WWE Friday Night Smackdown! 9/3/10

WWE open, video package of this Undertaker/Kane angle that just won’t die, Smackdown open, pyro and ballyhoo.  Todd Grisham and Matt Striker are the announcers TAPED from Albany, New York.  Tonight, Kane will announce something.  Tony Chimel is the ring announcer.

Tony Chimel introduces Ricardo Rodriguez, who introduces Alberto Del Rio.  The ring is set up for a celebration, complete with servants.  They show the video of Del Rio injuring Rey Mysterio last week.  Del Rio talks shit about Mysterio, then smashes a pinata.  Christian comes out and makes a bunch of jokes at Del Rio’s expense, then reveals that he’s pissed off because Del Rio is a dick.  They banter.  Christian wants to fight.  Del Rio teases obliging, then leaves because he is a big pussy in addition to being a big dick.  Drew McIntyre attacks Christian from behind and sends him outside so Del Rio can taunt him.

During the break, Drew McIntyre threw Christian into the steps.

Drew McIntyre vs. Christian.  Christian still wants to fight, so they fight.  McIntyre throws him around and beats him up, targeting his injured midsection.  McIntyre says Christian should have given up.  Christian fires some palm strikes.  McIntyre locks him in a bear hug.  McIntyre comes off the top, but Christian catches him in the face with raised boots.  Christian tries to make his comeback.  He goes for a diving cross body, but McIntyre catches him and hits a backbreaker for 2.  Outside, McIntyre tries to set up something on the announce table, but Christian trips him on the table.  Back inside, Christian goes for the Killswitch.  McIntyre counters with a gut buster.  Christian surprises McIntyre with a jackknife hold for the pin in 4:14.  Fine little match.

Tonight, Big Show vs. CM Punk & Luke Gallows!

WWE.com plug.

Kelly Kelly vs. Michelle McCool (w/ WWE Women’s Champion Layla).  Layla does commentary.  Striker is obnoxious.  McCool beats up Kelly and does push-ups.  Kelly hits a spinning headscissors and makes her comeback.  Kelly tries a Frankensteiner, but McCool hits the Styles Clash for the pin in 2:17.  Usual diva crap.

Tonight, Kane announces something.

China clips.

Teddy Long and Hornswoggle are backstage with a psychologist.  They’re trying to get Hornswoggle to speak English.  The psychologist wants to do shock treatment.  Long talks Hornswoggle into it.  Stupidity ensues.  Hornswoggle shocks the doctor.  Long and Hornswoggle leave the doctor to fry.  Ugh.

Non-Title: Chris Masters vs. WWE Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero).  Last week, Kofi Kingston got fucked out of the title by that hog yet again.  Ziggler beats up Masters.  Masters rallies and press slams Ziggler.  Ziggler hits a neckbreaker against the middle rope for 2.  Ziggler attacks Masters’ neck, then hits an jumping elbow drop for 2.  Masters catapults Ziggler intot he turnbuckles.  Masters goes for the Master Lock, but Ziggler climbs the turnbuckles and falls back to break it.  Ziggler hits the Zig Zag for the pin in 2:04.  It was what it was.

The Big Show is headed our way!

Handicap Match: The Big Show vs. CM Punk & Luke Gallows (w/ Joey Mercury).  They show Show making fun of and beating up the Straight Edge Society on Raw.  Show shadow boxes in Punk’s direction.  Punk throws some leg kicks, then tags in Gallows.  Show takes Gallows down, then nails him with the heavy chop.  Gallows fights back, but Show nails him with an elbow smash.  Gallows bails and confers with Mercury.  Show gives Mercury the Vulcan nerve pinch.  Punk hits Show with a baseball slide dropkick, then throws some forearms.  Show headbutts him, then lays him on the apron and goes for a chop.  Punk moves and Show chops the apron.  Gallows nails Show from behind.  Show makes it back and Hulks up.  Punk avoids Show in the corner and goes for a springboard clothesline, but Show catches him with a clothesline of his own.  Show covers, but Gallows saves.  Punk bails.  Show follows and charges, but Punk moves and Show runs into the steps.  Insta-commercials.  Punk puts the boots to Show.  Gallows tags in and drops some elbows.  Gallows hits a pair of big splashes for 2.  Show slams Gallows to escape a rear chin lock.  Show makes his comeback on Gallows, shoves him into Punk to knock Punk off of the apron, then hits the Alley Oop and locks Gallows in the camel clutch for the win (6:42 shown).  This was mediocre.  Punk, tired of repeated failures, gives Gallows the Go 2 Sleep.

Tonight, Kane announces something!

Jack Swagger and his daddy are in the ring for the V.I.P. Lounge, which Swagger won the right to host last week.  Why does Swagger need to host MVP’s talk show?  Why can’t he just do his own?  They let anybody have one that wants it.  They show clips of the stupid match with MVP from last week.  Swagger’s guest is his daddy.  Daddy asks Jackie to do push-ups.  He does.  MVP comes out.  What the fuck took him so long?  He makes fun of this stupidity.  He and Swagger banter.  MVP says the V.I.P. lounge is closed, then knocks shit over.  Swagger hides behind his daddy’s wheelchair.  MVP gives daddy the Paydirt, then low bridges Swagger out of the ring.  MVP gives daddy the Ballin’ elbow, then throws the wheelchair at Swagger.  Retarded shit.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Matt Hardy vs. “Dashing” Cody Rhodes.  Rhodes cuts a promo on the way to the ring about how Hardy actually likes like a man instead of an ugly girl like him, because that’s what’s attractive to women these days, apparently.  Hardy takes Rhodes’ ring jacket.  The match finally starts.  Hardy beats up Rhodes.  Rhodes bails.  Insta-commercials.  Rhodes beats up Hardy.  Hardy hits the Side Effect for 2.  Hardy beats up Rhodes on the outside, then back inside.  Hardy works Rhodes’ knee.  Hardy applies a half crab.  Rhodes takes forever to reach the ropes when they’re like 4 inches in front of his face.  Hardy beats up Rhodes some more.  Rhodes comes back and tries a superplex or something, but Hardy headbutts him down and goes for a diving elbow smash.  Rhodes avoids it and Hardy re-injures his ankle.  Rhodes hits the Cross Rhodes for the pin (4:16 shown).  This was lame.

Kane announces something NEXT!

World Heavyweight Champion Kane’s music plays, but he doesn’t come out.  He’s in his creepy weird promo cutting place backstage.  He says he’ll defend the title against Undertaker at Night of Champions.  He talks on for a while.  Druids bring a casket to ringside.  Stupid video effects.  Kane is in the casket.  A swerve that Russo would be proud of.  Kane keeps cutting his promo.  I zone out like I do with every single one of these long, retarded Kane promos.  Undertaker comes out to the ring.  The lights go out.  Kane disappears.  Undertaker looks in the casket, but it’s empty.  Kane is back in his weird room.  He says he’ll destroy Taker at Night of Champions, then laughs.  Pyro.  Fin.  I hate this show.

Aside from a couple of tolerable segments at the beginning, this show fucking sucked.