TNA iMPACT! 3/24/11
The usual video of recent happenings… which this week is auto tuned for some damn reason.
“Do The Math”
Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.
Ken Anderson and some old guy in a suit come out to the ring. Anderson introduces the guy as Professor Shubert, a mathematician from the University of Wisconsin, Green Bay. They have a dry erase board in the ring, which they use to do math explaining that Anderson wants his title rematch. I have no fucking idea what’s going on. Anderson says that the professor once told a girl with a big ass that Anderson was gay so he could bang her instead. I’m completely fucking serious. Anderson gives the guy the Mic Check. Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff come out. Bischoff says Hogan sees something in Anderson, but he doesn’t. Hogan talks about how he likes Anderson, then talks about how he’s being a dick, so he’s not getting a title shot until he earns it, because the rematch he’s already supposed to get was signed by Dixie Carter. Man, this is convoluted. Hogan books Anderson vs. RVD again tonight. Anderson says RVD isn’t in his league. Rob Van Dam comes out to retort. Insta-commercials.
Anderson, Hogan, Bischoff, and RVD are in the ring. RVD says “This is pro wrestling. Someone talks smack about you, your music plays and you have to respond.” Awesome. They bicker. RVD says he doesn’t know why he even signed with TNA. Yes, he said that. He bitches at Hogan for a while. TNA World Heavyweight Champion Sting comes out and says the Network told him he’s the special enforcer in the #1 Contender match. Wonderful.
Tonight, Ric Flair challenges Fortune.
They show Bully Ray powerbombing AJ Styles off the stage last week. Mickie vs. Tara next.
Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.
Backstage, TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne orders Tara destroy Mickie “or else.” “Or else what?” Tara replies. Madison has no answer.
Mickie James vs. Tara. Mickie beals Tara into the ring and kicks her ass. Mickie hits a flapjack and nips up, which is oddly hot. Tara lands a snug looking knee to the face, then a standing moonsault, which was also oddly hot, for 2. Mickie catches Tara with an elbow smash and goes for a rana, but Tara powerbombs her for 2. Tara goes up top. Mickie hits the ropes and crotches her, which is not hot. Mickie goes for a Frankensteiner, I think, but ends up sitting in her lap. Not sure if that was a botch or not. Tara hits an avalance-style crab hold, which I don’t think I’ve ever seen before. Mickie gets a rope break. Tara goes for the Widow’s Peak, but Mickie counters into a nasty looking DDT for the pin in 3:17. Best TNA women’s match in a LONG time, and Velvet Sky was nowhere to be seen. I smell a correlation. TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne comes out onstage to glare unhappily, then gives a nasty smile.
Sting and Ken Anderson encounter each other backstage. Anderson is mad that Sting “stole” his title shot when he won the title. Sting said the Network gave it to him. Anderson asks for a name. Sting says it’s simply “The Network.”
Tonight, Ric Flair challenges Fortune! Anderson vs. RVD again. Meh to that.
Replay of the worst segment of all time from last week, with The Pope abusing and preparing to rape Okato. They’re so proud of this abortion, they’re showing it again.
Samoa Joe and Okato chat backstage.
Okato vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero. Okato lands a dropkick and goes on the attack. Pope avoids an awkward looking missile dropkick and beats up Okato. Pope takes off his boot and hits Okato with it, then pulls off his glove to reveal several rings. Pope punches Okato with the rings and gets DQ’d in 2:21. Pope coninutes to kick Okato’s ass, then decks the referee. Samoa Joe runs off Pope.
Tonight, Flair’s challenge and RVD vs. Anderson
Sting video package.
Kurt Angle talks about his kids and the match with Jarrett at Lockdown.
Flair’s challenge is NEXT!
Rob Van Dam and Hulk Hogan chat in the office. Hogan says RVD is his guy, which is the opposite of what he told Anderson earlier. RVD buys it, which proves he wasn’t watching the promo, but then how did he known Anderson was talking shit about him? Did his music play and he just ASSUMED? WTF is wrong with this company? Hogan leaves and RVD calls him an idiot. He’s right in this case.
Ric Flair, Matt Hardy, and Bully Ray come out. They cut promos. Hardy looks ridiculous with his stupid dreadlocks and sunglasses perched on top of his head. Bully Ray challenges Fortune to a match at Lockdown, “the four of us against the three of you.” Does Bully have a mouse in his pocket? Fortune: TNA X Division Champion Kazarian and TNA World Tag Team Champions Beer Money hit the ring and kick their asses. The lights go funny. Abyss appears to make the save for the heels. ONE WEEK AFTER ABYSS WAS STRIPPED OF THE TV TITLE FOR BEING TOO INJURED TO WRESTLE. HE’S BACK AND HE’S PERFECTLY FUCKING FINE. With the odds now safely in their favor, Immortal beat up Fortune 4 on 3.
House shows.
Moments ago, ^^ happened.
Abyss cuts a mine babyface promo backstage, which would be great if he wasn’t supposed to be a monster heel.
Tonight, and RVD/Anderson match I don’t fucking care about.
Mexican America come out: Hernandez, some other guy, and TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions Sarita & Rosita. They all throw out some really awkward sounding Spanish. The new guy’s name is El Anarquia, which I don’t think makes any sense. They roll out a Mexican flag. The challenge Matt Morgan to a Street Fight. Morgan and Brother Devon come out to accept the challenge.
Street Fight: Hernandez & Anarquia (w/ TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions Sarita & Rosita) vs. Matt Morgan & Brother Devon. Morgan and Hernandez brawl outside. Devon beats up Anarquia. Devon hits a sidewalk slam for 2, then clotheslines Anarquia out of the ring. Morgan and Hernandez come back in to brawl. Morgan hits a fall away slam and the revolving elbows in the corner. Morgan clotheslines Hernandez to the floor. Sarita and Rosita talk shit to Morgan and Devon. Sarita tances, which is pretty hot. Velvet Sky comes out and attacks them. Joy. Velvet, who was stupid enough to attack 2 women, gets beaten down. Angelina Love walks out looking like she just got a fresh botox injection. Winter comes out and screams at her. Angelina walks back to her. So Winter is controlling Angelina’s mind now? Meanwhile, Devon hits Anarquia with a shoulder block. Morgan finally saves Velvet. Anarquia hits Devon with an object and gets the pin in 3:40. What a fucking mess.
Tonight, Anderson/RVD. Ugh.
Ink Inc. vs. Scott Steiner & Crimson. Steiner beats up Neal. Steiner can still throw an awesome belly to belly suplex. He does so, then hits a Steiner Line and an elbow drop, then does push ups. Crimson tags in. Double shoulder block. Crimson hits a a Falcon Arrow for 2. Crimson boots Neal out of the ring. Moore tags in and gets his ass kicked. Moore avoids Crimson in the corner. Crimson catches Moore and slams him down. Moore hits a moonsault body block, then yells at Neal for still being on the outside. Neal dives, but Crimson catches him and hits the Red Alert for the pin in 3:03. Total squash. Neal shows respect to Steiner and Crimson after the match. Moore wipes his ass with Steiner’s beer tag head dress, throws it at him, and runs away. Steiner is pissed, and that’s damned scary. Lots of beeped out swearing.
RVD/Anderson video package. I’m not excited to see them have anything abysmal match.
TNA World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contender Match: Rob Van Dam vs. Ken Anderson. TNA World Heavyweight Champion Sting is the special enforcer. They trade headlocks and hammerlocks. The mutants obnoxiously chant about being assholes. They should chat “WE ARE RETARDS!” RVD hits a flying kick and a standing moonsault for 2. Anderson counters the Rolling Thunder and the monkey flip, then hits a neckbreaker for 2. Anderson hits an over the knee neckbreaker for 2. Anderson grabs a chin lock. Anderson accidentally clotheslines the ref and the ref does a 360 bump for it. RVD superkicks Anderson. Sting comes in to count 2. Anderson hits the Lambeau Leap for 2. RVD kicks Anderson in the face and makes his comeback. RVD hits the split legged moonsault for 2. Anderson bails to avoid the Rolling Thunder. RVD hits him with a slingshot dive. They brawl outside. Anderson throws a chair into the ring. Sting throws it out. Anderson kicks RVD in the balls and gives him the Mic Check into the post. Anderson gets in the ring and orders Sting to count. They argue, then start fighting. The bell rings despite nobody calling for it in 6:36. I assume RVD wins by DQ. Anderson and Sting brawl on the outside. Al Snow, Pat Kenney, and other geeks break them up. Insta-commercials.
They show replays of what just happened.
Rob Van Dam talks backstage. He seems to concussed and doesn’t remember that he just had a match. He has no idea what’s going on. The camera man tries to explain it to him. He still thinks he’s getting ready for a match.
Ken Anderson throws a temper tantrum backstage.
Sting says he didn’t ring the bell. Obviously. Nobody knows what the hell happened. Anderson comes up to yell at him. They start brawling again. Al Snow, Pat Kenney, and D’Lo Brown break them up. Anderson says the Wizard of Oz rang the bell. Seriously. The show ends. Thank God.
Horrible show. Better than last week’s show, but that’s like saying HIV is better than AIDS.
NWA Clash of the Champions V: St. Valentine’s Massacre
Cool opening video. Clash of the Champions open. We’re LIVE from Cleveland, Ohio. Jim Ross and Magnum T.A. hype up the show. The ring announcer is… a guy I don’t recognize.
The Russian Assassins (w/ Paul Jones) vs. The Midnight Express (w/ Jim Cornette). Lane feigns some of his hokey karate crap. The Russian pushes him across the ring. They lock up. Lane does his hokey karate crap. Eaton tags in and works the Russian’s arm. The Russian slams Eaton and tags in the other Russian. Ross says it’s #2. Lane tags in and heats a weak clothesline. MX double team Russian Assassin #2. We get an inset promo from Paul E. Dangerously while the match is going on. Jones takes his coat off and acts like he wants to fight Cornette. Lane hits Jones with hokey karate kicks. The Russians console Jones. Paul E. joins Ross and Magnum for commentary. The MX clean house. Cornette hits one of the Russians with the tennis racket on the outside. The Russians fail to get any heat going. They pull the switcheroo and get the advantage on Lane. Lane is sent outside. Cornette threatens Jones with the tennis racket to keep him from getting in a cheap shot… just like Cornette got in a few minutes ago. The Russians get the heat on Lane. It’s boring. Lane catches one of them with a cross body for 2. That’s called a hope spot, kids! The Russians keep the heat on Lane. The legal one tries to apply a crab hold, falls over, and grabs the ropes to apply a half crab. Eaton makes the save. Russians try to double team Lane, but Eaton prevents it again. Eaton gets the hot tag and runs wild. Clusterfuck ensues. Paul E. leaves the booth. MX hit the Rocket Launcher on one of the Assassins. Eaton gets the pin in 13:15. This wasn’t any good. I normally like the MX, so the Russians must have sucked.
Bob Caudle interviews Ricky Steamboat, who is holding the baby who would grow up to be Richie Steamboat. They show video of Steamboat beating up Ric Flair.
Steve Casey vs. “Hacksaw” Butch Reed. They lock up. Reed pushes Casey into the ropes, then poses. Reed hits an arm drag and dances a bit. They lock up again. Reed pushes Casey into the ropes again. This time he doesn’t give a clean break. Casey hits a dropkick and an arm drag. Casey cranks on Reed’s arm. They trade arm locks. Casey wins that exchange and takes Reed down the mat, where he keeps working on the arm. Reed powers his way to his feet and backs Casey in the corner. Casey hits another arm drag. Reed slams Casey, but Casey holds on to the arm. Reed gets a rope break. Reed hides in the safety of being near the ropes for a bit. Reed gives Casey a taste of his own medicine by working his arm. Reed pulls Casey’s hair. Casey hits an arm drag to reverse the momentum in the battle of who can hurt whose arm more. Reed pushes Casey into the ropes. Casey hits… another arm drag. Casey works the arm some more. Reed bails. After a bit of time wasting, Reed calls for a test of strength. Casey stupidly obliges. Reed wins the test of strength, of course. Casey finally escapes and gets a hammerlock. Reed gouges his face. Reed throws Casey out of the ring and poses. Casey gets back to the apron. Reed pulls his head across the top rope. Casey fights his way back into the ring and makes his comeback. Reed cuts him off with a forearm to the back of the head and applies a camel clutch. It transitions into a rear chin lock. Said rear chin lock continues for some time. Casey tries to fight back again, but Reed throws him out of the ring again. This match has officially gone on longer than the MX match. Reed hits a suplex for 2. Reed argues with the referee. Casey tries to make his comeback, but Reed avoids a dropkick. Reed applies a rear chin lock again. He has a foot on the bottom rope just to be a dick. I’m pretty sure that would actually decrease your leverage, Magnum. Teddy Long accuses Reed of using the ropes. Nothing comes of that. Casey fights out of the rear chin lock and makes his comeback. Casey hits corner punches, a hip toss, and a monkey flip. Casey lands a couple of dropkicks. He goes for a cross body, but Reed catches him and press slams him. Reed goes up top and hits a diving shoulder block for the pin in 17:42. This would have been fine at 5 minutes. At almost 18, it was WAY too long and boring.
NWA World Heavyweight Champion Ric Flair comes out to the ring with Hiro Matsuda and a bunch of random women. Bob Caudle interviews him. Flair puts himself over and calls out Ricky Steamboat. He offers Caudle his pick of the women. Caudle isn’t interested. Steamboat comes out. Flair talks about how boring monogamy is and says he’ll beat Steamboat at the PPV on Monday. Steamboat talks about what a scumbag Flair is. Flair tells Steamboat to “go home and help the missus with the dishes.” Steamboat attacks Flair and they begin to fight. Caudle and women awkwardly stay in the ring. Steamboat rips off Flair’s suit and gives him a press slam and a back body drop, then hits the diving cross body and gets a phantom three count. Hiro Matsuda wakes up after being decked earlier and he and Flair double team Steamboat. Steamboat makes his own comeback, sends Flair out of the ring, and knocks him into the crowd. Steamboat comes back to the ring and puts on the tattered remains of Flair’s suit. The crowd approves. Steamboat rips it off and throws the pieces to the crowd, who still approve.
Coming up, The Road Warriors! The Total Package!
The Blackmailer (w/ Hiro Matsuda) vs. “The Total Package” Lex Luger. They lock up. Luger shoves Blackmailer across the ring. Repeat. Luger blocks a wrist lock. Blackmailer grabs a headlock. Luger throws him off and absorbs a shoulder block. Luger grabs a headlock, then drops Blackmailer with a shoulder block. Blackmailer bails. Back inside, the lock up again. Luger grabs a headlock again. Blackmailer tires of this shit and hits a backdrop suplex. Luger no-sells it. They stare at each other. They lock up again. Luger grabs another headlock. Blackmailer backs Luger into the corner and beats on him a bit. Luger reverses a whip, hits a back body drop, and does… a side headlock takeover. Luger lets go and the walk around and look at each other. They lock up again. Blackmailer lands some blows. Luger hits a powerslam. Luger does… another side headlock takeover. He works it for a while, then hits a press slam. Luger charges, but Blackmailer ducks and Luger tumbles out of the ring. Blackmailer pulls Luger’s neck into the top rope to keep him out of the ring. This match will never end at that rate. He chokes Luger against the ropes, then knocks him off the apron again. Luger hits a slingshot sunset flip for 2. They trade punches. Blackmailer scrapes Luger’s eyes and goes on the offensive. Blackmailer grabs a rear chin lock. Luger escapes and gets caught in the balls. Luger blocks a suplex attempt and hits one of his own. Blackmailer beats on Luger. Luger hulks up and makes his comeback. Luger hits a superplex for the pin in 13:02 to end it. That was a message to Barry Windham, who Luger will challenge for the United States title at Chi-Town Rumble. This pretty much sucked.
Still to come, the Varsity Club vs. The Fantastics.
Michael Hayes delivers NWA World Television Champion Rick Steiner to Bob Caudle for an interview. I’m pretty sure Steiner’s early gimmick was that he was borderline retarded.
NWA United States Tag Team Championship Match: Mike Rotunda & “Dr. Death” Steve Williams (c) of The Varsity Club (w/ Kevin Sullivan) vs. The Fantastics. Sullivan & Williams won the titles, but the Varsity Club is using the Freebirds rule. Rotundo and Rogers lock up. Rotundo hits a fireman’s carry. Rotundo takes him down. Rogers gets back to his feet. They stare at each other for a while. Rogers hits an arm drag. They stare at each other again. Rogers grabs a side headlock. Rotundo pulls his hair. Rotundo does the drop down, leap frog, and is met with a clothesline, which gets 2 for Rogers. Doc tags in and beats up Rogers, which is probably the most enjoyable thing on this show so far. Rogers avoids an elbow drop and tags in Fulton. The Fantastics hit a double dropkick. Fulton swivels his hips. They lock up. Doc hits a shoulder block, then takes Fulton down. We get an inset promo from Rick Steiner, who just had an interview 5 minutes ago. Fulton fights back, but Doc takes him down again. Rotundo takes in. Fulton gets a sunset flip for 2. Doc tags in. Rotundo takes Fulton down to keep him from making the tag. Fulton ducks some clotheslines and hits a cross body for 2. Rogers tags in and hits a dropkick. Doc recovers immediately and pounds on Rogers. Rogers takes a rough looking bump off of a back body drop. Rotundo tags in and lands an elbow smash on Rogers, then slaps Fulton. Rogers fights back and tags in Fulton. Fulton hits a knee lift for 2. Fulton hits corner punches. Doc decks Fulton and sends him to the floor. With the referee distracted, Williams drops Fulton across the guardrail. Fulton plays face in peril as the Varsity Club put a beating on him. Fulton gets his knees up to block a splash from Rotundo. Williams tags in and keeps Fulton from making the tag. Rogers comes in the ring to attack Doc and is immediately forced out by the referee. Fulton stays in the pressure cooker. Doc hits an impressive press slam and a football tackle. Fulton holds onto the ropes to avoid the Oklahoma Stampede and lands on top of Doc. Rogers gets the hot tag and RUNS WILD~! Rotundo trips Rogers from the outside. Rogers avoids an elbow drop and fights back, but gets sent to the floor. Fulton makes a comeback. Rogers hits a diving cross body on Doc. Rotundo stomps Rogers in the back of the head. Doc gets the pin on Rogers in 13:25. For the first time all show, I can say I enjoyed this match.
Up next, The Dragon in action!
Bob Bradley vs. Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat (w/ Bonnie & Richie Steamboat). Bradley talks trash. They shove each other. Steamboat ducks a punch and hits an atomic drop and some punches and a chop. Bradley bails. They lock up. Bradley hit a hip toss. They lock u p again. Bradley hits a body slam. Bradley hits an arm drag. Steamboat hits a hip toss and a few slams, then a pair of the best arm drags in the history of professional wrestling. Bradley bails. Steamboat slingshots him back into the apron and rams his face into the mat. Bradley bails again. Steamboat joins him and gets slammed on the floor and sent into the barricade. Back inside, Bradley rakes Steamboat’s eyes and hits a body slam. Bradley lands an elbow smash and another body slam, and a clothesline. Steamboat avoids Bradley in the corner. Bradley does the Flair flip. Steamboat hits an arm drag into an arm lock. Bradley telegraphs a back body drop. Steamboat succeeds with one, then hits another arm drag. The leap frog each other. Steamboat hits a hip toss and another arm drag. I will never complain about Ricky Steamboat doing arm drags. Bradly does a drop down, leap frog, leap frog, elbow smash. Bradley hits a sidewalk slam. Steamboat avoids a diving headbutt and drops Bradley with a chop. Steamboat hits a diving chop and a diving cross body for the pin in 6:24. See, kids? In the magical land of 1989, a guy getting a title shot on the next PPV wins matches to build himself up! What a novel concept. The match was okay.
Coming up, JYD, Sting, & Michael Hayes! Also, Rick Steiner.
Non-Title: Rip Morgan vs. NWA World Television Champion Rick Steiner. Morgan stomps the mat. Steiner bites his leg. We get an inset promo from Mike Rotundo while Morgan beats up Steiner. Steiner hits a Steiner Line and sends Morgan out of the ring. They lock up. Morgan beats up Steiner in the corner. Steiner no sells blows to the head. Because he’s too dumb to feel them, see? Morgan hits a clothesline. Steiner hits a powerslam, then barks and gets on all fours. Morgan stomps around some more. They lock up again. Morgan beats on Steiner. Morgan hits an elbow smash for 2, then grabs a rear chin lock. Morgan hits a body slam. Steiner avoids a diving splash and makes his comeback. Morgan avoids an elbow drop and bear hugs Steiner. Dumb move. Steiner hits a belly to belly suplex for the pin in 4:41. Steiner drinks something a fan throws in the ring. It was okay.
Bob Caudle interviews Sting, Junkyard Dog, & Michael Hayes, who are going for the Six-Man Tag Team titles tonight. They go back down into their dressing room. Kevin Sullivan comes in and locks the gate leading to the babyface dressing room. They can’t get out and they’re in the main event NEXT! What will they do?
The Road Warriors and Genichiro Tenryu come out for the main event. The Varsity Club hit the ring and attack them. The bell rings, so I guess this is the main event now.
NWA World Six-Man Tag Team Championship Match: NWA World Tag Team Champions The Road Warriors & Genichiro Tenryu (w/ Paul Ellering) vs. NWA United States Tag Team Champions The Varsity Club. They brawl while we get an inset of Doug Dillinger trying to open the door for Sting, JYD, & Hayes. Animal clotheslines everybody. They keep cutting to the back and interrupting the match. Hawk beats up Sullivan. Tenryu and Rotundo lock up. Tenryu lands a chop and a dropkick. Rotundo begs off. Cut to the back again. Don’t these fuckers know what bolt cutters are? Tenryu drops Doc with an enzuigiri. Hawk tags in and gives Doc a clothesline. Cut to the back, where Sting, JYD, and Hayes are finally released. Animal and Doc lock up. Animal powers Doc into the heel corner. Doc and Rotundo double team Animal. Rotundo sends Animal’s shoulder into the post and the barricade. Varsity Club get the heat on Animal. Hawk gets the hot tag, but the referee didn’t see it. The Varsity Club hit a spike piledriver on Hawk. Sting, Hayes, and JYD hit the ring for a three-way brawl. It’s a double DQ in 5:47. And this was lame. Folks are bawling all over the place. Cut to commercials.
People are still brawling. Ross and Magnum hype Chi-Town Rumble. Roll credits.
I think I enjoyed one match on this show. The rest of it was pretty suckish.
TNA iMPACT! 3/17/11
Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers. Jeremy Borash is the ring announcer.
TNA World Heavyweight Champion Sting comes out with both the puke ugly Jeff Hardy belt and a brand spanking new belt. He calls out Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff. Hogan and Bischoff come out. Sting gives Hogan the puke belt, which Hogan immediately discards. Sting bitches at Hogan for brainwashing Jeff Hardy. Hogan says Hardy embarrassed Immortal at Victory Road, then talks for three hours about whatever else. Something about main eventers supposedly wanting to come into TNA. Sting asks where they are. Bully Ray comes out, because you know he’s a world renowned main eventer. He puts over Hogan and bashes Sting. He wants to take out Sting. Hogan starts to reply to him, but Fortune interrupt. Commercials.
Sting, Hogan, Bischoff, Bully, and Fortune are all in the ring. Styles says Fortune has Sting’s back, then talks about Bully being a joke as a singles wrestler. Bully retorts about Styles being Dixie Carter’s child or something and about Styles being a midget. He wants to talk about his title shot with Hogan. Styles slaps Bully. Ken Anderson comes out to join the party. He still wants his title rematch so badly it’s made him retarded. Hogan says Anderson doesn’t get a title shot because he didn’t beat RVD. Anderson replies that RVD didn’t beat him either and calls Hogan a carrot. Bischoff babbles about the network and books RVD vs. Anderson vs. Bully vs. Styles in a #1 Contender match tonight. Anderson doesn’t like it, but too bad. This segment was… um… yeah.
Kurt Angle has a big present for the newlyweds. Commercials.
AJ Styles chats with Rob Van Dam backstage, trying to form an alliance. RVD isn’t buying it.
TNA Knockouts Championship Match: Madison Rayne (c) (w/ Tara) vs. Alissa Flash. Rayne attacks Flash during her entrance to get the early advantage. In the ring, she immediately hits her finish for the pin in 17 seconds. And silly me was actually looking forward to Alissa dragging a match out of Rayne. Madison and Tara go for the beat down, but Mickie James runs her off. She wants another piece of Rayne. Rayne points out, correctly, that she’s beaten Mickie time and time again and has no incentive. She wants Mickie to put her hair up against the title at Lockdown. Mickie agrees. At least it’s not her career again.
“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero is backstage with a fake blind guy, a fake fat guy, and a fake wheelchair guy. He’s going to pretend to be Jesus later. And they’re showing us ahead of time that he’s full of shit.
Tonight, the four-way match. Commercials.
Ken Anderson pitches a fit to Hulk Hogan in the office. They bitch at each other. Anderson throws out the camera man.
“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero is in the ring with his fake disabled and/or obese people. He pretends to be Jesus and heal them the blind guy and the wheelchair guy, then insults the fake fat lady. I hate wrestling. Samoa Joe and Okato come out. Pope throws the fake blind guy at Joe, then bails. Pope captures Okato and holds a knife to his throat. Are you fucking serious? He kicks Okato and balls and throws him down, then reveals that it’s a fake knife. Fuck Vince Russo. Fuck Hulk Hogan. Fuck Eric Bischoff. Fuck Jeff Jarrett. Fuck Dixie Carter. Fuck everyone else who is responsible for this fucking piece of shit of a fucking wrestling show.
Tonight, a fucking four-way. Commercials.
Moments ago, THE WORST FUCKING SEGMENT OF ALL TIME HAPPENED, AND THEY’RE SO PROUD OF THEY’RE SHOWING IT AGAIN.
Backstage, I think the Pope is torturing and preparing to rape Okato. Samoa Joe runs Pope off and saves Okato. I fucking hate this company.
Rob Van Dam accuses Ken Anderson of joining Immortal. Anderson accuses RVD of the same thing. Apparently one of them is turning heel tonight. Who the fuck cares?
Four-way tonight. Commercials.
Angelina Love, Velvet Sky, and Winter are bitches to each other backstage. Angelina was supposed to team with Velvet, but she’s teaming with Winter instead, and no fucking body cares. Velvet’s tits are still magnificent.
Jeff and Karen Jarrett come out. Jarrett cuts a promo about how much better than Kurt Angle he is. He says he’s offering a truce tonight. He wants Angle to beg for forgiveness. Angle comes out with his big present. Angle facetiously puts over Jarrett and offers his gift. Jarrett opens it to find an American flag guitar. Angle takes it and breaks it over Jarrett’s head. Awesome. Karen hits Angle in the balls, but he pulls out the cup he was wearing and laughs at her. Angle says he’s sick of this shit. He wants Jarrett at Lockdown. Either that or he’ll keep attacking Jarrett at home or something. Jarrett agrees, with blood in his eye, despite Karen’s protests. AWESOME segment. I’m a little less pissed off now.
Eric Bischoff lectures Rob Terry, Gunner, and Murphy backstage. He tells them that Abyss has been stripped of the TV title, so tonight the three of them will meet for the title.
Tonight, Matt Morgan, Angelina Love, & Winter vs. Hernandez, Rosita, & Sarita in a Street Fight! Anderson vs. RVD vs. Styles vs. Bully! Commercials.
House shows!
Karen Jarrett is on the phone with 911. Jeff is bleeding.
Terry/Gunner/Murphy hype video. Are you fucking serious?
Three-Way Match for the TNA World Television Championship: Gunner vs. Murphy vs. Rob Terry. Gunner and Murphy beat up Terry. Brooke Hogan and her stepmother are in the front row. Cops arrive backstage. Terry hits a Polish Hammer on Gunner for 2. They lumber around and punch each other. Terry drops Murphy with a spin kick. Gunner spears Terry. Gunner hits an F-5 on Murphy for the pin in 1:46 to win the title. This was terrible.
AJ Styles talks backstage. Ric Flair interrupts to talk shit. Styles decks him.
The four-way TONIGHT! The Street Fight NEXT! Commercials.
Karen Jarrett bitches to police. Jeff yells at her to chill the fuck out and argues with the cops. Ugh.
Hernandez, Sarita, & Rosita come out. Hernandez cuts his usual promo. They’re now called Mexican America.
Street Fight: Mexican America (Hernandez & TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions Rosita & Sarita) vs. Matt Morgan, Angelina Love, & Winter. Everybody brawls. The women go outside. Morgan beats up Hernandez in the ring. Rosita and Sarita jump on Morgan’s back. He throws them off. Winter and Angelina attack them. Winter hits her spinning slam on Rosita for the pin in 1:21. I’m not going to bitch much about this being over with quickly. Some guy attacks Morgan. Morgan hulks up. Hernandez and the guy run away. Apparently this guy is the same “fan” who jumped in the ring at Victory Road.
The four-way is next. Commercials.
RVD/Anderson Victory Road highlight video.
Four-Way Match to determine the #1 Contender for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship: AJ Styles vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Bully Ray vs. Ken Anderson. Styles/Bully and RVD/Anderson pair off and brawl. Styles hits a Frankensteiner on Ray, which is pretty sweet. He goes for a monkey flip, but Bully pushes him down. Ray and Anderson brawl. Bully clotheslines Anderson out of the ring. RVD and Bully go at it. RVD hits a spin kick and the Rolling Thunder. Anderson pulls RVD out of the ring and clotheslines him. Styles hits a sunset flip on Anderson for 2. Styles goes the leap frog, drop down, dropkick. Ray clotheslines Styles for 2. Ray hits a sidewalk slam on Styles for 2. Bully beats up on everyone. RVD beats up everyone. He goes for the Five Star Frog Splash on Anderson, but it’s avoided. Bully hits a Rock Bottom on Anderson for 2. Styles hits a springboard cross body on Bully for 2. RVD hits Styles with the flying kick for 1. Anderson hits RVD with a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Bully avoids a dive from Ray and tries to hit him with a chair, but Hebner takes it away. Anderson dives RVD a backdrop suplex on the chair and they pin each other in 5:53. Bully attacks the referee, then attacks Jeremy Borash. Styles rakes up and brawls with Bully. Styles gets a chair and Bully begs off on the stage. Ric Flair appears and hits Styles in the balls. Ray gives Styles a sit-out powerbomb off the stage through a table. Pat Kenney, Al Snow, and the geeks appear to check on them. Commercials.
Bully Ray wakes up and shoves Al Snow and an EMT. They show replays. D’Lo Brown, Snow, and Pat Kenney try to get Ray out of there. Tommy Dreamer and Fortune are out to check on Styles. Styles gets stretchered out, but this is TNA so I’m sure he’ll be fine next week. Kazarian goes to call Styles’ wife. They all head off to the hospital. They really tried to present this is a big, serious deal, but it’s TNA and it’s impossible to take anything they do seriously.
I liked the Jarrett/Angle stuff before the fucked it up with the cops, and they tried with the Bully/Styles angle, but 95% of this show was TNA 101 and a textbook example of why everyone with a brain hates their show and why they’ll never be successful.
WWE Superstars 3/17/11
WWE open, Superstars open, pyro and ballyhoo. Jack Korpela and Matt Striker are the first announcers. Tony Chimel is the first ring announcer.
JTG vs. Tyler Reks. They lock up. Reks shoves JTG around. JTG throws some punches. Reks charges him in the corner and misses. JTG lands a dropkick. Reks clings to the ropes for safety. Reks comes back and throws JTG out of the ring, then puts a hurting on him on the outside. Back inside, Reks hits a backbreaker for 2. JTG tries to fight back. Reks hits a Final Cut for 2. JTG avoids Reks in the corner again and gets a schoolboy for 2. Reks holds onto the ropes to avoid a reverse cradle. JTG gets it on the second try to for 2. JTG low bridges Reks out of the ring and hits a diving shoulder block off the apron. Back inside, JTG plants Reks with a DDT for 2. JTG comes off the top rope, but Reks ducks him and kicks him in the gut. Reks his his Burning Hammer for the pin in 5:48. They tried, but I couldn’t get into it.
Tonight, Raw replays featuring Snooki.
WWE.com plug.
From Raw: Vickie Guerrero beat Trish Stratus after Dolph Ziggler, John Morrison, and LayCool got involved. A brawl with Snooki happened and they booked a 6-person tag for Mania.
Santino & Kozlov in action next.
Scott Stanford and Josh Matthews are now the announcers. Justin Roberts is now the ring announcer.
Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov vs. Jimmy & Jey Uso. Ugh. Santino has a new singlet. I notice things like that. The announcers don’t know the trick to telling the Usos apart. Santino and Jey do some shit. For what it’s worth, Jey is the one with the cross tattoo on his right arm. Usos make quick tags and work over Santino. Usos pull the switcheroo, but it doesn’t work. Santino continues playing face in peril. Kozlov gets the hot tag and runs wild. Powerslam on Jey. Jimmy saves. Clusterfuck ensues. Santino back body drops Jimmy on the floor. Kozlov boots Jey and tags out. Santino hits the Cobra on Jey for the pin in 4:24. There ya go.
8-woman tag match tonight. Ugh.
Raw Rebound.
WrestleMania hype.
Divas tag match next. Ugh.
Melina, Alicia Fox, & The Bella Twins vs. WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres, Natalya, Gail Kim, & Tamina. Tamina beats up one of the Bellas. Fox beats up Tamina. Tamina beats up Fox. Fox beats up Gail. Gail hits a dropkick and a clothesline for 2. Natalya tags in. She and Gail give Fox a double suplex. Natalya goes for the Sharpshooter, but Fox makes it to the ropes before she can. One of the Bellas tags in. Natalya schoolgirls her for 2. The other Bella distracts Natalya to let the legal Bella get the advantage. The heel divas cut Natalya off and get the heat on her. Insta-commercials. Natalya continues to play face in peril. Natalya gets a cradle on Melina for 1. Melina applies a rear chin lock while chewing on her hair. Natalya escapes and goes for an enzuigiri. Melina ducks. One of the Bellas pulls Eve off the apron. Tamina drops both of the Bellas at ringside. Natalya clotheslines Melina and makes the tag to Eve. Natalya slams Melina. Eve’s first act of the match is to hit a moonsault press on Melina for the pin (5:55 shown). At least it’s over. Face divas celebrate.
I was not into this show at all. Not only was it not good, but I was also not in the right state of mind to get through this in a good humor.
WWE Monday Night Raw 3/14/11
WWE open.
The Rock appears on the screen pretending to talk to President Obama on the phone. John Cena’s music plays. A kid dressed like Cena appears in Rock’s office. Rock has a talk with “Cena,” makes him cry, and gives him some Fruity Pebbles. Rock then cuts a serious promo on The Miz.
Trish Stratus chats with Snooki backstage.
Michael Cole, Josh Matthews, and Jerry Lawler are the announcers. Cole is in a plexiglass box. Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.
WWE Champion The Miz comes out. They show his various recent attacks on John Cena. Miz cuts a promo on The Rock. iBooker dings in. Cole leaves the Cole Mine to read it, so what’s the point of the Cole Mine? Lawler punks him down and reads it himself. Tonight, there are to be 2 never before seen matches: Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio and Miz vs. Great Khali, the latter of which is next. Commercials
Non-Title: WWE Champion The Miz vs. Great Khali (w/ Ranjin Singh). Miz goes on the attack. Khali lightly shoves him down. Khali beats up Miz, who looks like a midget by comparison. Khali applies the head vice. Miz gets a rope break. Alex Riley appears and attacks Khali to cause the DQ in 1:10. Khali gives Riley the crown chop and the tree slam. Miz wears out Khali with a chair. So let me get this straight: THE WWE CHAMPION, 3 WEEKS BEFORE WRESTLEFREAKINGMANIA, COULDN”T BEAT THE GREAT FUCKING KHALI? It’s not like Khali has any fucking credibility anyway, since the last time he was on Raw he was doing the stupid kiss cam. Miz DDTs Khali on the chair.
Cole promises to “expose” Jerry Lawler tonight. Also, Randy Orton vs. Mason Ryan. Commercials.
WWE.com plug.
From Smackdown: Triple H cut a promo on The Undertaker.
Saint Louis!
John Morrison hits on Snooki backstage. Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler interrupt. Vickie talks shit to Snooki. Snooki slaps her. Vickie throws a fit. Commercials.
WWE bullshit fact of the night.
WWE United States Championship: Daniel Bryan (c) (w/ Gail Kim) vs. Sheamus. Sheamus promised to quit if he lost, but he seems to be having second thoughts about that. They lock up and wrestle a bit. Sheamus hits a shoulder block for 0. Bryan back flips over Sheamus and hits a drop toe hold. He goes for the LeBell Lock, but Sheamus rolls to the apron. Bryan kicks him off and lands a tope suicida. Back inside, Bryan hits a missile dropkick for 2. Sheamus bails. Commercials. Sheamus has Bryan in a neck crank, having gained the advantage during the break. Sheamus beats on Bryan. Sheamus lands a knee lift for 2. Bryan catches an inside cradle for 2, then back body drops Sheamus to the floor. Sheamus sells a leg injury like he did last week. Sheamus makes it back in. The referre stands in Bryan’s way. Sheamus goes for the brogue kick, but Bryan ducks and locks in the LeBell Lock. Sheamus gets a rope break. Sheamus goes for the Razor’s Edge, but Bryan counters into a cradle for 2. They trade elbows. Bryan lands a flurry of kicks for 2. Bryan goes up top and dives. Sheamus kills him in midair with the brogue kick for the pin in 8:59 to win the title. Fun match, even if the Bryan mark in me is a little bummed he lost the title.
Cole promises to interview someone from Lawler’s past next. Commercials.
Slam of the Week: Last week, Michael Cole introduced JBL as his WrestleMania referee, but Stone Cold Steve Austin intervened and signed on for the job. Also, beer was poured on Michael Cole, which was awesome.
Michael Cole is obnoxious, then introduces his guest, Lawler’s son Brian Christopher. Christopher comes out dancing to the old Too Cool music and looking older than his dad. The crowd does not give a fuck. Christopher talks about what a shitty dad Lawler was. Lawler retorts about what a fuck up Christopher is. Christopher asks Lawler how he feels about Christopher competing at WrestleMania before him, then shoves and slaps his dad. He says he never used Lawler’s name because he’s ashamed of him. Cole starts to shit talk Lawler again. “Boomer Sooner” plays and Jim Ross comes out! Cole shit talks JR. They banter for a bit. Cole continues talking shit, then Ross acts like he wants to fight. Jack Swagger appears from somewhere and jumps Lawler, then beats up JR and puts him in the ankle lock. Lawler wakes up to make the save. Cole jumps on his back. Swagger knocks Lawler down and puts him in the ankle lock. Cole puts JR in the ankle lock.
Tonight, Cena vs. Del Rio! It could be a big money drawing match in 6 months to a year, so of course they’re giving it away free with no build! Orton vs. Ryan is next. Commercials.
WWE Rewind: Randy Orton punting Michael McGillicutty 2 weeks ago, and David Otunga last week.
Randy Orton vs. Mason Ryan (w/ CM Punk). Punk watches from the stage since he isn’t allowed at ringside. They lock up, then brawl. Ryan hits a backbreaker for 2. Ryan hits 2 more backbreakers for 2, so an extra backbreaker does not equal an extra count. Ryan applies a bear hug. Ryan hits a side Rock Bottom for 2. He goes for it again. Orton hits the RKO for the pin in 3:00. At least it’s over. Punk can’t have Nexus fight his battle for him at WrestleMania. Orton stares at Punk for a while, then returns to the ring and punts Ryan, then humps the mat while glaring at Punk. Punk backs away in fear.
Earlier tonight, Snooki/Vickie Guerrero stuff. Commercials.
Saint Louis.
New Hall of Famer: Drew Carey. Are you fucking serious? I hate WWE.
Michael Cole decides he hasn’t been obnoxious enough tonight, so he’s obnoxious some more.
Cena vs. Del Rio tonight.
Trish Stratus and Snooki are walking backstage. Zack Ryder hits on Snooki, who approves of his abs. Commercials.
Snooki comes out. She’s not nearly as obnoxious as that parody of her in TNA. She says Trish Stratus will shut up Vickie Guerrero. She leaves to sit at ringside. Vickie comes out and is obnoxious.
No DQ Match: Vickie Guerrero vs. Trish Stratus. Vickie does jumping jacks and football exercises. Trish schoolgirls her for 2. Dammit. Trish pie faces Vickie. Vickie bails and runs around the ring. Trish chases her back in. Vickie cackles and tries to use a shoe as a sword, then throws it. Who throws a shoe, honestly? Trish spanks Vickie with her own shoe. Dolph Ziggler runs in. John Morrison hits the ring and takes him out, then hits him with a dive. Michelle McCool and Layla appear and attack Trish. Michelle kicks Trish with the loaded boot. Vickie covers and gets the pin while LayCool sit on her back in 2:27. So Vickie has a job. Fuck. All of the obnoxious women are obnoxious together. McCool talks shit to Snooki, who is very short. McCool shoves Snooki. Snooki pulls her down face first into the apron, then attacks Layla in the ring. Trish stops McCool from making the save. Vickie throws a fit. The heels escape. Ugh. Vickie challenges Morrison, Trish, & Snooki to face Ziggler & LayCool at WrestleMania. Snooki agrees. Joy.
Cena vs. Del Rio is next. Commercials.
Sin Cara vignette.
Video of Shawn Michaels talking about The Undertaker.
Justin Roberts introduces Ricardo Rodriguez to introduce Alberto Del Rio.
Alberto Del Rio (w/ Brodus Clay) vs. John Cena. They lock up. Del Rio takes Cena down with a side headlock. Del Rio hits a shoulder block. Cena makes a comeback. Cole insists that The Rock is here. Commercials 5 minutes into the overrun. Del Rio lands a dropkick for 2. Cena turns a headlock in a backdrop suplex. Double clothesline spot. They trade punches. Cena makes his standard comeback and goes for the Attitude Adjustment. Brodus Clay attacks Cena to cause the DQ in 7:19. The Rock’s music plays, but it’s The Miz wearing a very believable skin cap. Miz, Del Rio, and Clay beat down Cena. Miz hits the Rock Bottom. Okay, now I can see the outlines on the skin cap. Del Rio gives Cena an enzuigiri. Clay delivers a fall away slam. Miz does The Rock’s corner pose, then takes off the stupid skin cap and goes outside to ram Cena’s back into the post. Miz hits Cena with a microphone and talks shit to him. Miz suplexes Cena on the stage, then picks him up. Cena fights back and goes for the Attitude Adjustment. Miz counters and DDTs Cena on the stage, then throws him into the set, then gives him the Skull Crushing Finale.
Parts of the show were passable, but mostly… just fucking ugh.
