair attacks Styles.  Styles pounds Flair’s bloody head.  Hardy comes back in and hits the Side Effect for 2.  Hardy misses an elbow drop.  Styles kicks Flair to avoid a chair shot, then rips Flair’s shirt open and chops him.  Styles drops Hardy with the Pele kick, then goes for the Styles Clash on a chair.  Flair hits Styles in the balls.  Hardy gives Styles the Twist of Hate on the chair.  Flair pins Styles in 5:52.  This was a mess.

Sting tries to make amends with RVD.  RVD isn’t buying it.  They’re in a tag match tonight!

House shows!

Generation Me vs. Ink Inc.  TNA World Tag Team Champions Beer Money come out to do commentary.  Jeremy and Moore do a fast paced exchange.  Jeremy hits the slingshot X Factor.  Max tags himself in and tries to steal the pin, but only gets 2.  Jeremy tags back in and hits a slingshot dropkick for 2.  Max tags himself back in and covers Moore for 2.  What’s up with this shit?  Max clamps on a rear chin lock.  Moore gets a quick cradle for 2.  Moore fights back and gets a sunset flip for 2.  Neal gets the hot tag and runs wild.  Neal hits a cross body on Max for 2.  He face plants Jeremy.  Max superkicks Neal.  Jeremy tags in.  Max tries to launch Jeremy to the top rope, but Neal spears him in midair.  Moore throws out Max.  Ink Inc. hit th eir finish on Jeremy and Neal gets the pin in 4:15.  It was okay.  Moore says Ink Inc. will win the titles at Victory Road.  Storm says Beer Money will kick their asses.

Mr. Anderson is getting ready backstage.  Jeff Hardy comes in and stares at him, then asks if Anderson is going to turn on him tonight.  Anderson replies that he’s an asshole.  That wasn’t the whole thing, but it’s all I heard.

Tonight, Anderson & Hardy vs. Sting & RVD.

Victory Road hype video.

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero talks backstage.

Video of the shit that went down with Kurt Angle and Jeff & Karen Jarrett last week.

Jeff and Karen Jarrett talk backstage.  They’re going to Orlando for their honeymoon.  So they’re going where they go every week anyway.

Ultimate X hype video.

Tenay and Taz hype Victory Road.

Sting hype video.

Jeremy Borash interviews TNA World Heavyweight Champion Sting.  Ken Anderson jumps Sting from behind and kicks his ass.  He REALLY wants his title shot.

So Cal Val has taken over as ring announcer, and she’s just awful.

Jeff Hardy & Ken Anderson vs. TNA World Heavyweight Champion Sting & Rob Van Dam.  Sting doesn’t come out for the match.  Anderson jumps RVD to start the match.  RVD fights back and hits a springboard kick for 2.  Anderson avoids the monkey flip and slaps Hardy in the back of the head, which constitutes a tag.  RVD beats up Hardy.  RVD hits the Rolling Thunder for 2.  Hardy goes to tag out, but Anderson drops off the apron.  RVD gets the leg roll cradle on Hardy for 2.  Hardy throws RVD down and slaps Anderson to tag him in.  Anderson gets knocked off the apron.  Hardy hits RVD with the Twist of Hate for 2, as Anderson stops the referee from making the count.  Hardy wasn’t legal anyway.  Anderson gives Hardy the Mic Check.  The lights go out.  Sting appears in the ring and beats up Anderson.  Sting hits the Scorpion Death Drop.  RVD hits Anderson with the Five Star Frog Splash for the pin in 4:27.  Well this was dumb.

Garbage.  That was this show.  That is this company.

TNA iMPACT! 3/3/11

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.  We are TAPED from Fayetteville, North Carolina.

TNA President Dixie Carter comes out.  She’s very upset.  Apparently she lost the pretend court case.  Immortal: Eric Bischoff, Ric Flair, Matt Hardy, Rob Terry, Gunner, and Murphy come out.  Bischoff gloats.  Flair explains that this is Flair Country and bitches at her for not banging him.  Hulk Hogan comes out to join them.  Joy.  He says he controls 100% of TNA.  He more or less calls Dixie a money mark.  Fortune: AJ Styles, TNA World Tag Team Champions Beer Money, and TNA X Division Champion Kazarian come out.  Styles cuts a promo, then leads Dixie out of the ring.  Roode cuts a promo on Hogan.  Roode and Flair banter.  Fortune try to hit the ring to brawl, but security, who is actually competent this segment, hold them back.

Immortal are backstage.  They meet some guy who is apparently a professional athlete.  Matt Hardy leads him off for God knows what.  They encounter Styles, Kazarian, and Dixie.  Dixie runs away.  Hardy and the guy get into a scuffle with Styles and Kazarian.  Jeff and Karen Jarrett show up.

Tonight, a wrestling wedding, which we know always goes perfectly as planned.

Eric Bischoff bitches to Hogan about some network guy forcing Jeff Hardy to defend the title tonight against a mystery opponent.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match: Beer Money (c) vs. Gunner & Murphy.  Gunner and Murphy knock Roode out of the ring and beat on Storm.  Roode gets the tag and runs wild.  Roode hits a spinebuster on Gunner for 2.  Murphy clotheslines Roode.  Gunner accidentally decks Murphy.  Storm superkicks Gunner.  BEER!  MONEY! double suplex on Murphy.  DWI on Gunner.  Roode gets the pin in 3:08.  That didn’t take long.  Ink Inc. come out.  Moore cuts a promo about being in his home state and being a weirdo or whatever weirdo talks about.  Moore challenges them to a title match at Victory Road.  Beer Money accept.

Jeff and Karen are obnoxious backstage.  Eric Young wants to be Jeff’s best man.  Jeff declines.  Young offers to be maid of honor, flower girl, and ring bearer.  Jarrett allows him to be ring bearer, to Karen’s displeasure.

Angelina from Jersey Show is here.  Joy.

Tonight, the wedding!  Jeff Hardy vs. ??? for the World Championship!

Kurt Angle arrives with his kids.

Sarita (w/ Rosita) vs. Velvet Sky (w/ TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champion Angelina Love).  Sky is fired if she loses, so WAR SARITA~!  Sarita shoves Velvet and turns her back for some reason.  Velvet goes on the attack.  Sarita fails a dropkick.  Velvet hits a fancy lucha arm drag.  Some weird shit happens.  Rosita comes in.  Love spears her and kicks her ass.  Hebner ejects Rosita and Love.  Sarita hits a series of week reverse DDT style backbreakers.  Sarita goes for a Tiger Driver, but Velvet counters and hits a DDT for the pin in 2:02.  Ugh.  Love comes back to celebrate.  Robbie E., Cookie, and Angelina come out.  This segment gets more and more atrocious.  Lots of obnoxious females babbling.  Angelina wants a match with JWoww next week.  I pray to JBL that doesn’t happen.  Angelina kicks Velvet in the ass.  Velvet attacks her.  Sarita joins in the brawl.  The Beautiful People get beaten down.  Love wants to have a six-way next week.  Ugh.  There was nothing good about this segment, and nothing it leads to will be less than horrible.

Speaking of horrible, there’s a wrestling wedding and a Jeff Hardy World Title match tonight.

Ken Anderson talks backstage.  He assumes he’s getting the title shot tonight.

Eric Young tells Orlando Jordan he’s the flower girl tonight.  He accuses Jordan of stealing the ring, but it was in his show.  Stupidity.

Jeff Jarrett and Ric Flair chat in the bathroom.

Kurt Angle explains to his son that his taping his hands while getting dressed for a wedding.  I think he plans to punch someone.

Tonight, World Title match!  Wedding is NEXT!

Hulk Hogan is on the phone complaining to the network.

Wedding time.  Eric Young and Orlando Jordan come out looking like idiots.  Jeff Jarrett comes out.  Kurt Angle attacks him in the aisle.  They brawl.  Karen comes out and tries to choke Angle.  She slaps him.  Angle throws her into the wedding cake!  Gotta love wrestling weddings.

Hulk Hogan talks to TNA World Heavyweight Champion Jeff Hardy backstage.  Hardy is fine with defending the title, but justifiably upset about not knowing who his opponent is.

Moments ago, Kurt Angle ruined the wedding.

Jeff and Karen pitch a fit to Bischoff and Flair backstage.  Bischoff assures them that the wedding will happen.  Hogan comes in to complain about the title match situation.  Bischoff tells Flair to “handle this.”

Rob Terry vs. Scott Steiner.  Terry jumps Steiner with solid sounding punches.  Steiner hits an Exploder, then clotheslines Terry out of the ring.  They brawl outside.  Terry rams Steiner’s back into the post.  Back inside, Terry keeps the beating going.  Terry hits a powerslam for 2.  Steiner hits a belly to belly suplex, then a Complete Shot.  Steiner hits a Steiner Line and an elbow drop, then does pushups.  Steiner hits a Samoan Drop off the top rope, then locks in the Steiner Recliner for the submission in 3:19.  This was awful, but it was fun to see the Steiner Recliner again.

Ric Flair and the New York Jets guy come into Kurt Angle’s locker room.  Flair warns that the sport player will kick Angle’s ass if he interferes in the second wedding.  Bart Scott is his name, apparently.

Bellator Featherweight Champion Joe Warren has joined Tenay and Taz on commentary.

Hernandez vs. Matt Morgan.  Morgan his the discus lariat and puts the boots to Hernandez.  Morgan hits a sidewalk slam for 2.  Hernandez bails and tries to leave.  Morgan kicks his ass back to the ring.  Hernandez begs off.  Morgan kicks him in the face.  Hernandez rakes Morgan’s eyes.  Morgan doesn’t go for the shirt toss and does it to Hernandez instead.  Morgan hits the revolving elbows in the corner, then clotheslines Hernandez to the floor.  Hernandez begs off again on the outside, then sends Morgan’s face into the steps.  Repeatedly.  The ref DQs Hernandez in 4:22.  Morgan is bleeding.  Hernandez is pleased.  I am not.

Hogan is on the phone bitching again.  Ken Anderson comes in.  He’s pissed about not getting a title shot.  They bicker for a while.

Tonight, Hardy vs. somebody!  Next, another try at the wedding!

Preview for some new Spike TV show.

Eric Young and Orlando Jordan come out like dorks for the wedding again.  Jeff Jarrett comes out again.  Karen comes out, escorted by Kurt Angle, who has crazy eyes.  Karen still has cake on her face.  The wedding goes on.  They both talk shit about Angle in their vows while Angle just looks on smiling.  They do the rings after Young finds Karen’s in his shoe again.  They make out while Angle looks on creepily.  Angle makes sure they’re done, then pulls out a fucking axe!  He chops up the wedding decorations.  Eric Bischoff sets Bart Scott on Angle.  Scott shoves Angle, then pie faces him.  Angle puts him in the ankle lock.  Hah!

Jeff Hardy talks backstage.

Somebody’s here in a limo!

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: Jeff Hardy (c) vs. Sting.  Sting throws a reluctant Hardy into the ring and goes for the Scorpion Death Lock.  Hardy bails.  He looks scared, but comes back and goes on the attack.  Sting counters a suplex attempt and locks in the Scorpion Death Lock.  Hardy manages to get a rope break and rolls outside.  He tries to leave again, but Sting attacks his leg in the aisle.  Sting rams Hardy into the barricade at ringside.  Hardy avoids a Stinger Splash and Sting hits the barricade.  Back inside, Hardy goes on the offensive.  Sting hulks up and makes his comeback.  Sting his the Scorpion Death Drop for the pi…NO!  Hardy kicks out.  Hardy avoids another Stinger Splash.  Sting crotches Hardy on a Whisper In The Wind attempt and hits him with a Scorpion Death Drop out of the corner.  Sting hits the third Scorpion Death Drop for the pin in 6:15.  Sting is the World Champion!  He celebrates with Hardy’s fugly belt.

This show wasn’t good.  In fact, at some points it was horrendous, but it was interesting and did a lot to advance storylines.

TNA iMPACT! 2/24/11

Recap of recent goings on.

“Hot At Teacher.”  Sounds like a porno title.

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Ken Anderson comes to the ring.  He’s doing a sit down strike until he gets his title rematch.  Rob Van Dam comes out to bitch at Anderson for screwing him over last week.  They brawl.  Al Snow, Pat Kenney, D’Lo Brown, and security geeks come out to break them up.  Immortal come out: Eric Bischoff, Jeff & Karen Jarrett, Matt Hardy, Rob Terry, Gunner, and Murphy.  Bischoff says instead of getting his rematch tonight, Anderson is going to face RVD.  Jarrett whispers on Bischoff’s ear.  Bischoff likes it and books RVD vs. Anderson vs. Angle for tonight.

Tonight Rob Terry vs. Scott Steiner in a pose down.  Ugh.  Also, Ric Flair vs. AJ Styles.

Scott Steiner talks backstage.  Eric Young poses behind him.  Steiner yells at him to leave.

Video of Jeff & Karen’s wedding planning.  Ugh.

Kurt Angle talks about the aforementioned stupidity.

TNA World Tag Team Champions Beer Money come out to do commentary on the next match.

Eric Young & Orlando Jordan vs. Gunner & Murphy.  Jordan humps Murphy’s face.  Young schoolboys him for 2.  Gunner tags in.  He and Young run the ropes for about an hour.  Jordan spanks Gunner.  They run the ropes some more.  Gunner shoves Jordan.  Murphy clotheslines Young behind the referee’s back.  Gunner and Murphy get the heat on Young.  Young takes his shorts off to reveal trunks that look like briefs.  More stupid shit happens.  Gunner pins Young after the Demolition Decapitation in 3:25.  This sucked.

The Beautiful People talk backstage.  Angelina doesn’t think Velvet should put her career on the line against Sarita.

Tonight, Flair vs. Styles and Angle vs. Anderson vs. RVD.

Brother Devon comes out.  He apologizes to his sons for letting them get beaten up by Bully Ray.  Ray appears on the Tron.  He talks shit while stomping on someone.  Ray calls this random black guy “one of [Devon's] kind,” which is pretty racial, then sets him up for a powerbomb through a table.  Tommy Dreamer appears and brawls with Ray into the arena.  Devon gets a chair and Ray runs away.  Devon accidentally decks Dreamer, thinking he’s one of the security geeks.

TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne and Tara are annoying backstage.  Rayne has issued an open challenge for tonight.  She orders Tara to not interfere.

Tonight, Angle vs. RVD vs. Anderson and Flair vs. Styles.

AJ Styles talks about Ric Flair backstage.

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Magnus vs. Crimson.  Magnus talks shit before the match.  Crimson kicks his ass.  Crimson hits an Exploder and a cravat neckbreaker.  Magnus pulls Crimson’s head across the top rope and drops him with a big boot.  Crimson counters Magnus’ TKO and hits a spinning STO thing called the Red Alert for the pin in 1:11.  Crappy squash.

Rob Van Dam talks backstage.

Tonight, the three-way.

Rob Terry is headed our way.

Rob Terry comes out and cuts a promo.  Scott Steiner comes out in a suit and does a typical meandering promo.  Terry attacks Steiner with barbell and chokes him with one of those weight lifting pulley things.  Security geeks come out to break it up, but are afraid of Terry.

Velvet Sky encounters Winter backstage.  Winter mockingly encourages her.  Sky is a bitch in return.

Three-way tonight!  For the love of God, don’t forget about the three-way!  IT’S SO IMPORTANT THEY HAVE TO REMIND IS EVERY 17 SECONDS!

Ric Flair is here!

Jeff and Karen meet with a minister, who is appalled at what douches they are.

Ric Flair comes out and cuts a promo on AJ Styles, calling for Styles to come out and worship him.  Styles comes out.  They bicker.  Styles jumps Flair.  Hernandez runs in and attacks Styles.  Styles sends Hernandez to the floor and goes back to beating on Flair.  Hernandez comes back again and holds Styles for Flair.  Styles breaks free and hits Flair in the falls, then drops Hernandez with the Pele kick.  Styles rips up Flair’s suit.  They brawl at ringside.  Flair bleeds, of course.  Hernandez comes back and attacks Styles yet again, this time dropping him face first across the apron.  Styles rallies again and takes out Hernandez with a dive.  Flair begs off.  Styles pounds on him and rips more of his clothes off.  Styles goes for the Styles Clash.  Hernandez makes the save again.  Flair and Hernandez pound on Styles.  Fortune come out and run off Flair and Hernandez.  Matt Morgan appears and attacks Hernandez.  Fortune pose in the ring.

Ken Anderson talks backstage.

Don’t forget about the three-way!

Video recap of this whole stupid Immortal angle.  Next week, the verdict for the stupid court case.

Madison Rayne comes out to be obnoxious.  Her mystery opponent is the returning ODB!

Non-Title: TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne vs. ODB.  ODB goes on the attack and runs wild.  Rayne bails to avoid a bronco buster, then goes on the attack.  Rayne humps ODB’s face into the mat.  Rayne hits a Lung Blower, then waves at the crowd.  She goes for the hump again, but fails.  ODB makes her comeback and finally gets her bronco buster in.  ODB goes for the TKO, but Madison counters and hits her finish for the pin in 3:41.  Yeah, this wasn’t good.

Velvet Sky goes into Sarita & Rosita’s locker room.  She accepts Sarita’s challenge to put her career on the line next week.  Sarita promises there will be no funny business.  After Velvet leaves, Sarita laughs about how she’s going to cheat.

The super important three-way is next.

Matt Morgan talks about Hernandez.

Jeff Jarrett gets fitted for his tux.

They decide to replay JWoww beating up Cookie months ago while the Beautiful People beat up Robbie E.  Why the fuck did I need to be reminded of this horror?  They’re going to bring in some other tramp from that stupid show to call out the original tramp from that stupid show.

Three-Way Match: Rob Van Dam vs. Ken Anderson vs. Kurt Angle.  RVD and Angle double team Anderson for a while.  Angle spears the post and falls to the floor.  RVD continues beating up Anderson.  Angle returns and clotheslines Anderson.  RVD clotheslines Angle and hits the Rolling Thunder.  Anderson beats up RVD.  Anderson hits a neckbreaker.  Angle makes the save and suplexes Anderson.  Angle and Anderson brawl.  Angle sends Anderson outside.  RVD comes back in.  They lock up and go at it.  Anderson low bridges RVD out of the ring.  RVD drops Anderson with a kick for 2.  Angle trips Anderson and pulls him out of the ring.  They brawl at ringside.  RVD hits them with a dive.  Insta-commercials.  Anderson is out on the floor.  RVD hits Angle with a diving kick and a standing moonsault for 2.  RVD sends Angle out of the ring.  Anderson attacks RVD and hits a backdrop suplex.  Anderson hits a knee drop for 2.  Anderson works RVD’s arm.  RVD kicks Anderson in the head and connects with a springboard kick.  Angle comes back in and runs wild with suplexes aplenty.  Angle Slam to Anderson.  RVD superkicks Angle and goes up top.  Angle springs up and arm drags him down.  RVD goes to the floor.  Angle counters the Mic Check and hits an Exploder.  Angle goes for the ankle lock, but the Wedding March plays.  Jeff and Karen Jarrett come out all dressed up.  Anderson hits Angle with the Mic Check for the pin (9:19 shown).  This was kind of a mess.

Hype for next week’s iMPACT!, which I’m sure will be an overbooked piece of crap.

They play a video obviously hyping the return of Sting, with the dates 3/3/11, which is clearly a rip off the 2/21/11 campaign WWE did to hype Undertaker’s return.

Horrible show.  Thank God it’s over.

TNA iMPACT! 2/17/11

Recap of recent goings on.  Tonight, Rob Van Dam finally gets Jeff Hardy for the World Title!

“The Boy Is Back In Town”

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

Eric Bischoff, Matt Hardy, Rob Terry, Gunner, and Murphy of Immortal come out.  Bischoff introduces the NEW TNA World Heavyweight Champion Jeff Hardy.  Bischoff starts to blather on.  They show a PIP of Ric Flair arriving backstage.  He talks about RVD/Hardy tonight, then bitches about Flair being AWOL recently.  Flair comes out, helped into the ring by So Cal Val, and bitches at Bischoff for telling him what to do because he’s Ric Flair, dammit!  Flair leaves.

Video of Jeff and Karen Jarrett getting massages and being pretentious assholes.  It lasts way too long.  And we’ll probably get 30 of these tonight.  Commercials.

AJ Styles and Matt Hardy brawl backstage.  Gunner and Murphy jump Styles.  The rest of Fortune make the save.  Rob Terry joins in.  Scott Steiner is there too.  Al Snow, Pat Kenney, D’Lo Brown, and geeks try to break it up.

Tenay and Taz talk about Against All Odds.

Hernandez, Sarita, and Rosita make friends backstage.  I understood most of Sarita’s Spanish!

Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Doug Williams comes out.  Hernandez jumps him in the aisle and destroys him.

Doug Williams vs. Hernandez (w/ Sarita & Rosita).  Hernandez continues destroying Williams.  Velvet Sky runs out to attack Sarita for talking shit.  Rosita beats up Velvet.  Angelina Love makes the save.  Meanwhile, Hernandez chokes Williams with his shirt.  Hernandez hits the Border Toss which drops Williams RIGHT ON HIS FUCKING HEAD for the pin in 1:59.  What a mess.

Eric Bischoff is on the phone trying to get the network to cancel the Hardy/RVD match tonight.  He fails.  Commercials.

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero is in the ring with a roast pig with an apple in its mouth.  He talks for a while.  He calls the pig “Sloppy Joe” and claims to be Jesus.  Samoa Joe comes out to put a stop to this stupidity.  Okato appears on the apron and delivers a kick to Pope.  Joe kicks Pope’s ass and hits the Muscle  Buster through the buffet table.  Thank you, Joe!  Joe puts the apple in Pope’s mouth.  Hah!

Tonight, Jeff Hardy defends the World Championship against RVD!  Commercials!

Robbie E. and Cookie are obnoxious.  Kazarian kisses his wife Traci Brooks backstage before heading to the ring.  Kazarian cuts a promo about bringing back the X Division.  He challenges Robbie to send Cookie to the back and have a straight match with him.  Robbie agrees.

TNA X Division Championship Match: Kazarian (c) vs. Robbie E.  Robbie goes on the attack early.  Kazarian fires back and kicks Robbie in the head.  There’s a random horn honking sound.  Kazarian hits a springboard elbow smash for 2.  Kazarian lands a spin kick and goes for the Fade To Black.  Cookie comes back in and hits Kazarian with a giant purse to cause the DQ in 1:47.  Robbie and Cookie attack Kazarian.  Traci Brooks runs in and kicks Cookie’s ass.  Glad that crap is over.

Ric Flair visits with Fortune.  He’s playing both sides of the Immortal/Fortune game, apparently.  He ices all of them.

Styles vs. Hardy NEXT!  Commercials!

Matt Hardy vs. AJ Styles.  They brawl.  Styles throws Hardy out of the ring and hits an awesome suicide dive.  Hardy gets the advantage in a ringside brawl.  Back inside, Hardy hits the Side Effect for 2.  Ric Flair comes out.  Hardy grabs a cravat.  Hardy rakes Styles’ eyes.  Styles gets pissed off and kicks Hardy’s ass.  Hardy counters the Styles Clash.  Styles does the drop down, leap frog, dropkick.  Styles goes for the springboard forearm, but Flair turns and trips him.  Hardy hits the Twist of Hate for the pin in 3:23.  Flair and Hardy beat up Styles.  Fortune run off Flair and Hardy.  The match wasn’t much of anything.

Ken Anderson is here and he’s pissed off.  Commercials.

Jeff and Karen are obnoxious in a hot tub.

Ken Anderson comes out and calls out Eric Bischoff.  Bischoff comes out.  Anderson bitches about not getting his championship rematch tonight.  Bischoff blames The Network.  Is Cyrus going to show up?  Because that would probably rule.  Anyway, they argue.  Bischoff makes Anderson the guest referee in the main event tonight, with the logic that he’ll help Hardy win to have another chance at Hardy.  Anderson agrees, then gives Bischoff the Mic Check.

Velvet Sky and Winter bicker backstage.  Winter grabs some scissors.  Angelina comes in and tells Winter to chill.  Hehe… Winter chill…

Tonight, Hardy vs. RVD.  Up next, women’s tag match.  Commercials.

House shows!

AJ Styles rants and raves about Flair backstage.  He wants Flair next week.

The Beautiful People (TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champion Angelina Love & Velvet Sky) vs. Sarita & Rosita.  They brawl in the aisle.  They brawl in the ring.  Velvet beats up Sarita.  Love and Rosita tag in.  BP double team Rosita.  Sarita comes in and Love throws her outside.  Rosita tries to rally.  Love gives her the World’s Weakest Slam.  Sarita tags in.  Love hits a wonky move for 2.  Velvet tags in.  Sarita kicks her in the pussy, wiggles her ass, and tags out.  Sky overcomes a double team.  Rosita hits a jawbreaker.  Sarita tags in.  Sky gives her a shitty hip toss into the ring.  Sky goes for a DDT, but Rosita stops her.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Rosita trips Sky from the outside.  Sarita pins Sky with her feet on the ropes in 3:49.  This was fucking atrocious.  Velvet challenges Sarita to a match with no cheating allowed.  Sarita says Velvet is a joke, which is true, and challenges her to put her career on the line.  Sky agrees.  Please win, Sarita!

Jeff and Karen are obnoxious somewhere else.

Kurt Angle is going to where Karen and Jeff are.

Tonight, RVD vs. Hardy with Anderson as ref.  Commercials.

TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne and Tara are obnoxious backstage.  She’s issued an open challenge to anyone in the world.

Scott Steiner talks about having a pose off with Rob Terry next week.  Ugh.

Rob Van Dam/Jeff Hardy video package.

Jeff and Karen are obnoxious at dinner.  Kurt Angle shows up.  Jeff and Karen run away.  That was pointless.

Rob Van Dam talks backstage.

The main event is NEXT!  Commercials.

Tenay and Taz talk about what happened at the PPV with Bully Ray, Brother Devon, and Devon’s sons.  Bully Ray comes out to be an asshole.  Taz tells him to STFU and GTFO.  They argue.  Ray slaps Tenay in the back of the head just to be a dick.

Ken Anderson comes out and does his intro.  It’s main event time!

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: Jeff Hardy (c) vs. Rob Van Dam.  Ken Anderson is the guest referee.  They lock up.  RVD goes into karate mode, then into judo mode.  Hardy hides in the ropes.  RVD drops him crotch-first into the ropes and hits the flying kick.  RVD front suplexes Hardy into the guardrail and hits the MOTHERFUCKING GUARDRAIL LEG DROP~!  Commercials.  RVD hits a slingshot leg drop to the apron, then another one back into the ring for 2.  RVD hits a front slam and goes for the split legged moonsault, but Hardy gets his knees up.  Hardy dropkicks Hardy into the post and out of the ring.  Back inside, Hardy hits a front suplex for 2.  Hardy applies a rear chin lock.  RVD avoids the Whisper In The Wind and hits a standing moonsault.  RVD makes his comeback and hits the Rolling Thunder for 2.  RVD hits his swank leg roll cradle for 2, then kicks Hardy in the face.  RVD goes up top.  Hardy pushes him off into the barricade.  Back inside, Hardy hits the Swanton Bomb for the… RVD kicks out!  Hardy and Anderson argue.  RVD hits a chin crusher and spin kick, then the Five Star Frog Splash.  Hardy gets his foot on the bottom rope.  Hardy accidentally bumps into Anderson.  Anderson glares at him.  Hardy kicks RVD in the balls where Anderson can’t see it, then hits the Twist of Hate for the pin in 12:12.  Pretty good match.  Anderson raises Hardy’s hand, then gives him the Mic Check.  RVD and Anderson argue.  Anderson gives RVD the Mic Check too.

Aside from a decent main event, this show was fucking atrocious.  After a run of watchable shows, this was pretty much back to business as usual for iMPACT!

TNA iMPACT! 1/27/11

Video package of recent goings on.

“Crimson Sees Red”

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Kurt Angle comes out and cuts a promo about what went on last week.  He talks about how he was supposed to retire, but now he’s back, for the fans, or so he can beat up Jeff Jarrett.  Immortal come out: Eric Bischoff, Ric Flair, Jeff and Karent Jarrett, TNA World Tag Team Champions Beer Money, TNA X Division Champion Kazarian, AJ Styles, Rob Terry, Gunner, and Murphy.  Bischoff isn’t buying this shit.  He sends the troops to kick Angle’s ass.  Storm prepares to hit Angle with a beer bottle.  Crimson appears and chases Immortal off with a baseball bat.  Flair cuts a promo on them.  Flair books Angle & Crimson vs. Jarrett, Beer Money, Kazarian, Gunner, Murphy, and Terry for tonight.

Eric Bischoff bitches at Ric Flair in the office.  Flair bitches right back, and he’s Ric Flair, so his bitching is awesome.

Tonight, Angle & Crimson vs. everybody!  Dixie Carter speaks!  Mr. Anderson vs. Matt Hardy!

Entrances for the clusterfuck women’s match.  Winter throws a fit backstage because Angelina is teaming with Velvet tonight.

Elimination Match: TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne, Tara, & Sarita vs. Mickie James & The Beautiful People (TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champion Angelina Love & Velvet Sky).  Everybody brawls.  The match finally starts with Tara beating up Angelina.  Angelina twists Tara’s injured arm.  Rayne tags in and gets hip tossed.  Angelina hits a World’s Strongest Slam.  Rayne goes for her finish, but Love counters.  Mickie and Sarita tag in and trade arm locks.  Velvet tags in and renews her war against Sarita.  Sarita counters a headscissors into a backbreaker.  Velvet hits a cross-armed Edge-O-Matic.  Clusterfuck ensues.  Sarita pins Velvet with a schoolgirl in 2:55.  Tara clocks Mickie with the elbow brace.  Mickie avoids a shot with the loaded glove.  Mickie pins Rayne in 3:47.  Sarita pins Mickie in 3:55.  Love gets Sarita with an inside cradle for 2.  Insta-commercials.  Love drops Sarita with a roundhouse kick for 2.  They make a big deal out of how Madison landed on her own glove leading to her elimination, even though she didn’t really and that doesn’t even make sense.  Velvet has been hurt backstage.  I’m sure Winter did it.  Love counters Sarita’s TKO and hits a Complete Shot Stunner deal.  Tara conks Love with the elbow brace.  Sarita covers for 2.  Tara and Sarita work over Love.  Love rallies and hits Tara with the Botox Injection for the pin (9:12 shown).  Sarita gets a reverse cradle, but Love reverses it for the pin (9:24 shown).  This was crap.  Are you surprised?

Kurt Angle is on the phone.  He tells someone that he needs them here.

Matt Hardy talks backstage.

TNA X Division Champion Kazarian has joined Tenay and Taz for commentary.  They’re doing some convoluted #1 Contender Series.

X Division #1 Contender Qualifying Three-Way Match: Amazing Red vs. Max Buck (w/ Jeremy Buck) vs. Chris Sabin.  Kazarian is pretty funny on commentary.  Brief 3-way clusterfuck.  Red and Sabin do a fast paced exchange to a stalemate.  Max attacks them.  Red gives Max a flying headscissors to send him outside.  Sabin drops Red with a clothesline for 2.  Sabin hits a dive on Max.  Back inside, Max avoids a springboard and pokes Sabin in the eye.  Max sends Red outside and works over Sabin.  Basement dropkick gets 2.  Max applies a rear chin lock.  Red comes in and hits both of them with a dropkick.  Red hits Max with a rana and a fancy whirling DDT.  Red tries to springboard, but Sabin catches him with a stalling suplex for 2.  That was cool.  Max hits Sabin with a cool wheelbarrow face plant for 2.  Red hits the Code Red on Sabin.  Jeremy distracts the referee.  Red decks him and goes up top.  Jeremy crotches him on the top rope.  Max hits a DDT OF MURDER on Red for the pin in 5:10.  Fun little spot fest.

Jeff and Karen Jarrett bitch at each other.  “He was on the phone!” Karen yells.

Still to come, Dixie Carter speaks!  Matt Hardy vs. Mr. Anderson!

Jeff Hardy is headed our way!

Velvet Sky yells at Angelina Love about how Winter attacked her.

Mr. Anderson/Jeff Hardy video package.

Jeff Hardy comes out to cut a promo.  He says a bunch of stupid things about how the people don’t care about him, even though he was one of the post popular babyfaces in years.  He talks shit about Anderson.  TNA World Heavyweight Champion Ken Anderson himself comes out to retort.  He’s an asshole, he’ll keep the title, etc.

Crimson talks backstage.

They show how Crimson killed Abyss with the nail board last week.

Velvet Sky comes out and calls out Winter.  Winter comes out.  They fight, since it’s been a few weeks since we had a knockouts brawl that went way too long.  Winter gets the better of it.  Angelina Love comes out to break it up.  Velvet throws a fit.

Still to come, Hardy vs. Anderson!  Angle & Crimson vs. everybody!

The Pope is headed our way!

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero comes out to cut a promo.  He says he’s going to confess.  He talks about not being able to stand your wife, or something.  His confession is that he doesn’t like Samoa Joe.  He wants a fan to confess something next week.  This is fucking stupid.

Ric Flair lectures Immortal backstage.  Eric Young is there for some reason.  Flair yells at him for being an idiot.

Dixie Carter speaks NEXT!

Video package of this whole retarded “THEY” angle.

Tenay and Taz talk to Dixie Carter on the phone.  She’s confident that the legal ruling will be in her favor.  Then they talk to Eric Bischoff.

Anderson vs. Hardy is NEXT!

Non-Title: Matt Hardy vs. TNA World Heavyweight Champion Ken Anderson.  They lock up, then brawl.  Hardy goes up top.  Anderson cuts him off and goes for a superplex.  Hardy drops down and pulls Anderson’s arm over the top rope.  Hardy viciously works Anderson’s arm.  Anderon rallies and hits a swinging neckbreaker for 2.  Anderson goes for the Lambeau Leap, but Hardy counters and hits an F-U of all things.  Anderson counters the Twist of Hate and hits the Lambeau Leap for 2.  Hardy counters the Mic Check and hits the Side Effect for 2.  Anderson turns the cover into a crucifix hold for the pin in 4:07.  Not too bad.  Jeff Hardy appears and attacks Anderson.  The Hardys beat down Anderson.  Rob Van Dam runs in to make the save.  Jeff runs away through the crowd.

Kurt Angle tells Crimson that they won’t be alone out there.  It’s NEXT!

Handicap Match: Kurt Angle & Crimson vs. Immortal (Jeff Jarrett, TNA World Tag Team Champions Beer Money, TNA X Division Champion Kazarian, Rob Terry, Gunner, & Murphy) (w/ Ric Flair & AJ Styles).  Jeff Jarrett was supposed to be out here, but he isn’t.  Roode beats up Crimson.  Crimson rallies and runs wild.  He’s actually pretty impressive.  Angle tags in.  Roode cuts him off and tags in Kazarian.  Angle rallies and hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker.  Storm tags in.  Angle gives him a belly to belly suplex, then decks everyone on the apron.  Storm hits a Lung Blower.  Flair hops around on the apron.  Angle ducks Storm’s superkick, which nails the referee.  Angle hits the Angle Slam on Storm.  6 on 2 clusterfuck ensues.  Now that Angle is in trouble, Jeff Jarrett (w/ Karen Jarrett) comes out to join the match.  Angle rallies and drills Jarrett with a German suplex.  Everyone beats on Angle some more.  Jarrett hits the Stroke on Angle.  Another referee comes out to count the pin in 4:24.

Immortal continues the beatdown.  Matt Morgan tries to make the save, but he is overcome too.  The lights go out.  Sirens blare.  SCOTT STEINER appears in the ring with a lead pipe.  Immortal head for the hills.  Steiner’s ready to kick some ass.

This show was only mediocre, which is pretty good for iMPACT!

TNA iMPACT! 1/20/11

Kurt Angle/Jeff Jarrett/Karen Jarrett video package.

“Dirty Laundry”

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.  Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.

Kurt Angle arrives, walks into the building, and orders a production guy to play his music.  Angle walks out to the ring and cuts a promo.  He wants to bury the hatchet with Karen for the sake of his kids.  Jeff Jarrett’s music plays and his geeks come out.  Angle kicks their asses before they can get into the ring and screams for Jarrett to come out.  Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair come out instead.  They send out some rent-a-cops, who escort Angle out of the building.  Okay then…  Commercials.

Moments ago, ^ happened.

Jeff and Karen Jarrett arrive and feign disappointment that Angle has been kicked out.

Non-Title Four-Way Match: Sarita vs. Velvet Sky vs. Mickie James vs. TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne.  Mickie and Velvet argue over who is going to start, because this is TNA so the four-way has stupid tag rules.  They say “fuck it” and attack their respective enemies on the outside.  Mickie beats up Madison in the ring.  Sarita tags in and gets flapjacked by Mickie.  Velvet tags herself in and attacks Sarita bitch-style.  Rayne cheap shots Sky from the apron.  Sky decks her.  Sarita throws Velvet around.  Velvet hits a flying head scissors on Sarita.  Madison knocks Mickie off the apron.  Madison and Sarita try to double team Velvet, but Mickie saves.  Clusterfuck.  Velvet takes out Sarita.  Mickie gives Madison a neckbreaker and goes up top.  The referee it outside with Velvet and Sarita.  Tara appears and clocks Mickie with the elbow brace.  Sarita and Velvet come back in and conk heads.  Madison clocks Velvet with the loaded glove.  Mickie gets Madison with a reverse cradle for the pin in 4:28.  This wasn’t any good.  Madison throws a fit.

Beer Money chat backstage.  Storm does curls with beer bottles.

Tonight, Beer Money vs. Anderson & RVD!

Kurt Angle is walking around backstage.  I thought the rent-a-cops escorted him out?  Commercials.

Samoa Joe talks to Kazuchika Okada, who’s been video taping Pope for him.  Poor Okada…

Ric Flair and Rob Terry come out.  Flair cuts a promo about Terry’s sexual prowess, then calls out Matt Morgan.

“The Freak” Rob Terry (w/ Ric Flair) vs. “The Blueprint” Matt Morgan.  They show Morgan beating Abyss last week, then being jumped by Flair and Terry.  Terry gets instructions from Flair.  Morgan hits the Carbon Footprint for the pin in 11 seconds.  Morgan goes after Flair.  Flair throws ineffective punches and chops, then begs off.  Abyss runs in and jumps Morgan.  Morgan rallies and drops him with the discus lariat.  Terry wakes up and immediately gets side slammed.  Morgan goes for Flair, but Abyss jumps him again.  Morgan rallies and takes out Abyss and Terry again.  Terry takes out Morgan’s knee.  The heels finally get the better of Morgan and beat him down.  Abyss and Terry hit a double chokeslam.

Video package of TNA stars at New Japan “Wrestle Kingdom V In Tokyo Dome.”

Tonight, Jeff Hardy vs. Tommy Dreamer!  Beer Money vs. Anderson & RVD!

AJ Styles gives TNA X Division Champion Kazarian a pep talk backstage.  Kazarian leaves.  Crimson appears and chokes AJ with a wire, then tells him “they’re coming” in 2 weeks.  Commercials.

Kurt Angle is still stalking around backstage.

TNA X Division Championship Match: Kazarian (c) vs. Jay Lethal.  Lethal slingshots Kazarian into the ring and runs wild on him.  Kazarian bails.  Lethal follows and beats him up at ringside.  Back inside, Lethal hits a springboard missile dropkick for 2.  Lethal goes for the Lethal Injection, but Kazarian counters and finally mounts some offense.  Lethal hits the handspring elbow smash for 2.  Lethal hits the Lethal Combination, then goes up top and hits the diving elbow drop for 2.  Kazarian rolls to the floor.  Lethal throws Kazarian back into the ring.  Kazarian gouges his eyes.  Lethal goes for a sunset flip.  Kazarian squashes it, grabs the ropes, and gets the pin in 4:33.  Not much of a match, which is sad when you consider how good their PPV match was.

Ken Anderson, Rob Van Dam, and Tommy Dreamer chat backstage.

The Jarretts are headed our way.

Kurt Angle finds a door into the arena.  Commercials.

Jeff and Karen Jarrett come to the ring.  Jeff puts over his wife.  Karen bashes Kurt Angle.  Angle sneaks into the ring and gives Jarrett a German suplex.  Kurt and Karen stare at each other.  Karen slaps him.  Jarrett hits Angle in the balls, then beats him up and leaves him laying.  Commercials.

Moments ago, ^ happened.

Kurt Angle beats up trash cans backstage.

Tommy Dreamer vs. Jeff Hardy.  Hardy beats up Dreamer.  Dreamer avoids a drop kick and leg drops Hardy’s balls.  Dreamer clotheslines Hardy out of the ring, then hits a clothesline off the apron.  Dreamer beats up Hardy on the outside until Hardy gives him a sort of arm drag off the apron.  Hardy beats up Dreamer back inside.  Hardy hits an innovated dropkick to the balls, then clamps on a rear chin lock.  Dreamer makes his comeback.  Hardy tries to rally, but Dreamer avoids the Whisper In The Wind.  Dreamer goes for a dive, but Hardy catches him with a kick.  Dreamer counters the Twist of Hate and hits the Spiccoli Driver.  Hardy gets a foot on the rope.  Hardy gets another low blow and hits the Twist of Hate for the pin in 4:21.  This wasn’t very good either.

Kurt Angle is stalking around backstage with a baseball bat.

Beer Money vs. Anderson & RVD is NEXT!  Commercials.

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero talks on the phone backstage.  He wants to use some guy’s computer for his illicit business dealings.  He uses his phone to call the guy, then steals his laptop when the guy walks outside to get service.

AJ Styles tries to tell Ric Flair what happened to him earlier.  Flair “ices” Styles.  Kurt Angle appears and hits Style with his bat.  Flair begs off.  Angle chokes him and tells him to make sure Jarrett comes to the ring to fight him.

Non-Title: TNA World Tag Team Champions Beer Money vs. TNA World Heavyweight Champion Ken Anderson & Rob Van Dam.  Entrances, commercials, bell.  Roode and RVD brawl.  RVD does his weird leg cradle for 2.  RVD hits a standing moonsault for 2.  Roode counters a monkey flip and sets RVD on the top turnbuckle.  They horrible botch a diving schoolboy.  Anderson tags in and hits a lariat for 2.  Storm tags in and gets schooled by Anderson.  Anderson hits a spinning neckbreaker for 2.  Anderson runs into the turnbuckles, then gets clotheslined by Roode in the apron.  Roode tags in and works over Anderson.  Roode hits a knee drop for 2.  Beer Money get the heat on Anderson and work over his previously concussed head.  Anderson rallies and spikes Roode with a DDT.  Storm and RVD tag in.  RVD runs wild, back body drops an interfering Roode, and hits Storm with the flying kick.  RVD goes for Rolling Thunder, but Roode trips him.  Storm hits a Lung Blower for 2.  Beer Money go for the double suplex, but Anderson intervenes and takes Roode to the floor.  Roode sends Anderson into the steps.  RVD drops Storm with a kick and goes up top.  Roode tries to intervene, but fails.  RVD hits the Five Star Frog Splash on Storm.  Jeff Hardy comes out to distract the referee.  Matt Hardy sneaks in and hits RVD the Twist of Hate.  Storm pins RVD in 8:08.  Okayish match, but still not that good.

Brian Kendrick tries to help Bully Ray with his anger management.  Ray shoves him into some lockers instead.  That dick.  Commercials.

Ric Flair and Jeff Jarrett yell at each other in the office.  Eric Bischoff tells Jarrett to “trust him” and go to the ring.

Brother Devon comes out and calls out Bully Ray.  Ray comes out and challenges Devon to fight him at ringside.  Brian Kendrick comes out and throws Ray in the ring.  Devon beats up Ray.  Ray tries to use a chain, but Devon kicks his ass and takes it.  Security comes out to break it up, so of course Bubba jumps him from behind.  Bubba beats up security, scares So Cal Val, and brings in a chair.  Where the hell did Kendrick go?  Bubba sandwiches Devon’s head in the chair and whips it with his chain.  That dick!

Kurt Angle is headed our way!  Commercials!

Kurt Angle is in the ring.  Jeff Jarrett, Gunner, and Murphy come out.  Jarrett is in his ring gear for some reason, but is reluctant to fight.  He sends Gunner and Murphy instead.  Angle kicks their asses.  They finally get the advantage, so Jarrett joins in on the beatdown.  Angle rallies, throws out Gunner and Murphy, and puts Jarrett in a rear naked choke.  Karen Jarrett comes out to scream at Angle.  Immortal come out and beat down Angle.  Abyss comes out to the stage and falls down.  He has the nail board stuck in his back.  WTF?  Crimson appears and yells that “THEY’RE COMING” on February 3.  Angle takes advantage of the distraction to start kicking ass.  Angle gets Flair in the ankle lock until Immortal pull him to safety.

This show wasn’t good, but I’ve seen far worse.